Intro to ATTACHMENT TRIGGERS
Summary
TLDRIn this insightful video, licensed marriage and family therapist Taylor Chandler discusses the universal triggers of rejection and abandonment in relationships. She emphasizes that everyone experiences these fears, but the key lies in managing them effectively. Chandler explains that a secure foundation in a relationship can mitigate the impact of these triggers, and that secure individuals handle them through communication rather than resorting to emergency stops or control. She advocates for developing a sense of safety within the relationship to openly address and correct misperceptions, fostering a healthier dynamic.
Takeaways
- 🧩 Rejection and abandonment are common triggers for everyone, causing discomfort when feeling someone you're attached to might leave.
- 🔑 The way individuals manage these triggers when they occur is what differentiates their responses.
- 🌐 Rejection and abandonment signals can happen in any relationship, affecting even the most secure individuals.
- 📈 The severity of the impact from these signals depends on the security of the relationship foundation.
- 💡 A secure relationship foundation helps to mitigate the sense of rejection and abandonment.
- 🚫 Secure individuals do not typically use an 'emergency stop' button to manage triggers, instead opting for communication.
- 🤝 Communication is key for deescalation, rather than resorting to control or avoidance.
- 🚫 Emergency stops are unsustainable in the long term and are not a healthy strategy for relationship management.
- 💭 It's important to be able to be with the trigger and communicate through it to maintain a healthy relationship.
- 🔄 Developing a sense of safety in the relationship is crucial for being able to openly discuss and address triggers.
- 🔄 Taking responsibility for one's actions and their impact is part of creating a safe and communicative relationship environment.
Q & A
What is the main topic discussed in the video script?
-The main topic discussed in the video script is how to manage triggers related to rejection and abandonment in relationships, with a focus on attachment styles and communication.
Who is Taylor Chandler and what is her profession?
-Taylor Chandler is a licensed marriage and family therapist who helps individuals break negative relationship patterns and shift their attachment styles.
What are the common triggers in relationships that Taylor Chandler talks about?
-The common triggers in relationships discussed by Taylor Chandler are signals of rejection and abandonment, which can occur in any relationship and affect even the most secure individuals.
How does the level of security in a relationship affect the impact of rejection and abandonment signals?
-In a securely founded relationship, the impact of rejection and abandonment signals is mitigated, meaning that such signals do not hit as hard as they would in an insecure relationship where trust and safety are consistently lacking.
What is the difference in how a secure attachment style might react to triggers compared to an insecure one?
-A secure attachment style does not typically use an 'emergency stop' button as a strategy to manage triggers. Instead, they manage triggers through slow de-escalation with communication rather than control.
What is an example of an 'emergency stop' reaction in the context of relationship triggers?
-An example of an 'emergency stop' reaction could be completely cutting off communication or insisting on talking immediately when triggered, which is not a sustainable strategy for a relationship.
Why are 'emergency stops' not sustainable in relationships according to Taylor Chandler?
-'Emergency stops' are not sustainable because they might provide temporary relief but do not address the underlying issues, and they do not contribute to the long-term health of a relationship.
What does Taylor Chandler suggest as an alternative to 'emergency stops' for managing triggers?
-Taylor Chandler suggests managing triggers through slow de-escalation and open communication, which allows for the expression of feelings and thoughts without resorting to control or avoidance.
What is necessary for a person to communicate effectively about their triggers in a relationship?
-To communicate effectively about triggers, a person needs to be able to regulate their nervous system, have good communication skills, and a sense of safety in the relationship that allows them to express their concerns and seek reassurance.
What is the importance of developing a sense of safety in a relationship according to the script?
-Developing a sense of safety in a relationship is crucial because it allows individuals to openly discuss their triggers and feelings without fear of judgment or further distress, thus fostering a healthier and more secure relationship.
How does Taylor Chandler address the issue of unrealistic expectations in relationships?
-Taylor Chandler addresses the issue of unrealistic expectations by stating that it is not realistic to expect that no one will ever trigger you or that it's not necessary to have conversations when triggered. Instead, she encourages the development of communication skills and a sense of safety to manage these situations.
Outlines
😣 Managing Rejection and Abandonment Triggers
In this paragraph, Taylor Chandler, a licensed marriage and family therapist, introduces the common triggers of rejection and abandonment that everyone experiences in relationships. The key difference lies in how individuals manage these triggers when they occur. Taylor emphasizes that even the most secure people can receive signals that someone might be leaving or creating distance, which can be unsettling. The foundational security of a relationship can help mitigate the impact of such signals. Taylor also explains that secure individuals can be triggered by a lack of space or feeling smothered, but they manage these triggers without resorting to emergency stop mechanisms. Instead, they opt for slow de-escalation through communication rather than control, which is a more sustainable approach for a relationship.
🔐 The Importance of Communication in Safe Relationships
This paragraph delves into the necessity of communication within a safe relationship when dealing with triggers. Taylor Chandler discusses how taking responsibility for one's actions and their impact is crucial, especially when mistakes are made, such as forgetting to call or choosing to do something else. The therapist highlights the importance of having realistic expectations in relationships, acknowledging that triggers are inevitable. Taylor stresses the need for developing a sense of safety within the relationship to allow for open communication about these triggers. This includes correcting misperceptions and providing reassurance, which contributes to a healthy and sustainable relationship dynamic.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Rejection
💡Abandonment
💡Attachment
💡Secure Attachment
💡Trigger
💡Insecure Attachment
💡Emergency Stop
💡Communication
💡Nervous System Regulation
💡Safety
💡Unrealistic Expectations
Highlights
Rejection and abandonment are common triggers in relationships that affect everyone.
The difference lies in how individuals manage these triggers when they occur.
Taylor Chandler introduces herself as a licensed marriage and family therapist.
Chandler's focus is on breaking negative relationship patterns and shifting attachment styles.
Signals of rejection or abandonment can happen in any relationship, affecting even the most secure individuals.
The severity of the impact of rejection or abandonment signals depends on the security of the relationship foundation.
In a secure relationship, minor incidents of rejection or abandonment have less impact.
In an insecure relationship, the same incidents can have a more significant and unsettling effect.
Secure individuals can also be triggered by feelings of being smothered or having too much space.
Secure types do not typically use an 'emergency stop' button to manage triggers.
Instead of control, secure individuals use slow de-escalation and communication to manage triggers.
Emergency stops are unsustainable for a healthy relationship in the long term.
Being able to be with the trigger and communicate through it is essential for relationship sustainability.
Developing communication skills and a sense of safety in the relationship is crucial for managing triggers.
Chandler emphasizes the importance of taking responsibility for one's actions and their impact on the relationship.
Unrealistic expectations, such as never being triggered, are not conducive to healthy relationship communication.
Chandler discusses the importance of attachment and dating in the context of managing relationship triggers.
The transcript concludes with a reminder that it's necessary to address and correct misperceptions in a safe relationship environment.
Transcripts
everyone is triggered by rejection and
abandonment the threat that someone that
you have an attachment to is going to
leave you every that that doesn't sit
well with anybody the difference is how
you manage the trigger when it happens
hey y'all welcome to boundaries and
Grace my name is Taylor Chandler I'm a
licensed marriage and family therapist
helping you break negative relationship
patterns by shifting your attachment
style these kinds of signals of re
rejection and or abandonment can happen
in any relationship it happens to the
most secure people you can get a sign
that someone doesn't um that someone is
leaving you or creating more distance
between you and them than what than what
makes you feel safe okay does everyone
get that anybody every relationship can
get some get some degree of this at some
point just a matter of how extreme it
how extreme that
is and how well we can make manage that
together which what makes the difference
no one is no one is walking around in in
a whole intimate romantic relationship
not getting triggered by
anything the SEC the the
foundational security of the
relationship helps to mitigate that
sense of rejection and abandonment what
do I mean by that like the the impact of
those kinds of rejection and abandonment
signals like it doesn't it doesn't it
doesn't hit the same like if our if the
foundation of our relationship is secure
and you forget get to call me back one
night that impact is a lot different
than if the foundation of our
relationship is
insecure we really don't trust each
other
consistently we really don't feel safe
with each other consistently and I don't
hear back from you one night when I'm
supposed to that impact is different
does that make sense y'all the secure
type can be triggered by whatever they
can be triggered by space they can also
be triggered by a feeling of smother
like I feel like I don't have enough Spa
feel like I don't have enough space from
you okay I feel like you're imposing
you're you're overstepping my boundaries
or I feel like you're too far away from
me a secure type can be triggered by any
of that by anything in this range that
we talked about with the AP and the da
as small or as big okay and the
difference is how it's managed so the
difference is the secure type doesn't
use an emergency stop button is an
uncommon strategy to manage a trigger
and I say uncommon because it's not
impossible right let's say um
someone someone reaches out someone
sends you a picture of your person uh
sitting at a table it looks like a
romantic dinner okay we're not sure yet
but it looks like a romantic dinner they
send you a picture it comes to your
phone it comes to your
DM I'm pretty sure it's going to trigger
a secure type like well what the hell is
this right I'm so I'm not suggesting
that you don't have any reaction to
something that's like hm that's
especially uncommon so there is
typically not an emergency stop and it
would be uncommon
what so what do I do instead if I'm not
if I if I don't experience stress or
distress as an experience where I must
stop it immediately and completely what
do I do instead what do we say in that
treadmill example a couple minutes ago I
walk it
down I communicate it's a slow
deescalation with
communication rather than with control
the AP and the da try to control the
trigger by take by taking the and saying
we're just not talking at all da or
we're going to talk right now
AP okay fearful fearful ofo type either
one secure type it's not a complete
immediate stop we're slowly deescalate
with communication not control okay
y'all emergency stops are not
sustainable in case you couldn't tell
okay emergency stops are not sustainable
might make you feel better in the moment
when you do get that contact or when you
do get that space but this is not
sustainable for a relationship so what
do we need to do we need to be able to
be with the trigger because you will
have them we need to be able to be with
the trigger and communicate through it
rather than becoming overwhelmed and
panicked so i' got I've got to be able
to regulate my nervous system I also
need the communication skills to be able
to bring that to my
person I also need a sense of safety in
the relationship that allows me to do
that because we don't encourage people
to open up to someone who is
consistently unsafe
consistently maybe trigger um critical
or avoidant themselves so the
relationship has to we have to develop a
sense of safety and the relationship to
even be able to bring this in a safe way
and and to allow you to cover it allow
allow you to speak to it allow you to
correct my
misperception allow you to reassure me
that maybe maybe maybe my perception
wasn't wrong and maybe I really did make
a mistake maybe I really did like what I
whatever I did like I and I I was
supposed to call you back last night at
7: I totally it totally slipped my mind
it's not a lie or sneaky whatever I just
forgot to do it or I really did get
caught up at work or I really did choose
to do something else I made a mistake I
Mis prioritized I didn't I did not
realize that it would have this impact I
take responsibility for the impact and
how so that that that that's a
safe relationship we're going to talk
later I think we talk about an
attachment and dating we'll talk about
unrealistic expectations that like no
one will ever trigger you
okay or that it's not realistic to have
a conversation like that when you are
triggered because we have to be able to
do that so anyway
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