Your FEAR MIND and narcissistic relationships

Summary

In this insightful video, Dr. Romy delves into the impact of fear in narcissistic relationships and its subsequent effect on life choices. She discusses how fear can generalize beyond the relationship, leading to risk aversion and self-doubt. The video encourages viewers to explore their fears, consider how they would act without fear, and emphasizes the importance of healing from the fear mind to make more authentic, self-assured decisions.

Takeaways

• 😨 Narcissistic relationships are characterized by chronic fear, including fear of getting things wrong, fear of rage, and fear of abandonment.
• 🤔 The fear in these relationships can lead to existential concerns such as questioning one's identity and self-worth outside of the relationship.
• 🚫 Fear can generalize to other areas of life, causing individuals to become risk-averse and second-guess their decisions, leading to inaction or overcompensation.
• 🔮 The 'fear mind' struggles with decision-making, often anticipating failure and being impulsive, which can affect personal and professional choices.
• 🧠 Healing from narcissistic relationships involves addressing the internalized fear and learning to trust oneself again, making decisions from a place of curiosity rather than fear.
• 🤷‍♂️ The fear response can be protective, but it can also hinder personal growth and exploration, leading to a state of anxious arousal and hypervigilance.
• 💡 Becoming curious about one's fears, their origins, and their reality is a crucial step in the healing process and moving beyond the fear mind.
• 🛑 Recognizing the physiological role of fear in keeping us safe and then consciously allowing oneself to see beyond it is part of the healing journey.
• 💪 Healing involves a deep dive into one's fears, understanding their impact, and making choices that align with personal goals and interests, rather than fear-driven decisions.
• 🌐 The speaker encourages individuals to consider how they would act if they were not afraid, suggesting that this perspective can lead to more deliberate and thoughtful actions.
• 🌟 The ultimate goal of healing from a narcissistic relationship is to find a balance between caution and fearlessness, embracing one's authentic self and making choices that reflect personal values and aspirations.

Q & A

What is the main theme of Dr. Romy's YouTube channel?

The main theme of Dr. Romy's YouTube channel is on narcissism, focusing on narcissistic relationships, healing from these relationships, and dealing with the fear and anxiety that arises from them.

Why are narcissistic relationships often characterized by fear?

Narcissistic relationships are characterized by fear due to the unpredictability and potential for rage from the narcissistic person, which can be triggered by seemingly small things, leading to a constant state of anxiety and fear of the relationship ending.

What are some of the common fears experienced in narcissistic relationships?

Common fears in narcissistic relationships include fear of getting things wrong, fear of rage, fear of disappointing the narcissist, fear of the relationship ending, and existential fears about one's identity and self-worth.

How does the fear experienced in narcissistic relationships affect other areas of life?

The fear experienced in narcissistic relationships can bleed into other areas of life, causing a person to become risk-averse, distrusting of themselves, and hesitant to take reasonable risks or make decisions outside of the relationship.

What is the 'fear mind' and how does it impact decision-making?

The 'fear mind' is a state of mind where fear dominates decision-making, leading to avoidance of decisions, impulsivity, and an expectation that things will go wrong. It can cause a person to hold back or take unnecessary risks, rather than making thoughtful choices.

How does the fear mind affect an individual's approach to life after a narcissistic relationship?

The fear mind can cause an individual to continue living in a state of anxious arousal and hypervigilance, holding back from taking chances and believing in themselves, which can hinder personal growth and exploration of new opportunities.

What is the significance of asking 'How would you respond if you were not afraid?'

Asking 'How would you respond if you were not afraid?' is a way to encourage individuals to consider their actions and decisions without the influence of fear, allowing them to explore what they truly want and believe in, rather than being driven by fear.

What is the role of curiosity in the healing process from a narcissistic relationship?

Curiosity plays a crucial role in the healing process as it allows individuals to explore their fears, question their origins, and understand the reality of their fears. It helps in moving away from a fear-based approach to a more thoughtful and deliberate way of living.

How can an individual begin to heal from the fear mind?

An individual can begin to heal from the fear mind by starting with curiosity about their fears, understanding their origins, and examining the reality and irrationality of these fears. This involves a deep dive into their emotional responses and a gradual shift towards a more self-assured and self-trustful mindset.

What is the difference between making decisions based on fear and making decisions based on curiosity?

Decisions based on fear are often impulsive, avoidant, or overly cautious, driven by a desire to avoid negative outcomes. In contrast, decisions based on curiosity involve a thoughtful exploration of options, a consideration of personal interests and goals, and a willingness to take reasonable risks.

How does the process of individuation and healing relate to overcoming fear?

Individuation and healing involve reaching a point where an individual can wonder and explore how they would move through the world without fear, and then taking steps to understand and address the root causes of their fears, ultimately leading to a more authentic and self-assured way of living.

Outlines

00:00

😨 Fear in Narcissistic Relationships

Dr. Romy discusses the pervasive fear experienced in narcissistic relationships, characterized by the fear of making mistakes, facing rage, or ending the relationship due to minor errors. This fear is compounded by the unpredictability of the narcissist's reactions, leading to a state of constant anxiety and hypervigilance. The fear can extend into other areas of life, causing individuals to become risk-averse and second-guess their decisions. The internalized critical voice from the narcissist can lead to self-doubt and a tendency to hold back or take extreme risks. Healing involves overcoming this fear response and learning to trust oneself again.

05:02

🤔 Moving Beyond Fear: The Path to Healing

This paragraph explores the idea of what actions one might take if they were not governed by fear in their life, particularly outside of the context of a narcissistic relationship. It suggests that without fear, individuals might make more deliberate and thoughtful decisions, rather than being driven by avoidance of failure or rejection. Dr. Romy encourages curiosity about one's fears, their origins, and their reality, as a means to begin healing. The process involves recognizing the protective nature of fear while also challenging its influence to live more authentically. The ultimate goal is to move from a place of fear to one of curiosity and self-exploration, allowing for more genuine decision-making and personal growth.

Keywords

💡Narcissism

Narcissism refers to a personality disorder characterized by an inflated sense of self-importance, a need for excessive admiration, and a lack of empathy. In the context of the video, it is the central theme, as the script discusses the impact of narcissistic relationships on individuals, particularly in terms of the fear and anxiety they induce.

💡Fear Mind

The 'fear mind' is a concept that encapsulates the mental state where fear is the dominant emotion, influencing thoughts and actions. The video script discusses how fear mind is a common experience in narcissistic relationships, leading to a pervasive sense of anxiety and avoidance of risks, which can extend to other areas of life.

💡Healing

Healing, in the script, refers to the process of recovery and growth following the trauma of being in a narcissistic relationship. It involves overcoming the fear mind and developing a healthier approach to decision-making and risk-taking, which is essential for personal growth and self-trust.

💡Trauma

Trauma is defined as a deeply distressing or disturbing experience that can have lasting effects on an individual's mental and emotional state. The video script uses the term to describe the psychological impact of being in a relationship with a narcissist, which can lead to long-term fear responses and hypervigilance.

💡Risk Aversion

Risk aversion is the tendency to avoid actions with uncertain outcomes, often due to fear of failure or negative consequences. The script illustrates how individuals in narcissistic relationships become risk-averse, second-guessing themselves and holding back from taking reasonable risks in life.

💡Existential Fear

Existential fear refers to a deep-seated anxiety about one's existence, identity, and purpose. The video script mentions this concept when discussing the fear of losing oneself in a narcissistic relationship and the subsequent questioning of one's self-worth and identity.

💡Hypervigilance

Hypervigilance is a state of increased alertness and anxiety, often resulting from past trauma. In the context of the video, it is described as a protective mode where individuals remain on guard against potential threats, which can be a response to the fear and unpredictability in narcissistic relationships.

💡Impulsivity

Impulsivity is the tendency to act suddenly without forethought, often driven by intense emotions or desires. The script suggests that fear mind can lead to impulsive behavior, as individuals may make decisions without fully considering the consequences, out of a desire to avoid anticipated negative outcomes.

💡Individuation

Individuation is a psychological process of becoming an individual, marked by differentiation from others and the development of one's own personality. The video script implies that healing from narcissistic relationships involves a journey of individuation, where one learns to trust their own judgment and make decisions independently.

💡Curiosity

Curiosity, in the script, is presented as a positive trait that can help individuals move beyond fear and explore new possibilities. It is suggested as a way to approach life decisions without being driven by fear, allowing for a more thoughtful and self-determined process.

💡Abandonment

Abandonment is the act of leaving someone without support or care, which can be a source of deep emotional pain. The video script discusses the fear of abandonment as a primal wound that individuals in narcissistic relationships often experience, leading to a fear of failure and a reluctance to take risks.

Highlights

The discussion focuses on healing from narcissistic relationships and the impact of fear in these dynamics.

Fear is a chronic presence in narcissistic relationships, stemming from fear of getting it wrong, rage, and disappointment.

Narcissistic relationships are characterized by unpredictability and rage, which can trigger existential fears about one's identity and self-worth.

The fear mind can bleed into other areas of life, causing a general avoidance of risks and a lack of trust in oneself.

Internalized critical voices from the narcissist can lead to self-doubt and a fear of failure, impacting decision-making.

Fear can lead to both holding back and taking massive risks, showing the complex impact of fear on behavior.

Healing involves considering how one would respond if they were not afraid, encouraging a more deliberate approach to life decisions.

The fear response can continue to affect individuals even after leaving a narcissistic relationship, leading to a state of anxious arousal and hypervigilance.

Curious exploration of one's fears can be a starting point for healing, by understanding the origins and reality of these fears.

Healing is about moving from a protective mode to a curious and thoughtful approach to life choices.

The speaker emphasizes the importance of individuation and healing by imagining life without fear and examining the impact of narcissistic behaviors.

Unpacking the fear of abandonment, a common issue in narcissistic relationships, can be a step towards understanding and healing.

The speaker suggests that healing involves moving from fear to disgust, as a way to reframe the experience of narcissistic behaviors.

Healing from trauma involves physiologically consoling oneself and recognizing the protective role of the fear response.

The journey of healing is about slowly stepping back from fear and considering life choices without the influence of fear.

The speaker encourages taking off the 'fear glasses' and looking at life with a different perspective as part of the healing process.

Transcripts

hey everyone it's Dr Romy welcome back

to this YouTube channel on narcissism

and narcissistic relationships healing

from these relationships and we're going

to talk about healing and the fear mind

today narcissistic relationships are

chronic places of fear from pretty early

on fear of getting it wrong fear of Rage

fear of disappointing them fear of the

relationship ending if you do even one

thing wrong fear that you are to blame

it makes sense because narcissistic

relationships are so characterized by

rage and an

unpredictability you don't always know

what sets the narcissistic person off

and a small thing can result in them

having a big blow up if you don't go

along you may face the silent treatment

passive aggression or abandonment which

can bring up more fear there is also an

existential fear raised by these

relationships a sense of who am I

without this relationship why can't I

get it right what is wrong with me ask

anyone in or even out of a narcissistic

relationship a prevailing emotion in the

relationship was either fear or

anxiety

unfortunately this fear mind starts to

bleed into other areas of your life

because not only only do narcissistic

relationships fill you with fear they

also leave you feeling risk averse you

no longer trust yourself you may even

have an instinct to do something and

then you second guess yourself and you

hold back fear of failing fear of being

made fun of for failing fear of doing

the wrong

thing when we view this from a trauma

and parts model some of that holding

back

is that part of you that is trying to

protect you from

failure and then subsequently the

anticipation of the narcissistic

person's anchor or mockery jumping in

there while the voices you hear within

you are you stupid you're never going to

be able to do that certainly they feel

harmful they're also simultaneously

protective because yes failure will be

met with shame and more abuse or

humiliation from the narcissist IC

person even when you are not doing

something that has anything to do with

the narcissistic person their

internalized voice the fears you carry

within you generalize and thus for years

in school work and life you may hold

back and not try or in some cases you

may overdo it on the other side and take

massive risks that could place You In

Harm's Way

it's hard to find your middle of

trusting yourself and making reasonable

risks now if you grew up with

narcissistic parents in many cases this

fear-based approach can mean that you

don't take chances you don't believe in

yourself and you approach things with a

fear mind and fear Minds

avoid a fear mind struggles to make make

a decision a fear mind assumes it will

all go wrong and expects it to go wrong

a fear mind can be impulsive and this

fear mind can also spring up in adult

narcissistic relationships

too so that leads to a big

question that relates to

Healing how would you

respond if you were not afraid

obviously in places other than the

narcissistic relationship because those

are

scary it's okay to be cautious in the

narcissistic relationship because yes

they will snap and bite and criticize

but what about everything else in your

life which is really what

matters what would you do there how

would or could you respond if you were

not

afraid because that is what healing is

the fear response that

just bothers and gets so many people

after and during narcissistic

relationships can mean that you continue

to live in what feel like trauma

responses a state of anxious arousal

hypervigilance and that takes up a lot

of

bandwidth you are still in protective

mode and protective mode can often mean

that you hold back which makes sense

your sympathetic nervous system screams

no no no no no no danger failure is

possible ahead humiliation looks around

that corner abandonment is sure to come

if you speak your

mind but what would you

do if you were not fearful

interestingly I know that most folks

would not throw caution to the wind and

you wouldn't become a a big Fearless

Rebel when you are not afraid you

actually may be more deliberate weigh

things out but not just say no I can't

but rather H let me think on this and do

a deeper

dive into whether I want to do something

and whether you believe you can do

something how it fits for you as a

person with your

goals your choices aren't rejected from

a place of Fe fear nor are they

impulsively engaged in but they're

thought

through as you heal you become more

Curious you wonder if something could be

right for you you actually think about

your you the essence of you so now you

may decide to take the job not because

you're afraid that if you don't take

this job another won't come not because

that if you don't then people will leave

you or think you are a

loser but because the job is something

that you are interested

in it's different to make a choice from

that place or you may decide to not take

the job not because you think you will

fail at it but because it isn't a good

fit the pay isn't enough or it's not

compelling enough again you are curious

about it you explore it and make your

choice not

theirs I am not saying that this is easy

and you can start this journey of

curiosity by being curious about your

fear the origin of it the reality of it

what you are really afraid of listen

folks if you're going to be living in

fear then at least unpack it for example

if you are afraid of

Abandonment if you fail at something

first of

all not such a bad thing if the

narcissistic person went away but I know

it's not that simple but that

abandonment wound is often Primal for us

so be curious where is that

from perhaps you had a withholding

narcissistic

parent or a narcissistic person who

would disappear or give you the silent

treatment or perhaps there was some

other early loss in the early to middle

part of healing fear is everywhere but

you have to pull the weed out from the

very bottom roots or it will come

back individuation and healing mean

getting yourself to this point of

wondering how you would move through the

world if you were not afraid and then

really do a deep dive into the reality

and not and the not reality of your

fears the narcissistic person may make

fun of you if you don't do well for

example but so what you know that their

maneuver is to try to make themselves

big to leave you small to fill their

supply needs and to dominate they really

aren't making fun of you they're just

trying to make themselves

taller but while it is happening none of

it feels good however even getting it

out of the realm of fear into the realm

of disgust

is an important

pivot healing from trauma in all its

forms is about healing the fear mind

physiologically consoling ourselves

recognizing that the fear response keeps

us

safe and then allowing ourselves to see

how it all

works I'm going to ask it

again how would you move through the

world if you weren't afraid of The

Narcissist there is a lot of you that

the world needs to see start with

curiosity and see if you can slowly step

back out of it take those fear glasses

off and put a different pair on thanks

again