The science of sex, love, attraction, and obsession | Big Think

Summary

This script explores the science behind romantic love, focusing on the role of neurotransmitters like dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin in fostering feelings of attachment, obsession, and intimacy. It discusses how romantic love differs from lust and companionship love, highlighting the addictive and intense nature of early-stage relationships. The speakers emphasize the importance of novelty, physical touch, and emotional communication in sustaining long-term relationships. They also suggest that modern trends, like cohabitation before marriage, might lead to stronger, happier marriages by allowing couples to better understand each other before committing.

Takeaways

• 💖 Romantic love often feels like an addiction due to the release of dopamine, a neurotransmitter linked to reward and reinforcement.
• 🌍 People can fall madly in love despite significant differences, such as distance, religion, or circumstances, because of the intensity of romantic love.
• 🧠 Romantic love triggers different brain regions compared to maternal love, showing distinct neurotransmitter activity for each.
• 🤔 Over time, romantic love can settle into a less intense form, making space for more stable companionship or attachment-based love.
• 💊 The neurotransmitters involved in romantic love, like dopamine and serotonin, can cause obsessive thinking and intense longing for a partner.
• 🤗 Oxytocin, the 'cuddle hormone,' is released during physical closeness, fostering feelings of attachment, especially after intimacy.
• 💬 Long-term relationship success often hinges on shared values and good communication to manage differences and reduce the need for compromise.
• 💪 Engaging in novel experiences together can help sustain feelings of romantic love by activating the brain's reward system.
• 👩‍❤️‍👨 Regular physical affection, including cuddling, holding hands, and sleeping close, strengthens attachment by boosting oxytocin levels.
• 💬 Positive communication, like offering frequent compliments and focusing on each other's good qualities, can enhance emotional well-being and relationship satisfaction.

Q & A

What is the difference between romantic love and lust according to TED Fischer?

Romantic love is characterized by an intense desire for another person with the expectation that it will persist into the future, whereas lust is generally fleeting and does not have the same intensity of desire or expectation for a long-term relationship.

How do dopamine levels affect feelings of romantic love?

Dopamine, the neurotransmitter associated with reward, increases during romantic love, causing feelings of pleasure and addiction toward the partner. It creates a sense of novelty and reinforcement, making the person want to be with their partner repeatedly.

What role does serotonin play in romantic relationships?

Serotonin is associated with obsessive-compulsive behaviors and rumination. In romantic love, serotonin levels cause individuals to obsessively think about their partner, similar to how people with OCD might fixate on certain thoughts or behaviors.

How does oxytocin influence the bond between partners?

Oxytocin, known as the 'cuddle hormone,' is released during physical intimacy, particularly after orgasm. It strengthens feelings of closeness, intimacy, and attachment between partners, fostering a deep emotional bond.

Why might people in early-stage romantic love make irrational decisions?

In early-stage romantic love, regions of the brain responsible for decision-making and planning in the prefrontal cortex may shut down. This leads people to act on emotions and desires, sometimes making irrational decisions such as falling in love with someone who is unavailable or unsuitable.

Why are more couples taking time before getting married in modern relationships?

Many couples delay marriage because they are cautious about potential divorce and want to ensure compatibility. By taking time to get to know their partner through one-night stands, living together, or long-term dating, they reduce the risk of entering into a marriage that may fail.

What does research suggest about couples with similar values?

Studies indicate that couples with similar values and life goals tend to have longer-lasting relationships because they face fewer conflicts over fundamental issues. Fewer differences reduce the need for compromise, making it easier to maintain harmony over time.

What are some brain regions activated in long-term happy partners?

In long-term happy partners, brain regions associated with empathy, emotional regulation, and positive illusions are active. These regions help partners empathize with each other, control their emotions, and focus on their partner’s positive qualities rather than fixating on negatives.

How does novelty contribute to sustaining romantic love?

Novel experiences together, such as trying new activities or going to different places, stimulate the dopamine system, which is linked to romantic love. Engaging in new experiences helps sustain feelings of excitement and passion in the relationship.

What daily habits can help sustain a long-term relationship?

To sustain a long-term relationship, partners should regularly express positive emotions, engage in physical touch, maintain sexual intimacy, and share new experiences. Complimenting each other, staying in touch through physical contact, and practicing empathy also contribute to long-term happiness.

Outlines

00:00

💖 Addiction and Obsession in Romantic Love

During romantic or passionate love, people can become addicted to their partners, similar to how addiction functions with drugs or other stimuli. The brain releases dopamine, a neurotransmitter linked to reward, which explains why love can feel so intoxicating. Romantic love also activates serotonin, often associated with obsessive thoughts, leading to rumination on one's partner. Other neurotransmitters, such as oxytocin and vasopressin, play roles in bonding and stress regulation, intensifying feelings of attachment and even stress in relationships. Early-stage love triggers brain areas linked to drive and obsession, while regions responsible for decision-making and rational thought can become less active, contributing to risky relationship decisions.

05:08

💍 Caution in Modern Relationships

As intense romantic love subsides, it's essential to spend significant time with a partner before making long-term commitments. Modern relationships, with phenomena like one-night stands and cohabitation before marriage, reflect a growing caution toward marriage, with many fearing the emotional and financial fallout of divorce. People increasingly approach marriage as the final stage of a relationship, not the beginning. Research supports that this slower approach to love may lead to happier marriages, as individuals take the time to learn about each other's values, habits, and compatibility before making serious commitments.

10:09

🧠 The Brain’s Role in Sustaining Love

Sustaining long-term relationships requires maintaining the brain systems responsible for sex drive, romantic love, and attachment. Regular sex boosts testosterone and oxytocin, fostering intimacy and bonding. Novel experiences help maintain romantic feelings by stimulating the dopamine system. Physical touch and regular communication are crucial for reinforcing attachment. Studies of couples in long-term relationships show that empathy, emotional regulation, and positive illusions—focusing on a partner’s good qualities while downplaying the negatives—are essential for a happy partnership. Additionally, small acts of kindness and positive words strengthen both emotional bonds and physical well-being.

Keywords

💡Romantic Love

Romantic love is described in the video as an intense desire for another person with the expectation of a long-term relationship. It involves a strong emotional and physical attraction, often leading to obsessive thoughts about the partner. The video discusses how romantic love activates specific neurotransmitters, like dopamine, which create a sense of addiction and attachment to the partner.

💡Dopamine

Dopamine is a neurotransmitter involved in reward and pleasure. In the context of romantic love, dopamine levels increase, causing feelings of addiction to the partner. It is compared to the effects of addictive behaviors like gambling or drug use. The release of dopamine during romantic love drives the craving for more interactions with the partner.

💡Serotonin

Serotonin is another neurotransmitter that plays a role in mood regulation. During romantic love, serotonin levels are linked to obsessive thinking and rumination about the partner. This constant focus on the partner mirrors behaviors seen in obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), although the speaker clarifies it doesn’t lead to full-blown OCD.

💡Oxytocin

Oxytocin, often referred to as the 'cuddle neurotransmitter,' is released during physical intimacy, especially after orgasm. It promotes feelings of bonding and attachment between partners. In the video, oxytocin is highlighted as a key factor in forming close emotional connections, helping to sustain long-term relationships.

💡Attachment

Attachment refers to the deep emotional bond formed between romantic partners over time. The video explains that attachment is supported by neurotransmitters like oxytocin and vasopressin, which promote closeness and intimacy. Attachment helps sustain long-term relationships after the initial intensity of romantic love fades.

💡Neurotransmitters

Neurotransmitters are chemicals in the brain that influence emotions and behavior. The video discusses how neurotransmitters like dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin, and vasopressin play significant roles in romantic and passionate love, affecting feelings of desire, attachment, and obsession with the partner.

💡Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)

OCD is a mental health disorder characterized by unwanted and repetitive thoughts or behaviors. In the context of romantic love, the video explains how neurotransmitters related to OCD, like serotonin, can cause individuals to obsess over their partner, leading to constant thoughts and a desire to be with them, although it doesn’t necessarily cause clinical OCD.

💡Novelty

Novelty refers to new or unfamiliar experiences, which the video emphasizes as important for maintaining romantic love. Engaging in novel activities together, such as trying new restaurants or reading together, stimulates the brain’s dopamine system, helping sustain feelings of excitement and desire within the relationship.

💡Empathy

Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another person. In long-term relationships, the video highlights how empathy is crucial for sustaining emotional closeness. Brain regions linked to empathy are active in couples who have been together for many years, suggesting that empathy fosters understanding and strengthens emotional bonds.

💡Slow Love

Slow love is a term used in the video to describe the modern trend of people taking more time to get to know each other before committing to marriage. The video suggests that this caution helps build stronger, more stable relationships, as couples are more likely to understand each other's values, goals, and habits before making long-term commitments.

Highlights

Romantic love can feel like an addiction to your partner due to the increase in dopamine, the neurotransmitter associated with reward.

People can fall in love with someone who is married, lives far away, or has different beliefs, due to the overpowering energy of intense romantic love.

Over time, as neurotransmitter levels settle, what's left is the potential for a longer-term relationship, characterized by companionship and emotional stability.

Romantic love is defined as an intense desire for another person, with the expectation of a long-term future together, distinguishing it from lust.

Studies using functional MRI show that different brain areas are activated when thinking about romantic love versus maternal love.

Dopamine increases during romantic love, leading to feelings of addiction and obsessive thinking about the partner.

Oxytocin, the 'cuddle hormone,' is released during physical intimacy, strengthening feelings of attachment and bonding.

The early stages of love activate brain regions linked to drive, craving, and obsession, while deactivating areas associated with decision-making.

Before deciding to marry, it is important to let the early intense feelings of love subside to gain a clearer perspective on the relationship.

The modern trend of 'slow love'—spending more time getting to know a partner before marrying—may lead to more stable and happier marriages.

Studies show that 81% of married individuals would remarry the same partner, indicating the potential for stronger, more successful unions due to slow love.

Shared values and similarities between partners can contribute to a longer-term relationship by reducing the need for compromise.

Sustaining a long-term relationship involves maintaining sex drive, romantic love, and attachment through regular physical and emotional connection.

Novel activities together can stimulate dopamine, helping to sustain feelings of romantic love over time.

Long-term happy couples show brain activity linked to empathy, emotional regulation, and positive illusions—focusing on what they love about each other.

Transcripts

During romantic or passionate love, you're gonna  feel the sense of being addicted to your partner.

People who are madly in love can  

fall madly in love with somebody who's married,  who lives on the other side of the planet,  

who comes from a different religion.  And somehow, they'll say to themselves,  

we'll work it out, we can work this out. Because  of all that energy of intense romantic love.

Over time, as this whole neurotransmitter  thing settles out, what's left?

TED FISCHER: We define romantic love  as an intense desire for another,  

with the expectation that it's gonna persist into  the future. And that distinguishes it from lust,  

which is generally fleeting, and also for more  companionship love, which doesn't have that  

intensity of desire, that you want  to possess the other in some way.

GAIL SALTZ: Studies have looked at activity in the  brain when recalling passionate or romantic love,  

versus say maternal love, and finds that  different centers definitely are more  

active. And they would, say, put people into the  functional MRI, and they said, think about your  

partner, or think about your lover. And certain  areas lit up, or they said, think about your mom,  

and different areas lit up. Which is important,  because different areas are responsible for the  

release of different neurotransmitters. Which  then come to affect your future feeling states and  

future behaviors. During romantic or passionate  love, what happens from a neurotransmitter  

standpoint, those chemicals that are released  when you have that particular experience?  

Dopamine goes up. Dopamine is essentially  the neurotransmitter of reward.  

So it is a neurotransmitter that's released when  you have new or novel experience, but particularly  

experiences that are reinforcing. Like gambling.  Or something that is really addictive. In fact,  

literally addictive. It's the neurotransmitter if  you snorted cocaine that is most responsible for,  

wow, that was great, and I totally wanna do  it again. So that is a neurotransmitter that  

definitely goes up when you are in the throes of  romantic or passionate love. And what does that  

mean for you? It means that you're gonna feel  the sense of being addicted to your partner.  

And in fact, it's also the neurotransmitter that  goes up for people who have obsessive compulsive  

disorder. Does that mean you're gonna develop OCD?  No. But what it does mean is you're probably going  

to obsess over your partner. In comes another  neurotransmitter, that's called serotonin. It is  

definitely a neurotransmitter that is  active for obsessive compulsive disorder.  

And for depression. Do you become depressed?  No, you really don't. But what you do  

do is a feature of depression called rumination.  So you think about your partner over and over and  

over again in this really obsessive manner.  And, if your partner is separated from you,  

you're going to have this longing, where you're  wanting to be with them, kind of like you'd  

want to be with a drug if it was taken away  from you and you were already addicted to it.

There are changes in other neurotransmitters as  well. So if you're physically with your partner,  

the neurotransmitter oxytocin, which is kind  of known as the cuddle neurotransmitter,  

and that makes you feel warm, and snuggly,  and intensely bonded to this person.  

It is particularly released following orgasm. So,  you know, if you're having sex with your partner,  

and things go well, you're gonna  feel very attached to them,  

exceedingly intimate with them. Partially  because of that neurotransmitter.  

There are other neurotransmitters that actually  also change. Vasopressin, which has to do with  

stress level. There's this whole release  of neurotransmitters that make you feel  

very obsessed, very addicted, thinking constantly  about them, very intimately, cuddly, attached, and  

stressed. Actually, it is a stressful condition,  to some degree, to be really into your partner.

HELEN FISHER: One of the problems with early stage  intense feelings of romantic love is that it's  

part of the oldest parts of the brain that become  activated. Brain regions linked with drive, with  

craving, with obsession, with motivation. And in  fact, some cognitive regions up in the prefrontal  

cortex that have evolved much more recently  begin to shut down. Brain regions linked with  

decision-making, planning ahead. As people who are  madly in love can fall madly in love with somebody  

who's married, who lives on the other side of  the planet, who comes from a different religion.  

And somehow they'll say to themselves, we'll  work it out, we can work this out. Because of  

all that energy of intense romantic love. And  also the shutting down of various brain systems  

linked with decision-making. So one of the things  that I say to people is before you decide to marry  

somebody, spend a good deal of time with them.  So some of that early stage intense feelings  

of romantic love can begin to subside. And  you can begin to really see what you've got.

As a matter of fact, I'm very optimistic  about the future of relationships,  

because we're spending so much time now getting  to know somebody before we wed. You know, a great  

many people are having these one night stands,  and friends with benefits, and living together  

before they marry. And there was a recent study,  which they asked a lot of single people who were  

living together with somebody why have they not  yet married? And 67% were terrified of divorce,  

terrified of not only the legal and the financial  and the economic, but the personal and social  

fallout of divorce. And so I began to realize,  maybe all of this hooking up, and friends with  

benefits, and living together is not recklessness.  Maybe it's caution. Maybe singles are trying to  

learn every single thing they can about a  potential partner before they tie the knot.  

And in short, marriage used to be the beginning  of a relationship, now it's the finale. And I  

think that that is very positive. As a matter  of fact, I work with match.com, I'm their chief  

scientific advisor. And we did a study of married  people. Not on the site match.com, of course.  

Of 1100 married people. And I had reasoned,  well, if there's this long pre-commitment  

stage of getting to know somebody, maybe  by the time you walked down the aisle,  

you know what you've got, you're happy with  what you've got, and you're gonna build a long,  

stable really happy marriage. Maybe we're  going towards a time of happier marriages,  

because relationships can end before you tie the  knot. So within this study, I asked these 1100  

married people a lot of questions, but one of  the questions was, would you remarry the person  

you're currently married to? And 81% said yes. And  I think that with what I call fast sex, slow love,  

with this slow love process of getting to know  somebody very carefully, over a long period of  

time, it's gonna help the brain readjust some  of these brain regions for decision-making.  

You're gonna get to know how this person handles  your parents at Christmas, or whatever holiday.  

You know, how they handle your friends, how they  handle their money, how they handle an argument,  

how they handle getting exercise, and their own  health and your health, et cetera. You learn a  

lot about the person. I'm very optimistic about  the future, because of this concept of slow love.

SALTZ: In terms of the science to support what  is a good partner choice, for the long haul,  

it does seem that having very similar values, and  to some degree, having a lot of similarities in  

general, often leads to a longer term ability to  maintain the relationship. And why is that? And  

I'm not talking now about sexual compatibility.  I'm not talking about that wonderful,  

passionate feeling. But I'm really talking  about just maintaining any relationship.  

It is easier when you have fewer bridges to cross.  So over time, as this whole neurotransmitter thing  

settles out, what's left to be able to maintain  your relationship going forward? If you're  

arguing over everything, because basically,  you fundamentally don't agree on most things,  

that is a challenge. Not saying it's  a challenge that can't be managed.  

And I certainly wouldn't say, for example, that  opposites can't attract, because they often do.  

But the question is, what do you do with that  down the road? If you're a different religion,  

if you believe differently in how money should be  managed, if you have different goals in terms of  

family rearing, career aspirations,  long-term how you want to live your life.  

These are bridges that have to be crossed with  a lot of communication, and a lot of compromise.  

To some degree, studies support the less  compromise you have to make, the easier. And  

that's not surprising, right? That's easy  to understand. So choosing someone with  

some similarities will make for  less compromise down the road.

And then the question becomes, how good are you  and your partner individually at communication,  

at compromise, at being able to  

make choices that really aren't your first  choice, for the service of some greater good?

FISHER: We all wanna sustain a long-term  happy partnership. And psychologists will  

give you a long list of smart ways to sustain  it. But I'd like to say what the brain can add.  

I studied the brain. And the first thing that  you wanna do is sustain the three basic brain  

systems for mating and reproduction. Sex drive.  Have sex with the partner. Have sex regularly  

with the partner. If you don't have time,  schedule the time to have sex with the partner.  

Because when you have sex with the partner,  you're driving up the testosterone system,  

so you're gonna want to have more sex, but you  also have all the cuddling, which is gonna drive  

up the oxytocin system, and give you feelings  of attachment. And having sex with the person,  

any kind of stimulation of the genitals drives  up the dopamine system and can sustain feelings  

of romantic love. And of course, there can be  good jokes about it, and relaxation about it,  

that is good for the body and the mind. So have  sex with the person and sustain that brain system  

of the sex drive. To sustain feelings of intense  romantic love, do novel things together. Novelty  

drives up the dopamine system and can sustain  feelings of romantic love. And this isn't just in  

the bedroom. Just go to a different restaurant on  Friday night. Take your bicycle instead of a car.  

Read to each other in bed. Sit together on the  couch, and have a discussion about something new.  

Read new books together. Novelty, novelty, novelty  sustains feelings of intense romantic love.

You also wanna sustain feelings of  deep attachment. And to do that,  

you have to just stay in touch. Learn to sleep  in the person's arm. At least start that way.  

Cuddle after dinner. Walk arm-in-arm arm down the  street. Hold hands together. Put your foot on top  

of his foot or her foot while you're having  dinner. Gently, of course. But stay in touch.  

That drives up the oxytocin system, and can give  you feelings of deep attachment to the partner.  

So, you wanna sustain all three of those brain  systems, sex drive, feelings of romantic love,  

and feelings of deep attachment. But we've  also found out what's going on in the brain  

in long-term happy partners. We did a study, a  brain scanning study, of people who were married  

an average of 21 years. And those people  who were married an average of 21 years,  

who were still madly in love with their partner  showed activity in three brain regions. A brain  

region linked with empathy, a brain region  linked with controlling your own emotions,  

and a brain region linked with what we call  positive illusions, the simple ability,  

but sometimes hard, to overlook what you don't  like about somebody, and then focus on what you  

do. So last but not least, we've now known that  if you say several nice things to your partner  

every day, I would suggest five, but if you  can only pull off two or three, whatever.  

Say nice things to your partner. That actually  reduces their cholesterol, reduces their cortisol,  

which is the stress hormone, and boosts their  immune system. But it also boosts yours.

So what the brain says about a happy long-term  partnership is overlook what you don't like and  

focus on what you do, express empathy for the  partner, control your own emotions, have sex  

with the partner, do novel things together, stay  in touch, and say several nice things every day.  

And your brain will help you sustain a  long-term deep attachment. We're built to love.