Fearful Avoidant Attachment & Friends with Benefits Situations

Summary

In this video, Tyles Gibson discusses the fearful avoidance attachment style and how it relates to 'friends with benefits' scenarios. He explores the reasons why individuals with this attachment style might find themselves in such situations, including using them as a subconscious strategy to avoid deeper emotional wounds. Gibson also addresses the dynamics from the perspective of the fearful avoidant person and their partner, offering insights into self-sabotage and the importance of clear communication and boundary setting for a healthier relationship dynamic.

Takeaways

• 😢 Fearful avoidance attachment style individuals often find themselves in friends with benefits scenarios due to past hurts and a lack of belief in relationships.
• 🏃‍♀️ They may use such arrangements as a subconscious strategy to avoid dealing with deep-seated wounds, particularly trust issues.
• 🌪️ Fearful individuals might enter friends with benefits situations as a way to protect themselves from the emotional turmoil of a full-fledged relationship.
• 📉 After a painful breakup, fearful avoidant people might engage in low-commitment relationships as a way to heal without fully opening up emotionally.
• 🔁 The pattern of self-sabotage is common among fearful avoidants who develop feelings within a friends with benefits dynamic but are not ready for a committed relationship.
• 🧠 The conscious desire for a deeper connection can conflict with subconscious fears, often leading to self-sabotaging behaviors.
• 📝 To overcome this pattern, fearful avoidants need to confront and reframe their subconscious beliefs about relationships.
• 💡 Making decisions from a place of fearlessness rather than fear is crucial for fearful avoidants to take control of their relationship choices.
• 👫 Partners of fearful avoidants in friends with benefits situations often develop deeper feelings and may need to set clear boundaries to protect themselves.
• 🗣️ Open communication about needs, feelings, and boundaries is essential for evolving a friends with benefits dynamic into a more committed relationship.

Q & A

What is the main topic of Tyles Gibson's video?

The main topic of Tyles Gibson's video is the fearful avoidance attachment style and how it relates to friends with benefits scenarios.

Why do fearful avoidant individuals often find themselves in friends with benefits situations?

Fearful avoidant individuals may find themselves in friends with benefits situations as a subconscious strategy to buffer out having to acknowledge their major wounds, such as trust issues, without the commitment and expectations that come with a traditional relationship.

What are some root causes that lead fearful avoidant individuals to engage in friends with benefits scenarios?

Some root causes include being hurt and not believing in relationships, having trust wounds, and using such scenarios as a way to protect themselves from emotional vulnerability after a painful breakup.

How can fearful avoidant individuals recognize and change patterns that lead to friends with benefits scenarios?

They can recognize and change these patterns by doing a deep dive into their subconscious programming related to relationships, identifying fears, and working on healing those wounds to make choices from a place of fearlessness rather than fear.

What is the role of trust wounds in the fearful avoidant attachment style?

Trust wounds are a fundamental part of the fearful avoidant patterning, often leading to a subconscious desire to avoid situations where trust can be broken, such as in low-commitment friends with benefits scenarios.

How can someone with a fearful avoidant attachment style work on themselves to move away from disempowering dynamics?

They can work on themselves by becoming aware of their subconscious beliefs about relationships, challenging those beliefs, and reprogramming their subconscious mind to associate relationships with positive experiences.

What advice does Tyles Gibson give to those who find themselves in a friends with benefits scenario with a fearful avoidant partner?

Tyles Gibson advises being clear on one's boundaries, communicating needs and feelings openly, and encouraging the fearful avoidant partner to voice their own boundaries and needs.

Why might someone with a fearful avoidant attachment style self-sabotage when they start developing feelings in a friends with benefits scenario?

They might self-sabotage because their subconscious mind associates relationships with pain and fear, leading to a protective mechanism that prioritizes self-protection over pursuing a deeper relationship.

What is the significance of communication in evolving a friends with benefits scenario into a more serious relationship for a fearful avoidant individual?

Communication is significant as it allows for the expression of needs, feelings, and boundaries, which can help build trust and openness, essential for the fearful avoidant individual to consider a more serious relationship.

What is the principle of intermittent reinforcement, and how does it relate to the dynamics of friends with benefits scenarios?

The principle of intermittent reinforcement refers to the unpredictable nature of rewards that can strengthen a behavior. In the context of friends with benefits scenarios, the hot and cold behavior of fearful avoidant individuals can create a psychological impact that makes their partners more invested in the relationship.

Outlines

00:00

🔒 Fearful Avoidance and Friends with Benefits

Tyles Gibson discusses the fearful avoidance attachment style and its connection to friends with benefits scenarios. He explains that fearful individuals may enter such arrangements due to past relationship traumas, distrust in relationships, or as a protective measure to avoid deeper emotional wounds. The discussion also touches on the promotion of their all-access membership pass, which offers various personal development resources. Fearful individuals might use friends with benefits as a subconscious strategy to avoid acknowledging their major trust wounds, which are a fundamental part of their patterning. The paragraph concludes with advice for fearful avoidant individuals to recognize their patterns and work on their relationship fears to make healthier choices.

05:01

🔄 Navigating Fearful Avoidance in Relationships

This section delves into the dynamics of self-sabotage within fearful avoidant individuals who develop feelings in a friends with benefits scenario. The conscious desire to pursue a relationship may conflict with subconscious fears of pain and betrayal, leading to self-sabotaging behaviors. Tyles suggests that fearful avoidants should work on their relationship fears and reprogram their subconscious to make decisions from a place of fearlessness rather than fear. For partners of fearful avoidants, setting clear boundaries and encouraging open communication is crucial. The paragraph emphasizes the importance of understanding and addressing the root causes of fearful avoidant behaviors to foster healthier relationship dynamics.

Keywords

💡Fearful Avoidance Attachment Style

Fearful Avoidance Attachment Style refers to a pattern in which individuals have a strong desire for closeness and intimacy in relationships but simultaneously fear it due to a fear of rejection or abandonment. In the video, this concept is central as it explains why some people might engage in 'friends with benefits' scenarios as a way to avoid deeper emotional connections that could trigger their attachment insecurities.

💡Friends with Benefits

A 'friends with benefits' scenario is a type of casual relationship where two people engage in sexual activities without the commitment of a romantic relationship. The video discusses how individuals with a fearful avoidance attachment style might find themselves in such arrangements as a way to protect themselves from the perceived pain and complications of a committed relationship.

💡Root Causes

Root causes are the underlying reasons or motivations behind a behavior or situation. The video delves into the root causes that lead fearful avoidant individuals to engage in 'friends with benefits' scenarios, such as past relationship traumas or a general distrust of romantic relationships.

💡Self-Sabotage

Self-sabotage is the act of unconsciously undermining one's own success or happiness, often due to deep-seated fears or insecurities. In the context of the video, it is mentioned as a behavior where fearful avoidant individuals might consciously want to pursue a deeper relationship but subconsciously act in ways that prevent it, prioritizing self-protection over emotional vulnerability.

💡Trust Wounds

Trust wounds refer to emotional injuries that result from broken trust, often in past relationships. The video explains that fearful avoidant individuals often have significant trust wounds, which can lead them to avoid deep commitments and instead opt for lower-risk relationships like 'friends with benefits'.

💡Emotional Availability

Emotional availability refers to one's capacity to be open and receptive to forming emotional connections with others. The video discusses how fearful avoidant individuals might be emotionally unavailable due to past hurts, leading them to engage in 'friends with benefits' scenarios where emotional investment is minimized.

💡Subconscious Strategy

A subconscious strategy is an unconscious plan or approach that the mind uses to cope with or avoid certain situations. The video describes how fearful avoidant individuals might subconsciously choose 'friends with benefits' scenarios as a strategy to avoid confronting and dealing with their deeper emotional wounds.

💡Intermittent Reinforcement

Intermittent reinforcement is a psychological principle where behavior is reinforced inconsistently, making it more resistant to extinction. The video suggests that the hot and cold behavior often exhibited by fearful avoidant individuals in 'friends with benefits' scenarios might create a form of intermittent reinforcement, making their partners more attached and less likely to leave the situation.

💡Boundaries

Boundaries in relationships refer to the limits and rules that individuals set to protect their emotional and physical well-being. The video emphasizes the importance of setting and maintaining clear boundaries for those involved with fearful avoidant individuals, as it can help both parties navigate the complexities of 'friends with benefits' scenarios.

💡Vulnerability

Vulnerability is the willingness to expose oneself emotionally to the risk of being hurt or rejected. The video suggests that fostering vulnerability through open communication about needs and feelings can be a pathway for fearful avoidant individuals to move from 'friends with benefits' scenarios to more committed relationships.

Highlights

Introduction to fearful avoidance attachment style and friends with benefits scenarios

Root causes of fearful women finding themselves in friends with benefits situations

Fearful women's belief that relationships are too hard and their self-perception in love

How fearful avoidance attachment style leads to disempowerment in relationships

The role of trust wounds in fearful avoidance attachment patterns

Using friends with benefits as a subconscious strategy to avoid major wounds

The tendency of fearful avoidant individuals to stay closed off after a painful relationship

How friends with benefits can provide connection without emotional vulnerability

The concept of self-sabotage in fearful avoidant individuals

The dynamic between conscious and subconscious priorities in self-sabotage

Advice for fearful avoidant individuals to work on their fears of relationships

The importance of making decisions from a place of fearlessness rather than fear

Challenges faced by partners in friends with benefits dynamics with fearful avoidant individuals

The psychological impact of intermittent reinforcement in friends with benefits relationships

The need for clear boundaries and communication in relationships involving fearful avoidant individuals

Encouraging fearful avoidant partners to voice their feelings and boundaries

The role of vulnerability in evolving relationships with fearful avoidant individuals

Closing thoughts and invitation for further questions on the topic

Transcripts

hi my name is tyles gibson and i'm the

co-owner and creator of the personal

development school

this is your daily breakthrough video

and in this video we're going to talk a

little bit about the fearful avoidance

attachment style

and friends with benefit scenarios so

different reasons they'll find

themselves in the situation

some of the root causes what you can do

if you find yourself

in that situation and then want to

recognize some of your patterns and move

away from that

or some important things to realize if

you are the partner

or loved one or sort of other person in

that situation with the fearful

avoidance as well

[Music]

before i dive in we still have our with

your promotion going on it is for 25

off our all access membership pass for 3

6 12 months

there's a full money back guarantee um

and it gives you access to everything

all of our attachment coach run events

which we have six a week mastermind

groups socials i do four live calls a

week we're

now transitioning to zoom um so it'll be

video calls everybody can see each other

on there um

and that's with all of our students and

then we have of course our 40 plus

pre-recorded courses so you can check

that out

so um here is some of the

here are some of the dynamics first and

foremost as to why the fearful woman

often finds themselves in the situation

so number one fearful women will get

into friends with benefit situations

when they're hurt and they don't believe

in relationships

i've heard a lot of fearful women over

the years say things like relationships

are too hard

i'm good at lots of things in life but

i'm not good at love

i you know feel like relationships are

something i want

but the moment i get into them i feel

like my life becomes

you know a disaster like everything just

becomes triggering and frustrating and

hot and cold and confusing and fearful

points can sometimes feel

really disempowered in a relationship

dynamic not because

they aren't good at loving and giving

love and being open

um to that but because there are a lot

of wounds that get activated and

eventually

when the wounds are pushed um or the

triggers are attached over and over

which is kind of inevitable

it can be very painful and there's a

need to withdraw so

fearful avoidance when they're in a

friend's benefit situation they

basically can sometimes use that as a

subconscious strategy to buffer out

having to acknowledge their major wounds

so

let's say for example that um you know

we know for

for certain that fearful ones have major

trust wounds as a general rule it's like

one of the fundamental parts of their

patterning or programming

and so if you have this major trust

wound but then you're in a situation

where

there isn't a whole lot of trust to be

broken because it's low commitment

low expectations you know there aren't

these agreements you've made towards

exclusivity or things like that that can

be broken

basically if your one gets to show up in

that situation where

they can be more of themselves and be

exposed way less to some of their major

core wounds

and so if somebody's healing and working

on themselves as a fearful avoidant

they might be more aware that that part

of them that's very

present and very available emotionally

and really wants to bond and connect

does take precedence and tends to

prioritize a

a relationship and whatever function or

dynamic that looks like for you

um but before doing work on yourself

these sorts of things

that can be a dynamic that your whole

avoidance fall into

and it's usually subconscious strategy

for like self-protection at a deeper

level

and another big cause that kind of goes

hand in hand with this

is sometimes revolutions will do this

when they're like licking their wounds

you know sometimes they'll get out of a

relationship and they just they aren't

ready to be emotionally available again

they're still closed down if you're full

points can after a painful relationship

stay closed down for

long periods of time like really not be

open to romance or

dating or anything for like years like

i've seen this

most distinctly and fearful avoiding

attachment cells where it's almost like

they think they're dismissive but

they're not they just are protecting

themselves from all of the

rollercoaster stuff that they have come

to associate with relationships if

that's been a pattern they found

so they kind of try to protect

themselves by pulling away all together

and so this is sort of like a variation

of that where they can go okay like i'm

really closed off emotionally to the

this person but i'm going to be in a

dynamic where i will be open to like

some form of connection

and so friends with benefit situation

helps because it gives me that

connection without having to

um put myself through the ringer or open

up too much or anything like that again

and again this is like very

much associated with people coming out

of a past relationship that was very

painful

or going through a difficult breakup so

those are some of the major reasons of

course it still sort of breaks down to

that like

idea where it's the feelings minus the

fears

and so obviously feelings can develop

and can move in a different direction

but i often see

um fearful avoidance and i would say

this like nine out of 10 times i've

worked with clients who are in these

dynamics

i would say that they go into these like

friends with benefit situations

and when they get feelings if they are

not ready to be in a relationship yet

they often like what we call

self-sabotage

um which is really just a subconscious

strategy to get other needs met that the

conscious mind isn't choosing so it's

like

you have this conscious intention which

goes oh i'm actually like

interested in this person and wow i'm

really like falling for the person and

so let me try to move things along but

if your subconscious is like no we

associate relationships with pain

with fear with having bad endings with

our trust being broken

and the subconscious will actually

prioritize protecting itself even though

the conscious mind is trying to go in

this direction the subconscious pulls

back

and that's really what self-sabotage is

in any form it's just

the conscious and subconscious having

different priorities and so

the subconscious will always win in the

end unless of course we learn to use our

conscious mind to reprogram our

subconscious

so um that's a big dynamic that i see

where like if the fa gets feelings

then they sometimes think oh i'm gonna

go do something

but then even when they think

consciously that they want to pursue a

friends with benefit thing into

something more serious they

end up self-sabotaging aka prioritizing

self-protection instead

um so if you are the fearful avoidant

and you're finding yourself in these

dynamics and you're like these are

disempowering for me

i don't want to be in these situations

anymore i'm starting to get feelings for

somebody and i don't want to

self-sabotage whatever it might be

basically what you have to focus on

working on are your fears of

relationships like you have to start by

doing a big

dump on paper of all of the concepts and

ideas that you carry

as associations to relationships that

are stored and a part of your

subconscious programming

so for example like if you thought that

all relationships are peaceful and easy

and you believe in yourself to do well

with them and

um to be you know really healthy and to

just

thrive in that area of your life then

like you're not going to have these

these push-pull dynamics or you're not

going to have these dynamics where you

want closest and then try to push it

away at the same time

um so really you have to get clear on

like what do i want and and this isn't

so that you can like

never be in a friend's benefit situation

i'm not saying that that's right or

wrong in any way like i think whatever

people want to do

power to them like those are your

choices and decisions at any point in

your life no matter what

but what i'm saying is that you want to

be able to make that place from that

choice or that decision from a place of

fearlessness

not from a place of being motivated by

fear

in terms of how you're making that

choice so for example not because

you're just terrified of relationships

and you associate them as being painful

that's not a good place to make a

decision from if you want to be in a

friends benefit scenario do it from a

place of like not having those wounds

and not letting those wounds and

unresolved

traumas dictate your future because then

we're just disempowered in our dynamics

as humans right so that's like a really

big

focus you want to be aware of and then

if you're the partner of this

in a fearful avoidance situation often

what i've seen

is that people who are in friends with

benefits dynamics with fearful avoidance

kind of fall for the fearful avoidance i

would say like the vast majority of the

time they end up like having more

feelings

and i think it's like the the principle

of intermittent reinforcement which i

can make a whole second video on but

just the psychological impact of that of

like

the hot and cold um which can show up

for the fa and then also the fearful one

being their best self usually when

they can love and connect and be open

but not fear

that their wounds are going to be

touched or or that their you know

trust is going to be broken or a

commitment is going to be broken so

so um you know i'm sure if you're

watching this because you're the partner

of an fa or the friends of benefits

person with the fa

you're probably coming like looking for

solace or understanding

um and so what's really important is for

you as a person

in the relationship dynamic with the fa

to be really clear on your boundaries

and to be really concise at showing up

for your boundaries that's often what

makes if you're flawless start to like

kind of like reconsider their behavior

and then you have to encourage the

fearful avoidance though it's ultimately

their job

to be aware of their own boundaries too

and to start speaking up for their needs

and how you can sort of evolve the

relationship into something more if

those people are on board

is to start opening communication that's

such a powerful

um transition and that's part of how a

fearful one can start like being open

and trusting and all these different

dynamics so

the more you talk about your needs voice

your feelings voice your boundaries

add an element of vulnerability that's

ultimately what involves the scenario

so hopefully that gives everybody sort

of a clear picture from from all

potential sides

um i hope this is helpful let me know

any questions you have about this topic

in the comments below i can make more

videos on it

thank you so much for watching and for

being here please like share and

subscribe

and i will see you in the next video

you