🚩🚩🚩 7 CRUCIAL Red Flags To Know BEFORE Marriage: Must-Watch Advice For Muslim Women
Summary
TLDRIn this video, Henna, a trauma coach and physician associate, shares seven critical red flags to watch for when choosing a husband. Drawing from personal experiences and Islamic teachings, she highlights key issues like reluctance to meet the father, not praying Salah, lack of financial stability, imposing rules, arguing during the talking stage, inability to self-criticize, and talking down to others. Henna emphasizes the importance of making wise decisions to avoid regretful outcomes in marriage, offering practical advice for Muslim women on their self-improvement journey.
Takeaways
- 🔴 Recognize red flags in relationships, especially when dating or getting to know a potential spouse.
- 🚫 A major red flag is when a man avoids meeting your father or delays making things official.
- 🙏 Another critical red flag is if a man does not regularly pray his Salah, as spiritual leadership is vital in a Muslim household.
- 💰 Financial instability, especially when a man shows no drive or ambition to provide, is a significant red flag.
- 🛑 Be cautious of men who have strict 'rules' for their wives, as it indicates a power imbalance and lack of respect for equality in the relationship.
- 😡 If a man argues excessively during the getting-to-know stage, it indicates issues with emotional regulation and maturity.
- 🪞 A man who cannot self-criticize or take accountability for his actions is likely to blame you for problems in the relationship.
- 👄 Be wary of men who speak down to or badly about others, as this behavior is likely to carry over into how they treat their spouse.
- 🚩 It's important to ask potential partners about their expectations regarding gender roles and communication in marriage.
- 🤲 Emotional intelligence and the ability to lift and support a spouse are crucial traits to look for in a partner.
Q & A
What is the primary focus of the video?
-The primary focus of the video is to discuss red flags women should look out for when searching for a husband, based on the speaker's personal experiences and Islamic teachings.
Why does the speaker emphasize the importance of a man meeting the woman's father early in the relationship?
-The speaker emphasizes this because meeting the father is a serious step that shows the man's genuine intentions. It also ensures that the woman is not led on or left waiting, as the father acts as a protector in Islamic tradition.
Why does the speaker consider a man who does not pray as a red flag?
-The speaker believes that a man who does not pray lacks the spiritual foundation necessary to lead a family according to Islamic principles. Prayer is a basic obligation, and a man who neglects it may struggle to fulfill his role as a spiritual leader in the household.
What does the speaker mean by financial stability as a red flag?
-The speaker refers to financial stability as a man's ability to provide for his family. A lack of financial stability, particularly if the man is lazy or inconsistent in his work, is seen as a red flag because it places undue pressure on the woman to support the family.
What is problematic about a man who has 'rules' for his wife, according to the speaker?
-The speaker finds it problematic when a man has 'rules' for his wife because it suggests an unequal power dynamic. Such rules may indicate that the man views his wife as subordinate rather than an equal partner, which can lead to an unhealthy and controlling relationship.
Why is arguing during the getting-to-know stage considered a red flag?
-Arguing during the getting-to-know stage is a red flag because it suggests poor emotional regulation and maturity. This stage is meant for assessing compatibility, and constant arguing can indicate deeper issues that may worsen in marriage.
What does the speaker say about men who cannot criticize themselves?
-The speaker notes that men who cannot criticize themselves or acknowledge their mistakes lack accountability. This can create an unhealthy marriage dynamic where the woman is always blamed, and the man does not work on self-improvement.
Why does the speaker warn against men who speak down to others?
-The speaker warns against men who speak down to others because it reflects a lack of emotional intelligence and respect. Such behavior can lead to verbal and emotional abuse within the marriage, which can be damaging to the woman's self-esteem and well-being.
What is the speaker's view on the importance of communication in marriage?
-The speaker stresses the importance of healthy communication in marriage, especially regarding expectations and gender roles. Clear communication ensures that both partners understand and respect each other's roles, leading to a balanced and harmonious relationship.
What does the speaker recommend women do if they encounter these red flags?
-The speaker strongly advises women to avoid men who exhibit these red flags, as they can lead to unhealthy and potentially harmful marriages. She encourages women to prioritize their well-being and make wise decisions for their future.
Outlines
👋 Introduction and Purpose of the Video
The speaker, Henna, introduces herself as a trauma coach and physician associate, explaining that the video will cover red flags to avoid when looking for a husband. She mentions her personal experiences and observations from women around her, particularly those who have gone through divorces. The video aims to help women make wise decisions in relationships by recognizing red flags early on.
🚩 Red Flag #1: Reluctance to Meet Your Father
Henna emphasizes the importance of a man’s willingness to meet a woman's father during the early stages of a relationship. She explains that while some men may feel uncomfortable meeting the father too early, a major red flag is when a man consistently delays or avoids this step. According to Henna, this reluctance can indicate a lack of seriousness or fear of commitment, and she highlights the significance of a Wali (guardian) in Islam for protecting the woman.
🕌 Red Flag #2: A Man Who Doesn’t Pray
Henna discusses the critical importance of Salah (prayer) in a Muslim man's life, describing it as a basic requirement that reflects his spiritual commitment. She argues that a man who doesn’t pray is not fulfilling his role as the spiritual leader of the household. Henna stresses that a man must prioritize his relationship with Allah before entering into a marriage, as this spiritual foundation is essential for leading a family.
💼 Red Flag #3: Lack of Financial Stability
Henna talks about the importance of financial stability in a man when considering marriage. She distinguishes between men who are trying to achieve stability and those who are lazy, job-hopping, and not taking their responsibilities seriously. Henna warns that a man who doesn’t have a clear plan for financial stability can lead to an imbalanced marriage where the wife is forced to work, and she advises women to be cautious of men who see them as a financial safety net.
📝 Red Flag #4: A Man Who Has 'Rules' for His Wife
Henna addresses the issue of men who set 'rules' for their wives, drawing a distinction between having expectations and imposing rules. She argues that framing expectations as rules suggests a power dynamic where the husband sees his wife as unequal. Henna emphasizes the importance of healthy communication and mutual respect in a marriage, warning against relationships where the husband runs the marriage like a business, which can lead to an infantilizing and unhealthy environment.
😡 Red Flag #5: Arguing During the Getting-to-Know Stage
Henna highlights the danger of a man who argues and takes things personally during the initial stages of getting to know each other. She explains that this behavior indicates emotional immaturity and poor emotional regulation, which are major red flags. Henna advises women to avoid men who display these traits, as such issues are likely to worsen in marriage, leading to a toxic relationship.
🤔 Red Flag #6: Inability to Criticize Himself
Henna discusses the importance of self-criticism and accountability in a man. She warns against men who never admit their faults and always blame others, including in past relationships. Henna explains that a lack of self-awareness and accountability can lead to a one-sided marriage where the wife is always blamed for problems. This dynamic can result in an unhealthy and lonely marriage, where the husband fails to support and uplift his wife.
💬 Red Flag #7: Speaking Down to or Badly About Others
Henna concludes by discussing the red flag of a man who speaks down to or badly about others. She emphasizes that how a man treats others, especially those he perceives as beneath him, is a reflection of his character. Henna warns that a man who lacks emotional intelligence and treats others poorly is likely to do the same to his wife, which can lead to emotional and verbal abuse. She stresses the importance of avoiding men with these traits to prevent a damaging and demoralizing marriage.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Red Flags
💡Spiritual Leadership
💡Financial Stability
💡Accountability
💡Emotional Intelligence
💡Islamic Gender Roles
💡Wali (Guardian)
💡Marriage Expectations
💡Divorce
💡Self-Improvement
Highlights
Introduction by Henna, a trauma coach and physician associate, addressing the topic of red flags in relationships.
Importance of recognizing early signs that a relationship may not be suitable, based on personal and observed experiences.
Emphasis on the significance of meeting a woman's father early in the relationship as a serious commitment indicator.
Warning against men who delay or avoid meeting a woman's father, highlighting the protective role of a Wali in Islamic culture.
Stressing the importance of a man who prays Salah regularly, as a reflection of his spiritual leadership in the household.
Financial stability as a crucial factor, with a caution against men who are not serious about providing for their families.
Criticism of men who expect their wives to contribute financially while they lack a plan for financial stability.
Discussion on the red flag of men imposing rules on their wives, reflecting an unhealthy power dynamic and lack of mutual respect.
Advising women to be cautious of men who argue during the early stages of getting to know each other, indicating potential emotional immaturity.
Highlighting the danger of being with a man who cannot criticize himself, leading to a one-sided relationship dynamic.
Encouragement to observe how a man treats others, especially those of lower status, as an indicator of his character.
Final warning against men who talk down to or badly about others, as this behavior will likely extend to their partner.
Emphasis on the emotional and spiritual damage caused by being in a relationship with a man who is verbally or emotionally abusive.
Invitation for viewers to share their own thoughts and additional red flags in the comments section.
Conclusion encouraging viewers to subscribe for more self-improvement content for Muslim women.
Transcripts
they look at it and it's like oh it's
not it's not a red flag it's orange it
becomes a very infantilizing place to be
in a relationship who think in that way
and speak in that way asalam alikum
everyone and welcome back to my channel
if you're new here my name is henna I am
a trauma coach physician associate and
this is my YouTube channel I make videos
about my self-improvement journey and
talking head advice videos like this for
your self-improvement journey as a
musima I kept getting requests to make
this video and I only have a bit of time
so I am going to jump right into it this
video is about red flags and things to
avoid when looking for a husband I'm
very passionate about this because it
has been my experience to when thinking
about so many of the women around me who
have um been through a divorce when IID
asked them if they knew early on or
before they got married whether or not
this was a good idea there were so many
of them that said there were certain
things that stood out that made made it
in many cases very clear that this was
not a man who was worth marrying because
of social pressure or convoluted advice
they were getting from people who really
didn't know how to give marriage advice
that had the best interest of both
parties involved they ended up in a
situation that led to very regretful
results it is important to say that
these are my own personal opinions to an
extent although I do think that they
have a lot of evidence even based in the
Quran and Sunnah they are still my
opinions I've seen too many women who
when it comes to the red flag
conversation they look at it and it's
like oh it's not it's not a red flag
it's orange right it's a it it looks a
bit like if you mix in some blue there
maybe it can look like a green flag no
we're just going to jump right into it
because I care about you ladies and I
want you guys to make a decision that is
wise for your future so without further
Ado these are seven red flags that you
should keep an eye out for red flag
number one one is when you're talking in
the talking stages or the getting to
know stages and he makes it clear that
he doesn't really intend to meet your
father or he says something along the
lines of like oh much further on no let
me be clear about this for a lot of men
they're not comfortable meeting the
father upright and it makes sense
because uh the speaking to a father
means like hey this is serious serious
and you guys might just have met each
other you might be speaking through an
app you might have been introduced
through a family member or a friend so
it doesn't make sense to take that step
where things are so serious and cified
and things might get announced and there
are celebrations happening before you
even know if you're going to move
forward with this so that I don't see a
big problem with but what I do see see a
big problem with is when a man makes it
very clear that like yeah he is
interested but he keeps delaying the
bringing it up to your dad bringing it
up to your debt you don't have to have
everything together the fact that Allah
even mandate that Muslim women have a
Wily is for the protection so that she's
not being dragged through the waiting
process and you know other options are
not being waved because someone else is
too afraid to step up and speak to her
father so that's a major red flag in my
opinion red flag number two is a man who
doesn't pray his Salah in my humble
opinion and people might you know get
upset that I'm mentioning this one but
let me explain and hopefully you'll
understand what I mean the prophet Alat
wasam said that every every uh person is
a shepherd and in charge of a flock and
they will be asked about their flock on
the day of judgment and that a man is
the shepherd for his family meaning his
wife and if his he has children his
children eventually a man is supposed to
be the spiritual leader of the home he's
a Shepherd what does a Shepherd do right
a Shepherd is in charge of of taking
care of a flock of sheep they are in
charge of making sure that it's
protected and it's safe and they know
what to do and you know they're guided
in the right direction and it's
protecting them from the uh possibility
of Predator how is a husband going to be
a spiritual leader in his home if he
doesn't even do the basic of praying his
five Salah and I'm not talking about
someone who's like who's doing it but
they're struggling and they're genuinely
trying to get better I'm talking about
someone who doesn't do it at all I'm
sorry if you're a man who's who is a
Muslim man looking for a good Muslim
woman and you can't even meet that basic
requirement that Allah requires of every
single one of us indiscriminately then
you need to not worry about your
relationship with a woman and you need
to worry about your relationship with a
law Force you need to get that settled
before you jump into a relationship with
a Muslim woman red flag number three is
he is not financially stable and let me
let me finish let me finish let me talk
Financial stability look looks different
for different people when I say he's not
financially stable what I mean is that
he either presently does not have the
financial capacity to take care of a
family the husband is the financial guar
guarantor of the family meaning his job
is to make sure that they are
financially provided for that doesn't
always mean that he's the one fully
providing so for example if you are a
student and you get married as a
student it might be that your father for
example agrees to help for a certain
period of time I'm not speaking about
men who are genuinely trying or have a
plan for financial stability what I'm
talking about is the number of Muslim
men who don't like to work are lazy um
jump from job to job see it as like okay
I'm going to do what I want when I want
and they don't take it seriously and in
that instance now the wife is being
forced to work on a side no any man who
expects his wife to to take him
seriously when he's not able to fulfill
that is honestly kidding himself again
not talking about the men who are trying
I'm talking about The Men Who defy this
intentionally so if he's giving you that
Vibe sis run the other direction CU you
are he's looking at you as a piggy bank
and nothing more than that the next one
might ruffle a lot of feathers so hear
me out in what I'm saying and how I'm
explaining it okay number four red flag
number four is a man who has rules for
his wife
now one second guys don't jump to the
comments just yet you can have
preferences you can have Norms you can
have expectations of your spouse
completely normal and in fact you should
that is how relationships are built and
Islam has expectations and norms and
things that we are expected to do as
Muslim wives for our husbands Point
Blank period And if you have any trouble
with that you have to turn inward and
work on yourself and ask yourself why is
it that you're having such a difficult
time submitting to the command of Allah
subh but when I say a man who specific
has rules for his wife I'm saying a man
who specifically says I have rules for
my wife the reason why is I have rules
for my kids I have rules for my students
right I have rules for my employees if I
run a business rules are meant to keep
people in line if you can frame that
your expectations as r
rules you're telling me that you don't
see your wife as an equal to you and
when I say equal to you we have
different roles and responsibilities in
Islam but Allah values the the
contribution of a wife and a
contribution of the husband and their
contribution to the family equally so if
you have this IDE if you meet a man who
has this idea that they need to run
their their marriage like um like
they're a CEO of a
business that's problematic because it
doesn't allow for healthy communication
between one another it creates a power
Dynamic that is very stringent it
becomes a very infantilizing place to be
in your relationship so mind men who
think in that way and speak in that way
you should always ask the question what
are your expectations of your wife what
you know what are gender roles that what
are gender roles you would uh prefer to
subscribe to in your marriage you should
ask those and he has the right to have
them as do you you have the right to
have them and I recommend very highly
that you have them and you make sure
that they are according to the Quran and
Sunnah my husband and I have them and
actually I would say we have very gender
typical roles in the way that we operate
our marriage and it works very well for
us alhamdulillah the way people say
things a lot of times and the even the
words they use to choose is a window
into their ideology about how things
should operate this is red flag number
five is a man is arguing with you in the
getting to no stage May major red flag T
getting to know right is the the purpose
is let me ask you pointed questions that
are going to help me assess from a
pretty like practical point of view
whether or not you would be a good
partner right and then obviously there
are elements of do your personalities
Clash or can you can you guys have a a
decent conversation are you attracted to
the person there are different elements
of it that are important a man who you
find in the in the getting to no stage
instead of going about it in a way where
it's like hey let let me just see
if we're compatible and a good fit for
each other is getting into arguments
getting angry taking things really
personally major red flags you guys
aren't even married yet there's a
certain level when we're getting to know
one another we show our our best selves
put our best foot forwards if he's not
able to do that that means there's
something seriously wrong with his
emotional regulation and his emotional
maturity you're not able to have a
discussion something that easy triggers
you and makes you that upset guaranteed
it will get a hundred times worse if you
end up Mar married run away run the
other directions I've I've seen this so
many times and it always ends up badly
the next red flag is you meet a man who
can't criticize himself a man who
doesn't criticize himself everything he
does is perfect everything he does is
right he was previously married or
previously engaged it was always the
other person's fault any mature
individual should be able to say this is
where things get went wrong but this was
my contribution to it even if it's a
small one you know we we always have to
be willing to take accountability and an
inability to be critical of your
actions shows that you are not able to
take accountability marriage is hard
you're going to make mistakes I don't
care how mature of an individual you are
there are going to be times because
there's emotional intimacy aspect of it
um there's vulnerability involved and so
because of that things happen arguing ta
fights happen the repair process is the
most important part part of our
marriages but when those things happen
if you don't know how to step back and
take accountability and think where you
went wrong then you're going to be in a
situation as a a a woman if you're with
a man who's like that where he's always
pointing the finger at you and now
you're the one who's always wrong and
you're the one who's always doing
something you know and it becomes a very
one-sided means of development because
now both of you guys aren't willing to
work on your marriage because you're the
one who's wrong right he thinks you're
wrong so you need to work on it it's a
ugly place to be in a marriage it's not
fun it it it makes you feel very lonely
part of the job of the husband is to
lift his woman up to make her feel
valued and loved and even when she does
make mistakes and you know whatever
challenges come up to know that there is
redemption at the end of the day you
can't do that with someone who's who is
unable to criticize themselves the last
red flag that I will mention is he is
someone who talks down to people or
badly about people it's pretty
self-explanatory the way he treats other
people as a is a window into his
character and we tend to treat different
types of people consistently with what
we believe so look at the way he treats
people who he perceives as less than him
or maybe having less status in him how
he treats his parents how he treats his
siblings how he treats his friends if
you find that he speaks down to people
or badly about people this is someone
who doesn't have emotional intelligence
these people do not make good husbands
they do not because they're going to do
it to you they're going to speak down to
you they're going to speak badly about
you know maybe not about you necessarily
some you know they might they might have
at least some decency to not do that but
they're going to speak down to you and
it's going to break your spirit and you
do not want to be in a marriage where
your spirit is being broken and you feel
like you're not good enough it is a
horrible place to be it will destroy you
as a woman and I have seen so many women
who coming out of you know divorce ing
men who treated them like that who are
emotionally abusive and verbally abusive
and just completely shattered the spirit
of this woman the repair process is very
difficult and you always hear that voice
in the back of your head telling you the
things that he said to you try to avoid
those men at all cost I hope this video
was helpful to you guys leave your
comments below of what your thoughts are
um any other red flags that you think
that I miss drop them in the comments
below and of course if you enjoyed this
video and you like this kind of
self-improvement content for Muslim
women then please please please
subscribe for more Salam alikum and I
will see you in the next one bye
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