How to fix the exhausted brain | Brady Wilson | TEDxMississauga

Summary

The speaker shares a personal story of conflict and reconciliation, setting the stage for a deeper dive into the transformative power of stepping into 'the space between.' Through the narrative of Paula and her manager Ziad, the talk explores how understanding and addressing what truly matters to individuals can energize brains, leading to improved performance and well-being. The speaker emphasizes the importance of connecting on a personal level to unlock the potential within others, using the principles of neurobiology to illustrate the impact of hormones like oxytocin, dopamine, and serotonin on motivation and creativity.

Takeaways

• 😌 The speaker positions the audience as heroes on a journey to discover a transformative gift.
• 👫 A personal story is used to illustrate the concept of 'the space between', highlighting the speaker's long-standing experience in mediating conflicts.
• 🏭 The narrative describes a common scenario in North American workplaces where employees are engaged but exhausted, and dedicated but depleted.
• 🧠 The human brain's high energy consumption is emphasized, explaining why mental depletion can lead to a loss of executive function.
• 💡 The importance of executive function for focus, emotion regulation, and smart decision-making is highlighted, and how depletion can negatively impact these abilities.
• 🤔 The story of Paula and her manager Ziad is introduced to demonstrate the journey from depletion to energized brains through support and understanding.
• 🤝 The power of stepping into 'the space between' is presented as a means to understand and energize others, starting with Paula's desire for more challenges at work.
• 🧐 The significance of asking what matters most to an individual in a given situation, rather than assuming, is shown through Ziad's approach with Paula.
• 🚀 The release of hormones like oxytocin, dopamine, and serotonin in response to connection, possibility, and progress is discussed as a way to energize brains.
• 🤝 The role of partnering for progress is underscored as a way to unlock potential and motivate individuals, as seen in Paula's improved performance.
• 👣 The common mistake of putting oneself in another's shoes with preconceived notions is identified as a barrier to truly understanding and supporting others.

Q & A

What is the main theme of the speaker's talk?

The main theme of the speaker's talk is about understanding and stepping into 'the space between' to unlock the potential for personal and professional growth and transformation.

Why did the speaker believe she could help the audience become heroes?

The speaker believes she can help the audience become heroes by guiding them through a journey of self-discovery and understanding, where they can find a gift that could change their world.

What was the conflict between the speaker's two older brothers?

The conflict between the speaker's two older brothers was a vicious fight that led them to vow never to speak to each other again for several years.

How did the speaker's mother secretly show love to her estranged son Mark?

The speaker's mother secretly baked cinnamon buns and asked the speaker to deliver them to Mark, along with a message of love.

What was Paula's initial state when she started her job?

Paula initially started her job as a high performer, highly engaged, and wanting to contribute to the organization.

What happened to Paula after the reorganization of her company?

After the reorganization, Paula lost the support, guidance, and coaching she needed, leading to exhaustion and a depleted brain.

What is the significance of the brain being 'metabolically expensive'?

The brain being 'metabolically expensive' means it consumes a large portion of the body's energy reserves, 20 percent every day, which is more than any other organ.

What is the first cognitive function to be affected when the brain is depleted?

The first cognitive function to be affected when the brain is depleted is the executive function, which includes focus, emotion regulation, and decision-making.

What is Ziad's initial approach to helping Paula, and why does it fail?

Ziad's initial approach is to take things off Paula's plate to alleviate her stress. It fails because it is a parenting approach rather than a partnering approach, and it does not address what truly matters to Paula.

What is the key to understanding what matters most to someone in a given situation?

The key to understanding what matters most to someone in a given situation is to simply ask them what is most important to them in that context.

How did Ziad's approach change after learning about the importance of understanding what matters most to Paula?

After learning about the importance of understanding what matters most, Ziad started giving Paula more challenges at work, which she desired, and supported her in meeting those challenges, leading to her success.

What are the hormones that play a significant role in the brain's response to connection, possibility, and progress?

The hormones that play a significant role are oxytocin, which is released during connection; dopamine, which is released when sensing possibility; and serotonin, which flows when making progress.

Why do people often fail to connect on what matters most to others?

People often fail to connect on what matters most to others because they put themselves in others' shoes with their own assumptions and judgments, rather than genuinely seeking to understand the other person's perspective.

What is the impact of truly understanding and connecting with someone's story?

Truly understanding and connecting with someone's story can significantly elevate one's energy level and create a deeper sense of rapport and engagement.

Outlines

00:00

🌟 The Power of the Space Between

The speaker begins by setting the stage for a transformative journey, positioning the audience as heroes who will discover a life-changing gift. They recount a childhood story involving a fight between their brothers, which led to years of estrangement and the speaker being caught in the middle, a 'space between.' This experience shaped their understanding of the potential within such spaces. The speaker promises to share a story about Paula and her manager, Ziad, illustrating the transition from depleted to energized brains, emphasizing the importance of stepping into the space between to unlock personal and professional growth.

05:00

🧠 The Depleted Brain and Executive Function

This section delves into the consequences of a depleted brain on executive function. The speaker explains that the human brain, despite its small size relative to body weight, consumes a significant portion of our daily energy. When individuals are exhausted yet engaged, they lose access to critical cognitive functions, leading to poor decision-making and an inability to focus or regulate emotions. The speaker uses the story of Paula, whose lack of support at work led to her feeling depleted and her performance suffering, to highlight the widespread issue of engagement without the necessary resources to sustain it.

10:03

🤝 The Transformative Impact of Understanding What Matters Most

The narrative shifts to Ziad, Paula's new manager, who initially takes a parental approach to managing Paula's stress and absenteeism, which proves ineffective. After attending a session on brain energizing, Ziad learns about the importance of identifying what deeply matters to an individual in any given situation. He realizes that for Paula, it's about significance and the desire to be seen as a high performer. By asking Paula directly what matters most to her, Ziad shifts his approach, leading to a more fulfilling and productive relationship that reinvigorates Paula's engagement and contribution to the organization.

15:05

🚀 Hormonal Drivers of High Performance and Connection

The speaker explores the hormonal responses that drive high performance and connection, referencing the work of Dr. Loretta Breuning and the Mammal Institute. They explain how oxytocin, dopamine, and serotonin play crucial roles in creating trust, motivation, and a sense of achievement. The speaker uses the story of Paula and Ziad's evolving relationship to illustrate how understanding and acting on what matters most can trigger these hormones, leading to a more engaged and productive work environment. The section concludes with the transformative power of simple, empathetic questions and the profound effect they can have on personal and professional interactions.

💔 The Misstep of Assuming and the Power of Genuine Inquiry

In the final paragraph, the speaker reflects on the common mistake of assuming we know what others need or want by putting ourselves in their shoes. They share a personal anecdote about their son Tyler's accident and the varying responses from friends, highlighting the importance of genuine inquiry over assumptions. The speaker emphasizes that people often leave our presence feeling either engaged or depleted, and it's through asking what truly matters to them that we can foster deeper connections and more effectively support their needs.

Keywords

💡Hero

In the context of the video, 'hero' refers to the individual who embarks on a transformative journey and discovers a gift that can change their world. The speaker positions the audience as heroes by implying they will gain insights that can positively impact their lives. The concept is used to inspire and motivate the audience to engage with the content of the talk.

💡Space Between

The 'space between' is a metaphor used by the speaker to describe the area of conflict or tension that exists in various situations, such as the conflict between the speaker's brothers or the space between an employee and their manager. It is a central theme of the video, illustrating the potential for growth and understanding that can arise from navigating these spaces.

💡Depleted Brain

A 'depleted brain' in the video refers to a state where an individual's cognitive resources are exhausted, often due to stress, lack of support, or overwork. This concept is integral to the video's message, as it discusses the negative impact of a depleted brain on performance and the importance of addressing this state to enhance productivity and well-being.

💡Executive Function

The 'executive function' encompasses a set of cognitive processes that include decision-making, attention, and emotional regulation. In the video, it is highlighted as the first cognitive function to be affected when the brain is depleted, affecting an individual's ability to make smart decisions and focus, which is crucial for personal and professional success.

💡Engaged but Exhausted

The term 'engaged but exhausted' describes a state where individuals are committed and dedicated to their work but are also experiencing burnout due to overexertion or lack of resources. This concept is used in the video to depict a common issue in the workplace, emphasizing the need for support and a change in approach to prevent depletion.

💡Parenting vs. Partnering

The video contrasts 'parenting' with 'partnering' as two different approaches a manager can take with their employees. Parenting implies a top-down, authoritative approach, while partnering suggests a collaborative and supportive relationship. The speaker advocates for the latter as a more effective way to energize and motivate employees.

💡Significance

In the video, 'significance' is presented as a core motivator for individuals, referring to the desire to make a meaningful impact through one's work. It is a key concept as it helps explain why providing challenges and opportunities for growth, as opposed to simply reducing workload, can be more energizing for employees like Paula.

💡Oxytocin

Oxytocin is a hormone that promotes trust, rapport, and bonding when released in the brain. The video discusses oxytocin in the context of creating connections between individuals, which can be particularly important in the workplace for fostering a sense of community and trust.

💡Dopamine

Dopamine is a neurotransmitter associated with motivation, creativity, and the pleasure derived from achieving goals. The video highlights the role of dopamine in energizing the brain when individuals perceive possibilities and opportunities, which can be leveraged to enhance performance and engagement.

💡Serotonin

Serotonin is another neurotransmitter that contributes to feelings of well-being, confidence, and accomplishment. In the video, it is mentioned in relation to the positive feedback loop of making progress and being valued, which can boost an individual's self-efficacy and motivation.

💡Empathy

Empathy, while not explicitly mentioned in the script, is a concept that underlies the speaker's approach to understanding and connecting with others. It involves putting oneself in another's shoes without imposing one's own judgments or solutions, which is crucial for effective communication and support in relationships.

Highlights

The speaker positions the audience as the hero of the journey, setting the stage for an empowering narrative.

A personal story is shared to provide context, illustrating the concept of 'the space between' where transformative work occurs.

The speaker's childhood experience with family conflict and its resolution is used to draw parallels to workplace dynamics.

The importance of stepping into the 'space between' to understand and leverage the power of transformative moments is emphasized.

Paula's story is introduced as a case study to demonstrate the transition from a depleted to an energized brain state in the workplace.

The impact of organizational restructure on employee engagement and the resulting feelings of depletion are discussed.

The brain's high energy consumption and its implications for cognitive function when an individual is exhausted are explained.

The concept of executive function and its role in decision-making is introduced, highlighting its vulnerability to mental depletion.

Ziad's initial approach as Paula's manager is critiqued, illustrating the shift from a parenting to a partnering mindset in leadership.

The trainable skill of energizing brains is introduced, emphasizing the importance of understanding what matters most to individuals.

Different motivators such as belonging, security, freedom, significance, and meaning are identified as key to energizing the brain.

Ziad's realization of Paula's need for significance rather than freedom leads to a change in his managerial approach.

The simple act of asking what matters most to someone is presented as a powerful tool for understanding and connection.

The transformation in Paula's performance and engagement after Ziad's change in approach is detailed.

The release of hormones like oxytocin, dopamine, and serotonin in response to connection, possibility, and progress is explained.

The speaker's personal experience with empathy and connection during a family crisis is shared to illustrate the importance of understanding others' perspectives.

The common mistake of putting oneself in others' shoes with preconceived notions is identified as a barrier to true understanding.

The impact of conversation and connection on energy levels, as experienced by the speaker, is highlighted to emphasize the power of engagement.

Transcripts

Translator: Rhonda Jacobs Reviewer: Ellen Maloney

I am definitely not the hero of this talk, but if I do my job properly, you will be.

You will be the hero that goes on a journey today

and discovers a gift that could change your world.

First let me tell you a story

that will give you context for everything I'm about to share with you.

I was nine years old,

and I was horror stricken as I watched my two older brothers, Perry and Mark,

in a vicious fight.

They were strangling each other on the floor.

My nine-year-old brain actually believed

that I was about to lose one or maybe both of my brothers.

When it was all done,

they vowed that they would never speak to each other again.

And they didn't ...

for several years.

So here's how it went down in my house.

The phone would ring, and Perry would answer it,

discover that it was for Mark;

he would say to me, "Go tell your brother Paul wants to talk to him."

I was drawn into the space between ...

for years.

Fast-forward - my brother Mark got into trouble.

My dad kicked him out of the house, held the hard line,

even though my mother's heart was breaking.

She would secretly bake cinnamon buns, and come to me and say,

"Would you take these to your brother, and tell him that I love him."

I was drawn into the space between.

That was 50 years ago.

And I have lived in and have worked in the space between ever since.

And what I want to do today

is to help you understand the power of what can happen

when we step into that space.

In order to do that, I'm going to share a true and remarkable story with you

about Paula and her manager, Ziad,

in which they go on a journey

from depleted brains to very energized brains.

So I'd like you to meet Paula.

Paula started her job, like most of us do, wanting to be a high performer.

She was highly engaged, wanted to contribute to the organization,

but what happened in her company was there was a reorg,

and leaders took their eye off the ball,

leaving Paula without the support, the guidance, the coaching

that she so desperately needed.

And although Paula had started out engaged,

she became exhausted.

Although she had started out dedicated, her brain became depleted.

And here's what we are seeing across North America:

massive amounts of employees, managers and leaders

who are engaged but exhausted;

they're dedicated but depleted.

So it's very difficult to become our best selves

when our brain is depleted.

But why is that?

Let's take a minute and peek inside this three-pound blob of tofu

that nestles into your cranium and understand why that is.

This brain of ours, it only comprises two percent of our body weight.

But how much energy does it burn every day?

It is metabolically expensive.

It burns 20 percent of our energy reserves every single day,

far more than any other organ in our body.

Heart, lungs, liver, they're all important

but they can't come close to the energy draw that the brain does.

So what happens if you are engaged but exhausted?

If you are dedicated but depleted,

you will lose access to one very important thing.

And the first thing you lose access to is your executive function.

So all the autonomic functions of the brain

that control your immune system, your digestive system,

your fight-or-flight mechanism, they keep running,

but the first thing you lose access to is the executive function.

Because the body is very judicious in its use of fuel.

So, the executive function - what is it?

Well, let's take a look here.

With an energized brain, you can focus your attention;

you can regulate your emotions;

you can connect the dots in surprising ways;

you can anticipate the downstream implications

of any decision or behavior;

and you can make really smart decisions.

But when your brain becomes depleted,

and you lose access to the executive function,

you get easily distracted;

you can react very impulsively;

you lose the thread;

you fail to see the downstream implications;

and you make really unwise decisions.

This is not a bad person,

this is just a person with a depleted brain.

So, this is where Ziad enters the story.

In the reorg, he became Paula's new manager.

And he sat down with her,

and after hearing a few things from other leaders and other managers

in which they said: When she's on her game,

Paula is amazing; she's bright, and she can be highly productive,

but she's begun to struggle with stress and sickness and absenteeism.

And in fact, she became absent so often that leaders had seriously considered

"freeing up her future."

Ziad sat down with Paula and said,

"I don't need to know what's happening in your personal life,

that's not my business.

But I do want you to know that I'm in your corner,

that I've got your back.

So what can we do to take some stuff off your plate,

to make this work for you?"

Does the approach sound okay so far?

It's not okay so far; it's actually a train wreck.

My biggest work with leaders is helping them switch and shift

from parenting ...

to partnering.

Ziad is taking a classic parenting approach,

assuming that he knows best and trying to fix Paula's situation

by taking stuff off her plate.

And sometimes when people try to fix us,

it actually creates more frustration and more depletion.

Every time they had that type of a conversation,

it was deeply unfulfilling as both of them walked away.

It was in this time period that Ziad happened to come to one of my sessions

around energizing people's brains.

And he learned that it's not magic.

In fact, it's not something you're either born with or not,

it's a trainable skill.

Anyone can learn how to do it.

And it's all about understanding what matters most

and connecting on what matters most.

Ziad learned that in any situation, there are things that matter most to us.

So, for instance, in some situations, belonging, inclusion, acceptance,

feeling part of the tribe, social relationships,

that is the thing that is deeply energizing for our brains.

But there are other situations where we feel a little bit off balance

and security is the thing.

So, systems, structures, consistency, rules and fair play.

But in other situations, it's all about freedom,

it's all about autonomy and independence,

the ability to get our fingerprints on things,

take a risk and make decisions.

But in other situations, it is all about significance,

the ability to do quality and excellent work, make progress,

achieve great results, move the needle.

And in some situations, it is all about meaning,

purpose, legacy, the greater good,

changing the world.

And it's very important to understand and connect on

what matters most to the person in the specific situation they are in.

Ziad came into this

and what mattered most to him in this situation was freedom.

He needed to get free of hand-holding a problem employee.

And so he assumed that freedom must be the thing

that mattered most to Paula as well.

So his approach was: How do we take stuff off your plate?

How do we free up mind space for you because I know this is stressful for you?

And as I said, what happened was

it was deeply unfulfilling for both of them.

What he learned was that for Paula,

significance was the deal.

And here's how he learned that.

You don't have to be a mind reader, you don't have to be a therapist,

you don't have to be an expert coach

to find out what matters to another person.

In fact, the people who are best at it do one simple thing:

they ask.

What's most important to you in this situation?

So Ziad came back from that training session,

had a simple conversation with Paula,

and said, "Paula, this has been difficult.

I'm wondering if you and I could do a re-do of some of our conversations

because I know they've been frustrating.

I want to ask you one question:

What matters most to you in this situation?"

Her response was instant.

She said, "I want to be seen as a high performer.

I want to be seen as somebody who is highly productive.

But every time I meet with you, you take stuff off my plate,

you take challenges away from me,

you take learning opportunities away from me.

I want more challenges at work."

And Ziad is thinking: Who would have thought

that somebody who is struggling with stress and sickness and absenteeism

wants more challenge at work?

And he didn't know if she could really step up and do it,

but he thought, let's give it a go.

And he started giving her challenge after challenge,

and coming along side of her, and helping her out,

and what happened was every time he did,

she stepped up and she hit it out of the park.

Well, when you start to understand what matters most,

possibility very fluidly flows from that.

And they started to see new ways of Paula adding value,

and stepping in, and being innovative.

And when that starts to happen,

it's very natural to move into partnering together for progress.

So what was happening inside the brains of our two journeyers here?

What was happening was

there were some powerful, high performance hormones that were flowing.

Thanks to the work of Dr. Loretta Breuning and the Mammal Institute,

we know what happens inside the minds of mammals

when you put them in certain situations.

So for instance, you see the mother and her cub.

There is a powerful hormone that is richly flowing in this situation.

Some of you know what it is.

It's oxytocin.

Not to be confused with ...

Oxycontin.

When you create connection between two mammals -

and we're mammals so we can learn from this -

connection releases oxytocin.

Well, who cares about oxytocin?

Well, oxytocin, when it's present in our brain,

it produces a sense of trust, rapport and bonding.

Some of you are thinking,

yeah, there are people in my world that I could use more trust with.

Is there something you can do that creates connection

and unlocks oxytocin inside the brain? There absolutely is.

What does she see?

Anybody, what does she see?

You can tell by her body language.

What is that?

She sees food. She sees lunch.

When a mammal senses possibility, dopamine is released in our brains.

And when dopamine is released, something powerful happens:

motivation, creativity, ingenuity, innovation, goal orientation.

If you know somebody who is unmotivated,

the first place their therapist will look is their dopamine levels.

Is there something you can do that's a benevolent brain hack

that will release dopamine inside another person?

Absolutely.

Helping them see a glimmer of possibility, of potential, of opportunity.

Mammals love to outdo each other.

It guarantees the survival of our species.

We feel intensely pleasurable when we make progress,

when we have an achievement, when people value and respect us.

Why do we feel so pleasurable?

Because serotonin is flowing in our brain.

And when serotonin flows in our brain, we feel invincible,

it unlocks a sense of agency,

belief, confidence, self-efficacy.

Is there something you can do

that can unlock that inside another person's brain?

There absolutely is.

Partnering with them for progress.

Now, anybody can connect on what matters most.

Anyone can help someone see possibility.

Anyone can partner for progress.

Why don't we do it?

The surprising reason we don't do it -

it's not because we're bored in their presence;

it's not because we're tethered to our devices; we are -

but here's the big reason: You put yourself in others' shoes.

And you're going: Aren't we supposed to do that?

Let me tell you.

When you put yourself in someone else's shoes

with all of your assumptions, your judgments, your conclusions,

your beliefs,

here's how the narrative goes:

"If I were in your shoes ... " and what comes out next

is your autobiographical fix for their situation.

This happened to me powerfully several years ago.

My third child, Tyler, was finishing up university in the East coast.

I was seated in my dining room

and I got the phone call that every parent dreads.

Now, the story turns out well, but it was chilling in the moment.

He began to describe the situation:

"We're in the hospital, we're going to make it through,

but it's been tough."

And he described the vehicle -

and I'll only keep this slide on for a moment -

but the vehicle had rolled several times.

When it landed, it caught on fire.

Four of them had been able to get out of the vehicle,

but his best friend Holly had been stuck in the front seat

and the door was jammed.

She was able to extricate herself from the vehicle,

they grabbed hold of her,

and they got far enough away that when the vehicle blew up,

none of them lost their lives.

I sat there with unbelievable gratitude on that day

that my son Tyler and his four friends had lived through this.

We all know it doesn't always happen that way.

I better move it to the next slide.

There's my son Tyler.

The next night, I was out with a friend who knows Tyler very well.

And I simply told him the story of what happened to Tyler.

I said, "You wouldn't believe what happened to Tyler."

I told him. No sooner had I finished, and he said,

"Well, you won't believe what happened to me in Chicago last weekend!"

I was slack-jawed,

because I had put something out there that was so important to me,

and it was summarily dismissed.

And he told his story.

Because I love my friend, and I want to invest in him,

I phoned him up the next day, and said, "Could we go out for coffee?"

We went out for coffee.

I said, "Do you remember I told you the story about Tyler?"

He said, "Oh, yeah."

I said, "Do you remember how you responded?"

He said, "Not really."

I said, "Well, here's what you said."

He said, "Did I actually say that? I can't believe that."

When I drilled down into what he was trying to achieve,

what do you think it was?

Because it wasn't one-upmanship.

What it was, was: I want a sense of rapport and connection.

I want to show you that I understand your Tyler story by sharing mine.

He put himself in my shoes, and he heard enough to respond.

That was Thanksgiving several years ago.

Tyler came home that Christmas and you can imagine what that was like.

After Christmas, I was out with another friend who knows Tyler well,

and I had mentioned what had happened to Tyler.

No sooner had I finished, and he said,

"What was it like the first time you saw him again?"

I said, "I was in my basement. I heard him come through the front door.

I came running up, I grabbed hold of Tyler,

and I hugged him, and I hugged him; I didn't want to let go

because it was the first time I saw him since the accident."

My friend invested five seconds.

"What was it like the first time you saw him again?"

And what happened was another whole layer of what matters most

came out of a father who almost lost his son.

My energy level after the first conversation

was through the floor.

My energy level after the second conversation

was through the roof.

People rarely leave your presence neutral.

They will leave your presence engaged

or depleted.

(Applause)