37 Things to Stop Saying to Autistic People!!

Summary

In this insightful video, Paul Micallef from 'Autism from the Inside' discusses 37 common phrases that should be avoided when talking to autistic individuals. He categorizes these into invalidating, dismissive, condescending, intolerant, and accusatory comments. The video also highlights the importance of understanding and accommodating the needs of autistic people, rather than excluding them due to a lack of fit with societal norms.

Takeaways

• 😶 Autistic people face a range of comments that invalidate their experiences, from mild ignorance to outright exclusionary remarks.
• 🌈 The term 'spectrum' is often misunderstood; it's not a linear scale but a diverse range of experiences, like the colors of a rainbow.
• 🙅‍♂️ Saying 'Everyone is a little bit autistic' is invalidating as it undermines the unique challenges that autistic individuals face.
• 🤔 The phrase 'trendy to be autistic' is dismissive and implies that autism is a choice with only positive implications.
• 🚫 Comments like 'You don't look autistic' are condescending and overlook the diversity within the autistic community.
• 🤷‍♂️ Dismissive statements such as 'get over it' or 'you're overreacting' are harmful as they negate the real struggles of autistic individuals.
• 🧐 Condescending comments, such as assuming to know how to communicate with autistic people, can hinder genuine understanding.
• 💔 Accusatory remarks, suggesting that an autistic person is at fault for their social challenges, are damaging and dismissive.
• 🏆 The most harmful phrase is the subtle exclusion, where society suggests that the onus is on the autistic person to find a place where they 'fit in'.
• 🔄 The video script calls for a societal shift towards understanding and accommodating the needs of autistic individuals, rather than perpetuating stereotypes and exclusion.

Q & A

What is the main topic of the video?

The main topic of the video is about the phrases that neurotypical (NT) people should stop saying to autistic individuals and how to respond when such phrases are heard.

What are the categories of phrases that are considered problematic towards autistic people?

The problematic phrases are categorized into five types: invalidating, dismissive, condescending, intolerant, and outright accusatory.

Why is the phrase 'Everyone is a little bit autistic' considered invalidating?

This phrase is invalidating because it undermines the unique experiences of autistic individuals, suggesting that being autistic is not a significant or distinct characteristic.

What misconception does the phrase 'We're all on the spectrum somewhere' perpetuate?

This phrase perpetuates the misconception that autism is a simple continuum from 'not very autistic' to 'quite autistic', rather than a complex spectrum like a rainbow with no clear linear order.

How does the phrase 'Isn't it trendy to be autistic right now?' misrepresent the autistic experience?

This phrase misrepresents the autistic experience by implying that being autistic is a choice and has only positive implications, completely disregarding the challenges faced by autistic individuals.

Why is it dismissive to tell an autistic person to 'get over it'?

Telling an autistic person to 'get over it' is dismissive because it invalidates their personal experiences and struggles, similar to telling a wheelchair user to 'get over' not being able to access a building.

What is the issue with saying 'You don't look autistic' or 'You don't seem autistic'?

These statements are problematic because they perpetuate stereotypes about how autistic individuals should appear or behave, and they dismiss the reality of neurodiversity.

Why is it condescending to say 'You're so high-functioning, you must have mild autism'?

This statement is condescending because it implies that there is a hierarchy of autism severity and dismisses the challenges that even 'high-functioning' autistic individuals face.

What is the most harmful phrase that society needs to stop saying to autistic people, according to the video?

The most harmful phrase is 'I'm sorry, we can't accommodate your needs' or similar statements that imply it is the autistic individual's responsibility to find a place where they fit, rather than society accommodating their needs.

What is the underlying issue with phrases that suggest autistic individuals should 'grow out of it' or 'try harder'?

These phrases are problematic because they suggest that autism is a temporary or controllable condition, rather than a lifelong neurological difference that requires understanding and accommodation.

How does the video suggest responding to ignorant or offensive comments about autism?

The video suggests that there will be a follow-up discussion on how to respond productively and kindly to ignorant, unhelpful, or offensive comments about autism, though specifics are not provided in this script.

Outlines

00:00

🙅‍♂️ Invalidating Phrases Toward Autistic People

The video script by Paul Micallef from 'Autism from the Inside' addresses 37 common phrases that should be avoided when speaking to autistic individuals. The first paragraph categorizes these phrases into invalidating, dismissive, condescending, intolerant, and accusatory comments. It emphasizes the importance of understanding the autistic experience, which is often misunderstood or invalidated by statements like 'Everyone is a little bit autistic' or 'We're all on the spectrum somewhere.' The paragraph highlights the negative impact of such phrases on autistic individuals, suggesting that they undermine the unique challenges faced by those on the autism spectrum.

05:01

🤔 Dismissive and Condescending Attitudes Toward Autism

This paragraph delves into dismissive and condescending comments made towards autistic people, such as minimizing their experiences or suggesting that their challenges are not significant. It points out that phrases like 'get over it' or 'you're overreacting' are dismissive of the real struggles faced by autistic individuals. The paragraph also criticizes comments that patronize or belittle, such as suggesting that someone 'grow out of' autism or that they don't 'look autistic.' The script calls for a more empathetic and informed approach to communication with autistic people, recognizing their unique experiences and needs.

10:06

🚫 Stop Using Autism as an Excuse and Social Exclusion

The final paragraph of the script focuses on intolerant and accusatory statements, as well as the most harmful phrase: the inability or unwillingness to accommodate the needs of autistic individuals. It criticizes comments that blame autistic people for their lack of social integration, such as 'it's your own fault' or 'you're just being lazy.' The paragraph emphasizes that exclusionary phrases like 'we can't accommodate your needs' are a primary cause of social exclusion and isolation for autistic people. It concludes by urging society to be more inclusive and adaptive, rather than placing the onus on autistic individuals to fit into existing social structures.

Keywords

💡Autistic

The term 'Autistic' refers to individuals on the autism spectrum, a developmental disorder characterized by challenges with social skills, repetitive behaviors, speech and nonverbal communication. In the video, it is used to address the specific experiences and challenges faced by autistic people, emphasizing the importance of understanding and respecting their unique perspectives and needs.

💡Invalidating

Invalidating is the act of dismissing or undermining someone's feelings, experiences, or identity. In the context of the video, it highlights the negative impact of phrases that minimize the unique challenges faced by autistic individuals, such as suggesting that 'everyone is a little bit autistic,' which dilutes the significance of the autistic experience.

💡Dismissive

A dismissive attitude is one that belittles or ignores the concerns or difficulties of others. The script points out dismissive phrases like 'get over it' and 'you're overreacting,' which are harmful because they negate the real struggles autistic people face and suggest that their experiences are not valid or important.

💡Condescending

Condescension involves treating someone as if they are less intelligent or capable than they are. The video criticizes condescending comments such as 'you don't look autistic,' which implies a lack of understanding about the diverse ways autism can present and the internal challenges that may not be immediately visible.

💡Intolerant

Intolerance refers to a lack of acceptance or respect for the differences among individuals. The script mentions intolerant remarks, such as questioning whether girls can be autistic, which reflects a narrow and incorrect understanding of the condition and perpetuates stereotypes.

💡Accusatory

Accusatory language involves blaming or holding someone responsible for a situation or outcome. The video script includes phrases like 'it's your own fault' and 'you're just being lazy,' which are damaging because they unfairly attribute the difficulties autistic individuals face to their own character rather than recognizing systemic or environmental barriers.

💡Spectrum

The term 'spectrum' in the context of autism refers to the wide range of characteristics and behaviors associated with the condition. The video clarifies misconceptions about the autism spectrum, emphasizing that it is not a linear scale but a diverse array of experiences, and criticizing the misuse of the term to imply that everyone has some degree of autism.

💡Self-diagnosis

Self-diagnosis is the process of identifying oneself as having a particular condition based on personal research and understanding. The script addresses the legitimacy of self-diagnosis within the autistic community, especially for those who face barriers to formal diagnosis, and counters the dismissive attitude that such diagnoses are invalid.

💡Social Exclusion

Social exclusion is the process by which individuals or groups are isolated from mainstream society due to various barriers. The video identifies phrases like 'I'm sorry, we can't accommodate your needs,' as a form of social exclusion, suggesting that it is the responsibility of the autistic individual to find acceptance rather than society adapting to be more inclusive.

💡Masking

Masking in the context of autism refers to the behavior of autistic individuals who suppress their natural responses and mannerisms to appear more 'neurotypical.' The script discusses the concept of masking as a coping mechanism that can be exhausting and is not a true reflection of an autistic person's identity.

💡Accommodation

Accommodation in the video refers to the adjustments or changes made to support the needs of autistic individuals. The script criticizes the lack of accommodation, suggesting that it contributes to social isolation and exclusion, and emphasizes the need for society to adapt and include rather than expecting autistic people to conform.

Highlights

Paul Micallef asks the community about the top things neurotypicals should stop saying to autistic people.

The community's responses range from mildly ignorant to horrifically invalidating and exclusionary.

A discussion about how to respond productively and kindly to ignorant or offensive comments is sparked.

The transcript lists 37 things to stop saying to autistic people, categorized into five groups.

The first category is invalidating phrases, starting with 'Everyone is a little bit autistic'.

The phrase 'We're all on the spectrum somewhere' is critiqued for misunderstanding the concept of the autism spectrum.

The transcript challenges the notion that being autistic is trendy or a choice.

Dismissive comments such as 'get over it' are compared to telling a wheelchair user to overcome their inaccessibility.

The transcript addresses the harmful impact of minimizing others' struggles by saying 'other people have it worse'.

Condescending comments like 'you don't look autistic' are highlighted as dismissive of the individual's experience.

The transcript criticizes professionals who assume they know how to communicate with autistic people based on limited knowledge.

Accusatory statements like 'you're just being lazy' are identified as harmful and dismissive.

The phrase 'you're putting a label on your child' is critiqued for misunderstanding the value of an autism diagnosis.

The transcript's number one thing to stop saying is 'we can't accommodate your needs', highlighting social exclusion.

The video will cover responses on how to deal with ignorant or offensive comments in a future video.

Paul Micallef invites viewers to share their thoughts and experiences in the comments.

Transcripts

37 things we need to stop saying to autistic people and as a bonus how to respond when you hear them

So, what do you think?

What's the top thing you wish people would stop saying to you?

Take a second to leave your answer in the comments now

And then we'll take a look to see if it's in the list of the most common responses

Hi everyone Paul Micallef here from autism from the inside I make weekly videos sharing the human side of autism

So make sure you hit subscribe to get the latest content. So a little while ago

I asked the community what's the top thing NT's should stop saying to autistic people

The responses were quite insightful and very telling of the autistic experience

They range from mildly ignorant and annoying to horrifically invalidating and exclusionary

Plus I'm pleased to report that the post also sparked a really lovely discussion as to how to respond

Productively and kindly when people say things that are ignorant unhelpful or just plain offensive, but we've already got quite a bit to go through today

So I'll save that for next week's video for the moment. Let's get into it 37 things

We should stop saying to autistic people. I've sorted responses into five categories. There's invalidating

dismissive condescending

Intolerant and outright accusatory plus I've saved the best slash worst to last a subtle trap a slow

But deadly killer a seemingly innocuous phrase that is actually at the core of social exclusion and isolation

So the first invalidating phrase to make sure not to say to an autistic person is

Everyone is a little bit autistic

This is so common and so wrong that I did an entire video on it saying that everyone is autistic

Completely invalidates the autistic experience and basically claims that no one is really autistic. Number two is similar

We're all on the spectrum somewhere right now to be fair

The term spectrum is a little bit confusing most people think of it like a

Continuum rather than a spectrum where you've got the not very autistic people on one side and the quite autistic people on the other side

Which is absolutely not the case a spectrum is like a rainbow

Is yellow closer to green or is blue closer to green or is red closer to green blue red green yellow?

Sorry, which one of these is more on the spectrum the third invalidating experience. Isn't it trendy to be autistic right now?

This implies that it's a choice that has purely positive implications and completely invalidates all the challenges of the autistic experience

You can't be autistic because I know this is people trying to be positive

But when you say something like but you're so nice. I feel like saying yeah, that's right

I've been practicing, you know not being a psychopath for a while now

I actually did an entire video on this one as well. Then we have the exact opposite

They're giving autism diagnoses to basically everyone these days

anyone saying this clearly has no idea how hard it can be to get a diagnosis and how

Hard people fight to try and get an accurate

Diagnosis and how much of a privilege it can be to actually win that fight and have your diagnosis recognized

Similarly, you don't really have autism. You're only self-diagnosed

so as mentioned just now due to the

Significant barriers of obtaining a formal diagnosis and the fact that for many people having that official piece of paper doesn't actually help you get

Supports in any meaningful way a very significant part of the autistic community

Especially late identified adults are completely satisfied with their self-diagnosis and have no intention of pursuing something further

So now for the top dismissive things you should never say to an autistic person get over it

You wouldn't tell a wheelchair user to get over it because they couldn't go to the movies with their friends because the building wasn't accessible

So they had to stay home by themselves instead other people have it worse. Yes. That is a factually true statement

Yet, even if I were the second most afflicted person in the entire planet

That would still be true. So it's kind of irrelevant, isn't it?

If someone else has it worse

My body needs water to survive the fact that there are other people in the world with a much greater urgent need for clean water

Does not take away from the fact that it is still a valid need for me as well some more dismissive responses

I wonder if any of these are familiar you're overreacting

Stop being so dramatic. You're too sensitive. These are all ways of dismissing a real need for example

I personally have olive skin and I don't burn easily in the Sun

Someone with paler skin who does burn easily is not being too sensitive when they try to avoid getting burnt

some more dismissive responses stop talking about your challenges

Everyone has difficulties or stop complaining. You don't know what real trauma is like

these are both versions of the other people have it worse comment and unfortunately a lot of us have had very

significant negative experiences which have been dismissed and invalidated by people who don't understand the seriousness of the situation or

Another one doesn't everyone experience that sometimes or you're so high-functioning. You must have mild autism

That's not the same as being really autistic just like insert horrifically bad example here

I know people are trying to be nice when they say this but trying to place autistic people on a

Continuum from mild to severe ends up dismissing the real hidden challenges that many of us face. Of course, we're not all the same

We each have different challenges and some of those challenges are severe

Now let's move on to 10 condescending comments

Did you know a lot of narcissists claim to be autistic saying to a caregiver that's insane

I don't know how you do it or how about stop doing that?

autistic behavior

Because otherwise people will think you're weird or when people say I have a degree working with kids and special needs

I know how to communicate with autistic people

Ironically mental health professionals can sometimes be the worst as the old saying goes a little knowledge is a very dangerous thing

And so imagining you already know the answer can sometimes get in the way of understanding what's really going on in a situation

Chances are if you studied autism in the context of children with special needs at university

Then you probably have a very limited understanding of the needs of the community as a whole

You don't look autistic or you don't seem autistic don't worry you'll grow out of it

Oh, are you one of those special kids who's a genius at math generic condescending sympathy? Oh poor you

How can I help fix you or people correcting me on my use of language when I say I have autism or I'm autistic

Yes, I get frequently corrected in both directions by various people so much

So I did an entire video on this one too or how about you should be loud and proud about your autism

Okay, so it's fantastic that some people are really proud to be autistic

But that doesn't mean that everyone has to be if you're not feeling it. It's a journey after all

Ignorant and intolerant things we should stop saying to autistic people. Is that why you're a genius or what's your savant skill?

I didn't know girls could be autistic

Well now you do all genders, in fact all people in fact of basically any category can potentially be autistic

I don't understand you used to be able to insert masking behavior here that I used to struggle through

But now I can't due to burnout. Oh, you're autistic. Have you tried?

Insert the latest fad whatever it is

Maybe it's a diet or a new meditation practice or something whatever happens to be trending at the moment, but you function so well

Yeah

Sometimes when people are watching

Or some outright accusatory things we should stop saying to autistic people like it's your own fault

No one likes you if you were nicer to people you'd have more friends

Yeah, be nicer to the people who are excluding me. That'll work

You're just being lazy and difficult on purpose or you're not autistic. You're just lazy weird selfish

Not trying hard enough just an asshole you name it something not autism though

Stop using autism as an excuse. Let's stop procrastinating and just do it. It's not that hard. You're putting a label on your child

Why do you want everyone to think they're disabled?

Wrong for so many reasons

anyway

We are finally at the number one top thing that we need to as a

Society stop saying to autistic people. Can you guess what it is that we haven't covered in the list so far

It's the slow but effective killer. I'm sorry. We can't accommodate your needs

We recommend that you find someone else who can accommodate your needs or a similar one. I'm sorry

You're just not really a match here. I don't feel like this is a good fit

The implication being we don't need to change at all and it's your job to try and find somewhere where you are a good fit

This is in my opinion the number one reason why so many of us struggle with social exclusion and isolation

It's very easy for an established group or an established culture to basically say

Well, if you want to be a part of us

You need to fit in and you need to conform to whatever we are requiring for this to work

And if that's not possible, that's not the case. Well clearly you're the problem and it almost sounds nice and considerate

I don't think the services I am offering can meet your needs and I don't want to waste your time

I think you deserve to have your needs met by someone else who's not me

Except when you've already been around to everyone and got that exact same answer suddenly

It's a bigger problem than I'm not a good fit for this one group

Anyway, I could go on with that but that will probably drag us into an entirely new topic

So I'd better leave it there stay tuned for next week's video

I'll link it somewhere once it's done on different options of how to respond to ignorant and or offensive comments

But until then I'd love to hear what you thought of today's video

Did I cover your number one thing of what you wish people would stop saying to you? Please leave your answer in the comments

Otherwise, I hope you enjoy this video. Thanks for watching and I'll see you again next week. Bye

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