How to stop obsessing over what other people are thinking | Teresa Lodato | TEDxGreenhouse Road

Summary

The speaker shares a personal story of misinterpreting a high school crush's behavior due to a negativity bias, which led to a distorted perception of self-worth. She emphasizes the importance of overcoming this bias by being aware, curious, and connected to foster authentic relationships. The talk encourages introspection on how we perceive others and ourselves, advocating for a shift towards authenticity and deeper connections.

Takeaways

• 💭 The speaker had a crush on a high school varsity baseball player, Mike, and tried to cross paths with him, but he never noticed her due to his struggle with a concussion.
• 🤔 She mistakenly assumed Mike ignored her because she wasn't 'cool enough,' which affected her self-esteem and dating life for years.
• 🔄 The speaker later learned at a reunion that Mike was preoccupied with his concussion and didn't even notice her attempts to get his attention.
• 🧠 Our brains are naturally biased towards negativity, which can lead to creating distorted narratives about others based on assumptions rather than facts.
• 📉 The negativity bias can distort our perception of the world and our interactions, often leading us to presume negative intentions in our relationships.
• 🔑 The term 'negativity bias' was first identified by researchers Paul Rosen and Edward Royman, who outlined four basic elements of this bias, including 'negative potency.'
• 💡 Awareness is the first step in overcoming negativity bias; recognizing when our brain's predictions don't match reality allows us to question our preconceived narratives.
• 🧘‍♀️ Being calm helps mitigate the influence of negativity bias, enabling higher levels of executive functioning for rational thinking and emotional regulation.
• 🤓 Cultivating curiosity about others and questioning automatic narratives can reveal misconceptions and prevent us from jumping to conclusions about their actions and intentions.
• 💬 Being connected involves active listening, empathy, and genuine interest in others' well-being, creating a space for open and honest communication.
• 🌟 Authenticity in our interactions comes from understanding and owning our narratives, which allows us to drop unconscious masks shaped by ego, societal expectations, and negativity.

Q & A

What was the speaker's experience with Mike in high school?

The speaker had a crush on Mike, a varsity baseball player, and tried to cross paths with him by standing near his locker. Despite her efforts, Mike barely acknowledged her, which led her to create a negative story about what he thought of her.

Why did Mike not notice the speaker in high school?

Mike was dealing with a concussion that affected his grades, his ability to play baseball, and his general ability to focus on anything in school, including the speaker's attempts to get his attention.

What did the speaker learn at the 20-year high school reunion when she asked Mike about ignoring her?

She learned that Mike had been struggling with a concussion, which was so overwhelming that he didn't even notice her trying to be seen by him.

What is the concept of 'negativity bias' as discussed in the script?

Negativity bias is a psychological tendency to focus more on negative experiences and emotions than positive ones. It's a cognitive bias that can distort our perception of the world and our interactions with others.

How does the speaker describe the process of creating stories about others?

The speaker explains that our brains instinctively weave two stories about others: one about who they might be based on clues they offer, and another about what we assume they're thinking about us. These stories shape our interactions.

What are the four basic elements of negativity bias as identified by researchers Paul Rosen and Edward Royman?

The four basic elements are negative potency, which is the idea that negative events or emotions have a greater impact and are remembered more; the other three elements are not specified in the script.

How can awareness help in overcoming negativity bias?

Awareness of the negativity bias allows us to notice a disconnect between our brain's predictions and the actual interaction, giving us a choice to either cling to our preconceived stories or confront the possibility that we might be wrong.

What are the three steps the speaker suggests to counter negativity bias?

The three steps are to be calm, which provides a foundation for constructive interaction and clear thinking; to be curious, which involves questioning automatic narratives and seeking to understand others; and to be connected, which involves active engagement and creating a space for open and honest communication.

How does the speaker define 'connection' in the context of overcoming negativity bias?

Connection is defined as going beyond mere social interaction to encompass a deep understanding and shared experience. It involves active listening, empathy, and a genuine interest in the well-being of others.

What is the ultimate goal of the speaker's message about overcoming negativity bias?

The ultimate goal is to transform the way we perceive and respond to others by becoming aware and intentional in our communication, which can lead to more authentic and meaningful relationships.

What does the speaker suggest is the first step towards building deeper and more compassionate relationships?

The first step is changing the stories we tell ourselves about others and about ourselves, which involves understanding and owning our narratives to empower ourselves to be more authentic.

Outlines

00:00

💔 Misinterpretations in Adolescence

The speaker recounts her high school experience of having a crush on a baseball player named Mike, who never reciprocated her attention. She assumed he ignored her because he thought he was too good for her. Years later, she learned at a reunion that Mike had been dealing with a concussion, which affected his ability to focus and notice her. This story illustrates how our brains create narratives based on assumptions about others' thoughts and feelings, which can lead to misunderstandings and negatively impact our self-worth and relationships.

05:03

🧠 Understanding Negativity Bias

The speaker delves into the concept of negativity bias, first identified by researchers Paul Rosen and Edward Royman, and explains its four basic elements, with a focus on 'negative potency.' This bias causes negative events to have a more significant impact and be more memorable, leading to self-fulfilling prophecies where our brains seek evidence to confirm negative narratives. The speaker emphasizes the importance of awareness in overcoming this bias and suggests that questioning our assumptions and approaching interactions with a fresh perspective can help counteract the negativity bias.

10:04

🌟 Overcoming Bias for Authentic Connections

The speaker outlines strategies to overcome negativity bias: being calm to access higher levels of executive functioning, being curious to question automatic narratives and understand others, and being connected to foster meaningful engagement. She stresses the importance of active listening, empathy, and genuine interest in others' well-being to create open and honest communication. The speaker concludes by highlighting the importance of authenticity in our interactions, suggesting that by understanding and owning our narratives, we can present our true selves to the world and build deeper, more compassionate relationships.

Keywords

💡Crush

A 'crush' refers to a temporary, intense but not exclusive romantic attraction towards someone. In the script, the speaker had a crush on Mike, a varsity baseball player, and planned to cross paths with him at school, illustrating the theme of unrequited affection and the stories we create around romantic interests.

💡Negativity Bias

Negativity bias is a psychological phenomenon where the mind gives greater importance to negative experiences or information over positive ones. The script discusses this concept extensively, explaining how it can distort our perceptions and interactions with others, as seen in the speaker's assumption about Mike's indifference.

💡Concussion

A 'concussion' is a traumatic brain injury often caused by a blow to the head, leading to impaired cognitive function. In the script, Mike's concussion is revealed as the reason for his lack of attention towards the speaker, showing that first impressions and assumptions can be misleading.

💡Projection

Projection is a psychological defense mechanism where one's own feelings, thoughts, or motives are attributed to someone else. The speaker projected her feelings of inadequacy onto Mike, assuming he thought he was 'too good' for her, which is a key example of how our internal narratives can affect our understanding of others.

💡Authenticity

Authenticity refers to the state of being true to one's own personality, spirit, or character. The video emphasizes the importance of authenticity in relationships, suggesting that by understanding and owning our narratives, we can present our true selves to others, rather than wearing 'masks' shaped by societal expectations or personal insecurities.

💡Awareness

Awareness, in the context of the script, refers to the conscious recognition of one's own biases and thought patterns. It is the first step in overcoming negativity bias, as it allows individuals to notice when their brain's predictions do not align with reality, as illustrated by the speaker's realization about her assumptions regarding Mike.

💡Curiosity

Curiosity is portrayed as an antidote to preconceived notions in the script. It involves questioning automatic narratives and seeking to understand others, rather than jumping to conclusions. The speaker encourages adopting a curious mindset to foster deeper connections and more accurate interpretations of others' actions.

💡Connection

Connection, as discussed in the video, is about creating meaningful engagement with others through active listening, empathy, and genuine interest. It is a pathway to overcoming the barriers of negativity bias and fostering a space for open and honest communication, where both parties feel seen and heard.

💡Self-Fulfilling Prophecy

A self-fulfilling prophecy is a belief that, due to its own influence, causes the predicted outcome to occur. The script mentions that negative events 'stick' and can become self-fulfilling prophecies, as our brains look for evidence to confirm the negative stories we tell ourselves, which can distort our perceptions and interactions.

💡Indifference

Indifference refers to a lack of interest or concern. The script uses the concept of sensing indifference from others, like the speaker's perception of Mike's behavior, to illustrate how this can lead to negative assumptions and affect our responses in social interactions.

💡Masks

Masks, in the video, symbolize the facades or roles we adopt due to societal expectations or personal insecurities, which can obscure our true selves. The speaker suggests that by becoming aware and intentional in our communication, we can drop these masks and present our authentic selves to others.

Highlights

The speaker had a crush on a high school baseball player named Mike and tried to cross paths with him, but he barely noticed her.

The speaker told herself a story that Mike thought he was too good for her, which affected her self-worth and dating life for years.

At a high school reunion, the speaker learned Mike had been struggling with a concussion and was not ignoring her, revealing the power of self-created narratives.

The brain instinctively creates stories about others based on limited clues, which can lead to misunderstandings and negative interactions.

The speaker emphasizes the importance of not creating stories about what others think of us and instead being curious about their lives.

Negativity bias is hardwired into our brains, making us more likely to remember and focus on negative events and emotions.

Negativity bias can distort our perception of the world and our relationships, leading to assumptions of negative intentions from others.

The term 'negativity bias' was first coined by researchers Paul Rosen and Edward Royman, who identified four basic elements of this bias.

The concept of 'negative potency' suggests that negative events have a stronger impact and tend to be remembered more vividly.

Our brains look for evidence to confirm negative stories we tell ourselves, creating self-fulfilling prophecies.

The speaker suggests that awareness is the first step in overcoming negativity bias and countering its effects.

Being calm is essential for constructive interaction and clear thinking, helping to mitigate the influence of negativity bias.

Cultivating curiosity about others and questioning automatic narratives can reveal misconceptions and promote understanding.

Active and meaningful engagement with others, through active listening and empathy, can lead to deeper connections.

Transformation involves not only perceiving others differently but also presenting ourselves authentically to the world.

Authenticity in communication involves understanding and owning our narratives, allowing us to be our truest selves.

Changing the stories we tell ourselves about others and ourselves is crucial for building deeper, more compassionate relationships.

Transcripts

[Applause]

when I was in high school I had a bit of

a crush on a varsity baseball player

named Mike every day when I'd get to

school I'd try to figure out if we were

going to cross paths during the day and

sometimes it would just happen but most

of the time it was something I kind of

had to plan out I'd go stand near his

locker looking cute and when I say cute

I meant really

cute but despite my best attempts

despite furiously batting my

eyelashes he never gave me a second look

in fact he barely even talked to

me and in response I did what everyone

else would do what we do all the time

whether we realize it or not when this

kind of thing

happens I told myself a story about what

he was thinking about me and why he was

ignoring

me I told myself that he was thinking

that he was too good for me that he was

way too cool and that I wasn't nearly

cool enough to hang out with him and the

rest of the In

Crowd and the sad fact is that story set

the tone for my dating life for quite a

few

years it took a long time for me to

realize that I was actually good enough

to be someone's partner

I ran into Mike at our 20-year High

School reunion and I asked him why did

you ignore me all those years

ago I mean I realized that a long time

had passed but I just had to

know and what I learned was

revealing the whole time I was trying to

capture his eye in high school he'd been

struggling with a

concussion and it seriously imp acted

not only his grades and his ball playing

but his General ability to focus on

anything in school including

me in fact he said that his

preoccupation and anxiety were so

overwhelming that he didn't even see me

there trying to be seen by

him this happens all the

time when we meet someone our brain

instinctively weaves two stories of

about them one is about who this person

might be pieced together from whatever

small Clues they

offer the other is a slightly more

Insidious narrative about what we assume

they're thinking about

us these two stories shape all our

interactions believing that someone

values us that they like us that they're

willing to talk to us can lead to

positive engagement

whereas sensing indifference or

hostility generally results in our

responding in a similar

way and that's what happened with

Mike I told myself a story an incredibly

negative story about what he was

thinking about

me and that his lack of

recognition was a reflection of my

worth but in

reality I didn't know what he was

thinking

and I certainly didn't have a clue what

he was actually going

through we need to stop creating stories

about what other people are thinking and

instead become intentionally curious

about others and what's really going on

in their

lives this way we create deeper more

meaningful Connections in our

relationships now the good news is it's

not

you it's your

brain see the core of the problem is our

brains are hardwired for negativity

study after study has shown that rather

than responding freshly to new scenarios

our brains tend to make predictions

based on past

experiences and this negativity bias

when coupled with assumed negative

intentions from others can result in

distorted narratives that block genuine

relationships

and this bias isn't just a fleeting

emotional response it's hardwired into

our brains and while it might have kept

us safe once upon a time it can

significantly distort our perception of

the world and our interactions with

others leading us to presume negative

intentions in our

relationships now most of us know that

negativity bias is a thing but the fact

fact is it is much more of a thing than

most of us

realize the term negativity bias was

first coined by a pair of researchers

named Paul Rosen and Edward royman and

they identified four basic elements of

this bias the first and most

foundational of which they call negative

potency and this is the idea that though

negative and positive events or emotions

may carry an equal impact might even

carry a similar emotional weight it's

the negative ones that mean the most we

remember them we return to them over and

over they

stick and these Impressions become

self-fulfilling

prophecies our brains start looking for

evidence to confirm the negative stories

that we're telling

ourselves and we don't know that we do

this we just do it and the problem

becomes ESP especially serious when we

begin projecting these negative biases

onto others when we assume they hold

unfavorable views of

us so what are we to

do well the first step in overcoming

this negativity in countering it really

because we're never going to get over it

all together is

awareness the negativity bias is like

any other bias until we know it's

operating in our system we can't do

anything about

it but when we notice a disconnect

between what our brain is predicting and

the actual interaction we're faced with

a

choice do we cling to our preconceived

stories about

others or do we confront the

possibility that we might be

wrong it's essential to question these

narratives and break free from our past

experiences by approaching each

interaction with a fresh

perspective and the antidote to

overcoming preconceived notions is to be

calm be

curious and be

connected the first is be

calm this is the foundation for

constructive interaction as well as

clear

thinking achieving a state of calm is

crucial in mitigating the built-in

influence of our

negativity when when we're calm our

brains are able to access higher levels

of executive functioning which is

responsible for things like rational

thinking and emotional

regulation a calm mind is capable of

processing information

objectively the second is be

curious adopt a curious mindset about

others and even

yourself this involves questioning the

automatic narratives we construct and

instead seeing seing to understand

others we need to stop jumping to

conclusions and start reaching out

instead when we do it can reveal

misconceptions in our interpretations of

others actions and intentions it gets us

past the story we're telling ourselves

about what other people are thinking

about

us and third be

connected this is the pathway to seeking

active and meaningful engagement with

others now this goes Way Beyond mere

social interaction and instead

encompasses a deep sense of deep

understanding and shared

experience you do this through active

listening through empathy and through a

genuine interest in the well-being of

others connection is about creating a

space where open and honest

communication can flourish where both

parties feel seen and

heard ultimately this isn't just about

the way we perceive and respond to

others but about the way we show up in

the world and that's what I want to

leave you

with transformation is not just about

the way we perceive others but the way

we present ourselves to

others we need to ask what am I thinking

about what others are thinking while

also asking what am I telling you about

me this shift marks a crucial step

towards authenticity and our

interactions it's only when we become

aware and intentional in the way we

communicate with others that we can

begin to drop the masks we unconsciously

wear these masks shaped by ego shaped by

society's

expectations even shaped by our own

negativity about ourselves and others

obscure who we really

are by understanding and owning our

narratives we Empower ourselves to be

more authentic the fullest truest

versions of who we really

are changing the stories we tell

ourselves about others and to ourselves

about

ourselves is the first step towards

building deeper more compassionate

relationships thank you

[Applause]