The power of vulnerability | Brené Brown | TEDxHouston

Summary

In this insightful and engaging talk, the speaker shares a personal journey from being a researcher focused on control and predictability to embracing vulnerability as essential for connection and growth. Through stories and research findings, the speaker reveals how vulnerability, often seen as a weakness, is actually a strength that fosters love, belonging, and joy. The talk encourages listeners to embrace their imperfections, practice self-compassion, and believe in their worthiness to live a more authentic and fulfilled life.

Takeaways

• 🎤 The speaker shares a story about being labeled as a 'storyteller' rather than a 'researcher,' highlighting the tension between academic identity and storytelling.
• ❤️ The speaker emphasizes the importance of connection, describing it as the core of human experience and essential for meaning and purpose.
• 😰 The speaker discovers that shame is a significant barrier to connection, defining it as the fear of disconnection and a universal human experience.
• 💪 Courage is described as the willingness to be imperfect and embrace vulnerability, which the speaker identifies as a key characteristic of people with a strong sense of love and belonging.
• 🤲 Embracing vulnerability is necessary for connection, creativity, and wholehearted living, despite the discomfort it may cause.
• 🍂 The speaker discusses the dangers of numbing vulnerability, noting that it leads to the numbing of positive emotions like joy and gratitude as well.
• 🔒 The tendency to seek certainty and perfection, especially in parenting and personal lives, is criticized as a way of avoiding vulnerability.
• 🗣️ The speaker advocates for authenticity and empathy, arguing that acknowledging our imperfections and being kind to ourselves and others is essential.
• 💡 The concept of 'wholeheartedness' is introduced, characterized by courage, compassion, and connection, which the speaker aspires to cultivate.
• 🙏 The final takeaway is the importance of believing that we are enough, which fosters kindness, gentleness, and genuine connection with others.

Q & A

What was the initial concern the event planner had about describing the speaker on the flyer?

The event planner was concerned that calling the speaker a 'researcher' would make her seem boring and irrelevant, so she considered describing her as a 'storyteller' instead.

How did the speaker eventually reconcile the terms 'researcher' and 'storyteller'?

The speaker embraced both roles by describing herself as a 'researcher storyteller,' acknowledging that she collects and shares stories as data with a soul.

What realization did the speaker have about connection in her research?

The speaker realized that connection is fundamental to human existence, giving purpose and meaning to our lives. However, she found that when people talked about connection, they often shared stories of disconnection.

What was the unnamed element that the speaker discovered unraveled connection?

The speaker discovered that shame, understood as the fear of disconnection, was the unnamed element that unraveled connection in her research.

What is the key factor that separates people who have a strong sense of love and belonging from those who struggle with it?

The key factor is a sense of worthiness. People who believe they are worthy of love and belonging are the ones who have a strong sense of it.

How does the speaker define courage in the context of her research?

Courage is defined as telling the story of who you are with your whole heart. The speaker emphasized that wholehearted people have the courage to be imperfect.

What is the speaker's view on vulnerability and its role in connection?

The speaker believes that vulnerability is essential for connection. It involves allowing oneself to be truly seen and is the birthplace of joy, creativity, belonging, and love.

How did the speaker's view on vulnerability challenge her approach to research?

The speaker initially approached research with a goal of control and prediction, but her findings on vulnerability challenged this approach, leading her to a personal and professional breakdown and ultimately a deeper understanding.

What did the speaker identify as a common way people cope with vulnerability?

The speaker identified that people often cope with vulnerability by numbing it through behaviors such as addiction, over-eating, and over-working. However, numbing vulnerability also numbs positive emotions like joy and gratitude.

What final advice does the speaker offer for living wholeheartedly?

The speaker advises to let ourselves be seen, love with our whole hearts, practice gratitude and joy, and believe that we are enough. This mindset fosters kindness and gentleness towards ourselves and others.

Outlines

00:00

🎤 Embracing the Identity of a 'Researcher Storyteller'

The speaker recounts an experience with an event planner who struggled with how to describe her on a flyer, torn between calling her a researcher or a storyteller. Despite initial reservations, the speaker embraces the term 'storyteller,' acknowledging that she collects stories as a qualitative researcher. She reflects on how this identity has expanded her perception and influenced her life, particularly in understanding the importance of connection.

05:03

💔 The Discovery of Shame and Vulnerability

The speaker discusses the profound realization that shame is the fear of disconnection, which she discovered while researching connection. She explains how vulnerability is essential for connection but is often accompanied by feelings of inadequacy. This revelation challenges her previous belief in controlling and predicting outcomes, leading her to deconstruct shame and vulnerability in her research.

10:04

🛠 The Challenge of Embracing Vulnerability

The speaker shares her journey of confronting vulnerability, initially seeing it as something to conquer but ultimately realizing its necessity for living wholeheartedly. Through extensive research, she identifies that those with a strong sense of love and belonging believe they are worthy of it. She discusses her struggle with vulnerability, describing it as a 'street fight' rather than a graceful surrender, but one that ultimately led to personal growth and deeper understanding.

15:06

📉 Numbing Vulnerability and Its Consequences

The speaker explains how people numb vulnerability through various means, such as addiction and perfectionism, to avoid discomfort. She highlights the dangers of this approach, emphasizing that numbing negative emotions also numbs positive ones, leading to a cycle of disconnection and dissatisfaction. She calls for a shift from certainty and blame to embracing uncertainty and vulnerability as a path to deeper connection and authenticity.

20:08

🌟 The Power of Believing 'I'm Enough'

The speaker concludes by stressing the importance of believing in one's worthiness. She argues that when people accept that they are enough, they can stop striving for perfection and begin to listen, connect, and live more authentically. This mindset shift fosters greater kindness and gentleness toward others and oneself, leading to a more fulfilling life.

Keywords

💡Vulnerability

Vulnerability is a central theme of the video, described as the willingness to expose oneself to emotional risk, uncertainty, and criticism. The speaker emphasizes that vulnerability is not only the source of fear and shame but also the birthplace of joy, creativity, and love. For example, the speaker discusses the importance of embracing vulnerability to experience true connection and belonging.

💡Shame

Shame is defined as the fear of disconnection, the feeling that something about oneself is flawed and, if revealed, will lead to rejection. In the video, the speaker identifies shame as a universal experience that undermines connection and explains that the less people talk about it, the more it controls their lives. The concept is introduced when the speaker uncovers shame as a key factor in her research on connection.

💡Connection

Connection is described as the purpose and meaning of life, essential to human existence. The speaker emphasizes that connection is why we are here, and it is rooted in our neurobiological makeup. The video highlights that true connection requires vulnerability, and it is often through stories of disconnection that people express their desire for connection.

💡Wholeheartedness

Wholeheartedness refers to living with a sense of worthiness and embracing one's imperfections. The speaker describes wholehearted people as those who believe they are worthy of love and belonging. They demonstrate courage, compassion, and connection by being authentic and embracing vulnerability. The concept is central to the speaker's exploration of what makes people feel fulfilled and connected.

💡Worthiness

Worthiness is the belief that one is deserving of love and belonging. The video contrasts those who have a strong sense of worthiness with those who struggle with it, revealing that the key difference lies in their belief in their own worthiness. The speaker discusses how this belief influences one's ability to form meaningful connections and live a fulfilling life.

💡Courage

Courage, as described in the video, is the ability to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart, embracing imperfections and vulnerabilities. The speaker differentiates courage from bravery, emphasizing that it involves accepting and expressing one's true self. The concept is exemplified by the speaker's description of wholehearted individuals who show courage by being authentic and open.

💡Perfectionism

Perfectionism is the belief that being perfect will protect against criticism, rejection, and shame. The speaker criticizes perfectionism as a harmful defense mechanism that stifles vulnerability and authenticity. The video highlights how perfectionism prevents people from experiencing true connection and joy, as it encourages them to hide their flaws rather than embrace them.

💡Authenticity

Authenticity is the quality of being true to oneself, expressing one's true thoughts, feelings, and values. The speaker describes authenticity as a crucial component of connection, explaining that it requires letting go of who you think you should be and embracing who you truly are. The concept is illustrated through the speaker's discussion of wholehearted individuals who live authentically and form deep connections as a result.

💡Numbing

Numbing refers to the practice of dulling or suppressing emotions, particularly uncomfortable ones like vulnerability, shame, and fear. The speaker warns that numbing negative emotions also numbs positive emotions, leading to a lack of joy, gratitude, and happiness. The concept is explored in the context of how people cope with vulnerability by using various methods, such as addiction or perfectionism, to avoid feeling exposed.

💡Belonging

Belonging is the feeling of being accepted and valued within a community or relationship. The speaker highlights that belonging is closely tied to worthiness, as people who believe they are worthy of love are more likely to feel a sense of belonging. The concept is central to the video's message about the importance of connection and the role of vulnerability in fostering true belonging.

Highlights

The event planner struggled with how to describe the speaker, debating between calling her a 'researcher' or a 'storyteller,' highlighting the importance of combining research with storytelling to engage audiences.

The speaker identifies as a 'researcher storyteller,' embracing both her academic research background and her ability to convey stories, which offers a unique approach to presenting qualitative research.

The speaker's early academic experience emphasized the idea that 'if you cannot measure it, it doesn't exist,' which conflicted with her interest in understanding complex, unmeasurable human emotions like connection.

The speaker's journey to study connection revealed that asking about positive emotions like love and belonging often led to stories of their opposites, such as heartbreak, exclusion, and disconnection.

The concept of shame was identified as a significant barrier to connection, defined as the fear of disconnection and the fear that we are not worthy of love and belonging.

Shame is described as a universal experience that everyone faces, with its presence being more profound when it is not discussed openly.

The key finding from the speaker's research was that people who have a strong sense of love and belonging believe they are worthy of it, which separates them from those who struggle to feel connected.

The concept of 'wholeheartedness' emerged from the research, defining people who live with a deep sense of worthiness, courage, and authenticity.

Wholehearted people have the courage to be imperfect, practice self-compassion, and embrace vulnerability, seeing it as a necessary and beautiful part of life.

The research found that vulnerability is not just about fear or discomfort; it is essential for creativity, joy, and connection.

The speaker experienced a personal transformation, recognizing the need to embrace vulnerability instead of trying to control and predict outcomes.

The research suggests that society often tries to numb vulnerability through behaviors like overconsumption, addiction, and perfectionism, which ultimately numbs all emotions, including joy and gratitude.

The idea that modern society often prefers certainty over faith and mystery is discussed, highlighting how fear drives us to seek control and avoid vulnerability.

The speaker emphasizes the importance of teaching children that they are worthy of love and belonging despite their imperfections, advocating for a shift from perfectionism to authenticity.

The conclusion encourages embracing vulnerability, practicing gratitude, and believing in our own worthiness to cultivate deeper connections and live a more fulfilled life.

Transcripts

Transcriber: Reiko Bovee

So, I'll start with this.

A couple of years ago, an event planner called me

because I was going to do a speaking event,

and she called and said:

"I'm really struggling with how to write about you on the little flyer."

I thought, "Well, what's the struggle?"

and she said: "Well, I saw you speak,

and I am going to call you a researcher, I think,

but I'm afraid if I call you a researcher, no one will come

because they'll think you're boring and irrelevant." (Laughter)

And I was like "OK."

She said: "But the thing I liked about your talk

is that you're a storyteller.

So I think what I'll do is call you a storyteller."

And of course the academic, insecure part of me was like,

"You're going to call me a what?" (Laughter)

And she said: "I'm going to call you a storyteller."

And I was like, "Oh, why not magic pixie?" (Laughter)

I was like: "Let me think about this for a second."

And so, I tried to call deep on my courage

and I thought,

"You know, I am a storyteller. I'm a qualitative researcher.

I collect stories; that's what I do.

Maybe stories are just data with a soul, and maybe I'm just a storyteller."

So I said: "You know what?

Why don't you just say I'm a researcher storyteller."

And she went, "Ha ha! There's no such a thing."

(Laughter)

So I'm a researcher storyteller, and I'm going to talk to you today

- we're talking about expanding perception -

and so I want to talk to you and tell you some stories

about a piece of my research that fundamentally expanded my perception

and really actually changed the way that I live, love, work, and parent.

And this is where my story starts.

When I was a young researcher, a doctoral student,

my first year I had a research professor

who, on one of his first days of class, he said to us:

"Here's the thing. If you cannot measure it, it doesn't exist."

And I thought he was just sweet-talking me,

I was like, "Really?" And he was like, "Absolutely."

And so you have to understand that I have a bachelor's in Social Work,

a Master's in Social Work, and I was getting my PhD in Social Work,

so my entire academic career was surrounded by people

who kind of believed in the "Life is messy; love it."

And I'm more of the "Life's messy, clean it up," (Laughter)

organize it, and put it into a bento box."

(Laughter)

And so to think I had found my way, to found a career that takes me -

really one of the big sayings in social work

is "Lean into the discomfort of the work,"

and I'm like, knock discomfort upside the head

and move it over and get all As. (Laughter)

That was my mantra.

So I was very excited about this.

And so I thought, this is the career for me,

because I am interested in some messy topics

but I want to be able to make them not messy.

I want to understand them.

I want to hack into these things that I know are important

and lay the code out for everyone to see.

So where I started was with connection.

Because by the time you're a social worker for ten years,

what you realize is that connection is why we're here.

It's what gives purpose and meaning to our lives.

This is what it's all about.

It doesn't matter whether you talk to people who work in social justice

and mental health and abuse and neglect.

What we know is that connection, the ability to feel connected

is neurobiologically that's how we're wired.

It's why we are here.

So I thought, "You know what. I'm going to start with connection."

Well, you know that situation

where you get an evaluation from your boss.

And she tells you 37 things that you do really awesome

and one thing that you kind of you know, an "opportunity for growth?"

(Laughter)

And all you can think about is that "opportunity for growth," right?

Well, apparently this is the way my work went as well.

Because when you ask people about love they tell you about heartbreak.

When you ask them about belonging,

they'll tell you about their most excruciating experiences

of being excluded.

And when you ask people about connection,

the stories they told me were about disconnection.

So very quickly about six weeks into this research,

I ran into this unnamed thing that absolutely unraveled connection.

In a way that I didn't understand or had never seen.

And so I pulled back out of the research and thought:

"I need to figure out what this is."

And it turned out to be shame.

And "shame" is really easily understood

as the fear of disconnection.

Is there's something about me that if other people know it or see it,

that I won't be worthy of connection?

The things I can tell you about it is: it's universal, we all have it.

The only people who don't experience shame

have no capacity for human empathy or connection.

No one wants to talk about it,

and the less you talk about it the more you have it.

What underpinned this shame,

this "I'm not good enough," which we all know that feeling,

that "I'm not blank enough, I'm not thin enough, rich enough,

beautiful enough, smart enough, promoted enough."

The thing that underpinned us was this excruciating vulnerability.

This idea of "In order for connection to happen,

we have to allow ourselves to be seen, really seen."

And you know how I feel about vulnerability, I hate vulnerability.

And so I thought, this is my chance to beat it back with my measuring stick.

I'm going in; I'm going to figure this stuff out;

I am going to spend a year; I'm going to totally deconstruct shame;

I'm going to understand how vulnerability works;

I'm going to outsmart it.

So I was ready and I was really excited!

As you know it's not going to turn out well.

(Laughter)

You know this.

I could tell you a lot about shame,

but I'd have to borrow everyone else's time.

But here's what I can tell you it boils down to.

This may be one of the most important things I've learned

in the decade of doing this research.

My one year turned into six years.

Thousands of stories, hundreds of long interviews, focus groups.

At one point, people were sending me their journal pages,

sending me their stories, thousands of pieces of data in six years.

And I kind of got a handle on it,

I kind of understood this is what shame is, and how it works.

I wrote a book, I published a theory but something was not okay.

And what it was,

is that if I roughly took the people I interviewed,

and divided them into people who really have a sense of worthiness

- that is what this comes down, a sense of worthiness -

they have a strong sense of love and belonging.

And the folks who struggle for it,

the folks who are always wondering if they're good enough.

There was only one variable that separated the people

who had a strong sense of love and belonging, and really struggle for it:

That was the people who have a strong sense of love and belonging,

believe that they are worthy of love and belonging.

That's it.

They believe they're worthy.

And to me, the hard part of the one thing that keeps us out of connection

is our fear that we're not worthy of connection

was something that personally and professionally

I feel like I needed to understand better.

So what I did is I took all of the interviews,

where I saw worthiness,

where I saw people living that way, and just looked at those.

What did these people have in common?

I have a slight office supply addiction but that's another talk.

(Laughter)

So I had a manila folder and a sharpie,

I was like, "What am I going to call this research?"

And the first words that came to my mind were "wholehearted."

These are kind of wholehearted people living from this deep sense of worthiness.

I wrote at the top of the manila folder, and I started looking at the data.

In fact, I did it first in a four-day very intensive data analysis,

where I went back and I pulled all these interviews,

pulled the stories and pulled the incidents.

"What's the theme? What's the pattern?"

My husband left town with the kids (Laughter)

because I was kind of going into this Jackson Pollock crazy thing.

Where I'm just writing and just in my researcher mode.

And so here's what I found.

What they had in common was a sense of courage.

And I want to separate courage and bravery for you for a minute.

Courage, the original definition of courage

when it first came into the English language,

- it's from the Latin word, cor, meaning heart -

the original definition was to tell the story of who you are

with your whole heart.

And so these folks, very simply, had the courage to be imperfect.

They had the compassion to be kind to themselves first

and then to others, and as it turns out

we can't practice compassion with other people

if we can't treat ourselves kindly.

And the last was they had connection

- and this was the hard part -

as a result of authenticity,

they were willing to let go of who they thought they should be

in order to be who they were,

which you have to absolutely do that for connection.

The other thing that they had in common was this:

They fully embraced vulnerability.

They believed that what made them vulnerable made them beautiful.

They didn't talk about vulnerability being comfortable

nor did they talk about it being excruciating

as I had heard earlier in the shame interviewing.

They just talked about it being necessary.

They talked about the willingness to say "I love you" first.

The willingness to do something where there are no guarantees.

The willingness to breathe through

waiting for the doctor to call after your mammogram.

They're willing to invest in a relationship

that may or may not work out.

They thought this was fundamental.

I personally thought it was betrayal.

I could not believe I had pledged allegiance to research, where our job -

the definition of research is to control and predict,

to study phenomena

for the explicit reason to control and predict.

And now my mission to control and predict had turned up the answer

that the way to live is with vulnerability.

And to stop controlling and predicting.

This led to a little breakdown.

(Laughter)

which actually looked more like this : [breakdown. spiritual awakening]

(Laughter)

And it did.

And it led to what I called a breakdown,

and my therapist called a "spiritual awakening."

(Laughter)

Spiritual awakening sounds better, but I assure you it was a breakdown.

I had to put my data away and go find a therapist.

And let me tell you something, you know who you are

when you call you friends and say, "I think I need to see somebody.

Do you have any recommendations?"

Because about five of my friends were like,

"Woooh, I wouldn't want to be your therapist." (Laughter)

I was like, "What does that mean?"

And they're like, "I'm just saying, you know.

Don't bring your measuring stick!"

(Laughter)

I was like, "Okay".

And so I found a therapist.

And in my first meeting with her, Diana,

I brought in my list of the way wholehearted live.

And she sat down and said, "How are you?"

And I said, "I'm great. I'm okay."

And she said, "Well what's going on?"

And this is a therapist who sees therapists,

because we have to go to those because their BS meters are good.

(Laughter)

And so I said, "Here's the thing, I'm struggling."

And she said, "What's the struggle?"

And I said, "I have a vulnerability issue.

And I know that vulnerability is kind of the core of shame and fear

and our struggle for worthiness but it appears that it's also

the birthplace of joy, creativity, belonging, love,

and I think I have a problem, and I need some help."

I said, "Here's the thing, no family stuff, no childhood shit,

I just need some strategies."

(Laughter)

(Applause)

Thank you.

So she goes like this.

(Laughter)

Then, I said, "It's bad right?"

And she said, "It's neither good nor bad.

(Laughter)

It just is what it is."

And I said, "Oh my God, this is going to suck!"

(Laughter)

And it did and it didn't.

And it took about a year.

And you know how there are people

that, when they realize that vulnerability and tenderness are important

that they kind of surrender and walk into it:

A) That's not me.

B) I don't even hang out with people like that.

(Laughter)

For me it was a yearlong street fight. (Laughter)

It was a slugfest. Vulnerability pushed, I pushed back.

I lost the fight but I probably won my life back.

Then I went back into the research and spend the next couple of years

really trying to understand what they, the whole-hearted,

and what choices they were making and what we are doing with vulnerability.

Why do we struggle with it so much?

Am I alone in struggling with vulnerability?

No.

So this is what I learned.

We numb vulnerability.

When we're waiting for the call -

It's funny, I guess, on Wednesday I sent something on Twitter and Facebook,

"How would you define vulnerability and what makes you feel vulnerable?"

and within an hour and a half I had 150 responses.

I wanted to know what's out there.

"Having to ask my husband for help because I'm sick and we're newly married."

"Initiating sex with my husband."

"Initiating sex with my wife."

"Being turned down." "Asking someone out."

"Waiting for the doctor to call back."

"Getting laid off."

"Laying off people."

This is the world we live in.

We live in a vulnerable world.

And one of the ways we deal with it is we numb vulnerability.

And I think there's evidence, and it's not the only reason

this evidence exists but it's a huge cause.

We are the most in debt,

obese,

addicted,

and medicated adult cohort in U.S. history.

The problem is - and I learned this from the research -

is that you cannot selectively numb emotion.

You can't say, "Here's the bad stuff.

Here's vulnerability, here's grief, here's shame,

here's fear, here's disappointment. I don't want to feel these.

I am going to have a couple of beers and a banana nut muffin."

(Laughter)

I don't want to feel these!

And I know that's knowing laughter,

I hack into your lives for a living. That's "Haha, God!"

(Laughter)

You can't numb those hard feelings

without numbing the other affects, or emotions.

You cannot selectively numb.

So when you numb those,

we numb joy; we numb gratitude; we numb happiness.

And then, we are miserable, and looking for purpose and meaning,

and then we feel vulnerable,

and so we have a couple of beers and a banana nut muffin.

And it becomes this dangerous cycle.

One of the things that I think we need to think about is why and how we numb,

and it doesn't just have to be addiction.

The other thing we do is make everything that's uncertain certain.

Religion has gone from a belief in faith and mystery to certainty.

"I'm right, you're wrong. Shut up."

That's it.

Just certain.

The more afraid we are, the more vulnerable we are,

the more afraid we are.

This is what politics looks like today,

There's no discourse any more; there's no conversation.

There's just blame.

You know how blame is described in the research?

"A way to discharge pain and discomfort."

We perfect.

Now let me tell you,

if there's anyone who wants to have their life look like this,

it would be me.

But it doesn't work.

Because we take fat from our butts and put it into our cheeks.

(Laughter)

Which doesn't work!

I hope in a hundred years people will look back and go, "Wow!"

(Laughter)

And we perfect, most dangerously, our children.

Let me tell you very quickly what we think about children.

They're hardwired for struggle when they get here.

When you hold those perfect little babies in your hands, our job is not to say,

"Look at them, look at her, she is perfect.

My job is just to keep her perfect,

and make sure she makes the tennis team by 5th grade

and Yale by 7th grade."

That's not our job, our job is to look and say,

"You're imperfect and hard-wired for struggle,

but you are worthy of love and belonging."

That's our job. Show me a generation of kids raised like that,

and we'll end the problems that we see today.

We pretend that what we do doesn't have an effect on people.

We do that in our personal lives, we do that corporate

whether it's a bail out or an oil spill, or a recall.

We pretend like,

what we're doing doesn't have a huge impact on other people.

I would say to companies, "This isn't our first rodeo, people."

We just need you to be authentic and real and say,

"We're sorry; we'll fix it."

But there's another way, and I'll leave you with this.

This is what I've found:

to let ourselves be seen, deeply seen, vulnerably seen.

To love with our whole hearts even though there's no guarantee.

And that's really hard,

I can tell you as a parent, that's excruciatingly difficult.

To practice gratitude and joy

in those moments of terror when we're wondering,

"Can I love you this much? Can I believe in this as passionately?

Can I be this fierce about this?"

Just to be able to stop

and instead of catastrophizing about what might happen,

to say, "I'm just so grateful.

Because to feel this vulnerable means I'm alive."

And the last, which I think is probably the most important,

is to believe that we're enough.

Because when we work from a place that says, "I'm enough,"

then we stop screaming, and we start listening.

We're kinder and gentler to the people around us,

and we're kinder and gentler to ourselves.

That's all I have. Thank you.

(Applause)