Are you an over-explainer? The Real Reason You Keep Over Explaining Yourself (And How to Fix It!)

Summary

In this insightful video, Paul Micallef from Autism From The Inside discusses the common trait of over-explaining, particularly among autistic individuals. He shares personal experiences and explores the negative impacts of this behavior on relationships and communication. Micallef emphasizes the importance of identifying and conveying the core message succinctly to avoid misunderstandings. He also links over-explaining to executive function challenges and suggests adopting a top-down approach to prioritize key information in communication.

Takeaways

• 🗣️ Over-explaining is a common trait in the autistic community and can be detrimental to relationships.
• 💡 The desire to avoid misunderstandings by providing more information can ironically lead to more confusion.
• 🔍 Over-explaining is linked to executive function challenges, particularly the inability to prioritize information.
• 📝 The speaker identifies as an over-explainer and has experienced the negative effects of this habit in personal and professional relationships.
• 🤔 The tendency to over-explain arises from a compulsion to add extra information, under the assumption it will clarify actions and decisions.
• 📉 Over-explaining can introduce new misunderstandings, as more words increase the chance of misinterpretation.
• 🔑 The core message of a communication should be simple and clear, avoiding the need for lengthy explanations.
• 🌐 Learning to communicate effectively in a foreign language can teach the value of simplicity and clarity in language.
• 🤝 Over-explaining can be a way to seek connection and feel heard, but it's important to recognize when it's appropriate.
• 📈 The speaker suggests adopting a top-down approach to communication, starting with the most important message first.
• 📲 For effective text communication, state the main point in one sentence and allow for a response before adding more detail.

Q & A

What is over-explaining and how is it commonly manifested?

Over-explaining involves providing excessive details and explanations in an attempt to clarify a situation, often through long emails or texts. It's commonly seen in the autistic community and can lead to misunderstandings and strained relationships.

Why does over-explaining often lead to misunderstandings?

Over-explaining introduces more words and details, increasing the chances of misinterpretation. The more information provided, the more likely it is that the listener will misread or skim over crucial parts, leading to confusion.

What executive function challenge is linked to over-explaining?

Over-explaining is linked to challenges in prioritizing, a core executive function skill. If someone cannot identify the most important part of what they want to communicate, they tend to share everything equally, leaving it to the listener to decipher the key message.

How can one overcome the habit of over-explaining?

One can overcome over-explaining by focusing on the core message and expressing it as simply as possible. This involves stating the truth once clearly and avoiding excessive details unless absolutely necessary.

What is the difference between over-explaining and oversharing?

Over-explaining involves providing too much analysis and background on information already known, whereas oversharing involves divulging private or personal information that may not be appropriate for the context.

How did the speaker learn the value of speaking simply?

The speaker learned the value of speaking simply while traveling overseas and communicating in languages other than English, where they had to use basic words and gestures to convey meaning effectively.

What is the suggested strategy to avoid over-explaining in texts and emails?

The suggested strategy is to state the core message in one sentence at the beginning and treat the communication like a conversation, allowing for responses before adding more details.

How can over-explaining affect relationships negatively?

Over-explaining can overwhelm the listener with too much information, leading to misunderstandings and making it difficult to reconnect on the same page. It can also cause frustration and distance in relationships.

Why is it important to let the other person process the information after giving a pitch?

It's important to let the other person process the information because continuing to talk can introduce new problems or doubts that weren't there initially. Allowing time for processing helps to avoid overwhelming the listener.

What is a practical tip for improving text communication?

A practical tip for improving text communication is to start with the main message in a single sentence and then wait for a response, treating the exchange like a conversation to avoid overwhelming the recipient with too much information at once.

Outlines

00:00

📝 Over-Explaining: A Common Trait in Autistic Community

The speaker identifies as an over-explainer, a trait common in the autistic community, where individuals tend to send lengthy emails or texts to avoid misunderstandings. Despite the good intentions, this habit can have negative side effects on relationships and is linked to executive function challenges. The speaker also discusses the compulsion to add 'extra explainer sentences' in everyday interactions and the paradox of over-explaining leading to more misunderstandings. The importance of clarity and brevity in communication is highlighted, with examples from personal experiences, such as the damaging effect of a lengthy email sent to a psychologist.

05:01

🗣️ The Pitfalls of Over-Explaining and the Art of Simplicity

This paragraph delves into the analytical nature of over-explaining, where the speaker shares their thought processes and interpretations, which can overwhelm the recipient and lead to skimming or misunderstanding. The speaker contrasts this with sharing key information that aids understanding, like explaining a delayed response due to illness. They also discuss the difference between over-explaining and oversharing, and the importance of sharing one's inner experience in appropriate relationships. The speaker reflects on the challenge of not being able to connect deeply with most people and the realization that comes with understanding one's own autism.

10:02

🔔 The Strategy of Stating Truth Once and Letting It Resonate

The speaker introduces the strategy of stating one's truth once and allowing it to resonate, as opposed to over-explaining or arguing. They liken it to hitting a bell and letting it ring, rather than creating noise by continuous striking. This approach is linked to the executive function skill of prioritizing, where identifying the core message is crucial for clear communication. The speaker also discusses the importance of adopting a top-down approach in communication, starting with the most important aspect of the message, which simplifies the process and prevents information overload.

15:03

📲 Embracing Conversational Communication and Avoiding Over-Explaining

In this final paragraph, the speaker shares tips on improving communication, especially in text messages, by treating the exchange as a conversation. They suggest stating the core message first and then waiting for the recipient's response, which can often simplify the need for further explanation. The speaker emphasizes the importance of including the other person in the process and not oversharing or over-explaining in one go. They reflect on the value of this approach in their life coaching work, where allowing space for responses can lead to a deeper understanding of what is most important.

Keywords

💡Over-explaining

Over-explaining refers to the act of providing more information than necessary to clarify a situation, often seen in individuals with traits associated with autism. In the video, Paul Micallef discusses how this tendency can lead to negative side effects in relationships and misunderstandings. He uses his own experience of sending long emails as an example, highlighting how over-explaining can sometimes complicate rather than clarify communication.

💡Autistic community

The term 'autistic community' refers to the group of individuals who identify with being on the autism spectrum. Paul mentions this community in the context of over-explaining being a common trait among its members. It underscores the video's exploration of communication challenges faced by those with autism and the impact on their social interactions.

💡Executive function

Executive function encompasses a set of cognitive processes that include planning, problem-solving, and prioritizing. In the script, it is linked to the challenge of over-explaining, as the inability to prioritize can lead to communicating everything with equal importance. This concept is vital for understanding how over-explaining is not just a communication issue but also a cognitive one.

💡Misunderstanding

Misunderstanding is the failure to grasp the intended meaning of a message. The video emphasizes that over-explaining can paradoxically lead to more misunderstandings because the excess information can cause confusion. Paul illustrates this with the example of his long email to his psychologist, which he believes may have damaged their relationship due to information overload.

💡Truth

In the context of the video, 'truth' refers to the core message or the essential point one wishes to convey. Paul suggests that stating one's truth once, without over-explaining, can be a more effective communication strategy. This is exemplified by his recommendation to say 'I don't feel heard' instead of writing a lengthy email to express the same sentiment.

💡Relationships

Relationships, in this video, are the social connections between individuals. Paul discusses how over-explaining can damage relationships by creating unnecessary complexity and misunderstandings. The video's theme of effective communication is directly tied to maintaining healthy relationships.

💡Communication

Communication is the process of sharing or exchanging information. The video's main theme revolves around effective communication, particularly the pitfalls of over-explaining. Paul provides insights on how to communicate more effectively by focusing on the essential message rather than providing excessive detail.

💡Simplicity

Simplicity in communication means expressing ideas in a straightforward and uncomplicated manner. Paul learned the value of simplicity when communicating in foreign languages, which helped him realize the importance of clear and concise messaging. The video promotes the idea of simplicity as a key to better understanding and connection.

💡Oversharing

Oversharing is the act of revealing more personal information than is necessary or appropriate. In contrast to over-explaining, which is about sharing too much analytical information, oversharing involves divulging private details. The video distinguishes between the two and discusses the importance of knowing when and what to share in different contexts.

💡Coaching

Coaching, as mentioned in the video, involves guiding individuals to clarify their goals and desires. Paul relates his experience as a life coach to the concept of over-explaining, noting that helping clients focus on the most important aspects of their situation is crucial for effective communication and problem-solving.

💡Conversation

A conversation is an interactive communication process between two or more people. Paul suggests adopting a conversational mindset when sending emails or texts to avoid over-explaining. By treating the communication as a dialogue, where one waits for a response before adding more information, it becomes easier to convey the essential message without overwhelming the recipient.

Highlights

Over-explaining is a common trait in the autistic community.

Over-explaining can damage relationships and is linked to executive function challenges.

The compulsion to add extra explainer sentences can lead to misunderstandings.

Over-explaining provides too much information, causing the listener to go into summary mode and miss important details.

Saying 'I don't feel heard' in four words can convey the core message more effectively than a long email.

Most misunderstandings are around differing perspectives on simple things, and over-explaining can make them worse.

The speaker learned the power of speaking simply while communicating in foreign languages.

Over-explaining vs oversharing: over-explaining involves sharing too much analysis, while oversharing involves sharing private information.

Sharing inner experiences can feel connecting, but over-explaining in the wrong context can push relationships into misunderstanding.

Accepting that most people will not connect on a deep level and focusing on stating your truth once can be freeing.

The concept of 'the truth resonates' - stating your message once and letting it be heard.

Over-explaining is linked to the executive function challenge of prioritizing - identifying the important part of the message.

A life coach helps clients get clear on what they want, which is a top-down approach to communication.

Starting with the most important thing makes communication easier and saves time by avoiding unnecessary details.

Using a conversational mindset in text messages and emails can prevent over-explaining and allow for a natural flow of information.

Getting the other person involved in the process and waiting for their response can lead to more effective communication.

The importance of not oversharing and allowing information to sink in for effective communication.

Transcripts

Are you an over-explainer?

Do you sometimes send really long emails or texts

in an attempt to clarify a situation?

This is an extremely common trait in the autistic community.

I know I've done this a lot myself as well.

It kind of makes sense at first.

I want to avoid misunderstanding by clarifying more,

but unfortunately in real life,

this habit comes with some pretty serious

negative side effects

that are probably damaging your relationships.

And it also turns out that over-explaining

is linked to a really common executive function challenge,

which we'll discuss later.

Hi everyone, Paul Micallef here from Autism From The Inside.

I make weekly videos showing the human side of autism.

So make sure you hit subscribe to get the latest content.

So I definitely identify as an over-explainer.

I have sent my fair share of extremely long emails

and texts and things like that in my time.

And while it may be reasonably easy to identify

the extreme cases of where this kind of thing

is inappropriate or ineffective.

Recently, I've been becoming more aware

of how this type of thinking that leads to that behavior

is actually present in a lot of interactions

in everyday life.

It's that little compulsion

to just add one tiny little extra explainer sentence,

like I was late because, or I'm calling you because,

or I'm not coming to your birthday party because,

that kind of thing.

And the temptation is to imagine

that by giving the other person more information,

I am helping them to understand my actions and my decisions,

and it's going to clarify the situation

and avoid misunderstanding.

And this is particularly problematic

because the worst type of lie is a half truth.

That's almost true.

It sometimes helps with understanding to clarify things

and provide some explanation.

But ironically, providing too much information

and over-explaining actually causes

significant misunderstandings a lot of the time.

And one way that helps me to think about this recently

is that the more words I say,

the more chance there is of a misunderstanding,

because you only need one or two words to be a bit off

or cause a little bit of confusion

and suddenly I've accidentally introduced

a new source of misunderstanding that wasn't there before.

This is a little bit similar

to some really common sales advice.

After you've given your pitch, zip it.

Do not keep talking at someone.

Let them process the information you've already said,

because it's entirely possible that you've sold them already

and the more and more and more you talk,

the more information you're adding

and they're actually gonna find a new problem

with the situation that wasn't there before.

So let's look at a couple of examples.

In my experience, I'm often tempted to over-explain

when I feel like there's already been a miscommunication.

You've misunderstood something about me

and I want to correct that misunderstanding

by explaining the misunderstanding and what to do about it.

I remember once I sent my psychologist a really long email

trying to explain something

that I couldn't quite get out in the session.

I didn't feel like we were making much progress.

I wanted the sessions to be a little bit more client-led.

I felt like the questions she was asking me

were kind of interrupting my flow a little bit.

Anyway, so I sent this huge email being really, really clear

on all of the things that I now understood

that I couldn't verbalize in the moment

because I hadn't processed it properly.

And in hindsight, I'm pretty sure that sending that email

irreparably damaged that relationship.

Why?

Because I shared too much.

I brought up too many different things

that were not understood.

And from then on, it was not possible

to close all the little gaps

so that we could actually come back on the same page.

Also in hindsight, I probably could have summed up

that entire email in four words.

I don't feel heard.

That's it.

That's the message.

That's the core of the message

that I was trying to convey

in that extremely long explanatory email.

But, and here's where the unintuitive paradox comes in,

if those four simple words, I don't feel heard,

are not understood and are not clear,

then it doesn't matter how many words I use

to try and explain it, it's not actually gonna help.

Most of the time, misunderstandings

are around differing perspectives on very simple things.

Sometimes explaining can help,

especially if there is a very key piece of information

that the other person doesn't know about the situation.

For example, I might say,

I'm sorry, I didn't get back to you for a week.

I've been sick with the flu and couldn't get out of bed.

And this is adding some information

to help the other person understand the situation.

Whereas my long email was mostly analytical.

It was explaining things like what I was thinking.

It was explaining things like the reasons and motivations

behind my behavior or how I interpreted the situation

and the other person's behavior.

And I've realized now that a lot of the time,

unless there's some significant new information in that,

sharing more about my background and my context

and what I was thinking and how I interpreted the situation

and then listing all of the different options

that we could possibly do going forward,

that's a huge amount of information.

And because it is so much information,

what it ends up doing is putting the other person

into summary mode.

So when faced with a two page email,

instead of reading it in detail, like it was intended,

they skim it, they instead say,

oh, well, I need to read this whole thing.

How about I skim it for the important information?

And of course there is no important information.

The detail is the important information.

And I'm assuming that the other person

reading this long email is going to read every word

literally and pay attention to exactly what I've said

and exactly how I've said it.

But in reality, the more information I give someone,

the less likely they are to actually notice every word

that I'm saying.

And this happens all the time.

It's really easy to misread a text.

You flip one word around and suddenly

it has a slightly different meaning.

So the solution to this, the practical way forward

for someone like me who has the tendency to try

and be really, really, really specific with language

is to instead focus on what is the important message

and try and express that as simply as possible.

I actually learned this in a really powerful way

when traveling overseas and trying to communicate

in languages other than English.

In English, I know exactly every tiny little connotation

of every word that I'm using in a perfect way.

In a foreign language, that's absolutely not the case.

I'm picking a word that's probably close enough

and I'm just crossing my fingers

and using some hand gestures

and hoping that my meaning is getting through.

So weirdly enough, that actually taught me the value

and the power of speaking really simply

and not trying to layer so many complex things

into the one sentence.

There's also a difference between overexplaining

and oversharing.

Oversharing, and I did a whole video on this,

is where you're sharing information

that should probably be private.

Whereas overexplaining is when I'm not really sharing

that much extra information.

I'm sharing all of my analysis of all the information

that we already have.

And to be honest, that's one way that I feel

seen and heard.

When I can share that inner experience with someone else,

I really feel connected to that person.

So in a positive way, when there is no misunderstanding,

I enjoy explaining my inner workings to another person

and for them to hear it

and for them to say, wow, that's interesting.

I would not have known any of that

if you didn't share it with me.

So in the context of a relationship,

that can be really, really good.

The problem comes when I attempt

to have that really, really nice connection

in a different context, in a different relationship,

where the person is not actually able or capable,

or maybe even where it's not even appropriate

for them to know me at that level.

And this is one of the most frustrating things

that I had to just accept about the world,

which is that the fact is most people will not be able

to connect with me on that level.

Most people, most relationships, most situations,

it's not going to be appropriate for me to share everything

that I would like to share in that situation.

I would like to share background and context

and how I got here and the thought process behind it

and all of the other interesting things

that my brain is full of,

but outside a couple of really special relationships,

that's probably going to push us

into the territory of misunderstanding

rather than leading to more connection.

When I first discovered my own autism,

one of the things that it explained

was why I felt forever misunderstood.

And this goes back to reinforce the same cycle,

because if I feel misunderstood,

I am more likely to try and explain

to get out of that feeling of misunderstanding.

So the opposite of that,

I found to be an incredibly freeing concept,

which is to just state your truth once.

And this way, I don't feel like I'm arguing,

I don't feel like I'm fighting,

I don't feel like I'm trying to get someone

who doesn't understand to understand,

which is almost impossible.

I'm also not trying to force someone to hear me

who's not interested in hearing me.

It might be really sad that they don't want to hear

what I have to say,

but that's the really sad, frustrating reality

that I need to accept a lot of the time.

So instead, the strategy is state your truth once.

That way, I've said very simply, very clearly

what I needed to say,

something as simple as I don't feel heard,

no super long email necessary.

And then if that simple message is not heard,

well, I've done everything that I could do.

Another way I like to think about this

is that the truth resonates.

So it's like hitting a bell,

you hit the bell once and then you let it ring,

shut up and let it ring.

Don't keep hitting it, that's noise.

If you just keep hitting a bell all the time,

it's creating a lot of noise,

which spontaneously encourages the listener

to block it out and turn it into background noise.

Whereas if you hit it once and let it ring,

it's like a sound that people can actually hear

if they want to.

Anyway, that is a helpful way I've found

to think about this.

Very interestingly though,

this whole concept of over-explaining

is actually directly linked

to an executive function challenge.

Prioritizing is a core executive function skill.

If I cannot identify the important part

of what I want to communicate,

then I will communicate everything equally importantly,

and leave it up to my listener to read the two page email

and then start to think, well, what is he trying to say?

What is the important part of this email?

So if I can instead take that job on myself

and figure out for myself, what do I actually want to say,

then it makes it a lot easier to communicate that clearly.

And this is becoming more and more and more clear to me

through my coaching work as well.

One of the main jobs of a life coach

is to help the person get really, really clear

on what they want.

And what I've noticed is a lot of people come to me

and they say, this is what I want.

Can I share all of the background with you?

And I imagine that that's probably the way

they're used to dealing with problems.

We have a problem,

how about I share all of this information with you?

And then once we've digested

all of this really detailed information,

then we'll move on to actually tackling the issue.

And instead I suggest something very similar

to what I talked about

in the executive function video just recently

about a top-down approach.

Let's start with the most important thing.

Instead of starting with the itty bitty details

of everything that happened

in the situation that we're talking about,

how about we start with the really high level

of what do you want from this situation?

What are you trying to do in this situation?

That kind of thing.

And then we can identify what's most important.

And you know what?

Most of the time,

we don't even have to get down into that nitty gritty level,

which saves a huge amount of time

because we haven't had to process

all of these background things

because it turns out they weren't as important

as the core message.

Anyway, I don't know how much sense this is making.

I should probably finish up soon,

but I'll leave you with one last little tip.

Overall, I've been talking about flipping

from a bottom-up approach

of sharing all of the nitty gritty information first

to a top-down approach of figuring out for yourself

what is the most important thing here.

And when you do that, when you start with that,

then suddenly text messages become a lot easier.

I used to really, really struggle with text

because it's SMS, short message service,

or at least it was in my day when it was invented.

You're expected to say one or two words,

not write an entire paragraph.

But for someone like me

who's used to writing an entire paragraph,

how do you do that?

The answer that I found is to say in one sentence

what it is that I wanna communicate.

Something like, I would like to see you again,

or I'm not coming out tonight,

or would you like to go hiking on the weekend,

or would you like to go in for a joint present

for Mother's Day?

Whatever the core reason for the message is,

I put that in the very first thing in one sentence.

And the other thing that helps me to not over-explain,

because what I would previously do is I would say that

and then I put all of the reasons

that I'm sending this message,

because I was thinking this,

and then I thought maybe you this, and then, anyway.

It gets really confusing.

So instead, I imagine what if it's like a conversation?

What if I say hello,

and then I wait for you to say hello back,

and then I say my first important sentence,

and then I wait for you to respond to that,

and then we can have more and more detail later.

So with emails, with text, with other things like that,

if I have the mindset that this is a conversation,

I don't need to share 100% of what I'm thinking

in the first blip of the conversation,

because I can just share a little bit of it,

and then I can wait for the other person to respond.

And that has helped me immensely,

especially in communicating via text.

Because what happens very often

is the response that I get invalidates

all of the preparation that I already made.

So instead of having all of these plans

and oh, let's go to Hawaii,

and we're gonna take three weeks off,

and we get it like, oh, I'm busy that weekend.

Okay, well, I guess we're not doing that then.

And so it's about getting the other person

included in the process.

I am way off topic now, but that's okay.

Getting the other person included in the process,

and part of that is not oversharing, over-explaining,

over-delivering in one step

and waiting silently for a response,

which is why I really like life coaching,

because I get to spend a lot of time

silently waiting for a response.

I can say one or two small things,

and then we just let it sink in

so that we can find what's most important.

And I don't think we do that enough.

I'm way off topic.

I should really wrap up.

Anyway, I'm actually gonna wrap up now

as I keep telling myself that I really should.

So thanks for watching.

I hope you found this interesting.

If you're an over-explainer

or if you are not an over-explainer

and you're like, wow, that's interesting,

I'd love to hear your opinion in the comments.

So thanks for watching

and I will see you again next week.

Bye.

Bye.