Harsh Relationship Truths From Being “Mr. Nice Guy” for 9+ Years
Summary
TLDRIn this video, the speaker shares four key lessons from his 5.5-year relationship, focusing on overcoming 'nice guy' tendencies to build a more authentic and fulfilling partnership. He emphasizes the importance of decisiveness, self-love, personal accountability, and setting boundaries by saying 'no' when necessary. The speaker also discusses the impact of self-respect on relationships and how aligning with one's authentic self can improve both personal and romantic connections.
Takeaways
- 🌟 The speaker acknowledges his past as a people pleaser and the negative impact it had on his relationships.
- 🔑 Realizing the need for change, he shares four key lessons learned from over five years of personal growth.
- 👑 Lesson one emphasizes the importance of decisiveness and leading in a relationship, avoiding both the 'weakling' and 'tyrant' extremes.
- 💡 The mindset shift involves understanding that making decisions, even if they are wrong, provides valuable feedback for growth.
- 💖 Lesson two challenges the common belief that one must love themselves to love others, arguing instead that self-love is essential to receive love from others.
- 🤝 Lesson three highlights the significance of self-respect, which comes from personal accountability and following through on commitments.
- 🗣️ Authenticity is key; one must be true to themselves to gain the trust and respect of others, including their partner.
- 🔒 Personal accountability not only builds self-respect but also makes one more approachable and trustworthy to others.
- 👥 The speaker stresses the importance of surrounding oneself with people who align with their authentic self, as they positively influence personal growth.
- ❌ Lesson four is about the importance of being able to say 'no' to maintain trust and show integrity in a relationship.
- 🔮 An additional point is made about the feminine intuition to see through inauthentic behavior, emphasizing the need for men to be genuine in their actions.
Q & A
What is the main issue the speaker addresses in his relationship?
-The speaker addresses the issue of being a people pleaser and how it negatively impacted his relationship, causing him to not act authentically and leading to resentment.
What are the four key lessons the speaker wants to share?
-The speaker wants to share four key lessons to help overcome the 'nice guy' tendencies and to get what one wants from relationships and life.
What does the speaker mean by 'the shadow side of the King'?
-The 'shadow side of the King' refers to the undesirable aspects of masculinity, which include the passive shadow side (the weakling) and the active shadow side (the Tyrant). The speaker aims to avoid these and become a mature masculine leader instead.
Why is making decisions important according to the speaker?
-Making decisions is important because it allows for personal growth through feedback, whether the decisions are right or wrong. It also helps in building trust and respect from others, including one's partner.
What is the mindset shift proposed in lesson one?
-The mindset shift proposed is to understand that making decisions, even if they are wrong, is better than making no decision at all, as it provides feedback for growth and helps in living authentically.
What is the main point of lesson two?
-Lesson two emphasizes that one should love themselves before they can receive love from others, as self-love and self-respect are prerequisites for healthy relationships.
How does the speaker define self-respect in lesson three?
-The speaker defines self-respect as stemming from personal accountability, meaning that one should follow through on their commitments and promises to themselves and others.
What is the significance of the quotes mentioned by the speaker?
-The quotes mentioned by the speaker are meant to illustrate the importance of personal accountability, respect for oneself, and the idea that one must be true to their authentic self to lead a fulfilling life and relationship.
What does the speaker suggest about the number of close relationships one can have?
-The speaker refers to Dunbar's number, suggesting that there is a limit to the number of people one can maintain close relationships with, and that it's important to surround oneself with supportive and authentic connections.
Why is it crucial to say 'no' according to the speaker?
-Saying 'no' is crucial because it demonstrates integrity and allows one to be trusted by others, including one's partner. It shows that one is in touch with their authentic self and is not merely pleasing others.
What is the ultimate goal of the speaker's advice?
-The ultimate goal of the speaker's advice is to help individuals transform themselves and their relationships to achieve a deep, loving, fulfilling, and authentic connection with their partner.
Outlines
🌟 Overcoming People Pleaser Tendencies
The speaker begins by sharing his journey of being a people pleaser and how it affected his relationship and friendships. He realized the need to change and not just give endlessly to please others. He learned the importance of acting authentically and sharing his true desires. The speaker aims to share four key lessons from his 5.5 years of experience to help others overcome their 'nice guy' tendencies and achieve what they want in relationships and life.
🚀 The Importance of Decision Making
The speaker emphasizes the importance of making decisions and having opinions to lead a fulfilling life. He discusses the fear of being disliked for expressing one's desires and the realization that indecision leads to a lack of personal growth and trust from others. He contrasts the need for decisiveness with the danger of becoming a controlling 'tyrant'. The speaker encourages becoming a mature masculine leader who can make decisions and also value the input of others, particularly the feminine intuition of a partner.
💪 Cultivating Self-Love and Respect
The speaker challenges the common belief that one must love themselves to love others, arguing instead that self-love is necessary to receive love from others. He shares his personal struggle with accepting compliments and how it reflects one's ability to receive love and meet needs in a relationship. The speaker stresses that self-respect and personal accountability are key to earning the respect and trust of others, including one's partner.
🔍 The Power of Authenticity
The speaker discusses the importance of being authentic and how it affects one's relationships. He shares that people who are not true to themselves tend to cling to relationships and struggle with receiving love and compliments. Authenticity is portrayed as a way to attract like-minded people and build strong, supportive relationships. The speaker also touches on the concept of 'dunbar's number', explaining how maintaining a small circle of authentic, supportive relationships is crucial for personal development and healthy romantic relationships.
🗣️ The Necessity of Setting Boundaries
The speaker talks about the importance of setting boundaries and saying 'no' when necessary to maintain trust and respect in a relationship. He explains that constantly saying 'yes' can lead to a lack of trust, as it's unclear if one is being genuine. The speaker also discusses the idea of having both a warrior and lover within, and the need to balance assertiveness with warmth and love. He concludes by offering a free Discovery call for those who are committed to improving their relationships and becoming their authentic selves.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡People Pleaser
💡Authenticity
💡Resentment
💡Mature Masculinity
💡Decision Making
💡Feedback
💡Self-Love
💡Self-Respect
💡Personal Accountability
💡Integrity
💡Red Pill
Highlights
The speaker shares four key lessons learned from over 5 years in a relationship to overcome 'nice guy' tendencies.
Being a people pleaser can lead to resentment and a lack of authenticity in relationships.
The importance of balancing between being a 'weakling' and a 'tyrant' to become a grounded masculine individual.
Lesson one emphasizes the need to make decisions and have opinions to avoid being walked over by others.
Making decisions, even wrong ones, provides valuable feedback for personal growth.
The feminine side of a woman is attracted to a man who is decisive and can lead.
Lesson two challenges the notion that you need to love yourself to love others, suggesting instead that self-love is necessary to receive love.
Self-respect comes from personal accountability and following through on commitments.
Being authentic and respecting oneself allows for receiving compliments and love from others.
Lesson three discusses how personal accountability leads to self-respect and the trust of others.
The importance of surrounding oneself with people who align with one's authentic self.
Lesson four stresses the importance of being able to say 'no' to maintain trust and integrity in a relationship.
The speaker offers a free Discovery call for those serious about improving their relationships.
The necessity of being authentic to attract people who respect and understand your true self.
The balance between the 'warrior' and 'lover' aspects of one's personality for a healthy relationship.
The speaker humorously involves a cow in the discussion to illustrate points about agreement and authenticity.
Transcripts
good day gentlemen I've been with my
girl for over 5 and a half years but I
grew up as a people pleaser and that
became very evident not just with my
friends but then especially when I got
into my relationship and I very quickly
realized that I needed to change
something because I honestly realized
that through just trying to give and
give and give and please her I actually
won't get what I want right but then I
had to learn how to actually overcome
this tendency how to get rid of this
fear of acting authentic and yeah I want
to share four key lessons with you
basically compress 5 and a half years of
learning and experience into four key
lessons so you can actually overcome
your nice guy Tendencies yourself and
actually get what you want from your
relationship and from your friendships
and from life in general because man the
truth is you will not get and I would
not have gotten what I wanted if I
continued acting in these ways because
at the end of the day the most
difficult the cow wanted to to
contribute something as well I hope
you're okay with that not just kidding
but we have some some some Curious
bystanders again here today maybe
they'll walk into frame later on there's
a couple of cows next to me right you
get the point at the end of the
day I started in my relationship
resenting my girl for like almost making
blaming her for me not acting authentic
for me having this fear of just putting
myself out there and actually saying
what I want to say and that of course
didn't work right I was that very much
that weakling and then also I will say
this I didn't want to go to the other
end of the spectrum because I was
bullied for 8 years I didn't want to
become that Tyrant that [ __ ]
egotistical Manchild I didn't want to
become that guy right I didn't want to
become so insecure that I had to let it
out on other people so I want to give
you like I said these four key lessons
so you can combine the goods the good
sides from both of these ends of the
spectrum and actually Elevate them right
when you look at mature masculinity what
this actually is is you have the shadow
side of the King right and the shadow
side of the king one of the Shadow sides
the passive Shadow side is the weakling
and the active Shadow side is the Tyrant
we don't want either of those we want to
become that King right that grounded
masculine guy who says what he wants to
say who acts authentic who's comfortable
in his own skin that's who I want to be
that's who you want to be and also
that's who our women want us to be so so
[ __ ] fantastic lines up let's get
there now lesson number one is very very
crucial I'm going to give you a mindset
shift in a couple of seconds but I want
to preface this by saying at the end of
the day what I was afraid of mostly was
me saying what I want and then people
not liking me for it and people yeah
confirming my fear of me not being
adequate in that sense I'll just be very
very brutally honest with you right and
what I realized though is the feminine
side of a woman that most men find so
attractive right not all men lean more
to the masculine but you get the point I
do you probably do as well the feminine
part of a woman that we find so
attractive that we want more that sweet
loving radiant sight of her that sight
just wants to relax in her man's
presence she just wants to relax in the
demonstration of your direction that's a
quote by David daa maybe you've heard of
this guy and at the end of the day that
really is it when I realized that I was
like you know what I just need to become
more decisive here I need to become more
of that maturely masculine leader and I
need to lead her to where she wants to
go not be that weakling that can't make
a decision that is too afraid of
upsetting anyone or yeah anyone calling
him out for his opinions and thus not
sharing any opinions but also not being
that Tyrant that rules over the woman
right no woman wants that especially not
nowadays and they're correct in that
right 100% so how do we actually get
there here's a mindset shift for you you
think that having opinions or making
decisions is difficult and can lead to a
bad outcome the only way that you can
actually have a bad outcome is if you
make no decision because if you don't
make a single decision what's going to
happen people will rule over you people
will walk all over you you will not
actually live authentically and you will
not get any
feedback what I mean with feedback is if
you make a great decision if you make
the right decision you will get
positively reinforced for that right by
the World by yourself by Everyone by
everything because you will see hey this
was the right decision great I'll make
this decision in the next situation in
the next time I have this situation I'll
make the same decision right you get
feedback the same thing happens though
when you make the wrong decision so
making a wrong decision is actually good
because it gives you feedback it shows
you hey dude this is where to not go so
this is where you should try next but if
you don't make a single decision you
canot
grow and your woman cannot trust you and
she cannot relax in your presence and
then she becomes nagging and she becomes
negative and she becomes uninterested in
sex because she sees that you're not
stepping up and her becoming nagging and
irritable that is her way of expressing
that you're not actually stepping up to
the plate and that you're not leading
her and of course you don't need to
become that leader who always knows
exactly what to do but what you can do
is you can give your opinion where you
want to go and then she can and then you
can ask for her opinion right because
getting her input is often also
important especially her feminine
intuition she often knows what you
should be doing I'll be very honest with
you with business decisions or bigger
life decisions I often ask consciously
for the input of my girl because she has
that bigger vision for life right the
masculine is very striving the feminine
is more flowing but more Vision focused
more on the whole thing the masculine is
just direction through the [ __ ] thing
you know what I mean but here's the
thing you care about the outcome she
cares about relaxing you care about ah
will the food at this restaurant be good
she doesn't even care about
that she just cares about relaxing and
just being guided she just wants to be
like cool I don't have to do anything I
just do this this and this I I get
dressed or something and then he picks
me up and we go on that date or whatever
it might be right but she doesn't have
to plan anything she doesn't have to
organize anything she can just be like
you know what I trust him and of course
you have to get that reputation right
you have to build that reputation up but
you get the point you care about the
outcome she just cares about relaxing so
you guide and this is not to say that
you rule over her don't become that
Tyrant right it's very easy to fall into
that don't become that guy you won't you
won't succeed with that now lesson
number two is a very quick one but also
a very impactful one I told this to
multiple of my clients and for all of
them just made click and they realized
[ __ ] I have bought into the wrong
Paradigm the wrong worldview the wrong
belief so essentially people nowadays
say you need to love yourself to love
others I'm calling [ __ ] on that
because people who don't like themselves
who don't love themselves who are not
comfortable in their own skin what
happens they cling on to every
relationship they can get they fall in
love extremely
quickly so instead the saying should be
you need to love yourself to get love
from others to receive the love from
other people because here's the thing
man if you don't like yourself and you
don't respect yourself you can't even
take a compliment I know this from
myself because whenever someone couple
of years ago right whenever someone
would actually give me a a heartfelt
genuine compliment I would be like n
that n whatever right I would try to
play it off now I just say thank you I
mean this now I'm at a point where I
literally when someone gives you makes
me a compliment I'm just like hey thank
you man that's awesome and I can
actually take that compliment now if you
can't even take a compliment that that
metaphorical compliment right you can't
even receive other people's loves love
how will you get your needs met in bed
just think about that for a moment if
you can't even receive love praise from
other
people because you're not secure enough
within yourself how will you get your
needs met in bed you won't that's the
honest truth and of course all of this
comes down to the fact that people well
who can't take compliments who can't
receive compliments who can't receive
love they don't respect themselves
enough right and we're going to talk
about this more in lesson number three
and go deeper on this but before we go
into that I quickly want to say if you
are not just watching this video for
entertainment or fun purposes or because
you're procrastinating or anything but
because you actually want to transform
your relationship into that loving
and sweet and fun and secure and
passionate relationship then what you
can do is you can actually apply for a
discovery call with me you can basically
just click the link in the description
apply for a call with me takes one
minute to apply and maybe we'll talk
soon and we can see whether yeah your
relationship whether I can help you with
that and if I can whether it makes sense
for you to work with me now lesson
number three I picked up from someone
who has mastered self-respect who
respects himself a [ __ ] ton and it is
reflected through his actions but who
also and this is the crucial Point has
mastered his mind I'm not going to say
just now who that is I'm going to
mention this later but he basically said
self-respect comes from personal
accountability I think that was the
quote something around that self-respect
comes from personal accountability what
that means is if you say you're going to
do something you do it and if you think
this is what I'm going to do tomorrow
you do it I I'll be very honest with you
I have a lot going on in my life to the
point where I'm going to move to a
different country in less than a month I
did not want to film this video today I
have so much stuff to do but I promised
myself that I would film this video
today and so I'm doing it and I'm doing
it way later than I thought I would it's
like 3:30 p.m. right now usually I film
these videos in the morning but I'm
still doing it and that's why I respect
myself that that shows me hey people
should respect me because I respect my
own decisions I respect respect my own
words and then other people this is what
you'll find out one of the things you'll
find out is other people can actually
then trust you much more and respect
your words much more now there is this
quote I just want to mention this here
you might think this has nothing to do
with relationships but I'll bring this
back this this will make sense in a
moment this quote by this Persian I
believe Persian philosopher heraclitus
and he
said at war in war out of every 100 men
10 shouldn't even be there 80 are just
targets 10 sorry nine are real Fighters
and they win that battle oh but one one
is a true warrior and that one true
warrior will bring all the others home
safe again and then in combination with
that there's this quote by David Goggins
who is also the guy that I mentioned at
the start of this
lesson the guy who said self-respect is
the only way to or personal
accountability is the only way to
self-respect something like that right
he said from the day you are born you
eligible to die just think about that
for a moment like that's only half the
quote but just think about that for a
moment from the day you are born you are
eligible to die but then he said but you
are also eligible to find your greatness
and become that one Warrior and here's
the thing man once you
actually say you're going to do
something and then actually do it you
have that personal accountability
you're going to see that multiple things
happen like trust me these things will
happen in your life quicker than you
might think firstly everyone around you
will respect you more people might not
like you more but they will respect you
more because they can see that you
respect yourself and your own words and
your own actions and your own life
secondly people are now actually more
willing and more open to helping you
because they can see that now you're not
trying to be that hero anymore you're
being that Warrior and a warrior if he
needs help he will ask for it and he
will get it because people again respect
him right a hero is completely afraid of
asking for help and he won't get it
because of that and thirdly you will
find that it's not just okay but it's
actually freeing if you lose a few
people here and there on the way and
that might be your girlfriend I hope for
you it's not but it might be now let's
bring this back here's the point at the
end of the day people who don't align
with your authentic self they shouldn't
be in your life and you know this I
don't have to tell you this [ __ ] but I
have to remind you of it this is nothing
new but I have to remind you of this
stuff because if someone cannot support
you on your Life Path and you cannot
support them on their life path there is
no point in having a relationship
together whether that's romantic or just
friendship relationship right doesn't it
doesn't make any sense and here's the
thing there's something called dunbar's
number right Robin Dunbar a scientist or
researcher rather made this up and he
basically said there's like multiple
numbers but he basically said in at
every level of intimacy like very far
related like very far people that you
see like once a year or something kind
of far away from you or close friends or
like closest people around you right at
every one of those levels you can only
have a certain amount of people like a
certain number of people around you
and so the closest level of that is like
very close people which is probably your
best friend maybe two best friends right
maybe one or two family members and a
partner and that's it that's literally
it and these could obviously be mixed up
in different amounts but you get the
point and here's the thing if some bad
friend takes up one of those spots that
will hurt your life it will hurt your
relationships because male friends are
extremely important if you want to have
a good relationship right male friends
help you back into your masculinity when
you've fallen out of it they help you
with everything you need good friends in
your life they will help you with
everything but also massively with your
relationship and so man by actually
acting how you should act acting
authentically well you attract who you
are you attract people that you attract
people who are similar to the image you
put out in the world and so if you put
an authentic image of who you truly are
or who you truly want to be out into to
the world you will attract those people
to you
automatically I can speak from
experience here because I've lost quite
a lot of friends on this path of yeah
personal development whatever you want
to call it they went a completely
different path and that's okay and I
still love those guys when I meet them
in public I will talk to them and that's
great but still they don't understand me
I don't really understand them and so
why should we be friends now I have
friends who I can literally connect with
on a very deep basis and can talk about
anything with and here's the thing man
my best friend I'll just tell you this
because this has to do a lot with
relationships you might not believe it
but it has to you will like mark my
words here in maybe if you don't realize
this now in a couple of months or years
you will realize how important your
friends are for your your romantic
relationship to be good or or or bad at
the end of the day now my best friend
who I've known since I was literally 6
years old we lost sight of each other as
teenagers and we only found each other
again because I asked him like hey dude
do you want to have a conversation about
this topic and he was like [ __ ] yeah I
want to and then we found out hey we
actually have the same exact interests
we have the same exact interests in life
and ever since dude we have become such
good
friends I would have not had this guy in
my life if I didn't put myself
authentically out there and yes he could
have been like what the f like what the
[ __ ] did you want to talk about like
dude you're such a dumbass whatever like
I made myself vulnerable in that moment
here's the thing you have to do the
exact same thing with your partner
because why do you want a partner in
your life who doesn't even know your
authentic
self I don't want
that the cow grees now lesson number
four is by far the most important lesson
in this video because I always keep the
most important lessons to the end of
these videos because I only want people
who are actually committed to
transforming themselves and their
relationship to get the these lessons so
here we go people including your partner
cannot trust your yes if you do not say
no when you want to can you trust
someone who always does what other
people ask of him even though he wants
to do something different no you can't
trust that guy because when he says yes
you don't know if he actually wants to
say yes or if he just says yes to please
someone because he's afraid of upsetting
someone and here's the thing man that
guy has zero
integrity and zero balls you can't trust
him the exact same thing is true for
your partner your girl and you she can't
trust you if you always say yes to
everything even though sometimes you
actually want to say no and here's the
thing additional lesson here bonus
lesson for
you she knows exactly who you
are when you look into
spirituality when you look into feminine
and masculine essence enses you quickly
also find out that the feminine has a
very strong intuition very strong
empathy right basically you can see this
you when you look at someone as a man or
as a more masculine person you look at
someone you don't see the intricate
details of their facial expression a
woman does a woman feels very deeply
very deep empathy for people right and
so she can see exactly who you are she
can see right through you she knows who
you are and who you want to be who you
want to act as and if you don't and she
will lose trust in you automatically of
course she will and here's the thing
David data again I'm mentioning this guy
right mentioned him earlier he calls
this the Oracle he basically says that
your woman will call you out if you're
not being authentic and whether that's
directly calling you out or calling you
out through being irritable uninterested
in sex or just nagging all all the time
she will call you out she will tell you
directly or indirectly that you're not
actually stepping up
that you're not actually being who you
know who she knows you want to be and
she can't trust that guy I mean this
just accept that she knows exactly who
you are and exactly who you want to be
even if this wasn't true which it is but
even if it wasn't true it would still
hold you accountable to being authentic
to being who you actually are and to
just saying hey you know what I don't
want to do this because here's the thing
man also a lot of guys when they get out
of their nice guy Tendencies they then
become this kind of men going their own
way red pill kind of guy right that this
very like I'm going to focus on myself
I'm not going to talk to anyone whatever
this kind of cold person I'm not that
person most likely you aren't either we
have that side and we sometimes need to
use that side we need to be very
assertive sometimes and not just
assertive but like aggressive almost in
how we take action not aggressive
towards other people obviously but
aggressive in how we take action we need
that side that Warrior within us but we
also have the lover inside of us we have
that very warm side inside of us right
and
so I show that side as much as I can
when I want to right and this is not
about becoming a a red pill men going
their own way [ __ ] woman hating man
this is not what this is about this is
about becoming who you actually want to
be and becoming who you actually are so
if you are a very warm warm and loving
person be that person simple as that and
again brother some people will not be
able to deal with your authentic self
comma and that's
okay simple as that now if you have come
to the conclusion that you actually want
to give yourself and your relationship
the best shot possible at getting to
that deep and loving and fulfilling and
sweet and fun relationship that you
actually want and you're a hardworking
man and I want to offer you my help
because I've helped a bunch of
hardworking men who are in very similar
positions to you actually get to that
relationship that you want what I
offered all of those guys and what I'm
going to offer you is a free Discovery
call basically a call where we talk
about your relationship we talk about
where you're at and where you want to go
and we basically figure out can I help
you get there and if I can I will then
tell you what I have to offer how that
works and everything and yeah that's
pretty much that I also want to be very
honest and upfront about the fact that I
only have 24 hours in a day just like
you there's a lot of men who want to
work with me right now because I'm
growing so quickly on YouTube but if you
are still ready to take that step and
actually get to that relationship with
your woman where she is open and sweet
and loving and trusting of you and you
feel respected and you feel peaceful you
feel at ease and you feel capable of
handling this relationship very well
then man click that link in the
description right now don't
hesitate the cow agrees see dude the cow
agrees n dude I'm kid I'm just I'm just
kidding but click that link in the
description right now fill out the
application it takes literally 1 minute
it's five questions and then maybe we
will talk soon on one of those Discovery
calls have a great day
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