Dismissive Avoidant Attachment Style

Summary

This discussion delves into the dismissive avoidant attachment style, exploring its roots in childhood and how it manifests in adulthood. Dismissive avoidant individuals tend to be independent, prioritize work over relationships, and struggle with deep emotional connections. They may find intense emotions uncomfortable and often avoid emotional vulnerability. The conversation highlights how dismissive avoidant people can improve their personal relationships by practicing empathy and valuing emotions. The dialogue also offers tips for parents to encourage healthier emotional development in their children, emphasizing the importance of embracing all emotions.

Takeaways

• 🧑‍🔬 The dismissive avoidant attachment style, identified by Mary Ainsworth, is characterized by minimal distress when a primary caregiver leaves and a lack of emotional response upon their return.
• 👶 Children with dismissive avoidant attachment may show indifference to caregivers and strangers alike, not seeking comfort or closeness.
• 👨‍👩‍👧 Parents who discourage negative emotions or are highly career-driven can contribute to a child developing a dismissive avoidant attachment style.
• 💼 As adults, dismissive avoidant individuals often excel in work environments that value independence and may gravitate towards leadership roles.
• 🚫 Dismissive avoidant people tend to avoid deep emotional connections and may struggle with intimacy in personal relationships.
• 🤝 They can have successful relationships with others who share the same attachment style or with those who are securely attached.
• 😟 A pairing between dismissive avoidant and anxious preoccupied attachment styles can lead to an unhealthy dynamic where one seeks more closeness than the other is comfortable providing.
• 👨‍💼 In the workplace, dismissive avoidant individuals might choose jobs with high autonomy and may be more authoritarian in leadership positions.
• 🏥 Therapy can help dismissive avoidant individuals recognize and work on their emotional blocks to improve personal relationships.
• 🌟 It's possible for dismissive avoidant individuals to develop secure attachments and emotional resilience with self-awareness and practice.
• 👨‍👩‍👧‍👦 Parents with dismissive avoidant attachment can foster healthier attachments in their children by encouraging the expression of both positive and negative emotions.

Q & A

What is a dismissive avoidant attachment style?

A dismissive avoidant attachment style is characterized by individuals who show little distress when their primary caregiver leaves and do not seek much comfort upon their return. They are highly independent, prefer emotional distance, and tend to avoid deep emotional connections.

How do dismissive avoidant individuals behave as adults?

As adults, dismissive avoidant individuals tend to be highly independent and self-reliant. They often prioritize work over relationships, avoid intense emotional situations, and are comfortable being alone. They may also have difficulty forming deep emotional connections with others.

How might a dismissive avoidant attachment develop in childhood?

A dismissive avoidant attachment may develop in childhood if a child’s emotions, especially negative ones, were not validated by their caregivers. Parents who were emotionally distant, authoritarian, or focused on productivity may inadvertently communicate to the child that expressing emotions is a sign of weakness.

Can two dismissive avoidant individuals have a successful relationship?

Yes, two dismissive avoidant individuals can have a successful relationship because they are both comfortable with emotional distance and independence. However, they may face challenges in developing deeper emotional intimacy.

What type of person is a 'nightmare' for someone with a dismissive avoidant attachment style?

An anxious preoccupied person is often a 'nightmare' for someone with a dismissive avoidant attachment style. The anxious preoccupied individual tends to seek constant reassurance and emotional closeness, which conflicts with the avoidant person’s desire for emotional distance and independence.

How does a dismissive avoidant attachment style affect someone's work life?

In the workplace, dismissive avoidant individuals tend to excel. They prefer jobs that allow them autonomy, and they are often successful in leadership roles. However, their emotional distance and tendency to prioritize work over relationships can make it difficult to balance personal and professional life.

How can a dismissive avoidant person improve their personal relationships?

To improve personal relationships, a dismissive avoidant person can work on 'flexing their emotional muscle' by engaging with others emotionally, making more eye contact when someone expresses distress, and being present without an agenda. Practicing empathy in everyday situations can also help.

Why might someone with a dismissive avoidant attachment prefer long-distance relationships?

A dismissive avoidant person may prefer long-distance relationships because it allows them to maintain emotional distance. The physical separation enables them to interact with their partner less frequently, which aligns with their comfort in being emotionally independent.

How can parents with a dismissive avoidant attachment style foster healthier emotional development in their children?

Parents with a dismissive avoidant attachment style can encourage their children to express both positive and negative emotions. It’s important to validate all emotions and teach healthy coping mechanisms, rather than only rewarding positive emotions and dismissing or punishing negative ones.

What is the key challenge for dismissive avoidant individuals in relationships?

The key challenge for dismissive avoidant individuals in relationships is balancing their need for independence with the emotional needs of their partner. They must learn to value emotional connection and be present for their loved ones, even if it is uncomfortable for them.

Outlines

00:00

🔍 Overview of Dismissive Avoidant Attachment Style

This paragraph introduces the concept of the dismissive avoidant attachment style, describing the findings from the Mary Ainsworth study. Children with this style show little distress when separated from their caregivers and demonstrate minimal emotional reactions upon reunion. As adults, dismissive avoidant individuals are highly independent, tend to avoid intense emotions, and may focus more on work than personal relationships. The paragraph also touches on the influence of parenting styles, particularly authoritarian or highly industrious parents, in shaping this attachment style.

05:00

🤔 The Impact of Dismissive Avoidant Attachment in Relationships

This section explores the dynamics of relationships involving dismissive avoidant individuals. These individuals can function well with securely attached partners, but they struggle with anxious preoccupied individuals who require more emotional attention. In such relationships, dismissive avoidants become more distant, while anxious partners become needier. The paragraph also highlights how dismissive avoidants excel in professional environments, often gravitating towards independent roles or leadership positions due to their comfort with autonomy and productivity.

10:01

💡 Personal Growth through Self-Awareness and Therapy

Here, the speaker shares their personal journey of recognizing the challenges posed by their dismissive avoidant attachment style, particularly in friendships and intimate relationships. Therapy helped them become more emotionally available and taught them that attachment styles are not permanent. With self-awareness and tools, individuals can shift towards healthier attachment behaviors. The paragraph emphasizes the importance of understanding the benefits of a securely attached lifestyle, even for those with avoidant tendencies.

15:02

🌍 Flexing Emotional Muscles and Embracing Vulnerability

This paragraph provides practical advice for dismissive avoidants to improve their relationships by embracing emotional vulnerability. It highlights the need to sit with emotional distress and engage more deeply in emotional exchanges, such as making eye contact during distressful moments. The speaker reflects on personal growth, such as practicing empathy in everyday situations, and the value of expanding beyond work to appreciate the emotional aspects of life. This practice helps balance productivity with emotional connection.

👪 Fostering Emotional Openness in Children

This section discusses how dismissive avoidant parents can promote healthier emotional development in their children. It emphasizes the importance of encouraging both positive and negative emotions, allowing children to express their full emotional range. The paragraph includes a humorous anecdote about a parent who removed 'negative emotions' toys from their child's set, reinforcing the idea that all emotions are valid. The key is teaching coping skills while supporting emotional expression.

💬 Accepting the Emotional Spectrum as Normal

In this concluding paragraph, the speaker reinforces the idea that it’s acceptable for children, and even adults, to experience a full range of emotions, including sadness. They encourage people, especially children, to push back on dismissive reactions from parents or others, asserting that all emotions are valid. The section closes by noting that dismissive avoidants can still have deep, loving relationships, but they need to challenge their avoidance of emotional connection and embrace a broader emotional spectrum.

Keywords

💡Dismissive avoidant attachment

A type of attachment style characterized by emotional distance and a preference for independence. In the video, it is described as individuals who show little distress when separated from caregivers and avoid deep emotional connections. This style often leads to discomfort with intense emotions and difficulty in forming close relationships.

💡Mary Ainsworth study

Refers to the 'Strange Situation' experiment conducted by developmental psychologist Mary Ainsworth, which identified different attachment styles in children based on how they responded to separation and reunion with their caregivers. In the video, dismissive avoidant children are described as continuing to play without distress when their caregivers leave, highlighting their emotional self-sufficiency.

💡Highly independent

A key trait of dismissive avoidant individuals, emphasizing their reliance on self-sufficiency and reluctance to depend on others. In the video, this independence is linked to success in work environments, where these individuals often thrive due to their autonomy.

💡Emotional avoidance

A defense mechanism where individuals distance themselves from intense emotional situations. The video discusses how dismissive avoidant individuals often avoid emotionally charged interactions, particularly in intimate relationships, preferring to focus on work or other tasks.

💡Anxious preoccupied attachment

An attachment style characterized by a strong need for closeness and fear of abandonment. The video contrasts this with dismissive avoidant attachment, noting that the two styles often clash in relationships because anxious individuals seek more emotional connection than dismissive avoidants are willing to provide.

💡Workaholism

A term used to describe individuals who prioritize work over other aspects of life, often to the detriment of their personal relationships. The video explains that dismissive avoidant individuals may become workaholics as a way to avoid emotional intimacy and prioritize productivity.

💡Authoritarian parenting

A strict, controlling parenting style that can lead to dismissive avoidant attachment in children. The video mentions that children raised by authoritarian parents may learn to suppress emotions, especially negative ones, resulting in emotional distance and self-reliance as adults.

💡Emotional vulnerability

The willingness to openly express emotions, particularly negative ones, in personal relationships. In the video, it is discussed as a skill that dismissive avoidant individuals struggle with, and they are encouraged to practice emotional vulnerability to improve their relationships.

💡Long-distance relationships

Relationships where partners live far apart and see each other infrequently. The video mentions that dismissive avoidant individuals may prefer long-distance relationships because they allow for emotional distance and less frequent interaction, which aligns with their attachment style.

💡Coping skills

Strategies used to manage emotional distress. The video highlights the importance of teaching children, especially those with dismissive avoidant tendencies, how to cope with negative emotions rather than suppress them, fostering healthier emotional development.

Highlights

Dismissive avoidant attachment style individuals show little distress when their primary caregiver leaves.

They acknowledge the caregiver's return but do not seek closeness.

Dismissive avoidants may be indiscriminate with affection towards caregivers and strangers.

As adults, dismissive avoidants are highly independent and may be workaholics.

They tend to avoid intense emotions and may withdraw from emotional situations.

Dismissive avoidants are comfortable being alone and invest less in emotional life and relationships.

Parents of dismissive avoidant children may discourage negative emotion expression.

Authoritarian parenting style may lead to dismissive avoidant attachment.

Dismissive avoidants fare well in work environments but struggle in intimate relationships.

They prefer independent jobs with autonomy and may take leadership positions.

Dismissive avoidants may judge people who are overly emotional.

Therapy can help dismissive avoidants develop emotional blocks and improve relationships.

Dismissive avoidants can improve personal relationships by flexing their emotional muscles.

They can practice empathy and emotional vulnerability in everyday situations.

Dismissive avoidants can benefit from valuing non-work aspects of life, like self-care and socializing.

Parents can foster healthier attachment in children by encouraging expression of all emotions.

It's possible for dismissive avoidants to have loving and connected relationships with self-improvement.

Transcripts

foreign

what is a dismissive avoidant attachment

style so the dismissive avoidant

attachment style in the Mary Ainsworth

study they showed very little distress

when their primary caregiver left kind

of just kept playing by themselves and

then when the primary caregiver returned

they kind of acknowledged them but they

kind of also didn't run to them really

they just sort of kept doing their own

thing and oftentimes they might even be

sort of indiscriminate in terms of their

affection towards their primary

caregiver versus maybe the stranger that

was in the room during this experiment

and as adults dismissive avoidant types

tend to be highly independent they're

highly industrial meaning that sometimes

they're Workaholics and they don't love

intense emotion when somebody shows a

lot of intense emotion whether it's a

partner or a friend they tend to kind of

go away from that a little bit they kind

of make an excuse to not get too

involved and generally they are really

comfortable being by themselves and they

tend to invest Less in their emotional

life and also in deeper attachments to

people than the average person you've

just explained me no that was a

biography of myself and that's Kyle so

does that mean my parents had this

likely had this same attachment well

it's interesting because as the parents

what they communicate oftentimes when

they raise a more dismissive avoidant

child is that you probably shouldn't

express your negative emotions that

maybe that's a sign of weakness in some

way that you really shouldn't do it

because people might take advantage of

you if you express too many of your

negative emotions so they weren't

rewarding their children for expressing

emotions especially negative ones that

could be a possibility when a parent is

more authoritarian with more boundaries

in between the parent versus a child

especially in terms of their emotional

communication that could lead to a more

dismissive avoidant Detachment or

parents who are highly industrial

themselves parents who were Workaholics

they instilled that type of a value in

their child so their child also then

prioritizes things like work can

productivity over relationships so it's

not all bad yes yeah I just wanted to

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medcircle.com alright now let's go back

to the discussion can someone with

dismissive avoidant attachment do really

well with somebody else who has the same

attachment yeah I think so and they tend

to do really well with securely attached

people too but you know what a

dismissive avoidance nightmare is the

anxious preoccupy person oh I bet right

so as we just talked about with the

anxious preoccupied individuals they are

so much more needy with their um asks of

nurturance and they really need to be

with you more often than probably the

dismissive avoidant person wants to be

with and so usually the relationships do

not turn out well unfortunately it kind

of reinforces the more unhealthy parts

of those attachment Styles you know the

preoccupied person becomes even more

needy and the avoidant person becomes

more distant as a result of being in

that interaction right right in

adulthood how would this person fare in

a work environment they tend to fare

very well in the work environment

dismissive avoiding people are highly

successful most of the times it's it's

the intimate relationships that tend to

cause more problems but in work they

tend to choose highly independent jobs

where they have a lot of autonomy if

they don't have a lot of autonomy and

they have to work with people they tend

to be in leadership positions they tend

to be more authoritarian on their own as

well so if they are going to lead

they're happy to sort of dictate what

other people have to do and they're very

comfortable with that they don't have to

necessarily be super Democratic about

the process they tend to be really

confident about their productivity and

so in work they choose jobs that are

very challenging jobs that might

actually take an exorbitant amount of

time because that then relieves them of

the need to develop a more fleshed out

emotional life with an intimate partner

is that still you

oh yeah oh yeah I mean I didn't even

know I was doing that yeah so people go

are you dating are you saying no I work

too much yeah I'm protected I'm

protecting myself

from doing from the emotions of a

potential relationship yeah and even if

you you are not necessarily spelling it

out loud and maybe you're not even

caught

aware of it dismissive avoidant types do

tend to judge people who are too

emotional like there is a judgment of

like that's way too reactive I'm guilty

yeah versus oh that's an appropriate

level of emotion right there's going to

be some judgment about how people are

showing or expressing their distress

yeah this is the reason I want people to

realize this is so me is because I have

gone to therapy and I have worked on my

emotional block

I recognized it was making

friendships and relationships difficult

it served me very well in work it did

not serve me well in relationships and

friendships people want emotion there

yeah I don't yeah so I had to go to

therapy to figure out how to do that

even when it's not part of my makeup and

that has helped me so much and the

reason I shared that is because what

whatever attachment style you're falling

in doesn't mean that's where you have to

stay it just means you have to be aware

of it learn the tools and techniques to

get out of it exactly and I think

understanding you know the benefits of

being more securely attached that's a

good point too you know kind of the

benefits of that you know the fearful uh

dismissive avoidant type obviously comes

with some benefits especially in the

work environment but as you mentioned

and friendships and intimate

relationships it's harder and even with

a securely attached individual

eventually they'll start to say hey you

know what like you're giving me one day

out of 10 days to see me see you and

that's kind of not okay with me you know

and So eventually they will need a

little bit more from you even if they're

very securely attached but again

dismissive avoided individuals tend not

to have that need so much so oftentimes

I see people who are dismissive avoidant

who end up in long-distance

relationships oh my goodness right it's

like well then I only have to deal with

you once every month

um and it's great and then the rest of

the time I just kind of call you to

check in but it's brief

um and so it's interesting the kind of

choices that they make and they also

make certain choices with their

friendships as well they tend to be a

little bit more comfortable with friends

who are really busy themselves and that

way again there's not that huge pull for

a lot

um they even the way that we react

sometimes to people who are sick you

know individuals who are more dismissive

uh avoidant they will kind of have a

more difficult time with people who are

expressing a lot of Frailty because it

means that they have to step up and do

more of the caretaking so oftentimes

they'll negotiate that with somebody

else like well let's divvy this up I

don't want to have to be the primary

caregiver here and so in general people

with dismissive abortion types are not

that interested in being in a caregiver

role period And so some dismissive

avoidant people may not necessarily want

to have children and when they do they

tend to still be at a more of an

emotional distance with their children

if they haven't worked on themselves

literally The producer's Laughing while

you're saying this because she knows

that's me she's laughing because she

goes that is literally Kyle we've had

these conversations you have a dog I

love her yeah but she's like the right

amount of well it isn't this all on a

spectrum too yeah I mean certainly this

is my attachment style but it doesn't

mean at all times in every scenario I am

this way I mean I I think if somebody

came to me with a real problem I would

be there for them so certainly this is

just a road map not a for sure

definition yeah what can somebody what

can us do the domestic avoidant people

what can we do to have better personal

relationships well I think there's a

couple of tips it's really about flexing

your emotional muscle a bit more and

again sitting with that distress but

when an anxious preoccupied person needs

to sit with the distress of being alone

the dismissive avoidant person needs to

sit with the distress of being around

people who are showing their emotions

and making eye contact when somebody is

crying and sitting with them with no

agenda of like okay I've got 20 minutes

and if you're not done crying then I'm

still leaving it's sort of like this is

open-ended you know I've volunteered to

come over here to soothe this person

because they're going through something

difficult and I've given myself the rest

of the evening if she needs me to be

here for that amount of time that's what

I'm gonna do yeah and sort of you know

again you have to work your way up to

that but even the the act of like making

more eye contact with somebody when

they're expressing distress it's really

interesting to watch somebody who has a

dismissive avoidance style that when

other people start crying just start

looking away yes right right versus the

anxious preoccupied person basically you

know you can think of attachment on on

two dimensions and one is

um highly avoidant versus low avoidance

and so the preoccupied person is low

avoidance they don't avoid emotions at

all so if somebody's crying like okay

like come on right here and they're

literally making so much eye contact

versus the dismissive avoidant person

who is high avoidance and so when they

see that they're like you know start

looking away and so even just a simple

Act of like really connecting with the

person right and looking at them when

they're expressing their negative

emotions to you and expressing their

pain is a really good place to start yes

last year Dr Romney uh I I made up my

goal to practice empathy and it was a

simple tip from Dr Romney but it really

changed the way I look at all

self-improvement and for me mental

health education is just

self-improvement that's what it is and

she said Kyle don't practice your

listening your emotional vulnerability

your empathy just in the big moments

that's not where you're supposed to

practice that's what's where you're

supposed to show up practice in the

moments that don't really matter when

you're sitting on a plane and somebody

starts talking to you about whatever I

the old Kyle would go okay whatever you

know put on my headphones try to get

into my own world quickly because I

don't want to talk to the stranger but

now I would use that as a time to

practice and go all right I don't really

care what this guy has to say but I'm

going to listen to him and I'm going to

be I'm going to fake interest I'm faking

it but I'm practicing because if I can

do it with a stranger then I can really

do it and really connect and really show

up and be present for the people in my

life who I love yeah and so to practice

we really mean that practice in these

scenarios that life presents to you

every single day yeah yeah and I think

for the dismissive avoidant person I

mean that's a great tip and I think

another tip is really about

starting to Value things other than your

industrial industrial life your work

life you know kind of like valuing

self-care valuing just sitting around

with a friend and having tea you know

valuing those things that are that are

different from like your high sense of

self in the career place you know sort

of like hey this is just as important as

finishing this project like starting to

have that idea about your life right so

so expanding what's important to you and

how you spend your time because I do now

value emotions more than I did I used to

view them as a weakness

oh that's a weak thing that's a negative

trait yeah but now I look at it because

I've learned so much I'm at Circle I go

how lucky what an amazing gift to be

able to tap into the real emotional side

of you and feel comfortable enough to

express it to somebody yes oh I would

love to have that yeah so what a gift

some of those people yeah

yeah I'll say as I've gotten older I've

valued things that are much more on the

emotional Spectrum myself or like things

that are not necessarily related to work

I mean I'm definitely a workaholic

myself and I think I still am but I have

learned to Value the time that I have

with loved ones at least on the same

level if not sometimes more you know

like maybe I wasn't that productive this

week but like think about all the

amazing time I spent with my friends

with my husband with my family really

seeing that as something that's

important and I think that you do learn

that over time that you know work can

only take you so far and then there's

this whole other side of yourself that

needs to be developed too we'll be back

with our discussion in just a little bit

but I wanted to remind you that Med

circle is not just a YouTube channel in

fact the med Circle membership which is

available in both monthly and annual

memberships can give you access to a

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get answers visit medcircle.com or use

the links below now let's go back to the

discussion

for parents out there who recognize this

attachment style in themselves what can

they do to foster a healthier child yeah

you know encouraging your children to

express emotion both positive and

negative sometimes parents again with

their own dismissive avoidant attachment

style will reward their kids for

positive emotions but not for the

negative ones it kind of almost even

being punitive for the negative ones and

so it's really about embracing all

emotion all emotions are good it's all

good

um I have this really funny example of a

client I was working with and you know

we have these little emotion cards and

like little emotions stuffed animals

that we use to teach little children how

to talk about emotions and it was so

funny because he took out the negative

emotions in his home set and he gave his

children only the power positive

emotions and I was like that is not it

was really funny how I found out was a

child came into session and was like you

have other ones that my Daddy doesn't

have in his collection but it's the same

exact set but he just removed the

negative emotions wow and so we kind of

had to talk about that and he's like I

just don't want them to think that life

is hard I'm like I get it I get it but

you can't like you can't stop those

emotions they're gonna happen they're

gonna happen

right so it's really about letting them

fall when you still have them under your

care letting them experience it and like

show them that you're still there for

them and so yeah so you have to just let

them know the whole spectrum is okay

with me yes um and then use that

opportunity to teach coping skills so I

think that's like a really good

compromise it's like let them experience

it but then the the dismissive avoidant

part of you can still use that

opportunity to say okay I know you feel

sad but here are some things you can do

right so that you can feel Less ad which

is healthy too which is totally healthy

but um and it's really interesting

because I've had to you know sometimes

tell people like hey sometimes you

express a negative emotion and you get

that feedback from a dismissive parent

you know even an adulthood like oh well

don't feel sad like why would you feel

sad about that and you literally have to

push back and say you know what it's

okay to feel sad and you don't have to

solve that problem for me so as children

get older I encourage them to give that

feedback to their dismissive avoidant

parent like hey

I'm fine and it's okay to be sad and I

don't need you to

cover it up for me like just because

you're uncomfortable with it I'm not and

I'm trying not to be you know that is it

excellent final words on dismissive

avoidant attachment

um you know I think it's really possible

as a dismissive avoidant person to still

have a really loving and connected

relationship so it's not that it's not

that they really truly don't want that

it's just that they've been raised with

different sets of values possibly about

what's important in life and not all of

it is bad and so it's really just about

challenging yourself to get a little bit

more comfortable with a spectrum of

human emotion that's right well I'm

doing it with with you guys right there

we'll talk about fearful avoidant

attachment style in our next session

thank you

[Music]