Why Crushes are So Painful

Summary

This script explores the philosophy of crushes, a mix of love, lust, and limerance, focusing on their irrational and emotional impact. It delves into how imagination and crystallization—idealizing someone based on limited information—fuel crushes. The script also examines the egoistic side of romance, the pain of unrequited affection, and the role of hope and doubt in intensifying feelings. It discusses the potential for vanity in seeking love for self-affirmation and the dangers of using others for egoistic satisfaction. Finally, it ponders whether the emotional turbulence of crushes is a natural part of human experience to be embraced or subdued for inner peace.

Takeaways

• 💡 Love and crushes can make even the most rational people behave irrationally due to their emotional and imaginative impact.
• 🧠 Stendhal's concept of 'crystallization' explains how we idealize someone based on limited information, leading to infatuation.
• 🎭 The power of imagination plays a significant role in the development of crushes, as it fills in the gaps about a person with idealized qualities.
• 🌟 Crushes are often on people with whom we have a balance of familiarity and mystery, allowing the imagination to create a fantasy.
• 🔍 The mix of hope and doubt about a crush's reciprocation of feelings can intensify the emotional attachment and obsession.
• 🎭 The emotional rollercoaster of a crush can make everyday life seem dull in comparison, highlighting the intensity of the emotional experience.
• 😢 The pain of a crush comes from the uncertainty and the potential for unrequited feelings, which can lead to emotional turmoil.
• 🤔 Stendhal explores how crushes can be driven by vanity or ego, where the desire for another's affection is tied to self-image and self-worth.
• 🚫 He also discusses the darker side of vanity in love, likening it to the Don Juan archetype, where individuals use others for personal gain without genuine affection.
• 🤝 Stendhal's philosophy on love suggests that passion, while it can cause pain, is a natural and valuable part of the human experience that should be understood and perhaps embraced.

Q & A

What does the script suggest about the nature of love and crushes?

The script suggests that love and crushes can be irrational and chaotic, even for the most reasonable people. It discusses how crushes are a mix of love, lust, and limerance, and can lead to both passionate feelings and emotional pain.

What is the role of imagination in the development of a crush according to the script?

Imagination plays a crucial role in the development of a crush by allowing individuals to fantasize and idealize someone they are attracted to, often exaggerating their positive qualities and creating an idealized image that may not align with reality.

What is 'crystallization' as described in the script?

Crystallization is the process by which individuals slowly idolize someone until they become completely infatuated with them, often based on limited information and a lot of imaginative extrapolation.

How does the script relate the concept of 'crystallization' to Shakespeare's Othello?

The script uses Othello as an example of crystallization, where Desdemona becomes infatuated with Othello based on his adventurous tales, which she imagines and idealizes, leading to her passion for him.

What does the script say about the relationship between crushes and rationality?

The script posits that crushes can hijack rationality, as the process of crystallization leads individuals to exaggerate the positive qualities of the object of their affection, sometimes creating a caricature that is detached from the actual person.

What role does the element of mystery play in the formation of crushes, according to the script?

Mystery is essential in the formation of crushes as it provides enough distance for the imagination to create an idealized image, which is often more attractive than the reality.

How does the script explain the emotional rollercoaster associated with crushes?

The script explains that the emotional rollercoaster of crushes is due to the interplay between hope and doubt, where the desire for reciprocation is mixed with the fear of rejection, leading to intense attachment and emotional upheaval.

What does the script suggest about the potential downsides of crushes?

The script suggests that crushes can lead to severe disappointment if the idealized image is shattered, and they can also cause emotional distress due to the constant oscillation between hope and frustration.

How does the script connect crushes to the concept of 'vain love'?

The script connects crushes to 'vain love' by suggesting that sometimes individuals develop feelings for others not because of their qualities but because of what their affection would say about the individual's self-worth and ego.

What philosophical perspectives does the script contrast with the idea of passionate affection?

The script contrasts the idea of passionate affection with Stoic philosophy, which values mental peace and calm indifference, suggesting that passion can be both a source of joy and despair, and it's up to individuals to decide whether they want to embrace or limit it.

What is the script's final stance on the value of crushes and passionate love?

The script concludes that while crushes and passionate love can be painful and irrational, they are also a natural and meaningful part of human experience. It encourages viewing passion as a force that can be embraced or managed, acknowledging both its potential benefits and drawbacks.

Outlines

00:00

💘 The Nature of Crushes and Their Impact on Rationality

This paragraph explores the irrationality that comes with having a crush, a common experience that can turn even the most rational individuals into emotional and chaotic beings. It introduces the concept of 'crystallization' from Stendhal's work, which describes the process of idealizing someone until one becomes infatuated. The paragraph discusses how our imagination plays a significant role in this process, allowing us to create an idealized image of the crush that may not align with reality. It also touches on the philosophical and emotional implications of crushes, setting the stage for a deeper exploration of their causes and effects.

05:01

🌌 The Role of Imagination in the Formation of Crushes

The second paragraph delves into how our imagination contributes to the development of crushes. It discusses the human ability to fantasize from a young age and how this faculty aids in survival by visualizing possible outcomes. This imaginative power is also crucial in the early stages of passionate love. The paragraph uses examples like Shakespeare's Othello to illustrate how stories and imagination can lead to the crystallization of an idealized image of a person, which can intensify feelings of love. It also mentions how the unknown aspects of a potential partner can fuel the imagination and lead to a crush, emphasizing the importance of the right balance between familiarity and mystery.

10:02

🔥 The Intensity of Crushes and the Role of Doubt

Paragraph three examines the intensity of crushes and the emotional rollercoaster they can cause. It introduces the concept of 'second crystallization' as described by Stendhal, which involves the mixture of hope and fear that solidifies romantic feelings. The paragraph discusses how the uncertainty of a crush's reciprocation can heighten the attachment and affection one feels. It also touches on the potential for disappointment and the obsessive nature of crushes, where the idealized image of the beloved can dominate one's thoughts. The paragraph concludes by acknowledging the variability in the intensity of crushes and the role of age and experience in managing them.

15:04

🤔 The Egoistic Side of Crushes and the Pursuit of Validation

In this paragraph, the discussion shifts towards the egoistic aspects of crushes, where the affection sought may be driven by a desire for validation and self-image enhancement rather than genuine love. It references Stendhal's concept of 'vain love' and explores how crushes can be influenced by the need for external affirmation. The paragraph also cites psychological theories that suggest our unconscious motivations for seeking love are tied to our self-concept. It discusses the potential for vanity to masquerade as passion, leading to crushes that are more about self-love than the beloved. The paragraph concludes by highlighting the complexity of love and the blurred lines between genuine affection and ego-driven desires.

20:05

🚫 The Dangers of Using Others for Emotional Gain

Paragraph five addresses the darker side of relationships where individuals may use others for emotional or material gain without forming genuine connections. It references the archetype of Don Juan, a figure who pursues love purely for the sake of conquest and validation. The paragraph discusses the ethical implications of such behavior, suggesting that it can lead to cruelty and a lack of genuine human connection. It also warns against falling into such patterns, emphasizing the importance of self-awareness and the potential long-term consequences of using others. The paragraph concludes by encouraging a reflective approach to love and affection, advocating for genuine connection over manipulation.

25:06

🧘‍♂️ Balancing Passion and Stoicism in Love and Relationships

The final paragraph discusses the philosophical implications of passionate love and the need to balance it with stoicism. It contrasts the emotional highs and lows of passionate affection with the calm indifference advocated by Stoic philosophy. The paragraph explores the idea that while passion can disrupt inner peace, it also enriches life with meaning and intensity. It references Friedrich Nietzsche's critique of Stoicism and his advocacy for embracing passion and suffering as part of a fulfilling life. The paragraph concludes by suggesting that crushes and passionate love offer an opportunity to explore the value of emotional amplitude and the trade-offs between passion and calm in our lives.

Keywords

💡Crush

A 'crush' refers to a strong but temporary infatuation or admiration for someone, typically characterized by an intense but short-lived passion. In the video, crushes are described as a common experience, especially among young people, and are explored for their philosophical interest. The script discusses how crushes can lead to irrational behavior and emotional turmoil, using the example of how people with crushes can become 'chaotic, over anxious messes' despite being rational in other aspects of life.

💡Crystallization

Crystallization, as used in the video, is the process by which individuals idealize someone they are attracted to, often based on limited information and enhanced by their imagination. It is a key concept in understanding how crushes form, as it involves creating an idealized image of the object of affection that may not align with reality. The script illustrates this with the example of Desdemona's infatuation with Othello, where her imagination, fueled by his stories, 'crystallized' an idealized image of him.

💡Imagination

Imagination is the faculty by which people form mental images or concepts of things not present to the senses. In the context of the video, imagination plays a crucial role in the development of crushes, as it allows individuals to create idealized versions of people they are attracted to. The script discusses how the imagination can 'roam freely,' leading to the creation of a 'fantastical image' that can overshadow the real person.

💡Limerence

Limerence is a term used to describe the state of being infatuated or obsessed with another person, often to the point of emotional dependence. The video touches on this concept as part of the 'peculiar mix of love, lust, and limerence' that characterizes crushes. It is mentioned as one of the elements that make up the complex emotional state of having a crush.

💡Rationality

Rationality refers to the quality of having reason or understanding as the basis for one's actions or beliefs. The video discusses how crushes can disrupt rationality, as even the most reasonable individuals can become irrational when experiencing intense emotions associated with a crush. The script contrasts rational behavior with the 'chaotic, over anxious messes' that people can become when they have a crush.

💡Fantasy

Fantasy in this context refers to the creation of imaginary scenarios or narratives, often involving the object of one's affection. The video script describes how individuals with crushes engage in fantasy, imagining scenarios and qualities about the person they have a crush on that may not be grounded in reality. This is exemplified by the script's discussion of how people can turn mundane objects into symbols of their love interest, like 'turning their Lover's hair comb into a tiara.'

💡Egoistic Side of Romance

The 'egoistic side of romance' refers to the self-centered motivations that can underlie romantic feelings, such as seeking validation or affirmation from another person's affection. The video explores how crushes can be driven by a desire for self-affirmation rather than genuine affection for the other person. The script mentions 'vain love' as a type of love where the affection is sought for what it reflects back on oneself, rather than for the beloved's qualities.

💡Hope and Doubt

Hope and doubt are emotional states that play a significant role in the experience of a crush. The video discusses how the interplay between hope that the crush is reciprocated and doubt that it is not can intensify the feelings of infatuation. The script describes this as 'the correct mixture of hope and fear' that 'solidifies our romantic feelings,' using the example of how the uncertainty can make the object of affection seem more desirable.

💡Emotional Roller Coaster

An 'emotional roller coaster' is a metaphor for the intense and fluctuating emotions experienced during a crush. The video script uses this term to describe the ups and downs of hope and frustration that individuals with crushes often go through. It is illustrated by the script's discussion of how people can oscillate between 'investigating' for signs of affection and experiencing 'misery' when they believe there is no chance of reciprocation.

💡Love Bombing

Love bombing is a term used to describe the act of showering someone with excessive affection with the intent of creating a strong emotional bond, often followed by a withdrawal of that affection. The video script mentions this concept to explain the distress caused when the intense affection initially felt during a crush is suddenly withdrawn, leaving the person feeling a sense of loss and desperation. The script refers to this as an 'extreme and unhealthy version' of the emotional dynamics that can occur in a crush.

💡Passion

Passion in this context refers to intense and powerful emotions or desires, particularly in relation to romantic love. The video discusses the role of passion in creating both the joy and the pain associated with crushes. The script contrasts passion with calm indifference, suggesting that while passion can lead to emotional turmoil, it is also a 'brilliant and dangerous force' that can enrich the human experience. The video concludes by suggesting that passion, including that experienced in crushes, is a trade-off between emotional amplitude and calm.

Highlights

Love is compared to a fever, affecting us independently of our will.

Crushes are a mix of love, lust, and limerance, and are prevalent among young people.

Crushes can make even the most rational people behave irrationally.

Stendhal's work on love is used to explore the philosophy of crushes.

Crystallization is the process of idealizing someone until we are infatuated with them.

Imagination plays a vital role in the early stages of passionate love.

Crushes often involve extrapolating qualities from limited information about a person.

The pain of crushes comes from the tension between hope and doubt.

Crushes can lead to obsession due to the power of our imagination.

The fear of loss and the hope of reciprocation can intensify romantic feelings.

Crushes can be a state of oscillating between hope and frustration.

The end of a crush can bring relief but also a sense of emptiness.

Love bombing is a manipulative tactic that exploits the dynamics of hope and doubt.

Vain love is seeking affection for the sake of one's own ego or self-image.

Crushes can be driven by a desire to be desired, reflecting an ideal version of oneself.

Don Juan archetype represents using others for personal gain without genuine affection.

Stendhal argues that passionate love, including crushes, is a natural part of human experience.

Crushes can be seen as foolish or as a valuable part of the human emotional experience.

Stendhal's philosophy suggests embracing the passionate aspects of love, including crushes.

Transcripts

love is like a fever which comes and

goes quite independently of the will

most of us tend to flatter ourselves

that we are somewhat rational people we

take account of the evidence form

opinions based on sound reasoning and

come to careful conclusions that stand

up to stringent scrutiny however there

is one situation which will turn even

the most reasonable of us into chaotic

over anxious messes and what is more

this is not an intense trauma or a

horrible Misfortune but instead a

perfectly normal event having a crush

especially prevalent amongst young

people a crush is one of the most

philosophically interesting mental

States A peculiar mix of love lust and

limerance most of us have had them and

most of us have done incredibly

embarrassing things in their service and

yet at the same time we rarely

investigate why crushes can have such a

hold of us why they can make us behave

so irrationally and most importantly why

they hurt and this unique mix of passion

and pain was investigated with intense

Verve by stal in his work on love so we

will be drawing on his thoughts as well

as many others to put together a loose

philosophy of the crush get ready to

learn the egoistic side of romance how

you can fall in love with an imaginative

image and why losing a crush is both

freeing and deeply unsettling now this

is a pretty personal topic so if you do

not relate to these observations then

that is absolutely fine as with almost

all of my videos I largely intend this

to be a springboard for your own

thinking so let's begin by looking at

the primary method by which stendal

thinks we develop a crush and how it is

intimately related to the imagination

one crystallization and fantasy one of

the fascinating things about us humans

is we are truly amazing at fantasizing

from a very young age we can engage in

imaginative play where we construct

these little worlds either alone or with

friends for us to enjoy and explore some

biologists have argued that the

imagination is a phenomenal tool for

survival it allows us to picture the

possible outcomes of a whole range of

situations and thus plan a course of

action in an awful lot of detail far

more so than if we did not have the

ability to fantasize or imagine separate

from any evolutionary Advantage this has

also allowed us to craft great works of

literature philosophy and art also

according to stal it is a vital

component in the early stages of

passionate love the key idea that forms

the basis of staal's analysis of falling

in love is crystallization he uses this

term pretty broadly but essentially it

is the process by which we slowly

idolize someone until we are completely

infatuated with them even in cases where

we may not have that much reason to be

take Shakespeare's othell for example in

the opening act othell articulates how

he won desdemona's heart and she very

much agrees with his account the general

would regil her with Tales of his

adventures how he he had gone into

mortal danger and seen all of these

wonderful things he told her of his

feelings and his memories and all of

this gave her a picture of aell as The

Dashing hero he was at this point

desdemona's imagination took over

although orello undoubtedly seemed Brave

and kind at the same time she was

seduced by the stories he told her and

how she carried these away with her mind

she crystallized an idea of aell that

was far beyond what she had directly

experienced or had evidence existed and

this cemented her passion for him to the

point where she would willingly follow

him to war the poet John Keats Wily

summed up this idea when he accused

young people of turning their Lover's

hair comb into a tiara and their

wellingtons into Romeo's Boots the

structure here is pretty straightforward

we meet someone learn a few things about

them and then we extrapolate a whole

host of other qualities from that which

may or may not be true but that do serve

to heighten the object of our affections

stal thinks this is a major component of

the early stages of love and it also

goes some way to explaining how our

rationality can become hijacked when we

meet someone we find attractive through

this crystallization process we start to

exaggerate their positive qualities

until they almost become a sort of

caricature of themselves if we take it

too far in some ways this is not

necessarily A Bad Thing hell sometimes

our crystallizations will even give us

an accurate picture of our beloved if it

just so happens that they really are

that exceptional but at the same time

time stal points out that this process

is in a real sense detached from the

object of our affections as they

actually exist it could be that our

imaginative guesses are correct but it

could also be that we are filling in the

gaps of our knowledge with whatever

brilliant qualities we can think of and

that as a result we are more in love

with the idea of someone than with the

person themselves we can think of this a

little bit like picking possibilities

the less you know about someone the more

potential positive attributes they could

have and until you've had an extended

conversation with someone for all you

know they could be clever and Charming

until you have slept with them they

might be the best person in the world in

bed until you have seen someone in an

extremely stressful situation then you

can believe that they are impossibly

strong calm and wise as beus once said

if someone keeps their mouth shut we

might think them a philosopher crushes

are excellent for this because most of

the time these are people we have not

experienced in a romantic context even

if you had a crush on a close friend you

do not know what they would be like in a

relationship with you so it is easy to

imagine that you would be perfect for

one another then this Fantastical image

can roam freely in your head leaving the

real situation firmly in the dust in

some ways this is what distinguishes a

crush from Simply the first stages of a

relationship a crush is merely a

possible relationship before it becomes

actual the stereotypical settings for

crushes also maintain a perfect balance

between familiarity and distance people

tend to get crushes on someone they work

with or someone from their school or

university either way you see them very

often but not often enough that they are

not still full of mystery for some

people they might only need a little

mystery for others it might be quite a

lot but the point is there is enough

distance for the imagination to worm its

way in and start its crystallizing magic

and of course if you're genuinely

convinced that the possibility of being

with the perfect person is on the table

then it makes sense for it to occupy a

large portion of your mind if an all-

knowing god showed up on your doorstep

tomorrow introduce you to someone and

told you that this person would make you

happy for the rest of your life then

your other priorities would

understandably slip down the hierarchy

for stal so powerfully does our

imagination work that we start to

believe that our crystallized lover

genuinely exists and then our psyche

understandably dwells on them sometimes

to the point of obsession sadly this can

also lead to severe disappointment

should the ideal image be suddenly

shattered stal thinks that this can get

really quite extreme in a particularly

romantic mood almost everything might

remind you of your beloved from seeing a

certain book that you think they might

enjoy to watching something only to

imagine how much better it would be if

they were there once you are in the

realm of fantasy the possibilities are

endless and you can turn everything and

its opposite towards your growing

romantic Endeavor of course not everyone

will get this feeling to the same extent

I think as we get older we become more

used to keeping our feet firmly planted

on the ground when it comes to

crystallization but I do still think

stal is really onto something here it is

an observation that has been made by

numerous other thinkers as well from the

lovers idealizing one another in

Mozart's kif fanute to the idolization

of Juliet as the son by the Young Romeo

the infatuation of passion has formed

the basis for so much effect of comedy

and tragedy because we often recognize

it in the behaviors of the people around

us and in ourselves but that may explain

the strength of feeling that can occur

with a crush what about the sort of

Agony it can become funnily enough here

ston Dal Taps into a common theme

amongst thinkers about love and explores

the tension between two familiar

romantic qualities if you want to help

me make more videos like this then

please consider subscribing to my

patreon for exclusive content the link

is in the description two Love's labors

lost and won in almost every Romance

Story the tension is whether or not the

lovers will end up together from Romeo

and Juliet to Twilight for the majority

of the plot the protagonists are kept in

a dance of never quite living happily

ever after while being tantalizingly

close to that goal until either they

face a happy ending or a tragic demise

after the final resolution the story

tends to wrap up pretty quickly because

the thing keeping us glued to the action

has fallen away and if you believe

psychologists like Esther Perell this

makes perfect sense from her years of

experience as a couple's therapist she

identifies that intense desire in

relationships is found when we see our

partner as in some sense separate from

ourselves and in some small way not

guaranteed to stay by this she does not

recommend keeping relationships in a

state of insecurity but rather that

couples should maintain some degree of

separateness in their lives and interest

to preserve a sense of the other that

their partner can continually discover

about them for perel it is partly the

thrill of discovery that creates and

maintains erotic tension funnily enough

this is particularly prevalent in

Romance literature from Lady chat's

lover to many of the more recent Romany

books there is a strong emphasis placed

on the female lead's continual discovery

of more and more aspects of their

Lover's character and Perell is not the

first person to point this out stal

brings this idea into full Focus

specifically in the early stages of

romance so let's say that the

crystallization process is full swing

and we are pretty enamored with the idea

of our beloved for stal what cements

this is the addition of doubt he

observes that it is the correct mixture

of hope that the object of our

affections will feel the same way about

us coupled with the fear that they will

not that solidifies our romantic

feelings at least in some situations and

especially with short-term infatuation

this is what he calls the second

crystallization and it is when the

desirability of our beloved is firmly

fixed in our minds because we start to

view them as someone who could share our

feelings but could also disregard them

mixed with the human tendency to desire

what we may not be able to have stal

thinks this is the perfect recipe for

breeding more attachment and thus

strengthening affection in dov's the

brothers karamazov Mia's love for

grushenka is inflamed not just by the

attractiveness of her personal qualities

or her appearance but also by the fact

that she is always just out of his grasp

stal himself tells a number of where

people are carried away by their own

hopes while at the same time becoming

inflamed by their doubts he talks of

someone whose beloved barred them from

seeing her except for once a fortnite

and how this slowly drove him out of his

mind the distance and fear of loss meant

that he placed her value even higher

while at the same time the slim hope of

winning her over through those

fortnightly meetings kept him hooked

that was the ratio of doubt and hope

that tapped into his particular mind in

just the right way for other people it

may be different stal is pretty clear

about the individual variance at play

though he also says it often takes

surprisingly little hope to keep us

enamored with someone we have no chance

of being with of course this also goes

some way to explaining the particular

pain that often comes with crushes by

its very nature a crush is someone you

desire but do not know if they desire

you back but this makes it a state that

is very prone to oscillating between

hope and frustration stal points out it

can turn us into investig gors we search

for Omens about what our beloved thinks

of us and rejoice when we think we found

evidence of their love on the other hand

we are plunged into varying levels of

misery when we think there is no chance

we will ever be together again people

can experience this to greater or lesser

degrees for many of us the range of this

oscillation will narrow as we get older

but both I and stal know many adults who

will easily let this cycle occupy almost

all of their minds and this does make a

certain sort of sense the intense

emotional roller coaster going on here

renders the rest of the world rather

drab by comparison I've seen many online

Express that their life is very

stressful when they have a crush but

when they do not they actually feel

pretty bored and this is something stal

explains incredibly well he observes

that when such a strong desire is

finally let go there is a mixture of

relief but also a slight emptiness our

will has been raging its way through our

psyche only for it to just stop this

understandably leaves a vacuum in its

wake one that temporarily may have us

feeling a little bar it is a much

smaller and more circumspect version of

the feeling that one might have when

they lose Faith with their God or become

disillusioned with their career star's

observations also help shed light on

quite an unsavory Dynamic that can

emerge in budding relationships the term

love bombing has been used in recent

years to refer to someone showering

their beloved with disproportionate

affection in order to engorge their

hopes of a kind and loving relationship

but then withdrawing that ramantic

attention leaving the other person to

beg for it back piece by piece star's

analysis partly explains why this is so

distressing the inflated affection at

the beginning means someone could

survive for months or even years without

the light of their hope entirely going

out then no matter how fearful or

anxious or neglected they feel they can

still cling to the idea of the

relationship that held at the very start

they are kept right on the edge of

Despair for the entire courtship and it

is no wonder that this would hurt them

deeply stal would say that this is an

extreme and unhealthy version of a

pretty common thing that we often do to

ourselves it's certainly worth

reflecting on especially when we are

driving ourselves crazy thinking about a

crush we may just be puppets dancing to

the carefully crafted strings of Hope

and doubt this also coheres nicely with

another observation Esther Perell made

on infidelity when someone leaves their

partner for their Affair partner it

often does not work out in perel's view

this is because the reason they found

their Affair partner so alluring was

that they existed in this intersection

between anxiety and hope and when they

were no longer fit for this role they

too were discarded and outside this

context in our own mini infatuations we

might ask to what extent we are

genuinely enamored with this person and

where have we simply become addicted to

the emotional highs and lows of this

cycle obviously the answer will be

different for every situation and on

that note we shall now move move on to

examining some of the less innocent

aspects of a crush how sometimes we seek

the affection of another entirely for

the purposes of our own ego three

identity vanity and ego at the beginning

of his work stal distinguishes between

four different types of Love there is

courtly love a sort of formal game

physical love which is purely aimed at

sex passionate love which is the kind of

honest agulation we have been looking at

thus far and vain love it is this last

sort of love that I want to examine for

this section because it brings to light

a pretty common cause behind a crush yet

one we often try to ignore by vain love

stal is referring to our tendency to

develop feelings for another person not

because of who they are or their

personal qualities but because of what

their affection would say about us for

instance say that you like me grew up as

a slightly awkward looking and gangly

teenager who often felt pretty

unattractive then when you're older you

might seek the affections of other

people because you feel like you require

it as evidence that you're not some kind

of hideous creature but instead both

acceptable and lovable the psychoanalyst

James fosher talks about a patient

Natalie and how she grew up facing an

awful lot of rejection from her attempts

to love others this came out notably in

her father who would often ignore her

Valiant efforts to connect fosh Hara

then describes how Natalie resiliently

kept searching for love in its various

forms perhaps most centrally in the form

of affirmation that she was a worthy

lovable person this is because for fosh

haa our searches for love are intimately

connected with our own self-concept and

often a driving force behind seeking

another's affection is our ego a similar

idea is explored by Copus 55 in his own

video on crushes which I will link in

the description he references the work

of jacqu laan Lan said that for many

people their primary want in love is to

be desired themselves they seek for an

ideal version of their self to be

reflected accepted and affirmed in the

eyes of someone they think of as

admirable that is they love what being

loved by this person would tell them

about themselves stal artfully points

out that in many cases we may not be

aware that this is the motive behind our

infatuation saying that vanity will

pretend to be passion and that it will

do this so well it may fool even us this

makes quite a lot of sense if we lend

Credence to these psychological theories

set out by fosh haa and Lar it is not

that we set out to use someone to

enhance our own image but rather that we

think we are ardently Desiring them but

the unconscious motivation behind this

desire is to achieve this further

egoistic aim it is worth noting stal

does not condemn anyone for this he just

says it is one of the things that we

tend to label as love rightly or wrongly

in practice the division between vain

love and true passion is likely to be

pretty blurred obviously if you hold

great passion for someone then that

person loving you is going to have a

positive effect on your self-image

regardless of what the original

motivation for the affection was part of

the reason why stal felt the need to

write a tone on love is because our

reasons that we adore someone are often

pretty unclear to us you might even try

to list all of the reasons that you are

fond of your beloved but at the same

time it seems like there is an ineffable

something that is left unarticulated to

build on stal it is perhaps more useful

to think of passion and this sort of

unmalicious vanity as two motivations

found in an awful lot of affection with

the mixture different for every

individual person and in each individual

case but this again can help explain why

a crush can become so painful sometimes

it is not just our feelings but our very

self-image that is on the line there is

another kind of vain love stal touches

upon towards the end of his book and

that is the archetype of Don Juan this

is a person who is purely instrumental

in their pursuit of others it does not

even seem to say that they love their

beloved because they are consciously

using them just as a means to an end

they are far more interested in the

quantity of lovers than in the actual

connection they Forge with them because

they are forever keeping people at an

emotional distance stal here is clearly

alluding to the image of the male

Fandera but there is no reason why this

would have to be gendered or even

limited to sex the person who

consciously keeps someone around because

they feed off their validation or their

material wealth will be just as much in

the spirit of using someone while

keeping keeping them at an emotional

distance the key distinguishing feature

is that they are so possessed with

self-love that they fail to see the harm

they cause and see none but themselves

as capable of Joy or suffering I like

stow's Point here for two reasons the

first is that we should probably beware

of embodying Don Juan ourselves

something observed by many of the

greatest ethical thinkers in history

from Aristotle to CS Lewis to Hannah

arent is that the road to becoming cruel

is very long and has only a slight

decline we may not begin by wishing to

use someone in this way but slowly over

time we fall into a habit and then that

becomes a character trait and before we

know it we have caused another person

real harm without setting out to do

anything of the sort importantly stal

thinks that falling into this

instrumental attitude will bar us off

from any long-term happiness in Romance

because by keeping everyone at a

distance we ensure that we will never

form a genuine close connection with any

one either but secondly it highlights

the importance of taking care who we

fall for as we said in the previous

section often doubts about someone's

affections have the effect of making us

Pine after them even more but this can

become a very dangerous Dynamic if like

a Don Juan they are consciously trying

to provoke this reaction in order to

better have us under their thumb they

might face the consequences of this

approach in the long term but in the

short term we will suffer intensely when

it comes to affection the stakes are

ultimately extraordinarily High because

in the right hands a budding Crush can

be gently nursed into an obsession or

while they have no intention of either

reciprocating our feelings or putting us

out of our misery and revealing that

they do not feel the same way of course

this only holds in the case of outright

malice which I would hope to be pretty

rare but finally I want to compare

star's approach to some other

philosophies and play Devil's Advocate

to the idea that crushes are inherently

Foolish Four dignifying the crush when

we think of what a crush is we tend to

imagine something very infantile we

dismiss it as the stuff of school

playgrounds and Adolescent Daydreams not

fit for the dignified business of adult

life sure we once had crushes but then

we put away childish things and now see

them as only fit for the immature as

franois delos Fuko once observed loving

often takes on such an importance that

we feel it is almost embarrassing in

hindsight and we sometimes do our best

to hide or condemn our previous

infatuations in order to restore our

sense of dignity and perhaps this is

only right after all various schools of

philosophy have aimed at a kind of

mental peace that passionate affection

will disrupt Zeno of citium the founder

of stoicism identified desire as a

negative State because it will disturb

the natural calm that he called joy and

this was echoed by later authors like

epicus and Marx arelius who had warn

against letting the slings and arrows of

external life affect our internal States

schopenhauer argued that the only hope

we have for escaping these cycles of

unhappiness that pervade life is to

gradually reign in our own desires until

we become natural Aesthetics and the

thing about passionate affection is that

it tends to smash our inner calm to

Pieces by its nature as a strong and

emotionally invested desire it seizes

our minds by the Scruff of the neck and

forces us to Care an awful lot about

something entirely out of our hands

whether a given person shares our

feelings about them essentially what

these philosophers quite rightly point

out is that passion increases the

emotional amplitude of Our Lives for

instance a familiar pattern in a crush

is that we become Overjoyed at Hope and

despair at doubt but either way calm

indifference is left pretty much in the

dust but it's worth asking is there some

philosophical value in this more

impassioned approach as well a famous

critic of stoicism was friederick ner

who pointed out that the stoic

philosophy sacrificed the extreme highs

of life in order to also avoid the

extreme lows he proposed a radically

different alternative one that places a

far higher value on the passionate and

instinctive sides of our Natures nature

does not want us to be led fully by our

passions but he worries that the stoic

approach can be used to dull our

emotional sides rather than learning to

harness and direct them in thus spake

zarathustra one of the characteristics

of his Uber mench is that they rejoice

in their own suffering rather than

setting out to limit the variance of

their emotional state stes they lend

their pain meaning and thereby make it

not only bearable but something to be

celebrated this is a sort of difficult

and rather extreme concept to get your

head round but an everyday example of

the same idea might be the parent who

not only willingly sacrifices their own

mental state for their children but

positively celebrates doing so we might

also think of Camu absurd man who does

not so much run away from their feelings

but uses them as a self-justifying

reason to continue living in spite of

the absurdity of life in the myth of

Copus he describes those who are

overcome with a natural passion for

existence such that they do not hope for

some objective meaning to the universe

and yet they live unrepentantly and

fully embracing both their Despair and

their Joy with equal enthusiasm in some

ways these two approaches form

contrasting elements in a philosophy of

life that we can choose to balance the

extent to which we become stoic in this

sense of the word will also be the

extent that we limit our emotional

amplitude and value calm over passion

and vice versa the thing about crushes

and instinctive affection more generally

is that if we cannot stop them outright

they give us some reason for exploring

the alternative Approach at least in

this area another of star's observations

is that it is just not that easy to

dislodge romantic passion once it takes

hold as he puts it the very idea of

ceasing to love is absurd when your

convictions are confirmed Moment by

moment until the passing months make

love a habit and in such a situation it

is easy to become embarrassed we have a

tendency to prize being calm and

collected and to gently demonize being

out of control in any way but there are

times when it is genuinely difficult to

get a handle on our feelings with

passionate affection being such a

classic example and for these situations

we may require a philosophy that can

teach us how to embrace and lend dignity

to this feeling throughout the whole

book stal attempts to do this he does

not mock us for our passions but instead

reassures us that they are perfectly

normal and in some cases can even

increase our Joy at the same time he

does not shy away from the downsides of

passion and acknowledges that they can

cause intense pain he does this without

condemning us but instead looking at us

with clear eyes he reminds us that for

many people this is a part of being

human and an incredibly meaningful

component of it at that he does not join

in the mocking cries that such passion

is inherently idiotic but rather

recognizes the irrational aspects of the

human mind and even go so far as to

appreciate them after all such

irrationalism in this sphere has done an

excellent job at ensuring our species

has survived to the present day I really

enjoy St dal's book because he presents

an idea of passionate affection that

does not glorify it by ignoring all of

its negative aspects and turning it into

something it's not but rather affirms

the potential value and desirability of

human passion while recognizing it as a

trade-off the more passion we allow into

our lives the less calm we will have for

stal this is not necessarily A Fool

foolish choice to make but one we can

affirm or deny with our eyes open and a

clear idea of its benefits and its

drawbacks in short for stal a crush

hurts because its necessary components

facilitate both the heights of joy and

the depths of Despair and it is up to us

to decide whether we are happy with this

deal or whether we would rather trade in

some of our passion for a touch more

calm the balance will be highly

individual but recognizing the tension

between these two approaches will help

us choose how to set it in our own lives

because for stal passion does not

present a problem to be solved but

rather a brilliant and dangerous force

that each of us would do well to wrestle

with either to defeat it or to embrace

it and if you want to explore some of

these ideas in further detail as well as

many others about love then check out my

deep dive into the problems of modern

dating right here and stick around for

more on thinking to improve your life