Both Not Half: How language shapes identity | Jassa Ahluwalia | TEDxChandigarh

Summary

The speaker, of mixed Punjabi and English heritage, shares personal anecdotes of cultural identity struggles and the journey to self-acceptance. From childhood immersion in dual cultures to teenage confusion and adult realizations, the narrative explores the fluidity of identity beyond binary labels. The speaker advocates for a non-binary approach to life, embracing the complexity of being 'both not half,' challenging societal divisions and promoting a unified understanding of individuality.

Takeaways

• 🌍 The speaker has a mixed heritage, being half English and half Punjabi, which has shaped his identity and experiences.
• 🎭 He has acted in various TV series, but has also faced a sense of division between his cultural identities.
• 🧒 Growing up, he was immersed in both cultures, speaking Punjabi at home and English at school, and spending holidays in India.
• 👶 As a child, he temporarily lost his English language skills after being immersed in India, highlighting the impact of environment on language.
• 🎤 During his teenage years, he faced an accusation of mocking Indian accents, which led to feelings of humiliation and confusion about his identity.
• 🎭 His acting career brought him success, but also a growing sense of being torn between two cultures, which he felt increasingly troubled by.
• 🏡 At a Punjabi wedding, he felt isolated and alien, realizing that his dual heritage was not universally understood or accepted.
• 📚 He discovered that national identities are a relatively recent construct, which helped him reject the need to conform to a single identity.
• 📖 He embarked on a journey to rediscover his Punjabi heritage and language, using resources like YouTube and Google Translate.
• 👴 Spending time with his grandparents, especially his grandfather, played a crucial role in his reconnection with his Punjabi roots.
• 🌟 His 'Both Not Half' philosophy is a rejection of binary thinking and an embrace of the complexity and wholeness of his mixed heritage.

Q & A

What was the speaker's first experience with the Wagga border and the wild leg kicking ceremony?

The speaker's first experience with the Wagga border involved an argument with an Indian street vendor. Although he had been to India many times, this was his first visit to the Wagga border. He was excited to witness the wild leg kicking ceremony but was also tired from a long, hot day.

How did the speaker's mixed heritage influence his childhood and upbringing?

The speaker's mixed heritage, with a Punjabi father and an English mother, led to a cross-cultural upbringing. He grew up speaking Punjabi at home, English at school, and spent weekends with his parents and summers in India. This dual heritage was a significant part of his identity from a young age.

What incident during the speaker's childhood highlighted the cultural differences he experienced?

During a trip to India at the age of three and a half, the speaker temporarily forgot English and could not understand a British Airways steward, asking his grandad what she was saying in Punjabi.

How did the speaker's teenage years shape his understanding of his dual identity?

In his teenage years, the speaker happily identified as half Indian and half British. However, he faced accusations of not being enough of either, which led to feelings of confusion and a growing sense of division between his two worlds.

What event at a Punjabi wedding made the speaker feel isolated and triggered a desire to find a sense of belonging?

At a Punjabi wedding, the speaker felt isolated when a young girl stared at him, unable to comprehend his identity as a white man dancing at a Punjabi event. This incident made him realize the complexity of his identity and sparked a desire to find a sense of belonging.

How did the speaker's understanding of national identities change after learning about their historical origins?

The speaker discovered that national identities were an invention of the 1800s, filling the void left by the breakdown of traditional communities. This realization helped him see national identities as constructs rather than essential truths, fundamentally changing his sense of being.

What fear did the speaker experience during his last trip to India in 2014, and how did he address it?

During his 2014 trip to India, the speaker feared growing distant from India, his family, and his Punjabi heritage. He addressed this fear by consciously studying Punjabi, engaging with his culture, and spending meaningful time with his grandparents.

How did the speaker's acting career reflect his struggle with his dual identity?

The speaker's acting career took off with roles that did not necessarily reflect his dual heritage. He felt a divide between his professional success and his personal struggle with identity, which was not fully addressed until he started exploring his heritage more deeply.

What was the significance of the 'Both Not Half' concept for the speaker, and how did it evolve?

The 'Both Not Half' concept for the speaker represented a non-binary approach to life, rejecting easy distinctions and historical prejudice. It evolved from a personal struggle with identity to a public expression of his Punjabi identity, ultimately becoming a way to challenge societal labels and promote inclusion.

How did the speaker's viral video about making dal with a meat substitute reflect his identity and cultural exploration?

The viral video of the speaker making dal with a meat substitute was a lighthearted exploration of his Punjabi heritage, blending traditional and modern elements. It also served as a way for him to express his identity publicly and sparked a broader conversation about identity and heritage.

Outlines

00:00

🌍 Cross-Cultural Encounters and Identity

The speaker recounts a childhood experience in India that sparked a deeper exploration of their dual heritage as a British Asian. The narrative begins with a humorous encounter with a street vendor, highlighting the speaker's struggle with identity as a 'white man' in India. The speaker's upbringing, with a white English mother and a Punjabi father, is described, emphasizing the immersion in both cultures from an early age. The story also touches on the challenges of maintaining a bicultural identity, such as the loss of language proficiency and the feeling of being caught between two worlds.

05:02

🎭 The Struggle with Identity and the Pursuit of Belonging

This paragraph delves into the speaker's journey through adolescence and early adulthood, grappling with the concept of being 'half' something and the implications of that identity. The speaker reflects on a pivotal moment in a math class that led to a confrontation with a teacher over a song, which was perceived as mocking the Indian accent. The narrative also touches on the speaker's acting career and the feeling of division between their personal and professional worlds, culminating in a poignant moment at a Punjabi wedding that triggers a deep sense of isolation and a quest for a unified identity.

10:03

📚 Rediscovering Roots and Embracing Heritage

The speaker shares a transformative realization about the nature of national identities and the historical construct of such labels. This epiphany leads to a personal liberation from the constraints of identity labels. The narrative then shifts to the speaker's conscious effort to reconnect with their Punjabi heritage, including learning the language and engaging in cultural activities with their grandparents. The paragraph also reveals the speaker's professional frustrations as an actor seeking to explore their heritage in the entertainment industry, which is marked by slow progress in representation.

15:05

🌟 Embracing 'Both Not Half' Philosophy

In the final paragraph, the speaker introduces the concept of 'Both Not Half,' a philosophy that rejects binary distinctions and embraces the complexity of identity. The speaker discusses the power of labels in dividing people and the importance of recognizing and rewriting the language of division into one of inclusion. The narrative concludes with the speaker's personal journey of self-discovery and the empowerment that comes from embracing a non-binary approach to life, as exemplified by their public expression of Punjabi identity and the impact of a viral video that sparked a broader conversation about identity and heritage.

Keywords

💡Cultural Identity

Cultural identity refers to the sense of belonging to a cultural group, which can be defined by shared traditions, language, and beliefs. In the video, the speaker's cultural identity is a central theme, as they navigate their dual heritage of being both English and Punjabi. The speaker's experiences, such as being sent to live with Punjabi grandparents and having a mixed-race background, illustrate the complexities and challenges of identifying with multiple cultures.

💡Biculturalism

Biculturalism is the existence of two distinct cultures within one society or within an individual. The speaker embodies biculturalism through their upbringing, speaking Punjabi at home and English at school, and spending holidays in India. This concept is integral to the video's narrative, as it shapes the speaker's understanding of self and their place in the world.

💡Hybrid Identity

Hybrid identity is a term used to describe a person's sense of self that is influenced by multiple cultural, ethnic, or social backgrounds. The speaker discusses their identity as 'half Indian, half British,' which is a hybrid of their cultural heritage. This concept is key to the video's exploration of self-identity and the challenges of being seen as 'not enough' of either culture.

💡National Identity

National identity is the feeling of belonging to a particular country or nation. The video touches on the idea that national identities are a relatively recent construct, dating back to the 1800s. The speaker's realization that national identities are not essential truths but constructs helps them to reconcile their mixed heritage and feel more at ease with their identity.

💡Diaspora

Diaspora refers to a community of people who have migrated from their original homeland and now live in another region or country. The speaker's Punjabi father is part of the Indian diaspora in the UK. This term is relevant as it contextualizes the speaker's family history and their connection to both Indian and British cultures.

💡Cultural Assimilation

Cultural assimilation is the process by which a minority group or individual adopts the customs, language, and values of a dominant culture. The speaker's mother learning Punjabi to discipline the speaker is an example of cultural assimilation, as it shows the adoption of the minority culture's language by a member of the dominant culture.

💡Cross-Cultural Experience

Cross-cultural experience involves interaction and engagement with different cultures, often leading to personal growth and understanding. The speaker's childhood trips to India and living with Punjabi grandparents provided them with a cross-cultural experience that deeply influenced their sense of identity and worldview.

💡Stereotype

A stereotype is a widely held but fixed and oversimplified image or idea of a particular type of person or thing. The video mentions the speaker's fear of being seen as an 'alien' due to their mixed heritage, which relates to the stereotype of people with mixed identities not fitting in or being out of place.

💡Historical Prejudice

Historical prejudice refers to biases or discrimination that have persisted over time due to historical events or societal attitudes. The speaker rejects the idea of being 'half' anything, which is a response to historical prejudice against mixed-race individuals and the oversimplification of identity.

💡Inclusion

Inclusion is the act of involving people of different backgrounds, identities, or perspectives in a group or society. The speaker advocates for a non-binary approach to life and identity, emphasizing the importance of inclusion over division. This is evident when they discuss the need to reject labels that facilitate division and instead embrace a more complex understanding of identity.

💡Mixed Heritage

Mixed heritage refers to having a family background that includes multiple ethnic, cultural, or racial origins. The speaker identifies as having mixed heritage, which is a central theme of the video. They express frustration with the limitations and exclusions of the term 'mixed race' and prefer to focus on the richness of their heritage.

Highlights

A personal encounter with a persistent street vendor in India leads to a moment of cultural realization.

The speaker's mixed heritage of being English and Punjabi shapes his identity and experiences.

The importance of language in maintaining cultural ties and the struggle of losing one's native tongue.

The concept of national identities as a relatively recent historical construct.

The idea that national identities are not essential truths but rather societal constructs.

The speaker's realization of the fluidity of identity and the rejection of binary labels.

The impact of the speaker's heritage on his acting career and the challenges of representation in the industry.

The term 'mixed race' being seen as problematic and the preference for 'mixed heritage'.

The speaker's journey of re-engaging with his Punjabi roots through language and culture.

The use of technology, such as YouTube and Google Translate, in learning and preserving one's heritage language.

The emotional connection and learning experience shared with the speaker's grandfather through reading Punjabi stories.

The transformative power of understanding one's heritage as a means to find personal and cultural balance.

The creative process behind the speaker's viral video that led to a greater public expression of his Punjabi identity.

The concept of 'Both Not Half' as a non-binary approach to identity and a rejection of societal divisions.

The idea that recognizing and rewriting the language of division can lead to a more inclusive society.

The speaker's advocacy for a complex understanding of individual and cultural identities beyond simple labels.

The conclusion that all individuals are whole entities with a mix of identities that cannot be separated.

Transcripts

when i was 15 years old

i had an argument with an indian street

vendor

i had been to india many times before

but this was my first time visiting the

wagga border

i was excited i'd heard stories about

the wild

leg kicking ceremony i'd been practicing

but i was also tired it had been a

long hot day and as our rickshaw pulled

up amongst the crowd

a young man rushed over clutching

bottles of water

water water cold water i already had a

bottle of water

i showed him smile to courteous no thank

you

ah but this is cold water sir ice cold

feel

he thrust the bottle of water into my

hand he was right it was

freezing but i had a slight headache

coming on and i really just needed a

moment to myself

so being an englishman i defaulted to

what i know best

awkward politeness no thank you sorry i

have plenty of water i

don't need anything sorry sorry thank

you sir

lots of people very hot you will need

more water

i was impressed by his persistence but

still no

thank you best price the crowd was

starting to swell

one liter two liter i snapped

up

he instantly fell silent

i instantly felt bad

but he didn't look upset in fact he was

he was smiling that he shouted out to

his friends nearby

punjab the punjab's white man is here

i soon had a crowd around me and all

hope of quiet was lost

this wasn't the first time my punjabi

had surprised people

and it wouldn't be the last

my white english mom was brought up in

england and my punjabi dad was born in

india

he emigrated to the uk as a child and my

parents met in their 20s and i was born

shortly after

i was immersed in my dual heritage from

the outset

my dad spoke to me in punjabi before i

could even speak

my mum learned the language well enough

to discipline me

chopkar

be quiet stop that sit down

and then when i was two years old my

family life changed

my sister was born my family was

struggling

and in true indian fashion i was sent to

go and live with my punjabi grandparents

in leicester this became my new reality

punjabi at home

english at school weekends with my

parents

and summer holidays in india

a cross-cultural cross-generational

experience

my first trip to india was with my

grandad aged three and a half

i don't remember much but i did forget

something

english

on the flight on the way home the

british airways steward asked me if i

would like a colouring book

i stared back at her blankly before

turning to my grandad and asking

kikendia what's she saying

thankfully the elasticity of youth meant

that my english came back quite quickly

but my indian accent it it persisted a

little longer

the story goes that i was at the

supermarket with my mum just the two of

us

and i was sat in the trolley when all of

a sudden i shouted out

mommy i want a banana

she panicked she completed our shopping

in record time

i had no idea why she was worried i had

also had no idea that i was a white baby

with a

strong punjabi accent i had no idea that

that was strange

i was just me that said i used to watch

the jungle book religiously as a child

one monsoon season trip to india i even

packed a red cloth

i plan to reenact the adventures of

mowgli in the pouring rain

it would only be later in my adult life

that i would come to realize

why kipling's famous man cub resonated

with me so

strongly a young boy caught between two

worlds

during my teenage years i i happily went

around proudly introducing myself as

half indian half british it never

occurred to me that by identifying as

half i was

opening myself up to accusations of not

being enough

even when a clear example presented

itself to me

it was during a rather dull maths class

i was sat somewhere near the back

and i was singing a song under my breath

for my brown classmates

a song inspired by my grandparents

mispronunciations

i say guarantee and you say grunty

i say warranty and you say guarantee

guarantee grunty warranty warranty

let's call the whole thing off

we were in hysterics my gujati friend

offered up a few of his own verses

but our teacher a south asian lady

she was not impressed she asked me to

stay behind after class

now i was expecting a lecture on the

follies of showmanship

i clearly never learned but what i got

came as a surprise

she told me off for mocking the indian

accent

i tried to explain she knew my heritage

but it was no use

she told me the song was offensive and

that was final

why had my gujarati friend been spared

this particular lecture

i felt weird humiliated and angry

but i was a teenager everything made me

feel weird humiliated and angry

the moment passed and i soon went back

to enjoying my white privilege

during my twenties my acting career

started to take off

my breakthrough role came with a leading

role in bbc three series some girls

followed by roles in ripper street and

peaky blinders

i was enjoying success but my worlds

felt

divided at first i thought this divide

might be

the inevitable result of my parents

divorce a few years earlier

but the feeling began to grow and

trouble me

reaching its climax at a wedding

it was a punjabi wedding in london i was

on the dance floor the pangara was in

full swing

i was enjoying a moment of familiar

bliss

and then i saw a young girl she must

have only been around

four or five years old and she was

staring at me

her eyes wide fascinated

confused i couldn't figure it out at

first but then i realized

and my body felt heavy

she didn't or couldn't understand what i

was

dancing white man agora

to her i was alien

as the evening went on my sense of

isolation grew

white guests approached me seeking

fellow fish out of water

uncle g's used me to shame their

english-only speaking kids

harmony

in the weeks following the wedding i

felt so confused

i had this burning desire to find a home

but i had no idea where to look

i wanted to return to my childhood to

those carefree days when i was simply

me wherever i was

i realized i needed to look inward what

was i was i

british british asian anglo-indian

where was this conflict coming from what

was its history

my first major breakthrough came when i

discovered that

national identities were an invention of

the 1800s

as cities began to develop national

identities emerged to fill

the void left by the breakdown of

traditional communities

i realized that national identities were

not some

essential truth they were a construct

a construct i didn't need i was amazed a

simple understanding of history

had fundamentally changed my sense of

being for the better

i was inspired i went looking for more

answers

but as i went searching i also grew

afraid

during my last trip to india in 2014

i had visited my bind my ancestral

village

and that's when the fear got hold of me

i grew terrified i found myself

crying i realized i was

so afraid of growing up growing distant

from india of family dying of being left

untethered i also felt that i was losing

my punjabi i

i didn't have the vocabulary to express

complex thoughts and emotions

my mowgli days were over and it hurt

the solution i discovered came from

another of my fictional heroes

philip pullman's his dark materials

concludes with the protagonist

lyra losing her intuitive ability to

read a magical

compass-like device called an eleometer

lyra asks how can she regain this skill

and she's told it will take the work of

a lifetime

but that her knowledge will be even

better then

after a lifetime of thought and effort

because it will come from conscious

understanding

it will never leave you it occurred to

me that my

elethiometer my golden compass was

punjabi my heritage

the language that had once so easily

replaced my mother tongue

now required study the culture that felt

so innate to me in my youth

now demanded research my sadness was

replaced

by excitement i've been shown the way

beyond naivety and nostalgia

i began the pursuit of wisdom more books

history music art i learned to read and

write punjabi via youtube which allowed

me to use dictionaries

and then google translate which allowed

me to expand my vocabulary

it also gave me a new and meaningful way

of spending time with my grandparents

particularly my grandad keen to keep his

aging mind active i would find punjabi

children's stories online and read them

with him

he would correct me explain the meanings

of

words i hadn't encountered before and

inevitably he would digress into

anecdotes

he died in 2017 and though the sadness

was immense

i didn't feel lost i felt i was being

offered a great opportunity the chance

to carry a flame

to keep it burning bright and perhaps

one day

pass it on at the start of 2019 i was

feeling frustrated by the lack of

opportunities for me as an actor

to explore my heritage my history

despite efforts in the entertainment

industry to tell stories that

better represent audiences progress has

been slow

a major west end play recently posted a

casting breakdown seeking an actress

who is black or mixed race

mixed race it seems has a very

particular definition

a definition that excludes me and

countless others

i also feel that the term mixed race is

itself problematic

a linguistic hangover of scientific

racism complete with fears of

race mixing i prefer to think of myself

as mixed heritage and of one human race

these ideas and frustrations came

together one night unexpectedly

last january while i was making some dal

being a vegan dabbling millennial i had

decided to include a meat substitute in

my tarka

i imagined how an old punjabi uncle a uh

my grandad perhaps might react to such

an unorthodox ingredient

i turned it into a comedy video there

and then i posted it to social media

it went viral i had no idea that i just

set my year in motion

a year that would end with me hosting

the brit asia music awards at the

historic wembley arena

this was the first time i had expressed

my punjabi identity

publicly something i could point to and

say look i am punjabi without being

entirely conscious

[Applause]

without being entirely conscious of what

i was doing my video was

an attempt to push back to take control

of my identity my narrative as an artist

as the video went viral i realized i

needed to somehow

communicate this identity to succinctly

offer an explanation to the growing

number

of confused comments

and then something just clicked

and it all made sense

both not half

[Applause]

but what does both not half mean is it

merely a hashtag

or is it something more for me it's

the distillation of my struggles with my

sense of self

the answer to a question i didn't

realize i needed to ask

but most importantly it's not a label

it's an idea both not half

is a non-binary approach to life an idea

that's

always existed it's a rejection of

easy distinction and historical

prejudice

now whatever our backgrounds ethnicity

nationality

gender sexuality social class

we are each whole individuals whose

constituent parts cannot be separated

power structures love labels labels

facilitate division and

ultimately control they allow people to

whip up tales of

us and them oversimplified propaganda

divide and rule

but we can take back our control our

power

by recognizing the language of division

in all its forms and rewriting it into a

language of inclusion

we force the world to engage with detail

instead of simply seeing how we differ

from others we begin to notice how

complex

we ourselves are instead of seeing

divergence

we begin to notice mixes all around us

the same goes for fashion food music

engineering thinking so much of our

world is defined by

what it isn't as opposed to what it is

but that's another talk both not half

is a rewording and a rewiring of our

minds

none of us nothing is half anything

everything all of us are both something

thank you

you