Is it lust or is it love? | Terri Orbuch | TEDxOaklandUniversity

Summary

In this insightful talk, the speaker explores the differences between lust and love, highlighting that lust is driven by physical attraction and idealization, while love is marked by oxytocin production, emotional bonding, and mutuality. She offers four cues to distinguish between the two and suggests three strategies to rekindle lust in long-term relationships: engaging in novel activities, adding surprise and mystery, and participating in arousal-producing activities together.

Takeaways

• 💓 The initial stage of a relationship often involves intense emotions and physiological responses, similar to an obsession with the new partner.
• 🔍 There are four distinct signs to differentiate between lust and love, suggesting they are fundamentally different experiences.
• 🧠 Lust is characterized by physical and sexual attraction, leading to an idealization of the partner and a 'love is blind' phenomenon.
• 💔 Over time, lust naturally declines in romantic relationships, but it can be reignited with effort.
• ❤️ Love is associated with the hormone oxytocin, which promotes relaxation, emotional bonding, and closeness.
• 🤝 A sign of love is the desire for a partner to connect with important people in one's life and to be integrated into one's social circles.
• 👥 The use of 'we' language over 'I' language indicates a deeper connection and intertwining of lives, characteristic of love.
• 🗣️ Self-disclosure is a key aspect of love, where individuals share deeper, more personal information with their partners.
• 💭 The influence one person has on another's decisions and actions is a strong indicator of being in love.
• 🌟 To reignite lust in a long-term relationship, engaging in new and novel activities can recreate the excitement of the early stages.
• 🎩 Adding surprise and mystery to a relationship can enhance lust, by reintroducing the 'wow' factor that was present at the beginning.
• 🏋️‍♀️ Arousal-producing activities, like exercise or thrilling experiences, can transfer the adrenaline rush to the relationship, boosting passion.

Q & A

What is the 'wild and out-of-control feeling' described at the beginning of a new relationship?

The 'wild and out-of-control feeling' refers to the intense emotions experienced at the start of a new relationship, where one may find themselves unable to eat, sleep, or focus on anything else due to constant thoughts of the other person, a racing heart, and an adrenaline rush when seeing them.

What is the difference between lust and love according to the speaker's research?

Lust is characterized by physical and sexual attraction, producing a continuous sexual desire and idealizing the partner. Love, on the other hand, is a profound emotion with a physiological foundation, producing oxytocin which promotes relaxation, emotional bonding, and closeness.

How does lust affect our perception of a new partner?

Lust can make us blind to the partner's flaws, as we tend to idealize them and see them as who we want them to be rather than who they truly are.

What happens to lust over time in a romantic relationship?

Lust declines in all romantic relationships over time. However, if the relationship continues, lust can potentially turn into love.

What are the four signs that differentiate lust from love?

The four signs are connection, 'we' language, self-disclosure, and mutual influence. Connection involves wanting the partner to be part of your social circle, 'we' language refers to thinking and speaking as a couple, self-disclosure is about sharing deep personal information, and mutual influence means significant decisions and experiences are shared and considered together.

How can the lustful desire in a long-term relationship be reignited?

Lust can be reignited by doing new and novel activities together, adding elements of surprise and mystery, and engaging in arousal-producing activities that can transfer the excitement to the relationship.

Why is it important to introduce a partner to friends and family when in love?

Introducing a partner to friends and family when in love is important because it shows a desire for the partner to be connected with all the important people in your life, which is a sign of wanting to integrate them into your social circle.

What does the use of 'we' language indicate in a relationship?

The use of 'we' language indicates that the lives of two people are intertwined and they consider themselves as a couple rather than separate individuals, which is a sign of being in love.

How does self-disclosure differ between lust and love?

In lust, self-disclosure is limited to superficial aspects, while in love, it involves sharing deep, personal, and intimate information, essentially going to the core of who you are.

What is the role of oxytocin in the context of love?

Oxytocin, produced when in love, triggers relaxation and promotes emotional bonding and closeness, which is the opposite effect of the 'wild sex hormones' associated with lust.

How can engaging in arousal-producing activities help rekindle lust in a relationship?

Engaging in activities that produce arousal, such as exercising together or going on a roller-coaster ride, can transfer the excitement and adrenaline rush to the partner or the relationship, tricking the brain into associating that arousal with the partner.

Outlines

00:00

💘 The Intense Beginnings of Relationships

The speaker, an expert in romance and relationships, discusses the overwhelming feelings experienced at the start of a new relationship, often described as an obsession. These feelings are characterized by physical and emotional arousal, which can lead to a state of constant preoccupation with the new partner. The speaker introduces the concept that there are distinct signs to differentiate between lust and love, promising to reveal these signs to help individuals understand their feelings better.

05:01

🔍 Differentiating Lust from Love

The speaker explains the difference between lust, which is driven by physical and sexual attraction, and love, which is a deeper emotional connection. Lust is associated with idealizing the partner and a decline of interest over time, while love is marked by the production of oxytocin, promoting relaxation and bonding. The speaker outlines four cues to distinguish between the two: connection with important people in one's life, the use of 'we' language, self-disclosure at a deeper level, and mutual influence on each other's lives and decisions.

10:03

💡 Reigniting the Passion in Long-Term Relationships

The speaker suggests that while lust naturally declines in long-term relationships, it can be reignited. To do this, one can engage in new and novel activities with the partner to recreate the excitement of the early stages of the relationship. The element of surprise and mystery can also enhance lust, as can engaging in activities that produce arousal, which can then be transferred to the relationship itself.

15:06

🎢 Strategies for Rekindling Lustful Desire

The speaker provides three specific strategies to rekindle lust in a relationship: engaging in new experiences, introducing surprise and mystery, and participating in arousal-producing activities together. These strategies are based on the premise that the excitement and novelty of the early stages of a relationship can be reintroduced to reignite the passion. The speaker emphasizes that while lust is enjoyable, it is love that forms the lasting bond in long-term relationships, characterized by interconnectedness, mutuality, and self-disclosure.

Keywords

💡Lust

Lust is a strong sexual desire or attraction towards someone, often characterized by physical and sexual arousal. In the context of the video, lust is described as the initial intense and overwhelming feeling at the beginning of a new relationship, which can lead to an obsession-like state where one's thoughts are dominated by the other person. The script mentions that lust is driven by sex hormones and can cause people to idealize their partners, overlooking their flaws.

💡Love

Love, in the video, is portrayed as a profound emotion with a physiological foundation, distinct from lust. It is associated with the production of the hormone oxytocin, which promotes relaxation, emotional bonding, and closeness. Love is seen as the glue that holds long-term relationships together, characterized by interconnectedness, mutuality, and interdependence. The script contrasts love with lust, emphasizing that while lust may fade, love can deepen and sustain a relationship over time.

💡Connection

Connection, as discussed in the script, refers to the desire for one's partner to be integrated into all aspects of one's life, including friendships and family relationships. It is one of the four signs used to differentiate love from lust. When in love, individuals want their partners to connect with the important people in their lives, indicating a deeper level of emotional investment and a sense of unity with their partner.

💡We Language

The term 'we language' is used to describe the way couples in love refer to themselves as a unit rather than as separate individuals. It signifies a high level of togetherness and shared identity. In the script, the shift from 'I' language to 'we' language is presented as a sign of love, indicating that the couple's lives are intertwined and they consider themselves as a pair rather than just individuals.

💡Self-Disclosure

Self-disclosure is the act of revealing personal information about oneself to another. In the context of the video, it is a key aspect of love, where individuals feel motivated to share extensive and intimate details about their lives, dreams, aspirations, and even secrets with their partners. The script uses the metaphor of an onion to illustrate the depth of self-disclosure, with love leading to the sharing of deeper, more personal layers.

💡Influence

Influence, in the video, is presented as a mutual impact that partners have on each other's decisions and lives when they are in love. It is one of the signs to distinguish love from lust. The script explains that in a loving relationship, partners consider each other's perspectives and needs before making significant life choices, and they provide support and share in each other's experiences, both good and bad.

💡Hormones

Hormones are chemical messengers in the body that regulate various physiological processes, including sexual desire and emotional bonding. The script discusses how lust is associated with the production of 'sex hormones' that create a state of arousal, while love is linked to oxytocin, which promotes relaxation and bonding. The hormonal differences are used to explain the distinct experiences of lust and love.

💡Idealize

To idealize someone means to perceive them as perfect or better than they actually are, often overlooking their flaws. In the script, idealization is described as a characteristic of lust, where a person in a new relationship may not see their partner's faults due to the intense feelings of attraction and desire.

💡Arousal

Arousal, in the context of the video, refers to the state of physiological or emotional excitement, particularly in relation to sexual desire (as in lust) or the excitement from engaging in novel activities (as a way to rekindle lust). The script explains how the initial arousal in a relationship can decline over time but can be reignited through various strategies.

💡Mutuality

Mutuality is the concept of shared interests, goals, and a sense of partnership. In the video, it is highlighted as a characteristic of love, where both partners in a relationship consider themselves as a 'we' or 'us', indicating a deep level of interconnectedness and interdependence. The script uses the term to illustrate the overlap in the lives of two people in love.

💡Rekindle

To rekindle means to revive or restart something that has faded or died down, such as a feeling or a relationship. In the script, rekindle is used in the context of reigniting the lustful desire in a long-term loving relationship. The speaker suggests strategies like engaging in new activities, adding surprise and mystery, and participating in arousal-producing activities to rekindle the passion.

Highlights

The speaker has studied romance and relationship patterns for 28 years and identified a common intense feeling at the start of new relationships.

This feeling of being out-of-control at the beginning of a relationship is likened to an obsession.

The speaker differentiates between lust and love, stating they are completely different states.

Lust is characterized by physical and sexual attraction, leading to a continuous desire for the other person.

In lust, partners are often idealized, not seen for who they truly are.

Lust can decline in a relationship, but can be reignited through certain behaviors.

Love is associated with the hormone oxytocin, promoting relaxation and emotional bonding.

Four cues are provided to distinguish lust from love: connection, 'we' language, self-disclosure, and mutual influence.

In love, partners want to connect with each other's friends and family, and be integrated into each other's lives.

Couples in love use 'we' language, indicating a sense of unity and shared experiences.

Self-disclosure in love involves sharing deep personal information, unlike in lust where it's more superficial.

In love, one person's decisions and experiences significantly influence the other, showing interdependence.

The speaker suggests three behaviors to reignite lust in a long-term relationship: new activities, surprise, and arousal-producing activities.

Engaging in new and novel activities with a partner can recreate the excitement of the early stages of a relationship.

Adding surprise and mystery to a relationship can enhance lust by reintroducing the 'wow' factor.

Arousal-producing activities, such as exercising or watching a scary movie together, can transfer the adrenaline rush to the relationship.

While lust is fun, it is love that acts as the glue in long-term relationships, characterized by interconnectedness and mutuality.

The speaker encourages combining both lust and love in a relationship for a fulfilling and passionate connection.

Transcripts

Transcriber: Tijana Mihajlović Reviewer: Ivana Krivokuća

I've been studying the romance and relationship patterns

of literally thousands of people for the past 28 years,

and one thing I have found, or one thing I know,

is that most of us have experienced that wild and out-of-control feeling

at the beginning of a new relationship.

You know what it's like

where you can't eat, you can't sleep, you can't get anything done

because you're constantly thinking about this person.

Your heart's racing,

you feel that adrenaline rush when you see the other person,

and basically, you just want to be with that person.

It's almost like an obsession.

I bet if I asked you to close your eyes,

you could definitely think back

and remember that powerful and amazing feeling

that affects us physiologically.

I know I can,

and I've been married for 22 years.

But when we're in that heightened arousal state

at the beginning of a new romance,

many of us step back and ask the question:

"What am I feeling?

Am I in lust or am I in love? Is it lust or is it love?"

What if I told you that you'll never have to wonder again,

because there are four specific signs that differentiate lust from love,

and the two states, lust and love, are completely different from one another.

That would be wonderful, right?

So let's start with lust.

When you're drawn to someone,

based solely on physical and sexual arousal or attraction,

that's lust.

You're filled with sexual desire that doesn't stop,

and all of those sex hormones are being produced in your body

at an alarming rate; you have sex on the brain.

Also, when we're in that heightened state of arousal

at a new relationship, or in a new relationship,

we glorify or idealize our partner.

We don't see them for who they really are.

And in fact,

we see them for who we want them to be or need them to be.

You've heard the phrase "love is blind"?

Well, at the beginning of a new romance, lust makes you blind.

You're impressed

by everything and anything your partner does or says.

In fact, it doesn't even matter

that she has all of her stuffed animals on the bed, plus a few pillows,

or that he has absolutely no idea what a hanger is used for.

You don't see it. It doesn't bother you.

But as time goes on in a relationship,

those same behaviors, those exact same behaviors,

become annoying and irritating to you,

and it's at that point in time that you begin to see

this other person for who they really are; flaws, faults, and everything.

And by the way, yes, we all have flaws or faults.

None of us is perfect.

But at this point in time, lust declines.

And I'm really sorry to disappoint you,

but my research shows that lust declines in all romantic relationships.

It's an inevitable part of all romantic relationships.

I know. Sorry about that. Don't shoot the messenger.

(Laughter)

But can lust be reignited in a long-term loving relationship?

Absolutely!

My work with couples confirms that,

and we're going to talk about how to do that in a few minutes.

But for the moment, it's just important to understand

that lust declines in all romantic relationships,

and if you stay with that relationship, lust can turn into love.

Love it also a profound emotion, and has a physiological foundation as well.

When we're in love, we produce the hormone oxytocin,

which triggers relaxation

and promotes emotional bonding and closeness.

But that's actually the opposite to those wild sex hormones

that ignited all that lust in our body.

Besides the hormonal differences between lust and love,

there are also four cues that you can use to distinguish lust from love.

The first sign is what I call connection.

When you're in love, you want your partner to connect

with all the important people in your life.

You want them to spend time with,

to like, hang out with your friends and family.

You want to show off them to your friends and family,

and you want your friends and family to be impressed by this other person.

Also, you don't keep them to yourself,

but you bring them out and introduce them to your interests again

and the people who are important to you.

The second sign

is when you use "we" language rather than "I" language.

It turns out that when two people are in love,

their lives are intertwined,

and they begin to think of themselves not as separate individuals anymore,

but instead, as a couple.

And the more intertwined these two people's lives are,

the more overlap in their lives, their friends, their interests,

and in their circles in this diagram.

And the more overlap between their lives, the more mutuality.

Mutuality is when we refer to ourselves as a couple,

as an "us" or "we", rather than as an "I", or this other person.

So, for example, if I asked you what you were doing last weekend,

if you were in love, you would tell me, "We went out to dinner",

"We went to the movies", or "We went up north for the weekend",

rather than,"I took Sandy to the movies, and then I went out to dinner",

or "I went up north".

So, if you want to distinguish between lust or love,

look at your language,

and the degree to which you use "we" versus "I" statements.

The third sign is self-disclosure,

what you tell this other person about you.

Love motivates us

to reveal extensive information about ourselves to this other person.

When we're in love, we want to tell this person

about our dreams, our aspirations, our goals, the past, the future.

Sometimes we tell them confidential information,

and sometimes we tell them all of our secrets

that we've never told anyone before.

When we think about self-disclosure in a relationship,

you want to think about an onion.

The outer layers of an onion represent

the superficial aspects to us as an individual,

and as you peel away the layers of the onion,

you get at the core of who you are.

You get deeper,

and there's more information about you as an individual,

personal and intimate information.

So, when you're in lust, you only peel away a few of those layers.

You tell this other person maybe about your interest,

your hobbies, movie, or music preferences, but that's it.

You don't go to the deep core of you.

When you're in love, you go straight to the core.

You share information that has more breadth, more topics,

but each topic also is deeper, more personal in nature.

You go straight to the core.

So, if you want to distinguish between lust and love,

look at what you're talking about

and how many topics with this other person.

The last and fourth sign is that you influence one another.

When two people are in love,

what one person does or wants to do, influences the other person

in meaningful and strong ways.

For example, if you were thinking

about moving to a different state because of a new job,

or you were considering any big change in your life,

you would want to go to your partner before you make a decision.

Likewise, if you had something happened to you -

a medical scare, you actually lost your job,

or the death of a family member -

you would want to go to this person to get social support, assistance.

You would want help from this person.

Or, if you had something good happened to you -

you won the lottery, or you got an award at work -

you again would go to this person

because you would want them to share the good news.

And they actually would celebrate with you.

So, lust and love are completely different from one another,

and couples have a very difficult time

maintaining that urgent longing we call lust over the long-term.

Can you recreate that lust?

Absolutely!

My research shows

that if you add three behaviors to your loving long-term relationship,

you can reignite or rekindle that lustful desire.

And those three behaviors turn out to be the same behaviors

that ignited the lust when you first met that person.

So, if you mirror the beginnings of your relationship,

you can add lust, rekindle that passion in your relationship.

The first strategy to rekindle or recreate the lust

is to do new and novel activities with your partner,

because newness creates excitement.

Think about it.

At the beginning of your relationship,

everything was a new experience for the two of you.

Everything was new and novel.

Every date you went on, every restaurant you ate at

was a new experience for the two of you,

and that created the excitement, and created all of that arousal.

But then, as time went on, the newness wears off.

So if you want to recreate that lust,

you need to find new and exciting things to do with your partner.

That can be as simple as going to a new restaurant

in a different part of the city that you've never been to.

You can try skating, skiing, or snowboarding

for the first time with your partner.

Boy, I have winter on the brain, don't I?

Or, you can, like my husband and I did, sign up for a cooking class.

Neither of us had done it separately, and we did it together,

which fueled the lust.

Anything new will recreate that beginning feeling.

The second strategy that you want to do is to use the element of surprise,

and add a little bit of mystery to your relationship,

because mystery and surprise enhances lust.

The idea is you want that "oh, wow!" factor, right?

You want that to be recreated in your loving long-term relationship.

Again, think back.

At the beginning,

everything was different and interesting that you were learning about your partner.

Yes, she told you that she had a pet snake when she was growing up,

and you went, "What? Wow! Now that's interesting!",

or that he was closest to his grandmother growing up,

and you asked a lot of questions, because that was fascinating to you.

Any new or different, interesting, mysterious, surprising information

refuels that passion and lust.

But then, as time goes on in a relationship,

you begin to really know your partner, almost too well.

You know what they like to do on Sundays, you know that she snores when she sleeps,

and he chews with his mouth open, and he doesn't like the color pink.

You really get to know your partner.

And while that's wonderful,

because that intimate knowledge builds love, it extinguishes lust.

So you again need to add the element of surprise and mystery.

And yes, all of what you're thinking about there

regarding lingerie and roleplaying is adding mystery to your relationship.

(Laughter)

But, you can also do other things.

You can go to your partner's place of work

and whisk them away for lunch, or after work for dinner,

or you can send him a flirty text message in the middle of the afternoon.

One of the wives in my long-term study on marriage and divorce

said that she took her husband on a treasure hunt,

and he went all around the city without her,

but she left these little notes in each spot,

and he found the experience surprising and full of adventure,

and she said it added a little spice to their relationship afterwards.

The third and final way to rekindle that lust

is to do what I call arousal producing activities.

This is my favorite suggestion, but it's not what you think -

I see you all smiling and smirking out there -

(Laughter)

it's actually clean.

(Laughter)

What relationship scientists have learned is that

if you do an arousal producing activity with your partner,

that that arousal or that adrenaline rush

that's produced through this other activity,

the arousal can actually get transferred to your partner and your relationship.

It's almost like you're tricking your brain

to attributing or associating that arousal due to another activity

to your partner or to your relationship.

So, what am I really talking about then when I say "arousal producing activities"?

There are lots of things you can do.

You can exercise with one another side by side.

You can watch a comedy show, a scary movie.

You can even ride a roller-coaster ride at an amusement park.

In fact, if you go on any scary ride at an amusement park,

you can rekindle that passion by having the arousal due to the ride

transferred to your partner or your relationship.

Now, just make sure, though, that you go with your partner,

because if you do it with someone else,

the arousal might get transferred to that other person,

and not your relationship.

(Laughter)

So, in the end, lust and love are very different,

but moments of passion

are the highlights of our lives and of our relationships.

In fact, ask anyone about the experience,

and they'll definitely remember,

and they have a little smile on their face.

And don't get me wrong,

I think lust is fun and wonderful,

but lust is not the glue

that keeps long-term relationships together and happy.

The glue that keeps people bonded over time is actually love.

And love is also a profound experience,

but it is characterized by interconnectedness, by mutuality,

by interdependence, and lots of self-disclosure.

You do not have to have lust without love,

and you don't have to have love without lust.

They don't have to be mutually exclusive in your relationship.

You can recreate that lustful desire -

and I love saying that word, lustful desire -

in your loving long-term relationship.

It's simple, it's easy, it's amazing.

What are you waiting for? Go do it!

Thank you.

(Applause)