Monogamy, is it really one-size-fits-all? | Jordan Lyon | TEDxSurreyUniversitySalon

Summary

This video challenges traditional ideas of romantic relationships, critiquing the cultural obsession with exclusivity and the idea of finding 'the one.' It explores polyamory as an alternative, where individuals engage in consensual, multiple romantic and sexual relationships. By comparing relationships to friendships and arguing that love is a spectrum, the speaker advocates for self-acceptance and flexibility in relationships. The video promotes understanding that human desires are diverse and natural, encouraging a shift away from shame and towards a more inclusive, adaptable approach to love and connection.

Takeaways

• 😀 Monogamy has been deeply ingrained in culture through media, literature, and societal norms, often depicted as the ultimate goal in romantic relationships.
• 😀 The idealized search for 'the one' in traditional monogamy can lead to unrealistic expectations and result in feelings of betrayal and jealousy when relationships fail.
• 😀 The concept of exclusivity in romantic relationships is compared to a restrictive rule in sports, suggesting it may be unrealistic and against human nature.
• 😀 Polyamory is introduced as an alternative to monogamy, where individuals engage in multiple romantic or sexual relationships with the consent of all parties involved.
• 😀 In a polyamorous relationship, exclusivity is not a requirement, and love and intimacy are not conditional on monogamy, which can prevent feelings of betrayal or jealousy.
• 😀 The speaker draws parallels between relationships and friendships, arguing that just as one can maintain multiple meaningful friendships, one can also have multiple romantic relationships without diminishing any individual connection.
• 😀 The speaker questions why we expect one romantic partner to meet all of our needs, similar to how we expect multiple friends to fill different roles in our lives (e.g., shopping buddy, sports partner, confidante).
• 😀 The spectrum of human sexuality is complex and fluid, ranging from heterosexual to homosexual, and various identities like pansexual, asexual, and bisexual, which suggests relationships should be understood as a spectrum too.
• 😀 Polyamory offers flexibility for individuals to create personalized relationship contracts that fit their unique desires, preferences, and boundaries, as opposed to adhering to a rigid, traditional model of monogamy.
• 😀 While the speaker acknowledges that monogamy is not inherently bad, they suggest that it is only one form of relationship, and that people should embrace the diversity of relationship types based on their own needs and desires.
• 😀 The central message is to encourage people to accept their natural human desires and instincts without feeling guilty or shameful, and to understand that human relationships are diverse and should be treated as such.

Q & A

What cultural messages are people exposed to regarding romantic relationships from a young age?

From a young age, people are exposed to messages from sources like Disney princess stories, romantic comedies, and TV shows, which emphasize the idea of finding 'the one' — a perfect partner who will meet all their emotional, romantic, and life needs, often leading to unrealistic expectations about relationships.

How does the speaker compare exclusivity in relationships to rules in a football game?

The speaker compares exclusivity in relationships to a football rule that limits the use of body parts. While it’s a rule in the game, the rule may not be entirely realistic or helpful. Similarly, exclusivity in relationships may go against human nature and can create tension when broken.

What is the concept of polyamory introduced in the transcript?

Polyamory is the practice of engaging in multiple romantic or sexual relationships simultaneously, with the full consent of all involved parties. It contrasts with monogamy by allowing for emotional and sexual connections with more than one person without causing conflict, as long as everyone agrees to the arrangement.

How does the speaker differentiate between the two scenarios of cheating and polyamory?

In the first scenario (monogamous), the relationship is based on exclusivity, and breaking that exclusivity by cheating causes betrayal, jealousy, and confusion. In the second scenario (polyamory), there is no such expectation of exclusivity, and any relationships outside the primary one are discussed openly and without judgment, reducing feelings of betrayal.

What is the argument made by polyamorous people regarding love and multiple relationships?

Polyamorous people argue that just as someone can have multiple close friends without diminishing the value of those friendships, it is possible to love and be romantically involved with more than one person at the same time without undermining the emotional depth or trust in any of those relationships.

How does the speaker address the idea that one person cannot meet all of someone's needs?

The speaker suggests that expecting one person to fulfill every need (emotional, sexual, social, etc.) is unrealistic, just as it is unrealistic to expect one friend to serve all purposes. Different relationships can serve different needs, and polyamory allows individuals to have multiple partners who fulfill different aspects of their lives.

What is the significance of treating relationships as customizable 'contracts' in polyamory?

In polyamory, the concept of relationships as 'contracts' means that couples can tailor their relationship rules to fit their personal needs and desires. These arrangements can range from open relationships to having multiple romantic partners, and they are based on mutual consent and communication.

How does the speaker address the spectrum of human sexuality?

The speaker emphasizes that human sexuality is not binary but a spectrum, ranging from heterosexual to homosexual and including various identities such as bisexual, pansexual, and asexual. This complexity should be acknowledged in how we approach romantic and sexual relationships, suggesting that relationships should also be viewed as a spectrum, rather than fixed in categories like monogamy or non-monogamy.

What is the speaker's stance on monogamy?

The speaker does not criticize monogamy but rather challenges the idea that it is the only valid form of relationship. They believe that while monogamy works for some, there are other valid relationship models like polyamory, and it’s important to recognize the variety of ways people can engage in romantic and sexual partnerships.

What does the speaker say about societal views on human desires and instincts?

The speaker argues that society places undue shame and guilt on natural human desires and instincts, particularly around sexuality. They suggest that people should feel freer to embrace their desires without judgment, recognizing that different people have different needs and preferences in relationships.