How to build resilient children | Teresse Lewis | TEDxTemecula
Summary
TLDRIn this TED Talk, the speaker, Teresa Lewis, explores the concept of resilience and its critical role in shaping children's futures. Drawing from her 15-year narrative research journey, she emphasizes the importance of relationships in fostering resilience, especially in the face of adversity. Lewis advocates for resilience education from an early age, paralleling its importance with core subjects like math and science. She stresses the impact of influential adults in a child's life, including educators, and the four essential messages to instill in children: adversity is not personal, forgiveness is crucial, being seen and acknowledged matters, and it's okay to need others. Her personal story underscores the transformative power of caring relationships.
Takeaways
- π The speaker is a bookworm and emphasizes the importance of reading and learning through the story of 'The Other Wes Moore'.
- π« The story of two individuals, both named Wes Moore, highlights the impact of different life outcomes despite similar backgrounds and challenges.
- π€ The central question posed is what differentiates children who experience adversity but have vastly different adult outcomes.
- π The speaker's 15-year journey in narrative research involved working with youth and families to understand factors influencing life outcomes.
- πͺ The key finding from the research is that resilience is the most critical characteristic for overcoming adversity.
- π¨βπ©βπ§βπ¦ Relationships, more than any other factor, are found to be the most impactful in building resilience in children.
- π« The educational system is identified as a crucial setting for building resilience due to its regular and continuous access to children.
- π©βπ« Educators and caring adults play a significant role in providing the support and guidance necessary for children's resilience.
- π The importance of listening to and acknowledging children's experiences and characteristics to foster a sense of being seen and valued.
- π€ The message that it's okay to need other people is essential for building resilience and counteracts the societal definition of strength.
- β€οΈ The speaker's personal story illustrates the transformative power of a caring and supportive relationship, in her case, her sister.
Q & A
What is the main theme of the speaker's TED Talk?
-The main theme of the speaker's TED Talk is the importance of resilience in children, particularly those who have experienced adverse circumstances, and the role of relationships in building resilience.
What is the significance of the book 'The Other Wes Moore' in the speaker's talk?
-The book 'The Other Wes Moore' is significant as it provides a real-life example of two individuals with similar backgrounds who had vastly different outcomes, illustrating the impact of resilience and the choices one makes in life.
What is the speaker's personal connection to the topic of resilience?
-The speaker has a personal connection to the topic of resilience as she herself could have been one of the 'other Wes Moores' due to her early exposure to violence and abuse, but was saved by a strong, caring relationship with her sister.
What does the speaker define as the number one skill or characteristic children should have according to her research?
-According to the speaker's research, the number one skill or characteristic children should have is resilience, defined as the ability to overcome adversity, trauma, and significant sources of stress.
What is the speaker's proposal for teaching resilience to children?
-The speaker proposes that resilience should be taught to children from the beginning, with as much fervor as we teach subjects like math, science, sports, or art, emphasizing its importance in preparing them for inevitable life challenges.
What role does the speaker believe the educational system should play in building resilience in children?
-The speaker believes that the educational system, being the only institution with regular and continual access to children, should play a crucial role in building resilience through relationships and by integrating resilience-building practices into the school setting.
What does the speaker suggest are the four essential messages that should be given to children to foster resilience?
-The four essential messages the speaker suggests are: 1) Adversity is not personal, 2) Forgiveness is important, 3) It's okay to need other people, and 4) The importance of being seen and acknowledged for who they are.
How does the speaker describe the impact of relationships on a child's life outcomes?
-The speaker describes the impact of relationships on a child's life outcomes as being greater than any other variable, such as intelligence or financial status, with quality relationships being the most impactful factor in building resilience.
What is the speaker's view on the role of families in building resilience in children?
-The speaker acknowledges the role of families in building resilience but also recognizes that many families are currently overworked, under-resourced, and feel ill-equipped to meet the social and emotional needs of their children, suggesting a collaborative approach involving schools and other systems.
How does the speaker define 'resilience' according to the American Psychological Association?
-The speaker defines 'resilience' as the ability to overcome adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats, and significant sources of stress, as per the American Psychological Association.
What is the speaker's call to action for the audience?
-The speaker's call to action is for everyone, regardless of their role in a child's life, to be a caring adult who makes a difference by being present, trustworthy, and supportive, thus helping to build resilience in children.
Outlines
π The Power of Resilience in Shaping Lives
The speaker introduces the concept of resilience and its critical role in overcoming adversity. They share the story of two individuals, both named Wes Moore, who had similar challenging childhoods in Baltimore but ended up with vastly different outcomesβone as a successful leader and the other as a convicted murderer. The speaker emphasizes the importance of understanding the factors that lead to such divergent life paths and the role of resilience in determining one's future. They also highlight the importance of narrative research and personal experiences in understanding the impact of influential relationships on resilience.
π Prioritizing Resilience in Education
The speaker discusses the importance of teaching resilience from an early age, comparing it to other fundamental subjects like math and science. They argue that resilience should not be taught only as a response to negative events but as a proactive skill. The speaker cites research that emphasizes the significance of relationships in building resilience, particularly in children who have not been exposed to adverse experiences. They stress that the quality of relationships is a key determinant of a child's resilience and life outcomes, more so than other factors such as intelligence or wealth.
π« The Role of Education in Building Resilience
The speaker highlights the unique position of educational institutions in building resilience in children. They point out that schools are the only organizations with regular and widespread access to students, making them ideal for imparting life-long skills. The speaker acknowledges the challenges faced by families and suggests that schools should collaborate with other systems to build resilience. They also encourage everyone who interacts with children, regardless of their role, to be a caring adult and make a positive impact by fostering resilience.
π¬ Essential Messages for Resilient Children
The speaker outlines four critical messages that should be communicated to children to foster resilience: adversity is not personal, the importance of forgiveness, the significance of being seen and acknowledged for who they are, and the acceptance of needing others. They share a personal story of overcoming a difficult childhood due to the influence of a caring adult, their sister, who provided the support and guidance necessary to build resilience. The speaker calls for everyone to be that influential person in a child's life, emphasizing the profound impact it can have.
Mindmap
Keywords
π‘Resilience
π‘Adverse Circumstances
π‘Narrative Research
π‘Influential People
π‘Family Dynamics
π‘Inner Voice
π‘Adversity
π‘Forgiveness
π‘Seeing Children
π‘Needing Other People
π‘Caring Adult
Highlights
The speaker introduces a personal connection to the topic of resilience and the importance of books in her life.
The story of 'The Other Wes Moore' is used to illustrate the impact of different outcomes despite similar childhoods.
The central question of the talk: What differentiates children with adverse experiences who have drastically different adult outcomes?
The speaker's 15-year journey in narrative research with thousands of youth and families to understand resilience.
Resilience defined by the American Psychological Association as the ability to overcome adversity, trauma, and stress.
A call to teach resilience to children as fervently as other subjects like math and science.
The importance of relationships in building resilience, as shown by research on children not exposed to adverse experiences.
The educational setting as a crucial place to build resilience due to its regular and continual access to children.
The current state of families being overworked, under-resourced, and feeling ill-equipped to meet the emotional needs of children.
A proposal for collaboration between families, schools, and communities to build resilience in children.
The role of caring adults in children's lives, regardless of their relationship, in building resilience.
The development of a strong inner voice in children through the messages they receive from caring adults.
Four essential messages for building resilience in children: adversity is not personal, forgiveness, being seen, and it's okay to need others.
The personal story of the speaker's sister as a foundational relationship that exemplified resilience-building.
A clarion call for all adults to be the difference-makers in children's lives, as they all need caring and supportive relationships.
The impact of providing children with the right messages and support to overcome adversity and build a strong inner voice.
The conclusion emphasizing the collective responsibility to build resilience in children for a better future.
Transcripts
good afternoon everyone
i have a piece of news for you
yada made a mistake and let me on the
stage
i am so excited to be here and we're
going to have a good conversation
i want to know who in here is a bookworm
raise your hand oh a lot of oh this is
great of course you guys are book rooms
you don't come to a ted talk right if
you don't like words
i'm a bookworm too
i love books i love to read i love to
learn i love the experience of taking in
something
that i didn't create
i love books so much
that i have what i like to call
teresa's
times best seller list
you know like the new york y'all get it
so
on the top of that list
is a book that's one of my favorite
and it's it's critical to our
conversation today
the book is called the other
westmore
the other westmore is a true
griffin
almost unbelievable story about two boys
both of them
named wes moore
both boys grew up in similar baltimore
neighborhoods
they both grew up impoverished
they both grew up without fathers in
their home and they both had run-ins
with the police
several times throughout their
adolescence
so because the boys had such similar
childhoods
then it begs this question
which is
what is
the difference between two kids
and the outcomes that they have
because one
of the westmore's went on to be a white
house fellow
a rhodes scholar
a decorated veteran
and an influential business leader in
our country
the other westmore
he ended up being a convicted murderer
and he's spending the rest of his life
in prison
until the day he dies
what was the difference between those
two boys
and most importantly what we're here to
talk about today what i'm here to chat
with you about a little bit
is what is the difference between any
two children who experience adverse
circumstances and experiences but they
go on to have drastically different
outcomes
as adults
the answer to this question is both
widely known
and is also simultaneously our best kept
secret
the answer to this question if we take
it
with the weight in which it's given
will absolutely revolutionize childhood
and probably even humanity
the quest to answer this question took
me on a personal 15-year journey
of what's called narrative research
i have worked with literally thousands
of youth
and their families
analyzing stories and outcomes
and i've been in different positions
i've worked as a school social worker in
an educational setting i've worked in
communities as an executive director for
a non-profit
i've worked as a licensed therapist in
residential treatment all across the
country
and probably my proudest role
as i've worked and it is work
as a mommy of four
of my own kids
why does that matter
because in all of those roles the answer
to that question did not change
it didn't matter what role i was
functioning in the answer came down to
this one simple thing
now does anyone besides my poor family
who's had to hear this talk probably 10
times already
does anyone in here know
the answer
a little louder
oh influence influence
influential people what else i heard
something else the family dynamics
family dynamic what else
resilience
somebody stole my answer
the answer
is resilience
now family dynamics and all of those
things we're going to talk about that in
a second all of those things impact the
outcomes of children we know this
but resilience
is through the research through my own
research the number one skill the
characteristic that we want children to
have
why
the american psychological association
defines resilience because we have to
understand what we're talking about
right
they define resilience as the ability to
overcome
adversity
trauma
tragedy
threats
and even significant sources of stress
so when we hear that definition i hope
that it pops into your mind
that we all need to be
and we've all had to be
resilient
right
because who in here can say i have not
experienced any type of adversity trauma
tragedy no threats or significant source
of stress
there's not one person in here that can
say that
so if that is the case
if we understand that adversity is
guaranteed
and we understand that it is guaranteed
that we need resilience
then why is it
that we don't teach
resilience
to our kids
i am here to propose something that
seems maybe a little radical but not
really
that we teach kids resilience
from the beginning
what we do as a society is we teach kids
resilience as a response to something
negative that has happened that is when
we start the conversation about being
resilient and they can get through it
and all of those wonderful things
what i'm saying is that we as the adults
in the lives of kids we need to teach
them resilience as fervently as we teach
math
science
sports
art
whatever it is maybe not math okay
of course a youth
or we teach you this art but whatever it
is that you feel passionately about that
you want kids to have
we need to teach resilience with that
much fervor
why
because they are giving we're giving
kids what they need
and preparing them for the part of life
that we know is inevitable
right
now
you guys mentioned families and i'm glad
that you threw that out there
because i want to tell you that in my
almost two decades of research
i've wanted to know the answer okay kids
need resilience how do we do that how do
you do that
how do i build resilience in a child
the research has pointed to again
one solid answer
not 10 although i could name 10 things
that impact kids
one solid answer
and that answer
is through
relationship
not surprisingly a study that was done
by the international a study that was
published in the international journal
for child and youth outcomes
studied 445 kids who were not exposed to
adverse childhood experiences
okay
they studied those kids and the outcomes
that they had as adults over a 15 to 20
year span
and what this study found is that those
kids
and their life outcomes
were greatly predicted
by the relationships that they had
and that those relationships impacted
kids in a greater way than any other
variable
so what's the common everyday
interpretation of that it didn't matter
how smart they were how much money their
parents had what the background was all
of those things do definitely have an
impact absolutely
but the thing that was most impactful
the thing that makes the difference
between the two westmore's if you will
is the quality of relationships that
those children have
and whether those relationships
builds resilience
in them
now the other piece of this is
who's going to do it
we have this ambiguous term out there
build relationships and kids whose
responsibility is it
i'm going to let you guys in on a little
secret
in my work there is no place where i
have
more profoundly
seen this idea of building resilience in
kids through relationships
more profoundly played out than actually
in the educational setting
why
well
our schools
our school system as an institution
they are the only it's the only
organization institution that has access
to kids
on a regular
continual basis and some of you might
say well maybe not so much recently
right
but then we're getting back there
the educational institution is the only
system that can say we will impact we
will come in contact with large numbers
of students and we can impact them train
them and teach them and give them
something that will impact their lives
for years to come
if someone were to ask you if there's
someone influential in your life or
somewhere where you're greatly impacted
or maybe even negatively impacted
i can almost guarantee you that about 90
percent of you all will say something
about school or someone in your school
now
i don't disagree for those of you who
are thinking it is my job as a parent it
is our job as a family to build
resilience in our kids i agree 150
but i can tell you after working for
years with families right here in our
own backyard
the families are toxically stressed
right now
they are overworked
under resourced financially and mentally
they are disconnected and families are
telling me
that they feel ill equipped to meet the
very basic social and emotional needs of
their students and there's no judgment
with that
it's just the reality of where some
families are so instead of us leaving it
to the system
to build the resilience why don't we
collaborate
why don't we
implement resilience building in the
school setting and connect
all the systems together
because in the end
the impact
will outweigh any work that needs to be
done
now
if you're not an educator in here i
don't want you to think
that this message does not apply to you
if you are a parent if you are in if you
are an uncle a community leader an
organizational leader an extended friend
by blood or does it matter
if you have access to a child no matter
for how long
then you have the greatest opportunity
to make a difference in their lives by
being a caring adult whether you cared
for a day or in a moment or whether you
are there for them to care for a
lifetime
having that impact and having that voice
and being a caring adult for kids
not only builds resilience in them
but it develops what we call a strong
inner voice
just before i came out here
my inner voice like to reach you got
this right you can do this you do this
all the time
kids have an inner voice too
but what we don't realize is that their
inner voice is not developed by them
it's developed by the people who are
around them
so the messaging that they receive is
the message that they repeat to
themselves they don't come tell you you
tell me this and i just said it to
myself in this situation nope we don't
get that opportunity to hear that and to
know that
but i'm telling you as a professional
that take place over and over and over
in their head
mrs lewis said i can do
x y and z mrs lewis said focus on what i
can control
i want you to take a moment and imagine
a child
hearing your voice
and your message
in their head
and how that might impact them when they
are facing the situation that you are
not able to stand by their side and help
them to overcome
what would our world look like
imagine with me
if our organizations
our homes our schools where community
build resilience building centers
where kids could go and get filled up
when they need to
almost like a gas station they're
everywhere right
kids can go and feel safe and get the
resilience in the building that they
need because the messaging was right
because they had one person or one
relationship
now you might be wondering what is the
message for the kids
because there are many messages that we
can give kids
so i'm going to give you four
essential critical messages that i've
given
probably some of your kids in here if
you recognize me hey
that i give kids
that i give my own kids and that the
research says we need to give kids
the first one is adversity is not
personal
kids are egocentric and what that means
is everything that happens they take it
personal when they think that it's
something that they did that caused it
so they need an adult to tell them no
struggling is a part of life it is not
something that you did and it is not
because of the quality of the person in
which who who you are
they need us to change that message for
them
the second thing and you all might be
surprised by this one
forgiveness
we need to teach kids forgiveness now i
can do a totally separate talk on
forgiveness but i won't
well maybe i will who knows i don't know
but forgiveness is huge and i don't mean
forgiveness as then we're teaching kids
to be doormats and allow people to run
over them absolutely not when i say
forgiveness what i'm talking about is
cutting the core of the burden of anger
resentment hatred fear and self-loathing
from our kids so that when it's time for
them to be resilient they don't have
that knapsack hanging on their back
i've worked with those kids it is hard
to climb that mountain when you have
stuff that you're carrying unnecessarily
but they don't know that it's our job to
give them that message
the third one is i see you
and i don't just see you physically but
i see your characteristics i see that
you matter i see what you love i see how
you are let kids know that you see them
when we see when you see them and they
know you see them they are more likely
to overcome adversity
because they know you care
and the fourth and last one
is that it is okay to need other people
how many of you have ever heard somebody
say you're one of the strongest people i
know
well let me tell you that can feel like
a backhanded compliment sometimes
why because what that really means is
i've seen you go through all this stuff
and you don't seem to need people
because that's how we as a society
defines strength not needing people
and as a literal antithesis of what we
need to do to be resilient we need to be
okay with needing people
so we send that message to our kids
early before they meet people
and here's where i want to end research
aside
stats aside 15 20 years all that stuff
aside i can tell you because what i
didn't share in the beginning
is that i could have been one of the
other
westmore's i was exposed to violence and
abuse at a very young age that no child
should have to ever see or experience
i could have easily ended up being one
of the kids who didn't beat the odds and
quite honestly that's where i was meant
to be
based on my childhood experience
but i had many adults that came along
the way but one foundational
relationship and experience and i'm not
gonna cry
that caused me to go from mr resilience
and that was my sister
who at the age the ripe old age of 18
she adopted
an eight-year-old girl because she
decided that our story was going to end
differently
who at the age of 18 got a full-time job
at an apartment and took a child in and
said we are going to figure it out
she told me to forgive my mother
she taught me it was okay to need other
people
she saw me
she did everything right even when she
didn't have research and fancy letters
back then she is now
behind her name
she was caring she was present she was
trustworthy and that's what i needed and
what i'm telling you all today the
clarion call is that all kids need you
just like they i needed her they need
you
so please
be
the one
that makes the difference for kids
because the wes morse
and the teresa lewis's
fill in the blanks of the world
well thank you
[Applause]
you
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