“It’s Never Too Early to Go Back to Bed” - Martha Kelly - Full Special

Summary

In this humorous monologue, Martha Kelly shares anecdotes from her life, including her decision not to have children, her love for her pets, and the challenges of pet euthanasia. She also touches on her experiences with sobriety, her twin sister's memoir, and her quirky views on animal rights and office work. Kelly's candid storytelling and comedic timing elicit laughter from the audience, showcasing her unique perspective on life's absurdities.

Takeaways

• 🎤 The speaker, Martha Kelly, is a comedian who shares personal anecdotes and humor during her performance.
• 🏠 She has moved multiple times from Los Angeles to Austin, reflecting on her experiences and the challenges of relocation.
• 🐾 Martha has a deep affection for animals, having had several pets in her life, and she discusses the emotional aspects of pet ownership, including the difficult decision to euthanize them.
• 😢 She shares a touching story about a letter left by one of her deceased cats, which humorously requests that her ashes be thrown in the dog's face.
• 🌱 Martha has become a vegetarian and animal activist, expressing her views on animal rights and her thoughts on certain practices like keeping killer whales in captivity.
• 🚫 She humorously suggests that we should reconsider certain activities, like riding horses, based on the lack of evidence of such behavior in the wild.
• 🍹 The comedian talks about her past experiences with drinking and how she quit, leading to a lifestyle change and new perspectives.
• 📚 Martha has a twin sister who is a writer and has published a memoir, which Martha finds too personal to read.
• 🏢 She also discusses her past office jobs and humorously compares the monotony of filing to being in a cult.
• 🤔 Reflecting on her own life, Martha humorously contemplates the idea of becoming a motivational speaker with unconventional seminar topics.
• 🤦‍♀️ She addresses the challenges of being short, expressing her discomfort with being lifted and the societal misconceptions about short adults.

Q & A

What is the main theme of Martha Kelly's stand-up routine in this transcript?

The main theme of Martha Kelly's stand-up routine in this transcript revolves around personal anecdotes, humor, and reflections on life experiences, including her relationships with her family and pets, her views on parenting, and her experiences with moving and working.

Why does Martha Kelly compare the difference between loving babies and wanting to be a parent to loving roller coasters and wanting to have a romantic relationship with a carnival worker?

Martha Kelly uses this comparison to illustrate the stark contrast she feels between enjoying the company of babies and the commitment and responsibility involved in becoming a parent, highlighting her personal choice not to have children.

What is the humorous situation Martha describes regarding her pets during a cross-country drive?

Martha humorously describes a situation where she had to pull over during a cross-country drive because her pets, who were initially making a lot of noise, had suddenly gone silent. She called a 'family meeting' to address their behavior, showing her imaginative approach to dealing with her pets.

How does Martha Kelly express her feelings about the loss of her pets?

Martha Kelly expresses her feelings about the loss of her pets by sharing the emotional experience of having to euthanize them, finding humor in the situation with the letter from her cat, and emphasizing the cycle of getting new pets as a way to cope with the loss.

What is the significance of the letter Martha found in her cat's belongings?

The letter Martha found in her cat's belongings is significant as it adds a layer of humor and sentimentality to her story about pet loss. It is a fictional letter that humorously addresses her cat's misunderstanding of a conversation about euthanasia and ends with a request that adds a comedic twist.

How does Martha Kelly's stand-up routine reflect her views on animal rights and animal welfare?

Martha Kelly's stand-up routine reflects her views on animal rights and welfare through her stories about her pets, her decision to become a vegetarian, and her commentary on the documentary 'Blackfish,' which criticizes the treatment of captive orcas.

What is Martha's perspective on the idea of riding horses, and why does she believe they might hate it?

Martha's perspective is that horses might hate being ridden because they never give rides to other animals in the wild. She uses this observation to humorously argue against the practice, suggesting it's something they would do if they enjoyed it.

Why did Martha Kelly quit drinking, and how did it affect her life?

Martha Kelly quit drinking in December of 2003, and it affected her life by giving her more time and energy to engage in activities she had never done before, such as crying and cussing at strangers, which she humorously presents as a positive change.

What is the Total Trolley, and why does Martha find the customer testimonials for it so endearing?

The Total Trolley is a product featured in an infomercial that turns into a wheeled platform for moving furniture when laid on its side. Martha finds the customer testimonials endearing because they are heartfelt, with one customer humorously referring to it as a 'member of the family.'

How does Martha Kelly's experience with filing in an office job lead her to consider joining a cult?

Martha Kelly's experience with filing in an office job, where she spent two weeks filing all day in a basement full of file cabinets, made her feel so drained and lifeless that she humorously considered joining a cult, as she felt it might at least offer some excitement and benefits.

What is Martha Kelly's take on the idea of short adults being childlike and enjoying being lifted off their feet?

Martha Kelly humorously addresses the misconception that short adults enjoy being lifted off their feet, asserting that it is uncomfortable and not enjoyable. She speaks for short people, emphasizing that they do not like being picked up by taller individuals.

Outlines

00:00

😀 Personal Life and Pets

The speaker begins by expressing her love for her family in California and her close bond with her niece and nephew. Despite this, she clarifies her decision not to have children of her own, drawing a humorous comparison to the difference between loving roller coasters and wanting to work at a carnival. She shares her experience moving with her pets and the emotional journey of losing them, emphasizing the responsibility and heartbreak of pet ownership. She ends with a light-hearted anecdote about her cat's unexpected peaceful passing in her arms, highlighting the bittersweet nature of these relationships.

05:04

😄 Animal Rights and Personal Anecdotes

The speaker transitions into a discussion about animal rights, sharing her recent vegetarianism and animal activism, inspired by documentaries like Blackfish. She humorously questions the ethics of keeping killer whales in captivity and the professionalism of these animals in the entertainment industry. She also expresses her belief that horses should not be ridden for leisure, using a witty comparison to their behavior in the wild. The speaker then shares personal stories from her time in Austin, Texas, including her past drinking habits and the realization that she needed to change her lifestyle, leading to her sobriety.

10:08

😁 Family, Writing, and Humorous Product Endorsements

The speaker talks about her twin sister, a writer who has published a memoir about her experiences in the S and M industry, which the speaker finds too personal to read. She also discusses her own desire for organization, leading to a humorous story about labeling her belongings, including a box of razor blades labeled 'Plan B'. She then shares her love for an infomercial product, the Total Trolley, and the absurdity of considering inanimate objects as family members, using customer testimonials to drive the humor. Lastly, she recounts a quirky method she used to prepare for an office job, involving being submerged in a burlap sack, and reflects on the monotony of office work, considering a cult as a more exciting alternative.

15:09

😆 Short Stature and Life Experiences

The speaker addresses the misconceptions about short adults, humorously asserting that being lifted off their feet is not enjoyable and should be avoided. She recounts a scary encounter in Los Angeles where a man pursued her after a traffic light, leading to a darkly comic rejection. She also expresses her disappointment in the lack of female Jedi in the Star Wars franchise, drawing a parallel to the physical limitations of Yoda. The paragraph concludes with a story about a minor car accident and the ensuing argument with the other driver, who failed to apologize, leading to a sharp and witty retort from the speaker.

20:11

🙂 Closing Remarks and Gratitude

In her closing remarks, the speaker thanks the audience for their applause and support. She humorously acknowledges her short stature and the challenges it presents in social situations, particularly with people who assume that short adults enjoy being lifted. The speaker wraps up her performance with a light-hearted tone, leaving the audience with a sense of warmth and appreciation.

Keywords

💡New Orleans

New Orleans is a city in Louisiana known for its vibrant music scene and rich cultural heritage. In the script, it serves as the setting for Martha Kelly's performance, providing a lively backdrop for her storytelling. The mention of New Orleans helps to establish the atmosphere of the video and connects with the audience's expectations of a lively and entertaining performance.

💡Parenting

Parenting refers to the process of raising and taking care of children. In the script, Martha Kelly discusses her decision not to have children of her own, distinguishing between loving babies and wanting to be a parent. This concept is central to her narrative, as it reflects on personal life choices and the complexities of family dynamics.

💡Pet Ownership

Pet ownership involves the care and companionship of animals. The script frequently references Martha's experiences with her pets, highlighting the emotional bonds formed and the difficult decisions that come with pet care, such as euthanasia. This theme resonates with viewers who have experienced the joys and sorrows of pet ownership.

💡Euthanasia

Euthanasia is the act of ending a life painlessly, often used in the context of relieving suffering in terminally ill pets. The script discusses this沉重topic through Martha's experience of putting her pets to sleep, illustrating the emotional weight of such decisions and the love and responsibility pet owners feel.

💡Animal Activism

Animal activism advocates for the fair and ethical treatment of animals. Martha mentions her vegetarianism and views on animal rights, like her stance against keeping killer whales in captivity. This reflects her personal values and contributes to the video's exploration of ethical considerations regarding animals.

💡Stand-up Comedy

Stand-up comedy is a performance art where a comedian performs in front of an audience, usually speaking directly to them. The script is a transcript of a stand-up routine, showcasing Martha Kelly's humor and storytelling abilities. The comedy serves as a vehicle for discussing serious topics in an engaging and relatable way.

💡Personal Anecdotes

Personal anecdotes are stories from an individual's life that are shared to entertain or illustrate a point. Throughout the script, Martha uses personal anecdotes to connect with the audience, such as her experiences moving with pets and her reflections on sobriety. These stories add depth to her comedy and make the performance more relatable.

💡 Sobriety

Sobriety refers to the state of not being under the influence of alcohol or drugs. Martha talks about her journey of quitting drinking and the changes it brought to her life. This theme is woven into her comedy, offering insights into personal growth and lifestyle changes.

💡Height

Height is a measure of the distance from the base of an object to the top. In the script, Martha addresses her short stature and the misconceptions and experiences associated with it. This topic is used humorously to explore societal expectations and the challenges faced by shorter individuals.

💡Star Wars

Star Wars is a popular science fiction franchise. Martha expresses her fandom but also her disappointment in the lack of female Jedi characters. This reference not only shows her personal interests but also serves as a platform to discuss gender representation in media.

💡Accident

An accident is an unforeseen and unplanned event, often resulting in damage or injury. Martha recounts a minor car accident, using it as a setup for a comedic exchange about apologies and social etiquette following such incidents. This anecdote adds levity to a common, relatable experience.

Highlights

Martha Kelly expresses her love for her niece and nephew and how they influenced her life without changing her decision not to have children.

She humorously compares the difference between loving babies and wanting to be a parent to loving roller coasters and wanting to date a carnival worker.

Martha shares her experience moving from L.A. to Austin with her pets and the challenges of the journey.

She recounts the emotional difficulty of having to put her pets to sleep and the process of grieving their loss.

Martha finds humor in the idea of her deceased cat leaving a letter with a final request, adding a personal touch to the pet loss experience.

She advocates for animal rights, expressing her views on the treatment of captive animals like killer whales and her reasons for becoming a vegetarian.

Martha's comedic take on the absurdity of encouraging whales to pursue careers in show business due to their unprofessional behavior.

She reflects on her past lifestyle choices in Austin, Texas, and the realization that her behavior was not leading to personal growth.

Martha discusses her journey to sobriety and how it initially made her feel but eventually led to personal benefits.

She humorously addresses the awkwardness of her twin sister's memoir about her work in the S and M industry and her inability to read it.

Martha's attempt at becoming organized leads to labeling her belongings in a way that is both funny and slightly inappropriate.

She finds joy in the customer testimonials of an infomercial for the Total Trolley, particularly one that treats the product like family.

Martha's experience working in an office leads her to humorously consider joining a cult for a more exciting life.

Her idea for a 'The Encounters with Depression Power Weekend' seminar, with classes on potato chips, going outside, and sleeping.

Martha addresses the misconceptions about short adults and the discomfort of being picked up by taller individuals.

She shares a scary encounter in Los Angeles where a man pursued her despite her clear discomfort.

Martha expresses her desire for more female representation in the Star Wars franchise, questioning the lack of female Jedi.

She recounts a minor car accident and the frustrating interaction with the other driver who refused to apologize.

Transcripts

♪ ♪

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, Martha Kelly.

(crowd cheering)

Um, it's really great to be in New Orleans.

I, um, I live in Austin, but I'm from California,

and my whole family is still out there.

And I miss them a lot.

Um, especially my niece and nephew, who are really little.

I'm really close to them.

When they were babies, I saw them almost every day,

and those bonds really changed my life.

But they didn't change my decision

not to have kids of my own.

And, uh...

It's not 'cause I don't think they're great.

I love kids and babies, but, um,

there's just a big difference between loving babies

and wanting to be a parent.

Um, to me, those two things are as different

as loving roller coasters and wanting to (bleep) a carnie.

(laughter)

So...

Just...

breaking the ice with the F-word.

Uh...

But also just, um, to be clear,

there's nothing wrong with making love to someone

who works at a carnival,

so please don't be offended.

(sighs) Um...

One of the four times that I've moved from L.A. to Austin,

I drove there,

uh, with my four cats and my dog in the car.

And, um, I rented a giant SUV,

and I put these big kennels in the back for the cats

where I had food and water dishes

and litter boxes and blankets.

But even with all those amenities,

there were a lot of angry accusations

coming from the back of the car.

Um, for a couple hours.

And then it just got completely silent.

And that made me kind of nervous,

'cause I didn't know if maybe they were planning something.

So, I just pulled over and I called a family meeting,

and I just, um...

I explained to the cats, like,

"I know that this drive across country is difficult,

"but living in Austin again is gonna make life better

"for all of us.

"And there is no (meows)

"in 'team.'

"So, please, uh...

get with it." Um...

A little bit of trivia.

Um, all five of those pets are dead now.

And, uh, not-- it wasn't from foul play.

Uh, they got old and then sick,

and then you have to put them to sleep,

which is the heartbreaking part of having pets.

They don't live as long as we do.

But I got another dog and a kitten.

And, like, you just have to stay on-on the ride,

you can't get off.

When they die, you have to just keep getting more pets

until you die.

And, um...

But you have-- you do have to put them to sleep

so that-- I mean, you ha-- I mean, you have to kill them.

So they won't...

(chuckles)

So they won't suffer.

Like, that's your duty.

And the first one that I had to do that with,

I was not at all emotionally prepared for it,

and, um...

I hired a vet to come to the house and do it,

so that my cat wouldn't have to go through the stress

of a car ride and an office visit.

So the vet came to the house, and I held my cat in my arms,

and they gave her the shots.

And she went very peacefully.

And then the vet left,

and then I just sat there with my cat in my arms,

crying and holding her

for, like, a half hour; I just couldn't put her down.

And mostly I was crying from grief,

but there were also a few tears of triumph

because she never let me hold her like that

when she was alive.

So...

Uh...

Kind of...

I kind of won that round, uh, with her.

(chuckles)

Um...

It doesn't, doesn't get any easier.

The, um, last of those five original pets

I had to put her to sleep this past January.

She was 19,

and I got her when she was just a couple weeks old.

It was a-- one of the cats.

And, um...

and, again, I had a vet come to the house.

It was really hard.

I was-- it really hit me hard.

And it was at least a couple of weeks

before I could even

bring myself to go through her belongings.

But...

I finally did, um,

and when I was in her section of the closet, I found...

um, a letter with my name on it.

So I'm just gonna read it...

really quickly.

Um...

If I can unfold it.

Um...

(clears throat) Excuse me.

Okay.

(sighs)

Um, "Dear Martha,

"if you've found this, it means that I've passed away.

"I'm sure you're very sad about it,

"but I want you to know that I had a good life with you

"and, if I could have, I would've lived with you forever.

"Please take comfort in the fact that I'm no longer suffering

"and know that, if there is an afterlife,

"I will try to find you there.

"In regards to settling my affairs here on Earth,

"there is one situation I got into

"that will require your attention.

"The other day, I overheard you speaking to a vet on the phone

"about in-home euthanasia,

"and I misunderstood the nature of that call.

"While I knew I was on the decline,

"I thought for a moment that you were making plans

"to kill the dog as sort of a Make-A-Wish Foundation

"gift to me.

"So I rented a party bus with your credit card.

"Despite leaving you in a bit of a pickle,

"I hope you will remember me fondly.

"I know I wasn't a perfect cat,

"but I loved you with all my heart.

"In light of that fact,

"please do me the favor of honoring my dying wish.

"I know you plan to have me cremated,

"so when you get my ashes back, if it's not too much trouble,

could you please throw them in the dog's face?"

Uh, well...

I don't know if I'll honor that.

Obviously, I love animals a lot.

And, um, I recently have become a vegetarian,

and also kind of an animal activist.

Um, I'm not in PETA,

but I have watched Blackfish a bunch of times.

(laughter)

And, uh, I bring it up at the drop of a hat.

And if you haven't seen it,

it's a documentary about this killer whale

that was captured from the wild when he was a baby.

And he's lived in captivity his whole life

and he's killed three people.

And the last one was his trainer.

And, um, he's not the only killer whale in captivity

that has attacked trainers.

There's another one that killed a trainer.

And then there's a bunch of 'em that have attacked

and injured trainers.

And... SeaWorld has been around

for over 50 years now.

I just feel like it should be really obvious at this point

that we need to stop encouraging these whales to pursue careers

in show business,

because they are super unprofessional

and...

they should...

(crowd cheering)

Oh, well...

Thanks, guys.

I was kind of nervous about taking a drink of water.

I was afraid I was gonna accidentally

throw it in my face, but, um...

Little... a little high energy. Um...

Sorry.

Um, I also--

one of my other radical ideas about animal rights is:

I don't think that we should ride horses anymore.

I feel like they really hate it.

Um, they have to hate it, because if they didn't,

then how come we never see horses

giving rides to other animals in the wild?

It seems like...

something they would do.

It would be super cute. Um...

The, uh-- speaking of the Wild West--

not really, but just in lieu of a segue,

um...

the first time that I moved to Austin, Texas,

was in, uh, the year 2000.

And I moved there and hit the ground running,

and I went out drinking and smoking every single night

for a year straight.

And it was really fun for awhile,

but after a few months,

I started to feel a little bit weird,

because before I moved to Austin,

I had kind of imagined myself becoming a new person

once I lived there.

It just had never occurred to me

that that person might be Nick Nolte.

Bless his heart.

Um...

I quit drinking in December of 2003 and, um,

I like being so...

(crowd cheering)

Well, let's not get carried away.

Um... (chuckles)

It's fine. Like, I'm glad.

I actually-- I like being sober.

I'm used to it now,

but in the beginning, I did not like it.

It was really hard,

and, uh, for awhile, I just hated it.

And then after a few months, I realized that

since I was no longer spending every night getting drunk

and then every day recovering from the hangovers,

I had time and energy for stuff I'd never done before,

like crying and cussing at strangers.

So, it's fun.

I, um...

I have a twin sister and, um, she's a writer

and she got a book published.

And she's a great writer.

I'm really proud of her for getting her book published.

Um, I can't read it

because it's a memoir about when she worked

in the S and M industry,

and I just can't, uh, can't read it. Uh...

I don't mean to be judgmental about it.

Like, um, it's just that we're really different.

Like, I would never ever write a book

about my sexcapades.

Um, partly because I'm really private about that stuff,

but also because none of the sex I've had

really qualifies as "scapades."

So... can't really...

do it. Um...

I always wanted to know what it feels like

to be one of those super organized people,

and so, a couple weeks ago, I cleaned my whole apartment.

And I put all my stuff in boxes.

And that felt kind of interesting.

So then I went and got a label maker.

And I put labels on each of the boxes

according to what was inside.

And so, now I just have this box of razor blades

that says "Plan B" on it.

So...

that's not... that's kind of...

Too much, ma'am.

(chuckles)

Ma'am or sir, um...

I, um...

The other night, I was in the middle of a freestyle

TV watching jam session.

And, uh, I came across my favorite show,

which is an infomercial for a product

called the Total Trolley.

And it's a great product.

It's a ladder that, when you put it on its side,

um, wheels pop out and you can push furniture on it.

I'm not really sure what it does,

but the reason I love that infomercial

is because of the customer testimonials.

Because they're all really heartfelt.

And the best one is this guy

who looks straight into the camera

and says, "We use the Total Trolley so much at our house

"that we've started to think of it

as a member of our family."

And, um...

To be honest,

I kind of fell in love with him when I saw that,

and want to-- kind of want to marry him,

'cause I feel like what an open heart

that you will accept literally anything

into your family.

Um, but also, I just would love to

get to go to their family reunions

so I could meet Uncle Total Trolley.

And, uh, maybe his wife, Swiffer Mop, would come.

That's dumb. Um...

I used to work in offices a lot.

And the last job I had, I got through a temp agency.

They called me on a Friday and said

they had an assignment for me starting the following Monday.

And it had been a while since I worked in an office,

so I thought I should probably do something over the weekend

to prepare to get back into all the typing and filing

and phone answering and whatnot.

So what I did is I had a friend of mine go with me

down to the local swimming pool,

and I had him tie me up in a burlap sack

and sink me to the bottom of the pool.

(laughter)

And then right when I was about to suffocate,

he yanked me up and gave me a lunch break.

And then...

(crowd cheering)

No.

That was... (laughs)

Well...

that's very, very sweet.

You might be overreacting. Uh...

Um, at that job, for one project...

Their whole-- the building--

the whole basement was just file cabinets.

So for one project, they had me go down there

and I filed every day, all day, for two weeks straight.

And at the end of that two weeks,

it finally occurred to me I'd probably be better off

if I just went ahead and joined a cult.

Because at least in a cult,

when they suck the life force out of you,

they throw in some group sex and a weird haircut.

And that's kind of fun.

There was a period of time between odd jobs

and starting to make a living with, um, stand-up

where I thought about

changing careers and maybe becoming a motivational speaker.

And I had this idea for a seminar

that I could give called

"The Encounters with Depression Power Weekend."

And there were gonna be three, uh, classes.

And at-- the first one is called "Potato Chips: Friend or Foe?"

Um... the second one

was "Going Outside and Other Tales of Courage."

And then the last one was called

"Sleeping It Off:

It's Never Too Early to Go Back to Bed."

So...

(applause)

Well...

Thanks, guys. Um...

You might not be able to tell because I'm up

on an elevated stage, but I'm actually quite short.

And, um, I don't mind being short.

It's not a problem most of the time.

There's one thing that is a problem, which is

there's a segment of the population

that believes that short adults

remain childlike, in that

we enjoy the sensation of being lifted off our feet.

And, um, I feel totally comfortable

speaking for every short person in the world

in saying we don't like that at all.

We don't like being picked up.

Don't... do not pick up a fellow adult,

no matter how short they are.

It's really uncomfortable.

Um, it's never like the movies where you're like, "Whee!"

It's always like you're-- they almost drop you.

Um... and then, like,

your shirt pulls up in the back.

Um...

It's really...

It's actually traumatic, um, when I remember it.

There's one exception to that rule.

There's one time where I think

it's okay with short people if you pick them up.

And that's-- this is how that scenario goes.

You see someone coming towards you

with the intention to pick you up.

And it's usually a guy.

And it's almost always someone who's had a few drinks.

And you put your hand out. You're like, "Stop.

"Don't do it. I don't want you to pick me up.

Do not do that."

And he ignores you and comes in and picks you up anyway

and then grunts in pain

because you're heavier than he expected you to be.

If it ends with a trip to urgent care,

then it's totally fine to pick up a short person.

Otherwise, don't do it.

I, um, grew up outside of Los Angeles

and lived in the city for a while when I was a young adult.

And I found it to be kind of a scary place.

There's just so many people.

One scary thing that happened to me is, uh,

I was at a stoplight, and I used to have

an old, uh, '71 Volkswagen Bug.

And they don't have air conditioning,

so I always had my windows rolled down.

And I was at this stoplight,

and a guy in a car next to me started talking to me.

And at first, he was talking to me about the car,

which I didn't think was a big deal

because some people are into old Bugs.

But, um, when the light changed,

I was really relieved and I tried to speed away,

but in a Volkswagen Bug,

it's a little difficult to speed away,

so he caught up to me at the next light.

And he started talking again.

And finally he goes, "Hey, why don't you give me

your phone number and we could go out for coffee sometime?"

And then I thought about it and was like,

"Um, how about I'll just meet you naked

at a shallow grave and you can push me in?"

'Cause...

(laughter)

that's clearly where we're headed.

And...

we don't need to bring coffee into it.

Um... if that's what's happening.

Um...

I haven't seen the new Star Wars movie yet.

I heard it's great and I plan to see it.

I like the Star Wars franchise,

but I'm a little bummed that there aren't female Jedi.

I don't really understand that.

Like, um, if being a Jedi were about physical strength,

then I would understand why it's mostly men,

because most men are physically stronger than most women.

But, um, Yoda is a Jedi,

and he's a crippled puppet, so...

clearly it's not about strength.

Um...

I, um...

I was in a minor car accident not too long ago.

It was during rush hour, so luckily

we weren't going very fast.

And this lady rear-ended me.

And, um, we both pulled over and I got out of my car,

and she didn't get out of hers.

She just leaned out of her SUV and said,

"You're okay, right?"

And I said, "Yeah, I'm okay."

And then she started to get back,

just close the door like she was gonna drive away,

which kind of made me mad,

so I yelled at her and was like, "What are you doing?"

And she leaned back out and said, "What's your problem?"

And I said, "Well, you ran into me.

Aren't you at least gonna apologize?"

And she said, "Well, I didn't do it on purpose.

That's why they call it an accident."

And then... I was kind of flabbergasted.

I was like, "I know,

"I know what 'accident' means, A,

"and, B, still when people accidentally

"run into each other, a lot of times, they go,

'Hey, I'm sorry I hit you.'"

And then she goes,

"Well, if you'll recall, the first words out of my mouth

were, 'Are you okay?'"

And then I said, "I do recall your first words, ma'am.

"And I also have a prediction

"for what your last words might be,

"which is, 'Help, I'm being choked

and I kind of asked for it.'"

Um...

Hey, that's all for me, guys.

Thank you so much.

(crowd cheering)

I really appreciate it. Thank you.