If An Avoidant Does THIS, They’re Not Coming Back
Summary
TLDRThis script delves into the behaviors of avoidant individuals, particularly in the context of relationships. It discusses the likelihood of avoidants ghosting and not returning, with a 70% chance based on a subreddit survey. The reasons for ghosting include emotional discomfort and fear of intimacy. The script also touches on the concept of avoidants rewriting history post-ghosting, detaching emotionally by downplaying past significance. It concludes with a poignant reflection on the avoidant's internal struggle and the ultimate realization of the importance of shared connections.
Takeaways
- 🔍 The script discusses avoidant attachment and its impact on relationships, focusing on ghosting behavior.
- 👻 Avoidant individuals are likely to ghost, with a 70% chance of never reaching out again after ghosting.
- 📊 Definitions of ghosting among avoidant people vary, but most see it as ending a relationship suddenly without explanation.
- 🌐 The avoidant attachment subreddit is highlighted as a resource for understanding the avoidant perspective on relationships and ghosting.
- 📉 Avoidants often ghost due to emotional discomfort, feeling overwhelmed, low self-worth, or fear of not meeting others' needs.
- 📚 The story of Christopher McCandless is used as a metaphor for the avoidant's struggle with connection and solitude.
- 💔 Ghosting can create a sense of scarcity, making the avoidant seem more valuable and potentially leading to a 'chaser' dynamic.
- 🔄 There's a high likelihood of recurring breakups if an avoidant returns to a relationship without resolving their attachment issues.
- 📝 Avoidants may rewrite history after ghosting, downplaying the importance of the relationship to emotionally detach.
- 🌱 The script suggests that avoidants may eventually realize the importance of shared connections, similar to McCandless's epiphany in 'Into the Wild'.
Q & A
What are the two actions that an avoidant person might take to completely cut someone out of their life?
-The two actions are ghosting and rewriting history with the person they're cutting out.
What percentage of avoidant individuals, according to the subreddit study, never reach out after ghosting someone?
-69% of avoidant individuals never reach out after ghosting someone.
How do avoidant individuals generally define ghosting?
-80% of avoidant individuals define ghosting as ending a relationship suddenly without an explanation.
What are the common reasons avoidant individuals ghost someone, as identified in the subreddit study?
-Common reasons include emotional discomfort or conflict, feeling overwhelmed by the other person's attachment or expectations, a belief that the other person deserves better, low self-worth, and fear of not being able to meet the other person's needs.
What is the term used to describe behaviors or thoughts that are used to avoid intimacy?
-The term used is 'deactivating strategies'.
What is the significance of the book 'Into the Wild' in relation to avoidant attachment?
-The protagonist, Christopher McCandless, is seen as a perfect example of a dismissive avoidant, who seeks isolation and shuns close relationships.
What does the avoidant person's rewriting of history with someone signify?
-It signifies deep emotional closure and a way for them to finalize their departure, ensuring there's no reason to return.
What is the likelihood of hearing from an avoidant person again if they ghost you?
-There's a 70% chance that you'll never hear from them again if an avoidant person ghosts you.
What is the paradox that exists inside avoidant individuals?
-The paradox is the coexistence of the need to be loved with the need to be alone.
What advice do avoidant individuals generally give to someone who has been ghosted by them?
-The general consensus is to give them space, but with a 70% chance of never hearing back, it becomes a moot point.
What is the 'forever alone train' mentioned in the script?
-It refers to the underlying fear that avoidants have that they're going to be alone forever, despite having the ability to change that.
Outlines
🔎 Understanding Avoidant Attachment and Ghosting
The paragraph discusses the study of avoidant attachment, focusing on how avoidant individuals handle breakups and the concept of ghosting. It highlights the lack of specific studies on avoidant attachment and the reliance on forums and social media for real-life insights. The avoidant attachment subreddit is introduced as a valuable resource, where a thread asking avoidant individuals about their experiences with ghosting provides a unique perspective. The study reveals that 69% of avoidant individuals never reach out after ghosting, suggesting a high likelihood of permanent disconnection. Definitions of ghosting vary, but most avoidants see it as either ending a relationship abruptly without explanation or slowly fading away with minimal communication.
💬 Reasons Behind Avoidant Ghosting
This section delves into the reasons why avoidant individuals ghost others, identifying five core themes: emotional discomfort or conflict, feeling overwhelmed by the other person's attachment or expectations, a belief that the other person deserves better, low self-worth, and fear of not meeting the other person's needs. It also touches on the 'forever alone' narrative that many avoidants seem to internalize, fearing permanent solitude despite the possibility of change. The story of Christopher McCandless from 'Into the Wild' is used as an allegory for the avoidant struggle between the desire for love and the need for solitude, ending with his realization that happiness is only real when shared, a sentiment that contrasts with his earlier avoidant behavior.
🚫 The Futility of Chasing Ghosted Avoidants
The paragraph addresses the common desire to win back an avoidant partner after being ghosted, questioning the rationale behind such pursuits. It suggests that the lack of explanation from the avoidant partner creates a sense of scarcity, which can lead to a strong, often irrational, reaction to 'fix' the relationship. The paragraph also points out that even if one were to rekindle a relationship with an avoidant who has ghosted, there's a higher chance of another breakup due to unresolved attachment issues. It emphasizes the importance of recognizing the avoidant's rewriting of history as a form of emotional detachment and a rationalization for their actions, which can be deeply hurtful to the person left behind.
🌟 The Inevitable Realization of Connection's Value
In the final paragraph, the narrative turns to the eventual realization by avoidant individuals of the importance of connection and shared experiences. It uses Christopher McCandless's final journal entry as a symbol of this epiphany, suggesting that even those with strong avoidant tendencies can come to understand the value of relationships. The paragraph offers a hopeful message for those who have been ghosted, encouraging them to move on and find fulfillment in connections that are valued and reciprocated, rather than dwelling on the avoidant's eventual, but often too late, recognition of the need for intimacy.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Avoidant Attachment
💡Ghosting
💡Dismissive Avoidance
💡Fearful Avoidance
💡Rewriting History
💡Deactivation Strategies
💡Emotional Detachment
💡Scarcity
💡Chasing
💡Into the Wild
💡Paradox
Highlights
Avoidant individuals may never be seen again if they ghost or subtly rewrite history.
Ghosting is often the obvious action that leads to a permanent end in relationships for avoidants.
Avoidant attachment studies are limited, leading to a reliance on real-life case studies from forums and social media.
The avoidant attachment subreddit is a valuable resource for understanding avoidant behaviors.
A study on the subreddit found that 69% of avoidants never reach out after ghosting.
Avoidants define ghosting as either sudden ending without explanation or a slow fade away.
The reasons for ghosting include emotional discomfort, feeling overwhelmed, low self-worth, and fear of not meeting needs.
Avoidants often fear being alone forever, yet struggle to maintain close relationships.
The story of Christopher McCandless illustrates the tragic consequences of extreme avoidant behavior.
Avoidants may rewrite history by downplaying the significance of shared experiences after ghosting.
Rewriting history serves to emotionally detach avoidants and rationalize their decision to move on.
There's a high chance of another breakup if an avoidant returns after ghosting due to unresolved attachment issues.
The avoidant's rewriting of history can leave the other person questioning the significance of their past relationship.
Avoidants may eventually realize the importance of shared connections, but it might be too late for the relationship.
The hope is that by the time avoidants recognize the value of connection, the other person has already moved on.
Transcripts
I've been studying avoidance now for
upwards of six years and really there
are two things that they can do that
pretty much guarantees you're never
going to see them again now the first
thing is a very obvious easily measured
action and the other is really subtle
often overlooked let's start with the
obvious one first so if they ghost you
they're likely not coming back now that
may seem obvious right but like with all
things it's the Nuance that matters see
my fundamental problem with the study of
attachment theory is that there's not a
lot of avoidant specific studies
especially in the context of breakups or
how avoid an individual's process and
cope with the end of relationships I
mean sure there are reputable resources
you can rely on but often those
resources study attachment Theory as a
whole so where does that really leave us
well it leaves us scanning forums and
social media groups searching for
Relevant real life case studies where
people share their experiences hoping to
find patterns or advice that resonates
with their situation basically all you
can really do if you want to figure out
what triggers avoidance to make them
leave and never come back is crowd
source and that leads me to this the
avoidant attachment subreddit which
according to its own rules is considered
a safe space for avoidant attachers and
contains over
29,000 members I mean quite literally
this is a small corner cor of the
internet where dismissive avoidance or
fearful avoidance gather and give you
their unfiltered thoughts on everything
from breakups and emotional struggles to
coping mechanisms and relationship
Dynamics now one thread in here caught
my attention in particular this one ask
avoidance fa AQ ghosting so someone
decided to ask the avoidance on the
subreddit a series of five questions
number one what is your personal
definition of ghosting number two do you
or did you in the past ghost people
number three what were your reasons for
ghosting number four if you've ghosted
someone what should that person do and
finally number five how long if at all
does it take you to resurface and reach
out why now there were 19 total
responses from the avoidance so I
wouldn't necessarily call it
comprehensive research but it does offer
a pretty unique glimpse into their
experiences and thought processes
now originally I was drawn to this
thread really because of two questions
number two do you or did you in the past
ghost people and number five how long if
at all does it take you to resurface and
reach out you see my thinking was this
with question number two we could
establish a baseline of how normal it is
for avoidance to Ghost and to No One
shock every single avoidant that
answered that thread said they had
ghosted someone in the past that's 19
out of 19 the reason well they basically
cited all kinds of personal and
emotional reasons to be honest with you
that's not the interesting part the real
interesting data occurs with question
number five so theoretically with
question number five you could determine
if an avoiding ghosting you is
essentially this kiss of death for a
relationship because of enough avoidance
never reach out after the said ghosting
they'd be gone from your life forever
here's what I found 19 avoidance
answered out of those 19 13 said they
never reached out which is good for 69%
one said they reached out under specific
circumstances which is good for 5% and
five said they always reach to back out
which is good for 26% so if you round
that up that basically means that if an
avoidant ghosts you there's a 70% chance
that you'll never hear from them again
now pretty much what that means is that
if an avoidant ghosts you it's very very
bad you're likely never going to hear
from them again but how do avoidant
Define ghosting well we need to look at
question number one in the thread for
that their answers were all over the
place you got this guy who defines
ghosting as ending a relationship by
cutting off all contact without
informing the other person you're ending
it so here it seems to be more about
cutting off contact or ending a
relationship without any kind of
explanation oh and then you've got this
dude just stopping contact like I might
Loosely reply because that's polite but
it'll be a lot more vague and I won't
directly say we won't meet up ever again
but I just won't be available and then
it'll just Peter out so basically the
slow Fade Away pretty much all the
definitions of ghosting in this thread
were divided into these two categories
ending relationship suddenly without an
explanation and slowly fading away with
minimal conversation out of the 19 15
which is good for 80% said they defined
ghosting as ending a relationship
suddenly without explanation three
people said they just slowly faded away
that's good for 15% and one actually
didn't Define it at all so that's 5%
okay so it's pretty clear that most
avoidance 80% of them Define ghosting as
a situation where they end a
relationship suddenly without an
explanation if you happen to be in that
situation then there's a 70% chance
you're never hearing from them again but
wait what are the reasons they actually
ghost people well let's turn to question
number three really there were five core
themes that developed when I studied the
19 responses avoiding emotional
discomfort or conflict feeling
overwhelmed by the other person's
attachment or expectations a belief that
the other person deserves better low
self-worth and fear of not being able to
meet the other person's needs depression
or low tolerance for social contact now
you may buy some of these but I'm going
to push back a little bit you see this
wasn't the only thread that I read
through on that subre red I started
noticing this weird Trend I'm going to
call it the forever alone train and
perhaps This Thread encapsulates it
better than anything I've ever seen I'm
just going through one of those times in
which I'm seriously wondering if I'm
going to be alone forever there's this
weird underlying subtext a lot of the
time this fear that avoidants have that
they're going to be alone forever yet
they don't have to be they can literally
change that right now while they're
still living and breathing but I don't
think they think they can a lot of time
you'll hear me talk about this Paradox
existing inside of them this light and
dark side this need to be loved
coexisting with this need to be alone
have you ever heard of into the wild
it's a nonfiction book written by John
crackower in
1966 that tells the true story of
Christopher mandas a man from a wealthy
family who graduates from college gives
away his saving and embarks on a journey
across America his ultimate goal make it
to Alaska and live off the land mless is
probably the perfect shining example of
a dismissive avoidant throughout his
journey he constantly seeks isolation
shuns close relationships he meets
Ronald Fran an elderly man who becomes
close to mcandless and actually offers
to adopt him now France is deeply
affected by their bond and suggests the
adoption in hopes of providing McCanless
with a family however McCanless politely
declines the offer staying true to his
quest for Independence and his desire to
live a solitary life in the wilderness
he meets a girl named Tracy Who falls in
love with him she's a teenager living in
the Slab City Community in California
where mandas stays for a while despite
her feelings for him mandas does not
reciprocate in any romantic way and this
is really like a consistent theme
throughout the book mandas meets these
people willing to reach out willing to
connect to get close and while he's
never rude to them he always prefers the
isolation the whole story basically
culminates when he makes it to Alaska he
crosses the Frozen river goes deep into
the wild and is completely isolated from
civilization he lives there for months
surviving by foraging for edible roots
and berries shooting various game
including a moose he even keeps a
journal the next spring Mist tries to
return home but when he gets to the
river it's overflowing with rain and
melting snow mandas is forced to go back
to the base camp where he ultimately
passes away when his body is eventually
found a single journal entry is also
found happiness only real when shared
for me this is the great tragedy of the
avoidant they idolize this idea of
self-sufficiency and look down upon
anyone who has any kind of dependency
but they often don't realize that that
worldview is wrong wrong until it's too
late in the case of Christopher
mcandless it cost him his life I mean
think about how many times people tried
to get him away from his path to Alaska
if he had just accepted their help got
adopted got married he wouldn't have
died the way he did now don't get me
wrong he got the message in the end
happiness only real when shared but it
was too late many of the people drawn to
the avoidant attachment subreddit are
probably at that point in their Journey
when they're questioning their
attachment style now the positive aspect
for them is that right now for them it's
it's not too late they have a chance to
recognize the importance of connection
and make changes while they still can
but the fear of being alone forever well
it's basically a battle to see if they
can overcome their nature but I've
gotten way off topic we still have one
more question to audit if you ghosted
someone what should that person do
honestly I don't want to spend a lot of
time on this this is kind of bit of a
mood point the general consensus of the
19 respondents was the best thing you
can do is give them space but again if
you're being ghosted by an avoidant then
there's a 70% chance you're not going to
hear from them ever again hence the moot
point here's what I do find interesting
why would you even want these Partners
back look I've been doing this a long
time most people who want these
individuals back themselves think that
they themselves can change the avoidance
behavior or that the relationship can
return to a happier time they act as if
the dismissive avoidance are inherently
irresistible but Lily I've been thinking
about something so let's say you've got
this hardcore dismissive avoidant the
relationship with them itself wasn't bad
but it wasn't like set the world on fire
amazing then the dismissive avoidant
leaves you without any kind of
explanation and you have this incredibly
strong reaction to it you enter into
this crisis mode desperate to fix it but
what I think is really happening here is
that since the dismissive avoidant ends
the relationship without an explanation
they're creating this type of scarcity
which makes them seem more valuable than
they really are and it creates this
scenario where someone who maybe had a
secure attachment becomes Chasers
contrary to maybe their usual Behavior
but let's play devil's advocate here
let's say that you are part of that
magical 30% of people who hear from an
avoidant after being ghosted you beat
the odds and you got your avoidant back
there's still a fundamental problem with
taking that avoidant back a dirty little
secret that the breakup space doesn't
want you to know you have a higher
chance of going through another breakup
the second time around but again this
shouldn't be that shocking to you look
at this I picked this up from a
psychology today article statistics have
shown that in the US 50% of first
marriages 67% of second and 73% of third
marriages end in divorce why would
breakups be any different they wouldn't
now what's likely Happening Here is that
a dismiss of a wouldn't might return but
that doesn't mean they've resolved their
attachment issues Sometimes they come
back with even stronger dismissive
avoided Tendencies because they crave
affection but can't express it openly
this can lead to worse Behavior as they
struggle with their needs but once again
I've gotten us down this rabbit hole and
kind of gotten us off topic did you
remember at the beginning of this video
I said there were two actions that an
avoidant will take to completely cut you
out of their life an obvious one which
we just spent forever covering and a
Noto obvious one well here's the Noto
obvious one they start rewriting their
history with you the book attached makes
this really big deal about this idea of
deactivating strategies which is defined
as any Behavior or thought that is used
to squelch intimacy you've seen me talk
about this before but where this stands
out is that it's like the ultimate
deactivation strategy think of it like
editing a movie script initially your
relationship was a major plotline full
of significant moments emotional
highlights and payoffs but now your
partner is going back and cutting scenes
they're downplaying key moments altering
the narrative the process of rewriting
history is a subtle yet powerful way for
them to emotionally detach and
rationalize their decision to move on
they might begin to claim that the
relationship was never that important to
them or that they never felt as strongly
as you did they might downplay shared
experiences and suggest that they
weren't as significant as you remember
oh and this is the important part they
never do this to your face it's always
done after they ghost you which means
yes they ghost you first then they start
rewriting their history and you really
only hear about it from like mutual
friends and it's heartbreaking it makes
you question everything about your past
and how significant that relationship
was between you and them but for the
avoidance this act of revisionism serves
two purposes it helps them emotionally
distance themselves and it provides a
rationalization for their Detachment by
convincing themselves that the
relationship wasn't that meaningful they
they find it easier to move on without
guilt or regret this rewriting of the
past is a clear indication of deep
emotional closure it's their way of
finalizing the departure ensuring
there's no reason to return it's like
removing all traces of a character from
The Script leaving no loose ends or
unresolved story lines once the editing
is complete there's nothing left to hold
on to nothing that might tempt them back
but here's the funny thing about
avoidance who edit you out of their
lives over time and I do mean a lot of
time they find themselves reminiscing
for the raw footage the unedited version
of your relationship one of the reasons
I love that Christopher McCandless story
is that towards the end he writes that
famous line in his journal happiness
only real when shared now at this point
he spent months in isolation in the
Alaskan Wilderness by himself he's weak
starving likely reflecting on his deep
experiences and choices this happiness
only real when Shar realization came as
he faced the harsh reality of his
situation and the consequences of his
extreme quest for Solitude what it
suggests to me is this profound shift in
his understanding of fulfillment and
human Connection in the face of death
his avoidant nature disappears and he
understands the true meaning of life and
avoiding ghosts you you're devastated
they start erasing your memories
together downplaying your relationships
your heartbroken you don't need to be
they're just like Christopher mcandless
caught in a struggle with their own need
for connection and fear of intimacy
ultimately the avoidant May realize just
as McCanless Did that the true point of
it all is to share connections share
memory share moments together but my
profound hope for you is that by the
time the avoidant has realized it you've
already moved on
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