Raised Without Gender
Summary
TLDRThis script explores gender norms in Sweden through the lens of a family raising their children without gender binary constraints. The family uses gender-neutral language, avoids gendered toys and clothing, and encourages free expression. The video delves into the impact of this approach on the children, societal reactions, and debates surrounding gender-neutral education. It highlights the progressive Swedish kindergartens and the challenges faced by gender-nonconforming individuals, offering a nuanced view of a society in transition.
Takeaways
- 🌍 Sweden is recognized globally for its progressive views on gender, with the use of the gender-neutral pronoun 'hen' being common among Swedes.
- 🏡 The family in Örebro, Sweden, aims to raise their children free from gender norms, avoiding gendered toys, colors, and clothing to allow their children to express themselves freely.
- 👦👧 Both of Del's children, Mika and Niko, were assigned male at birth, but their family does not let their sex assignment dictate their gender identity, supporting a fluid expression of gender.
- 👗 Mika's preference for wearing dresses and having long hair often leads people to perceive them as female, but the family does not correct these assumptions, aligning with Swedish gender-neutral values.
- 📚 The Swedish Government School Plan, in place since 1998, prohibits the enforcement of gender stereotypes in education, promoting an environment that is open to diverse gender expressions.
- 🏫 Egalia, the first gender-neutral kindergarten in Sweden, emphasizes democracy and anti-discrimination, allowing children to express their identities without the constraints of traditional gender roles.
- 🤔 Despite progressive policies, there is criticism of Sweden's approach to gender in education, with some arguing that it overlooks biological sex differences and may be detrimental to boys.
- 👨👧👦 Del, an intersex individual, and their family navigate public spaces with resilience, sometimes facing stares and judgments due to their non-conforming appearance.
- 👶 The children's understanding of gender is still developing, as seen in their interactions and questions about gender roles and expressions among their peers.
- 🏢 As Mika prepares to transition to a new school, Del is proactive in ensuring the educational environment will be understanding and supportive of their gender expression.
- 🌈 The script highlights the ongoing conversation and evolving understanding of gender in Sweden, with a focus on individual expression over traditional norms.
Q & A
What is the gender-neutral pronoun 'hen' and why is it significant in Sweden?
-The pronoun 'hen' is a gender-neutral term used in Sweden, reflecting the country's progressive stance on gender identity. It is significant as it allows individuals to be referred to without being assigned a specific gender, which aligns with the country's efforts to challenge traditional gender norms.
What is the controversy surrounding government-funded gender-neutral kindergartens in Sweden?
-The controversy stems from the perception that these kindergartens are attempting to erase traditional gender roles and identities. Critics argue that this approach could be confusing for children and may not align with the natural development of gender identity.
How does the family in Örebro approach raising their children without gender norms?
-The family avoids gendering toys, colors, and clothing, allowing their children to explore their interests freely without being constrained by societal expectations of what is appropriate for their assigned sex at birth.
What is the role of Del in the family and their perspective on gendering?
-Del is an American photographer and a parent in the family. They are intersex and identify as non-binary, using 'mapa' as a term of endearment. Del shares the family's values that gendering is harmful and supports raising the children free from gender norms.
How does the family handle situations where others may assume a gender for their children based on appearance?
-The family does not correct people who assume a gender for their children. They allow their children to be referred to by various pronouns, including 'she' or the gender-neutral 'hen' in Swedish.
What is the Swedish Government School Plan's stance on enforcing gender stereotypes?
-The Swedish Government School Plan, established in 1998, forbids enforcing gender stereotypes in educational settings, promoting an environment where children can explore their identities without being confined by traditional gender roles.
How does the kindergarten teacher Johanna approach questions about a child's gender?
-Johanna does not impose a gender identity on children. She allows them to express their gender as they feel comfortable, avoiding direct answers to questions about a child's gender to prevent reinforcing stereotypes.
What is the criticism against the Swedish approach to gender-neutral education by Dr. Eberhard?
-Dr. Eberhard criticizes the approach as damaging, arguing that it is a brainwashing strategy that erases sex differences and leads to problems for boys in particular, such as lower academic performance and higher suicide rates.
How do the children at Mika's kindergarten perceive gender and their peers?
-The children seem to have a more fluid understanding of gender, not necessarily adhering to traditional binary concepts. They are open to playing with children of different gender expressions and do not appear to be limited by gender stereotypes in their play.
What challenges does Del face as a gender-non-conforming individual in public spaces?
-Del experiences stares and judgment from others due to their gender-non-conforming appearance. They describe feeling like a micro-activist when they go out in public, challenging societal norms and expectations.
How does the family plan to navigate the transition from kindergarten to a more traditional school environment?
-The family seeks out progressive schools that align with their values, such as Steiner schools, which focus on creativity and playing without imposing gender norms. They also prepare to educate other parents about their family's unique structure and values.
Outlines
🌈 Exploring Gender-Neutral Parenting in Sweden
The script introduces the concept of gender-neutral parenting in Sweden, where the family avoids gender norms and uses the pronoun 'hen'. The narrator meets Amelia and Del, an intersex 'mapa', and their children Mika and Niko, who are free to express themselves without gender constraints. The family discusses their approach to toys, clothing, and language, aiming to raise their children without the traditional gender binary.
🏫 Gender-Neutral Education in Swedish Kindergartens
This paragraph delves into the Swedish government's stance on gender-neutral education, which has been in place since 1998. It explores the experiences of a family with their children at a gender-neutral kindergarten, Egalia, where toys and activities are not gendered. The founder, Lotta Rajalin, emphasizes the importance of allowing children to express themselves freely, regardless of gender, class, or sexuality.
🤔 Criticisms and Challenges of Gender-Neutral Parenting
The script presents the viewpoint of Dr. Eberhard, a critic of gender-neutral parenting, who argues that it is damaging and a form of brainwashing that erases sex differences. He suggests that the approach is causing problems for boys in Sweden, such as lower academic performance and higher suicide rates. The critic advocates for allowing children to express themselves naturally without government intervention.
👗 Navigating Public Spaces with Gender-Non-Conforming Children
The narrative shifts to the experiences of Del and the children in public spaces, where they face stares and curiosity from others due to their non-traditional family structure and gender expressions. Del discusses the challenges of being intersex and the importance of being a role model for the children, emphasizing the need for societal acceptance and understanding of diverse gender identities.
💇♂️ Mika's Haircut and the Complexity of Gender Identity
The script follows Mika to a haircut appointment, where the hairdresser's use of 'she' prompts a discussion about pronoun preferences. It highlights the fluidity of Mika's gender identity and the family's approach to allowing Mika to explore without forcing a choice. The paragraph also touches on the social implications and potential challenges Mika may face due to their gender expression.
🏡 Preparing for School and the Future
As Mika is about to leave kindergarten, the family seeks an understanding school that will support their gender expression. They visit a Steiner school known for its progressive values. The family also contemplates how to communicate Mika's gender identity to other parents and the potential for bullying, emphasizing the importance of creating a safe and accepting environment for their child.
🌟 The Impact of Privilege and the Hope for Social Progress
The final paragraph reflects on the family's awareness of their children's privileges and their intention to raise them with an understanding of social issues. Del acknowledges the potential for their children to face discomfort due to their family's non-normative structure but sees it as a small price for social progress. The script concludes with a hopeful outlook on the possibility of a more fluid and accepted understanding of gender identity in the future.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Gender-neutral pronoun
💡Gender binary
💡Intersex
💡Trans rights movement
💡Gender expression
💡Gender norms
💡Non-binary
💡Rainbow families
💡Gender creative
💡Trans-Masculine Spectrum
💡Privilege
Highlights
Sweden is leading the world in questioning gender norms with the use of the gender-neutral pronoun 'hen'.
Government-funded gender-neutral kindergartens in Sweden are sparking international controversy.
The rise of young people identifying outside the traditional male and female binary is noted.
Amelia's visit to Örebro, Sweden, to explore a family raising children free from gender norms.
Introduction to the family with intersex 'mapa' (father) Del, and partner Matilda who gave birth.
Del's photography work focusing on queer identities and challenging gender norms for over three decades.
The family's approach to avoiding gendered toys, colors, and clothing for their children, Mika and Niko.
Mika's preference for wearing dresses and long hair, leading to public assumptions of femininity.
The family's decision not to correct people's assumptions about Mika's gender.
The use of the Swedish gender-neutral pronoun 'hen' for Mika.
The family's method of avoiding gendered language in children's books by changing pronouns.
Grandma Margaret's perspective on the new and challenging aspects of gender-neutral parenting.
The Swedish Government School Plan's prohibition of enforcing gender stereotypes since 1998.
Lotta Rajalin's influence as the founder of Sweden's first gender-neutral kindergarten, Egalia.
Egalia's approach to teaching without reinforcing gender norms or stereotypes.
Criticism of Sweden's gender-neutral approach by Dr. Eberhard, focusing on the impact on boys.
The challenge of explaining gender-neutral concepts to other parents and society at large.
Del's concerns about the impact of societal norms on the family and the children's future.
The family's preparation for Mika's transition to school and the importance of an understanding environment.
The exploration of the children's own understanding and expression of gender at their age.
Transcripts
Sweden is the most forward-thinking country in the world when it comes to questioning gender
The gender-neutral pronoun 'hen' is now commonly used by most Swedes
and government funded gender-neutral kindergartens often spark controversy in the foreign press.
With recent victories for the trans rights movement
and more young people defining as something other than male and female than ever before
I'm curious to find out what it's like to grow up without the gender binary.
So, I've just arrived in Örebro in Sweden
and I'm about to get me a family here attempting to bring up their kids free from all gender norms.
Amelia: Hello. Amelia. Nice to meet you. Del: Nice to meet you Amelia: How are you?
Niko: Del: This is Niko.
Hello!
This is Margaretta and this is Mika
Margaretta is my partner's mother.
And where is your partner? (Del: At work) Okay.
Yeah, somebody's got to bring home the veggie bacon
So this is our humble abode
I love the artwork.
Yeah, this is Mika and Niko's artwork.
Mama is that your partner?
Yeah, my partner goes by Matilda and Matt, but is also the one who gave birth, and I'm mapa
It's just was felt right to me because I'm intersex; I was born with
characteristics of both male and female.
Even though my body didn't develop along more masculine lines until puberty.
and so yeah my partner is not
Trans
strictly trans, but we share the same
values that gendering is harmful .
Del is an American photographer who moved to Sweden for love
Their work has, for over three decades,
focused on queer identities and challenging gender norms.
Let me show you around the house (Amelia: Yes please) you can see the kids' bedrooms.
This is Niko's room.
and how old is Niko?
Niko is two and a half. (Amelia: And Mika is?)
Almost five and a half.
Mika and Niko were both assigned male at birth
but in this family the sexy were born with does not dictate your gender identity.
We don't gender toys. We don't gender colors.
So whatever they're interested in--
it's like they can just play with whatever toys they want and you would never dictate what those toys were.
No, no absolutely not.
So they both have a lot of cars
and they both have dolls
And what about with clothing?
Right now Mika is, for the past
two months has worn a dress every day just about.
When Mika is wearing dresses, and because Mika has very very long hair
most people assume that
Mika is female.
If someone called Mika 'female' in front of Mika would you correct them or intervene?
No, no, we've never we've never corrected anybody.
In fact if people call Mika 'she' we might go with that, too.
We use 'he' for them, sometimes it's mixed and it depends, you know, because in Sweden
we have 'hen', the gender-neutral pronoun in Swedish.
I think Mika has always said, when I've asked, it's been 'she' or 'hen'
Confused about what pronoun to use, I decide to call Mika and Niko by their names.
Did you hurt yourself my love?
CRYING: I got a boo-boo.
Did you get a boo-boo?
Should I kiss it?
Blow on it?
CRYING: Blow on it.
Okay.
Is that better now?
Yeah.
Yeah, I think so, too.
How do you avoid gendering your children?
We didn't choose anything but gender-neutral names we chose not to know what sex
they would be assigned when they were born.
Not answering the question "is it a boy or a girl?"
to avoid the b-word and the g-word.
Changing pronouns in books
instead of it always being Mama we say Mama and Mapa
"What's the matter sweetie?" asked mapa.
"It's so dark!"
"Don't be afraid," says mapa. "I'll call the lantern fish"
"sleep tight little rainbow fish"
This is good. I got it fifty per-cent off,
so, yes.
Are you going to share? (Amelia: Thank you!) with Amelia?
That's nice. (Amelia: Delicious!)
I want to know how grandma Margaret feels about how her grandchildren are being raised.
Margaret and Del, do you think that you have similar or different
parenting methods?
I can understand that there may be some things that are
(Margaret: New) new and harder to understand.
What do you think those things are, like, the specifically.
Well, specifically to do things like gender.
I mean, the reason I like Margaretta so much is because she thinks I'm a great mapa, right?
Yes, is very much. Yeah.
Niko
What's your spoon for?
When I first arrived it didn't feel that strange that the kids were wearing dresses and stuff
'cuz kids are kids and like kids like to play dress up
And they are smart, funny, joyous kids to be around.
The next morning I help Del get Mika and Niko ready for Kindergarten.
Ready?
There we go.
You want to wear?
this one or
this one
You want this one, okay? We're going to go with the red and black theme today, then. Good idea.
That's not something I always have to say, but it would be good to know today for the film
Just Mika okay. Let's go
Mika seems like neither a boy nor a girl
just non-binary
and when you ask Mika about Mika's gender Mika just doesn't really want to talk about it
At home the kids can be as gender creative as they please, but now it's time for kindergarten.
Mika hug and kiss
I wonder what the other children make Mika's gender expression.
Hey, how would you describe Mika?
What is 'hen'?
What do you want to be when you grow up?
A builder? What do you want to build?
A house?
What kind of children are you going to have?
That's nice. I don't care how my children look like either.
The Swedish Government School Plan forbids enforcing gender stereotypes and has done since 1998
What are some of the ways in which you avoid gender norms when you are teaching?
And what does this say?
So these pictures are basically breaking down the boundaries of different stereotypes
This is like a soft father figure.
Sleeping beauty says 'no'
Lesbian mums.
When it comes to gender creative teaching the most influential person in Sweden is
Lotta Rajalin who started the country's first gender-neutral kindergarten
So welcome into Egalia
How would you describe Egalia?
It's all about democracy
for children to have their right to be what they are
what they feel like they are, regardless of gender
class, sexuality.
It's about anti-discrimination.
Do these dolls have a gender?
No. Not what we can tell.
But the children they play-- they never ask. It's not important for the children.
Here's the office
and I'm going to show you what we call the whole life spectrum.
We tend to divide this life spectra into two
pieces one for boys and one for girls
More often pink is for girls and blue is for boys
And we call a body cool and strong
and to girls we more often say that they should be helpful, nice, cute
We have different expectations
we take away this border and
we don't separate it in boyish and girlish and we give the whole life spectra to everyone
So we are not limiting, we are just adding. We are not changing the children. We are changing our
own thoughts.
While a more gender-neutral focus in kindergartens is fully adopted by the swedish government
Even in liberal Sweden, there's no shortage of critics
Dr. Eberhard has written books on raising kids,
and a recent article he wrote heavily criticized attitudes to gender in Swedish kindergartens.
Why do you disagree with the Swedish government's recommendation that schools do not reinforce gender norms?
I think it's damaging because it tells us that
behaviors that are typical for boys, typical for girls
is problematic.
It's a brainwashing strategy that you are
eradicating sex differences, which I do oppose.
The major problem in Sweden, I would say, is that our boys fail in school, not the girls.
Our boys are committing suicide, not the girls.
So, the problem today in Sweden is with the boys
If you have this law that you should treat boys like hens
It implies that you should not behave like the boy you were born to be
It should not be the government to tell our kids how they should react it should be up to them
and I would like our kids to be kids.
That's what the gender-neutral kindergarten said, too.
So in that sense we do agree, but the means of making this happen we disagree.
In your mind, what would be a better way of doing things?
You cannot solve a problem by doing totally the opposite way
I think then you create new problems.
Think I was expecting him to be a bit more hardline
In a weird way he kind of seemed to agree with some of the values of the gender-neutral kindergarten
that it should be out the individual
except he doesn't think we should erase boys and girls as categories.
While adults will clearly disagree on how to teach kids about gender. It's ultimately the children who are affected.
I want to see how genderless teaching has influenced the kids at Mika's kindergarten.
What are you doing? Are you climbing?
They've got a good tree
This is an easy tree
That might be as high as I can go
What do you think about gender?
Are boys and girls equally good at climbing?
What's your favorite game?
Do you play catch with girls as well?
Can I come play with you guys?
What's your favorite thing about kindergarten?
I think what I've learned here is that they're not trying to erase gender.
They're just trying to take out the discrepancies
It seems a lot less sexist than other schools,
and it seems really open to the idea of same-sex parents
same-sex relationships with children that might not conform really tightly to male or female
And I think that's going to have a positive effect overall on the children
Swedish kindergartens seem accommodating to rainbow families like Del's,
but I wonder if ordinary Swedish society is as open-minded
Del takes Mika and Niko shopping.
As soon as we enter people start staring.
Do people normally stare?
Yeah. I'm so used to it, I sort-of block it out,
but sometimes I notice, and then sometimes I stare back at them
It's like, what the hell are you looking at? You think you look so good compared to me? I don't think so.
Oh what's beautiful? What is that?
Maybe this is something for Mika.
They may be a little big for you, but I don't know.
Wow, check this out.
Go ask mama what she thinks.
When I go swimming with the kids it's not easy for me
I go to the male changing rooms and
my body without clothes does not really pass
Puberty I started growing a beard, one breasts developed one did not, my genitals were a bit different
I still thought I was female, but I plucked my beard in secret for years and years
And I did have shame, so I think every time I go out
looking gender-non-conforming, you could say
I think that does something
it's like a way of being micro-activist
They bump into a family they know
Hey Core, hey Magnus.
Good to see you
Core is actually the only other kid we know in Örebro
Who was assigned male at birth who also has long hair and wears dresses.
I would say nearly 99% of all the people that we meet say that
that he is a girl.
Do you let Core choose their clothes
and how they have their hair
We let him choose in the way that is practical for us.
Now he has started to say that he's a girl
The other day he's a boy and sometimes he's a cat.
It's good for him . It's a part of his childhood
he can be whatever he wants, or dress however he wants, for that short time, because
society will have its toll on him anyway.
Core has been invited to play later, but first Mika has an appointment at the hairdresser's.
How are you going to have your hair cut?
I'll never forget my most pivotal haircut when I was about Mika's age a bowl cut like this
Do you like that haircut on me?
Why didn't I?
Because the hairdresser just cut it all off
Would you like to have her that short?
No. Why not?
What do you think Mika?
Good.
The hairdresser had called Mika 'she', so I asked Del how to address Mika today.
So you know there was a question, that question you don't like so much.
What?
They wanted to know if you, we wanted,
if they should call you hon, han, or hen.
Hen
hen
You want them to call you hen?
Like you, yes.
Like me? Okay.
Hey, Nika. Why don't you like it when people ask
Hen
Hon, han, hen?
Just don't like it.
When you ask Mika about gender, Mika doesn't always seem to want to talk about it.
Do you, why do you think that is?
I don't want Mika to be forced to choose
Hoh, han, or hen
I mean I think you've heard that Mika will say hen because I say hen
I think Mika does and probably will model themselves more on me
I try not to put my obsessions onto Mika,
but I do believe that Mika has the ability to choose
You know if Mika decides to be a dude
Then, great, that's fine. I will love Mika no less.
Mika wants to wear something nice to match the new haircut before Core arrives
When you change, you put that on?
Hey good. You're getting inside
Core wants to have just the same as me.
What are your favourite clothes?
My dress, that I have on right now.
Do kids ever ask you if you're a boy or a girl?
How do you feel about that?
Grandma Margarette arrives to take Niko to the park
She didn't seem convinced about the gender aspect of Del's parenting
so I want to find out how she really feels
Niko had told me today
I'm a boy
So I think he really knows what he is, and I hope
that when Mika feels that he is really a man, later
that he has no problem to be a man, then.
You said when Mika feels that he is a man, do you think
when Mika is older Mika will feel that they are a man?
I don't know.
He likes flowers, and he likes pink, but he is always playing with cars
if you give him a doll is not so interested.
but he does like wearing dresses. So maybe he'll always like both?
Do you think that could create any problems?
That's a question.
Does he like to wear dresses?
Or does Del like that he wears dresses?
So that Del has always said, "hey, look I have both a nice dress for you. Won't you try one today?" I don't know.
Sometimes you are worried about how will it be in school for Mika,
when he comes with dresses and long hair and
would you get one on his nose from the other children?
Of course I'm worried about that.
Mika is leaving kindergarten soon
and Del wants to find an understanding school for Mika.
They've been invited to spend the morning at a nearby Steiner school.
Here, Steiner schools are progressive and focus mainly on playing creativity
I take Mika outside, so Del can chat to the teacher, Johanna
If a child would come to you with the question about
what is Mika, a boy or girl? How would you answer that?
So, you didn't answer them.
but interesting also that that was the first question they, I mean
people get trained so early to
It's like we don't know how to act with you if we don't know if you're a boy or a girl
Maybe you haven't had a circumstance
where kids might be bullying another kid or or
policing them and saying, "but you have a penis, so you shouldn't have long hair"
Tell me about the meeting you had with the teacher just now.
Johanna, I thought was really nice.
I was really happy because
they're coming from a place, it seems, of, like, not wanting to impose anything on kids
Next week there's a parents meeting
so I will get to meet the parents of the kids who Mika will be going to school with
and it's very important to me that they understand
when their kid comes and says, "Mika has a MApa. What's a mapa?"
and they say, "No, no, that's Mika's PApa."
I don't want them to do that. So I have to write a letter
Dear
parents
Mika, our soon-to-be six year old child has a varied gender
expression and two parents.
A Mama and
a Mapa
We are non-binary part of the larger
Trans-Masculine Spectrum
see the problem with this is I doubt that they even know what any of this means?
I don't even really know what Trans-Masculine Spectrum is.
Del: Oh really? Amelia: And I'm supposed to know about these things.
K. Let me explain further.
You can hyperlink out.
What I really want y'all to know is that I promise not to discriminate against you on the basis of either your
sexuality or your cis-gender.
Your heterosexuality.
You may not have ever
heard about
Mapas
but, now you have
While the language around gender-identity has evolved to include more people,
to those unfamiliar with these terms it can be difficult to grasp
How do you feel about them
leaving the environment that you've quite carefully created for them.
There is a big bad world out there and the prospect of
Mika in particular being bullied because of their gender expression
Of course, I don't want them bullied, and of course it scares the hell out of me
But I think that they have the tools to deal with it, and we talked about it
My job is to create the framework from which they feel safe and they can go out from
but a lot of people would say you're deliberately bringing up your child to not fit in with the norm
and that could be dangerous for them. What would you say to that?
Would say, "you're absolutely right."
People raise their children to be just like them. So we're doing nothing different.
We're absolutely ordinary in that way.
Let me just say
They are both assigned male at birth. They're both white.
They're both able bodied. They're intelligent.
They've got a full knapsack of privileges.
So if they have to deal with a little bit of discomfort because they have a mapa
or because their gender expression doesn't match what other people think it should be
Gender confusion is a small price to pay for social progress.
It sounds like from some of what you said you're kind of
trying to bring them up
with an antidote for the amount of privilege they've been born with
I don't want to strip them of their unearned privilege
I think a lot of the social problems we have in the world are down to
the streaming that we force boys this way and girls this way
Some of us have escaped those systems of regulation
after my time in Sweden
I found that while adults have strong ideas about gender
Mika and kids their age but still working out what gender means to them
The norms we have about the binary won't change overnight
But if kids would truly be given room to explore gender on their own terms
Maybe a more fluid gender identity would gradually become more acceptable.
Wow!
What about this?
Wheeee!
It's exhausting.
Faster
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