The Moth and PEN World Voices Festival present Jenny Allen: Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

Summary

The speaker shares a deeply personal journey through cancer, chemotherapy, and hair loss, exploring identity, vulnerability, and self-expression. Faced with the choice between wearing a scarf or a wig, they navigate the tension between authenticity and social perception, influenced by a friend’s experience. Trying on a wig leads to discomfort and a public mishap that brings both embarrassment and liberation. Ultimately, they embrace scarves and natural hair, finding humor, dignity, and self-acceptance along the way. The story also reflects on friendship, grief, and reclaiming control over one’s experience with illness, highlighting the human resilience beneath the surface of appearance and disease.

Takeaways

• 😢 The narrator was diagnosed with cancer and had to begin chemotherapy immediately, which included hair loss as a side effect.
• 💇‍♀️ Hair loss triggered a reflection on personal identity and how to present oneself during illness.
• 🎭 The narrator debated between wearing a scarf to be authentic or a wig to blend in and avoid questions.
• 👩‍⚕️ Friendship with Ruth, who also had cancer, provided guidance and inspiration in coping with hair loss.
• 🛍️ Wigs vary in price and source, raising ethical and personal considerations in choosing one.
• 😖 Wearing the wig initially felt unnatural, hot, and uncomfortable, making the narrator self-conscious.
• 😂 An embarrassing moment at a graduation ceremony with the wig falling off led to laughter and relief.
• 🎗️ Despite the option of a wig, the narrator ultimately returned to scarves and bandanas, embracing authenticity.
• 🤝 Shared experiences and storytelling with friends provided comfort and humor in facing cancer.
• 🌱 Acceptance of oneself, including vulnerabilities and scars, emerged as a key theme, highlighting resilience and self-empowerment.

Q & A

What emotional impact does the narrator experience due to hair loss from chemotherapy?

The narrator feels a deep sense of vulnerability and loss of identity due to hair loss from chemotherapy. She begins to question how her appearance reflects her illness and how others perceive her. This experience forces her to reconsider her self-image and what it means to 'wear' her disease.

What dilemma does the narrator face regarding how to present herself to others after losing her hair?

The narrator struggles with the decision of whether to wear a scarf or a wig. She wonders if wearing a scarf would announce her illness to the world, while a wig might allow her to blend in and avoid discussing her condition. Ultimately, she is grappling with whether to embrace her vulnerability or disguise it.

How does the narrator's relationship with Ruth influence her decision to try wearing a wig?

Ruth, who is further along in her cancer journey, wears a wig and feels surprisingly good about it. Her positive experience encourages the narrator to consider wearing a wig herself, especially after Ruth suggests that her medical insurance would cover the cost, making the decision easier.

Why does the narrator feel uncomfortable with the idea of wearing a wig, even though she purchases one?

The narrator feels disconnected from the wig because it doesn't feel like part of her identity. She is uncomfortable with the effort required to wear it and feels as though it is a burden. Despite owning the wig, she keeps it hidden away and struggles to accept it as a part of her appearance.

What is the significance of the narrator's decision to wear the wig at her friend Martha's daughter's graduation?

The narrator chooses to wear the wig at a significant, public event like a graduation to test it out in a larger setting. It represents her attempt to reclaim a sense of normalcy and confidence, even though she still feels uncertain about how others will perceive her with the wig.

How does the narrator describe her experience wearing the wig during the graduation ceremony?

The narrator describes feeling very self-conscious and uncomfortable wearing the wig. She constantly fusses with it, and the heat from the sun and the weight of the wig cause physical discomfort. Despite this, she continues to wear it due to a sense of decorum, not wanting to embarrass others around her.

What happens to the narrator's wig during the ceremony, and how does she react?

During the ceremony, the narrator's wig and hat fall off in a moment of embarrassment. However, instead of feeling ashamed, she experiences a sense of freedom and humor, laughing at how much effort she put into maintaining her appearance only to have it fall apart in such a public way.

What is the narrator's final decision regarding the wig after the graduation ceremony?

After the graduation, the narrator decides to put the wig away for good. She places it in the back of a drawer, symbolizing her acceptance that it is no longer needed. She returns to wearing scarves and bandanas while she waits for her natural hair to grow back.

How does the narrator cope with the loss of her friend Ruth and how does it relate to her feelings about the wig?

The narrator struggles with the loss of her friend Ruth, who dies after a long battle with cancer. Ruth's passing makes the narrator reflect on her own cancer journey, and the wig, which once symbolized her attempt to hide her illness, feels like a reminder of that phase of her life. She decides to let go of the wig, embracing the possibility of future illness with a more authentic approach.

What lesson does the narrator learn about identity, vulnerability, and acceptance throughout the story?

The narrator learns that accepting her vulnerability and allowing others to see her as she truly is—without the need for disguise or pretense—is ultimately more liberating than trying to blend in or hide her illness. She comes to appreciate her natural self, even if it involves exposing her vulnerability to the world.