The WORST ADVICE you can give an Autistic person #TakeTheMaskOff

Summary

The speaker discusses the challenges of making friends for individuals on the autism spectrum, highlighting the paradox of fitting in versus being oneself. They critique the common advice to 'just be yourself' and 'not care what others think,' explaining how this can lead to social isolation. Instead, they advocate for finding a 'socially acceptable version' of oneself that allows for genuine connection and inclusion without sacrificing authenticity. The video supports the #TakeTheMaskOff campaign, emphasizing the importance of genuine connections over societal pressures to conform.

Takeaways

• 😢 The speaker emphasizes the difficulty of making friends for individuals on the autism spectrum and the struggle to fit in.
• 👶 In childhood, the speaker lacked the instinct to copy others and fit in, leading to social exclusion.
• 🤔 The speaker reflects on the natural reaction to try to fit in by acting like others, which can be harmful for autistic individuals.
• 🎭 The #TakeTheMaskOff campaign is highlighted to raise awareness of the emotional toll of trying to appear 'normal' for acceptance.
• 💡 The common advice 'just be yourself' is critiqued as potentially harmful for those on the autism spectrum who already struggle with social norms.
• 🚫 The speaker argues that completely disregarding others' opinions can lead to social isolation and should be avoided.
• 🤝 The goal is to find a balance between being authentic and being socially acceptable to form meaningful connections.
• 👗 The analogy of wearing clothes is used to illustrate the idea of presenting a socially acceptable version of oneself.
• 🙅‍♂️ The speaker warns against the extreme advice of either fitting in at all costs or not caring at all about societal acceptance.
• 🌟 The importance of emotional intelligence in understanding how others perceive us and the impact on our treatment is discussed.
• 💪 The speaker encourages not giving up on making meaningful connections and finding a balance between authenticity and social acceptance.

Q & A

What is one of the biggest challenges for people on the autism spectrum when it comes to making friends?

One of the biggest challenges for people on the autism spectrum is the difficulty in understanding and emulating social norms, which can make it hard for them to fit in and relate to others.

Why did the speaker feel like an outsider during their childhood?

The speaker felt like an outsider because they lacked the instinct to copy others and fit in, which led to them doing things differently and not being included in activities with other kids.

What is the speaker's opinion on the advice 'just be yourself' for someone on the autism spectrum?

The speaker believes that the advice 'just be yourself' can be counterproductive for someone on the autism spectrum, as it overlooks the need for them to learn and perform socially acceptable behaviors to connect with others.

What social media campaign is the speaker supporting and why is it important?

The speaker is supporting the #TakeTheMaskOff campaign, which raises awareness about the toll that trying to fit in by wearing a 'mask' can take on autistic individuals, emphasizing the importance of genuine connection and acceptance.

What does the speaker suggest is the worst advice for someone on the autism spectrum who is trying to make friends?

The speaker suggests that the worst advice is to either 'just be yourself and not care what others think' or 'fit in at all costs,' as both extremes can prevent the formation of genuine connections.

How does the speaker describe the natural reaction of someone on the autism spectrum when they feel excluded?

The natural reaction is to think that in order to be included, they need to act, talk, and be like everyone else, which can lead to trying to fit in at all costs.

What does the speaker mean by 'socially acceptable version of being myself'?

The 'socially acceptable version of being myself' refers to expressing oneself in a way that is appropriate for different social situations, allowing for genuine connection without sacrificing authenticity.

Why is it important for people to like and understand the speaker according to their perspective?

It's important because how people perceive and treat the speaker can significantly impact their life, affecting everything from employment to social inclusion and personal relationships.

What message does the speaker have for people on the autism spectrum who have given up on making friends?

The speaker encourages them not to give up on making meaningful connections, emphasizing that it's possible to be genuine and still find inclusion and acceptance.

How does the speaker use the analogy of wearing clothes to explain the concept of a socially constructed self?

The speaker uses the analogy of wearing clothes to illustrate that just as we cover our bodies appropriately in public for social reasons, we also present a version of ourselves that is suitable for different social contexts while still being authentic.

What does the speaker want viewers to do after watching the video?

The speaker wants viewers to share the video, support the #TakeTheMaskOff campaign, and engage in discussion on social media or by becoming a patron to support their content.

Outlines

00:00

🤔 The Struggle with Social Integration for Autism Spectrum Individuals

The speaker reflects on the unique challenges faced by individuals on the autism spectrum when trying to make friends. They share personal experiences from childhood, highlighting their inability to instinctively mimic others, which led to social exclusion. The speaker emphasizes the importance of not fitting in at all costs and discusses the damaging effects of trying to conform to societal expectations, referencing the #TakeTheMaskOff campaign that advocates for authenticity and acceptance of autistic individuals. They also critique common advice given to those on the spectrum, such as 'just be yourself,' arguing that it overlooks the social skills needed to form genuine connections.

05:00

👥 Balancing Authenticity with Social Acceptance

Continuing the discussion, the speaker explores the delicate balance between being true to oneself and being socially acceptable. They argue that while it's crucial to be genuine, it's equally important to consider how others perceive us to avoid negative social consequences like unemployment and isolation. The speaker encourages not giving up on forming meaningful connections and suggests finding a version of oneself that is both authentic and socially acceptable. Using the analogy of wearing clothes, they illustrate how one can express their true self in a manner that is appropriate for different social settings. The speaker passionately supports the #TakeTheMaskOff campaign and ends with a call to action for viewers to engage in the conversation and support the cause.

Keywords

💡Autism spectrum

Autism spectrum refers to a range of conditions characterized by challenges with social skills, repetitive behaviors, speech and nonverbal communication. In the video, the speaker identifies as being on the autism spectrum and discusses the unique challenges faced by individuals in making friends and fitting into societal norms.

💡Inclusion

Inclusion is the act of involving people with different abilities and needs in activities and society. The video emphasizes the importance of inclusion for people on the autism spectrum, highlighting the speaker's desire to be accepted and connected without having to suppress their true selves.

💡Social norms

Social norms are the unwritten rules that dictate how people in a society should behave. The script discusses the pressure to conform to social norms and the dilemma faced by autistic individuals who may not instinctively understand or feel the need to adhere to these norms.

💡Fitting in

Fitting in refers to the process of assimilating into a group or society by adopting its behaviors and attitudes. The video script uses the metaphor of wearing a mask to illustrate the struggle of trying to fit in at the expense of one's authenticity.

💡Emotional intelligence

Emotional intelligence is the ability to understand, use, and manage one's own emotions in positive ways. The speaker mentions their journey towards emotional intelligence, which includes understanding how others perceive them and the impact of this perception on their social interactions.

💡Authenticity

Authenticity is the quality of being genuine and not false or imitation. The video discusses the importance of being authentic in social interactions, suggesting that while one should present a socially acceptable version of themselves, it should still be a true reflection of who they are.

💡Connection

Connection refers to the relationship or link between people. The script emphasizes the human need for connection and the struggle for individuals on the autism spectrum to form meaningful relationships and feel included.

💡#TakeTheMaskOff

#TakeTheMaskOff is a social media campaign mentioned in the video that raises awareness about the toll of trying to fit in by suppressing one's true self, especially for autistic individuals. The campaign encourages people to be authentic and accept themselves as they are.

💡Meaningful relationships

Meaningful relationships are deep, significant connections between individuals that are characterized by mutual understanding, trust, and emotional closeness. The video script discusses the desire for such relationships and the challenges in achieving them for people on the autism spectrum.

💡Socially constructed self

The socially constructed self refers to the aspects of one's identity that are shaped by societal expectations and norms. In the script, the speaker uses the analogy of wearing clothes to explain how they present a version of themselves that is appropriate for different social situations while still being authentic.

💡Genuine connection

A genuine connection is a sincere and authentic bond between individuals, based on mutual understanding and acceptance. The video argues that to form such connections, one must balance being true to oneself with being socially acceptable, avoiding both extremes of not caring at all or fitting in at all costs.

Highlights

The challenge of making friends for individuals on the autism spectrum is highlighted, emphasizing the importance of social connection.

The speaker shares personal experiences from childhood, illustrating the lack of instinct to conform and fit in with peers.

The natural consequence of not conforming is exclusion, leading to difficulties in relating to others and a sense of being on the outside.

The struggle to understand how to connect with others without simply copying their behavior is discussed.

The societal pressure to fit in at all costs is critiqued, with reference to the #TakeTheMaskOff campaign.

The common advice to 'just be yourself' is examined as potentially harmful for individuals on the autism spectrum.

The speaker argues that the reason for social difficulties often stems from not caring about others' opinions during early development.

The importance of finding a balance between being oneself and being socially acceptable is emphasized.

The concept of a 'socially acceptable version' of oneself is introduced as a means to form genuine connections.

The analogy of wearing clothes to express oneself appropriately in public is used to illustrate the point.

The speaker warns against the extreme of not caring about others' opinions, which can lead to social isolation.

The importance of not giving up on making meaningful connections is stressed.

The speaker encourages finding an authentic version of oneself that is also socially acceptable.

The idea of a 'socially constructed self' is presented as a balance between authenticity and social norms.

The video concludes with a call to support the #TakeTheMaskOff campaign and the importance of genuine self-expression.

The speaker passionately advocates for inclusion and the building of genuine connections, inviting viewers to share the video.

The video ends with a reminder of the ad-free nature of the content and an invitation for viewer feedback.

Transcripts

- How many friends am I gonna make

if I take off all my clothes

and run through a shopping center naked

trying to hug people,

and say won't somebody please accept me as I am?

It doesn't work like that clearly, it doesn't.

So it's no secret that trying to make friends

is one of the biggest challenges

for a lot of people on the autism spectrum.

So today I'm going to share a little bit of insight

into a couple of reasons as to why that is,

and share what is in my opinion,

the absolute worst advice you can possibly give

to someone on the spectrum who is trying to make friends

and struggling to make friends.

When I think back to my childhood

especially my early primary years.

Those really early childhood years.

I didn't know that I was supposed to copy

everyone else around me.

I was the kid in kindergarten where everyone else

was copying the dance moves of the teacher,

and I was just looking at everyone else thinking,

oh, this is really strange,

everyone else is doing the same thing.

I wondered why, how curious.

So it's like I just completely lacked the instinct

to copy everyone else and fit in,

and do what everyone else was doing.

So because of this, I ended up just doing

whatever I felt like

And the natural consequence of that

is I ended up not being included in what the other kids

were doing so it became harder and harder

to relate to the other kids my own age.

And then pretty soon as we started growing up,

they started assuming that I didn't wanna be part of them

that I didn't want to do whatever they were doing.

And that led to being on the outside,

and trying to figure out for a lot of my life

especially my teenage years looking

from the outside trying to figure out

how do I get in to this little community of other people

'cause I desperately wanted to connect with other people,

and be included in that space.

But I didn't know how to do that

without just copying what everyone else was doing.

So the natural reaction to that is to think

that if I wanna be included in whatever they're doing,

I need to act like them and talk like them,

and be like them so that they can accept me,

and we can be friends.

So maybe you can see where I'm going with this.

Obviously trying to fit in at all costs

can create some significant issues.

So much so that you may have seen on social media this week

the #TakeTheMaskOff.

Raising awareness for the toll that

having to wear a mask and try to pass as normal

can take on autistic people who feel that

that is the only way that they're ever going to be accepted

by society and have this connection to other people

that we all crave as human beings.

So with that in mind, I wanna talk about

a really common piece of advice

that's actually really good for most people

but probably the worst thing you could possibly say

to someone on the autism spectrum.

And that is the advice to just be yourself,

and stop caring what other people think.

Now on the surface that might sound

like a really good idea

and if I'm trying to fit in at all cost.

Surely it's better to just be myself

however if we dial this all the way back to the beginning.

The reason that I'm in this mess in the first place

is because when I was really little,

I didn't care what other people thought about me

and because of that I wasn't trying to fit in.

I wasn't trying to do what everyone else did

and I was 100% being myself without thinking of

what the consequences would be for me socially to do that.

So while 99% of the population probably does care too much

about what other people think and probably does feel

this inherit drive to fit in at all cost.

I've found that people on the spectrum.

Tend to be the opposite.

And I know this was definitely true for me.

I actually needed encouragement to do

those socially acceptable things

that everyone else took for granted.

So interestingly if the worst advice you can possibly give

is just be yourself and don't care at all

about what anyone else thinks.

Then the next worst advice is the exact opposite

which is fit in at all cost.

Wear that mask, always perform in public.

So let's remember what the goal is, right.

The goal is to find a way to be connected and included

and feel valued, loved and accepted

by the other people in our lives.

I would like friends,

I want to have meaningful relationships.

I wanna be employed.

I wanna have a place in society with other people.

So if I don't care about what other people think,

It's gonna be almost impossible to achieve all that.

But at the same time if I cared too much

about what other people think

then I'm not going to be myself enough

to form any genuine connection with another person.

One of the things that I've learned

in my journey towards emotional intelligence

is that what other people think and feel about me

makes a huge difference to how they treat me.

People that like me, will be treat me better.

People that don't like me, will treat me worst.

So obviously, it's important for people to like me

and to understand me.

Otherwise I will be treated unfairly by other people

my entire life and we all know what that looks like.

Chronic unemployment, social isolation.

The list goes on and it's really not pretty.

So telling people to just be yourself

and not care about what other people think.

That's actually a really sad place to end up,

and unfortunately, it is the message that I hear

from a lot of especially adults on the spectrum

who have been so burned by trying to fit into society

that they say, "No, that's it.

"I'm not trying anymore, I can't try anymore.

"I'm just gonna accept the rejection of society.

"I'm not gonna try and connect.

"I'm not gonna try and make friends.

"I've given up on making friends.

"I've given up on trying to find meaningful relationships."

And that is not a fun place to be.

So my message instead is do not give up on making

meaningful connections with other people.

It's a hundred percent possible to be yourself,

and find that connection and inclusion at the same time.

It's all about finding a socially acceptable version

of what being myself looks like.

So if I go out in public, I don't wanna cover myself up.

I wanna express myself in a way that is going to be

received well by others.

A good analogy is like wearing clothes.

My body is perfectly fine exactly how it is,

but for social reasons when I'm on camera,

when I'm in public

I wear clothes over the top of my body to express who I am

in a way that is socially acceptable

to strip off everything,

and say this is the raw, naked me all the time,

a hundred percent.

That is not in a format that allows

people to receive that well.

How many friends am I gonna make

of I run through a shopping center naked

saying won't somebody please accept me

exactly how I am?

It doesn't work like that in society.

Everyone has a version of themselves

ideally an authentic version of themselves

that they put forward in any given situation.

There are things that I say and do

when I'm home alone that I would not say and do

in a professional setting for example.

Am I less myself in a professional setting?

No, hopefully not.

Hopefully, my professional version of myself, my on camera

for example version of myself is still an authentic version.

It's just the version that is appropriate

for what I'm doing right now.

Sometimes people call this the socially constructed self.

It's still myself, I'm still being myself.

It's just the side of myself that I'm gonna show

to any given person at any given time

to maximize my chance of connection with that person,

and being included in that setting.

Okay, well I hope I've been making sense today.

I really wanna support the #TakeTheMaskOff campaign

'cause it's really important

that we don't cover up who we are to try and fit in

because that prevents the possibility of genuine connection

with other people unless we can be ourselves first.

But on the other hand if I don't care at all

about what other people think of me.

I've essentially given up on trying to make that connection

and trying to be included in the society that I live in.

And that can have some pretty extreme

negative consequences, unfortunately.

So thanks for watching, I hoped that you've enjoyed that.

I'm clearly very passionate about this topic

of inclusion and helping people build

that genuine connection so please share this video.

If you'd like support the #TakeTheMaskOff campaign

and yeah I'll see you another time, bye.

If you like this video, please give it a thumbs up

and hit subscribe for weekly content just like this one.

If you'd like to get even more involved,

you can join the discussion on social media

or support me by becoming a patron.

Finally, I value your time,

and you'll notice all my videos are ad free.

So please help me to cover what you want to hear

by leaving me a comment and telling me what you think.

Thanks for watching and I'll see you another time.