The Surprising Traits Avoidant Partners Find Attractive

Summary

Le script explore le style d'attachement évité, soulignant la crainte de perte d'autonomie et la valorisation de l'indépendance. Il détaille les cinq traits qui attirent les partenaires évités, tels que l'indépendance, la confiance, la communication directe et la force émotionnelle. Le script aborde également les paradoxes de l'attirance et le piège 'anxiété-évitement', où les partenaires se poursuivent et s'évadent alternativement. Il insiste sur l'importance de la communication directe et des émotions fortes comme catalyseurs de changement et de croissance dans une relation, invitant à ne pas cacher ces aspects mais à les utiliser pour explorer la compatibilité et renforcer le lien.

Takeaways

• 🧠 Le style d'attachement évité est caractérisé par une distance émotionnelle pour préserver l'indépendance, résultant d'une peur de dépendance ou de manipulation émotionnelle.
• 🔄 Les personnes ayant un style d'attachement évité peuvent être issues de modèles familiaux où les émotions étaient refoulées ou où les signaux d'affection étaient imprévisibles et incohérents.
• 🚫 Ils ont tendance à éviter les situations qui pourraient provoquer la peur de se faire étouffer ou contrôler, en particulier en évitant les conflits et en minimisant les conversations émotionnelles.
• 💭 Bien qu'ils puissent sembler distants, les partenaires évités sont souvent extrêmement sensibles et réactifs à l'énergie des autres, ce qui les pousse à demander de l'espace.
• 🤝 Les partenaires évités sont attirés par l'indépendance, la confiance en soi, la communication directe et la force émotionnelle chez autrui, bien que cela puisse paraître paradoxal.
• 💔 L'intensité émotionnelle peut à la fois attirer et effrayer les partenaires évités, car elle représente une polarité qu'ils ont souvent refoulée ou coupée en eux-mêmes.
• ❤️ L'intensité émotionnelle des partenaires anxieux peut être un cadeau pour les partenaires évités, car elle peut les aider à surmonter leur peur et à ouvrir leur cœur.
• 🔄 La peur de l'abandon ou de l'engagement peut conduire les partenaires évités à maintenir des relations de surface, évitant ainsi les plans à long terme ou les conversations approfondies.
• 🔄 L'attraction entre les partenaires anxieux et évités peut être le résultat d'une dynamique de poursuite et d'évasion, où les rôles peuvent changer au fil du temps.
• 💬 La communication directe et ouverte est essentielle dans les relations où l'un des partenaires est évité, car elle peut aider à briser les cycles de comportements défensifs.
• 🌟 L'autorité émotionnelle et la capacité à gérer ses propres émotions sont des traits appréciés par les partenaires évités, bien que cela puisse entraîner des défis pour inclure l'autre dans le processus émotionnel.

Q & A

Qu'est-ce que le style d'attachement évitant et comment se manifeste-t-il?

Le style d'attachement évitant est un comportement où les individus maintiennent une distance émotionnelle pour préserver leur indépendance. Cela découle d'une peur fondamentale d'être manipulés ou dépendants émotionnellement. Ils évitent les situations qui pourraient stimuler cette peur d'être étouffés ou contrôlés.

Quels sont les cinq traits qui attirent les partenaires évitants?

Les cinq traits qui attirent les partenaires évitants sont l'indépendance, la confiance en soi, la communication directe, l'indépendance financière et l'intelligence émotionnelle.

Pourquoi les partenaires anxieux et évitants s'attirent-ils mutuellement?

Les partenaires anxieux et évitants s'attirent parce qu'ils représentent des pôles opposés émotionnels. Les partenaires anxieux peuvent être attirés par l'indépendance des évitants, tandis que les évitants peuvent être attirés par l'intensité émotionnelle des partenaires anxieux.

Comment les partenaires évitants peuvent-ils montrer de l'affection profonde?

Les partenaires évitants peuvent montrer de l'affection profonde par des signes subtils comme la demande d'espace, l'évitement des conflits ou la minimisation des conversations émotionnelles, qui peuvent être mal interprétés comme de la distance ou de l'indifférence.

Quels sont les défis auxquels les partenaires évitants pourraient faire face dans une relation avec un partenaire anxieux?

Les défis comprennent la gestion de l'intensité émotionnelle, l'apprentissage de la communication directe et l'ouverture à l'intimité, tout en préservant leur propre autonomie et en respectant les besoins de l'autre.

Comment les partenaires évitants peuvent-ils agir lorsqu'ils sont amoureux?

Lorsqu'ils sont amoureux, les partenaires évitants peuvent être plus réceptifs à l'idée d'une relation interdépendante, être prêts à partager leurs sentiments et leurs pensées, et chercher à équilibrer leur besoin d'indépendance avec leur désir d'être proches de leur partenaire.

Pourquoi les partenaires évitants peuvent-ils être attirés par l'indépendance des autres?

Ils sont attirés par l'indépendance des autres car cela reflète ce qu'ils valorisent en eux-mêmes, à savoir la capacité de se suffire et de maintenir leur autonomie dans une relation.

Quelle est la signification de la confiance en soi pour les partenaires évitants?

La confiance en soi signifie que les partenaires évitants sont attirés par ceux qui se sentent complets et autosuffisants, ne nécessitant pas la validation d'autrui pour se sentir bien ou répondre à leurs besoins.

Pourquoi la communication directe est-elle importante pour les partenaires évitants?

La communication directe est importante car elle permet d'éviter les attentes non exprimées et les malentendus. Elle est appréciée car elle reflète une honnêteté et une transparence qui sont en accord avec les valeurs de l'indépendance et de l'auto-suffisance.

Comment la force émotionnelle peut-elle attirer les partenaires évitants?

La force émotionnelle attire les partenaires évitants car elle indique que la personne est capable de gérer ses émotions de manière autonome, ce qui réduit la turbulence émotionnelle dans la relation et correspond aux désirs des évitants d'éviter les conflits.

Quels sont les aspects sombres de l'attraction évitante et comment peuvent-ils influencer les relations?

Les aspects sombres de l'attraction évitante comprennent la tendance à éviter la confrontation et à chercher de l'espace, ce qui peut créer un cycle de poursuite et d'échappement dans la relation. Cela peut également conduire à une incompréhension mutuelle si les partenaires ne sont pas prêts à s'ouvrir et à communiquer leurs besoins émotionels.

Outlines

00:00

🔒 L'attachement évitatif : Attrait et comportements amoureux

Le premier paragraphe introduit le concept d'attachement évitatif, une tendance à maintenir une distance émotionnelle pour préserver l'indépendance. Il explique que ce comportement découle d'une peur de dépendance émotionnelle, ce qui conduit à valoriser l'autosuffisance. Les personnes avec un attachement évitatif peuvent avoir des modèles de comportement tels que l'émotion distance, la réticence à s'engager, et une tendance à éviter les conflits émotionnels. Le texte souligne que, malgré une apparence de manque d'émotion, ces individus sont souvent extrêmement sensibles et réactifs aux émotions des autres. Ils sont attirés par l'indépendance, ce qui peut créer des défis dans les relations avec les partenaires anxieux.

05:00

🤔 Les traits attirants pour les partenaires évitants et le piège anxieux-évitant

Ce paragraphe explore les traits qui attirent les partenaires évitants, notamment l'indépendance, la confiance en soi, la communication directe et la force émotionnelle. Il est mentionné que ces traits sont appréciés non seulement par les partenaires évitants, mais aussi par les partenaires sains et anxieux. Le texte aborde également le paradoxe de l'attraction pour la communication directe, bien que les partenaires évitants puissent craindre les confrontations. Il est également questionné de la tendance des partenaires évitants à être attirés par des partenaires anxieux, ce qui peut conduire à un cycle de poursuite et d'évasion dans la relation, ce que l'on nomme le piège anxieux-évitant.

10:01

💥 Intensité émotionnelle : Élément attirant et repoussant pour les partenaires évitants

Le troisième paragraphe examine la complexité de l'attraction pour l'intensité émotionnelle, qui peut à la fois effrayer et attirer les partenaires évitants. Il est expliqué que cette intensité représente une polarité qu'ils ont souvent refoulé. L'auteur suggère que l'intensité émotionnelle des partenaires plus anxieux est un cadeau précieux pour les partenaires évitants, car elle peut les aider à surmonter leur peur et à ouvrir leur cœur. Le texte met en évidence l'importance de ne pas cacher ses émotions et de ne pas marcher sur des œufs autour d'un partenaire évitant, car cela contribue à perpétuer leurs mécanismes de défense et empêche une connexion authentique.

15:03

🗣️ Communication émotionnelle : Un cadeau pour le changement

Dans ce paragraphe, l'auteur insiste sur l'importance de la communication émotionnelle directe et honnête, surtout dans les relations insécurisées. Il est souligné que la peur de l'abandon et de la critique doit être transformée en une expression de sentiments authentiques qui peuvent aider à surmonter les barrières émotionnelles. L'auteur propose un cours pour améliorer la communication dans les relations et invite les téléspectateurs à s'inscrire et à s'abonner pour ne rien manquer de futurs contenus.

Keywords

💡attachement évitement

L'attachement évitement est un style comportemental où les individus maintiennent une distance émotionnelle pour préserver leur indépendance. Dans le contexte de la vidéo, c'est un mécanisme de coping né d'une peur fondamentale d'être manipulé ou dépendant émotionnellement. Par exemple, les personnes ayant un attachement évitement valorisent l'autosuffisance et évitent les situations qui pourraient déclencher leur peur d'être étouffés ou contrôlés.

💡indépendance

L'indépendance est un trait attrayant pour les partenaires évitants, comme mentionné dans le script. Cela fait référence à la capacité de quelqu'un à avoir sa propre vie, ses propres passions et à ne pas chercher une complétion par une autre personne. Dans le script, il est dit que les partenaires évitants sont attirés par ceux qui semblent être des 'deux moitiés interdépendants' plutôt que des 'deux moitiés'.

💡confiance

La confiance est un autre trait qui est apprécié par les partenaires évitants. Cela implique une assurance en soi et une indépendance émotionnelle où une personne n'a pas besoin d'une autre pour valider ses sentiments ou ses besoins. Dans le script, cela est illustré par l'idée que les partenaires évitants sont soulagés par la capacité d'autrui à gérer leurs propres affaires sans avoir besoin de leur validation.

💡communication directe

La communication directe est appréciée car elle implique de clairement exprimer ce que l'on veut et a besoin, évitant ainsi les attentes non exprimées ou l'ambiguïté. Même si les partenaires évitants peuvent craindre les confrontations, ils admirent cette qualité chez les autres, comme indiqué dans le script.

💡force émotionnelle

La force émotionnelle fait référence à la capacité de quelqu'un à gérer les hauts et les bas de la vie avec calme et composure. Cela est particulièrement attrayant pour les partenaires évitants qui évitent généralement les conflits et la turbulence émotionnelle. Dans le script, il est mentionné que les partenaires évitants sont attirés par ceux qui peuvent traiter leurs émotions de manière autonome.

💡intensité émotionnelle

L'intensité émotionnelle peut à la fois effrayer et attirer les partenaires évitants, car elle représente une polarité qu'ils ont souvent réprimée ou coupée en eux-mêmes. Le script explique que bien que cela puisse les effrayer, c'est aussi ce qui les attire souvent, car cela reflète une partie d'eux-mêmes qu'ils n'ont pas permis de ressentir.

💡comportement défensif

Le comportement défensif est un mode de communication où les individus cherchent à se protéger des sentiments ou des situations qui les mettent mal à l'aise. Dans le script, il est expliqué que les partenaires évitants ont tendance à adopter ce comportement, ce qui peut empêcher la connexion authentique dans une relation.

💡communication courageuse

La communication courageuse est un concept abordé dans le script qui encourage les individus à exprimer leurs sentiments de manière directe et honnête, tout en restant centrés et ouverts à la contribution de l'autre partie. Cela est particulièrement important dans les relations insécures où les partenaires évitants et anxieux peuvent avoir des défis à surmonter.

💡comprendre la compatibilité

Comprendre la compatibilité signifie explorer et évaluer si deux personnes partagent des valeurs, des priorités et une vision du futur communes. Dans le script, il est souligné que travailler sur la communication peut aider à déterminer si les partenaires sont réellement compatibles, en dépassant les comportements de défense et en se concentrant sur une connexion authentique.

💡changement personnel

Le changement personnel est un thème clé dans le script, où il est question de la nécessité pour les partenaires évitants de se laisser influencer par l'intensité émotionnelle de leur partenaire pour potentiellement évoluer et surmonter leurs mécanismes de coping. Le script met en avant l'idée que le changement doit venir de l'intérieur et que la volonté de l'autre partie est essentielle.

Highlights

Avoidant partners maintain emotional distance to preserve independence.

Avoidant attachment is a coping mechanism born from fear of emotional manipulation or dependence.

People with avoidant attachment equate emotional closeness with a loss of personal autonomy.

Avoidant individuals may have experienced dismissive avoidance or fearful avoidance in their past.

Avoidant partners may show emotional distance, hesitate to commit, and keep conversations superficial.

Avoidant partners are often deeply sensitive and reactive due to their sensitivity.

Avoidant partners are attracted to independence, confidence, direct communication, and emotional strength.

Anxious partners may misinterpret an avoidant partner's need for space as a lack of interest.

Avoidant partners appreciate independence in others but struggle with inviting partners into their life.

Direct communication is admired by avoidant partners, even though they may shy away from it themselves.

Emotional strength is attractive to avoidant partners, as it indicates the ability to process emotions independently.

The 'anxious-avoidant trap' describes the dynamic where one partner chases while the other withdraws.

Avoidant partners may be attracted to emotional intensity as it represents a polarity they have suppressed.

Emotional intensity from an anxious partner can be a gift that helps avoidant partners grow.

Avoidant partners may need to learn to participate in emotional processing with their partners.

The pain experienced in an avoidant-anxious relationship can be a catalyst for change.

Effective communication is key to discovering compatibility in avoidant-anxious relationships.

The speaker offers a course called 'Courageous Communicator' to improve communication in insecure relationships.

Transcripts

- What do avoidant partners find attractive

and how do they act when they're in love?

Why is it that anxious

and avoidant partners attract each other?

Okay, so to answer this question,

I wanna briefly review the

definition of avoidant attachment.

We're gonna take a look at some traits

that they may find attractive.

We're also gonna talk about what are some challenges

that they might face in a relationship

with an anxious partner that in order to grow

and also how they might act when they're in love.

There are also a few signs

that are probably a little bit surprising

that are indications that they have deep affection for you,

but you might read them as the opposite of that.

So I'd invite you to grab a pen and paper,

'cause you're gonna wanna stick with me until the end.

And also make sure that you leave some comments

and questions as I go through just to let me know

that you are connecting with this.

So first let's just do a brief synopsis.

You know, what is avoidant detachment style?

So avoidant detachment is a behavioral style

where individuals maintain a degree of,

let's call it emotional distance,

because they are hoping to preserve their independence.

And so at its core, this pattern is a coping mechanism

that's born out of a fundamental fear

of being emotionally manipulated or dependent upon.

And there's a high value placed on things like

self-reliance as a result.

So psychologically speaking, people

with avoidant attachment styles tend to equate

emotional closeness

and intimacy with a loss of personal autonomy.

And so they wind up steering clear of situations

that could stimulate these deeply ingrained fears of being

smothered or controlled or subsumed.

Okay? And that's usually

because in their past they experienced some degree of either

for dismissive avoidance, they were, it was modeled for them

that emotions were either unacceptable

or only certain emotions were acceptable.

And so there wasn't a lot of modeling

or education around how to connect to your feelings,

and in fact, disconnecting from them was preferable.

So that tends to be more of a dismissive avoidant story.

We have the fearful avoidance story,

and this is more where there's the manipulation of emotions,

unpredictable, inconsistent,

and unpredictable shows

of affection than being withdrawn due

to conditions of worth, right?

Conditions of love.

So there were more mixed signals involved in the early

childhood experience

and there may have also been some trauma connected to that.

Now, some signs of avoidant attachment are things such

as the emotional distance that I described.

So they might be with you,

but you might feel like they're not fully there.

They may hesitate to commit to things like future plans,

even if they tend seem to like to talk about it

or fantasize about it,

they may not actually take action towards that thing.

They may tend to keep conversations at

kind of a surface level.

Now, it's not that they are, they are fundamentally

unemotional or uncaring, it's just

that they're really careful about allowing people

to get too close to their emotional core.

So they may dodge things like conflict

or minimize emotional conversations

because sometimes those things disrupt a very carefully

balanced sense of self.

And this can be held together by rigid,

but they're truly fragile boundaries, right?

Because if you are worried about creating space, because

unless your partner gives you space you can't find your own

emotional equilibrium,

then you're not really emotionally free.

And there's a fragility in that.

So this is why there's that misconception

that avoidant partners are uncaring.

On the contrary, they're usually deeply sensitive

individuals, which is why they are so reactive, okay?

And because they are sensitive to other people's energy,

this is why they usually ask for space

or they, they shy away from things like emotional

intensity, okay?

And oftentimes it's because they don't realize it's

because they're very sensitive.

So the other question,

what are avoidant partners attracted to?

I'm gonna offer you five traits

that avoidant partners find attractive.

And I might argue, you know, even secure

and anxious partners would likely

find these things attractive.

So the first one is independence, right?

And that's probably not a surprise.

They tend to gravitate towards people

who have their own lives, have their own passions,

and seem to be seeking a partnership that is made

of two holes, two interdependent holes, not two halves.

Okay? So they might say something like,

I love our time together, but I also want solo weakens so

that I can recharge right

now in an anxious avoidance situation, that idea

that I need a solo weekend to recharge,

it could trigger an anxious partner to say, why do you need

to get away from me to recharge?

Why isn't that it that spending time together

supports you and recharges you?

And that is because for the anxious partner, in contrast,

they their time with you,

their time together is recharging for them.

Okay? So it's important to understand there's a little bit

of a nuanced difference there.

At the same time, avoidant

or anxious partners can appreciate the independent nature

of the avoidant partner because it

may be something that they admire.

'cause they feel like they lack that sense

of independence within themselves.

Okay? We're gonna talk more about that in just a second.

The second thing is confidence partners who carry themselves

with assurance that they're not looking for someone

or something else to complete them.

Okay, I'm happy with who I am

and I don't need someone to validate

my feelings or my needs.

This is a level of confidence

that sometimes our open hearts are seeking, right?

That they're struggling with self-sufficiency.

So someone who can manage their own affairs

for avoidant partners,

they feel like it alleviates the pressure to have

to be responsible for somebody else.

And they may take pride in things like managing their own

finances or managing their own schedules

because they feel like it allows them

to express their autonomy.

Of course, the shadow aspect of this is they may not know

how to invite their partners into a conversation about

something that actually affects both of them.

Especially because if one person's making independent

decisions that affect the relationship,

then it's not just affecting them,

it's also affect affecting their partner.

So learning how to open up

and invite co-creative solutions, invite a dialogue

around what's gonna be useful for each one individually

and the relationship together is really important.

And that's a growth challenge.

And this might be surprising,

but they also appreciate direct communication.

Someone who expresses what they need and want plainly

and avoids that dance of ambiguity or unspoken expectations.

Even though sometimes avoidant partners themselves shy away

from being direct 'cause they have a fear of confrontation,

but they tend to admire it in others.

And so there can be a paradoxical presentation here in their

attraction, right?

They like someone who's direct and upfront and plain

and transparent, but then at the same time,

they themselves are not always so plain and transparent.

That's one of the paradoxical aspects of attraction.

And again, we're gonna talk about this in just

more deeply in just a sec.

The last thing is emotional strength.

What do I mean by emotional strength?

This is someone who has the capacity to navigate, let's say,

the rollercoasters of life with composure.

They are able to process their own emotions

independently enough so

that the relationship doesn't suffer a lot of turbulence.

Okay? Avoid partners tend to avoid conflict.

They don't usually like a lot

of emotional turbulence in a relationship.

And so they may be drawn to someone who can be

somewhat self-contained in terms of

how they're processing their emotions, which isn't right

or wrong, it's just one way of moving through the world.

Whereas sometimes our open hearts,

and even to some degree, our fearful avoidant ice wipers,

they tend to need and want a partner

to assist in the emotional processing,

or at least to be a participant in the emotional processing.

And so if an avoidant partner is paired with an anxious one,

they will have to learn to some degree to participate in

that activity because this is one of the gifts

that the anxious partner has to give them, right?

Learning about how we can contribute

to each other's emotional experiences doesn't have

to be this parallel play all the time.

Right? Now, in speaking about the paradoxes around

what attracts them, I do wanna talk a little bit about the

shadow aspect of avoidant attraction, okay?

And this is, this speaks to what I have referred to

as the anxious avoidant trap.

That situation where we tend

to find avoidant partners paired with an anxious partner,

or it could be a fearful avoidant partner paired

with an anxious or avoidant partner

because the spice of life

or the fearful avoidant encompass embodies both avoidant

and anxious tendencies.

So for example, if we have a fearful avoidant paired

with an anxious partner, the anxious partner is usually

gonna polarize the fearful avoidant to become more avoidant.

If the fearful avoidant is paired with an avoidant partner,

then the avoidant partner is gonna polarize the fearful

avoidant or the disorganized partner

to become increasingly anxious.

Okay? So when we sit, when I say the anxious boy

and trap, I'm talking about a situation

where in the relationship it either there's someone

who is always chasing the other

and the other's always running away,

or there's a circumstance where one chases the other

until this person finally turns around

and starts to reciprocate,

and all of a sudden the chaser becomes the runner.

And it's this sort of back and forth that starts to occur.

Okay? When that happens, usually one

or both of them actually has disorganized attachment

or fearful avoidance going on.

I wanna talk about this in terms of what I'm gonna refer to

as the shadow aspect of attraction.

Meaning why these relationships can be so catalytic

because they are demonstrating to us an aspect of ourselves

that we have repressed or buried or denied for some reason.

And we are intensely drawn to this person

because they serve as some kind of focal point, conduit,

or container for us to realize those suppressed parts

and access them for ourselves.

And so we feel tremendously enlivened in their presence

because in being, in their presence,

they call up feelings parts of ourselves

that we hadn't allowed ourselves

to experience or express before.

So I wanna talk about this in the context of our questions.

Why is it that an avoidant partner

for all these other traits that we mentioned

and some of the paradoxical presentations

of those attractive traits, why is it

that emotional intensity may scare them off,

but also be the thing that attracts them?

Well, because it is the polarity that emotional intensity

represents the polarity that they have often suppressed

within themselves or cut themselves off from internally.

So this is why a lot

of avoidant partners may not consciously say

that they want emo an emotionally intense partner,

but then they usually wind up attracting them

and then experiencing significant chemistry with them.

So I would argue this is their spiritual assignment

for growth, right?

And you, if you are the anxious partner or the,

or the more anxious partner,

then your emotional intensity is really the greatest gift

that you can afford this partner.

So do not hide it. Do not walk on eggshells.

Do not try to suppress that, okay?

Now you might say, well,

I thought I was supposed to give them space.

So stick with me for a second

because I wanna offer you three reasons why this emotional

intensity is a gift to your partner.

So the first thing, avoid and partners close up,

because that was the safest way to find relief from fear

and anxiety in their experience to the threat

to their attachment relationships.

And it it, they were right.

They've developed this coping mechanism

because it was the most functional way

to survive in the environments in which they grew up,

or in the, the social structures in which they grew up.

But in doing so, they also learned

to shut out all the good feelings,

shut out all the bad feelings,

but also shut out all the good feelings.

And so they haven't seen

or experienced proof enough proof in their life

that the pain, if they were

to allow in the pain is worth

the pleasure that might come with it.

And so your emotions can be evidence, the evidence

that they need to see the value in opening up, right?

Secondly, if you are the partner

that is walking on eggshells, when you do this,

you accommodate and perpetuate those coping

- Mechanisms.

You allow that partner to hide from you,

and then you wind up hiding from them, right?

Because when you're, when you allow them to hide from you,

you clam up, you walk on eggshells,

you don't wanna push too hard

'cause you don't wanna seem like a burden.

All of a sudden you're doing the same thing, aren't you?

You are hiding from them.

And so now it's a cycle

where both partners are losing out on the depth

of connection and understanding

that could be exchanged in this relationship.

So your emotions, if you are the anxious partner

or the more anxious partner, is really a potent energy

that can catalyze both of you out of hiding, right?

And sometimes the relationships becomes so tumultuous

because it does, you both feel really exposed

and now all your defense mechanisms are in an uproar

because you don't know what to do with that exposure.

Now, number three, your pain.

If you are experiencing pain in this kind

of tumultuous situation,

the pain is a consequence of avoiding pain.

Let's call that a behavior that was functional

and now is dysfunctional

because they're in a new situation where love is trying

to come in and they're not allowing it in.

And so unless we express how we feel

and we are withholding the consequence of

that dysfunctional behavior,

we're not giving our partners any reason to change.

We wanna curl up like a little crab and pull in

and you wanna tighten up and,

and you, you wanna just wait for the storm to pass.

Okay? I'll just let you do that.

There's no impetus to change, right?

'cause they haven't seen the proof of changing as yet,

and you're just letting that happen.

So there's no reason for them to change simultaneously.

If you do that now you're keeping yourself stagnant,

not truly knowing if the two of you are compatible.

It's really just defensive communication now

and defensive patterning

and coping mechanisms that are going on between you.

It's all this goop layered on top of

what is the real connection here, okay?

So unless you're willing to work through communication,

which is why I believe communication is the rule out factor

to find out if you really are compatible,

unless you're willing to work through that communication,

you're never gonna know if you really are compatible,

because maybe beneath all of that triggering goop,

you really do have the same values, priorities,

and vision for the future, right?

But if you're too worried about coming from a place of fear

and self-protection, then you're never gonna find out if

it's possible to explore those things together, right?

And that's why our emotions are a catalyzing gift

for change in an avoidant partner is if they're ready

to receive it right now, they have

to be ready to receive it.

They need to be willing to step up to the plate

so you can do your due diligence.

Meaning, you know, learning how to express your feelings

to a partner can be somewhat of a fine art

because it is important what you say

and how you say it, especially to an avoidant partner.

I would argue that many

of us in Western culture at least have been taught

terrible communication skills.

And oftentimes I'll encounter clients who say, well,

I am being honest about how I feel, but they're not.

They're using language that they were taught to.

This is how you express how you feel.

But it's actually defensive language

that puts people on the defense.

So for example, well, I told them how I felt.

I told them I felt abandoned.

Abandoned is not a feeling word.

Abandoned is an evaluation of what they are doing.

It's still decentering you. Okay?

Because there's an invisible

by you at the end of that sentence.

I feel abandoned by you.

And so you're still criticizing, evaluating

what the other person is or is not doing.

You're still assessing what is my proximity

to them in this relationship and so on.

So how do we shift that language?

Well, we center it back inside the body,

and we notice that feelings are

energy moving through your body.

So when you feel abandoned, what is

that energy moving through your body?

How does that feel? Hollow, heavy, lonely,

detached, and so on.

Maybe angry, frustrated, helpless, right?

So these are words that are closer

to the energetic emotional experience that you're having.

And the closer we can express ourselves an approximation

to the truth of what we're experiencing, the more,

the less time you spend trying to fill up the space

between you and someone on someone else out of fear.

And the more time you spend sucking

that right back into your own centered, grounded energy,

holding that center line

and saying, this is what I'm feeling, what's going on inside

of me, and I'm gonna extend the invitation

because I wanna connect with you.

I wanna invite you into being a contributor

to my emotional experience.

And if you decline to participate in that experience, then

that's really good information for me.

That lets me know our degree of compatibility. Okay?

So if you wanna learn more about how

to avoid walking on eggshells

and trying to, let's say step out of your center through,

things like that, encourage you.

I'm gonna leave a link in the caption of this video

or in the replay that will give you a link to my course,

the Courageous Communicator, which is available now,

and it's gonna walk you through my three step hip

communication formula and how

to do this particularly in insecure relationships.

Okay? So just an aside about that, also remember

to subscribe and ring the bell for notifications.

I put out videos once a week

and I wouldn't want you to miss out.