Stop Rejecting How Your Development Shaped You | Naftali Moses

Summary

In this powerful narrative, the speaker shares a transformative journey of self-discovery and acceptance. From grappling with identity in a complex family dynamic to the pursuit of an ordinary life, the story highlights the emptiness of living inauthentically. A pivotal moment of clarity leads to a commitment to living true to oneself, embracing the extraordinary. The speaker's tale is a testament to the significance of being genuine and the profound impact it has on personal fulfillment and relationships.

Takeaways

• 🌟 The speaker emphasizes the importance of slowing down in life to truly connect with oneself and let go of habits that no longer serve personal growth.
• 🔍 The desire for love is a driving force in the speaker's life, and they encourage listeners to question what love truly means to them.
• 📚 The story of Joseph from the Bible is used as a metaphor for the speaker's own life, highlighting the significance of dreams and the pursuit of one's true self.
• 👨‍👩‍👧‍👦 The speaker's upbringing in a unique family dynamic, with a Hollywood actor father and a Bohemian mother, shaped their early understanding of identity and truth.
• 🏠 The family's transition to a more religious lifestyle and the impact of this change on the speaker's identity and sense of belonging is discussed.
• 🤔 The speaker grapples with the concept of being 'normal' and the pressures to conform to societal expectations, leading to a rebellious phase in their teens.
• 🚫 A critical view of certain religious institutions and their teachings is expressed, with the speaker advocating for personal exploration and questioning of beliefs.
• 💔 The emotional turmoil and identity crisis experienced by the speaker due to complex family dynamics and personal insecurities are shared.
• 💡 A pivotal moment of realization for the speaker came when they understood the importance of being true to oneself, rather than living a life defined by the expectations of others.
• 🛑 The speaker's near-fatal attraction to a 'normal' life led to a transformative decision to embrace their extraordinary self and pursue a life of authenticity and purpose.

Q & A

What is the main theme of the speaker's story?

The main theme of the speaker's story revolves around self-discovery, embracing one's uniqueness, and the journey to find true love and purpose in life.

Why does the speaker feel grateful for being sick?

The speaker is grateful for being sick because it allowed him to slow down, reflect on his life, and face the deep questions and desires that have been with him since childhood.

What significant event does the speaker discuss from his childhood?

The speaker discusses his realization of being 'sick' as a child and his deep desire for love, which was a driving force throughout his life.

How does the story of Joseph relate to the speaker's own life?

The story of Joseph, a dreamer who faced adversity and eventually rose to prominence, is paralleled with the speaker's own journey of facing his dreams and the challenges that came with them.

What major change did the speaker's father undergo that impacted the family?

The speaker's father converted to Judaism, which led to significant changes in the household, including adopting a kosher lifestyle and becoming more religious.

What was the turning point for the speaker when he was 16 years old?

The turning point for the speaker at 16 was his confrontation with a rabbi about the teachings of the institution he was part of, leading to his realization of the need to question authority and seek his own truth.

Why did the speaker feel like an outsider in his community?

The speaker felt like an outsider because he was part of an Orthodox Jewish community but did not agree with its teachings and practices, leading to a sense of alienation.

What was the speaker's approach to relationships before his transformation?

Before his transformation, the speaker's approach to relationships was transactional and superficial, focusing on appearances and societal ideals rather than genuine connection and self-acceptance.

What life-changing decision did the speaker make at 21 years old?

At 21 years old, the speaker decided to commit to being true to himself and living a life of authenticity, rejecting the pursuit of being like everyone else.

How does the speaker describe his relationship with his parents after his transformation?

After his transformation, the speaker began to embrace his parents' uniqueness and extraordinary qualities, recognizing the value in their non-ordinary lives and the lessons they taught him.

Outlines

00:00

🌟 Self-Reflection and the Quest for Authenticity

The speaker begins by expressing excitement over a significant personal revelation they wish to share, which they believe will resonate with the audience. They hint at a transformative journey that started from a young age, driven by deep questions and desires. The speaker acknowledges a recent illness that forced them to slow down and confront their true self, leading to a desire to share their insights on the importance of periodic self-reflection and letting go of life's acquired habits. They introduce a personal narrative that parallels the biblical story of Joseph, drawing connections between Joseph's dreams and their own life's aspirations, suggesting that our deepest desires can guide us to our true selves.

05:00

👨‍👩‍👧‍👦 Family, Fame, and the Search for Truth

The speaker delves into their family background, contrasting their father's former life as a Hollywood actor on the popular TV show 'General Hospital' with their mother's free-spirited Bohemian nature. They describe their father as a powerful, intense figure, and their mother as emotionally intuitive and genuine. The narrative continues with the family's religious transformation, with the father converting to Judaism, which brought the family closer. The speaker, as the youngest of seven brothers, struggled with identity and belonging, especially after being removed from their Orthodox Jewish school environment due to a perceived misalignment with their family's values. This led to a period of confusion and a search for truth and identity.

10:02

🔥 Rebellion and the Path to Self-Discovery

In this paragraph, the speaker recounts their teenage years, marked by rebellion and a quest to fit in and be like everyone else. They describe their struggle with the absence of women in their life, leading to an early and damaging introduction to pornography. As they grew older, their resentment towards their parents and the institution that had shaped their early life grew. The speaker emphasizes the importance of rebellion with a purpose, a rebellion that seeks truth and evolution. They share their experiences of partying and seeking relationships as a means to feel ordinary, but ultimately realizing the emptiness of this pursuit.

15:02

🏫 From Academic Charades to Genuine Learning

The speaker reflects on their academic journey, from homeschooling to college, where they initially focused on appearing smart rather than truly learning. They share their realization that simply passing tests did not equate to knowledge or understanding. This led to a shift in perspective, where they began to value genuine learning over academic performance. The speaker also touches on their desire to pursue a career in physical therapy, driven by an interest in psychology and a desire for control, but acknowledges the emptiness of this pursuit when compared to their deeper needs and values.

20:03

💔 The Monster Within and the Pursuit of Ordinary Life

Here, the speaker describes a pivotal relationship that began with the hope of achieving an ordinary life but quickly turned into a realization of their own 'monstrous nature.' They recount how they tried to shape their partner into their ideal, disregarding their own values and beliefs in the process. The relationship ended in heartbreak and a near-death experience, leading to a profound awakening. The speaker came to understand that living a life that rejects one's true self leads to misery and emptiness.

25:04

🌱 Embracing Authenticity and the Transformation It Brings

In the final paragraph, the speaker决心接受自己的非凡和独特性，开始转变自己的生活。他们意识到，只有通过接受和拥抱自己的真实身份，才能找到真正的爱和满足感。这一年，他们开始转变，重新审视父母，认识到自己的非凡，以及自己生活中的目的和方向。他们强调，真正的爱情存在于你真实自我的另一面，只有通过最高的善意和承诺，才能实现自我转变。

Keywords

💡Desire for Love

The 'Desire for Love' is a central theme in the video, reflecting the speaker's lifelong pursuit for genuine affection and connection. The speaker recalls being driven by this desire since childhood, even in the face of criticism and skepticism from others. This desire is portrayed as a deep, intrinsic human need that has shaped the speaker's experiences and decisions, and is used to illustrate the quest for authenticity and meaning in relationships.

💡Authenticity

Authenticity is a key concept in the video, emphasizing the importance of being true to oneself. The speaker discusses the struggle with societal expectations and the pressure to conform, which led to a crisis of identity. Authenticity is presented as the core of self-acceptance and personal fulfillment, with the speaker ultimately choosing to embrace their unique identity rather than seeking validation through the eyes of others.

💡Dreams and Reality

The video explores the tension between 'Dreams and Reality', using the speaker's personal journey as a narrative thread. Dreams are depicted as aspirations and fantasies that guide the speaker's life, while reality often challenges these visions. The speaker grapples with the disillusionment of realizing that societal norms and expectations may not align with their inner desires, leading to a profound introspection about the nature of dreams and their role in shaping one's reality.

💡Rebellion

Rebellion is a recurring theme in the video, symbolizing the speaker's resistance against imposed norms and values. The speaker's rebellious phase is portrayed as a period of self-discovery and a fight for personal freedom. It is through rebellion that the speaker challenges the status quo, questioning the authenticity of societal structures and seeking a more genuine and meaningful existence.

💡Self-Acceptance

Self-Acceptance is a pivotal concept in the video, highlighting the speaker's journey towards embracing their true self. The speaker discusses the struggle with self-identity and the internal conflict between who they are and who they felt they should be. Self-acceptance is presented as a transformative process that allows the speaker to overcome feelings of inadequacy and insecurity, leading to a more authentic and fulfilling life.

💡Transformation

Transformation is a key theme in the video, illustrating the speaker's personal evolution and growth. The speaker recounts their journey from a state of confusion and self-doubt to one of clarity and self-realization. Transformation is depicted as a necessary step towards living an authentic life, involving the shedding of false identities and the adoption of a truer, more genuine self.

💡Ordinary vs. Extraordinary

The video contrasts the concepts of 'Ordinary' and 'Extraordinary', using the speaker's life experiences to highlight the allure of the ordinary and the power of embracing the extraordinary. The speaker initially seeks to be like everyone else, aiming for a conventional life, but eventually realizes the value and beauty in their unique, extraordinary self. This realization leads to a deeper understanding of their purpose and potential.

💡Insecurity

Insecurity is a significant theme in the video, reflecting the speaker's internal struggles with self-worth and belonging. The speaker discusses feeling insecure about their identity, particularly in relation to their family and societal expectations. Insecurity is portrayed as a driving force behind the speaker's initial attempts to conform and fit in, but it also serves as a catalyst for self-exploration and eventual self-affirmation.

💡Pursuit of Truth

The 'Pursuit of Truth' is a central theme in the video, encapsulating the speaker's quest for understanding and meaning. The speaker's journey is marked by a relentless search for truth, both in their personal relationships and in their broader life philosophy. This pursuit is depicted as a fundamental human drive that leads the speaker to question societal norms, challenge their own beliefs, and ultimately discover a more authentic and fulfilling path.

💡Divine Intervention

Divine Intervention is a concept in the video that signifies the presence of a higher power guiding the speaker's life. The speaker describes a moment of crisis where they felt compelled towards self-destruction, but were stopped by what they perceived as divine intervention. This concept is used to illustrate the idea that there are forces beyond human control that can provide guidance and protection, and that these forces played a crucial role in the speaker's decision to embrace their true self.

Highlights

The speaker shares a crucial moment in their development that has the potential to enlighten the audience's lives.

A personal story is introduced, which may be familiar but is presented with new depth and meaning.

The importance of slowing down in life to connect with one's true self is emphasized.

The speaker discusses the transformative power of facing one's deepest desires and questions.

A reflection on illness as a blessing in disguise, providing an opportunity for introspection.

The concept of love as a driving force in the speaker's life is explored.

The story of Joseph from the Bible is used as a metaphor for the speaker's own life journey.

The challenges faced by Joseph, including betrayal by his brothers, mirror the speaker's own struggles.

The significance of dreams and their interpretation in both Joseph's story and the speaker's life is highlighted.

The speaker's journey from feeling like an outsider to embracing their uniqueness is shared.

The impact of the speaker's parents' conversion to Judaism and its effect on their upbringing is discussed.

The speaker's struggle with identity and belonging in the face of a complex family background is revealed.

The transformative power of questioning societal norms and expectations is explored.

The speaker's realization of the emptiness in pursuing a life that mimics others rather than embracing one's own path.

A pivotal moment of clarity where the speaker chooses authenticity over a life of lies and societal expectations.

The speaker's newfound commitment to living a life true to themselves and the positive changes that followed.

The conclusion that real love and fulfillment come from being true to oneself, not from conforming to societal ideals.

Transcripts

today is really exciting something very

important I want to share with you

something crucial to my development and

I think it'll really shine a light on

your life change my life I know it'll

change yours a lot of this has to do

with a story I haven't told you maybe

you've seen it before in my darkness

that's partially

true a lot of it is but I believe this

the fundamental stuff the really deep

questions I had the desires I had ever

since I was a little boy things that

were so me I knew all

along I've been sick the last couple

days and I'm honestly grateful to God

for that slowed me down sat me down and

allowed me to face what I really need to

face I really want to share that with

you I want to share how significant it

is to have periods of your life to where

you slow down to where you sit down to

where you dive deep to where you start

to connect to what's really you and

start to let go of all of those habits

that you've picked up over your life the

things that set you free probably

wondering what this is I'm just going to

burn it out

cuz it smells

[Music]

nice sure you guys are very familiar

with the content of the videos at this

point today is going to be really really

important because it's actually one of

the biggest issues that we have nowadays

and it goes across the board in all

areas of your

life what drove me my whole life is the

desire for love now you're probably like

well that drives me too this is a very

deep question to ask yourself what is

love I remember even as a little kid if

there was a girl I liked I'd like write

her a note or something and blush turn

another kind of color who I was as a

teenager was not

that I also remember how much people

would tell me that that's not real and

so then you hear that real what's real

and that's still what drives me reality

the desire to find what's true that's

what lights me up and sometimes our

deepest deepest desires feel like some

of the grandest fantasies that's exactly

what you need to find what's true in

those fantasies so I want to bring up a

story of Joseph and I'll go ahead and

tie it into my story Joseph is the

youngest of 12 or the second youngest of

12 he's a dreamer I think anybody who's

had a family don't do this of course

this is what he does he is of the most

favored of all of his sons of the loved

wife Joseph was born to he goes up to

his family and he goes hey guys here is

my Messianic dream where I'm the star

and it's shining real bright and you

guys are all surrounding my star with

the sun and the moon the next

dream get the kids together get the

family together let me share it with

them I promises will end well gu the

brothers together and he shares my

sheave was standing in the middle as all

of your sheaves were bowing to mine 11

others of course the brothers go about

doing what brothers do and his father

says hey Joseph go investigate your

brothers so he gets up and he walks all

the way to where his brothers are and of

course the brothers conspire to kill him

because of their Envy they throw him in

the pit they look at him and they go

what's become of your dreams now boy you

know it's a deep dialogue that we all

have with ourselves what's become of

your dreams now when the people you love

turn their back on you when you share

those dreams when you open up well let's

see what becomes of those dreams are

they delusion are they real well we'll

find out so from one pit to the next to

working as a servant in Po's house to

then having Po's wife throw yourself

onto you as you're throwing into another

pit not for for a couple years for 13

years where are your dreams now boy 13

years go by he interprets a few dreams

those dreams that he interpreted because

he is a dreamer at the fundamental

essence of what we all are he's brought

up to pharaoh and on his knees he

interprets Pharaoh's dream and of course

the one that could I guess reveal the

secrets changes their name and so he

went from Joseph to Oat Pena in English

it means revealer of Secrets

fundamentally you know there's there's a

lot about us that has discovered through

these dreams and sometimes a lot of our

deepest desires feel like dreams that we

want to manifest so I want to tell you

the story of my life and giving you the

understanding of the Joseph story I

deeply relate to it I never thought of

it until now but I can I can see a lot

of how that shines a light on me I am

the youngest of my brothers and I want

you guys to not only just listen to what

I have to say but also be able to see

that this is true for you too if you're

listening to this something about me you

connect with and I want to break those

projections too because I'm just like

you we wouldn't find any relatability if

I wasn't maybe I'm the ideal that you

want to be or or the person that you are

that you want to come closer with but at

the end of the day we're all humans and

and that's what brings us together what

really drove me as a young boy was love

and then after people criticize that and

judge it enough you question whether

real love exists and that's a journey in

it of itself but if you want to know the

one thing that I wanted to be like was

like everyone else nothing drove me more

than this deep insecurity of trying to

hide who I am I want wanted to be like

everyone else growing up if you want to

know something about my mother and my

father my father used to be a Hollywood

actor and he was in a very popular TV

show called General Hospital for years

he amassed a lot of Fame and Fortune my

mother was a Bohemian

hippie Moroccan Bohemian hippie that

moved out to Los Angeles and my father's

a very interesting character a very

intense figure a powerful figure a

leader a genius an excellent mind a very

present

individual my mother is a I mean like

the embodied the feminine in every way

possible genius in her own emotions and

her capacity she she knows what she is

and there's so much greatness in that

who she is of course but she had her own

existential crisises and my dad being

the guy he is was more than likely

pulled to somebody that's driven by

truth now my father was never a Jew my

mother was born Jewish but not religious

so she married a non-jew and and Jewish

culture it's not a great thing to do it

just shows you how disconnected your are

from the values years go by struggling

marriage a hard home to build cuz you

know my dad is like you know what he

already had two children from a previous

marriage and this one's falling apart

just like every other one and he said

well guess better to keep her around my

mother always Lov my father because he

was such an honest man even when he was

a Silverback Gorilla made a steel she

saw that he had a heart with his

children and he said the truth always

and I think a lot of us think how can

you build with somebody and it's like

well be very simple it's who they are

not just what they identify with there's

no shortage of people that identify with

things and that's weak that's empty that

doesn't get anybody anywhere but they

both had a deep deep desire for truth

and what was right what who they were

and what they needed to do for the

highest possible purpose so my father

converts to Judaism partially for his

own Journey my mother was somebody who

inspired him because she led by example

she never asked him not a day in her

life she never said I need you to be

Jewish she started upholding her own

standard she wanted more children after

their first son together they had

another shortly after well 7 years later

and that was my older brother one of my

mentors in in so many ways H God bless

him I'll share a lot about him in this

because that man really helped me in my

life he really helped me in my life with

so many things he helped me use my brain

he helped me show me how to solve

problems I couldn't do that for the life

of me parents become super religious my

father converts Judaism my whole

household is a different kind of house

it's a kosher home abbreviations my

parents are closer together than they

ever have and my mother wants more

children they have my older brother

followed by another boy after that who

shortly passes away followed by twins

I'm the youngest of those Twins and my

older brother Dan is also an hour older

than me some would say that he's not

older he's my twin but I respect the

hour difference it shines a light on

where I am and understanding that for

myself growing up you don't know how

your parents were before you just see

how they present themselves and they

become exactly that but you become so

confused about who you are and I was the

youngest of seven

boys horny like a silver back gorilla

and emotionally intuitive like my mother

but I couldn't see these things so I was

put in Orthodox Jewish school and if you

guys want to know something about me I

had my sideburns that you grow out and

curled up and put the yamaka on the

middle of the head and that was my life

yet my parents were so unique I used to

think they were just like everybody else

in the community cuz that's who I was

hanging out with I was hanging out with

everybody else I grew up till about

sixth grade and my parents sit me down

they go hey aali Dan the list of my

other brothers you've been lied to

everything that you're learning in

school is a complete and total

catastrophe and actually the exact

opposite of what we agreed to set you up

with you know what happens to a kid when

they hear that and everybody has that

moment when they're a kid it can create

traumas complex traumas too traumas to

where you start looking for control but

even in your own value system and that

was for me personally I started looking

for control even in my own value system

There Was Fear it hit parents arguing

every day about what's the truth what's

right this institution is lying to us us

it's not following exactly what we

believed it was following it's not the

word of God it's not the truth I'm of

course there taken out of school I

didn't have any friends I am the

youngest of Seven Brothers I don't have

any sisters I see my mother in panic and

flight ORF flight every day and I see my

father trying to hold all of this

together in the midst of it one of my

older brothers is overseas somebody I

looked at as a hero and he's now so far

away from me and of course they're

saying hey it's because of the

institutional thing that this happened

so I'm grabbing the back of my hair but

I didn't even know how to express those

kind of emotions as a kid so I just let

it turn out how it did which was

survival hiding my biggest dream of

being like everyone else is now starting

to be shattered it's becoming further

away from me as I grow up to become a

teenager I mean another side note is is

that my whole life women were not part

of it they were not part of it it was

hang out with the guys go to a all boys

Jewish school hang out with the guys and

even if you're at the all boys Jewish

school remember the girls are in another

level so you have to go upstairs if you

want to see them and if and then if you

actually want to start seeing the other

girls well then they sep SE at them from

schools once you're in high school and

so there creates this like

burning scarcity around that and that

that was a lot of whatshap me and again

that now compounded with the complex

trauma of what I need to identify with

what are my beliefs what are my values

what is true oo big question to have

when it comes on your lap when you're 10

years old coming out of sixth grade me

and my brother would climb the tree we

would just do something you know my

parent my dad would be like hey read

these books you know you're homeschooled

but all all we'd really see is our

parents argue and you know that opened

up a door for pornography and that was a

whole catastrophe because you know my

experience with women not only not

having them in my life the first time I

experienced them was under the basis of

porn and that'll mess you up big time I

know crazy come a long way that's

exactly what I really want to share is

that you guys can come and even a long

way yourself it's just a question of

your willingness and your intention and

the courage that you have in your life

so I grow up and become a teenager a

very rebellious one the one person I

hated most my mother so yes classic

mommy issues my biggest desire was how I

can be like the rest of the world how I

can hide I want to go to prom I want to

be the high school jock I want to be the

guy that everybody goes hey there he is

here comes trouble a lot of this nature

started to manifest as I got older when

I was 15 was when I really started to

have a lot of resentment not only

towards my parents but towards the

institution I was put in sure I wasn't

in the Jewish schools but I was still

part of the Jewish Community my

rebellious nature existed and this is

something I really want to speak to you

guys about which is the importance of

that Rebel but the rebel with a cause

the rebel with intention the rebel with

belief the reel evolutionary who

successful brings peace I was 16 years

old just started going out to parties

meeting girls oo starting to feel a lot

like I'm becoming like everyone else I'm

becoming the thing that I need to be

finally I could survive I can get what I

needed one of the biggest things that

really messed me up when I was younger

is is hey if I'm not part of the

community if I'm not part of the schools

they have a status quo of how things

work right and so being an individual

comes at a cost right if I'm not part of

their system then I have to be something

that exists without the system someone

of true faith and of course I'm the most

rebellious I'm the least agreeable and I

don't agree with what the things were

saying and here's how it goes a lot of

me I guess was developed because of an

understanding of embracing my life for

its unordinary it's not like anyone

else's it's not a normal life and that's

the lie that I wanted to believe because

it could keep me

comfortable I remember I was invited to

this Jewish seminar of sorts where they

were talking about don't speak or touch

the girls until you're married and um I

look around all I see is a bunch of

horny men and I get up and I go whoa

whoa whoo where where does it say you

can't touch girls actually where does it

say you can't sleep with them cuz of

course there's one thing I loved and it

was women and the Revolutionary although

he may come from a wrong place or may he

may say the wrong things at times he may

fight the wrong battles but do you

really believe in what you fight for

where you're coming from is it good is

it coming from a place that's genuine

sincere driven

true and I remember I tell the rabbi I

was like Hey should show me where that

is where you can't and of course anybody

who's challenged any institution or any

Authority knows how this goes you're

alienated and so of course he couldn't

show me that and I get up and I go I

could tell you actually The Exchange I

go hey where does it say that he goes

well you know it's actually a fence that

we later came up with that says that and

I said well wait can you show me in the

Bible in the Torah where it says those

exact words or is this just your self-

referencing system of course very

emotional 16-year-old hardly ever read

books and that was partially part of my

development is that I was so invested in

reality and my ability to play with it

didn't have social media at the time

that was when I started becoming more

like everyone else is when I became

hooked on that I eventually looked at

Rabbi in the eyes and I said hey so what

you're telling me is is that when people

are ready according to how you say ready

is then you'll set them up with girls

that you have access to after separating

them from boys their whole life you're

telling me this is going to end well is

this a pimping system and at 16 quite

vulgar quite rebellious the school gasps

I walked out and I guess that was the

beginning of me realizing you know if if

I want the things that I want in my life

I'm going to have to be the difference

you know there's nothing fun about that

realizing that you have true desires

things that you really want and you know

you look out on the world and well

that's all there is and so I became

afraid I said hey if I'm not part of

this community I guess I'll become like

the rest of the world and so what it was

was Finding who I can meet at the party

I put on The Masks there was no

sensitivity there was no softness I was

trying to see who I can get so that I

can create that life that I wanted that

life of ordinary go to the high school

prom meet the pretty girls go out with

them maybe this will turn out well say

the right things get their number go to

the right party then see the next person

say the right things get that person's

number it was like codes and bars and

feelings were never a part of my life no

not until very recently really not until

I started doing this and an

understanding of I could never be like

anyone else years go by I experienced

the 21st century relationship made me

really good at understanding that

there's nothing there for you especially

if you're not there for you my whole

life struggling fighting and fighting

until eventually I could just find my

way out and it was in this one

relationship that I was in in 2019 into

2020 I was 20 years old and I found her

blank like a white sheet of paper she

could be everything that I need to hide

all of what I am every day of my life I

rejected my parents they're too much

they're too intense why can't they just

be normal I looked in the mirror and I

said why do you feel this why do you

feel that why can't you just be normal I

look around I go in fact actually be

like everyone El

else love is there look they're meeting

each other what about you were we alone

criticism criticism criticism so much of

me rejecting

myself a little bit before that you know

I graduated my high school home school

situation it's a very a hes School

charter school program I don't know how

to put it I then go to college and I

just said for the first time I'm done

passing test and I don't know if you

guys want to know this about me my whole

life I believed I was an idiot

it that was another product of my

survival wasn't be smart look smart I'll

get you further and yet you'd be shocked

how many people are fooled by looking

smart I didn't remember anything in high

school I couldn't even pronounce

mitochondria right I said mandria and

I'd get an A+ on a test I remembered

five pages of Spanish that I don't even

remember to this day but hey it got me

an A+ even my teacher called me out on

my [ __ ] I didn't care I needed to

learn how to survive and that's been my

whole life how to survive being like

others is the best form of survival in a

world where the fat people are broke and

and there's broke people looking rich

like think about that you better you

better start being real there's a lot of

necessity for it you know speaking of my

older brother throughout this point in

my life he was somebody who I'd cry to

when trying to learn how to do math i'

I'd beg him and he'd be acing everything

he had like a computer brain every

single thing that I had a problem with

he was amazing at you know practicing

piano I was hated you know I hated my

piano teacher you know I hated my mother

had so much emotion and I didn't know

what to do with it and it just

ultimately felt like you know I was

better out there conquering the world

and I was in the own confinements of my

home anytime I brought a girl home my

mother would have so much to say about

her and of course that' make me hate her

more you know I'd make women these

deification of something that they weren

so that I could run from myself and all

of the things that I hold against women

whole different

conversation you know my brother was so

essential somebody who uh he helped me

learn how to use a camera solve a

problem use a spreadsheet develop a

website you know those kind of things he

was excellent at and I had no ability

there I believed I was stupid you know I

I couldn't do math I could pass to I had

this impostor that was dragging around

with me everywhere sure I graduated at

16 because I really wanted to get out so

I could go to college and that's what

everybody believes is their dream and as

I went to college I realized do I want

to keep passing tests or do I want to

learn something for the first time in my

life I remember I'm in school and I said

you know what I don't care if I fail the

test I want to learn something I'm in my

econ class I'm raising my hand i'm

talking with the teacher I'm flirting

with the girls I'm I'm teasing the

classroom I'm I'm sharing my mind and I

said you know what I won't even do the

homework I just want to learn something

for the first time in my life I finished

that semester

my teacher pulls me out of the room and

he goes look there's only one reason why

I'm pass letting you pass this class you

failed every test but how does that make

any

sense he like you were participating in

the group I could feel your intellect

you had curiosity you were driven you

contributed you you had a lot to

understand about Ecom and I was like

well to be honest with you passing tests

and learning things are very different

and I don't know how I'm going to get

through college if I'm trying to learn

something and not pass a test and he

laughed and he goes hey C minus you

passed of course the next few semesters

I realized it was biology my god I've

tooken that thing so many times just to

show you the scam of high school I felt

like an idiot the whole time of course

raising my hand interacting with the

group failing all the tests failing all

the tests cuz now I was actually

learning something I was actually

enjoying my biolab they were talking

about human behavioral characteristics

that show up in mammals and I was like

oh this is my let's go I love psychology

this is all I really craved ever since I

was young and this one point in my life

I realized you know I wanted to be a

physical therapist when I was 22 I don't

know whose idea was that pretty bad idea

promise you not what you want to start

with you know if it was up to me when I

was 16 I'd be a garbage man I looked at

the hourly rate that was that's how I

determined My Success you know it's like

let's look at how much you can make an

hour as I go to walk to my Biol lab I

walk all the way off the college campus

I walk all the way to my house I'm 17

years old I'm unemployed I don't have a

job I can no longer hide behind the

guises of Academia as a broke individual

who drinks and parties all day but it's

okay I go to college don't worry it'll

all be fine I walk all the way home I

pick up my controller I kicked my feet

up on the table and I played video games

for 24 hours I realized you know I

there's nothing I could learn here I

just better act like I know a thing or

two became an excellent actor definitely

got it from my father and I said well

what do I know I'm in good shape I guess

I could teach people how to get in shape

I like psychology I guess I'll learn it

cuz you know you can get a lot of

control from that my deep desire for

control came from that I like an

understanding of philosophy and belief

because I I do believe in something

Beyond myself so I always kept those

things at Bay I went out every night I

trained the people that I did increased

my rate I kept doing that for years

experienced the 21st century

relationship to realize nothing to offer

there until eventually I became 20 years

old I was 20 years old I met this one

girl and this is when I was able to

realize my monstrous nature she was a

blank sheet of paper I made her

everything that I needed this was my

golden ticket to an ordinary life I

could be just like everyone else I could

disregard my faith I could disregard my

values I could disregard my parents I

could disregard my family I could hide

behind the guises of the societal ideal

and I'm going to go for it sure I could

have my own gym business and I could

train as many people as I can and I can

make more money than anybody else could

this was my opportunity to see if you

really want something bad enough go for

it are you just willing to see if it's a

delusion or not my deepest desire as a

young boy was true love well this is it

I'm going to die on this hill and I made

that relationship a grand Entourage to

everyone that I was happy that this is

the ideal this is what you want

of course years go

by or actually a year and a half goes by

and I realize everything that I am I am

losing I had my wish come true Nali

you'll be just like everyone else your

gifts gone your upbringing gone your

beliefs

gone your roots gone I ended that

relationship nearly did it that close I

want you to think of it this way if

there was a switch to where I could die

I would have switched it and this had

nothing to do with the relationship the

relationship was just the sum total of

all of my Pursuits and their emptiness

it was the pursuit of somebody who was

driven to be like everyone else not

driven to be himself with purpose and

there was that switch and I'll tell you

how I used to live my life and it's how

you live your life and how you live your

life and every single person on planet

Earth lives their life until they wake

up to an understanding why it's

important to be themselves to be real to

be truthful to discover why you're here

to what's

true you want to know what it

is well here it is I was praying

for death everything in my life was an

opposition of who I am and I couldn't

wait to check all the boxes and after I

did there was nothing to experience I

wanted to go that's the way a majority

of people live their lives they live

their lives as a life quiet misery as

they check a bunch of boxes and after

they do they go did it now I'm ready for

heaven they're living for a life that's

not even this one you really want to see

a philosophy see how much they believe

in heaven in relationship to what's

reality which is right in front of them

it'll show you a lot about them most

people's whole faiths and belief systems

exist in rejection of who they are and

they wonder that this is going to turn

out well I promise you if your whole

life is about a rejection of who you are

so that you could be seen a certain way

to everybody else you are living to die

and at 21 years old I realized that for

the first time in my life being gaset in

the kitchen I remember this whole

conversation talking about how if she

said the right things I'd be with her

but I realized my greatest nightmare was

starting to become true all of who I am

was dying I was erasing it every second

I stayed there through the grace of God

I leaped for that switch of death that

switch of I want to erase everything

that I am there's too much

responsibility in that there's too much

personal in that I'll be seen by the

world I'll be rejected by everyone as I

am and as I Sprint for that switch it

was like I got shot by a shotgun before

I could reach that I know a lot of us go

oh well that's too bad you were so close

no it's called divine intervention saved

my life I was this close to staying with

my ex do you want to know what saved me

God because that's the only thing that

could answer these kind of questions

something was guiding me in my life and

for the first time I could experience it

it was funny I was actually losing my

hair in the relationship and I was like

a big indicator of like oh God this is

killing me we were having this argument

we realized we weren't compatible that

this wouldn't work progressively getting

worse and worse till eventually her

father gives me a call and her father

goes you son of a [ __ ] I'm goinging

kill you do you want to know when he

gave me that call when I took my dad's

car back from my own home that I sh

shared with this girl and I drove it all

the way back to my house when I got back

to my house I look for my

keys and I'm like where are they so I'm

like I need to call my brother by the

way I had nothing left I felt as weak as

I ever felt in my life I look at my

phone one voice know girlfriend's father

listen to it you I'm going to kill you

what are you doing to my daughter

something I realized I've only taken

care of that girl although I had my

insufficiencies I never mistreated her I

drive back like I'm and Batman Begins

vein popping out of my arm I get all the

way to the house I park the car I open

the door and I look at her and I go oh

he's calling me on speaker starts

cursing at me and I go what are you

telling your family she goes I love you

neali

but I could in that moment I felt it I

saw her mask come off I saw reality slow

down I saw an A or B option for the

first time in my life a embrace the LIE

eat of the fruit B live a life as true

as you can as much as that hurts it's

the only thing that matters make the

highest possible commitment to the

highest good and let that transform you

I could see the sweat on my forehead

zoomed in to a 100x I could hear a tree

fall in a forest all the way out in

Indonesia something resided in me it was

the commitment that I made for the rest

of my life that I can never be like

anyone else and in fact every time I do

not only do I hurt myself I hurt the

people I love most that is the beginning

of my story I said goodbye I'm going to

grab everything that I need in the next

10 minutes and you'll never see me again

what do you think I was saying goodbye

to ladies and gentlemen I was saying

goodbye to the part of myself that died

to be like everyone else the next year I

started transforming instantly I started

looking at my parents embracing they're

not ordinary I started looking at myself

realizing that I'm not Ord AR I started

looking at my life and what exactly it

aimed forwards up to this point and I

realized that through and accepting that

everything in my life is different and

not the same and that I'm not supposed

to be the same I got to see how

extraordinary my parents are how

extraordinary I am the gifts that I have

and what I need to do with my life real

love is on the other side of you being

real just remember that