The Magic of Not Giving a F*** | Sarah Knight | TEDxCoconutGrove

Summary

In this insightful talk, the speaker introduces 'The life-changing magic of not giving a fuck,' a philosophy that encourages mental decluttering by prioritizing what truly brings joy. By allocating one's 'fucks'—representing time, energy, and money—to meaningful pursuits, individuals can achieve happiness and fulfillment. The speaker shares her personal journey from corporate unhappiness to a liberated life on a tropical island, illustrating how letting go of societal expectations can lead to profound personal transformation.

Takeaways

• 🧹 The concept of 'not giving a fuck' is introduced as a method for decluttering one's life by focusing on what truly brings joy and letting go of the rest.
• 💡 'Fucks' are defined as time, energy, and money, and the speaker encourages the audience to allocate these resources wisely to what they truly care about.
• 📈 The speaker shares her personal story of leaving a high-stress job to pursue a happier life, demonstrating the life-changing potential of not giving unnecessary fucks.
• 🏝️ Post-career change, the speaker found joy in self-employment, wearing bikinis, and walking on the beach, illustrating the tangible benefits of mental decluttering.
• 🚫 The 'not sorry method' is introduced as a two-step process to help individuals decide what they don't care about and then stop investing in it.
• 🤔 The importance of honesty and politeness is emphasized in the 'not sorry method' to ensure that one does not come across as an asshole while decluttering their life.
• 📝 The speaker advises making a list of all the things that clutter one's mental barn and then applying the 'not sorry method' to prioritize and deprioritize them.
• 🎯 Visualization is suggested as a tool to help individuals predict how they will feel about a commitment and decide whether it's worth their fucks.
• 🙅‍♀️ Saying 'no' is presented as a powerful tool for managing one's time, energy, and resources, and the speaker encourages using it to avoid unnecessary obligations.
• 🌟 The speaker concludes by emphasizing the lasting impact of mental decluttering compared to physical decluttering, and the transformative power of learning to say 'no'.

Q & A

What is the main concept of the speaker's talk?

The main concept is about decluttering not just physical spaces but also mental and emotional spaces by selectively choosing where to invest one's time, energy, and money, focusing on what truly brings joy and happiness.

What does the speaker refer to as 'giving a fuck'?

The speaker uses the term 'giving a fuck' to describe the act of caring about something, investing time, energy, and resources into it.

How does the speaker define 'fucks' in the context of the talk?

In the talk, 'fucks' are defined as one's time, energy, and money, which should be allocated to things that one genuinely cares about.

What is the term the speaker uses for the calculated decision-making process regarding where to invest one's 'fucks'?

The speaker refers to this process as 'making a fuck budget', which involves deciding where to allocate one's time, energy, and money.

Why did the speaker quit her job at a major New York publishing house?

The speaker quit her job because she was deeply unhappy, despite having achieved what she thought she wanted in her career.

What significant change did the speaker make after quitting her job?

After quitting her job, the speaker moved from Brooklyn to a tropical island, started working for herself, and focused on activities that brought her happiness.

What is 'the not sorry method' mentioned in the talk?

The 'not sorry method' is a two-step process the speaker developed to help people declutter their mental spaces by identifying what they don't care about and then stopping to invest their time, energy, and money in those things.

How does the speaker suggest using honesty and politeness in the 'not sorry method'?

The speaker suggests that by being honest and polite when deciding not to invest one's 'fucks' in certain things, one can avoid feeling guilty and maintain good relationships without compromising personal well-being.

What is the practical advice the speaker gives for managing social obligations that don't bring joy?

The speaker advises to consult one's 'fuck budget', decide which activities bring more joy, and allocate one's time, energy, and money accordingly, using honesty and politeness to decline non-essential obligations.

How does the speaker propose to visualize one's feelings before committing to an obligation?

The speaker suggests a visualization exercise where one imagines how they would feel during the obligation, such as a party, to help decide whether it's worth investing their 'fucks' or not.

What is the ultimate goal of mental decluttering according to the speaker?

The ultimate goal of mental decluttering, as per the speaker, is to create a lasting change that allows one to be less busy, less burdened, and less annoyed, with more time, energy, and money to focus on what truly matters.

Outlines

00:00

🌟 The Life-Changing Magic of Not Giving a Fuck

The speaker introduces the concept of 'not giving a fuck' as a method for decluttering one's life, focusing on what truly brings joy. It's about allocating one's time, energy, and money to things that matter, rather than being burdened by unnecessary tasks and obligations. The speaker shares her personal story of leaving a high-stress job to pursue happiness, which she found on a tropical island. She emphasizes the importance of mental decluttering over physical decluttering, suggesting that by clearing out mental space, one can achieve a more fulfilling and joyful life.

05:02

🚫 The Not Sorry Method: Decluttering Your Mental Barn

The speaker outlines 'the not sorry method,' a two-step process to help individuals declutter their mental space. Step one involves identifying what they don't care about, and step two is about not investing time, energy, or money in those areas. The method encourages honesty and politeness, ensuring that one doesn't feel guilty for prioritizing their own happiness. The speaker uses the example of choosing between attending a dinner party or watching 'Game of Thrones' to illustrate how to allocate one's 'fuck bucks' and make decisions that align with personal joy.

10:03

💡 Implementing the Not Sorry Method for a Happier Life

The speaker explains how to apply the 'not sorry method' to various aspects of life, including tasks, events, obligations, and even relationships. She advises making a list of everything that clutters one's mental space and then using the method to eliminate non-essential items. The speaker also suggests a visualization exercise to help individuals feel the impact of saying 'no' to unwanted commitments. By doing so, one can save time, energy, and money, leading to a less busy, less burdened, and less annoyed life. The speaker concludes by emphasizing that mental decluttering and setting boundaries can lead to lasting positive change.

Keywords

💡De-cluttering

De-cluttering refers to the process of removing unnecessary items from one's living or working space to create a more organized and less stressful environment. In the context of the video, it is not only about physical objects but also about mental and emotional 'clutter.' The speaker uses de-cluttering as a metaphor for letting go of tasks, events, and relationships that do not bring joy or serve a purpose, which is a central theme of the video.

💡Joy

Joy, in this video, is used to describe the positive emotions and satisfaction that come from focusing on what truly matters to an individual. The speaker encourages the audience to identify what brings them joy and to allocate their time, energy, and resources accordingly. It is a key concept in the video's message of prioritizing personal happiness and well-being.

💡Fucks

In the video, 'fucks' is a colloquial term used to represent the investment of one's time, energy, and money. The speaker suggests that individuals should be mindful of where they 'give a fuck,' meaning where they choose to allocate their resources. This concept is central to the video's theme of intentional living, where one consciously decides what is worthy of their attention and effort.

💡Fuck Budget

A 'fuck budget' is a term coined in the video to describe the allocation of one's limited resources—time, energy, and money—to the things that are most important and bring joy. It is a strategic approach to life management, encouraging individuals to be selective about where they invest their resources, rather than spreading themselves too thin across unimportant or unfulfilling activities.

💡Not Sorry Method

The 'Not Sorry Method' is a two-step process introduced in the video to help individuals declutter their mental space and focus on what truly matters. It involves identifying what one does not care about and then consciously deciding not to invest time, energy, or money in those areas. The method is designed to help people make decisions with honesty and politeness, without feeling guilty or apologetic, which aligns with the video's overall message of self-empowerment and intentional living.

💡Mental De-cluttering

Mental de-cluttering is the process of clearing out the unnecessary thoughts, worries, and commitments that occupy one's mind, allowing for a clearer focus on what brings happiness and fulfillment. In the video, the speaker uses the analogy of a barn filled with both joy and annoyance, emphasizing the need to remove the latter to make room for the former. This concept is central to the video's theme of creating a more satisfying and joyful life.

💡Honesty

Honesty is a key value emphasized in the video, particularly in the context of the 'Not Sorry Method.' The speaker advocates for being honest with oneself and others about one's priorities and desires, which can lead to more authentic and fulfilling relationships and experiences. Honesty is portrayed as a way to avoid unnecessary guilt or obligation, allowing individuals to live more genuinely and in line with their values.

💡Politeness

Politeness is highlighted in the video as a crucial aspect of the 'Not Sorry Method,' suggesting that one can be assertive about their boundaries and preferences without being rude or disrespectful. The speaker encourages the audience to be polite when declining invitations or opportunities that do not align with their priorities, which helps maintain positive relationships while also preserving personal well-being.

💡Boundaries

Boundaries are an essential concept in the video, referring to the limits an individual sets to protect their time, energy, and emotional well-being. By establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries, one can prevent being overwhelmed by external demands and focus on what is most important to them. The video encourages setting boundaries as a means of self-care and self-respect, which is integral to the overall message of living a more intentional and joyful life.

💡Self-Care

Self-care is implied throughout the video as a critical component of living a fulfilling life. By focusing on one's own needs and well-being, individuals can ensure they have the resources to engage in activities and relationships that bring joy and meaning. The video's emphasis on mental de-cluttering and the 'Not Sorry Method' can be seen as forms of self-care, as they promote prioritizing personal happiness and reducing stress.

Highlights

The concept of 'not giving a fuck' as a means to declutter life and focus on what truly brings joy.

Defining 'fucks' as time, energy, and money, and the idea of not investing them in things one doesn't care about.

The speaker's personal journey from a senior editor to quitting and finding happiness on a tropical island.

The introduction of the term 'fuck budget' as a way to allocate one's time, energy, and money.

The 'not sorry method' with two steps to help prioritize what truly matters in life.

The importance of honesty and politeness in the 'not sorry method' to avoid feeling guilty.

Applying the 'not sorry method' to tasks, events, obligations, and even relationships.

The mental visualization exercise to determine whether to allocate one's 'fuck bucks' to an activity.

The concept of mental de-cluttering as a means to clear out the mind and make room for joy.

The idea that saying 'no' to non-essential activities can lead to a more fulfilling life.

The notion that mental de-cluttering and setting boundaries can have a lasting impact on one's happiness.

The practical advice on how to politely decline invitations that don't align with one's priorities.

The empowerment that comes from being honest about one's limitations and desires.

The long-term benefits of learning to say 'no' and setting boundaries over physical decluttering.

The transformative power of clearing out one's mental barn and the resulting increase in personal freedom.

The final message that the life-changing magic is accessible by simply being honest and polite about one's choices.

Transcripts

Translator: Ellen Maloney Reviewer: Peter van de Ven

We're living in a post-tidying society.

Everyone, including me, has a story about de-cluttering their home.

Gathering all of their possessions into the middle of the floor,

deciding what brings joy,

and then bidding farewell to a set of spatulas

in pursuit of a calmer, happier life.

But what if we could gather up all of the other stuff -

tasks, events, obligations relationships -

and drop it at the kerb without a single regret?

And by doing so,

be free to focus our time, energy, and money

on the stuff that really makes us happy?

Well, I figured out how to do it.

It is great, and I call it,

"The life-changing magic of not giving a fuck."

(Cheers) (Applause)

I hope you'll excuse my language because there is more where that came from.

Before I can teach you how to stop giving a fuck,

we have to talk about what it means to give one in the first place.

'Giving a fuck' means you care, right?

So when I say, "I don't give a fuck about 'Game of Thrones,'"

I mean, "I don't care about 'Game of Thrones.'"

(Laughter)

Now, let's take the concept a step further.

Let's define your 'fucks' as your time, energy, and money.

(Laughter)

If you don't care about something, you should stop giving your fucks to it.

I don't care about 'Game of Thrones' so I don't spend time watching it;

I don't spend energy wondering where the next season is going;

and I don't spend my money on the books, merchandise, or anything Westeros related.

'Game of Thrones' does not get any of my fucks.

(Laughter)

Make sense?

By making these calculated decisions,

you wind up with more time, energy, and money

to spend on the things you really do care about.

And I call that "making a fuck budget."

(Laughter)

I'll get back to fuck budgets in a minute, but first, I want to tell you a little bit

about how the life-changing magic of not giving a fuck happened to me.

Two and a half years ago,

I was a senior editor at a major New York publishing house.

I had spent 15 years clawing my way up the corporate ladder,

I had a roster of best-selling authors,

and everything I always thought I wanted from my career was coming to pass.

But I was really, really unhappy.

The kind of unhappy that makes it hard to get out of bed in the morning;

the kind of unhappy that makes it hard to commute 45 minutes on the NYC subway;

and hard to spend eight - ten hours at your desk before turning around,

going home, and doing it all over again.

So, I quit.

And making that decision was also really hard.

A lot of red wine, a lot of tears.

But what came after I quit was nothing short of life-changing.

Once I removed myself from the culture and lifestyle

of a job that had been making me so unhappy,

I was free to focus my time and energy on what would make me happy -

including working, but just in a different way -

and eventually, on moving from Brooklyn to a tropical island.

I stopped giving my fucks to working for a corporation, wearing pants,

and taking those long subway commutes.

And I started giving my fucks to working for myself, wearing bikinis,

and taking long walks on the beach.

I'm telling you, life changing.

(Laughter)

But none of that change happened because I had tidied up my apartment.

It happened because I cleared out my mind.

Let me try and explain.

Imagine your mind is a barn,

and inside it is are all of the things that bring you joy,

but also, all of the stuff that annoys you.

The potential for a happy life is there,

but you have to clear out the annoy to make room for the joy.

This is mental de-cluttering, and it is magical.

I did it by accident when I quit my job, but it was so amazing

that I developed a way for you to do it on purpose.

I call it "the not sorry method."

It has two steps.

Step one: Decide what you don't give a fuck about.

Step two: Don't give a fuck about those things.

(Laughter)

Simple, right?

But I know what you're thinking:

This sounds like a recipe for turning into an asshole.

(Laughter)

It's okay, I get that a lot.

But that's where the "not sorry" part comes in.

My method is all about not giving a fuck using honesty and politeness.

So in the end, you don't have to feel guilty.

You are on your best behavior, and you have nothing to apologize for.

You are quite literally not sorry.

You're also not an asshole.

So how might the not sorry method work for you?

Well, let's say, you love 'Game of Thrones'

and you've been invited to a Sunday night dinner party

that interferes with watching your favorite show.

You feel bad about turning down the invite,

but you really love 'Game of Thrones,'

and you don't want to record it to watch later because... spoilers.

Well, you only have so much time, energy, and money to spend on Sunday night.

So, you need to consult your fuck budget.

(Laughter)

Decide which activity brings more joy

and allocate your fuck bucks accordingly.

(Laughter)

I'm telling you,

if you respond in a timely fashion,

"No thanks, can't make it to that dinner party,"

you've done nothing wrong.

You were honest, you were polite, and you don't have to be sorry about it.

And that's just the tip of the fuck-berg.

(Laughter)

You can apply the "not sorry" method to anything:

tasks, events, obligations, even people.

You start by making a list of everything that's cluttering up your mental barn;

all of the impositions on your time, energy, and money;

the fucks you're being asked to give.

To keep it manageable, I go by category.

So for example, work is one category,

and five fucks on your list might be mandatory meetings, conference calls,

your coworkers charity half-marathon,

a going away party for a coworker you don't even like,

and doing your actual job.

(Laughter)

Once you've listed them all out, you perform the "not sorry" method.

Step one: Decide what annoys you.

Non-essential stuff you don't care about.

Step two: Stop giving your fucks in the form of time, energy, and money

to those things.

Then cross them off your list with a big black marker.

It feels good, just go with it.

(Laughter)

What I'm saying is, yes, you may have to get up and go to work every day,

and you may have to attend some mandatory meetings.

But you do not have to attend a going away party

for a colleague you don't even like.

But if you are still having trouble not giving that fuck?

I recommend a visualization exercise.

Picture how you're going to feel when you walk into that party:

annoyed or full of joy?

(Laughter)

It's been a long day, your feet hurt,

you don't love socializing with your colleagues at the office,

let alone at a shitty bar.

(Laughter)

You really don't love pitchers of warm Coors Light.

So, what should you do?

RSVP 'No' of course.

Why would you spend your fuck bucks or your actual bucks on this party?

I'll tell you why.

You do it because you feel obligated and guilty.

You are psyching yourself out of a perfectly fine response, "No,"

before you even try it.

Most people just don't think this stuff through.

They say "Yes" to things like this right away,

then wind up wasting time, energy, and money

on an annoying, unenjoyable night out.

You waste even more time and energy just dreading the party a week beforehand.

And even more, trying to come up with ways to weasel out of your commitment,

then worrying you'll be seen as an asshole for bailing at the last minute.

And honestly?

If you do bail at the last minute,

having never intended to go in the first place,

then you are an asshole.

And you should feel bad about it.

(Laughter)

Instead, pause;

visualize;

and say a timely, polite, "No, thanks. Can't make it."

This is how you stop spending time you don't have,

with people you don't like,

doing things you don't want to do.

You'll be less busy, less burdened, less annoyed.

You'll have so much more time, energy, and money,

and you will wonder why you didn't stop going to baby showers ten years ago.

(Laughter)

But look.

You don't have to quit your job and escape to a tropical island like I did.

You can make massive, liberating, meaningful change

just by clearing out your mental barn, making a fuck budget,

and sticking to it.

You don't have to organize a yard sale.

You just have to say the words "No, thank you."

"I don't have time."

"I can't afford it."

You can even say, "I don't want to."

The world will not end.

This is you being honest and polite.

No fucks given, not sorry.

The life-changing magic is right there for the taking.

To be honest, de-cluttering your house only takes about a week.

Then it lasts one or two.

But mental de-cluttering?

Learning how to say "No," set boundaries, and give fewer, better fucks?

That lasts forever.

Thank you.

(Cheers) (Applause)