How to Get What You Want By Letting Go [The Backwards Law]

Summary

The video script delves into the paradoxical lessons learned from Navy SEAL training's 'drownproofing' exercise, where one must counterintuitively let go and surrender to survive. It draws parallels between this exercise and life's experiences, introducing the concept of inverted curves, where the more effort exerted, the further one moves away from the desired psychological state like happiness or confidence. The key is relinquishing control and accepting negative experiences, allowing one to resurface and breathe anew, much like in drownproofing. Ultimately, it encourages embracing the art of 'doing and not doing' to overcome the mind's self-sabotaging tendencies and achieve fulfillment.

Takeaways

• 🏊‍♂️ In Navy SEAL drownproofing training, letting yourself sink counterintuitively helps you stay afloat longer, teaching the skill of relinquishing control in life-threatening situations.
• 📈 Most things in life operate on a diminishing returns curve, where the more effort you put in, the less rewarding it becomes after a certain point.
• 🔃 Some psychological experiences like happiness and confidence exist on an inverted curve, where pursuing them directly pushes them further away.
• 🧠 Our minds often chase abstract desires like a dog chasing its own tail, failing to realize the pursuit itself is the problem.
• 🔓 To achieve psychological states like happiness and confidence, we must paradoxically let go of our desperate desire for them.
• 💪 Relinquishing control is not about feeling powerless, but about exercising power over what is within our control.
• ✅ Accepting that failure and negative experiences are inevitable is key to making progress and finding fulfillment.
• ➰ Linear effort-reward relationships only exist for simple, repetitive tasks, not complex life experiences.
• 🌊 The more we struggle to stay on the surface of satisfaction, the more we plunge into dissatisfaction.
• 🧘 Practices like meditation and dancing may also operate on inverted curves, where trying too hard undermines the goal.

Q & A

What is 'drownproofing' in Navy SEAL training?

Drownproofing is an exercise in Navy SEAL training where the trainee's hands are bound behind their back, their feet are tied together, and they are dropped into a nine-foot pool. The goal is to survive for five minutes by letting themselves sink to the bottom and pushing off to come up for air repeatedly.

What are the two counterintuitive lessons of drownproofing?

The first lesson is that the more you struggle to keep your head above water, the more likely you are to sink and drown. The second lesson is that the more you panic, the more likely you are to burn oxygen and energy, increasing the chances of falling unconscious.

How does the author relate drownproofing to life?

The author argues that the ability to relinquish control, give yourself up to a higher cause, and let go under stressful circumstances, which is required in drownproofing, is an important skill for life in general.

What are the three types of effort-reward curves discussed in the script?

The three effort-reward curves discussed are: 1) Linear curve for simple, repetitive tasks, 2) Diminishing returns curve for complex, novel experiences, and 3) Inverted curve for emotional and psychological experiences that exist within our minds.

What is the inverted curve, and why is it important?

The inverted curve is where increasing effort towards an experience actually makes it worse or leads to failure. It is important because it applies to emotional and psychological experiences that exist within our minds, which influence how we interpret everything else in life.

Can you provide an example of an experience that follows the inverted curve?

The desire for happiness is an example of an experience that follows the inverted curve. The more we consciously desire to be happy, the further away from happiness we get, as desiring it reminds us that we are not currently happy.

How does the author explain the inverted curve in relation to the mind?

The author compares the mind to a dog chasing its own tail when it comes to abstract goals like happiness or confidence. The more the mind (dog) chases these goals (tail), the more they seem to run away because the mind lacks the perspective that it and the goal are the same thing.

What advice does the author give for achieving psychological experiences like happiness or confidence?

The author advises relinquishing control, not because of powerlessness but because of power – accepting that sometimes we won't feel confident or happy, but doing the thing anyway. He suggests accepting failure and letting go of things beyond our control as the only way to achieve these experiences.

How does the author connect the concept of the inverted curve to drownproofing?

Drownproofing exemplifies the inverted curve because the more a trainee struggles and panics (increasing effort), the more likely they are to fail and drown. Success comes from letting go, relinquishing control, and accepting the negative experience (sinking) as a positive one.

What is the main takeaway or message conveyed in the script?

The main takeaway is that for emotional and psychological experiences that exist within our minds, the more we consciously pursue them (e.g., happiness, confidence), the further away we get from achieving them. The key is to let go, accept negative experiences, and relinquish control over things beyond our control.

Outlines

00:00

🌊 The Paradox of Drownproofing

This paragraph introduces the concept of drownproofing, a Navy SEAL training exercise where individuals are bound and dropped into a pool to learn counterintuitive lessons about survival. The first lesson is that struggling to keep one's head above water is counterproductive; instead, letting oneself sink to the bottom and then pushing off periodically to surface for air is the key. The second lesson is that panicking burns oxygen and energy, increasing the likelihood of losing consciousness. These lessons teach the ability to relinquish control and surrender in the face of adversity, which is crucial for Navy SEAL training and life in general.

05:00

🔄 The Inverted Curve: Embracing Counterintuitive Effort

This paragraph introduces the concept of the "inverted curve," where increasing effort towards an experience makes it worse, contrary to the typical linear or diminishing returns curves. This phenomenon applies to internal psychological experiences like happiness, confidence, and love, where consciously desiring a particular state inadvertently creates the opposite state. The key is to relinquish control not out of powerlessness but out of power, accepting negative experiences as a means to positive ones. By letting go of what is beyond our control and embracing failure, we can resurface and try again, much like the drownproofing exercise. The inverted curve teaches us to stop chasing our own tails and instead allow our minds to achieve what they desire by giving up what they desire.

Keywords

💡Drownproofing

Drownproofing is an exercise used in Navy SEAL training where a person's hands are bound behind their back, feet are tied together, and they are dropped into a pool with the objective to survive for five minutes without the ability to swim. This exercise teaches counterintuitive lessons about letting go of control and embracing acceptance, which are valuable skills not just for Navy SEALs but also for life in general.

💡Inverted Curve

The inverted curve is a concept introduced in the video, referring to scenarios where the more effort you put into achieving something, the worse the outcome becomes. This counterintuitive phenomenon applies to emotional and psychological experiences that exist solely within our minds, such as happiness, confidence, and feeling loved. The video argues that understanding this inverted curve is crucial for personal growth and well-being.

💡Diminishing Returns

Diminishing returns is the principle that the more you experience something, the less rewarding it becomes. The video explains that most complex, novel experiences in life follow a diminishing returns curve, where initial efforts yield significant rewards, but beyond a certain point, additional efforts produce progressively smaller returns. Examples include productivity, friendships, and various pleasurable activities.

💡Linear Curve

A linear curve represents a direct, proportional relationship between effort and reward. The video suggests that linear curves only exist for simple, repetitive, and mindless tasks, such as filling out paperwork or driving a car. In these cases, doubling the effort typically results in doubling the output or reward.

💡Relinquishing Control

Relinquishing control is the act of letting go and accepting circumstances that are beyond one's control. The video argues that this ability is essential for overcoming the inverted curve and achieving emotional and psychological well-being. It involves accepting negative experiences without resistance and engaging in activities without being attached to specific outcomes.

💡Paradoxical Art

The video references Aldous Huxley's concept of "the paradoxical art of doing and not doing, or combining relaxation with activity." This idea suggests that proficiency and results come not from conscious, forceful efforts, but from a paradoxical state of relaxation and acceptance combined with action. It aligns with the principles of relinquishing control and embracing the inverted curve.

💡Acceptance

Acceptance is a central theme in the video, particularly in relation to the inverted curve and emotional well-being. The video advocates accepting negative experiences, rather than resisting them, as a path toward positive experiences. It argues that the acceptance of a negative experience is itself a positive experience, contrasting with the pursuit of positive experiences, which often leads to negative outcomes.

💡Chasing One's Tail

The video uses the metaphor of a dog chasing its own tail to illustrate the futility of pursuing emotional and psychological states through conscious effort alone. Just as a dog can never catch its tail, the more we chase after happiness, confidence, or love, the further away we move from those states. This metaphor emphasizes the need to relinquish control and embrace acceptance.

💡Survival Mechanisms

The video refers to the drownproofing exercise as turning one's survival mechanisms against them. In this context, survival mechanisms refer to the natural instincts and reactions that typically aid in survival, such as struggling to keep one's head above water. However, in the drownproofing exercise, these mechanisms become counterproductive, illustrating the need to override instinctive responses and embrace counterintuitive strategies.

💡Letting Go

Letting go is a central concept in the video, closely tied to relinquishing control and acceptance. It involves releasing the desire for specific outcomes and embracing circumstances as they unfold. The video argues that the ability to let go under stressful and trying circumstances is a crucial skill, not only for Navy SEALs but for life in general, as it allows one to navigate the inverted curve and find emotional and psychological well-being.

Highlights

In Navy SEAL training, there is something called drownproofing, where they bind your hands behind your back, tie your feet together, and drop you into a nine-foot pool. Your job is to survive for five minutes.

The first lesson of drownproofing is paradoxical. The more you struggle to keep your head above water, the more likely you are to sink and drown. The trick is to actually let yourself sink.

The second lesson of drownproofing is the more you panic, the more likely you are to burn oxygen and energy, and the more likely you are to fall unconscious.

The ability to give yourself up to some higher cause, the ability to relinquish control in the face of death, the ability to let go under the most stressful and trying circumstances, it makes sense why this is part of Navy SEAL training.

Most people assume that the relationship between effort and reward is one to one, but most things in life actually don't exist on a linear curve.

For simple, mindless, repetitive tasks, effort and reward tend to have a linear relationship.

For complex, novel experiences that involve social relationships, creativity, new experiences, they tend to have a diminishing relationship between effort and reward, a diminishing curve.

For emotional and psychological experiences that only exist inside our own minds, that is where the inverted curve kicks in. The more you pursue happiness, the further away from it you get.

The more you try to feel confident, the more you question yourself and feel insecure. The more you wish to be loved, the more your neediness repels people around you.

The constant desire to be free from constraints is itself a constraint.

The harder we try with the conscious will to do something, the less we shall succeed. Proficiency and results come only to those who have learned the paradoxical art of doing and not doing, or combining relaxation with activity.

When we consciously desire a particular state of mind, we inadvertently create the opposite state of mind.

Desiring a positive experience is itself a negative experience, and the acceptance of a negative experience is itself a positive experience.

Whether it's our desire to feel more happiness, confidence, control, satisfaction, security, novelty, all of these things, by wanting them, we simply move ourselves further away from them.

You decide to accept that sometimes people will not like you, but you engage with them anyway; that sometimes you will not feel confident, but you do the thing anyway; that sometimes you will not be happy, but you'll get out of bed anyway.

Transcripts

(light music)

- In Navy SEAL training

there is something called drownproofing,

where they bind your hands behind your back,

tie your feet together, and drop you into a nine-foot pool.

(quirky music)

Your job is to survive for five minutes.

Now, like Navy SEAL training,

in general, most people

who attempt drownproofing fail at it,

but some people make it,

and they do so

because they understand two counterintuitive lessons.

The first lesson of drownproofing is paradoxical.

The more you struggle to keep your head above water,

the more likely you are to sink and drown.

See, the trick to drownproofing

is to actually let yourself sink.

You let yourself sink to the bottom of the pool

and then you push yourself off the bottom

to come back to the top where you gain another breath

and you repeat the cycle over again.

So in a strange way,

drownproofing doesn't require you

to have superhuman strength or an insane endurance.

In fact, you don't even have to know how to swim.

On the contrary, drownproofing actually requires

that you know how to not swim.

The second lesson of drownproofing is the more you panic,

the more likely you are to burn oxygen and energy,

and the more likely you are to fall unconscious.

In a sick and twisted way,

the exercise turns your survival mechanisms against you.

And if you think about it,

the skill that drownproofing demands,

the ability to give yourself up to some higher cause,

the ability to relinquish control in the face of death,

the ability to let go under the most stressful

and trying circumstances,

it makes sense why this is part of Navy SEAL training.

And in this video, I wanna argue

that this is not only an important skill for the Navy SEALs.

I wanna argue that it's an important skill for life.

(quirky music)

(film reel clicking)

Most people assume that the relationship

between effort and reward is one to one.

We think that working twice as long,

we will get twice as much done.

We think that we spend twice as much time with somebody,

they will feel twice as loved.

But here's the thing,

most things in life actually don't exist on a linear curve.

In fact, linear curves only exist

for mindless rote, repetitive tasks

like filling out paperwork or driving a car,

or making widgets in a factory.

In all these cases, somebody who does it for two hours

is going to likely double the output

of somebody who does it for one hour.

The linear curve doesn't work for life

because most of life's activities aren't simple.

They're not rote or repetitive or mindless.

They are actually complex

and emotionally or psychologically demanding.

You adapt and evolve,

and circumstances change,

and this is what makes life so complicated.

Therefore, most activities in life actually exist

on something called a diminishing returns curve.

Diminishing returns means

that the more you experience something,

the less rewarding it becomes.

The classic example here is productivity.

Working for two hours is probably going to be twice

as productive as working for one.

Working for four might be twice as productive as two.

Working for eight, probably not.

And working for 16 hours

is definitely not twice as productive as working for eight.

The concept of diminishing returns applies

for experiences that are complex and novel.

Think of the number of showers you take in a day,

the number of chicken wings you eat for lunch,

the number of times you have sex in a week,

the number of countries you've visited in your lifetime.

Friendships also operate on a diminishing returns curve.

If you only have one friend,

having two is probably life-changing.

If you have two friends,

having four or five is probably a little bit better,

but having 10 probably starts to get annoying.

As I said, sex has diminishing returns, as does eating,

as does drinking, as does partying, as does traveling,

as does reading books, hiring employees,

scheduling business meetings,

studying for an exam, masturbating,

staying up late to play video games.

The examples are endless

because the amount of complex

and novel experiences we can have are also endless.

(film reel clicking)

But there's another curve to human experience

and it's probably a curve you've never seen

or thought of before.

That's because I come up with this shit.

Let's call it the inverted curve.

The inverted curve is the bizarre twilight zone

of effort-reward curves

where every increasing amount of effort

towards an experience actually makes it worse.

That is the more effort you put into doing something,

the more you will fail to do it.

Now, this might sound insane and completely irrational,

but drownproofing, I would argue,

is one of the few activities that exists

on an inverted curve.

Now, if you sit and think really hard,

you could probably come up with a handful

of other human activities:

meditation, dancing, trying to impress people.

But for all intents and purposes, most things in life,

the more you try at 'em, the better you get.

So what's the big deal?

Well, I would argue that the importance

of the inverted curve is when it comes

to experiences that only exist within our own minds.

And because everything else we experience in life

is interpreted through the experiences we have

in our own minds,

I would argue that understanding inverted curves

is extremely fucking important.

So let's review really quick.

For simple, mindless, repetitive tasks,

effort and reward tend to have a linear relationship.

The more time you spend in the car, the further you get.

For complex, novel experiences

that involve social relationships,

creativity, new experiences,

they tend to have a diminishing relationship

between effort and reward.

That is a diminishing curve.

And then for emotional and psychological experiences

that only exist inside our own minds,

that is where the inverted curve kicks in.

The more you pursue happiness,

the further away from it you get.

The more you try to feel confident,

the more you question yourself and feel insecure.

The more you wish to be loved,

the more your neediness repels people around you.

The constant desire to be free

from constraints is itself a constraint.

Aldous Huxley once wrote,

"The harder we try with the conscious will to do something,

the less we shall succeed.

Proficiency and results come only

to those who have learned the paradoxical art

of doing and not doing,

or combining relaxation with activity."

The most fundamental components

of our psychology operate in this way.

This is because when we consciously desire

a particular state of mind,

we inadvertently create the opposite state of mind.

So it's by wanting to be happy

that we remind ourselves that we are not happy.

It's wanting to be confident

that we remind ourselves we are not confident.

It's by wanting to be loved

that we remind ourselves that we don't feel love.

The inverted curve, at its core,

is the backwards law that I describe

in chapter one of "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck."

"Desiring a positive experience

is itself a negative experience,

and the acceptance of a negative experience

is itself a positive experience."

But this extends to most,

if not, all of our mental health and relationships.

Whether it's our desire to feel more happiness,

confidence, control, satisfaction, security, novelty,

all of these things,

by wanting them,

we simply move ourselves further away from them.

It's by wanting to stay on the surface of our satisfaction

that we only cause ourselves to plunge deep into the water.

These internal psychological experiences exist

on an inverted curve because they are both the cause

and effect of the same thing: the mind.

When you desire happiness,

your mind is both the thing that desires

and the thing that is desired.

When it comes to these lofty, abstract goals,

our mind is like a dog that,

after successfully chasing and catching all sorts

of other things in its life,

has decided to turn on its own tail

and try to catch its tail.

I mean, why not?

Chasing things has worked for everything else in life.

Why wouldn't it work for happiness

or confidence or security?

But a dog can never catch her own tail.

The more she chases, the more the tail seems to run away.

That's because the dog lacks the perspective to understand

that she and the tail are the same thing.

The goal is to take your mind,

a wonderful tool

that has spent its life chasing many, many things,

and teach it to stop chasing its own tail;

to teach it to achieve what it desires

by giving up what it desires;

to show it that the only way to reach the surface

is to let itself sink.

And how do we do this?

You do this by relinquishing control,

not because you feel powerless,

but because you are powerful,

because you have decided to let go of things

that are beyond your control.

You decide to accept

that sometimes people will not like you

but you engage with them anyway;

that sometimes you will not feel confident,

but you do the thing anyway;

that sometimes you will not be happy,

but you'll get out of bed anyway.

You decide to accept that most of the things you do

in your life will result in failure.

And not only is that okay, it's the only way

to get back to the surface to breathe to do it again.

(water sloshing)

(swimmer panting)

(waves lapping)