The EASY Way To Win Back An AVOIDANT Ex

Summary

In this video, Brad Browning, author of 'The Ex Factor 2.0' and a breakup coach, explains that winning back an avoidantly attached ex can be easier than others due to their need for distance. He outlines the importance of understanding attachment styles, particularly anxious and avoidant, which often form a push-pull dynamic in relationships. Browning advises taking a non-confrontational, patient approach post-breakup, allowing space for the avoidant ex to miss the relationship and gradually rebuild connection without triggering their avoidance. He also suggests reflecting on one's own behavior to avoid repeating past patterns.

Takeaways

• 🔒 **Avoidant Attachment Style**: People with an avoidant attachment style tend to fear closeness and prioritize their independence, often pulling away in relationships.
• 🔄 **Clinginess and Avoidance Cycle**: A common pattern in relationships is the cycle of one partner being clingy and the other avoidant, which can be damaging to both parties.
• 💔 **Breakup Reasons**: Often, breakups involving an avoidant partner aren't due to specific issues but are a result of their need for distance and fear of losing independence.
• 🤔 **Understanding Avoidance**: To reconnect with an avoidant ex, it's crucial to understand their perspective and not take their avoidance personally.
• 🌱 **Growth and Change**: While attachment styles can be modified over time, they are deeply rooted and changes should not be expected overnight.
• 🚫 **No Contact Period**: After a breakup, an avoidant ex may require a no-contact period to process their feelings and to start missing their former partner.
• 📈 **Reconnecting Slowly**: When attempting to reconnect, it's important to take things slowly and not to rush the avoidant partner into commitment.
• 🤝 **Building Trust**: By showing understanding and patience, the avoidant partner can be shown to be a safe person to get close to, building trust for a closer relationship.
• 🚀 **Flirtatious Approach**: A bit of interest followed by backing off can create tension that may entice the avoidant partner to want more.
• 🏃‍♂️ **Resist the Urge to Chase**: When an avoidant partner pulls away, it's important not to chase after them but to maintain independence and a broader focus in life.

Q & A

What is the main challenge in dealing with an avoidant partner or ex?

The main challenge is their tendency to stonewall and avoid confrontation or closeness, which can make it difficult to reconnect or maintain a relationship.

Why might getting back together with an avoidant ex be easier than with other types?

It can be easier because the breakup often stems from a temporary emotional state rather than a fundamental issue with the relationship itself.

What are the four attachment styles mentioned in the script?

The four attachment styles are secure, disorganized, anxious, and avoidant.

How do anxious and avoidant attachment styles typically interact in a relationship?

Anxious individuals tend to seek closeness and connection, while avoidant individuals pull away, leading to a cycle of clinginess and avoidance.

What is the role of conflict in interactions between avoidant and anxious partners?

Conflict often triggers the avoidant partner to withdraw further, while the anxious partner may escalate their attempts to connect, exacerbating the situation.

How can understanding an avoidant ex's perspective help in rebuilding the relationship?

Understanding their need for independence and fear of closeness can guide one to approach the relationship with patience and without demanding too much too soon.

What is the significance of no-contact periods when dealing with an avoidant ex?

No-contact periods give the avoidant ex space to miss the other person and process their feelings, which can be crucial for them to realize their need for the relationship.

How should one approach an avoidant ex after a breakup?

One should approach slowly, without demanding too much, and allow the avoidant ex to set the pace of reconnection.

What is the paradox mentioned in the script regarding avoidant individuals and closeness?

The paradox is that avoidant individuals leave relationships because of too much closeness, but once broken up, the lack of closeness removes their reason for staying away.

How can an anxious person best support an avoidant ex during the process of reconnection?

By reflecting on their own behavior, not taking the avoidant ex's behavior personally, and giving them space to navigate their feelings at their own pace.

What is the advice for dealing with an avoidant ex who wants to keep the relationship casual?

One should make their expectations clear, resist normalizing a casual relationship, and potentially use actions to communicate their needs if direct conversation is difficult.

Outlines

00:00

🔒 Navigating the Challenge of an Avoidant Ex

The paragraph introduces the challenge of dealing with an avoidant ex-partner. Brad Browning, a breakup coach and author, shares his expertise on how to reconnect with an avoidant ex. He explains that despite the difficulties, it can be easier to get an avoidant ex back due to their attachment style. The basis for this lies in understanding attachment styles, which dictate how individuals form connections. The paragraph highlights the differences between anxious and avoidant attachment styles, which often lead to a cycle of clinginess and avoidance. It emphasizes the need to break this cycle to rekindle a relationship.

05:00

🔄 The Vicious Cycle of Clinginess and Avoidance

This section delves into the dynamics of clingy and avoidant behaviors in relationships. It explains how these behaviors can escalate into a self-perpetuating cycle, causing both partners distress. The paragraph outlines how an avoidant partner may misinterpret signs of interest as threats, leading to withdrawal. It also addresses the misconception that avoidant individuals do not desire intimacy. Instead, they struggle with expressing their needs due to fear and discomfort. The key takeaway is that understanding and interrupting this cycle is crucial for rebuilding a relationship with an avoidant ex.

10:01

💔 The Misconception About Avoidant Individuals

The paragraph clarifies a common misunderstanding about avoidant individuals, emphasizing that they do indeed crave closeness and intimacy, contrary to popular belief. It discusses the internal conflict avoidant people face when they desire connection but are scared by it. The speaker suggests that the avoidant ex's behavior stems from a fear of closeness rather than a lack of feelings. The section also hints at strategies for reconnecting with an avoidant ex, such as giving them space and time to miss the relationship, which can paradoxically make them more likely to seek reconciliation.

15:03

🌱 Fostering a Healthy Reconnection

This section provides guidance on how to approach an avoidant ex after a breakup. It recommends a period of no contact to allow the avoidant partner to miss the relationship and to process their feelings independently. The paragraph underscores the importance of a gentle, slow approach to avoid triggering the avoidant behaviors. It also stresses the need for the pursuer to reflect on their own behavior and to be mindful of how their actions may have contributed to the relationship's issues. The goal is to create a new dynamic that avoids past mistakes and fosters a healthier relationship.

20:03

📈 Modifying Behavior for a Better Relationship

The final paragraph focuses on the need for the anxious partner to modify their behavior to accommodate the avoidant ex's attachment style. It advises against obsessing over the relationship and suggests focusing on other sources of happiness. The speaker provides tips on how to interact with the avoidant ex, such as not taking their behavior personally and avoiding discussions about the past relationship or future expectations. The goal is to create a comfortable space for the avoidant ex to reconnect without feeling pressured or overwhelmed, ultimately leading to a stronger relationship.

Keywords

💡Avoidant Attachment Style

An avoidant attachment style is a pattern of relating to others that is characterized by discomfort with closeness and an unwillingness to depend on others emotionally. In the video, Brad Browning discusses how having an avoidant ex-partner can affect attempts to reconnect, as they tend to stonewall or withdraw during times of emotional intensity. This style is contrasted with an anxious attachment style, which is more focused on seeking closeness and is often the partner's style in relationships with avoidant individuals.

💡Anxious Attachment Style

An anxious attachment style is defined by a strong desire for closeness and a fear of rejection or abandonment. In the script, Brad explains that people with an anxious attachment style often feel the need to connect more directly and may become overly invested in the relationship, leading to a push-pull dynamic with an avoidant partner. This style is highlighted as the likely attachment style of the viewer whose ex is avoidant.

💡Stonewalling

Stonewalling refers to the act of completely shutting down communication, often seen in avoidant individuals during conflicts. In the video, Brad mentions that avoidant ex-partners might stonewall as a way to cope with the stress of emotional closeness, making it difficult for the other partner to resolve issues or feel heard.

💡Breakup Coach

A breakup coach is a professional who helps individuals navigate the process of ending or recovering from a romantic relationship. Brad Browning identifies himself as a breakup coach with 15 years of experience, positioning his advice as informed by extensive work with clients seeking to mend or rekindle relationships.

💡The X Factor 2.0

The X Factor 2.0 is a book authored by Brad Browning, which presumably offers advice on relationships and breakups. The mention of this book in the script serves to establish Brad's credibility and to suggest that his methods have been formalized and are available for those seeking more in-depth guidance.

💡Stimulus

In the context of the video, stimulus refers to any event or situation that affects the relationship, such as moments of connection or disconnection. Brad uses the term to describe how both anxious and avoidant individuals respond differently to the same event, such as saying 'I love you' for the first time or having a fight.

💡Clinginess

Clinginess is described in the script as a behavior where one partner becomes overly attached or seeks excessive reassurance in a relationship. Brad points out that clinginess can be as destructive as avoidance and that it often stems from anxiety rather than a genuine desire for connection.

💡No Contact

No contact is a strategy recommended by Brad where one party ceases all communication with their ex for a period of time following a breakup. This approach is particularly advised for dealing with an avoidant ex, as it provides the necessary space for them to miss the other person and to process their feelings about the relationship.

💡Independence

Independence in the video refers to the need for autonomy and self-reliance, which is highly valued by individuals with an avoidant attachment style. Brad explains that avoidant individuals often have fewer social connections and are less consistent in their relationships because they prioritize their independence.

💡Secure Attachment Style

A secure attachment style is characterized by the ability to comfortably trust others and form stable, healthy relationships. While not the main focus of the video, Brad contrasts avoidant and anxious attachment styles with secure attachment, suggesting that secure individuals would be less likely to experience the push-pull dynamic described.

💡Avoidant Personality Disorder

Avoidant Personality Disorder is a mental health condition where a person has a pervasive pattern of social inhibition, feelings of inadequacy, and a hypersensitivity to negative evaluation. Brad mentions this disorder to illustrate an extreme form of avoidant behavior, clarifying that not all avoidant individuals have this disorder and that they can still form relationships.

Highlights

An avoidant partner can make a relationship difficult, but getting back together with an avoidant ex might be easier than with other types.

Avoidant exes can be a huge advantage if you understand their attachment style.

Attachment styles determine how you create an attachment to another person.

Anxious and avoidant attachment styles are common in relationships.

Anxious individuals often respond differently to relationship stimuli compared to avoidant individuals.

Clinginess can be as destructive as avoidance in a relationship.

Both clinginess and avoidance can be driven by anxiety rather than a conscious decision.

Attachment styles are not fixed and can change based on how you're treated in relationships.

Avoidant individuals are more sensitive to clingy behavior and may perceive it as a threat.

The push and pull dynamic between anxious and avoidant partners can create a bond, but also lead to a shaky relationship.

Understanding the avoidant partner's fear of closeness is key to getting them back.

Avoidant individuals value their independence and may struggle with conflict.

Avoidant individuals want closeness and intimacy, but they respond differently to it.

The reason for the breakup with an avoidant partner is often a temporary heightened state of emotion.

To win back an avoidant ex, you need to interrupt the pattern of clinginess and avoidance.

Planting seeds and letting them bloom is a strategy to get what you want without scaring off an avoidant partner.

A period of no contact is recommended after a breakup with an avoidant ex.

When reconnecting with an avoidant ex, take it slowly and don't demand too much too soon.

It's important to let the avoidant ex set the pace during the process of reconnecting.

Avoidant exes may start things up again while trying to keep a distance.

If avoidant exes are not moving forward, make your expectations clear and resist their desire to keep things as they are.

To attract an avoidant ex, show that you're independent and secure in your life.

Resist the urge to talk about the past relationship or future expectations when reconnecting with an avoidant ex.

Don't take an avoidant ex's behavior personally; it's part of their attachment style.

Transcripts

having an avoidant partner can make a

relationship extremely difficult but

what about an avoidant ex you know how

are you supposed to get their attention

and their love when they're so good at

stonewalling you well I'm here to tell

you that it can actually be easier to

get an avoidant X back than really any

other type of X it might sound crazy but

this is actually backed up by all of my

experience as a breakup coach over the

last 15

[Music]

years I'm Brad Browning author of The X

Factor 2.0 and I've helped thousands of

clients get a second chance with their

X's so you can trust me when I say that

an ex with an avoidant attachment style

can be a huge Advantage for you if you

do want another chance with them and the

reason for this has to do with why the

relationship typically ends in the first

place but for this to make sense we have

to talk a little bit about attachment

Styles and how they work now I'm not

going to go too deep into it here I've

made a whole video on this topic that

I'll I'll link to the two in the

description below but what you need to

know is that a is one of the four

attachment

Styles everyone has an attachment style

and this determines the way that you you

create an attachment to another person

now this affects all relationships in

your life but it's felt most strongly in

romantic relationships now everyone's

attachment style is going to be a little

bit different but they boil down to four

groups secure disorganized anxious and

avoidant and for our purposes we're

really only talking about those last two

anxious and avoidant because if you're

watching this video it's pretty safe to

bet that you have an anxious attachment

style and your ex is avoidant now this

is a very common pattern in

relationships and what this means is

that you two respond in very different

ways to stimulus in a relationship and

by stimulus what I'm talking about is

anything that affects the relationship

either good or bad big or small you know

these are moments of connection or or

disconnection so for example you know

the first time you both said I love you

I'm sure it was a magical moment for

both of you you know you held each other

close and you know everything felt like

it was falling into place perfectly but

then you know you may have noticed a

change in the coming days you know you

excited by this deepening of of your

connection wanted to spend more time

together and connect in in new ways you

know it's like you wanted to crawl into

their skin and live in there and you

might have noticed your ex you know

pulling away you know becoming a little

distant or seeming distracted so same

stimulus different responses and now

let's talk a little bit about a moment

of disconnection so say the two of you

have a big fight you know you're

screaming and and yelling at one another

let's say you you work through it to an

extent you know you come to an agreement

or at least you know decide to drop the

subject and and keep the peace and now

at this point you're afraid to lose this

relationship you know you don't want

there to be any distance between the two

of you so you might reach out to your ex

more you know make more attempts to

connect with them both to shore up the

relationship and to to quiet your own

anxiety about possibly losing them and

again your ex will use this as an

opportunity to pull away you know to get

some space and to process what happened

you know they're also hurt and Afraid

about what it might mean for the future

but their way of coping is just

completely different from yours so while

your ex's response might be more harmful

you know these can both be negative

depending on the intensity of the

reaction you know clinginess can be just

as destructive as avoidance and the two

of feed off one another and they can be

damaging because both cleanness and

avoidance don't take into consideration

the other person you know they say to

the other person you know my feelings

and my needs are the priority here now I

often get a lot of push back when I say

this because people say you know well

I'm only clingy because I love them and

I want them they're avoidant because

they're selfish and my counter to that

is that you know to think back think

back all on all the times where you were

most clingy you know was it about how

connected did you fa to this person or

was it more about the fact that they

were so inconsistent that made you feel

crazy and I think you'll find that

cleaniness is more driven by anxiety

than it is a real bid for connection but

again you can both be forgiven because

this isn't a conscious process it's

driven by an intense burst of emotion so

it kind of hijacks your behavior and

makes you act in ways you wouldn't

otherwise and the other thing about

these attachment Styles is they're not

totally fixed you know you can be more

more secure with one partner and more

avoidant with another chances are you're

you're not going to totally change your

attachment style overnight but they will

shift and change based on how you're

treated and the patterns that you create

in relationships because you know

anxious Behavior can actually trigger

avoidance in the other person and

avoidance can also trigger anxiety in

the other person and it it makes sense

when you think about it right you know

if you've been on three dates and you

know the other person suddenly says

something like I love you I need you in

my life you know we're meant to be well

you're probably going to be put off you

know you'll you'll pull away from them

in a big way if you don't end the

relationship entirely basically when we

identify clingy Behavior it can it can

set off alarm Bells so you think you

know oh this other person is way more

invested than I am we're not on the same

page I'm in danger of of them getting

closer to me faster than I can handle

and for an avoidant you know their radar

for this kind of behavior is way too

sensitive you know they can take even a

minor sign of interest in receive it as

a threat and instead of talking about

this an avoidant person will do really

what they know how to do and they'll

pull away and they'll leave you

wondering what the hell happened and

this can trigger more clingy behavior in

you because you feel threatened by the

distance they're creating when someone

pulls away it feels like a rejection so

you're just trying to repair that hurt

by really you know Bridging the Gap it's

a it's a chicken or the egg situation

you know are you being clingy because

your partner is avoidant or is your

partner being avoidant because you're

being clingy and there's there's rarely

an easy answer to this question and

ultimately it really it doesn't matter

it's a cycle that you're you're

participating in together and this push

and pull can can actually draw you to

together in in early dating because it's

it's like a roller coaster that you're

you're riding together you know you're

both feeling a lot of intense feelings

and even if they're not always good

feelings it is going to create a bond

and of course if you don't find cing

rout eventually then you end up building

a a pretty shaky relationship you know

the anxious person feels like they're

being denied love and the avoidance

feels like they're they're being

smothered and eventually you're going to

want to get off the roller coaster so

let's talk a little bit about how this

can help you get your ex back because

that's what we're here for really so

basically if you and your ex broke up

even if it seemed to be happening for

another reason chances are this was

really the main factor of your ex feared

the closeness that you represented they

felt like they had to to fight for their

independence in the relationship like

they were losing themselves to the

relationship and they didn't know how to

express that to you and establish better

boundaries the good news is that you

know if you want them back you just have

to interrupt this pattern that's it you

know sure there there might be other

small issues to work out but if your ex

is avoidant then chances are this is the

bulk of the issue and to make this

happen we have to really understand the

other person's point of view so let's go

deeper into to what sets avoidance apart

so first off you know you need to know

that I'm I'm talking generally here you

know having an avoidant attachment style

being an avoidant looks different for

different people there's even an

avoidant personality disorder for people

who use avoidance as their only coping

strategy and completely shun the world

outside themselves so chances are you

know your ex isn't that extreme they're

not a lost cause you know I doubt

they're even the worst that I've seen

because I've seen some situations where

extremely avoidant exes can actually

still be one back now these are people

who ghost a long-term relationship just

to avoid even having a conversation and

actually just isn't aside here but if

your ex ghosted you uh please leave a

comment below and subscribe because I'm

working on a video on that topic right

now and on the other side of the

spectrum you know I also want to say

that just because your ex is avoiding

you doesn't mean that they Haven an

avoid an attachment style you know if

your ex never showed any of these signs

while you two were together and now

they're giving you the cold shoulder

that's really that's a different issue

and I've actually made a few videos on

what to do if your ex is ignoring you

that I'll link in the description below

for you to check out as well well but

just don't diagnose your ex as an

avoidant just because they've changed

since the breakout so as we go deeper

into what makes an avoidant you know try

to determine how bad your ex's avoidant

avoidance problem really is so here are

some of the the real signs of an

avoidant person first you know avoidant

value their own independence and so they

often has fewer social connections and

are less consistent with the people that

they do spend time with they sometimes

struggle to to make connections with

other people because of their tendency

to withdraw socially but that's not

always the case some avoidant are quite

good at friendship because it's less

intense than a romantic relationship you

know they don't feel as threatened

because they know their friends aren't

going to overwhelm them and ask for a

level of closeness that they really

don't want one thing that practically

all avoid and struggle with is conflict

so during fights they may Stonewall you

or give you the silent treatment and

this can obviously be extremely

difficult to deal with during during an

after a breakup as I'm sure you're

already aware and even if they don't

outright Stone you know they'll they'll

tend to avoid conflict by changing the

subject minimizing your feelings or even

just telling you what you want to hear

just to end the conversation and another

Hallmark of avoidance is that they'll

Run for the door at the first sign of

conflict or

commitment now hearing all this you may

think that avoidance don't want

closeness of intimacy with really any

other people you know they want to be

left alone and all you're doing is

providing them a momentary distraction

from the solitary life that they've

chosen they're just less lonely than

other people and they don't need as much

as you do but actually this is wrong you

know avoidance do want that closeness

and intimacy the same way that any other

person does or even more so and this is

what people get wrong about avoidance

you know they think that they're they're

all just loners who just don't need

others but they do want love and

affection but they just don't always

respond in the best way when they

actually experience it because it scares

them in in fact a lot of the time when

you feel like they don't care at all

because you know they're shutting you

out they're really sitting there furious

at themselves because they feel they

they can't connect with you they hate

that they run away and avoid things they

want to just hold you so badly but it's

like you know it's like there's a wall

that they just can't get over so don't

think that you're avoiding X is totally

over you chances are that they they do

miss you and they do still love you to

an extent they just don't know how to

show it the truth is that they feel

threatened by cless you know they lack

the emotional tools to deal with it and

so it feels overwhelming and and

destabilizing so just remember you know

they don't hate you they don't even

really want space the way that they seem

to it isn't their feelings that are

lacking it's their ability to follow

through and this is why I say that it's

actually easier to win back and avoid an

X than it is to win back somebody with a

secure or or anxious attachment style

most avoidance come back because you

know the reason that they left in the

first place is n about any real issue in

the relationship not not really now I'm

sure that they seem to have a good

reason at the time but what's really

happening is that they're making an

excuse just to get that distance from

you they think that they need that

distance to feel comfortable and safe

but when they get it you know they

realize that it's not what they wanted

at all and that's when they'll start to

miss you and eventually they'll come

sniffing around hoping for another

chance because their reason for the

breakup was a temporary heightened state

of emotion they were they were pushed

away by that closeness and now that

you're apart you know the reason that

you broke up is no longer relevant it's

kind of a paradox you know they left

because you got too close but now that

you're broken up you no longer have that

closeness so they don't have a reason to

stay away their major objection has has

really been removed from the equation

now they may think okay well I don't

want to get too close to them again but

I I do need intimacy and why would

things be any different with somebody

else now of course this is a huge Boon

for you if you want them back back you

know just a little distance will

convince them to give you another chance

a lot of the time anyways so does that

mean you just you know have to reach out

and talk to them and they'll be willing

to to pretend that none of this ever

happened well no unfortunately that's

almost never going to work remember they

are still avoidant and they're easily

overwhelmed so even though they want

that closeness you can't just you know

offer it up like that I know it it can

be totally frustrating but that's that's

just how it works if you come at them

too aggressively they'll run away again

because that's just the the pattern that

they're familiar with in

relationships so what should you do

instead to win them back well now that

you understand where this comes from

it's going to be much easier to cope

with and and forgive your ex for their

avoidant behavior and that is the first

step to to Breaking the pattern you know

you need to understand that it's not

personal and that it's not an attack on

you this is just how they deal with

difficult emotions now you do need to

think about your role in the pattern

here because really that's all you have

control over right now you know you

can't change your ex but by modifying

your own behavior and your expectations

you can create a relationship that

actually does work so think about all

the times that you you two dealt with

issues like this so let's take a a

specific example now maybe you wanted

them to meet your parents and they shut

that down immediately you felt hurt by

this rejection and they felt like they

were being you know pushed or

manipulated so how could you have

handled things differently well maybe

instead of asking them to meet your

parents Point Blank you could have

started by discussing the topic you know

more broadly so you could say something

like how do you feel about meeting one

another's families you know I'm not sure

if we're there yet but it's something

I'd like to do down the road and this

sort of you know puts the ball in their

Court you know this way they don't they

don't feel ambushed and you two are able

to discuss the idea in a more in a more

abstract way so if they say you know I'm

just not ready for that yet then it's

not going to feel like such a huge

rejection I think that you know planting

seeds like this can help you get the

relationship that you want without an

with an avoidant I should say without

actually scaring them off so instead of

waiting for them to to move things

forward and getting upset when they

don't plant some seeds and then let them

bloom now obviously this is the kind of

thing that's it's only going to be

relevant once you two are back together

and and moving in the right direction

but it's the kind of thing that you want

to be thinking about right now or you're

going to end up you know feeding into

the same problems now I know that this

is putting a lot of the onus on you for

your ex's behavior and that's that's not

to let them off the hook you know they

need to work work on themselves too but

you can't force them to make changes and

especially not while you're you're not

together so wait until you have

reconnected successfully to even have a

conversation about this and even if they

really you know push themselves to

develop better coping skills and better

communication skills chances are they're

not going to completely change their

attachment style so don't expect them to

be you know a brand new person once you

get back together you do need to ask

yourself if you can live with this and

still maintain your you know your your

peace and your happiness you need to

really ask yourself if if you'll be able

to stop yourself from continuing to the

cycle that's actually keeping you apart

right now and for right now you know one

of the best things that you can do is

reflect on your own behavior and how it

shaped the relationship and and the

breakup so how should you actually treat

your ex during this time well first as I

typically do I'm going to suggest that

you go you go for a period of no contact

for at least a period of time following

the breakup you this is pretty standard

practice but it's especially important

with an avoidant ex because remember you

know they need that space both to start

to miss you and to process the breakup

but also to get that that sense of

safety and Independence that they felt

was missing in the relationship now this

is going to go a long way to repairing

what's what's broken between you you

don't even need to do anything more than

that in many cases just getting some

space will make them realize that they

need you in their life and they'll

swallow their pride and come back to try

again but if they don't come running

back because you know they're stubborn

or afraid to open up or whatever it is

you know you're going to have to make

things make the first move to actually

get things started remember despite

their rough exterior they're actually

very sensitive people so you know act

accordingly and don't make don't make

any sudden movements basically just take

it very slowly and don't demand too much

of them right off the bat you know I

know that you're ready to jump back into

a relationship but they need to ease in

so that they can you know maintain their

independence and and not feel threatened

and this is really important at all

parts of the process from how you

approach them the first time after the

breakup all the way to to how you handle

your first few meetings and right up

until the point where you decide to get

back together and then again you know

onward into the early stages of the

actual new relationship now I know that

you may not used to be be used to

interacting with people in this way you

know if you're if you're an anxious

person you're used to connecting more

directly but if you can Master this you

know your X is going to warm up to you

and it'll make the whole process much

easier and remember you know this is

just the beginning with time this more

gentle approach will show your ex that

you're you're a safe person for them to

get close to and will ultimately help

you create an even closer relationship

than you thought possible so with that

in mind you know don't make demands of

them right off the bat if they're not

ready to see you don't push it just talk

have fun together and rebuild that

relationship rather than worrying about

the next steps and really you must give

them space during this process so don't

text too frequently and if they take a

little while to respond you know don't

worry remember that this doesn't mean

they're not interested it just means

that they're still feeling things out

and being cautious and the two of you

have different ways of handling

closeness it's really it's very

important to let them set the pace

during this process at least at first

you know you don't want to recreate the

conditions of your last relationship

sure you you may be able to get them to

agree to get back together but really

we're talking longterm here and if you

really want to maximize your chances of

getting your ex back I'd be happy to

help you I offer one-on-one coaching

through my coaching program

at

breakupbrad.com/coaching I'd love to

hear all about you know what you've been

through with your ex and then we can

work to put a plan together to rebuild

your specific relationship from the

ground up again that's

breakupbrad.com/coaching to see my

current availability and sign up today I

hope to hear from you

soon now as I've said this is all you

know this is a delicate process it's all

about showing a bit of interest and then

backing away you know it's kind of like

it's kind of like flirting you don't

want them to to know that you want them

100% you're trying to create that

tension that will keep them wanting more

and to do that you need to focus on

shifting your own perspective to better

connect with an avoidant you need to

address your own anxious Behavior and

the funny thing is that you know anxious

and avoidant couples are actually very

common for a simple reason avoidance

struggle to connect and anxious people

desperately want to connect so avoidance

will will put up walls and try to back

away and anxious people will blow right

through them and in the short term this

is flattering for the avoidants who

often feel like they're difficult to

love and it's flattering for the anxious

people because you know they've won over

somebody who's so independent but in the

long term it ends up really being

unsatisfying for both parties you know

the avoidant feels like they're being

rushed and overwhelmed you know it's

like they're being asked to do more than

they can handle and the anxious partner

feels as though they're they're not

being given enough love and always

having to ask for more which is

obviously not a very good feeling so we

want to break this cycle this time

around so you can have a more healthy

relationship and since you can't you

know change your ex you're going to have

to modify your behavior a bit and if

you've watched this far you're already

well on your way to making this happen

because you know you'll be able to see

this pattern at work when they pull away

you'll know not to chase after them of

course it is going to be hard sometimes

you know you'll need to do your best to

hold on to this perspective so look at

your life from a top down view remember

that this relationship isn't the only

thing that matters it's not your only

source of Happiness here and whenever

you you find yourself you know obsessing

over the relationship over what your ex

is thinking or feeling and you know you

get that clingy urge take a step back

and breathe you know this is the time to

turn to to other things that bring you

Joy in life your friends your family

your hobbies I know it it feels

counterintuitive but this will actually

bring you together in the long run one

thing that triggers an avoidant partner

is feeling like

they're the other person's soulle Focus

if you can show them that you're

independent and secure in your life

they're going to be more attracted to

you than ever because they won't feel

pressured and when you do see or talk to

your ex resist the urge to talk about

the relationship about or the breakup or

you know what they're looking for who

they're dating really anything like that

I know you know you want to know but

answering these questions is not worth

pushing them away your time is much

better spent just chatting laughing and

and reconnecting

and that's why I say to to live in the

moment when you're with the ex you know

you can't change the past and you don't

want to get caught up in what the future

holds and and and actually miss out on

the present now here's another important

thing to remember you know don't take

their behavior personally remember that

this is how they deal with everyone in a

relationship it doesn't mean that they

don't like you or don't love you or want

you it's just the fact that they

struggle to connect that's keeping them

away so don't go you know wow I haven't

talked to them in a few days or you know

they're being so quiet they must be over

me I should call them and see them

what's wrong see what's wrong try to

remember that this is it's just a quirk

of their attachment style and if you

give them a little space they're a lot

more likely to come back to you now

there is another common pattern here

that I want to warn you about when it

comes to avoid an ex's and it's that

they'll often start things up again

while also trying to keep you at a

distance in the long term so you know

say the two of you will start sleeping

together and hanging out every couple of

weeks but never get beyond that point or

maybe you'll be you know just friends or

you might even get stuck in the in the

talking stage and you'll think you know

well this is nice but why aren't we

moving forward you know I want a partner

not a pen pal so what's going on well

what's happening here is that your

avoidant ex is giving into their

avoidant behaviors and keeping you at a

distance to to maintain their own sense

of self they saw what happened last time

the two of you got together and it

scared the hell out of them so they're

refusing to put themselves in that

situation again but at the same time you

know they want you and they care about

you they really don't want to lose you

and really they don't want this this

weird half relationship either they just

they feel it's too risky so again don't

rush your ex you know if this has been

going on for a few weeks or even a month

or two this might you know just be a

slow start but if it's been any longer

than that then things have definitely

you know plateaued and you're going to

need to take action so if your ex is

treating you this way you need to make

your expectations clear and resist their

desire to make this normal so if they

say you know I just want to be friends

or I'm so happy with how things are

right now then don't share their

enthusiasm you know make it clear that

you need more from them or you're not

going to stick around I know that a lot

of people struggle with this you know

with being this direct and in that case

you know you may want to use actions

rather than words so you know make them

jealous through social media or you know

by going on a few dates and at the same

time you know don't lap up any crumbs of

attention that they throw your way so

don't respond to late night booty call

texts and don't be their backup plan

when it comes to you know making weekend

plans basically you know hold them to a

higher standard and if they're going to

reach it and they're going to have to

reach it if they really want you in

their life all right thanks for watching

all the way to the end um if you're

dealing with an avoidant X and you have

any questions or comments please leave

them in the comments below I love

hearing from all of you and while you're

at it of course please like this video

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week I'm breakup Brad and I'll see you

in my next video bye for now