Avoidant Explains: Why I Came Back After No Contact w/a Very Anxious Ex

Summary

In this video, Wandoo discusses her experience as an avoidant person navigating a relationship with a very anxious partner. She explains how her ex-partner’s anxious attachment style led to exhausting behaviors like constant contact and jealousy. However, during a breakup and no contact period, Wandoo found that her ex’s decision to stop reaching out gave her the space to miss him, triggering fond memories of their positive experiences. She reflects on how stopping contact can help an avoidant person realize what they miss about the relationship, and shares insights on attachment styles and coping mechanisms.

Takeaways

• 😀 The speaker, Wandoo, shares her personal experience as an avoidant individual in a relationship with an anxious partner.
• 😀 Wandoo explains that the breakup and no contact period made her realize that she missed her partner, despite initially feeling done with the relationship.
• 😀 One of the key points is how the ex-partner’s behavior shifted during no contact, which allowed Wandoo to miss the relationship and reconsider her feelings.
• 😀 The ex-partner had a history of controlling and anxious behaviors, like constantly contacting Wandoo and checking her messages, which pushed her away during the relationship.
• 😀 Despite his anxious attachment style, Wandoo was impressed by her ex-partner's restraint in not contacting her during the no contact phase, which allowed space for reflection.
• 😀 Wandoo describes how the lack of contact gave her the break she needed to gain perspective and miss her ex-partner, despite initially feeling exhausted and overwhelmed by the relationship.
• 😀 The idea of triggering memories and nostalgia is discussed, where absence and reminders of the past (like shared experiences and humor) brought Wandoo to miss the relationship.
• 😀 Wandoo recalls specific moments, such as her ex’s humor, that made her realize how much she appreciated those positive aspects of the relationship.
• 😀 The importance of allowing space in a relationship for the partner to experience life without the other person is emphasized, as it triggers memories and can reignite feelings of missing the partner.
• 😀 Wandoo shares her lessons learned about attachment styles, encouraging a brutally honest look at one’s subconscious patterns, while noting that not every avoidant experience is the same.

Q & A

What motivated the speaker to create this video?

The speaker wanted to discuss their personal experience as an avoidant person in a relationship, focusing on why they returned to a relationship after a breakup and no contact, particularly with an anxious partner. They also aim to provide a balanced perspective on attachment styles, highlighting behaviors of both the avoidant and anxious partners.

What was the behavior of the speaker's ex that helped the speaker miss the relationship?

The speaker's ex stopped contacting them, which was surprising given his previously anxious behavior. This lack of contact gave the speaker space to reflect and eventually miss the relationship, triggering positive memories.

How did the ex's anxious attachment manifest in the relationship?

The ex exhibited behaviors such as constantly contacting the speaker, checking their phone, and being overly paranoid about interactions with other people, which were exhausting and pushed the speaker away.

Why did the speaker feel that the no-contact period was important for them?

The no-contact period allowed the speaker to gain space and perspective on the relationship. It gave them the chance to miss their ex and reflect on both the positives and negatives of the relationship, ultimately leading them to reconsider their feelings.

How does the speaker view the role of their ex's behaviors in their decision to return to the relationship?

The speaker acknowledges that while their ex’s anxious behaviors were overwhelming, the sudden absence of contact allowed them to realize what they truly valued in the relationship, particularly the humor and the unique moments they shared.

What impact did the speaker's ex's lack of contact have on them?

The speaker initially did not expect their ex to stop contacting them, but once he did, it allowed the speaker to miss the positive aspects of their relationship. This absence of contact led to the speaker reflecting on the good memories they shared, such as humor and experiences they enjoyed together.

What examples did the speaker provide to describe their ex's humor?

The speaker fondly recalls their ex’s impressions of cuab buras, a type of bird in Australia, and how his humor made them laugh. This memory of their ex’s humor was one of the triggers that made the speaker miss him.

What did the speaker learn about attachment styles through this experience?

The speaker realized that while attachment theory often focuses on the behaviors of avoidant individuals, it’s important to consider how the anxious partner’s behaviors and coping mechanisms impact the relationship dynamic. The speaker also reflected on the complexities of their own subconscious patterns in relationships.

What lesson does the speaker share about moving in with someone too soon?

The speaker warns against moving in with someone too quickly, reflecting that doing so early in the relationship led to negative aspects of their dynamic being magnified. They suggest waiting until both partners have a stronger understanding of each other before taking that step.

What is the main takeaway the speaker wants to convey to their audience?

The speaker emphasizes the importance of allowing space and no contact in a relationship, as it can create an opportunity for both partners to reflect and realize what they truly value. They also encourage a more balanced understanding of attachment styles, acknowledging that both partners contribute to the dynamics in a relationship.