our conception of love is messed up.

Summary

Este video patrocinado por Wren explora la visión activa versus pasiva del amor. La presentadora critica la noción de que el amor es algo pasivo y algoritmo de mercado, donde las personas se vuelven mercancías y el amor se convierte en una estrategia para no sentir soledad. En cambio, argumenta que el amor es un arte que requiere esfuerzo y práctica constante. Desafía la cultura de consumismo y expectativas hiperrealistas de las relaciones románticas, y anima a los espectadores a centrarse en cómo amarse mutuamente más que en lo que reciben, promoviendo una comprensión más auténtica y activa del amor.

Takeaways

• 🤔 El amor se percibe de dos maneras: como algo pasivo que nos sucede o como algo activo que requiere esfuerzo y participación.
• 📚 Erich Fromm en su libro 'El Arte de Amar' sugiere que el amor es una habilidad que se desarrolla con práctica y dedicación, no simplemente un sentimiento que se experimenta.
• 💬 La cultura actual tiende a enfocarse en cómo hacerse amable y aumentar el valor en el 'mercado de personalidad', en lugar de en cómo amar genuinamente.
• 🎨 El amor debe ser visto como una actividad creativa que enriquece la vida de ambas partes, más allá de ser un simple intercambio de bienes o atención.
• 🌱 La autoaceptación y el amor propio son fundamentales para mantener una relación saludable, permitiendo que las preocupaciones sobre el amor recibido no distorsionen la realidad.
• 🚫 La sobrevaloración de la hiperrealidad, como la representación del amor en medios de comunicación, puede llevar a expectativas poco realistas en las relaciones reales.
• 🚫 La frase 'Si él quisiera, lo haría' puede ser perjudicial ya que puede generar malentendidos y falta de comunicación en las relaciones.
• 🚫 Los 'red flags' deben ser señales de advertencia de problemas serios en una relación, no trivialidades o preferencias personales.
• 🌐 La influencia de las redes sociales puede distorsionar nuestra percepción del amor y las relaciones, al promover ideales de amor hiperreal.
• 💌 El amor verdadero se mide por la capacidad de dar y recibir de manera equilibrada, y no solo por la cantidad de regalos o gestos simbólicos que se intercambian.

Q & A

¿Qué es lo que el patrocinador Wren ofrece en el video?

Wren es un sitio web donde puedes tomar un cuestionario corto para calcular tu huella de carbono y encontrar formas de reducirla. También tienen múltiples proyectos de reducción de carbono en los que puedes ayudar a financiar, como la plantación de árboles, la weathering mineral y la protección de selvas tropicales.

¿Cuál es la premisa central del libro mencionado en el video sobre el amor?

El libro se basa en la premisa de que el amor es un arte que requiere conocimiento y esfuerzo, en lugar de ser una sensación placentera que experimentamos por casualidad.

¿Qué papel juegan las redes sociales y las plataformas como TikTok en la percepción del amor según el video?

Las redes sociales y plataformas como TikTok influyen en la percepción del amor al difundir ideales y expectativas que pueden ser poco realistas, como la idea de que el amor es algo que se encuentra en lugar de algo que se construye y se cultiva.

¿Qué autor menciona el video para apoyar la idea de que el amor es un arte?

El video menciona a Eric Fromm y su obra 'El Arte de Amar' para apoyar la idea de que el amor es un arte que requiere práctica, dedicación y fe.

¿Cómo se compara el amor en el 'mercado de personalidad' según Eric Fromm?

Eric Fromm compara el amor en el 'mercado de personalidad' con el capitalismo moderno, donde uno se presenta para ser lo más atractivo posible para ser 'adquirido', en lugar de enfocarse en el acto de amar y ser sincero.

¿Qué es la 'hiperrealidad' y cómo afecta nuestra percepción del amor según Jean Baudrillard?

La 'hiperrealidad' es una realidad que imita la realidad original pero se convierte en más real que esta última. Afecta nuestra percepción del amor al hacernos creer que las representaciones idealizadas del amor en los medios son más auténticas que el amor real y complejo.

¿Qué es un 'red flag' según la definición dada en el video?

Un 'red flag' es un presentimiento intuitivo de que algo no está bien en una relación, una sensación de malestar que aparece tempranamente que indica que la relación puede no ser adecuada para nosotros.

¿Por qué el video argumenta que es importante tener un buen nivel de amor propio?

El video argumenta que el amor propio es importante para no dejar que las preocupaciones paranoides sobre no ser amado suficientemente afecten nuestra percepción de las relaciones y para poder juzgar con una mente más clara.

¿Qué es lo que el video critica sobre la idea de 'esperar a que hagas algo si quisieras' en las relaciones?

El video critica que esta idea lleva a la expectativa de que los compañeros, especialmente los hombres, deben saber lo que hacer y lo que queremos sin comunicárselo, y también es contradictoria ya que si ambos pensamos así, nadie haría nada.

¿Cómo el video sugiere que deberíamos enfocar nuestro concepto del amor para mejorar nuestras relaciones?

El video sugiere que deberíamos enfocar nuestro concepto del amor como una acción en lugar de una cosa pasiva, centrándonos en cómo amar activamente en lugar de esperar ser amados, y en cómo podemos dar y recibir amor de manera más auténtica y menos influenciada por la hiperrealidad.

Outlines

00:00

💭 Amor como arte o pasión

Este primer párrafo explora la naturaleza del amor, cuestionando si es algo que requiere conocimiento y esfuerzo o si es una sensación placentera que ocurre por casualidad. El video, patrocinado por Wren, propone que el amor es un arte que debe ser aprendido y cultivado, en contraposición a la creencia popular de que es algo que simplemente sucede. Se critica la cultura de las relaciones románticas actuales, donde se busca ser amado más que aprender a amar, y se menciona la obra de Eric Fromm 'El Arte de Amar' para fundamentar esta perspectiva.

05:03

🔍 El amor como una mercancía

El segundo párrafo analiza cómo las personas se presentan en el 'mercado de personalidad' buscando amor, tratando su propia imagen y valor social como si fueran productos. Se argumenta que este enfoque reduce a las personas a mercancías y los relaciona con la idea de que el amor es algo que se adquiere en lugar de algo que se desarrolla activamente. Además, se discute la evolución de los roles de género y cómo los cambios en los estándares de atracción reflejan una mercantilización de la identidad en busca de amor.

10:09

🎨 El amor como una obra de arte

Este párrafo profundiza en la idea de que el amor es una actividad, no un objeto o una sensación pasiva. Se hace un llamado a ver el amor como una forma de arte que requiere práctica, dedicación y fe. Se argumenta que, al igual que en otras artes, el amor requiere esfuerzo constante y no solo se practica cuando es conveniente o agradable. Se enfatiza la importancia de la acción en el amor, en lugar de esperar que suceda, y se cita a Bell Hooks para abogar por una responsabilidad y accountability en el amor.

15:12

🤝 La importancia de la reciprocidad en el amor

El cuarto párrafo discute la noción de que el amor verdadero implica un intercambio equitativo y una relación recíproca, en lugar de una simple expectativa de recibir. Se critica la idea de que el amor se mide por lo que se recibe, especialmente en las relaciones heterosexuales donde a menudo se espera que los hombres sean los dadores y las mujeres los receptores. Se pone de relieve la necesidad de dar amor activamente, compartiendo emociones, conocimientos y pasiones, más allá de los regalos materiales.

20:14

🌐 El amor en la era de la hiperrealidad

Este párrafo explora cómo la cultura de consumo y la exposición a ideales románticos en los medios de comunicación han distorsionado la percepción del amor en la sociedad contemporánea. Se introduce la teoría de la 'hiperrrealidad' de Jean Baudrillard para explicar cómo las representaciones mediáticas del amor han llegado a ser más 'reales' que el amor real, formando expectativas irracionales. Se cuestiona la idea de que se debe esperar un nivel de amor perfecto y se aboga por una comprensión más auténtica y activa del amor en las relaciones personales.

25:17

🚫 Red flags y la búsqueda de un amor auténtico

El sexto y último párrafo del guion aborda el término 'red flags' y cómo ha sido excesivamente utilizado y malinterpretado. Se argumenta que los verdaderos red flags son indicios tempranos de problemas serios en una relación, y no simples preferencias o diferencias menores. Se insta a la audiencia a centrarse en el desarrollo del amor y la autoestima, en lugar de dejarse llevar por ideales románticos distorsionados y a juzgar las relaciones según estándares impuestos por la cultura de la hiperrealidad.

Keywords

💡Amor

El amor es el tema central del video, donde se explora si es una sensación placentera que ocurre por casualidad o si requiere conocimiento y esfuerzo activo. El guionista cuestiona la noción pasiva de amor y argumenta que requiere participación y esfuerzo para desarrollarse, como se refleja en la cita de Eric Fromm y la discusión sobre el amor como una 'arte' que debe ser aprendida y practicada.

💡Pasivo vs. Activo

Este concepto se refiere a la distinción entre ver el amor como algo que te sucede o como algo que debes buscar activamente. En el video, se argumenta que la mayoría de las personas adoptan una perspectiva pasiva, esperando a que el amor los encuentre, en lugar de involucrarse y trabajar por él, lo que se contrapone a la visión del orador de que el amor es un acto activo que requiere esfuerzo.

💡Mercado de personalidad

Eric Fromm compara el proceso de dating con el capitalismo moderno, donde uno se presenta en el 'mercado de personalidad' para ser lo más atractivo posible. Esto implica adaptarse a las expectativas y deseos de los demás para aumentar su 'valor de mercado', lo que se discute como una forma de objetivar a las personas y reducir el amor a una transacción estratégica.

💡Hiperrrealidad

Jean Baudrillard acuña este término para describir cómo las representaciones mediáticas de la realidad, como películas y series de televisión, pueden llegar a ser más reales para nosotros que la realidad misma. En el video, se utiliza para criticar cómo las expectativas de amor formadas por la hiperrealidad distorsionan nuestra comprensión y experiencia del amor en la vida real.

💡Señuelos rojos

Los 'señuelos rojos' son señales tempranas que indican que una relación puede no ser adecuada para uno. Sin embargo, el video señala que este término se ha sobreutilizado y se ha extendido para incluir trivialidades que no son señales de alarma auténticas, lo que puede llevar a malentendidos y a la ruptura de relaciones sanas.

💡Autoamor

El autoamor se menciona como una herramienta para mantener una perspectiva clara en las relaciones y para no caer en la paranoia sobre no ser amado lo suficiente. Se argumenta que el autoamor es fundamental para contrarrestar la presión de las expectativas hiperrealistas del amor y para mantener la autoestima y la independencia emocional.

💡Comunicación

La comunicación es un tema recurrente en el video, donde se enfatiza la importancia de expresar necesidades y deseos en lugar de esperar que el otro lo adivine. Se argumenta que la comunicación es fundamental para una relación saludable y que la falta de comunicación puede llevar a malentendidos y a la valoración errónea del amor del otro.

💡Ofrenda

El concepto de ofrenda se relaciona con la idea de dar y recibir en las relaciones amorosas. Aunque es común valorar el amor por lo que se recibe, el video subraya que el verdadero amor implica una ofrenda auténtica de uno mismo, incluyendo tiempo, energía y emociones, más allá de los regalos materiales.

💡Estándares

El video critica la idea de tener 'estándares' rígidos en las relaciones, particularmente cuando se refiere a esperar un nivel de amor perfecto basado en ideales hiperrealistas. Se sugiere que en lugar de fijarse en estándares, deberíamos enfocarnos en la autenticidad y en el esfuerzo de dar y recibir amor de manera genuina.

💡Superficialidad

La superficialidad se refiere a la tendencia de valorar las relaciones y el amor por aspectos externos o materialistas, en lugar de la conexión emocional y la calidad del vínculo. El video desafía esta perspectiva, argumentando que el amor verdadero va más allá de la apariencia y se basa en la profundidad de la conexión y el intercambio mutuo.

Highlights

Video sponsored by Wren, a platform to calculate and reduce carbon footprint.

Question posed: Is love a passive sensation or an active effort?

Critique of the prevalent belief that love is something one stumbles upon.

Discussion on the superficial approach to love often seen in media.

The 'if you wanted to, he would' mentality critiqued as a relationship myth.

Eric Fromm's 'The Art of Loving' introduced as a foundational text on love as an active art.

Comparison of dating to the personality market in modern capitalism.

The importance of shifting from being lovable to loving as an active choice.

The concept of love as a verb, not just a noun or feeling.

The role of faith and dedication in the practice of love as an art.

The idea that love involves giving of oneself, not just receiving.

Critique of the expectation that men should be the primary givers in relationships.

The impact of social media on relationship expectations and the pressure to receive.

Jean Baudrillard's concept of hyperreality and its influence on our concept of love.

The overuse of 'red flags' and the importance of distinguishing between deal breakers and preferences.

The call to focus on self-love and not be misled by hyperreal displays of love.

Encouragement for viewers to engage in the conversation about love and relationships.

Transcripts

This video is sponsored by Wren.

Is love in art? Then it requires knowledge, and  effort. Or is love a pleasant sensation, which to  

experience is a matter of chance... something one  falls into if one is lucky? This little book is  

based on the former premise, while undoubtedly the  majority of people today believe in the latter.

not that people think that love is not important. They are starved for it. They watch endless numbers  

of films and happy and unhappy love stories. They  listen to hundreds of trashy songs about love. Yet  

hardly anyone thinks that there's anything that  needs to be learned about love. Scrolling through  

posts about romantic relationships nowadays, I kind  of hate it. Not because I'm a cynic or I find PDA

to be cringy. In fact, I love, love. I think it should  be central to the way we live our lives. But there  

are several beliefs about romantic relationships  that i see commonly floating around on the  

internet that bug me. There's the "if you wanted  to he would" group, the "never settle" advocates,

the constant talk about "red flags" and "standards" and letting random strangers on TikTok make you  

question your healthy relationship. "You don't find  that suspicious... you don't find that suspicious??"

As a preface, I'll probably talk more so  about things I see and hear from straight  

women since that's what I identify as. But the  fundamental concepts that I talk about for love do  

apply to all romantic relationships, regardless  of gender or sexuality. Before I get to specific  

content I see online, let's talk about two broader  questions. Is love passive or active? In other words,  

is love a state that exists independently and is  waiting for us to fall into, or does it require  

our participation and effort to bring about? Two, is  our conception of love grounded in anything real,

or are we comparing our relationships to hyper  real love? Now we can't love if we're all dead  

from climate change, right? Smooth segway into a  sponsorship... I know... Well i'm here to briefly talk  

about Wren. Wren is a website where you can take  a short quiz to calculate your carbon footprint  

and find ways to reduce it. They have multiple  carbon reduction projects that you can help  

fund such as tree planting, mineral  weathering, and rainforest protection.  

Once you sign up to make a monthly contribution  to offset your carbon footprint, you receive  

monthly updates about the projects you support.  You get to see what your money is spent on with  

photos and details of every tree planted, every  acre reforested, and every ton of carbon offset.  

Check out the link in the description box for  more info. The first 100 people who sign up using  

my link will have 10 extra trees planted in their  name! Thank you again, Wren for sponsoring this video.

Okay, so first, is love passive or active? Based on  the quote I recited at the beginning of the video,

you can probably guess that I believe love is  active. I want to be clear, a lot of the things  

that I will be saying in this section of the video  can be found in Eric Fromm's the Art of Loving.  

It was written in 1956, so obviously some of the  things are outdated but I still feel as though a  

lot of it is applicable to present day. See Fromm notices that most people view love through a  

passive lens. Love is somehow out there waiting  for us to stumble upon. You hear phrases such  

as "true love comes to those who wait" "do not chase  love. It will just find you when the time is right"

and so people focus on making themselves as  lovable as possible rather than loving.

Fromm likens dating to modern capitalism, modern capitalism  works on the premise of mutually beneficial  

exchange. I buy your product and you get my money. To participate in the dating world is to place  

yourself in what Fromm calls the personality market. You try to make yourself as lovable as possible  

which is really dependent on the time period  and culture. For a long time, the dream man was  

ambitious, physically strong, a protector. But now  there's a lot more demand for men who crochet and  

will cry into our shoulders. A lot of people also  try to make themselves lovable for certain types  

of people. For example, if Person 1 wants a goth  tiddy gf and Person 2 wants a computer science  

boy, they're probably going to dress differently  and get well versed in different talking points.

But by then, they've already become selective about  which market they're putting themselves out onto.

They are already deciding what kind of love should  come their way and so really love becomes what  

will satisfy your desire to not be lonely. Fromm  compares this self-interested search for a partner  

to a bargain, because you can almost think of it  like a graph. You have fallen in love when you  

find the optimal sweet spot between social value  and desire for you. This strategical exchange  

doesn't really treat people as people. Instead , we become commodities on this personality market  

and we're all trying to increase our market value  by adhering to what others want. I know a lot of  

straight women are happy and think it's quite  progressive that more straight men are moving  

from a Alpha gymbro lifestyle, to adopting more  nerdy soft or feminine traits. I see so many  

comments being like "Oh, men are finally listening  to what women want!" And don't get me wrong,

I definitely prefer the latter type of men as well, but should we really be happy about this? Like the  

men are just adhering to changing social values  to be more desirable on this personality market.

But is a man who is traditionally masculine  necessarily a worse lover than a man written  

by a woman? Instead of congratulating people  for becoming a better commodity to soothe our  

awareness of our existential loneliness, why do we  not focus on loving itself? This is what I mean by  

passive versus active conceptions of love. Someone  who thinks of love passively asks "How do I become

loved? Someone who thinks of love actively asks  "How do I love?" When relationships end, people tend  

to focus on how to improve their lovability by  working out, getting their hair done, buying new  

clothes, advancing their career as exemplified  by post-breakup glow-up videos on Youtube.  

"I'm gonna have a post-breakup glow-up, basically just  doing my hair and makeup." "So we're going to get my  

hair done, I'm going to self tan. We're going to  whiten my teeth, we're going to do a face mask  

exfoliate, wax my eyebrows, wax my upper lip, shave, do a full face of makeup. Hopefully put extensions in,

get my nails done, get my toes done, we're gonna do the most." And yes, I know people often claim  

that these transformations are for self-love  and not others but I'm highly suspicious of  

how changing so much of your physical appearance  is self-love. Sure you will feel more confident,  

but it's because you now feel more desirable to  others. We're always so concerned with being loved  

I know it's a popular joke for people to comment  things like "throwing myself off of the empire  

state building" or "eating glass for breakfast" under happy couple posts and it's funny, okay,

don't get me wrong. But it's funny because we feel  that there is a level of truth to it. Seeing other  

people in happy relationships prompts us to feel  sad or slightly jealous that we are not being  

loved enough. Rarely do they ever make us think  about how we can improve as a lover and maybe help  

bring that kind of love into our lives. We seem to  take our concept of love itself for granted. Most  

people assume that love is just intuitively  known and it does not need to be learned.

Everyone will just naturally know what it is. But this stems from the problem of treating love  

as an object, a noun, a feeling something that just  happens to us. Fromm and also Bell Hooks (RIP queen)

say we need to shift our perspective  and understand love as an activity. Fromm actually  

calls love an art, and just like being good at any  art such as playing an instrument, dancing, painting,

it requires constant practice, dedication, and faith. Just as how you can't be a good piano player by  

only playing when you feel like it, you can't be  good at love if you only choose to love when it is  

convenient and enjoyable for you. Fromm also says  that an art requires faith. When you practice an  

art, and you run into a difficult skill rather than  give up because it's hard. You have to have faith  

in eventually succeeding and dedicate effort  to that art until you succeed. The same is with  

love. I'll get more into this later on with the  overuse of the term "red flags" but i feel like  

people start to doubt their whole relationship  just because they saw one random person on TikTok

say something. Of course, if there's constant  cheating, lying, abuse, etc. These are clear signs  

to leave. Wiring our brains to think about love as  something active rather than passive is actually  

really helpful in separating love from abuse  and dishonesty. I want to read a passage from  

Bell Hooks All About Love that I really like. To  begin by always thinking of love as an action  

rather than a feeling is one way in which anyone  using the word in this manner, automatically  

assumes accountability and responsibility. We  are often taught we have no control over our  

feelings, yet most of us accept that we choose our  actions. That intention and will inform what we do.

We also accept that our actions have consequences. To think of actions shaping feelings is one way  

we rid ourselves of conventionally accepted  assumptions, such as that one simply falls in  

love without exercising will or choice, that  there are such things as "crimes of passion"

i.e., "he killed her because he loved her so much". If we  were constantly remembering that love is as love  

does, we would not use the word in a manner  that devalues and degrades its meaning.

I think that most importantly when you work on an  art, creating a wonderful result is what leaves you  

with fulfillment, right? For instance, by finishing  a beautiful painting, an artist bestows meaning  

upon their life because the painting, as a product  of the artist's efforts, reflects their incredible  

abilities back onto themselves. The artist realizes  that they are the reason why this canvas is so  

beautiful. Thus, love is to nurture the flourishing  of someone else and you recognize your own worth  

through their flourishing. If we treat love as  an active art rather than a thing, love is about  

giving rather than receiving. A lot of people think  that giving equals sacrifice and that's why it's  

so honorable to do it. But Fromm says that giving does not have to require us sacrificing anything .

When done for the sake of giving, and not some  other goal, giving is actually the best way  

to combat our existential loneliness. When  you give you experience your own strength,  

energy, and aliveness. This is true when you  give anything such as giving money or giving  

food to your children. But this is especially  true in giving love because when you give  

love, you give all the things that make up you. Your interests, your emotions, your passions your  

knowledge... quote "he enhances the other's sense of  aliveness by enhancing his own sense of aliveness."

Sadly, in heterosexual relationships I still think  this idea of the man being the giver and the  

woman being the receiver is present, and a lot of  women happily endorse this idea because it's nice  

and easy to be the receiver. My man should ask me  to be his Valentine. He should be giving me flowers.

My man should be doing this and that for me. I see  this sentiment get worse because of social media,  

portraying perfect images of people's boyfriends. You know, the ones where a girl shows off all the  

sweet things her boyfriend does for her and the  comments are filled with stuff like "my standards  

just got higher" "why doesn't my boyfriend do this for me" "if he wanted to he would" Again, the dominant  

narrative here is that love equals being loved, which equals getting stuff. Of course, it feels  

nice to receive things and it's important to have  a lover that gives things as symbols of love. But  

ladies, basing love on what you receive makes love  a passive commodity. You gotta focus on love as an  

action and give back. And giving love is not about  giving material objects, it's about giving you as  

a person. Sharing your thoughts, your humor, your  joy, and your sadness. That's what giving love is.

One of the most loving couples i've come across  are Hannah and Shane. They talk about how so many  

people pity Hannah as some poor sacrificial  giver because they think she just gives without  

receiving things we typically associate with love  back such as traditional forms of pleasure. "One  

time a woman who, uh, asked if I was shane's cousin. And he said no this is my girlfriend. And she  

like, came up to me and took my  hands began to cry. And was like, that  

that's the most beautiful thing I've ever  heard, like, you're an angel. Which was super  

uncomfortable, because that insinuates that I'm an  angel because Shane is a terrible choice.

People wonder why Hannah, who has high social value as a  pretty woman would partake in this unfair exchange.

It goes back to this dominant idea of love  being finding the best bargain on the market. But  

Shane and Hannah don't care about this  dominant conception of love. They love  

each other because they give their personhood  to each other and they love the person they each  

are without primarily focused on what's in it for  them. At this point, maybe you're like "Okay Oivia,

good job on becoming the most idealistic lover  girl with zero connection to reality! As romantic

as giving for the sake of giving sounds, without  care about receiving material gifts, we all want  

to feel loved. Doing the loving is so much effort  and I'm too insecure to not crave being loved! Plus  

you can't just erase the value that material  gifts have in our capitalist culture." And to  

all that, I say, you are right. You are a hundred  percent right, you got me, which is why proper  

loving is counter culture. It's near impossible  because it's so opposed to how current culture  

is. How can I focus on giving when I'm  surrounded by people on social media  

showing off what they receive? When our culture  is so based on consumerism, on who has what, and  

obviously I'm going to be obsessed with increasing  my social value when that's how I'm constantly  

judged... How can I dedicate that much time  to practicing love as in art when society  

tells me there are other important things to do? Like having a good career? I need to  

spend time on school and work so I only have  time to practice love on a select number of  

people. And for all these reasons that's why  I say our conception of love is messed up.

According to Jean Baudrillard, we interact  more with what he calls hyper reality than  

reality itself. To explain what hyperreality  is, I think it's best to just dive into one  

of Baudrillard's examples. Consider the movie  "Apocalypse Now", a film about the Vietnam War.

The acting, the special effects, the sets, the  editing, everything about the film is made so  

that when we watch it on our screen it feels as  real as possible. Heck, it becomes more real than  

the real war. Most of our understanding of the real  Vietnam War comes from brief video clips online,  

some news articles documenting the big highlights. Maybe a speech from some politician. But we have no  

real experience of the real Vietnam War. And the  little bits and pieces we get from the news is  

an extremely watered-down version of the war. They  tell us how many people died, shows short clips of  

soldiers fighting, and innocent residents harmed.  But what about the thousands of stories that go  

unheard? The film "Apocalypse Now" ends up actually  feeling more real than the real war. When people  

talk about the Vietnam War, they picture scenes  from the movie rather than the actual war. The  

media that was originally an imitation of reality  ends up being more real, thus hyperreal. The hyperreal

was originally a copy of something real. But then we start to interact with the hyperreal

more than reality, and so new forms of media  end up imitating hyperreality rather than reality.

It becomes a loop of copies, copying copies,  copying copies, until our lives are looking  

at copies of copies of copies. I believe Stephen  West from Philosophize This! gave an example of  

how TV shows originally drew inspiration from real  people in real lives, but over time new TV shows  

became inspired by past TV shows. Creating shows  that are now completely detached from reality.

For instance, How I met your mother or Friends,  comes out and we in real life start to frame what  

happens to us in relation to these TV shows. We  create character tropes all the time, that we then  

form our real relationships around. Such as people  saying, "I want to be just like Lily and Marshall or  

Monica and Chandler." We see people have magical  love at first sight moments on screen and then  

build expectations of having the same magical  feeling in real life. "I would be forever wed..."  

The imaginary dictates reality. These expectations  and tropes constrain us in thinking love needs to  

be a certain way, or that if we start off as  the hyper girlfriend, calm boyfriend trope we  

need to maintain that trope. But the thing is,  these expectations and tropes are not based in  

reality. Now how does everything we've talked about  apply to common phrases online? Let's start with  

"if he wanted to he would". Two things about this  mindset bother me. One, it builds the expectation  

that our partners, specifically men, should know  what to do and know what we want without us  

communicating it. Two, as many people have pointed  out it's literally contradictory. Girls say "if he  

wanted to he would" and so they don't tell their  man what they want because he should just do  

it if he wants to, but then if guys had the same  mindset then they would not make the first move  

either because they're thinking "if she wanted  to, she would." And so no one would do anything.

Also, sometimes people want to do things but are  not sure if they should are scared, anxious, shy

or maybe they value your input. Which I really  hope they do. Communication is so, so important.  

If you truly love someone, you would not base your  partner's worth on whether they give you exactly  

what you want. You would care about how much  you're giving them and whether you're both having  

a reciprocal relationship. Before Valentine's  Day, I saw quite a few TikToks talking about  

how women in heterosexual relationships should  wait to see if their man does something romantic  

for them without saying anything, or if you do say  something you should only mention it once. If your  

man doesn't do anything or forgets that thing you  had said once, it's a sign to end the relationship.

"And they know that it's important to you,  you would only have had to say it once, right?

Because if they loved you they would remember  things that were important to you and it would be  

important to them too. Move in silence on  Valentine's Day. Don't say anything. Hide the gift  

you're getting them, hide the things that you're  doing for them, not in a manipulative way. Just wait. 

If you walk away from that day disappointed, feeling unappreciated, feeling alone, feeling like  

they're right. it's just a day. It's commercialized. It doesn't mean anything. They show me they  

love me every day, so it doesn't really  matter. And I do care about them and I do...

Stop, okay." The thing that bugged me the most is  that these TikToks would say, even if he shows  

you that he loves you every other day, if he misses  the mark on this one commercialized, arbitrary day,  

then sorry he clearly doesn't love you. There is  so much concern around what can my man do for me, 

can he meet my standards, that this one day can  determine the trajectory of the rest of your  

relationship? I know it's different for everyone,  maybe your boyfriend has amazing memory and grew  

up in a loving environment. But for my boyfriend and I, we both have a lot going on in our lives  

And so it's unreasonable to expect us to remember  something someone said once. Just because I forget  

that he wanted a poke bowl today for dinner, does not mean he's not important to me. My  

boyfriend also grew up in a household without much  celebratory spirit. He didn't receive gifts for  

his Birthday, for Christmas. Him and his friends  never even exchange gifts on special occasions  

and so is it really fair for me to judge his  love based on what he gives me if he has never  

been taught to give material gifts? Even as I'm  saying this i understand how hard it can be to  

not let these little things affect you. We are  surrounded by people who post picture perfect  

moments of their relationship and it constantly  makes us fixate on how good the love we receive is.  

We are convinced that we should never settle, that  there is some person out there who will give us a  

love as perfect as the ones we see in films and  TV shows. I experience this sometimes too, um, okay  

that was a lie. I actually experience this all the  time. One of my greatest fears is not being loved,

so honestly this whole video is almost like  a lecture to myself. I've definitely got a lot  

to work on in the realm of love, so please don't  think I feel superior to everyone because Iam not  

but that's why it's important to have a good  level of self-love. So that you can squash  

paranoid worries about not being loved enough and  judge your relationship with a more clear head. And  

remember that these movies are not real, they are  hyperreal. The love on your TV screen looks more  

perfect and more real than reality, so it makes  you crave that hyperreality. But it is a mere copy.

"Red flags" is another term that has gained immense  popularity. I think it is absolutely important to  

watch out for red flags in a relationship but  this term has gotten overused. People watch a  

15 second clip online and suddenly everyone's  got a psychology degree. Here's how author Kim  

Baker defined red flags. Red flags are whispers  from our intuition that something isn't quite  

right. A red flag is that sinking feeling we get in  our stomachs when something bad happens. There are  

slivers of evidence usually showing up early on,  that this relationship is not the right one for us.

A red flag warns that deal breakers are headed our  way. Now I want to place emphasis on deal breakers,

something that we absolutely cannot tolerate or is  too much effort to fix. Conversely, not knowing how  

to cook or having a perm is not a red flag. That's  just called "not your preference". Don't let random  

strangers who know nothing about your relationship  control you and tell you what is a red flag. I hope  

we all dedicate more time to thinking about how  to love others, how to build self-love, and avoid  

letting hyperreal displays of love mislead us. You can like and sub, if you want. Leave a comment  

if you want. Thank you so much for watching, let's  keep talking and I hope to hear from you soon. Bye!!

Captions by Julia M.