How being the "quiet kid" completely f*cked up my teenage years...

Summary

The speaker recounts their journey from an extroverted child to an anxious teenager, detailing the bullying and social isolation that led to their anxiety. They share their struggles with a classmate named Tyler, the impact of their mother's intervention, and their feelings of powerlessness. The script explores their anxiety's escalation through school years, the coping mechanisms they developed, such as using face paint to hide blushing, and the influence of social media on their mental health. The narrative concludes with the speaker's ongoing battle with anxiety, their self-reflection, and the realization that their need for attention fuels their anxiety.

Takeaways

• 😔 The narrator was an extroverted child who became anxious and introverted after being manipulated and bullied by a classmate named Tyler.
• 👦 The turning point was when Tyler got angry at the narrator for involving their mother, leading to a change in their relationship dynamics.
• 🏕️ At a camp, the narrator experienced severe anxiety and homesickness, especially upon encountering Tyler again.
• 😳 The narrator's anxiety was exacerbated by a fear of blushing, which led to social withdrawal and avoidance behaviors.
• 🏫 High school experiences, including a failed speech, further increased the narrator's anxiety and sense of being judged by peers.
• 💻 The narrator found solace in creating a YouTube channel, where subscriber growth provided a sense of validation and belonging.
• 🎥 The growth of the narrator's online presence on TikTok brought additional pressure to maintain a perfect image, intensifying anxiety.
• 🧍‍♂️ The narrator experimented with adopting a 'Sigma male' persona for attention, which backfired and increased feelings of isolation.
• 🌳 Spending time in nature and self-reflection helped the narrator understand the root causes of their anxiety and begin the process of healing.
• 📈 The realization that seeking attention and validation was a driving factor behind the anxiety led to a more authentic approach to self-improvement.
• 💪 Despite ongoing struggles, the narrator acknowledges improvement in managing anxiety through self-acceptance and challenging negative thoughts.

Q & A

How did the narrator describe their personality at the age of 8?

The narrator described themselves as an average 8-year-old, with no anxiety, extremely extroverted, and talkative.

Who is Tyler in the story?

Tyler is a kid of the same age as the narrator who was considered one of the 'bad kids' at school. He manipulated the narrator into hanging out with him during lunchtime.

What incident caused the narrator to feel like a victim at school?

The narrator felt like a victim when a grade six student accidentally hit their face while high-fiving Tyler, causing the narrator to cry and be called names by Tyler.

How did the narrator's mother address the situation with Tyler?

The narrator's mother went to the school and had a private conversation with Tyler before classes started, which resulted in Tyler being extremely angry with the narrator.

What was the narrator's experience at the camp like?

The narrator's experience at the camp was very negative. They felt extremely anxious, introverted, and tried to avoid Tyler at all costs.

Why did the narrator start to feel anxious and develop a red face issue?

The narrator's anxiety and red face issue started due to the bullying and manipulation by Tyler, and it was exacerbated by the narrator's desire for attention and fear of embarrassment.

What was the significance of the 'footy day' in the narrator's life?

On 'footy day', the narrator was able to wear face paint which allowed them to hide their red face and be themselves without fear of embarrassment, making it one of the most enjoyable days of their life.

How did the movie 'Wonder' relate to the narrator's experience?

The narrator related to the main character of 'Wonder' because both had to deal with social anxiety and the desire to hide their faces, especially when they turned red.

What was the turning point for the narrator in terms of dealing with anxiety?

The turning point was when the narrator started to understand the root cause of their anxiety, which was the desire for attention and love, and began to challenge their anxious thoughts.

How has the narrator's YouTube channel helped them cope with anxiety?

The narrator found comfort in the growth of their YouTube channel as it made them feel valued by others, and it became a platform for them to express themselves and connect with people who could relate to their experiences.

What advice does the narrator give to others who might be experiencing similar anxiety?

The narrator advises others to challenge their anxious thoughts daily, to understand that their actions should reflect the character they wish to have, and to remember that anxiety does get better over time.

Outlines

00:00

👦 Childhood Anxiety and Bullying

The narrator recounts his childhood as an average, extroverted 8-year-old who was manipulated by a classmate named Tyler. Despite attempts to avoid Tyler, he was often forced to interact with him during lunch breaks under threats of violence or social exclusion. An incident with a high-five gone wrong led to the narrator feeling victimized and anxious. His mother intervened by speaking to Tyler, which resulted in Tyler's anger and eventual distancing. The narrator's anxiety persisted through various experiences, including a camp where he felt homesick and anxious, and a school incident where his face turning red due to anxiety led to ridicule.

05:01

🏈 Football Day and the Impact of 'Wonder'

The narrator describes how his anxiety was particularly pronounced during his school years, but he found solace on football day when he could wear face paint to hide his red face. This allowed him to be himself and enjoy one of the most freeing days of his life. He also watched the movie 'Wonder' on the last day of primary school, which resonated with him due to the main character's similar experiences with social anxiety and the desire to hide one's face. The movie had a profound impact on him, and he found himself relating deeply to the character's struggles.

10:01

📈 The Struggle with Anxiety and Seeking Validation

The narrator discusses his ongoing battle with anxiety, particularly his shyness and introversion, which were exacerbated by family conflicts. He found some comfort in basketball and starting a YouTube channel, where subscriber growth gave him a sense of validation and worth. However, this also led to an obsession with appearing perfect and adopting an overly masculine 'Sigma' persona for attention, which ultimately made his anxiety worse. He realized that trying to be someone he's not was not helpful and started to embrace being more genuine.

15:02

🌳 Overcoming Anxiety Through Self-Reflection

The narrator shares his journey of understanding and overcoming anxiety. He spent time in nature and self-reflection to identify the root causes of his anxiety, which he realized was a desire for attention and love. He acknowledges that while he has made progress and learned to manage his anxiety better, it still exists. He emphasizes the importance of challenging anxious thoughts and notes that his anxiety has taught him valuable life lessons. The narrator concludes by encouraging others to challenge their thoughts and assuring them that things do get better over time.

Keywords

💡Anxiety

Anxiety is a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease about something with an uncertain outcome. In the video, the speaker describes their experience with anxiety, particularly focusing on social situations and how it affected their behavior and interactions with others. For example, anxiety is mentioned as a response to being forced to interact with a peer named Tyler and later as a reason for avoiding social situations.

💡Extroverted

Extroverted refers to a personality type that is outgoing and tends to gain energy from social interactions. The speaker contrasts their past self as 'extremely extroverted' with their later experiences of anxiety, indicating a shift in their social behavior and comfort levels.

💡Manipulation

Manipulation is the act of influencing someone to act in a desired way by using pressure or deceit. The script mentions how Tyler manipulated the speaker into spending time with him, which led to feelings of being trapped and unable to interact with their preferred friends.

💡Isolation

Isolation refers to the state of being separated from others, either physically or emotionally. The speaker describes feeling isolated due to their anxiety, especially during a school camp where they felt disconnected from their peers.

💡Homesickness

Homesickness is a feeling of sadness or discomfort caused by being away from home. The speaker mentions experiencing homesickness at a camp, which contributed to their overall anxiety and discomfort in that environment.

💡Insecurity

Insecurity is a feeling of not being secure or safe, often stemming from self-doubt. The speaker discusses their insecurities, particularly regarding their appearance and social status, which led to anxiety and a desire for attention and validation.

💡Perfectionism

Perfectionism is the pursuit of perfection, often accompanied by a fear of failure or criticism. The speaker talks about how achieving a certain level of online fame led to increased perfectionism and anxiety about maintaining a perfect image.

💡Sigma Male

Sigma Male is a term used to describe a man who does not conform to traditional gender roles or societal expectations, often focusing on personal goals and self-improvement. The speaker mentions trying to adopt a 'Sigma Male' persona for attention, which ultimately led to more anxiety and discomfort.

💡Attention

Attention refers to the act of focusing one's mind on something or someone. The speaker discusses their desire for attention as a root cause of their anxiety, noting that seeking validation from others often led to feelings of inadequacy and anxiety.

💡Self-Acceptance

Self-Acceptance is the act of approving of oneself and one's actions. The speaker concludes the video by discussing the importance of self-acceptance in managing anxiety, suggesting that accepting oneself and challenging negative thoughts can help reduce anxiety.

💡Nature

Nature refers to the natural world or the environment. The speaker mentions spending time in nature as a way to reflect and understand the root causes of their anxiety, indicating that connecting with nature can be a therapeutic practice.

Highlights

The narrator was an average, extroverted 8-year-old until meeting a kid named Tyler.

Tyler manipulated the narrator into spending time with him, causing anxiety.

An incident with a high-five gone wrong led to increased feelings of victimization.

The narrator's mother intervened by talking to Tyler, resulting in Tyler's anger.

The narrator's anxiety escalated to the point of considering medication.

A camping trip brought back memories of Tyler, increasing anxiety.

The narrator felt a sense of freedom and joy on a football day where he wore face paint.

Watching the movie 'Wonder' resonated with the narrator's own experiences.

The narrator's anxiety was amplified by his parents' arguments.

Basketball became a solace and a place where the narrator felt comfortable.

Starting a YouTube channel provided a sense of validation and comfort.

The narrator felt pressure to be perfect due to his online presence.

The pursuit of a 'sigma male' persona was a misguided attempt to gain attention.

The narrator realized that trying to be someone else only exacerbated his anxiety.

Nature and self-reflection helped the narrator understand the root of his anxiety.

The narrator learned that most of his worries were unfounded.

Despite progress, the narrator acknowledges that anxiety still lingers.

The narrator encourages challenging anxious thoughts and working on self-improvement.

The video concludes with the narrator sharing his ongoing journey with anxiety.

Transcripts

10 years ago I was what you'd call an

average 8-year-old no anxiety extremely

extroverted I wouldn't shut up until I

met this one kid he was my age his name

was Tyler and I got forced to sit next

to Tyler one day in school I was one of

the good kids and he was one of the bad

kids so I had to kind of you influence

his behavior in a positive way then I

started hanging out with Tyler at

lunchtime not because I wanted to but

because he manipulated me

into doing so I tried to run away so

many times and play with my friends who

were playing Tiggy or basketball or

footy whatever it was but he wouldn't

let me he'd either grab me and pull me

back or he'd say something like I don't

know I'm going to bash you or I'm going

to tell your friends that you're

something or whatever so I was forced to

play with him every single lunchtime and

it got to a point where I was running

behind him one day and a grade sixer

came past us and he gave us a high five

but the Great Sixers somehow ended up

hitting my face I don't really know how

it happened and I started crying because

of that not because of it it hurt me it

just felt like I couldn't go anywhere I

was just a [ __ ] victim to everyone at

school I go I cry to the teacher Tyler

called me a [ __ ] the year Sixers I

don't really think they like me anymore

because they probably thought I was a

[ __ ] and it got that bad that I went

home that day talked to my mom about

what had happened she knew that you know

I wasn't really hanging out out with my

friends but I told her it got really bad

so the day maybe after that or a couple

of days after that she came into school

to actually talk to Tyler before school

started so my mom and this Tyler kid

walk into a room which is next to our

classroom they're in there for maybe 5

minutes my mom doesn't really say

anything bad because I'm at the door

listening making sure they don't see me

she doesn't say anything bad but the

Tyler kid walks out of the room

extremely pissed off at me like really

really really

angry and I don't think we talk again

unless we have to he plays alone at

lunch I think he brings another person

along with him and then I go back to

playing with my real

friends he left around a year later

after this I don't think he left because

of me and 2 years or 3 years later I

went on a camp around 3 hours away from

home it was the first Camp I'd ever been

on I was extremely homesick I I hated it

the first day I got there it was in the

woods PE two or three people from my

school I didn't know

anybody and guess who was there

t [ __ ] I walk into to our to our dorm

and I see him in the hallway put my head

down straight away walk into my room and

I just try to avoid him at all costs I

think I avoid him for the first day cuz

there's like hundreds of kids there this

is like the first time I've ever felt

extremely anxious really introverted and

I'll explain how this impacted me

throughout the video second day he sees

me doesn't say a word to me he just

looks at me to his friends who you can

kind of tell like the bad boys right and

they just start

laughing don't know I don't really know

what it was my head was kind of round in

year six that might have been that but I

think it was because of what Tyler had

said to his friends about me properly he

hung around three people at that camp

and one of the friends was it like the

Troublemaker of the camp no one wanted

to [ __ ] with this dude right and I'm

actually pretty good friends with him

now I'm not like good friends with him

but he goes to my school and he

definitely remembers me so that's pretty

funny how um how it all comes around the

camp lasted for 5 days if you go back to

year six and I hated it one of the one

of the worst experiences of my life

because I was in this constant fear of

anxiety wondering what this Tyler kid

would do to me cuz I was so bound to him

doing something to me bro cuz I felt a

lot of regret telling my mom and getting

him really angry because of that after

the camp I feel powerless just [ __ ] like

a nobody and because of this sense of

powerlessness if that's even a word

coupled with a few other events in my

life um which some of you will know of

I'm not going to go into the my face

starts to turn really red because I'm a

really anxious person now everything the

smallest thing makes my face turn

extremely red the Teacher Calls on me in

class Jack she says my name my face

blows like red for no reason right I put

my hand up to to answer a question I'm

really confident in even though I'm

extremely confident in um answering the

question I still go red and people still

laugh at me like what do I do so what do

you do you resort to not

talking that's what you do and when you

develop something like this when you're

12 13 years old it [ __ ] with your whole

life you don't speak you don't learn how

to communicate You're So Below everyone

else everyone else gets ahead of you you

it was the second last day of your six

my face red problem was very very

prevalent but it was footy day this day

so we got to wear face paint so you know

of course I took up the opportunity I

wore face paint so my face wouldn't go

red and it was the only day in probably

around 6 months where I could genuinely

be myself so I was myself for that day

it was one of the most freeing days of

my life one of the most enjoyable days

of my life I won the 500 km trophy which

I'll put up on the screen right now the

day after that it was the last day of

primary school we watched a movie called

Wonder I think it's called Wonder I'm

pretty sure about some kid with a helmet

and his face isn't like a normal face

probably the best way I can put it and I

could relate a lot to this guy his

favorite day of the year was Halloween

because he got to put a mask on his face

that's the same with me my favorite day

of the year was footy day cuz I got to

cover up my face not because it was you

know nothing different but because I

went extremely red I wasn't embarrassed

of being anxious I wasn't embarrassed of

doing something embarrassing I was

embarrassed of doing something

embarrassing and my face going R because

of it hold on I need to take a pier real

quick I'll be

back all right I'm back so the last day

primary school we watch Wonder and all I

did when I got home was kind of you know

be kind of nostalgic but all the

memories I've made at primary school but

I think I watched the Wonder movie again

because I can relate so much to the main

character of it I think I watched a

couple more times in the weekend he was

the only person I could actually relate

to this kid right and I wasn't even you

know I was so blessed to be in the

position I was compared to this guy in

the movie but I just felt so much like

him because all it was was because of my

red face that was it I used to blow up

like a tomato bro and every times

someone would notice at least one person

would notice and they'd say something

about it I watched it again and again

and again over the holidays I don't

really know why I did and I went into

high school now I've mentioned these

stories multiple times in videos you

guys probably know what turned me into

an even more anxious person throughout

high school and especially like the

first week I'm not going to mention them

one thing I will mention that really

kickstarted a lot of things was one day

it was maybe like a couple of weeks I

can't really remember a couple of weeks

3 weeks maybe a month into year seven my

first year of high school I was in

Indonesian class and we had to give a

speech that we'd known so far of the

words we learned like a couple of

sentences maybe in

Indonesia and somehow everybody else

before me did a really good job but I

couldn't remember [ __ ] all I could

remember was Tera mccy which was thank

you and that was the end line

I had to make it there before I even

said

it so I went up there trying to read off

a script and it just sounded so

[ __ ] everyone started laughing you can

tell my face would have blown up red

because the teachers down there the kids

are down

there and now everyone in my high school

knows I go extremely red [ __ ] so this

continues I get laughed at because of it

people stare at me sometimes I put my

head down a lot because I don't want

people to see me right my face goes

extremely r i put my head down everyone

knows I'm hiding it so it gets to a

point where I ask my mom for medication

but my anxiety my

introvertism my shyness is so bad I

thought it was a stupid decision of her

to say no but I'm actually grateful she

didn't because I'll get to it in a

minute but it put me through so much

like

pain in school and I learned so much

from her I even went as far I didn't

actually do it do do this but it was

definitely a thought when my mom said no

about medication and that was putting

makeup on my face just so the makeup

could cover up my cheeks that would go

extremely red and I could finally act

confident that's it that's all I wanted

to be I I didn't care about getting

embarrassed I just cared about looking

embarrassed I see these kids in my

school they're doing the most funky ass

[ __ ] ever and they don't care the G up

in class they give a speech They Don't

Really Care it's a bad speech but they

don't care they act confident I just

wanted that but I couldn't do that while

being embarrassed having my face blow up

and still act like I'm confident it just

wouldn't work it look so weird and to

make matters

worse around the end of year s this was

it kind of happened quite a bit though

my parents started fighting not like

physical stuff but just you know just

just vocal and it really got to me

because my parents were the only people

I could kind of like you know relate to

not really relate to I couldn't really

relate to them but I could feel

comfortable being myself with and now I

was scared to even go out sometimes not

all the time just sometimes um as most

families do I guess they argue sometimes

I just didn't want to leave my

room and this is something I haven't

told in videos before but I think I'm

ready to say it um you know this affect

this affected me quite a bit this

affected me a lot bro more than I've

ever said cuz I've always been scared of

saying it but I'm older now so I can say

it nothing bad but it just Amplified my

anxiety a lot I I was an extreme

introvert now extremely shy around

people so year eight started and all I

have is myself and basketball that's it

it's all I have that's that's and maybe

you know sometimes I feel myself around

my friends sometimes I do sometimes I

feel okay at school right cuz maybe

we're playing Sport and my face is

already red from running around so who

cares if it goes red that's the only

time I felt comfortable went through

year eight and I started my YouTube

channel at the start of 2021 as most of

you know I'm not going to repeat the

same stories I've told multiple times

but I kind of have to say this for the

point of the video I was averaging about

a subscriber a day and that subscriber

would

make one was one of the only things that

made me feel comfortable in the last

like 2 years except seeing progress in

basketball and ping beating people in

basketball the only comfort I really saw

was actually seeing the subscribers I

know it's bad you shouldn't you know

look at the metric and the comments and

the likes on when you go on a YouTube

channel but it was the only thing that

actually put a smile on my

face because I actually feel like people

valued me I this sounds like I'm being a

massive victim trust me I'm not

preaching this mindset I'm just simply

portraying or speaking from the

perspective of my 15-year-old self

that's all I'm doing this is what

motivated me honestly seeing those

comments right seeing those likes it's

that one like I got a dislike one time

and it really hurt me despite the follow

count I still cared a lot about what

people think I think I got to around

100K on Tik Tok and I thought that would

have solved all my problems I'm I'm kind

of Tik Tok famous now nothing can affect

me but really only made it worse because

I put an element of perfection on myself

now I had to be perfect because I had

followers I had to be better than other

people right so I only put more anxiety

on me so as you can kind of Imagine

because of this you know Perfection that

I have to live up to or I believe I have

to live up to I grew really attached to

these like Sigma

edits like you know the Patrick bitman

edits the Andrew Tate edits you know the

sigma type of stuff the real masculine

or you know I'm not going call it toxic

masculinity but masculinity that goes a

bit too far I'll just call it that I

started putting my hands like this in

class I started being really you know my

posture was perfect which I guess is a

good thing but it was just over

analytical I wouldn't smile anymore cuz

I was that you know tough dude it was a

completely different me I didn't get

attention for that if anything I just

got looked down upon even more and I

only acted like this Sigma male for

attention cuz of my deepest insecurities

I lacked attention when I was younger so

I wanted more of it I needed to be this

Sigma male it only made everything worse

because at least I could kind of relate

to people when I was trying to be myself

I was smiling cuz I've always been a big

Smiler in my life so over time I started

to realize that that's not the way to do

things it's not really going to help

help anything you might as well just try

your best to be a little bit yourself

start smiling more bro start with this

[ __ ] grind set [ __ ] you're sitting

there in

class like try not to smile try not to

laugh like what the [ __ ] is that you

know I was I was a bit of a dumbass and

this time last year I shared a video

about my anxiety actually it was another

video on anxiety I I didn't go as deep

as this video but I shared some of my

you know past experiences on it and a

lot of people actually related to me it

was like the one of the First videos

I've actually made where I've shared my

story about my anxiety growing up it was

maybe a quarter of this video this video

is going to be a lot

longer and I could actually relate to

people cuz I thought I was the only one

no one at my school my school isn't very

big like at the time there was maybe 120

kids in my year level now cuz I'm in

year 12 is maybe like 70 or 60 lot less

now but there was a lot more back then

maybe one other

person or looked like they experienced

the same level of anxiety as me but I

always thought I had it worse and seeing

these comments you know I'll read the

comments on this video as well on that

video it was 11 months ago I think at

this point yeah I felt not alone anymore

[ __ ] other people actually experience

this other people's faces go red other

people feel anxious at school holy [ __ ]

of course they do you know it's it's

common sense when you think about it but

I at the time thought I was the only one

so after hearing these comments and the

stories of people who have escaped this

anxiety it's gotten a whole lot better

oh cuz I was better at this time I was

better but I was it was still affecting

me the anxiety was still getting to me

and it still is I'll get to that in a

minute I went out in nature for like 3

hours per day on the school holidays you

know last this time last year and I kind

of just studied what the hell was wrong

with me why the hell was I so anxious

like got the root cause of it I always

wanted attention I just wanted to be I

just wanted to feel loved I I wanted to

have high status that's it yeah it's

tough to admit it is and it took a while

for me to admit that to myself I just

want attention cuz it just feels like

you're

weak but you you'd rather tell yourself

that hard truth or that harsh truth than

Let It Go and lie to yourself the rest

of your entire life yeah that definitely

helps me and I go through this year of

what it's been so far and I'm pretty

good

I as I've say in multiple videos I can't

really relate to a lot of people at my

school just because I don't really do

the things they do you know I'm just

making content replying to comments

reading books studying school that's

really it's all really all I'm doing and

recording videos so I can't really

relate to a lot of people my age which

yeah affects the anxiety a lot more but

I'm definitely better I definitely

realized that the mind isn't as smart as

you think it is it's a very dumb your

anxiety 90% of what you worry about will

never happen and that's just a fact the

mind is very dumb people aren't thinking

about you as much as you think they are

you know just just the basic things you

know everyone has this same mindset as

you it might not be Amplified as much as

you this is this these are the things

I've realized over the years and I'm

telling to

myself but everybody thinks about

themself more than they think about you

and it's something that I can tell

myself all the

time but the the anxiety is still there

bro you know the anxiety is still there

I can tell myself these quotes it's

never going to happen people aren't

thinking about

you people's other people's opinions

don't matter I can say this to myself

all I want but the anxiety will still be

there because I always I have always

wanted

attention I

have it's definitely gotten better I've

learned to give myself more

attention and I'd say 90 90% of the time

I'm fine without a lot of attention from

other people

right but sometimes it sneaks

in sometimes it does sometimes I feel

[ __ ] sometimes I start comparing myself

to people and sometimes when I'm around

a group of people who I don't relate to

I get very very anxious cuz I want their

attention I've not mastered myself I'm

not perfect bro I'm not so you're

probably expecting some amazing ending

some trick or tip I gave myself that

rided my

anxiety it's got definitely gotten

better by working on myself you know

putting time to my craft making videos

like these improving my communication

skills but bro it's still there and

please don't take this video like I'm a

victim I'm simply sharing my own

experience I'm extremely blessed I'm

extremely blessed with this anxiety it's

t it's taught me so much trust me if

you're in my position it gets [ __ ]

better it does gets better trust me

always does it's getting better by the

day for me all right you just got to

challenge those thoughts man challenge

those thought if you're a girl watching

this video just challenge those thoughts

every single day I took some notes to

this video just some so I didn't go off

track um and the other thing I said was

as long as your actions reflect the

character you wish to have there's no

reason why everything won't work out

that's it hope this helped I don't know

it probably didn't I probably just

yapped I don't even know if I'll upload

this the [ __ ] who cares I'll catch you

in the next one peace