How to Tame Your Advice Monster | Michael Bungay Stanier | TED

Summary

In this engaging talk, Michael explores the concept of the 'advice monster'—the instinct to give advice immediately, often prematurely, which can undermine both the giver and receiver. He identifies three personas of the advice monster: Tell it, Save it, and Control it, each representing different ways advice can dominate interactions. The talk emphasizes that advice isn’t inherently bad, but giving it by default often solves the wrong problem, diminishes autonomy, and wastes effort. Michael offers a practical solution: replace the advice-giving habit with curiosity, using three powerful questions—'What’s the real challenge here for you?', 'And what else?', and 'What do you want?'—to empower others and foster meaningful dialogue.

Takeaways

• 😀 Everyone has an 'advice monster,' the instinctive urge to give advice, often before fully understanding the situation.
• 😀 The advice monster can sabotage conversations by prioritizing giving answers over truly listening.
• 😀 Advice is not inherently bad; the problem arises when it becomes the default response rather than thoughtful guidance.
• 😀 There are three main ways advice giving can go wrong: solving the wrong problem, giving poor advice, and disempowering others.
• 😀 Constantly giving advice can undermine the recipient's confidence, competence, and autonomy.
• 😀 The advice monster has three personas: 'Tell it' (needs to have all the answers), 'Save it' (needs to rescue everyone), and 'Control it' (needs to maintain control).
• 😀 When the advice monster is in control, it diminishes both the giver and the receiver by eroding empathy, compassion, and vulnerability.
• 😀 Taming the advice monster requires replacing the advice-giving habit with a curiosity-based habit.
• 😀 Asking key questions helps tame the advice monster: 'What's the real challenge here for you?', 'And what else?', and 'What do you want?'.
• 😀 Staying curious longer empowers others to find their own solutions, fosters autonomy, and strengthens relationships.

Q & A

What is the 'advice monster' described in the transcript?

The 'advice monster' is a metaphor for the habitual urge to give advice immediately when someone shares a problem. It represents the part of us that wants to provide answers before fully understanding the situation.

Why is giving advice often problematic according to the transcript?

Advice can be problematic because people often try to solve the wrong problem, overestimate the quality of their advice due to cognitive biases, and unintentionally disempower others by signaling that they cannot figure things out themselves.

What are the three personas of the advice monster?

The three personas are: 'Tell It,' which urges having all the answers; 'Save It,' which drives rescuing others from struggle; and 'Control It,' which focuses on maintaining control over situations.

How does the advice monster affect both the advice giver and the receiver?

When the advice monster is in control, it diminishes the recipient by undermining their confidence and autonomy, and it diminishes the giver by reducing empathy, compassion, and connection to their own humanity.

What is the main strategy suggested to tame the advice monster?

The main strategy is to replace the habit of giving advice with the habit of staying curious longer, focusing on understanding the real challenge and the other person's perspective before offering solutions.

What are the three key questions recommended to manage the advice monster?

The three questions are: (1) 'What's the real challenge here for you?' to identify the true problem, (2) 'And what else?' to explore deeper layers of the challenge, and (3) 'What do you want?' to clarify goals and empower action.

Why is it important to ask 'What's the real challenge here for you?' multiple times?

Because initial answers are often incomplete or incorrect, repeatedly asking helps uncover the true underlying issues, preventing wasted time and ineffective advice.

What does the acronym A-W-E stand for in the transcript?

A-W-E stands for 'And What Else,' emphasizing the importance of digging deeper into the person's challenges and encouraging more thoughtful responses.

How does staying curious help in interpersonal interactions?

Staying curious helps create space for empathy, understanding, and authentic connection. It empowers others to find their own solutions instead of imposing answers or control.

What lesson did Michael learn from his interaction with Shannon?

Michael realized that his initial advice was ineffective because he hadn’t fully understood the real challenge. Using curiosity and asking the right questions would have been more valuable for helping Shannon find her own answers.

What is the long-term benefit of taming your advice monster?

Taming the advice monster builds stronger relationships, empowers others, encourages autonomy and confidence, and reduces the stress and responsibility of always having to provide solutions.

How can the advice monster manifest in daily life outside of personal conversations?

It can show up in workplaces, parenting, or leadership roles where we instinctively try to control situations, solve problems prematurely, or rescue others instead of guiding them to solutions themselves.