6 Negative Stories You Tell Yourself And How To Change Them
Summary
TLDRIn this insightful video, Dr. Tracy Marks delves into the concept of emotional programming, exploring how early life experiences shape our thoughts and behaviors in adulthood. She discusses six common negative stories individuals often tell themselves, stemming from emotional imprints like abandonment, dependence, unworthiness, disconnection, mistrust, and failure. Dr. Marks provides strategies to deconstruct and reframe these distorted narratives, emphasizing the importance of recognizing patterns, challenging cognitive distortions, practicing vulnerability, and engaging in self-soothing activities to break free from emotional programming and cultivate a healthier mindset.
Takeaways
- 😀 Our early life experiences shape our thoughts and emotional patterns (schemas) in adulthood.
- 😔 Negative experiences can create a 'hole' in our emotional cup, leading to distorted self-beliefs.
- 🚫 Six common negative self-stories: abandonment, dependency, unworthiness, disconnection, mistrust, and failure.
- 🔍 Deconstructing these stories involves identifying their origins, challenging unrealistic expectations, and practicing vulnerability.
- 🧠 Our negative self-talk often stems from internalizing others' voices and projecting past hurts onto present situations.
- 🌳 Building self-esteem, emotional resilience, and self-soothing skills can counteract negative programming.
- ✍️ Journaling helps recognize thought patterns and separate emotions from reality (emotional reasoning).
- 💬 Improving communication and allowing vulnerability can foster deeper connections and combat loneliness.
- 🌈 Positive emotions and coping statements can interrupt negative rumination cycles.
- 🔑 The key is awareness: recognizing negative schemas is the first step towards reshaping them.
Q & A
What is emotional programming, and how does it develop?
-Emotional programming refers to the imprint of positive and negative experiences from early life that carries over into adulthood. It develops from interactions with parents, siblings, and others, shaping the way we think and interact in the present day.
What are the six types of negative emotional programming stories discussed in the video?
-The six types of negative emotional programming stories discussed are: 1) Abandonment Story, 2) Dependent Story, 3) Unworthy Story, 4) Disconnection Story, 5) Mistrust Story, and 6) Failure Story.
How does the Abandonment Story manifest itself, and what are some ways to deconstruct it?
-The Abandonment Story involves beliefs like 'people don't really care about me' or 'I'm destined to end up alone.' To deconstruct it, one can examine unrealistic relationship expectations, practice vulnerability, and work on developing trust in relationships.
What is the Dependent Story, and how can one challenge it?
-The Dependent Story involves thoughts like 'I can't cope with being alone' or 'I need someone to take care of me.' To challenge it, one can gradually take on more responsibilities, challenge themselves outside their comfort zone, and learn to enjoy solitude more.
How does the Unworthy Story develop, and what are some ways to deconstruct it?
-The Unworthy Story can develop from feeling like one could never measure up to high standards or constant criticism. To deconstruct it, one can identify whose voices they hear when they say negative things about themselves and recognize that those voices represent others' issues, not their own.
What is the Disconnection Story, and how can one feel more connected to others?
-The Disconnection Story involves thoughts like 'No one understands me' or 'I rarely feel close to people.' To feel more connected, one can take small steps to open up, improve the quality of conversations, and avoid exaggerating differences between oneself and others.
How does the Mistrust Story manifest itself, and what are some ways to deconstruct it?
-The Mistrust Story involves beliefs like 'Most people will use or hurt you' or 'You need to stay on guard.' To deconstruct it, one can acknowledge instances of trustworthiness, avoid projecting past experiences onto present situations, and challenge pessimistic thinking patterns.
What is the Failure Story, and how can one challenge it?
-The Failure Story involves thoughts like 'There's no point in trying because I'm just gonna fail' or 'I never seem to get things right.' To challenge it, one can consider what they would say to a friend in a similar situation, identify whose voice they hear when they think negatively, and work on building self-esteem.
What is emotional reasoning, and how does it contribute to negative emotional programming stories?
-Emotional reasoning is a thinking pattern where one's emotions are interpreted as reflecting reality, even when they may be triggered by past experiences or unrelated thoughts. This can contribute to negative emotional programming stories by causing misinterpretations of current situations based on those emotions.
What are some suggested coping strategies or techniques mentioned in the video for breaking past negative emotional programming?
-Some suggested coping strategies mentioned include journaling, engaging in self-soothing activities, using positive coping statements like 'My past doesn't define me,' and practicing grounding techniques (to be covered in a future video).
Outlines
👩⚕️ Understanding Emotional Programming
This paragraph introduces the concept of emotional programming, which refers to the impact of early life experiences on an individual's emotional development and thought patterns. It explains how positive and negative experiences shape one's emotional state, leading to either a fulfilling emotional cup or a depleted one. The paragraph highlights that negative emotional programming can result in maladaptive schemas or distorted stories that guide behavior and outlook on life.
😔 Six Types of Negative Stories
This paragraph outlines six types of negative stories that individuals with negative emotional programming can believe and allow to guide their behavior. These stories include the abandonment story, the dependent story, the unworthy story, the disconnection story, the mistrust story, and the failure story. Each story is explained with examples of self-talk and suggestions for deconstructing and challenging these thought patterns.
🧠 Overcoming Negative Emotional Programming
The final paragraph emphasizes the importance of recognizing negative emotional programming patterns and suggests journaling as a useful way to deconstruct and fine-tune thoughts. It highlights the concept of emotional reasoning, a cognitive distortion where emotions are mistaken for reality, and provides coping statements to help break free from negative stories. The paragraph concludes by promising future videos on distraction techniques, self-soothing activities, and grounding techniques to further support the process of overcoming negative emotional programming.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Emotional programming
💡Maladaptive schema
💡Abandonment story
💡Dependent story
💡Unworthy story
💡Disconnection story
💡Mistrust story
💡Failure story
💡Emotional reasoning
💡Self-soothing
Highlights
Your early life experiences with your parents, siblings, and other people in your life, leave an imprint on you, that carries over into your adult life.
If you have enough positive experiences, to fill your emotional cup, you can process the negative experiences, and compartmentalize them in a way, that they don't dictate every aspect of your adult life.
If the sum total of your experiences were negative, or you had some early traumatic experiences, that disrupted your emotional development, your imprint becomes predominantly negative, and affects the way that you interact in the present day.
You develop what's called maladaptive schema, in dialectical behavior therapy terms, but I'm gonna call it negative emotional programming, that creates these distorted stories that you tell yourself.
Number one is the abandonment story. This tends to develop from early experiences, with people who were cold, distant, or critical.
Next is the dependent story. You can develop this story from early experiences, of being overprotected in a way that didn't allow you, to take appropriate risks and learn from your mistakes.
Number three is the unworthy story. You can develop this kind of thinking, if you felt the standards you had to meet were so high, that you could never measure up.
The next story you can tell yourself, is the disconnection story. This could develop from having insecurities about yourself, not having your feelings validated, but it can also be a part of your personality style, just not to be very open with people.
The fifth story is the mistrust story. This story can develop from a deep seated belief, that there's no one looking out for your best interest.
The last story is the failure story. And there's lots of reasons, you can believe this about yourself.
Do any of these negative stories resonate with you? You can can break past your emotional programming.
The first step is recognizing these patterns, and a useful way to work on deconstructing the thoughts, is to write down things in a journal.
An important thing to remember here though is, emotional reasoning drives many of these stories.
So another way to process some of these negative stories, is to engage in self-soothing activity, so that you can generate some positive emotions.
A couple of examples of coping statements are; My past doesn't define me. My emotion does not reflect my reality. Whatever happens, I'll handle it.
Transcripts
Hi, I'm Dr.Tracy Marks, a psychiatrist,
and I make mental health education videos.
Today I'm talking about emotional programming,
what it looks like and what it does to your thinking.
Your early life experiences with your parents,
siblings, and other people in your life,
leave an imprint on you
that carries over into your adult life.
No one's life is perfect because we're all imperfect people
and make mistakes.
We say the wrong things,
don't do enough of the right things, et cetera.
So the imprint that you're left with
is a mixture of positive and negative experiences.
If you have enough positive experiences
to fill your emotional cup,
you can process the negative experiences
and compartmentalize them in a way
that they don't dictate every aspect of your adult life.
The negative experiences have their place.
It's not like you can't remember them,
but you're able to shake them off and keep moving.
If the sum total of your experiences were negative,
or you had some early traumatic experiences
that disrupted your emotional development,
your imprint becomes predominantly negative
and affects the way that you interact in the present day.
So when instead of having an emotional cup
that's full most of the time, or is easy to refill,
you have a hole in the bottom of your cup
and you can't keep it full and it keeps getting depleted.
So how does this affect your thoughts
and outlook on the world?
You develop what's called maladaptive schema
in dialectical behavior therapy terms,
but I'm gonna call it negative emotional programming
that creates these distorted stories that you tell yourself.
These stories keep building and strengthening
when your emotional cup gets depleted
and you're working hard to fill it back up.
So here are six types of negative stories
that you can come to believe and let guide your behavior.
Number one is the abandonment story.
This tends to develop from early experiences
with people who were cold, distant, or critical.
And likewise,
you tend to end up in relationships with a similar dynamic,
with people who are treating you similarly.
With this story,
you say things like people don't really care about me.
No matter how good things seem, it never lasts.
I'm destined to end up alone.
I worry about people I care about leaving or dying.
Ways to deconstruct and think through this
is to ask yourself,
do you have unrealistic expectations
of how relationships should be?
In what ways could you practice being vulnerable
so that you can open yourself up
to experiencing more joy in relationships?
How can you focus on developing more trust
in a relationship?
Because of your early experience,
your reflexive reaction is to close down
and protect yourself from being hurt.
So to work past that,
you have to allow yourself to be more vulnerable.
And what does that look like?
I talk about being more emotionally vulnerable
in relationships in this video on using conversation
to create intimacy and combat loneliness.
Next is the dependent story.
You can develop this story from early experiences
of being overprotected in a way that didn't allow you
to take appropriate risks and learn from your mistakes.
If you were blocked from making your own decisions
and not being allowed to fall down,
you don't learn how to stand back up and be resilient.
So you can say things like, I can't cope with being alone.
I can't trust my own judgment.
I need someone to take care of me and to make me happy.
Life is too overwhelming to cope with on my own.
To deconstruct this, ask yourself,
what are some small ways that you can challenge yourself
to do something outside of your company zone?
How can you gradually build taking on more responsibilities?
What can you do to enjoy your solitude more?
You need to learn to be more comfortable with yourself
so that you can be able to sooth yourself
and break away from this pattern of being too dependent
on someone else to meet your needs.
Number three is the unworthy story.
You can develop this kind of thinking
if you felt the standards you had to meet were so high
that you could never measure up.
Or if you felt constantly criticized or compared to others.
Some of the things that you may say to yourself are;
I'm flawed. I'm unlovable. I'm damaged. I'm less than.
Ways to deconstruct and to think through this
are to ask yourself,
whose voices do you hear
when you say these things to yourself?
If you didn't hear someone say this,
what scenario do you envision
where you were left feeling this way?
For example, a parent pushing you to always do better,
can leave you feeling like you're not good enough.
Once you recognize whose voice this represents,
think about how that voice was really an expression
of their own issues.
So you have a flawed person leaving an imprint on you
of being flawed.
Once you make that connection,
you can start the process of tearing down the facade.
If you saw the movie, The Truman Show,
it was about a man who was raised on television
in a television studio, and his entire life was staged.
That's how you can see the negative emotional programming
that you live with.
The negative things that you believe about yourself
are based on other negative beliefs
that someone else passed onto you.
And by the way, this is not always about your parents.
Children can do a lot of damage to other children.
They can also perpetuate an insecurity
that you have about yourself.
The next story you can tell yourself
is the disconnection story.
This could develop from having insecurities about yourself,
not having your feelings validated,
but it can also be a part of your personality style
just not to be very open with people.
Behaviorally, this can look like keeping yourself
in an arms distance in relationships
to avoid opening up to people.
Or you can distance yourself by focusing on people's flaws
and exaggerating the differences between you and them.
Some of the things that you say to yourself are;
No one understands me.
I rarely feel close to people.
I feel like there's an invisible barrier
between me and other people.
As you try to deconstruct this story,
think of ways that this story helps protect you
from being hurt by others.
What small step can you take
to feel more connected to people?
And this is another example
where improving the quality of your conversations
can help you feel more connected.
Another thing to ask yourself is,
do you tend to discount similarities and exaggerate
differences between yourself and others?
In other words,
are you the one pushing people away by magnifying
small differences and making them deal breakers?
The fifth story is the mistrust story.
This story can develop from a deep seated belief
that there's no one looking out for your best interest.
And this can come from a traumatic experience
or even the neglect.
In this case,
the neglect doesn't have to be from your parents
leaving you on the front doorstep without food.
This can be from a selfish parent
who's always disappointed you or ignored you.
Behaviourally, this can look like having relationships
where you question the person loyalty,
or it can look like repeated relationships,
where you tolerate unacceptable behavior from the person.
And then these exploitative relationships
reinforce your mistrust of people.
Some of the things that you say to yourself are;
Most people will use or hurt you.
You need to stay on guard to protect yourself.
People only do or think nice things
when they wanna get something out of it.
To deconstruct this story,
think about how much pessimistic thinking
plays into the story.
Pessimistic thinking is where your mind focuses
on the negative and hardly acknowledges the positive.
Think about things that people have done
that show that they are trustworthy
that you overlooked or didn't acknowledge.
It could be something very small,
like following through on something that they said
that they would do or showing up on time.
Also, are you reacting to a present situation
as if you were in the past?
In other words,
are you holding on the things that someone else did
assuming that everyone is gonna do the same thing
or treat you the same way?
When you do that,
you're not judging the current person
on the merits of their behavior.
The last story is the failure story.
And there's lots of reasons
you can believe this about yourself.
You could have had a series of failures or inadequacies
that weren't balanced by an appropriate level of validation.
If you fail enough,
you can start to believe that you'll always fail.
Behaviourally this can look like passing on opportunities
because you're afraid to fail,
or you can create a self-fulfilling prophecy
by giving it a low effort or sabotaging your efforts
so that you do end up failing.
Some of the things that you can say to yourself are;
There's no point in trying because I'm just gonna fail.
I never seem to get things right.
What if people realize I'm not as good as they think I am?
Ways to deconstruct this kind of thinking
is to think about what you would say to a friend
if they were in your situation.
Would you tell them not to try?
Or would you help your friends see the benefit
of giving it a chance?
Another thing that you can think about is
whose voice are you hearing?
That voice may not have said the same thing
that you're saying to yourself,
but the person may have made you feel as though
there was no point in trusting you to do something
because you don't do things very well
or you never follow through with things.
There's a difference between being mediocre,
when it comes to achievements,
and having a basic belief
that you're a failure at most things.
If you have enough self esteem,
you will be able to fail more than once
without those failures becoming your identity.
Your reaction to failure shapes your long-term outlook.
If you tend to over-focus on negative aspects of things
or tend to have black and white thinking,
you are more prone to internalize the failures.
Do any of these negative stories resonate with you?
You can can break past your emotional programming.
The first step is recognizing these patterns
and a useful way to work on deconstructing the thoughts
is to write down things in a journal.
That also allows you to get out your raw thoughts
and then fine tune them later.
An important thing to remember here though is,
emotional reasoning drives many of these stories.
Emotional reasoning is a thinking pattern
called a cognitive distortion where your mind tells you
that your emotions reflect reality.
Even though your emotions can inform you about the situation
and how you should respond, they're not always reliable.
Examples of emotional reasoning are;
I feel scared so I must be in danger.
Or I feel guilty so I must have done something wrong.
But sometimes these are just free floating emotions
that pop into your mind triggered by an unconscious thought
based on something from the past.
If that's the case,
you can misinterpret your current situation
based on an emotion that's unrelated.
So another way to process some of these negative stories
is to engage in self-soothing activity
so that you can generate some positive emotions.
The positive emotions may help you stop ruminating
on your negative story.
A couple of examples of coping statements are;
My past doesn't define me.
My emotion does not reflect my reality.
Whatever happens, I'll handle it.
There's a lot to this. Thanks for making it this far.
You probably need to re-watch this video
to get more out of it.
And I'll do a follow-up video in the future
on distraction techniques and self-soothing activities
and grounding techniques.
Then you can use those tools
to get even more out of this video.
Stay tuned. See you next time.
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