How to speak up for yourself | Adam Galinsky
Summary
TLDREl hablante comparte su experiencia personal y la de otros para explorar la difícil tarea de expresarse abiertamente. Desde la ansiedad de ser nuevos padres hasta el error de influir en las negociaciones de su hermano gemelo, la narración se centra en la importancia de encontrar el equilibrio adecuado en la conducta aceptable, conocido como 'rango de comportamiento aceptable'. Se discute cómo el poder, que puede ser influenciado por factores como las alternativas, la novedad en una situación o la jerarquía, determina este rango y cómo las personas en posiciones de menor poder enfrentan el 'dilemático de bajo poder'. A lo largo del discurso, se ofrecen herramientas prácticas para ampliar este rango, incluyendo la defensa de los demás (efecto 'osama madre'), la empatía (tomar la perspectiva de los demás), ofrecer opciones, buscar apoyo social y demostrar pasión y experticia. El mensaje final es que, al utilizar estas herramientas, se puede ampliar el rango de comportamiento aceptable y mejorar la calidad de vida.
Takeaways
- 🗣️ Hablar abiertamente puede ser difícil, pero es crucial para la comunicación y la resolución de problemas.
- 👶 Cuando somos nuevos en un rol, como los padres, a menudo nos encontramos en una posición de menos poder y esto reduce nuestro rango de comportamiento aceptable.
- 💪 El poder es determinante para nuestro rango de comportamiento aceptable; más poder significa un rango más amplio.
- 🚫 El 'doblegamiento de doble vínculo' de la baja posición de poder ocurre cuando si no hablamos nos pasamos desapercibidos, pero si lo hacemos, recibimos un castigo.
- 👩👦 Al abogar por otros, podemos descubrir y ampliar nuestro propio rango de voz, un fenómeno conocido como 'efecto oso parvulo'.
- 👀 La empatía y la toma de perspectiva son herramientas poderosas para ampliar nuestro rango, permitiéndonos ser ambiciosos pero agradables.
- 🤝 Ofrecer opciones y señales de flexibilidad puede disminuir las defensas de los demás y aumentar la probabilidad de éxito en nuestras propuestas.
- 👨👩👧👦 El apoyo social y tener aliados es fundamental para sentirse cómodo al hablar abiertamente y aumentar nuestro rango de aceptación.
- 📈 Solicitar consejo no solo resuelve el 'doblegamiento de autopromocion', sino que también puede hacer que parezcan más competentes y agradables a los ojos de los demás.
- 🧐 La pasión puede ser una herramienta para aumentar nuestra credibilidad y confianza, permitiéndonos hablar con mayor convicción.
- 😢 Reconocer y enmarcar nuestras emociones fuertes como pasión puede ayudar a disminuir el estigma asociado con mostrar debilidad.
- 🌟 Aceptar y mejorar nuestros roles y rangos en el mundo puede llevar a una vida más plena y satisfactoria.
Q & A
¿Por qué es difícil hablar abiertamente?
-Hablar abiertamente puede ser difícil porque implica arriesgarse a ser juzgado o desacreditado, especialmente en situaciones nuevas o cuando se cuestionan a figuras de autoridad.
¿Cómo se describe el sentimiento de los padres después del nacimiento de su hijo?
-El sentimiento de los padres después del nacimiento de su hijo es una mezcla de asombro, euforia, miedo y terror.
¿Por qué los padres no querían llamar a su pediatra inmediatamente después de regresar del hospital?
-Los padres no querían llamar a su pediatra inmediatamente porque no deseaban hacer una mala primera impresión o parecer unos padres locos o neuróticos.
¿Qué pasó cuando los padres finalmente llevaron a su hijo al doctor?
-Cuando los padres llevaron a su hijo al doctor, el médico le dio fórmula inmediatamente debido a que el bebé estaba bastante dehidratado.
¿Cómo afecta la historia del hermano gemelo del narrador su enfoque en la negociación?
-La historia del hermano gemelo del narrador muestra cómo asumir una postura demasiado agresiva en una negociación, al no tener alternativas y por lo tanto poder, puede resultar en que la oferta inicial sea retirada.
¿Qué es el rango de comportamiento aceptable y cómo se relaciona con el poder?
-El rango de comportamiento aceptable es el intervalo de acciones y expresiones que una persona puede realizar sin recibir castigo o desaprobación. Está directamente relacionado con el poder, ya que a mayor poder, mayor es el rango de comportamiento aceptable.
¿Qué es el bucle doble de bajo poder y cómo afecta a las personas?
-El bucle doble de bajo poder es una situación en la que una persona no es notada si no habla abiertamente y, si lo hace, es castigada o desacreditada. Limita aún más el rango de comportamiento aceptable para las personas en posiciones de poco poder.
¿Cómo la perspectiva toma puede ayudar a una persona a ampliar su rango de comportamiento aceptable?
-La perspectiva toma permite a una persona ver el mundo desde los ojos de otra persona, lo que puede aumentar la comprensión y la empatía. Esto puede llevar a que otros la vean como más confiable y, por lo tanto, le otorguen un rango de comportamiento más amplio.
¿Por qué es importante tener aliados cuando se está a cargo de hablar abiertamente?
-Tener aliados es importante porque brinda apoyo social, lo que puede aumentar la confianza de una persona al expresarse. Los aliados también pueden ayudar a contrarrestar cualquier intento de desacreditación o silenciamiento.
¿Cómo pedir consejo puede ser una herramienta efectiva para promoverse a sí mismo sin parecer desagradable?
-Pedir consejo sobre uno de tus logros permite que las personas perciban tu competencia, pero también te muestra como alguien humilde y dispuesto a aprender, lo que aumenta tu simpatía y aceptación social.
¿Cómo la pasión puede ser una herramienta para hablar abiertamente y por qué es útil?
-La pasión puede dar a una persona la confianza para hablar abiertamente, ya que muestra una conexión profunda y un compromiso emocional con un tema. Además, la pasión puede hacer que otros te vean como una persona más creíble y capaz.
¿Qué mensaje de su padre dejó el narrador y cómo se relaciona con la idea central de su charla?
-El narrador compartió un mensaje de su padre sobre la importancia de mejorar y enriquecer nuestras actuaciones en la 'comedia humana'. Esto se relaciona con la idea central de su charla sobre ampliar el rango de comportamiento aceptable, al animar a las personas a crecer, cambiar y expandirse a sí mismas.
Outlines
🗣️ La importancia de hablar con confianza
El primer párrafo explora la dificultad de hablar abiertamente sobre nuestras preocupaciones. El narrador comparte su experiencia como nuevo padre y la ansiedad que sintió al no saber si su bebé recibía suficiente alimento de la lactancia materna. Esta situación lo llevó a reflexionar sobre la importancia de comunicarse en momentos de incertidumbre. Además, recuerda un incidente pasado con su hermano gemelo, donde su intervención en una negociación resultó en un resultado negativo. A partir de estas experiencias, el hablante destaca la existencia de un 'rango de comportamiento aceptable' y cómo este puede cambiar dependiendo de nuestra posición de poder.
🤝 Ampliando el rango de poder y aceptación
El segundo párrafo se enfoca en la dinámica del poder y cómo este afecta nuestro rango de comportamiento aceptable. Se discute cómo el poder, que puede presentarse en多种形式, influye en nuestra capacidad para hablar con firmeza o la necesidad de hacerlo. Se introduce la idea de que el bajo poder puede generar un 'doblegable bajo poder', donde las personas pueden ser ignoradas si no hablan y punidas si lo hacen. Se exploran herramientas para ampliar este rango, incluyendo la auto-percepción de poder, la percepción de poder por otros, y la importancia de la defensa de los demás y la empatía en la toma de perspectivas para aumentar nuestra confianza y el ancho de nuestra gama de comportamiento aceptable.
🤔 Herramientas para hablar con autoridad y simpatía
El tercer párrafo ofrece estrategias específicas para hablar con autoridad sin sacrificar la simpatía. Se habla sobre la importancia de la flexibilidad en la negociación, la elección como una herramienta para disminuir las defensas de los demás, y cómo la defensa de los demás y la búsqueda de consejo pueden ganarnos aliados y superar los dobles ataduras de auto promoción. Además, se destaca el valor de la pasión y la credibilidad como expertos para aumentar nuestra confianza y el ancho de nuestro rango de comportamiento. Finalmente, se concluye con una reflexión de su difunto padre sobre los roles y rangos que desempeñamos en la vida, y cómo podemos mejorar y ampliar estos para tener una vida más plena y satisfactoria.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡habla alto
💡rango de comportamiento aceptable
💡poder
💡doble atadura de bajo poder
💡afirmación de la perspectiva
💡flexibilidad
💡apoyo social
💡apoyo de otros
💡petición de consejo
💡experticia
💡pasión
Highlights
Speaking up can be difficult, especially during life-changing events such as becoming a new parent.
The fear of making a bad impression can lead to hesitation in seeking necessary help, as experienced by the speaker with their newborn.
The importance of advocating for others, known as the 'mama bear effect', can help individuals discover and expand their own range of acceptable behavior.
Perspective-taking is a powerful tool for expanding one's range of acceptable behavior, but it can be challenging to implement.
The concept of the 'low-power double bind', where individuals face negative consequences for either speaking up or remaining silent, is a common dilemma.
Power dynamics significantly influence one's range of acceptable behavior, with more power leading to a wider range of acceptable actions.
The gender double bind is actually a manifestation of the low-power double bind, where perceived gender differences are often power differences in disguise.
Feeling powerful, both in one's own eyes and in the eyes of others, is crucial for expanding one's range of acceptable behavior.
Providing options can be an effective strategy for assertiveness while maintaining likability, as demonstrated by the car salesperson example.
Social support and having allies are key factors in feeling comfortable to speak up and assert oneself.
Asking for advice can be a strategic move to gain social support, as it flatters others and shows humility.
Expertise and passion can provide credibility and permission for individuals to speak up, even when they perceive themselves as having low power.
Tapping into one's passion can help overcome the negative perception of showing strong emotions, such as crying, in professional settings.
The roles and ranges we are assigned in life are not static; they can grow and change as we embrace our roles and work to improve our performance.
Using the tools of advocacy for others, perspective-taking, flexibility signaling, social support, and passion can help individuals expand their range of acceptable behavior.
The speaker's late father's advice on embracing one's roles and improving performance aligns with the core message of expanding one's range and finding joy.
Transcripts
Speaking up is hard to do.
I understood the true meaning of this phrase exactly one month ago,
when my wife and I became new parents.
It was an amazing moment.
It was exhilarating and elating,
but it was also scary and terrifying.
And it got particularly terrifying when we got home from the hospital,
and we were unsure
whether our little baby boy was getting enough nutrients from breastfeeding.
And we wanted to call our pediatrician,
but we also didn't want to make a bad first impression
or come across as a crazy, neurotic parent.
So we worried.
And we waited.
When we got to the doctor's office the next day,
she immediately gave him formula because he was pretty dehydrated.
Our son is fine now,
and our doctor has reassured us we can always contact her.
But in that moment,
I should've spoken up, but I didn't.
But sometimes we speak up when we shouldn't,
and I learned that over 10 years ago when I let my twin brother down.
My twin brother is a documentary filmmaker,
and for one of his first films,
he got an offer from a distribution company.
He was excited,
and he was inclined to accept the offer.
But as a negotiations researcher,
I insisted he make a counteroffer,
and I helped him craft the perfect one.
And it was perfect --
it was perfectly insulting.
The company was so offended,
they literally withdrew the offer
and my brother was left with nothing.
And I've asked people all over the world about this dilemma of speaking up:
when they can assert themselves,
when they can push their interests,
when they can express an opinion,
when they can make an ambitious ask.
And the range of stories are varied and diverse,
but they also make up a universal tapestry.
Can I correct my boss when they make a mistake?
Can I confront my coworker who keeps stepping on my toes?
Can I challenge my friend's insensitive joke?
Can I tell the person I love the most my deepest insecurities?
And through these experiences, I've come to recognize
that each of us have something called a range of acceptable behavior.
Now, sometimes we're too strong; we push ourselves too much.
That's what happened with my brother.
Even making an offer was outside his range of acceptable behavior.
But sometimes we're too weak.
That's what happened with my wife and I.
And this range of acceptable behaviors --
when we stay within our range, we're rewarded.
When we step outside that range, we get punished in a variety of ways.
We get dismissed or demeaned or even ostracized.
Or we lose that raise or that promotion or that deal.
Now, the first thing we need to know is:
What is my range?
But the key thing is, our range isn't fixed;
it's actually pretty dynamic.
It expands and it narrows based on the context.
And there's one thing that determines that range more than anything else,
and that's your power.
Your power determines your range.
What is power?
Power comes in lots of forms.
In negotiations, it comes in the form of alternatives.
So my brother had no alternatives;
he lacked power.
The company had lots of alternatives;
they had power.
Sometimes it's being new to a country, like an immigrant,
or new to an organization
or new to an experience,
like my wife and I as new parents.
Sometimes it's at work,
where someone's the boss and someone's the subordinate.
Sometimes it's in relationships,
where one person's more invested than the other person.
And the key thing is that when we have lots of power,
our range is very wide.
We have a lot of leeway in how to behave.
But when we lack power, our range narrows.
We have very little leeway.
The problem is that when our range narrows,
that produces something called the low-power double bind.
The low-power double bind happens
when, if we don't speak up, we go unnoticed,
but if we do speak up, we get punished.
Now, many of you have heard the phrase the "double bind"
and connected it with one thing, and that's gender.
The gender double bind is women who don't speak up go unnoticed,
and women who do speak up get punished.
And the key thing is that women have the same need as men to speak up,
but they have barriers to doing so.
But what my research has shown over the last two decades
is that what looks like a gender difference
is not really a gender double bind,
it's a really a low-power double bind.
And what looks like a gender difference
are really often just power differences in disguise.
Oftentimes we see a difference between a man and a woman
or men and women,
and think, "Biological cause. There's something fundamentally different
about the sexes."
But in study after study,
I've found that a better explanation for many sex differences
is really power.
And so it's the low-power double bind.
And the low-power double bind means that we have a narrow range,
and we lack power.
We have a narrow range,
and our double bind is very large.
So we need to find ways to expand our range.
And over the last couple decades,
my colleagues and I have found two things really matter.
The first: you seem powerful in your own eyes.
The second: you seem powerful in the eyes of others.
When I feel powerful,
I feel confident, not fearful;
I expand my own range.
When other people see me as powerful,
they grant me a wider range.
So we need tools to expand our range of acceptable behavior.
And I'm going to give you a set of tools today.
Speaking up is risky,
but these tools will lower your risk of speaking up.
The first tool I'm going to give you got discovered in negotiations
in an important finding.
On average, women make less ambitious offers
and get worse outcomes than men at the bargaining table.
But Hannah Riley Bowles and Emily Amanatullah have discovered
there's one situation where women get the same outcomes as men
and are just as ambitious.
That's when they advocate for others.
When they advocate for others,
they discover their own range and expand it in their own mind.
They become more assertive.
This is sometimes called "the mama bear effect."
Like a mama bear defending her cubs,
when we advocate for others, we can discover our own voice.
But sometimes, we have to advocate for ourselves.
How do we do that?
One of the most important tools we have to advocate for ourselves
is something called perspective-taking.
And perspective-taking is really simple:
it's simply looking at the world through the eyes of another person.
It's one of the most important tools we have to expand our range.
When I take your perspective,
and I think about what you really want,
you're more likely to give me what I really want.
But here's the problem:
perspective-taking is hard to do.
So let's do a little experiment.
I want you all to hold your hand just like this:
your finger -- put it up.
And I want you to draw a capital letter E on your forehead
as quickly as possible.
OK, it turns out that we can draw this E in one of two ways,
and this was originally designed as a test of perspective-taking.
I'm going to show you two pictures
of someone with an E on their forehead --
my former student, Erika Hall.
And you can see over here,
that's the correct E.
I drew the E so it looks like an E to another person.
That's the perspective-taking E
because it looks like an E from someone else's vantage point.
But this E over here is the self-focused E.
We often get self-focused.
And we particularly get self-focused in a crisis.
I want to tell you about a particular crisis.
A man walks into a bank in Watsonville, California.
And he says, "Give me $2,000,
or I'm blowing the whole bank up with a bomb."
Now, the bank manager didn't give him the money.
She took a step back.
She took his perspective,
and she noticed something really important.
He asked for a specific amount of money.
So she said,
"Why did you ask for $2,000?"
And he said, "My friend is going to be evicted
unless I get him $2,000 immediately."
And she said, "Oh! You don't want to rob the bank --
you want to take out a loan."
(Laughter)
"Why don't you come back to my office,
and we can have you fill out the paperwork."
(Laughter)
Now, her quick perspective-taking defused a volatile situation.
So when we take someone's perspective,
it allows us to be ambitious and assertive, but still be likable.
Here's another way to be assertive but still be likable,
and that is to signal flexibility.
Now, imagine you're a car salesperson, and you want to sell someone a car.
You're going to more likely make the sale if you give them two options.
Let's say option A:
$24,000 for this car and a five-year warranty.
Or option B:
$23,000 and a three-year warranty.
My research shows that when you give people a choice among options,
it lowers their defenses,
and they're more likely to accept your offer.
And this doesn't just work with salespeople;
it works with parents.
When my niece was four,
she resisted getting dressed and rejected everything.
But then my sister-in-law had a brilliant idea.
What if I gave my daughter a choice?
This shirt or that shirt? OK, that shirt.
This pant or that pant? OK, that pant.
And it worked brilliantly.
She got dressed quickly and without resistance.
When I've asked the question around the world
when people feel comfortable speaking up,
the number one answer is:
"When I have social support in my audience; when I have allies."
So we want to get allies on our side.
How do we do that?
Well, one of the ways is be a mama bear.
When we advocate for others,
we expand our range in our own eyes and the eyes of others,
but we also earn strong allies.
Another way we can earn strong allies, especially in high places,
is by asking other people for advice.
When we ask others for advice, they like us because we flatter them,
and we're expressing humility.
And this really works to solve another double bind.
And that's the self-promotion double bind.
The self-promotion double bind
is that if we don't advertise our accomplishments,
no one notices.
And if we do, we're not likable.
But if we ask for advice about one of our accomplishments,
we are able to be competent in their eyes but also be likeable.
And this is so powerful
it even works when you see it coming.
There have been multiple times in life when I have been forewarned
that a low-power person has been given the advice to come ask me for advice.
I want you to notice three things about this:
First, I knew they were going to come ask me for advice.
Two, I've actually done research on the strategic benefits
of asking for advice.
And three, it still worked!
I took their perspective,
I became more invested in their cause,
I became more committed to them because they asked for advice.
Now, another time we feel more confident speaking up
is when we have expertise.
Expertise gives us credibility.
When we have high power, we already have credibility.
We only need good evidence.
When we lack power, we don't have the credibility.
We need excellent evidence.
And one of the ways we can come across as an expert
is by tapping into our passion.
I want everyone in the next few days to go up to friend of theirs
and just say to them,
"I want you to describe a passion of yours to me."
I've had people do this all over the world
and I asked them,
"What did you notice about the other person
when they described their passion?"
And the answers are always the same.
"Their eyes lit up and got big."
"They smiled a big beaming smile."
"They used their hands all over --
I had to duck because their hands were coming at me."
"They talk quickly with a little higher pitch."
(Laughter)
"They leaned in as if telling me a secret."
And then I said to them,
"What happened to you as you listened to their passion?"
They said, "My eyes lit up.
I smiled.
I leaned in."
When we tap into our passion,
we give ourselves the courage, in our own eyes, to speak up,
but we also get the permission from others to speak up.
Tapping into our passion even works when we come across as too weak.
Both men and women get punished at work when they shed tears.
But Lizzie Wolf has shown that when we frame our strong emotions as passion,
the condemnation of our crying disappears for both men and women.
I want to end with a few words from my late father
that he spoke at my twin brother's wedding.
Here's a picture of us.
My dad was a psychologist like me,
but his real love and his real passion was cinema,
like my brother.
And so he wrote a speech for my brother's wedding
about the roles we play in the human comedy.
And he said, "The lighter your touch,
the better you become at improving and enriching your performance.
Those who embrace their roles and work to improve their performance
grow, change and expand the self.
Play it well,
and your days will be mostly joyful."
What my dad was saying
is that we've all been assigned ranges and roles in this world.
But he was also saying the essence of this talk:
those roles and ranges are constantly expanding and evolving.
So when a scene calls for it,
be a ferocious mama bear
and a humble advice seeker.
Have excellent evidence and strong allies.
Be a passionate perspective taker.
And if you use those tools --
and each and every one of you can use these tools --
you will expand your range of acceptable behavior,
and your days will be mostly joyful.
Thank you.
(Applause)
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