How to Get Over The End of a Relationship | Antonio Pascual-Leone | TEDxUniversityofWindsor

Summary

Clinical psychologist Antonio Pasquale Leone explores overcoming the end of significant relationships in this insightful talk. He discusses the common misconception that time alone heals emotional wounds and introduces a three-step process for addressing 'unfinished business'. This involves confronting feelings, identifying deep-seated needs, and expressing healthy emotions to organize oneself. Leone suggests that moving on can result in forgiveness and reconciliation, or a healthy detachment without forgiveness, emphasizing the importance of understanding one's own emotional journey.

Takeaways

• 😢 Moving on from a relationship involves dealing with emotional baggage and unfinished business, which can be complex and vary in nature.
• 🕰 The common belief that time heals all wounds is not always true; some emotional processes may become 'frozen' and require active steps to resolve.
• 🔍 Research has shown that resolving emotional issues often involves going through three distinct, yet non-linear steps: facing the issue, addressing deeper needs, and asserting oneself.
• 🚫 Avoidance of the issue or reminders can hinder the healing process, as it prevents necessary emotional exposure and acceptance of the new normal.
• 🤔 Identifying and articulating the specific feelings of sadness, anger, or betrayal is crucial for understanding what is truly upsetting about the situation.
• 💔 The end of a relationship can trigger deeper, pre-existing insecurities or vulnerabilities, which may require acknowledgment and healing.
• 🌪 Recognizing and expressing one's existential needs, such as feeling valuable or loveable, can create a contradiction that sparks change.
• 🔥 Asserting oneself can involve healthy anger, which is a step towards fighting for one's dignity and value, separate from the other person's actions.
• 💔 Grieving the loss of a relationship involves acknowledging specific losses and saying goodbye to the hopes and dreams that will never materialize.
• 🔄 The process of moving on is often messy and nonlinear, with individuals potentially getting stuck at any point in the process before resolution.
• 🏁 There are three viable outcomes for resolving unfinished business: reconciliation with forgiveness, forgiveness without reconciliation, or holding the other person accountable without forgiveness.

Q & A

What is the main topic of Antonio Pasquale Leone's talk?

Antonio Pasquale Leone's talk focuses on how to get over the end of a significant relationship and move on from emotional baggage or 'unfinished business'.

What does Leone suggest is a common misconception about moving on from a relationship?

Leone suggests that a common misconception is that moving on is just a matter of time and that the bad feelings will simply run their course.

What does Leone mention as the first step in resolving emotional baggage from a relationship?

The first step, according to Leone, involves facing the issue and avoiding avoidance, tolerating exposure to the feelings until one starts to feel okay with the new normal.

How does Leone describe the process of separating emotions like anger and sadness?

Leone describes the process as teasing apart the emotions, finding the right words to describe what's so awful or hard about the situation, and distinguishing between anger that pushes one's chest out and sadness that makes one withdraw.

What does Leone identify as the second step in resolving emotional issues after a relationship ends?

The second step involves recognizing and addressing deeper, older feelings that have been stirred up by the end of the relationship, which may be tied to personal insecurities or past experiences.

What is the importance of identifying one's deepest existential needs in Leone's approach?

Identifying one's deepest existential needs is crucial as it creates a contradiction within oneself, which can initiate change and help in moving past the emotional hurt.

What does Leone suggest as the third step in resolving 'unfinished business'?

The third step involves asserting oneself and fighting for one's dignity and value, which often comes with a shift in power and a new perspective on the other person.

How does Leone describe the process of grieving a loss in the context of a relationship?

Leone describes grieving as a healthy process where one focuses on the good things and specific losses, saying goodbye to them and acknowledging the hopes and dreams that will never materialize.

What are the three viable outcomes Leone mentions for resolving 'unfinished business'?

The three viable outcomes are: 1) forgiving and reconciling with the person, 2) forgiving but not reconciling, and 3) not forgiving but holding the person accountable, which often involves a shift in power dynamics.

What does Leone imply about the role of time in the healing process?

Leone implies that while time is a part of the healing process, it is not the sole factor, and that there are unique solutions to each sticking point in the process of resolving emotional issues.

How does Leone suggest approaching the feelings of anger and sadness that often accompany the end of a relationship?

Leone suggests experiencing and expressing both anger and sadness in their own right, as they are two sides of the same coin, and using emotion to help organize oneself in a healthy way.