How to stay calm in every situation | Attia & Huberman

Summary

The speaker candidly discusses their lifelong struggle with intense anger and self-hatred, which led to destructive behaviors. They recount how boxing served as an outlet for their rage. Through therapy, they learned to transform their harsh self-talk by treating themselves as they would a close friend, using an exercise that involved replacing self-criticism with supportive dialogue. This approach, over four months, significantly reduced their internal negativity, leading to a more compassionate self-narrative and improved interactions with others.

Takeaways

• 🔥 The individual has experienced intense anger and rage throughout their life, with no memory of a time without it.
• 🥊 Boxing served as a crucial outlet for the person's rage, helping to channel their aggression in a positive way.
• 🏠 The rage also manifested inwardly, leading to self-hatred and a harsh inner monologue that was violent and critical.
• 🤯 The person was unaware of the extent of their negative self-talk until they became conscious of it.
• 🔄 A therapeutic exercise was proposed to change the self-talk by treating oneself as one would a close friend.
• 🗣️ The exercise involved stopping negative self-talk, imagining a close friend made the mistake, and speaking kindly to them out loud.
• 📱 Recordings of these kinder responses were to be sent to the therapist, promoting vulnerability and accountability.
• ⏱️ It took approximately four months of consistent practice to significantly alter the inner dialogue and reduce self-criticism.
• 🚫 The change was so profound that the person no longer identifies with their previous harsh inner voice, symbolized by 'Bobby Knight'.
• 🌟 The transformation led to improved self-compassion and, by extension, kinder interactions with others.

Q & A

What is the main issue the speaker has been dealing with throughout their life?

The speaker has been dealing with an insane amount of anger and rage, which has been a constant presence since their earliest memories at the age of 5.

How did the speaker's teenage years manifest their anger issues?

During their teenage years, the speaker would often punch holes in walls and break things, and it was a miracle if they went more than two weeks without causing such damage.

What activity did the speaker find that helped manage their rage?

Boxing served as an outlet for the speaker's rage, allowing them to exercise and hit punching bags or people for up to 6 hours a day, which helped keep them out of trouble.

How did the speaker's self-hatred contribute to their anger?

The speaker's self-hatred was a significant part of their anger, as they held themselves to an impossibly high standard, and any mistake would trigger intense self-directed rage.

What was the speaker's realization about their inner monologue?

The speaker realized that their inner monologue was filled with the angriest and most violent self-talk, which was a constant and often unnoticed part of their thought process.

How did the speaker's self-talk affect their interactions with others?

The speaker's self-hatred and intense self-talk led them to be insufferable and harsh with others, as their internal anger would spill over into their interactions.

What therapeutic exercise was suggested to the speaker to change their self-talk?

The speaker was advised to stop their self-talk each time it occurred, and instead, treat themselves as if they were speaking to a close friend who made the same mistake, using a kinder tone.

How did the speaker implement the therapeutic exercise?

The speaker would audibly speak to themselves as if they were the friend who made the mistake, and record the kinder response on their phone to send to their therapist.

How long did it take for the speaker to see a significant change in their self-talk?

It took about four months of consistent practice for the speaker to change their self-talk and effectively 'get rid' of their internal Bobby Knight persona.

What was the mental model the speaker had for their internal change?

The speaker had a mental model where Bobby Knight, symbolizing their rage, was initially the dominant voice in their 'boardroom' of thoughts, but eventually, he was no longer present.

How has the speaker's change in self-talk affected their behavior towards others?

By changing their self-talk, the speaker has become less harsh towards themselves and, by extension, less harsh towards others, reducing the amount of anger they project onto the world.