Couples Therapist: 5 Steps to Repair Conflict in Your Relationships | Eight Dates

Summary

In this video, licensed marriage and family therapist Stephanie shares five essential steps for resolving conflict in relationships, based on the research of John and Julie Gottman. She emphasizes the importance of focusing on emotions, validating each other's experiences, identifying triggers, taking accountability, and planning for better communication in the future. By applying these steps, couples can foster empathy, improve communication, and prevent conflicts from escalating, ultimately leading to healthier, more resilient relationships.

Takeaways

• 😀 Conflict is inevitable in relationships; the goal is not to avoid it but to resolve it effectively.
• 😀 Communication during conflict should focus on understanding the other person's perspective, not winning the argument.
• 😀 Step 1: Focus on feelings – Share how each person felt during the conflict to foster empathy.
• 😀 Step 2: Share your perspective – Be open to validating each other's experiences without being defensive.
• 😀 Step 3: Identify your triggers – Recognize the underlying issues or emotions that escalate conflicts, like feelings of rejection or inferiority.
• 😀 Step 4: Take accountability – Acknowledge your own role in the conflict and work on personal behaviors contributing to poor communication.
• 😀 Step 5: Plan for the future – Create a strategy for how to handle conflicts more effectively, focusing on mutual understanding and behavior changes.
• 😀 Emotional triggers are often tied to past experiences, such as childhood or previous relationships, which can escalate conflicts.
• 😀 Validation of your partner’s feelings is key in resolving conflicts, even if you don't agree with their perspective.
• 😀 It’s important to give each other space to process emotions, but also communicate before frustration builds up too much.
• 😀 Taking responsibility for your part in the argument is essential for repairing the relationship and preventing future issues.

Q & A

Why is conflict inevitable in relationships?

Conflict is inevitable because relationships involve people with different perspectives, needs, and emotions. It’s natural for disagreements to arise, but the key is how you manage and resolve them.

What is the goal when dealing with conflict in a relationship?

The goal is not to avoid conflict entirely, but to communicate openly and resolve it in a way that strengthens the relationship. The focus should be on mutual understanding rather than winning the argument.

What is the first step in resolving conflict according to the Gottmans?

The first step is to focus on your feelings. Each person should express how they were feeling during the argument or leading up to it, which helps to create empathy and understanding.

Why is validation important in resolving conflict?

Validation is key because it acknowledges the other person’s emotions and perspective, even if you disagree. It helps to prevent defensiveness and fosters a more constructive conversation.

What should you avoid doing when validating your partner's experience?

You should avoid invalidating their feelings or experiences, such as denying or minimizing their emotions. Instead, focus on understanding and acknowledging their perspective.

What role do triggers play in conflict resolution?

Triggers are emotional responses rooted in past experiences, such as feelings of rejection or being ignored. Recognizing and understanding your triggers helps to manage escalations in arguments.

How can identifying triggers help in a relationship?

Identifying triggers helps you understand what causes emotional escalations. By recognizing these triggers, you can avoid or address them more effectively, leading to better communication and fewer conflicts.

What does taking accountability in a conflict look like?

Taking accountability means acknowledging your own role in the conflict and identifying how your actions or communication style may have contributed to the disagreement. This self-awareness is crucial for resolving issues.

How can couples plan to handle conflicts differently in the future?

Couples can plan by discussing what worked and what didn’t in past conflicts, agreeing on strategies for handling future disagreements, such as taking breaks to cool down or using better communication techniques.

What is the importance of having a clear plan for handling future conflicts?

Having a plan in place helps both partners navigate disagreements more effectively and reduces the chances of the conflict escalating. It also creates a sense of security and mutual respect in the relationship.