3 Phases of Borderline’s Rollercoaster

Summary

In this insightful discussion, Sam Vaknin, author and psychology professor, explores the regulatory cycle of individuals with borderline personality disorder (BPD) and their intimate partners. He outlines three phases: 1) the initial enmeshment where the borderline partner seeks emotional regulation from their partner, 2) the disillusionment phase where the partner recognizes the toxicity of the relationship, leading to withdrawal, and 3) the transactional regulatory valley where attempts to restore stability often fail, resulting in further emotional chaos. Vaknin emphasizes the complexities of these relationships, revealing how the dynamic shifts and ultimately affects both partners.

Takeaways

• 😀 Sam Vaknin is an expert on narcissism and borderline personality disorder, emphasizing the importance of understanding emotional regulation in relationships.
• 😕 Individuals with borderline personality disorder often seek emotional stability from their intimate partners, leading to enmeshment and dependency.
• 🔄 The regulatory cycle of borderline personality disorder consists of three phases: idealization, disenchantment, and a transactional regulatory valley.
• 💔 In Phase One, borderlines present a false self, creating a shared fantasy with their partner that temporarily stabilizes their emotions.
• 😣 During Phase Two, as partners recognize the negative effects of the relationship, the borderline experiences increased dysregulation, perceiving withdrawal as rejection.
• ⚖️ Phase Three involves a transactional relationship where the borderline may try to re-idealize their partner or revert to past relationships for stability.
• 🌀 The intimate partner often absorbs the chaotic emotions of the borderline, leading to a role reversal where the partner becomes more dysregulated.
• 😩 As the relationship progresses, the borderline's behavior may escalate, causing significant stress and dysfunction for both parties.
• 🌪️ The emotional ups and downs in these relationships are often described as chaotic, with the borderline exhibiting both attachment and avoidance behaviors.
• 📝 Understanding these dynamics can help partners navigate their relationships with borderlines, recognizing the signs of emotional dysregulation.

Q & A

What is the main topic discussed in the video?

The main topic is the regulatory cycle of individuals with borderline personality disorder (BPD) and their intimate partners, focusing on how emotions and moods are regulated within these relationships.

Who is Sam Vaknin and what are his credentials?

Sam Vaknin is an author known for his work on narcissism, specifically his book 'Malignant Self-Love: Narcissism Revisited.' He is also a professor of psychology.

What is the first phase of the regulatory cycle described?

In the first phase, the borderline individual identifies an intimate partner and presents their false self to them, creating a shared fantasy that involves enmeshment and emotional regulation.

How does the borderline partner affect their intimate partner's emotional state?

The borderline partner transfers their internal chaos to the intimate partner, causing the partner to become increasingly dysregulated while the borderline experiences temporary emotional stability.

What happens in the second phase of the regulatory cycle?

In the second phase, the intimate partner becomes disillusioned and withdraws, establishing boundaries. This withdrawal is perceived by the borderline as rejection, leading to increased dysregulation on their part.

What does Sam Vaknin mean by 'transactional regulatory valley'?

The 'transactional regulatory valley' refers to the third phase where the couple tries to establish a functional but transactional relationship, leading the borderline to seek alternatives for emotional regulation.

What are the possible outcomes for the borderline partner if the shared fantasy fails?

If the shared fantasy fails, the borderline may either idealize past partners, engage in self-destructive behavior, or isolate themselves completely.

Why does the borderline individual have a false self?

The borderline individual develops a false self to cope with feelings of emptiness and to attract a partner who can provide them with stability and safety, which they struggle to maintain internally.

How does the concept of enmeshment play a role in the regulatory cycle?

Enmeshment is critical in the first phase, as the borderline seeks to merge with their partner to find emotional stability, which ultimately leads to chaos and dysregulation as roles reverse.

What advice does Sam Vaknin offer for those in relationships with borderlines?

He suggests being aware of the inevitable regulatory cycles and their impacts, and encourages individuals to set boundaries and recognize the potential for dysregulation in themselves.