dyeing my hair & LIFE UPDATE: why i moved out, dw i went to the hospital im ok now
Summary
TLDRIn this emotional video, the creator candidly discusses their struggles with mental health, including suicidal thoughts and attempts, amidst personal and family conflicts. They share their journey of seeking help, coping with a separation from their spouse, and navigating a strained relationship with their mother. The video also touches on their experience with a new medication, Abilify, and the challenges they face in balancing their educational responsibilities with their mental well-being.
Takeaways
- đ The speaker is struggling with suicidal thoughts and has attempted suicide multiple times in the past six months.
- đ They mention taking a new medication, Abilify, which they find helpful and have started recently.
- đ The speaker has moved to a friend's house, seeking a change of environment due to feeling trapped and unwell at home.
- đ©ââ€ïžâđš They are currently separated from their husband, Michael, due to emotional distress and conflicts in their relationship.
- đ« The speaker has a no-contact order with their mother due to harassment and unwanted contact.
- đ©âđ« They express frustration with a professor who did not acknowledge their excused absences and threatened them with failing the course.
- đ©â𩰠The speaker is undergoing a hair treatment process and shares their experience with a L'Oreal product.
- đ€ They mention making new friends and the importance of surrounding themselves with supportive people.
- đ The speaker feels unloved and unsupported by their husband, which contributes to their emotional distress.
- đ„ They have been admitted to a psychiatric ward and are receiving help from various professionals, including Child Protection Services.
- đ The speaker is dealing with academic challenges, including a missed exam and issues with a professor regarding attendance policies.
Q & A
What is the main theme of the video script?
-The main theme of the video script revolves around the creator's struggles with mental health, suicidal thoughts, and her attempts to cope with personal issues including a strained relationship with her husband and family.
How many times has the creator attempted suicide in the last six months according to the script?
-The creator initially exaggerates the number of suicide attempts but then clarifies that it has been around 20 times in the last six months.
What is the significance of the 'casting gloss' mentioned in the script?
-The 'casting gloss' is a hair product from L'Oreal that the creator uses in the video. It is made of 90% natural ingredients and is part of her attempt to blend a demarcation line in her hair.
What is the creator's current marital status as described in the script?
-The creator is currently separated from her husband, Michael, due to her mental health struggles and the desire for more personal freedom and less control.
What is the 'no contact order' mentioned by the creator?
-The 'no contact order' is a request made by the creator to her mother to cease all forms of contact, including messages, calls, and visits, as part of her quest for peace and to stop the harassment she feels she is experiencing.
How does the creator describe her relationship with her mother?
-The creator describes her relationship with her mother as abusive, with a history of physical violence during her childhood and ongoing emotional distress due to her mother's controlling behavior.
What is the creator's view on her husband's support for her?
-The creator feels that her husband does not support her in the way she needs, often rationalizing his actions and not acknowledging her feelings, which contributes to her feelings of depression and suicidal thoughts.
What is the significance of the 'Dear Diary' reference in the script?
-The 'Dear Diary' reference is an allusion to a children's book that the creator cannot fully recall. It seems to symbolize a longing for a simpler time or a different life trajectory.
What is the creator's attitude towards her friends and social life?
-The creator values her friends and is making an effort to choose her own friends, rather than those chosen for her or approved by her family. She appreciates the support and understanding they provide.
How does the creator describe her experience with Child Protection Services (CPS)?
-The creator acknowledges that CPS is now involved due to her suicidal behavior in front of her children. She sees this as a positive development, as it is providing her with resources and ensuring she gets the help she needs.
What is the creator's current educational situation?
-The creator is dealing with academic challenges, including missed exams and issues with a professor regarding absences and grading. She is also dealing with the potential impact of her hospitalization on her studies.
What is the creator's perspective on her self-esteem and self-worth?
-The creator recognizes that she has low self-esteem and a lack of self-worth, which has led her to deny her own needs and desires. She is now trying to change this by making decisions for herself and living according to her own values.
Outlines
đ Struggling with Mental Health and Personal Relationships
The speaker begins by disclosing their mental health struggles, mentioning multiple suicide attempts over the past six months. They express frustration with their current living situation, feeling trapped and controlled. The speaker also discusses a new medication they're taking, which they find aesthetically pleasing but question its effectiveness. Amidst their distress, they attempt to create a video tutorial for hair care using a L'Oreal product, but their focus frequently shifts back to their emotional turmoil, including a strained marriage and a difficult relationship with their mother, who they've issued a no-contact order to cease harassment.
đ Overwhelmed by Life's Challenges and Seeking Support
The speaker continues to detail their emotional state, feeling overwhelmed by life's challenges and the lack of support from their husband and mother. They recount past experiences of physical abuse and emotional distress, leading to feelings of worthlessness and depression. The speaker also discusses their struggles with self-care and personal well-being, as they attempt to create a more positive environment for themselves by making new friends and distancing from toxic relationships. Despite their efforts, they still feel misunderstood and unsupported by their family and are actively seeking help and understanding.
đ Desperation for Change and the Impact of Mental Health
The speaker describes their desperation for change and the impact of their mental health on their daily life. They express a desire to live life on their own terms and not be dictated by others' expectations. The speaker talks about their first admission to a psychiatric ward due to repeated suicide attempts and the realization that their friends and family do not understand their emotional needs. They also mention the strain on their marriage and the lack of emotional support from their husband, leading to feelings of isolation and a lack of self-worth.
đą Reflecting on Personal Growth and the Importance of Self-Care
The speaker reflects on their journey of personal growth, acknowledging their past mistakes and the need for self-care. They discuss the importance of making their own choices and surrounding themselves with supportive friends. The speaker also talks about their experiences with mental health professionals and the positive impact of receiving help and understanding from them. They express gratitude for the resources provided by Child Protection Services and the motivation to seek therapy and improve their mental health.
đĄ Addressing Educational Challenges and Family Responsibilities
The speaker addresses the challenges they face in their educational pursuits, including issues with a professor who did not properly acknowledge their excused absences, leading to potential academic penalties. They also discuss the impending death of their father due to kidney failure and the emotional burden of providing financial and emotional support to their family. Amidst these challenges, the speaker is trying to balance their own mental health and the need to be there for their loved ones.
đ€ Asserting Independence and Seeking Authentic Living
The speaker asserts their desire for independence and to live an authentic life, free from the constraints and expectations of others. They express frustration with past experiences where they felt suppressed and unable to be themselves. The speaker also discusses their channel's purpose as a safe space for sharing personal struggles and receiving support from the community. They mention a potential new diagnosis of a personality disorder, adding to their existing mental health challenges, and the confrontation with their father about the responsibility for their current situation.
đ Embracing Self-Love and Looking Forward to Improvement
In the final paragraph, the speaker embraces self-love and expresses optimism for their future. They share their excitement about the positive outcome of a DIY hair care experiment and thank their audience for their support. The speaker also mentions their ongoing treatment and the possibility of a new medication helping them manage their mental health. They conclude by expressing their love for their audience and inviting them to share their thoughts and experiences, emphasizing the importance of community and connection.
Mindmap
Keywords
đĄSuicide
đĄMedication
đĄSeparation
đĄNo Contact Order
đĄDepression
đĄSelf-Care
đĄPersonality Disorder
đĄCoping Mechanism
đĄChild Protection Services (CPS)
đĄSelf-Harm
đĄEmotional Regulation
đĄSupport System
Highlights
The individual discusses their struggle with suicidal thoughts, indicating a serious mental health concern.
Mentions moving to a friend's house as a coping mechanism for their mental state.
Talks about starting a new medication, suggesting a proactive approach to mental health treatment.
Expresses frustration with personal appearance, specifically hair, as a source of distress.
Shares the experience of using a L'Oreal casting gloss, indicating a self-care routine amidst struggles.
Describes feeling overwhelmed and in distress, using humor as a coping mechanism.
Mentions a separation from her husband due to mental health struggles, highlighting the impact on personal relationships.
Discusses financial struggles, including a soft bankruptcy, adding to life's pressures.
Details a no-contact order with her mother due to harassment, showing the strain in familial relationships.
Reflects on the lack of support from her husband and the impact on her mental well-being.
Shares a positive experience with pole dancing as a form of exercise and social interaction.
Talks about making friends independently, signifying a step towards personal autonomy.
Expresses the desire to live life on her own terms, rejecting the expectations of others.
Mentions the involvement of Child Protection Services, indicating concern for the well-being of her children.
Describes the helpfulness of crisis workers, psychiatrists, and social workers in her life.
Discusses academic challenges, including missed exams and communication with professors.
Shares a personal anecdote about a supportive friend, Stacy, emphasizing the importance of positive relationships.
Concludes with a renewed sense of self-love and determination to live life authentically.
Transcripts
oops take two I have to change the
battery hi am at my friend's house I
moved here because I'm
Ill sorry trigger warning this whole
video is going to be about me attempting
suicide like like 100 times in the last
okay not 100 but like
like 50 times in the last maybe not
50 maybe like 20 times in the last 6
months I take my medication look I got
put in this new medication and it's so
cute I feel like I'm dying at
home it's
awful
I am so annoyed at my hair that's not
why I feel like I'm dying but I'm
annoyed at this like demarcation line
right here so I'm going to blend it with
this gloss it's a casting gloss casting
natural gloss from L'Oreal and it's made
of
90% um
natural
ingredients
okay mix apply massage rinse condition
let's
go
sorry distress oh here I'm a mess mess
mess mess mess mess mess I'm a mess in
the I'm wait I'm a
mess in distress but we still the best
dress Fearless
sayess we don't dress to
impress okay um I'm going to tie pieces
of hair
away my
appli will be a oh my gosh this is a
look saam Mari anyone say taka
Marie I look like that girl from um who
was it dear
diary there's like this children's book
like dear diary or something and
then no wasn't no it was the other book
that's like the girl who like has a
friend and then her her friend or like
her enemy is like super popular but then
her enemy as a child used to be her best
friend and then her mom used to tie her
hair like
this okay anyone know that the title of
that book okay so like I talked about
this in the past how like I'm burned out
out I'm tired of working I feel like I'm
working forever and like nothing's going
right we almost went bankrupt actually
we had to do a soft bankruptcy on
Michael's accounts like my my husband
who were in a separation right now
because I'm having like I'm like
suicidal and this is not conducive to
anyone's health so I asked for um us to
sign a separation so that I don't have
to feel like I'm like being jailed or
controlled by him and any of his like
reasonings and justifications of the way
that he rationalizes
life and my emotions and like everything
so that's happening but at the same
time like I was so sick and tired of
working because I was working for no
salary and like I always we took too
many risks because there are so many
things that I like large things that I
wanted and that's because I was never Al
the small things that I would have
wanted in my life like both in my
marriage and also in my childhood and so
like right now I also have a no contact
order that I gave to my mom because she
kept harassing me she kept calling me
and texting me and calling me and
texting me and I told her through
Michael to stop contacting me because I
want some peace like all I want is some
peace and I want you to control my life
and like think the way that I need to
live is according to what you you
proceed the Bible as like [Â __Â ]
off so then I called the non-emergency
police line and asked them like what can
I do if a family member is like
continuing to harass me and they said
okay well send them a note that's in
written form so that they know to stop
contacting you and you have hard proof
that you've already told them and based
on criminal law they're not allowed to
contact me or harass me or send me any
any forms of contact that's out side of
like that's within what I asked not to
be contacted with so I said like in my
no contact order email I was like don't
message me don't text me
don't don't like don't come to me don't
leave me voice messages which she did
and she left me voice messages like
threatening assault to be be me to a
pulp until I'm close to Dead And she was
like I never raised you beating you yes
you did ma'am you beat me until I was 12
which is majority of my childhood like
what the
[Â __Â ] and then you turn around and start
like bragging about me because oh look
at my daughter she's so successful now
blah blah blah like no I'm not
successful I'm [Â __Â ] depressed and I
want to kill
myself this is a
letter let me cry for a second first
and like it doesn't help that my husband
doesn't support me in the things that I
want and like everything that I want and
I want to do the people that I want to
meet and the things that I want to like
buy my buy for myself so that I can
improve my well-being and improve my
like state of like
self-care is like a waste of money and a
waste of time and everything has to be
justified by like what he thinks is
right and wrong and because I wanted
love me cuz I know he doesn't like me
then like I have to just like do that
what I think he wants me to do and be
the person that I think he wants me to
be so that I'm
like I'm like [Â __Â ]
miserable okay this is a note from oh
wait I keep showing the address this is
a note from um Stacy Stacy finally found
our new PO Box address thank you so much
Stacy for your little card it was a
Valentine's Day card from last month and
it says you are a perfect
friend and then it says to Nai from
Stacy best friend wishing you and your
family what does it
say including your parents happy
Valentine's Day
2024 thank you Stacy this means so much
to me Stacy always sends need like
holiday
cards and my old husband doesn't even
hold my
hat he just stands there when I'm crying
and when I'm upset or even when I'm
happy he just gives me a thumbs up what
the [Â __Â ] is
that I'm sick and
tired and like I was never allowed to
choose my own friends all my friends are
always
criticized by my mom and my husband oh
I'm so glad they included gloves
because
I I always forget to get gloves and I
love this kit L'Oreal sponsor me please
just kidding they did sponsor me I did
an add for this um for this product and
I really like the result of like my ad
but also um my hair when I dyed it like
brown it was the first time I had it
that brown like my whole head and I
really liked it okay let's mix
this this is the conditioner that you
put at the
end and then this is the number one and
number two so I have to add the number
two into the number
one yeah and then just apply it wait let
me take my clothes off cuz I'm going to
get everything messy do you like my
skirt I got this like on a super sale
it's so cute there's a slit and then
there's like a rouching here on this
side and this huge pocket it's so cute I
love it so much um it was from this
Boutique called
honey and I love this Boutique all their
stuff literally that they like C
rate is so my style and I got this so
this is $110 but I got it on sale for
50 it was such a good
deal and I was shopping with my friend
who I'm pole dancing with because she
wanted to go pole dancing and she's new
to Canada so um we decided to like go
together because she doesn't have a car
and then like it's pretty far ways and
it's good exercise as well so I decided
to go with her and it's always fun to
learn something new with um people that
you Vibe with
so okay let me mix
this here's a tip when you're like
working through something like take out
boxes
or uh
Whatchamacallit back into the box so
that at the end it's like not
messy oh my gosh that's hard to squeeze
so I just been tired of living because I
have not been able to do the things that
like I'm I'm always trying to be a good
girl and like be what everyone wants me
to be because I have no sense of self
and no sense of self-esteem
so now I'm just like [Â __Â ] you all I'm
going to just do whatever I want
because I'm sick and tired of living
like this and I feel like
dying and so um I finally started making
some friends that I'm choosing for
myself and that are not just chosen for
me and end up being toxic or end up
being people who don't even like me and
then I'm like chasing them around and I
feel like a terrible
person so um starting like September
this school year I started like making
my own friends
and deciding the people that I want to
choose in my life to be the people close
to me instead of people that I think my
family will be happy that I'm friends
with what is wrong with me I'm literally
an idiot
like this is why I self harm okay this
is why I'm like bruising my whole body
everywhere because I'm the literally
dumb okay but
like not
anymore I'm smart
now I I'm I'm living
now oh yeah so I'm doing better um but I
was admitted to the psych word for the
first time because like I kept trying to
attempt suicide whenever I'm like
fighting with Michael because he's not
listening to me and he doesn't hear me
like I'm telling him like how I feel de
and then he's like oh that's because XYZ
I'm like I don't [Â __Â ] care about
reasons or like why you think it's the
right thing like I'm a funny suicidal
like hello and like my friends are the
ones that made me realize I was living
in in like
a
stupid some kind of like
jail cuz
like my friends are like whenever I'm
like telling them oh I'm trying to work
on my health right now and I'm trying to
work on like my um emotional regulation
and my mental stability and they're like
oh but our personality is normally extra
like I'm like Oh my husband thinks I'm
too extra and then my friend is like
we're usually extra though like that's
just who we
are like why am I never allowed to be
who I am like in my childhood and in my
marriage like I am [Â __Â ] sick and
tired of this I'm so sorry for swearing
I haven't sworn in like 16 years and now
like I was just like living like a good
girl and now it's like all just coming
out so I'm sorry for being chaotic and
dead
inside oh my my crisis worker at the
hospital was like why do you keep
laughing and making jokes like I don't
think you know how serious this is I'm
like
sir making jokes and laughing is my
coping
mechanism okay I really want this to be
saturated though so I'm going to soak it
no and then anytime I'm like telling how
I feel like okay for example I'm like
you don't even like me you don't you
don't like love me that's why I'm always
upset and that's why I'm always mad and
then he's like I do love you though if I
didn't love you I wouldn't be with you
but that's not what I'm talking about
like like why do you have to rational
loving
me and why can't you just
like acknowledge that I feel like you
don't like me then you should say like
oh what makes you think that way what
makes you feel that way like what can I
do to be better for you like like he
should say those kind of things but then
he's just rationalizing things all the
time and then at one point I was telling
him like I'm losing my feelings for you
I'm losing faith in feeling safe with
you and and I'm like I'm giving up I'm
giving
up I'm literally giving up and then he
started like being better to me and
changing but that only lasted like a
month because now after we signed of
like oh we're no longer allowed to
control each other or like we're no
longer allowed to harass each other or
like um we need to respect each other's
space blah blah blah like after we sign
that paper then he's like you're a
stranger to me now so like I don't I
don't my friends are telling me I don't
owe you anything
like you owe me my whole life what do
you
mean I'm like
[Applause]
okay I I'm not I'm
not okay I'm not perfect either right
like but then to call me abusive for
being being upset for the way you're
acting and treating me is
like like something's
wrong oh my
go something truly what's wrong with the
world Mama people lit like the ain't got
no mama yeah we both don't have moms we
have mommy issues momy
issues hey this is like a great way to
make a balage cuz like the inside is you
know not has dyed and then the outside
is like more dyed and then you get like
you get like a
gradient and then you get a
bage soay highlights low lights
together oh my gosh I'm I'm like I'm
Queen Behavior this is like DIY CEO of
DIY this is CEO of DIY in action should
I have shampooed my hair first
maybe not it didn't say so did it I
didn't read the instructions no you just
apply
it okay
slay I'm tired now I wish someone would
help me with
this see no one's here to help me with
anything just kidding I have friends now
I have a friend who offered me her place
so that I'm not committing suicide at
home I'm like trying to hang myself in
the okay I'm not going to say anything
to like us to not trigger you but like
I'm like trying to jump out
places I'm trying to hang myself
places I'm trying to add some
electricity some
places I'm like trying to blunt object
me some
places it's just not helpy I'm not I'm
not
saying this is not
well so I need more things worth living
and like because he started helping me
with my YouTube
channels like 7 years ago slowly and
slowly like yes there was a time when we
did really well based on algorithm and
blah blah blah but then like the fact
that I was having postp depression and
not allowed to talk about it not allowed
to like show bad sides of myself so that
our family image would be like perfect
at church or or like perfect like online
or whatever like I was suffering like
this is my safe space where I talk about
my problems this is where like I share
with you guys and you guys give me your
opinions and your like stories too and I
get to hear your stories and I get to
like glow
up wait which one's
next so I'm like suffering cuz I have no
friends I have no one to talk to I have
no
[Music]
like no safe places because I feel like
I have to constantly be denying myself
and then when I tell him that I'm like
I'm suffering blah blah blah and then he
and then I'm saying why I feel like I
have to do what I have to do and then
he's like oh it's because your self I
realize it's because your self-esteem is
so low that you feel like you have to
listen to everything I say like yes but
then it's cuz you hate me at the same
time like you don't even like me then
I'm trying to make you like me because I
like you the problem is yeah the problem
is me the problem is me the problem is I
like you too much the problem is I like
you too much and I Deni myself too much
that's a
problem and now I'm [Â __Â ] sick of it I
want to live now I want to live I'm sick
of dying to myself I want to live
now and like I don't care if everyone in
my life is like panicking thinking I'm
like a psychotic [Â __Â ] sure I'll be a
psychotic [Â __Â ] and I'll be a bad [Â __Â ]
because I'm going to be my own bad [Â __Â ]
now I don't even care and like it
doesn't help that I'm like suicidal in
front of the kids so like that's not
healthy for them either and now CPS is
involved which is why I was afraid of
taking to myself to the hospital or
talking about my
depression like in the light that it is
because I was afraid this going to
happen but then it's like good that it
happened cuz now they're like providing
such good resources and keeping me in
check and making sure like I'm going to
go get therapy and I'm going to go get
my oh my gosh I'm so sorry yeah my
crisis workers my psychiatrist my social
workers my um Child Protection Services
people like they've all been so helpful
and like why didn't I have this sooner
like I should have been taking to the
hospital at 8 years old when I was
already starting to be suicidal like
like I had no help and it doesn't help
that like all the people who were there
to help me and who were supposed to help
me just locked me up in my room
like when I say I want to work you
should support me in working when I say
I want to like hang out with friends and
make some friends like you should
support me in that like we're here to
support each other we're not here to
like have each other do what each other
want this
sucks I'm okay I'm okay I I started a
new medication oh I already told you um
but that's been like super
helpful cuz they were monitoring it and
the psych and making sure I was okay
it's called
Abilify so it's going to make me
able cuz I'm disabled right now and I
missed my exam
like I missed my exam because of a
logistical issue and then I had to like
get a proctor for my exam and then my
other exam I like this this is okay this
is how not okay I am my other
exam I asked for
um more time because I had started it 30
minutes late thinking that I had an hour
from when I start my exam but I didn't
and then she gave me more time to like
redo my exam but the problem is the more
time she gave me was the time that I was
hospitalized so now I have to email her
again and like I have class with that
professor today and then I have to email
her and like send her the doctor's note
that I have dismissing me from my from
my school duties because I was admitted
to the hospital and then another thing
is like every time I was absent I told
her I was going to be absent so I
excused myself but then she marked me as
absent abset so I lost grades even
though the school policy is like any
unexcused absences is you will be
penalized for but if you excuse your
absence and if you let your professor
know in advance that you won't be
attending because of some issue then
your absence is excused but then she
didn't mark me as an excused absence she
only marked me as an absent absence and
then she emailed me and said that like
oh just a reminder of the school policy
and she's only been at the school for
one year like this is her first year so
like like half a year and a bit but I've
been at the school for 11 years and then
she said that like um oh based on school
policy just a reminder that like one
more absence and you have an automatic
fail in this course but like I didn't
even have any unexcused
absences all my absences were like told
in advance
and like excuse
so there's like so many things
happening there's so many things
happening and then my dad he's going to
die soon because he has kidney failure
and he's doing Di is so he only has like
3 to 5 years left and then my brother's
asking me to like make like Financial um
resources for him and like spend time
with him and that was like one of his
like requests
before I suck at
math I'm
late I'm late to
school I I hate this I love me I love me
I love
me I'm good okay there's some left this
is like a
lot how much is left I think like a
little less than half is left but I'm
going to toss it because I am done let
this process wash my
hair
yeah hey no my elastic bands are a
thing they are a
thing pop off this this is DIY Queen
right here CEO of
DIY coming
through oh my gosh it's going to look so
good it's going to look so good I'm
telling
you my garbage
bag I'm telling you that
too okay I think I like mostly red red
what I wanted to
rant
about I'm going to wash my hair and then
show you the final results if you have
any advice for me or if you have similar
experiences or even if you don't and you
just want to say hi I would really
appreciate it because this is the reason
why I started my channel to begin with
and I was like prevented
from doing what I wanted on my channel
like in my life and just like everything
in general like who I am and I'm sick
and tired of it and I just want to be I
just want to exist I just want to frolic
and Graves and exist and I just want to
be me and enjoy me and enjoy being
me and the psychiatrist that I saw at
the
hospital is um possibly diagnosing me
with a personality disorder as well so
not only do I have a moderate major
depressive disorder but I may have a
personality disorder
and whose fault is that that's what my
dad asked me when I was like telling him
I need his support because the cas
workers are saying that I'm not stable
enough to take care of my kids so I need
support for like proper adult
supervision until Michael gets home from
his new job and then my dad is like oh
well whose fault is
that sir it's [Â __Â ] your fault and
your wife's
fault the
hell okay I'll stop ring now I'm going
to be right back let this process and
then I will be back with my wet hair and
then my finished hair so that you can
see what it looks like when it's wet and
you can see what it looks like when it's
dry
I'm
obsessed oh it looks so good what did I
just
do ah my hair is still
wet I can't even
see it looks good it looks better than
before but it it does look DIY okay
that's it thanks for joining me today I
hope you have a good day I love you I'm
doing
better
oh yeah read the description I'll have
more stuff that I didn't talk about okay
love you bye
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