The secret of a successful relationship: get your needs met elsewhere

Summary

Dr. Orion terban explores the secret to successful relationships in this insightful talk. He shares a pivotal conversation that shifted his perspective on dating, emphasizing focusing on core needs that can only be met in a sexual relationship with a woman, such as sex, physical attraction, and femininity. He advises men to satisfy other needs elsewhere, simplifying their expectations and fostering sustainable relationships. This approach, he argues, leads to less disappointment and a more realistic view of modern relationships.

Takeaways

• 😀 The secret to a successful relationship is to focus on the needs and wants that can only be met within a romantic context, and not to expect a partner to fulfill all of one's social and emotional needs.
• 🤔 Dr. Orion terban learned this secret from a mentor who challenged his expectations of finding a woman who shared all his interests and passions.
• 📝 Dr. terban's mentor suggested that he should seek companionship for intellectual discussions like quantum mechanics elsewhere, and not solely rely on a romantic partner for such conversations.
• 💡 After this conversation, Dr. terban reevaluated his approach to dating and decided to only bring to a romantic relationship those needs that couldn't be met elsewhere.
• 🛑 He identified four key criteria for a romantic partner: sex, physical attraction, femininity, and being inoffensive, which means not creating unnecessary problems or issues.
• 🚫 The fourth criterion of 'inoffensiveness' is crucial for long-term relationships, as it prevents the creation of problems that could detract from the benefits of the other criteria.
• 💌 Dr. terban emphasizes that being inoffensive is more than just not being disrespectful; it involves not being rude, withholding, unstable, envious, judgmental, or complaining.
• 📚 He encourages men to examine their own needs and wants and to consider which of them can be uniquely satisfied in sexual relationships with women.
• 🔄 The advice is to meet other needs and wants in different types of relationships, as it is often easier, cheaper, and more enjoyable to do so.
• 🌐 This approach simplifies relationships and helps focus on what they are truly about, making them more sustainable and less prone to disappointment.
• 📖 Dr. terban's book, 'The Value of Others,' delves deeper into his economic model of relationships and provides actionable advice on getting and keeping more of what one wants in the sexual marketplace.

Q & A

What is the main topic discussed by Dr. Orion terban in the video?

The main topic discussed by Dr. Orion terban is the secret to a successful relationship.

What was Dr. Orion terban's initial complaint about the dating market?

Dr. Orion terban initially complained about the lack of satisfactory women in the dating market who could meet his intellectual and personal interests.

What advice did Dr. Orion terban's mentor give him regarding his expectations from a romantic partner?

The mentor advised Dr. Orion terban to find someone knowledgeable about his interests like quantum mechanics for those specific discussions, rather than expecting a woman to fulfill all his intellectual needs.

What was the significant realization Dr. Orion terban had after his mentor's advice?

Dr. Orion terban realized that he could satisfy many of his needs outside of a romantic relationship and should focus on what he uniquely wanted from a woman in a sexual relationship.

What is the 'economic model of relationships' mentioned by Dr. Orion terban?

The 'economic model of relationships' is a concept Dr. Orion terban explores in his book, which presumably involves analyzing relationships in terms of value exchange and behaviors of both men and women in the dating scene.

What are the three main criteria Dr. Orion terban decided to focus on in a sexual relationship with a woman?

The three main criteria are sex, physical attractiveness, and femininity.

How does Dr. Orion terban define 'femininity' in the context of his relationship criteria?

In the context of his relationship criteria, 'femininity' refers to the softness and sweetness particular to women in intimate relationships.

What is the fourth criterion that Dr. Orion terban added to his list after experiencing issues with past relationships?

The fourth criterion is 'inoffensiveness,' meaning the woman should not create additional problems that detract from the benefits of the other three criteria.

What does Dr. Orion terban suggest as a way to simplify and improve the quality of romantic relationships?

He suggests simplifying relationships by focusing on a few non-negotiable criteria and meeting other needs and wants in different types of relationships.

How does Dr. Orion terban relate modern relationship expectations to historical societal structures?

He relates modern relationship expectations to the historical societal structures by pointing out that in the past, people had meaningful relationships with many individuals within extended kin networks and small communities, and thus had fewer expectations for their marriages.

What is the title of the book Dr. Orion terban recommends for further insights on relationships?

The title of the book is 'The Value of Others.'

What are the formats in which Dr. Orion terban's book 'The Value of Others' is available?

The book 'The Value of Others' is available in ebook, audiobook, and paperback formats.

What is the final piece of advice Dr. Orion terban gives to men regarding their expectations from women in relationships?

The final piece of advice is for men to examine their own needs and wants and to consider which of them can be uniquely satisfied in sexual relationships with women, and to meet other needs elsewhere for a more sustainable relationship.

Outlines

00:00

💡 The Secret to a Successful Relationship

Dr. Orion terban introduces the topic of the secret to a successful relationship, which he learned 15 years ago from a mentor. The mentor challenged Dr. terban's expectations of finding a woman who shared all his interests, such as quantum mechanics and Shakespearean literature. The mentor suggested that Dr. terban should seek companionship for these interests elsewhere, not expecting a romantic partner to fulfill all his needs. This revelation led Dr. terban to reassess his approach to dating, focusing on identifying which needs could only be met within a romantic relationship and which could be met elsewhere. He concluded that by narrowing down his expectations to a few core needs, he could simplify his dating criteria and have more satisfying relationships with a variety of women.

05:01

🌟 Prioritizing Core Needs in Romantic Relationships

Dr. Orion terban discusses the criteria he established for a successful romantic relationship, emphasizing that sex, physical attraction, and femininity are the primary needs he seeks from a female partner. He explains that these needs are unique to sexual relationships and cannot be met elsewhere. However, he also acknowledges the importance of a partner being 'inoffensive,' meaning she does not create additional problems that detract from the satisfaction of the first three criteria. Dr. terban suggests that by focusing on these core needs and ensuring they are met without unnecessary complications, one can achieve long-term, satisfying relationships. He also mentions his book, 'The Value of Others,' which delves deeper into his economic model of relationships and offers actionable advice.

10:04

🌱 Lessons from History: Simplified Expectations in Relationships

In the final paragraph, Dr. Orion terban reflects on the historical context of human relationships, noting that in the past, people lived in extended kin networks and small communities where they had meaningful relationships with many individuals. He suggests that modern expectations for romantic partners to fulfill all needs are unrealistic and compares them to expecting one person to be an entire village. Dr. terban proposes that by reducing the expectations placed on romantic relationships, we can make them more sustainable and align with the way intersexual relationships have functioned for most of human history. He invites listeners to share their thoughts and experiences in the comments and encourages them to spread the message by sharing the episode with others.

Keywords

💡Successful Relationship

A successful relationship, as discussed in the video, is one that meets the individual's needs and wants in a way that is mutually satisfying and enduring. It is the central theme of the video, with the speaker sharing insights on how to achieve such a relationship by focusing on essential criteria and eliminating unnecessary expectations.

💡Quantum Mechanics

Quantum mechanics is a fundamental theory in physics that the speaker uses as an example of a specific interest he was seeking in a partner. It illustrates the speaker's initial desire for a partner who shares his intellectual passions, which was later challenged by his mentor's advice.

💡Authentic Interests

Authentic interests refer to the genuine passions and pursuits that a person deeply cares about. In the context of the video, the speaker initially sought a partner who shared his authentic interests, such as reading Shakespearean literature and enjoying wilderness backpacking, before realizing that these interests could be fulfilled outside of a romantic relationship.

💡Mentor

A mentor in the video serves as a guide or advisor, providing the speaker with a pivotal perspective on relationships. The mentor's advice helped the speaker to reassess his approach to dating and to focus on the unique aspects of a romantic partnership.

💡Sexual Relationship

A sexual relationship is a type of romantic relationship that involves a physical and intimate connection. The video emphasizes that the speaker decided to prioritize needs that could only be met within this context, such as sex and physical attraction, simplifying his criteria for choosing a partner.

💡Inoffensive

In the video, being 'inoffensive' is described as a quality that prevents a person from creating unnecessary problems or detracting from the benefits of a relationship. It is one of the final criteria the speaker uses to determine a long-term partner, highlighting the importance of peace and stability in a relationship.

💡Femininity

Femininity, in the context of the video, refers to the soft, nurturing qualities traditionally associated with women. The speaker identifies femininity as one of the unique attributes he seeks in a romantic partner, which he believes is best expressed in an intimate relationship.

💡Disrespect

Disrespect is portrayed as a deal-breaker in long-term relationships within the video. It is mentioned as an unbreakable rule that one should never disrespect a potential long-term partner, emphasizing the importance of mutual respect in maintaining a healthy relationship.

💡Value of Others

The speaker refers to his book 'The Value of Others,' which delves deeper into his economic model of relationships. This book is an extension of the insights shared in the video, offering actionable advice on improving one's relationships and understanding the dynamics between men and women.

💡Sexual Marketplace

The term 'sexual marketplace' is used in the video to describe the social context in which individuals seek and establish romantic or sexual relationships. It is part of the speaker's broader discussion on how to navigate relationships effectively and get what one wants from them.

💡Extended Kin Networks

Extended kin networks refer to the larger family structures that were more common in human history, where people had meaningful relationships with many individuals beyond their immediate family. The video suggests that modern expectations for romantic partners to fulfill all social needs may be unrealistic, drawing a parallel to these historical networks.

Highlights

The secret to a successful relationship is discussed, which was inspired by a conversation with a mentor 15 years ago.

Dr. Orion terban initially sought a partner with shared intellectual and personal interests, such as quantum mechanics and Shakespearean literature.

The mentor challenged the idea of needing a romantic partner for intellectual discussions, suggesting finding like-minded individuals of the same gender for such topics.

A new approach to dating was inspired, focusing on identifying needs that could only be met within a romantic relationship.

Dr. terban suggests that most needs can be met in various types of relationships, not just romantic ones.

The concept of 'inoffensiveness' is introduced as a key criterion for a long-term relationship, meaning the partner should not create unnecessary problems.

The importance of sex, physical attraction, and femininity as non-negotiable criteria in a romantic relationship is emphasized.

Dr. terban's personal criteria for a relationship are outlined, including sex, physical attraction, femininity, and being inoffensive.

The idea that relationships should be simplified by focusing on a few core needs is presented.

The book 'The Value of Others' is mentioned, which delves deeper into Dr. terban's economic model of relationships.

The advice to meet as many needs as possible outside of romantic relationships to simplify and focus on the relationship's purpose is given.

The historical context of relationships in extended kin networks and small communities is discussed, suggesting modern relationships have unrealistic expectations.

The notion that expecting less from romantic partners can lead to more sustainable relationships is explored.

The importance of not disrespecting a romantic partner as an unbreakable rule is highlighted.

The transcript concludes with an invitation for listeners to share their thoughts and experiences in the comments.

A call to action for listeners to subscribe to Dr. terban's newsletter or book a consultation is made.

Transcripts

I'm Dr Orion terban and this is psyx

Better Living Through psychology and the

topic of today's short talk is the

secret to a successful

relationship this is something that I

learned about 15 years ago the secret

that I'm about to reveal was actually

sparked by a conversation I had with a

mentor of mine and I'd like to begin

this episode by sharing that anecdote

with you so here I was in my mid-20s and

I was complaining to this mentor of mine

about the apparent lack of satisfactory

women in the dating Market basically I

was looking for a partner and I was

having trouble finding women who could

meet me at my level or at the very least

who could engage me in the sort of

things in which I was authentically

interested and after all wasn't that the

point of a

relationship I remember telling this man

that I wanted a woman who I could talk

to about quantum mechanics and who read

Shakespearean literature and who enjoyed

Wilderness backpacking and who was

interested in Enlightenment in spiritual

discipline

I mean these were the things that I

liked so why should I settle for

anything less unfortunately I found that

it was very rare to find a woman I was

attracted to who was interested in even

one of these things let alone several of

them and after allowing me to vent my

spleen for a while this Mentor looked at

me and I'll never forget what he said he

said

Orion why the would you want to

talk to a woman about quantum

mechanics and this phraseology of course

was very helpful in that it shocked me

out of my pre-existing mindset and left

me open to hearing his explanation which

was basically this look if you want to

talk about quantum mechanics that's your

right I suppose but find a guy to do

that with you don't need a woman to talk

about quantum mechanics you need

somebody who's knowledgeable about

quantum mechanics which could be a woman

but doesn't have to be a woman you

understand you're free to do what you

want Orion but you should take care

about about what you go about wanting

from a

woman and after hearing this explanation

it was like a light bulb went off above

my head and it inspired me to reexamine

my approach to dating from a very

different angle and the angle was this I

listed out all the things that up until

that time I had wanted to get from a

romantic relationship things like

someone who is my best friend or who

shared my intellectual passions or who

held similar interests or who res at

with my core values Etc I listed out all

of the things and I asked of each of

these things one question namely could

this need be satisfied in the context of

any other relationship on the planet

outside of a sexual relationship with a

woman and in the vast majority of cases

the answer to that question was yes yes

this particular need could be satisfied

in a different kind of relationship ship

this could have been a professional

relationship among colleagues or a

familial relationship with relatives or

a friendship with male buddies or an

acquaint ship with activity Partners or

even a moment of connection with a

fellow human being it could have been

any of these things and I made a

decision right then and there that

moving forward if I could get a

particular social or emotional need met

outside of a sexual relationship with a

woman then I would get that social or

emotional need met elsewhere and as a

result I would only bring to a woman

with whom I was interested in having a

sexual relationship the needs and wants

that I either could not or would not get

satisfied in any other relationship I

could possibly have with any other

person on the

planet as you might expect this

dramatically simplified what I was

looking for in a woman from literally

dozens and dozens of things to just

three or four things and this one

intervention possibly more than anything

else in my life has not only

significantly improved my hit rate in

meeting satisfactory women but has

allowed me to have satisfying

relationships with radically different

kinds of women as well these things are

set in stone and completely

non-negotiable but anything outside of

these

criteria is completely up for grabs this

allows me to consider the broadest

possible subset of women who still meet

the minimum necessary criteria for a

relationship if you appreciate the

insights on this channel I would highly

encourage you to get your hands on a

copy of my book the value of others over

the course of 432 pages I delve deep

into my economic model of relationships

and explain the behavior of both men and

women in the game of mating IND

I also provide a lot of actionable

advice on how to get and keep more of

what you want in the sexual Marketplace

once you read the value of others you'll

never look at relationships the same way

again now available in ebook audiobook

and paperback formats the links are in

the

description all right so what were those

few things I'm so glad you asked first

and foremost as might be expected was

sex as a heterosexual man sex was the

number one thing that I could get from a

female romantic partner that I couldn't

get anywhere else just as I prioritized

earnings in my professional

relationships as these were the only

relationships in which I received income

I began to prioritize sex in my sexual

relationships as these were the only

relationships in which I could receive

that good in this Segway into need

number two she needed to be sufficiently

physically attractive to me to both

consistently desire sex from her

otherwise what was the point of the

first Criterion and to prevent the

feeling that I could have done better

basically I needed to be able to walk

into the vast majority of rooms without

feeling that I would rather have some

other woman on my arm and this is

because I knew that I wouldn't be able

to stay in the relationship long term

if that wasn't the case sometimes you

have to be real with yourself even if

your reality isn't particularly socially

flattering the third Criterion was

femininity that sweet softness that is

particular to women with whom you're in

an intimate relationship as it would be

inappropriate for even that same woman

to really lean into that dimension of

herself in say a purely professional or

platonic relationship ship outside of

escorts which I had made a decision not

to use I reasoned that these three needs

could not be satisfied outside of a

sexual relationship with a

woman however my experience with dating

women had taught me that these three

criteria were not enough I had dated

several very sexual attractive and

feminine women who absolutely destroyed

my peace of mind and quality quity of

life so the fourth and final Criterion

was that she be inoffensive meaning that

the woman didn't create any additional

problems that would detract from the

benefit that I would acrew from the

satisfaction of the other three

criteria women inoffensiveness is the

key to being selected for a long-term

relationship with men when I look over

my life the women with whom I've had the

longest most satisfying relationships

were not particularly impressive or

superlative they weren't the hottest

women I had dated or the cleverest or

the most accomplished they were the

least offensive it might sound weird to

say but we stayed together because there

was never any reason not to that is they

satisfied the first three criteria

without creating any unnecessary issues

that would have invalidated the

fourth as I've previously mentioned you

absolutely must never disrespect the man

with whom you'd like to have a long-term

relationship disrespect is the

unbreakable rule but being in offensive

means more than just not being

disrespectful it means not being rude or

withholding or unstable or envious or

judgmental or complaining etc etc like

no matter how hard no matter how hot you

are and how sweet you act and how good

you these behaviors cancel out so

many of the other benefits that you may

actually be providing as I've said

before for a woman to love well she must

first clarify her love by removing all

the other things that aren't love that

are subject to getting mixed up with her

expression of love the fact of the

matter is that in order to keep a man a

woman needn't be good but she absolutely

can't be

bad in any case this was just the

product of my own examination you men

out there can examine your own needs and

wants and consider which of them can be

uniquely satisfied in sexual

relationships with women irrespective of

the details the advice is the same do

what you can to get those needs and

wants met in any other relationship that

could possibly do so this is because it

will almost certainly be easier cheaper

and more enjoyable to get those needs

and wants met

elsewhere doing so radically simplifies

your relationships and helps you focus

on what your relationships are really

about it also comes with the added

benefit that if you only want a few

things from women it's going to be much

harder for women to disappoint you I

appreciate that it can sound bad to

expect less of women but I do think this

helps make relationships more

sustainable and I think it does this by

approximating the way that intersexual

relationships including marriages have

existed for thousands of years for most

of human history people had existed in

extended kin networks and lived in small

tribes or Villages people had meaningful

relationships with scores of people

however with the Advent of the nuclear

family and the dissolution of

communities we often expect our romantic

Partners to be an entire Village which

just isn't possible people used to get

more of their needs met elsewhere so

there were fewer expectations for their

marriages maybe we modern folks can take

a page from our Collective

histories what do you think does this

fit with your own experience let me know

in the comments below and please send

this episode to someone who might

benefit from its message because it's

Word of Mouth referrals like this that

really help to make the channel grow and

anyone looking to join my free Weekly

Newsletter or book a paid consultation

can do so on my website

links in the description as always I

appreciate your support and thank you

for listening