The Likability Dilemma for Women Leaders | Robin Hauser | TED

Summary

The speaker, a middle child with an intense drive to compete and prove herself, discusses the 'competence/likability dilemma' faced by women. She explores how societal norms and unconscious biases often perceive assertive women as unlikable, contrasting with the qualities valued in leadership. Through personal anecdotes and research, she highlights the subtle sexism in modern society and urges for a redefinition of leadership that includes both genders without bias, advocating for women to focus on being effective leaders rather than seeking likability.

Takeaways

• 😤 The speaker, being a middle child, has always felt the need to compete and prove herself, yet struggles with societal expectations of femininity and likability.
• 🏋️‍♀️ The speaker describes her personality as intense and high-octane, traits that are often perceived negatively in women, leading to a constant battle to balance assertiveness with likability.
• 🤔 The script highlights the 'competence/likability dilemma' faced by women, where they are rarely seen as both competent and likable, unlike their male counterparts.
• 📚 A study by Professor Flynn at Columbia Business School demonstrated that changing a successful businesswoman's name to a man's did not affect perceptions of competence but did affect likability.
• 🚫 The societal bias against strong women is rooted in gender stereotypes that favor men as leaders and women as supportive and deferential.
• 🎥 As a documentary filmmaker, the speaker's curiosity is often met with dismissal, reflecting the undervaluation of inquisitiveness in women.
• 🤝 The unconscious bias against women in leadership roles is deeply ingrained and affects how they are perceived and treated, even when they outperform their male counterparts.
• 💼 The script points out that women are less likely to contribute in mixed-gender meetings, which can limit their visibility and recognition in professional settings.
• 💰 Women face a backlash when negotiating for themselves but perform better when negotiating on behalf of others, reflecting the perception of self-interest versus helpfulness.
• 🤔 The speaker encourages questioning snap judgments and biases, and to redefine the concept of leadership to include traditionally feminine traits.
• 🌟 The call to action is for women to focus on being effective leaders rather than seeking likability, which can help to redefine societal expectations of female leadership.

Q & A

What is the speaker's personal struggle with her competitive nature?

The speaker struggles with her intense desire to compete and prove herself, which is often perceived as aggressive and not easily contained by others. She tries to control her eagerness and be softer, but finds it exhausting.

How does the speaker describe the societal perception of her masculine traits?

The speaker describes that her masculine traits allow her to fit in with men, but not when she is in a position of authority over them. This reflects the societal bias where women with strong, assertive traits are not always seen as likable.

What incident at the ski resort made the speaker question gender perceptions?

The incident where a man assumed she was not interested in purchasing a timeshare because she was a woman made the speaker question why women are perceived differently when they assert themselves.

What is the 'competence/likability dilemma' as mentioned in the script?

The 'competence/likability dilemma' refers to the societal phenomenon where women are rarely perceived to be both competent and likable, unlike men, indicating a bias against women who display strong leadership qualities.

What experiment did Professor Flynn conduct to demonstrate the competence/likability dilemma?

Professor Flynn changed the name of a successful female venture capitalist, Heidi Roizen, to Howard Roizen in a case study and found that while both were rated equally competent, students were less likable towards Heidi due to her assertive behavior.

Why do societal gender norms create a dilemma for women in leadership roles?

Societal gender norms expect women to be kind, nurturing, and deferential, while leadership qualities such as assertiveness and decisiveness are traditionally associated with men, creating a conflict for women who want to be both likable and successful leaders.

What is the speaker's experience at a cocktail party that highlights gender bias?

At a cocktail party, the speaker's curiosity was met with the response 'it's complicated' when she inquired about a man's work in fintech, suggesting a bias that women wouldn't understand finance.

What is the unconscious bias and why is it problematic?

Unconscious bias is a survival heuristic inherited from our ancestors that influences our judgments without our awareness. It's problematic because it leads to unfair treatment and perceptions of individuals, such as finding strong women less likable.

How does the competence/likability dilemma affect women in politics?

The competence/likability dilemma affects women in politics by causing them to be judged more harshly and to suffer from a lack of likability when they display leadership traits, which can impact their election outcomes.

What is the difference in how women are perceived when negotiating for themselves versus for others?

Women are perceived as selfish when negotiating for themselves, which can negatively affect their likability, whereas when they negotiate on behalf of others, they are seen as helpful, which is more likable but may not be recognized as leadership material.

What advice does the speaker give to women to navigate the competence/likability dilemma?

The speaker advises women to focus on being awesome by being smart, compassionate, and effective leaders, which can help redefine the stereotype of what a female leader is, and to disregard the pressure to be likable in favor of being competent.

What steps does the speaker suggest to address unconscious bias and gender stereotypes?

The speaker suggests disrupting stereotypes, redefining leadership and femininity, speaking up against gender bias, questioning snap judgments, and focusing on competence rather than likability to address unconscious bias and gender stereotypes.

Outlines

00:00

🤔 The Competence/Likability Dilemma for Women

The speaker, a middle child with a strong desire to compete and accomplish, discusses her personal experiences with sexism and how it has evolved to be more subtle yet impactful. She highlights the 'competence/likability dilemma' where women are rarely seen as both competent and likable, contrasting with societal expectations for men. Through an experiment by Professor Flynn, it's shown that even when women are perceived as equally competent, they are less liked and less desirable as leaders. The speaker calls for a reevaluation of gender norms and leadership qualities, urging society to redefine what it means to be a leader and a woman.

05:04

🚫 Unconscious Bias and the Impact on Women's Leadership

This paragraph delves into the unconscious bias that affects perceptions of strong women, attributing it to a survival heuristic from our ancestors. The speaker acknowledges her own biases and points out that society tends to judge female leaders more harshly, even when they excel. She emphasizes the consequences of the competence/likability dilemma in various sectors, including politics and the workplace, where women are less likely to contribute in mixed-gender meetings. The speaker suggests that to mitigate biases, society needs to disrupt stereotypes and redefine leadership. She encourages women to focus on being effective leaders rather than seeking likability, and she expresses hope for a future where competence and likability are not mutually exclusive for women.

Keywords

💡Middle child

The term 'middle child' refers to a child in a family who is not the eldest or the youngest. In the context of the video, it's used to introduce the speaker's competitive nature, which she suggests may be influenced by her position in the family. The speaker implies that being a middle child has instilled in her a drive to stand out and prove herself, which is a central theme of her narrative.

💡Compete

To 'compete' means to strive to gain or win something by defeating or establishing superiority over others. In the video, the speaker's desire to compete is a reflection of her ambition and drive, which are key aspects of her personality and are central to the challenges she faces as a woman in a competitive environment.

💡Assertiveness

Assertiveness is the ability to make known one's needs, opinions, and rights in a direct, honest, and appropriate way. The speaker discusses how her assertiveness is perceived negatively, contrasting with the societal expectations of women to be more passive. This concept is crucial to understanding the gender bias and the 'competence/likability dilemma' she explores.

💡Sexism

Sexism refers to prejudice, stereotyping, or discrimination based on a person's sex, typically against women. The video addresses modern-day sexism, which can be subtle and nuanced, yet impactful. The speaker's encounter at the ski resort exemplifies this, highlighting how sexism can manifest in everyday interactions.

💡Competence/Likability Dilemma

The 'competence/likability dilemma' is a concept where women are rarely seen as both competent and likable, unlike men. This term is central to the video's theme, illustrating the societal bias that women face when they display leadership qualities that challenge traditional gender norms.

💡Stereotypes

Stereotypes are widely held but fixed and oversimplified ideas or image of a particular type of person or thing. In the video, the speaker discusses gender stereotypes that affect how women are perceived in leadership roles, emphasizing the need to redefine these stereotypes to achieve gender equality.

💡Unconscious Bias

Unconscious bias refers to a bias that we are not aware we possess, and which affects our attitude and behavior without our realization. The speaker explains that unconscious bias is at the root of the difficulty in finding strong women likable, and it is a key concept in understanding the barriers women face in professional settings.

💡Leadership

Leadership is the action of leading a group of people or an organization. The video discusses the association of leadership with traditionally masculine traits and the challenges women face in being recognized as leaders due to societal expectations and biases.

💡Negotiation

Negotiation is a process where involved parties discuss and resolve issues in order to reach an agreement. The speaker mentions a study about women's abilities in self-negotiation, which is perceived negatively, contrasting with the positive perception when women negotiate on behalf of others, thus highlighting the double standards women face.

💡Likability

Likability refers to the quality of being pleasant or attractive, often in a way that makes others feel favorably towards you. The video emphasizes the societal pressure on women to be likable, which can conflict with the assertiveness required for leadership, and the negative impact this has on women's professional advancement.

💡Redefine

To 'redefine' means to establish a new definition or meaning for something. In the video, the speaker calls for a redefinition of what it means to be a leader and a woman, suggesting that challenging and changing societal norms is necessary to overcome the competence/likability dilemma.

Highlights

The speaker, a middle child, describes her innate desire to compete and prove herself, despite societal labels.

The speaker's energy is described as 'intense' and 'aggressive', terms she doesn't find complimentary.

The struggle to balance assertiveness with societal expectations of being 'softer' is highlighted as exhausting.

The 'competence/likability dilemma' is introduced, where women are seldom seen as both competent and likable.

A study by Professor Flynn at Columbia Business School is mentioned, showing a bias against competent women.

The societal expectation that women should be nurturing and deferential, while men should be assertive and strong.

The speaker's experience at a cocktail party where her curiosity was met with dismissal due to gender bias.

Unconscious bias is discussed as a survival heuristic that affects our perceptions without our awareness.

The harsher judgment of female leaders, even when outperforming their male counterparts, is pointed out.

The underrepresentation of women in Congress, holding only 25 percent of the seats, is noted.

Studies show women are less likely to contribute in mixed-gender meetings due to the competence/likability dilemma.

The backlash women face when they negotiate for themselves, perceived as selfish, is discussed.

The speaker shares a personal anecdote of being underestimated in her profession due to her gender.

The limitations of human efforts to mitigate biases and the need for a long-term solution are acknowledged.

The call to action for disrupting stereotypes and redefining leadership and femininity is emphasized.

Encouragement for women to focus on being effective leaders rather than seeking likability is given.

The speaker expresses hope for a future where women are recognized for their unique contributions, regardless of gender.

The desire for a society that values competence and likability equally for all, without gender bias, is conveyed.

Transcripts

I’m a middle child, and I was born leaning in.

For as long as I can remember,

I've had this insatiable desire to compete, to accomplish

and to prove myself.

My energy isn’t easily contained,

and I've been called by both men and women

intense, high-octane,

aggressive.

These words don't feel like compliments to me.

I try to control my eagerness.

I try to be softer.

It's exhausting.

(Laughter)

The truth is, this tough shell conceals sensitivities and insecurities

that only those closest to me know.

And yeah, my masculine traits make me the kind of gal

that can hang with the guys,

as long as I'm not their boss.

Last winter, I was walking through a ski resort

and a man came up to me and said,

"Excuse me, are you with a husband or a fiancée?"

"No," I said, and I continued toward the lifts.

And then curiosity got the better of me.

And I turned around and asked the guy why he wanted to know if I was with a man.

"I'm selling timeshares. It's a real estate thing."

(Laughter)

"And you don't sell to women?"

"Oh, are you interested?"

"No."

(Laughter)

"But you do know women carry checkbooks, too?"

And at that, he looked at me and said, "Wow, lady, you're tough."

(Laughter)

Modern day sexism is different than it was in the past

when a blatant comment about a woman's physique

or a chummy pat on the derriere was tolerated, maybe even accepted.

Today's sexism can be more subtle.

Little nuances that might seem like no big deal to some,

but their impact can have the effect of a thousand cuts.

That day at the ski resort resulted in more than just another microabrasion.

It sparked a curiosity in me about perceptions that we have

for women versus men.

I wanted to know why do we perceive women differently when we assert ourselves.

So I did a little research and I came across something,

just to make sure this wasn't all on my mind,

called the competence/likability dilemma,

where women, unlike men,

are rarely perceived to be both competent and likable.

Now we should take a moment to define the word "likable."

Merriam-Webster says "likeable" is:

"having qualities that bring about a favorable regard,

pleasant or agreeable."

The Urban Dictionary says:

"likeable, an adjective meaning pleasant or attractive.

It describes something that is easy to like."

The sad truth is, most of us don't find strong, competent women easy to like.

In 2003, Professor Flynn at Columbia Business School

conducted an experiment.

He took a case study about Heidi Roizen,

a successful female venture capitalist,

and he changed the name to Howard Roizen.

Everything else about the case study remained the same.

He gave half of his class the Heidi Roizen case study

and the other half the Howard Roizen case study.

And he asked the students to rate

how competent and how likable Heidi and Howard were.

Both female and male students found Heidi and Howard to be equally competent.

But the students tended not to like Heidi.

They thought that she was a little too aggressive and out for herself.

Neither female nor male students wanted to work for or hire Heidi,

but they all thought Howard would make a great colleague.

Why?

Because in our society, women are penalized

when we behave in ways that violate gender norms.

Our gender stereotypes show that women should be kind, nurturing,

helpful, supportive, deferential,

while traditionally men are expected to be decisive, competent,

assertive and strong.

So the dilemma for women

is that the qualities which we value in leadership,

such as assertiveness and decisiveness,

go against societal norms of what it is to be a likable woman.

I'm a documentary filmmaker, so I'm nothing if not curious.

But I've learned that being inquisitive is not an admired female trait.

I was at a cocktail party last week,

and I asked a man what line of business he was in.

“Fintech,” he said.

Curious. I dug a little deeper.

"Oh, what type?"

"It's complicated."

(Laughter)

End of discussion.

OK. Now it's possible that he wanted to spare me some long explanation,

but it's more likely that his bias, implicit or not,

informed him that as a woman I wouldn't understand finance.

Either way, I'm fairly certain he wouldn't have said "it's complicated"

had I been a man.

I absorb the sting of one more cut.

Most of us are not aware of why we don't find strong women likable.

There's just something about her that bugs us.

But deep inside, at the root of this is an unconscious bias.

Bias is a survival heuristic that we inherited from our ancestors.

The problem is, it's unconscious.

And as humans, we don't have the ability to recognize when we're being biased,

even if we can see it in other people.

We all, most of us, anyway, believe ourselves to be fair,

open-minded and unbiased.

And yet, I will admit, I too found Hillary's voice to be shrill.

As long as society continues to associate leadership with masculine traits,

female leaders will be judged more harshly,

even when they outperform male counterparts.

So it's no wonder that in the United States,

female politicians suffer greatly,

as our elections tend to value likability over competency.

Women hold only 25 percent of the seats in Congress.

The competence/likability dilemma has huge consequences,

not just in politics,

but also in education and in the workplace,

where studies show that women in meetings with both genders

are less likely to contribute knowledge.

As women we're told to lean in,

and yet there's backlash when we do.

A recent study shows that women

are not as good as men at negotiating for themselves.

And yet, women outperform men

when they negotiate on behalf of someone else.

This is because women who negotiate for themselves

are perceived as selfish,

and women who negotiate on behalf of someone else

are perceived to be helpful.

And a helpful woman might be liked more than a woman who is assertive,

but the helpful woman will not be recognized

as having what it takes to be a successful leader.

Last week I was quoting my speaker fee to a potential client,

and when I told him the price, he said to me,

"Wow. Good for you. That's a lot.

Isn't documentary filmmaking kind of, like, your hobby?"

(Laughter)

Ouch.

As humans, we're limited to what we can do to mitigate our biases.

So even if we were able to, say, implement a tool

that would bring more women into upper management,

it's highly likely that we would still evaluate the performance of those women

with biased perceptions.

Clearly, leadership and likability should not be mutually exclusive

for women or for men.

So how do we solve for this dilemma?

I wish I could offer you a cure to unconscious bias.

I don't believe there is one.

But we need to disrupt stereotypes

and redefine what it is to be a leader and a woman.

Obviously, this is a long-term solution that could take generations,

but it's a vital step.

We need to speak up.

Speak up when you witness gender bias.

Question comments that are made

about a woman's appearance or personality rather than her skills or ability.

And we need to slow down.

Question yourself. Reconsider your snap judgments.

Ask yourself, does that woman bug me for reasons that really matter?

And forget about likability,

ladies, women, if you can.

Instead focus on being awesome.

Be a smart, compassionate, effective leader

that will redefine the stereotype of what a female leader is.

I've wasted a lot of time worrying about how I am perceived.

If I ask a lot of questions, will you find me combative?

If I tell you about an accomplishment I'm proud of,

you might think I'm conceited.

But I need and seek the approval and recognition

of my family, of my friends and of my colleagues.

Like many of you, I want to be liked,

and I'm hopeful for the day when women can be recognized

as being competent and likable,

a day when we value each other regardless of gender,

for the unique contributions that we each bring to the table.

That would be the day that I won't have to worry about being liked.

I can just be me.

Thank you.

(Applause)