Walking Through the World Non-Binary | Jesse Lueck | TEDxRanneySchool

Summary

The speaker shares their personal journey with gender identity, exploring the complexities of biological sex, gender identity, expression, and sexual orientation. They recount childhood experiences and societal pressures that led to a period of depression and a suicide attempt in high school. Finding acceptance and self-expression in college, they commit to living authentically, emphasizing the importance of being true to oneself for personal success and happiness.

Takeaways

• 🧬 The script discusses the complexity of gender, emphasizing that it is not solely about biological sex but includes a spectrum of identities and expressions.
• 👶 The speaker's childhood experiences highlight their early inclination towards non-traditional gender expressions, such as an obsession with rainbows and a preference for dresses.
• 🏳️‍🌈 The speaker identifies as non-binary, a gender identity that doesn't align with the traditional binary concepts of male or female.
• 👧👦 The speaker's experiences in school were challenging, with both peers and adults often questioning or judging their gender expression.
• 💇 The speaker's struggle with societal expectations and personal identity is exemplified by their changing hair length and style throughout their life.
• 🏌️‍♀️ The speaker's desire to participate in activities typically associated with boys, like sports, faced societal pushback, illustrating gender stereotypes.
• 👗 The speaker's experiences with clothing and dress codes in school were restrictive and contributed to feelings of discomfort and depression.
• 🏫 The strict environment of the Catholic school further complicated the speaker's journey, as they faced daily reminders of societal gender norms.
• 🌈 The speaker's college years marked a turning point, where they found acceptance and the freedom to express their authentic self.
• 🚫 The script touches on the mental health struggles the speaker faced, including a suicide attempt, due to the pressures of conforming to gender norms.
• 💪 The speaker concludes with a commitment to living authentically, regardless of societal judgments, and the realization that their success comes from being true to themselves.

Q & A

What is the main issue the speaker faces regarding gender identity?

The speaker faces the issue of people persistently inquiring about their biological sex rather than understanding their gender identity, which leads to a feeling of discomfort and the perception that such questions are intrusive.

How does the speaker describe the concept of gender as a continuum?

The speaker describes gender as a multi-level continuum where individuals can identify anywhere from male to female or anywhere in between, including non-binary and genderqueer identities.

What is the difference between biological sex and gender identity according to the speaker?

Biological sex refers to what one is assigned at birth based on physical characteristics, while gender identity is how one feels on the inside and how they identify themselves, which can be male, female, or non-binary.

Why does the speaker feel that being asked about their biological sex is a 'creepy question'?

The speaker finds it 'creepy' because such questions are focused on physical attributes rather than understanding the individual's gender identity, which they consider a more personal and significant aspect of self.

What challenges did the speaker face in their early life related to gender expression?

The speaker faced challenges such as teasing, feeling restricted by gender norms, and not being allowed to participate in activities or wear certain clothes that were not traditionally associated with their assigned gender.

How did the speaker's experience in Catholic school affect their perception of gender norms?

The speaker's experience in Catholic school reinforced strict gender norms, causing them to feel constrained and judged, and contributing to their struggle with their gender identity.

What was the turning point for the speaker in terms of embracing their authentic self?

The turning point was when the speaker went to college, where they met people in the LGBT community, made friends who accepted them, and were able to experiment with their gender expression without judgment.

How did the speaker's mother respond to their gender identity and expression?

The speaker's mother was initially shocked and faced judgment from others, but she mostly stood up for the speaker, allowing them to participate in activities and try different clothing, despite societal pressures.

What impact did the speaker's gender expression have on their social life during high school?

The speaker's gender expression led to social isolation, with friends distancing themselves and feeling uncomfortable around them, which contributed to a period of severe depression and a suicide attempt.

What is the speaker's current approach to living their life after their college experience?

The speaker has decided to live their life authentically, embracing their true self and not being deterred by societal norms or judgments, as they have found that they are most successful and comfortable when being their genuine self.

How does the speaker address the misconception that gender identity is directly linked to sexual orientation?

The speaker clarifies that gender identity and sexual orientation are independent aspects of a person, with gender identity being about self-identification and sexual orientation being about who one is attracted to.

Outlines

00:00

🧐 The Persistent Question of Gender Identity

The speaker reflects on their lifelong experience of being asked about their gender, a question they find invasive and based on physical attributes rather than identity. They delve into the complexities of gender, explaining that it encompasses biological sex, gender identity, gender expression, and sexual orientation, all of which exist on a spectrum and are independent of one another. The speaker identifies as non-binary, a term that can cause discomfort due to its association with the word 'queer.' They also touch on the societal expectations and pressures they faced, especially in terms of gender presentation and the perception by others.

05:00

🏳️‍🌈 A Journey Through Gender and Self-Expression

This paragraph recounts the speaker's personal journey with gender expression, from childhood preferences for dresses to the desire for a more masculine appearance in their teenage years. The speaker faced societal and familial judgments for their choices, particularly in a strict Catholic school environment. They describe the struggle with identity, the impact of teasing, and the depressive state it led to, culminating in a suicide attempt. The narrative highlights the importance of the speaker's mother's support and the challenges of navigating strict dress codes and societal norms.

10:01

🌈 Embracing Authenticity in College and Beyond

The speaker shares their transformative experience in college, where they found acceptance within the LGBT community and formed genuine friendships. This newfound freedom allowed them to express themselves authentically without judgment, leading to a pivotal decision to live life as their true self. The speaker emphasizes the importance of authenticity for personal success and happiness, concluding with a message of self-acceptance and the liberating effect of being true to oneself.

Keywords

💡Gender

Gender refers to the socially constructed roles, behaviors, and expectations associated with being male or female. In the video, the speaker discusses the multifaceted nature of gender, emphasizing that it is not just about biological sex but also includes gender identity, expression, and more. The speaker's personal journey illustrates the complexities and fluidity of gender, challenging the binary understanding of gender.

💡Biological Sex

Biological sex is the classification of an individual's sex based on their reproductive anatomy and genetic makeup, typically categorized as male or female. The video script mentions that people are often asked about their biological sex at birth, which is distinct from one's gender identity. The speaker reflects on the limited perspective that focuses solely on biological aspects, which can be reductive and ignore the broader spectrum of gender.

💡Gender Identity

Gender identity is a person's internal sense of being male, female, or something else, and may not necessarily align with their biological sex. The speaker identifies as non-binary, a term used by individuals who do not identify strictly as male or female. The video highlights the speaker's gender identity journey and the struggle to be recognized and accepted for who they are, rather than being forced into societal expectations.

💡Non-Binary

Non-binary is a term used to describe a gender identity that doesn't fit within the traditional binary understanding of male and female. The speaker self-identifies as non-binary, explaining that they do not subscribe to one end or the other of the gender continuum. This concept is central to the video's theme of gender fluidity and the rejection of restrictive gender norms.

💡Gender Fluid

Gender fluid is a term that describes individuals whose gender identity may change or be variable over time. The speaker mentions this term as one of the ways they were referred to before understanding their non-binary identity. It underscores the speaker's experience of a shifting and non-static sense of self in relation to gender.

💡Gender Expression

Gender expression refers to the way a person presents their gender to the world, which can include clothing, behavior, and other outward signs. The speaker discusses their gender expression as being more masculine but not strictly so, highlighting the distinction between how one presents themselves and how they are perceived by others.

💡Intersex

Intersex is a term used to describe individuals who are born with reproductive or sexual anatomy that doesn't fit typical definitions of male or female. The video script points out that there are over 27 different ways a person can be intersex, emphasizing the diversity within the biological spectrum of sex.

💡Sexual Orientation

Sexual orientation refers to an individual's pattern of emotional, romantic, or sexual attractions to men, women, both genders, or neither. The speaker clarifies that sexual orientation is separate from gender identity, stating that one's attractions are independent of how they identify in terms of gender.

💡Cisgender

Cisgender is a term used to describe individuals whose gender identity matches the sex they were assigned at birth. While the speaker does not directly use this term, it is implied as the 'other end' of the gender identity spectrum from non-binary, and it provides a contrast to the speaker's own experiences and identity.

💡Gender Bender

The term 'gender bender' is used by the speaker to describe their pre-understanding self-identification, indicating a fluid or non-conforming gender expression. It is a colloquial term that captures the essence of the speaker's resistance to traditional gender roles and their playful approach to challenging gender norms.

💡Authentic Self

Authentic self refers to the genuine, true nature of a person, which the speaker believes is essential for personal success and happiness. The video emphasizes the importance of living as one's authentic self, as the speaker found that they were most successful and comfortable when they were able to express their true identity without societal pressures or judgments.

Highlights

The speaker has faced a lifelong question about their gender identity, often asked by strangers and adults, which they find invasive and based on physical attributes rather than personal identity.

Gender is explained as a multi-level concept including biological sex, gender identity, gender expression, and sexual orientation, each existing as a spectrum.

Biological sex is assigned at birth and can vary with over 27 ways to be intersex, challenging the binary concept of male and female.

Gender identity is a personal internal feeling, with non-binary and genderqueer identities existing between traditional male and female identities.

The speaker humorously referred to themselves as a 'gender bender' before understanding the available terminologies for gender identities.

Gender expression is how one presents themselves to the world and is not always accurately perceived, causing discomfort for the speaker.

The speaker has experienced being misgendered and stared at in public spaces, which led to feelings of frustration and a desire for understanding.

Sexual orientation is presented as separate from gender identity, with its own spectrum of attraction independent of one's gender.

The speaker's childhood was marked by a fascination with rainbows and dresses, hinting at their future identity.

At the age of ten, the speaker desired to have a boy's haircut and participate in activities traditionally reserved for boys, facing questions about their identity.

The speaker felt restricted by gender norms and faced criticism for wanting to engage in activities not deemed suitable for girls.

During their teenage years, the speaker experienced bullying and depression, leading to a period of conforming to traditional feminine presentation to avoid teasing.

The speaker's mother faced societal judgment for allowing her child to explore their gender identity, but she supported her child's choices.

In college, the speaker found acceptance and freedom to express their authentic self, leading to a renewed sense of self and purpose.

The speaker's suicide attempt in high school was a turning point, motivating them to push through and find a community in college where they could be themselves.

The speaker's journey emphasizes the importance of living authentically, regardless of societal expectations or judgments.

The speaker concludes with a message of gratitude for the opportunity to be their true self and the realization that authenticity leads to personal success and happiness.

Transcripts

are you a boy or are you a girl this is

the question that I've been followed

around with for the majority of my life

and for most people it's probably a

preposterous question that they wouldn't

imagine that strangers on the street

would just come up and ask them little

children sometimes would make comments

and that's not a big deal but it's more

so the adults that would really just not

be able to let go of this concept of

needing to know what my biology is and

therein is why the question is so

shocking to me they're not actually

asking what my gender identity it is

they're asking what I was assigned at

Birth they're asking what my physical

parts are which when you think about it

is a really creepy question so I'm gonna

go over a little bit about what we're

talking about when it comes to gender

and it's not just your biology gender

has many levels and on each one of these

levels it's a continuum you could fall

anywhere on that continuum from one end

to the other or anywhere in between and

it does start with your biological sex

which is what you're assigned at birth

when you came out and the doctor said

it's a boy it's a girl based on your

biology now you could be on one end and

be male you could be on the other end to

be female or you could fall in the

middle and you could be intersex and

there are over 27 different ways that

people could be intersex and fall in

between the actual biology of what's

male and what's female on the next level

down is gender identity and this is

actually how you feel on the inside how

you identify on the one end is men on

the other end is woman and then in

between are folks like myself we

identify as non-binary sometimes they

use the term gender fluid or genderqueer

which I think sometimes makes people

cringe because the word queer is still a

little bit on the brink of a lot of

people thinking that is derogatory term

I used to refer to myself before I knew

any of this terminology as a gender

bender I just thought it sounded me kind

of rond it was kind of a funny little

thing and I would make jokes and I would

say to my co-workers yes it's me I'm

here I'm your official gender bender at

your service underneath that is gender

expression and that's what you're

showing to the world now the way I

present myself to the world is on the

more masculine

of the spectrum but still closer to the

middle so there's masculine on one end -

feminine on the other and all kinds of

levels of androgyny in between

underneath that is gender presentation

and this is the thing that I have no

control over whatsoever that's how I'm

being perceived by the outside world so

even though I'm presenting myself in a

more masculine way that's not always

what's perceived I've had instances

where I've been sitting in restaurants

with my wife and people are staring and

they're whispering or they're pointing

or they're looking it's obvious they're

talking and a lot of times I can take

that with a grain of salt I'm not even

really noticed but there are other times

where I really just want to turn around

and say if you have a burning question

would you please just ask it so we could

all move on with our day that would be

great so gender presentation is sort of

one of those levels that I wish I had a

little bit more control of and I don't

really have the time to walk around

addressing every single person in the

room and saying this is what I want you

to see so I just let people see what

they want and go on about their day it's

fine with me I'm not bothered if you see

me as female I'm not bothered if you see

me as male because I exist right in that

gray area in the middle of feeling like

I don't explicitly subscribe to one end

or the other when it comes to that

continuum and on the last level of

sexual orientation and this of course is

who you have feelings for who you like

or love and again that's a spectrum you

could be attracted to women you could be

attracted to men you could be bisexual

you could be pansexual and that has

nothing to do at all with how you

identify yourself gender wise each one

of these levels are completely

independent they're not in any way

involved with the other levels you can

be on one end or the other end of any

one of these are in the middle and

they're not really related to each other

so that's just sort of the background on

this whole idea and now I'm going to

take you through my gender journey so

that's me I'm about two years old maybe

closer to three I was really obsessed

with rainbows completely coincidental by

the way nothing to do with the fact that

I'm gay and when I came out my mother

was shocked and surprised and she like

couldn't believe it and then I look

bacchanal these childhood photos and

everything is covered in rainbows and

I'm just like mom you didn't do that to

me I picked those things out we're Clues

along the way maybe a little bit there I

am I'm about five years old there and at

about that age I was completely obsessed

with dresses I had to wear a dress every

single day I had a specific favorite one

it was pink it had a panda on it and my

mother had to wash it every single day

because it's the only thing I would wear

and I would always joke around with her

and say mom see a person is only given

so many days in their life that they

want to wear a dress I just used all

mine up in one year and then I was spent

I'm about ten years old here and this

was the year that our around that time I

begged my mother to let me cut my hair I

think everybody in the early 90s had

some version of that bowl cut and I

thought it was so awesome because now I

didn't have all this kind of hair

getting in the way I was really into

soccer and I wanted to play all the

sports that boys played and people would

actually ask me do you just want to be a

boy and I used to look them squarely in

the face and say I do not want to be a

boy but I want to be treated like one

and now looking back on that it's

interesting that at that time and at

such young age I was noticing the

differences in how boys were treated and

perceived versus girls I was constantly

being told that I couldn't do all these

things that I really wanted to do

because girls don't do that want to play

with Legos they're not for girls I want

to play hockey

that's not for girls can I go out for

the football team no that's not for

girls I want to wear a white suit on

Easter

that's not for girls drove me crazy and

I went to Catholic school my entire life

so I did have to wear a dress every

single day for years and this really was

a sort of sticking point for me because

I even went to the Dean and had this big

argument about how in the dress code it

did not explicitly say that the girls

had to wear the girl's uniform just that

we had to be in uniform now I feel like

that was like you know open book there

for me to go and buy the boys uniform

and we're technically I'd still be in

uniform

I wasn't allowed to do that though I got

in big trouble when I turned about 13 I

sort of allowed myself to float back on

that continuum towards presenting more

feminine that was about the time where

the teasing hit critical mass and I just

couldn't take being picked on anymore it

was really difficult I was a late

bloomer and so the girls would tease me

and the boys would tease me about my

appearance so I grew my hair long again

and I started wearing clothes that were

a little more traditionally from the

girls section and it worked the teasing

pretty much stopped and when I went into

high school I was mostly hanging out

with the athletic popular girls I was

friends with all of them

nobody teased me there were no questions

and have any problems but I felt like I

was wearing a straitjacket every single

day and it brought me down to a level of

depression where I started thinking that

I was never going to be allowed to be

the person that I wanted to be that I

didn't really have a choice because if I

was the person that I wanted to be I

would have to go back to those times

when the kids would just relentlessly

pick and tease me and also my mom had a

lot to deal with because there was a lot

of judgment where she was concerned

people would look at her ask her say why

are you letting your kid dress like that

why are you letting your kid do that and

so she took a lot of judgment from

people that she didn't necessarily know

or even people that she thought were

friends of hers that she couldn't

believe would come up to her and be

judging her decisions on her parenting

based on the way that her child wanted

to be treated or wanted to behave and I

have to give her a lot of credit for for

the most part really standing up and

allowing me to join and do most of the

things that I wanted to do the rule was

always I will let you try out and if you

don't make the team you don't make the

team but if you make the team I'm gonna

let you play so that was really great on

her part that she allowed me to really

branch out and try all the things that I

wanted to try there was a lot of

compromising where clothing was

concerned because I went to a very

strict Catholic school we had

appearances to keep up and when it came

to specific holidays and events we had

to do a lot of compromise

what I was allowed to wear so maybe I

was allowed to wear those white pants on

Easter but my shirt had to have some

level of flowers on it and then we

balanced it all out when I hit my

college years

that was really stepping out into a new

time in my life my senior year of high

school I became so depressed that I made

this decision that I was never since I

was never gonna be able to be who I

wanted to be that I just didn't want to

be alive anymore and that was the year

that I attempted to commit suicide I had

lost all my friends I had been fired

from my job all the girls that I worked

with had got together and wrote a letter

to my boss and said that they didn't

want to work with me anymore because I

made them uncomfortable they just didn't

want to be around me so I was fired so I

had this situation where when I was in

school no one wanted to talk to me or

sit near me and when I went home I

didn't have my job anymore and I didn't

have anywhere to go and my mom would

often ask me like why aren't you hanging

out with your friends anymore and I

couldn't look at my mom and say like I'm

not not hanging out with these people

because I don't want to hang out with

them like I'm not hanging out them

because they don't want to be my friend

but I couldn't say that to my mother I

knew that would just like break her

heart so I just thankfully the suicide

attempt did not come to fruition and I

told myself that if I could just push

through the rest of my senior year and

make it to college I would be able to

just start a new life and be myself and

that's what happened I went away to

college I met other people who are in

the LGBT community for the first time I

made real friends for the first time who

knew fully who I was I started to be

able to experiment with wearing what I

wanted to wear and being who I wanted to

be with no judgments and this was a huge

breath of fresh air for me because it

was a really hard few years in a

Catholic High School where at least once

a day every day I had someone in a

position of power standing in front of

me saying you'll go to hell if you are

this you know there are rules that are

written in this book that we read every

day and we go through and we talk about

how this is wrong and this is not what

you're supposed to be and this was the

first time that I had broken away from

that and saw a whole different part of

the world and it was amazing and it was

a feeling that I never

to lose and I made the decision right

then and there that I was now going to

live my life being my fully authentic

self no matter what people said no

matter what obstacles came in my way I

was just going to be the very best

person I can be

and I discovered that I am my best self

when I am myself the only way that I am

successful and achieving and

capitalizing on every opportunity that

comes my way is when I'm my authentic

self and putting my authentic self value

because I can tell you right now if I

was standing on this stage in a pink

dress I would be extremely uncomfortable

and I'll guarantee the rest of you would

be just as uncomfortable looking at it

thank you

[Applause]