How Praise Can Damage Your Child's Confidence

Summary

This video highlights the importance of how we praise our children, emphasizing that praising intelligence can lead to fear of failure, while praising effort encourages resilience and a love for challenges. Based on Carol Dweck's research, it explains that children praised for effort tend to tackle harder tasks and persevere, while those praised for intelligence may shy away from challenges. The video offers practical tips on praising children for their strategies, creativity, and persistence, fostering growth and confidence. It also touches on managing toddler emotions and building resilience through evidence-based parenting advice.

Takeaways

• 👶 Praising children for being smart can set an unrealistic expectation and pressure them to maintain a perfect image.
• 🤔 Children praised for their intelligence may avoid challenging tasks to prevent failure and maintain their 'smart' label.
• 🎓 Praising effort encourages children to take on harder challenges, as seen in studies by Carol Dweck and her colleagues.
• 📊 Kids praised for effort tend to enjoy challenges more, persist longer, and perform better in later tasks compared to those praised for intelligence.
• 📉 Children who were praised for their intelligence showed a 20% drop in scores after facing a difficult task, while effort-praised kids improved by 30%.
• 🚫 Praising intelligence can lead children to fear mistakes, avoid challenges, and hide their errors to protect their 'smart' image.
• 🧠 Focus praise on effort, persistence, creativity, and specific achievements to foster a growth mindset.
• 🌱 Encouraging effort helps children develop resilience, face challenges, and understand that mistakes are part of learning.
• 🧒 Use simple, clear language when praising young children to ensure they understand and connect with the message.
• 📚 A communication milestone chart can help parents know what language skills to expect from their children at different ages, aiding effective praise.

Q & A

Why can praising a child for their intelligence be detrimental?

Praising a child for their intelligence can create pressure for them to maintain a 'smart' label, leading them to avoid challenging tasks to prevent failure and potential disappointment.

How does praising effort differ from praising intelligence?

Praising effort encourages children to embrace challenges and persist through difficulties, while praising intelligence often leads them to avoid challenges to protect their 'smart' image.

What was the outcome of Carol Dweck's study on fifth graders and praise?

Dweck's study found that children praised for intelligence were more likely to choose easier tasks, while those praised for effort were more willing to take on challenging tasks and persisted longer during difficult tests.

How did the children’s performance change after being praised for intelligence or effort?

Children praised for intelligence saw their test scores drop by 20% after a challenging test, while those praised for effort had their scores improve by 30%.

Why do children praised for intelligence avoid challenging tasks?

Children praised for intelligence fear that failing a challenging task could lead to losing their 'smart' label, making them more likely to avoid difficult situations to protect their image.

What type of praise helps children develop resilience?

Praising effort, persistence, and specific actions helps children develop resilience by encouraging them to embrace challenges and learn from mistakes.

What should parents focus on when praising their child?

Parents should focus on praising specific actions, efforts, and achievements, such as problem-solving approaches or persistence, rather than intelligence or talent.

How does avoiding tougher tasks limit a child's development?

Avoiding tougher tasks prevents children from stretching their abilities, learning new skills, and developing resilience, which are essential for growth and development.

What is a better alternative to saying 'You're smart'?

A better alternative is to praise specific actions or efforts, such as 'You worked really hard to solve that problem' or 'I noticed you found a creative way to reach your toy.'

What is the significance of using age-appropriate language when praising toddlers?

Using age-appropriate language ensures that toddlers can understand the praise, making it more meaningful and helping them recognize their efforts or achievements.

Outlines

00:00

🧠 The Risks of Praising Intelligence

This paragraph discusses how parents frequently praise their children for being smart, clever, or talented. While intended to boost confidence, such praise may have unintended negative consequences. When children hear these compliments, they internalize that their parents’ love and approval are based on their intelligence, which creates pressure to always meet those high expectations. As a result, they avoid challenging tasks for fear of failure, ultimately hindering their growth and development. Psychologist Carol Dweck’s study with fifth graders revealed that children praised for their intelligence tend to choose easier tasks to protect their 'smart' label, while those praised for effort were more willing to embrace challenges. The difference in how these children handled challenging situations demonstrates the value of effort-based praise over intelligence-based praise.

05:00

💪 Emphasizing Effort Over Talent

This paragraph emphasizes the importance of praising children for their effort and approach rather than their intelligence or talent. Parents should focus on specific actions that children can control and improve, such as their creativity, persistence, or specific achievements. For example, acknowledging how a child solved a problem creatively or recognizing their hard work will foster a growth mindset, encouraging them to embrace challenges. Using simple and age-appropriate language when praising children is key to ensuring they understand and feel empowered. Additionally, the paragraph introduces a free communication milestone chart that can help parents track their child’s language development.

Keywords

💡Praise

Praise refers to the act of giving positive feedback or compliments to a child. In the video, praise is examined critically, specifically in how parents often praise their children for being smart or talented. The video suggests that while well-intentioned, praise focused on intelligence can create pressure on children, leading them to avoid challenges to maintain their 'smart' image.

💡Effort

Effort in this context refers to recognizing and acknowledging the hard work and persistence a child demonstrates, rather than focusing on innate ability. The video emphasizes the importance of praising effort, as it encourages children to embrace challenges and continue working hard, even if they face difficulties. It contrasts with praising intelligence, which can make children risk-averse.

💡Intelligence praise

Intelligence praise is when children are complimented for being smart or naturally talented. The video explains that this type of praise can set a high standard for children, causing them to avoid difficult tasks to protect their 'smart' identity. The study by Carol Dweck highlights that children who received intelligence praise were more likely to choose easier tasks and become frustrated when faced with challenges.

💡Effort praise

Effort praise is when children are praised for the hard work they put into tasks. The video explains that this type of praise motivates children to embrace challenges and persist, as demonstrated in Carol Dweck’s study where 92% of children praised for effort chose more difficult tasks. Effort praise helps build resilience and fosters a growth mindset.

💡Growth mindset

Growth mindset is the belief that abilities and intelligence can be developed through hard work and persistence. In the video, the concept is linked to praising effort, which encourages children to view challenges as opportunities for growth. By reinforcing a growth mindset, parents help their children become more resilient and open to learning.

💡Challenge

A challenge is a task that is difficult or requires extra effort to complete. The video highlights that when children are praised for effort, they are more likely to embrace challenges rather than avoid them. Facing challenges is essential for a child’s development, as it helps them learn new skills and improve their abilities.

💡Resilience

Resilience refers to the ability to persist through difficulties and recover from setbacks. The video discusses how praising effort helps build resilience in children by teaching them that it’s okay to struggle and that failure is part of learning. Resilient children are more likely to try again after failing, rather than giving up.

💡Fixed mindset

A fixed mindset is the belief that abilities and intelligence are static and cannot be changed. The video suggests that when children are praised for being smart, they may develop a fixed mindset, leading them to avoid difficult tasks out of fear of failure. This limits their potential to grow and learn from mistakes.

💡Carol Dweck

Carol Dweck is a renowned psychologist who conducted a study on the effects of different types of praise on children. Her research, mentioned in the video, showed that children praised for effort were more likely to embrace challenges, while those praised for intelligence tended to avoid difficult tasks. Dweck’s work is central to understanding the benefits of fostering a growth mindset in children.

💡Persistence

Persistence is the quality of continuing to try, even when faced with difficulties. The video encourages parents to praise their child’s persistence, as this reinforces the value of effort over innate talent. By recognizing persistence, children learn to keep trying, which is crucial for long-term success and personal growth.

Highlights

Praising children for intelligence sets a high bar that can lead to fear of failure and avoiding challenges.

Carol Dweck's study showed that children praised for intelligence are more likely to choose easier tasks.

In contrast, children praised for effort are more likely to opt for challenging tasks and persevere.

Children praised for effort scored 30% higher on subsequent tests, while those praised for intelligence scored 20% lower.

Praising intelligence makes children more likely to avoid difficult tasks and feel frustrated when they struggle.

Focusing on effort praise helps children embrace challenges and see mistakes as part of the learning process.

Effort praise encourages resilience and confidence, leading to more persistence in the face of difficulty.

Specific praise on actions or approaches helps children recognize what they did well and what to aim for next.

Avoid vague praise like 'you're smart' and instead focus on specific achievements or methods used by the child.

Praising effort over intelligence helps children develop a growth mindset, understanding that abilities improve through practice.

Parents should use simple, clear language when praising toddlers, ensuring they understand the feedback.

Praising the child’s creative solutions or persistence can help them feel proud of their approach rather than just the outcome.

By reinforcing that mistakes are part of learning, parents can help children feel brave enough to try new things.

Understanding a child's communication milestones can help tailor praise to their language skills.

Managing toddler emotions and tantrums requires evidence-based approaches, as highlighted in a separate video.

Transcripts

Wow, you're so clever! What a little genius! Perfect job! You're such a natural!

As parents we often find ourselves showering our toddlers with these praises.

We think they boost our little ones confidence, inspiring them to explore and

help them shine as they grow. However, when they hear this they think, "Mummy and

Daddy love me because I'm smart, brilliant or talented!" And this is where

those well-meaning words of praise can be detrimental. Now we'll talk about why

that is and make sure you do stick around to the end where we will talk

about what you can do instead. So praising your child on their intelligence

sets an incredibly high bar for them. One they feel they might not always meet. And

since no child wants to lose their parents admiration, when they are faced

with a task that they perceive as challenging they think, "What if I fail

and disappoint them?" So instead of tackling the challenge they back off.

They don't want to risk failing or looking bad. And as a result they avoid

those challenging tasks choosing easier ones to ensure that they maintain that

perfect image. Carol Dweck, a renowned psychologist and her colleagues actually

demonstrated this in a study with fifth graders. They had the children take a

basic test and then they praised them. Some were complimented on their

intelligence and told, "You must be smart at this". While others were complimented

on their effort and told, "You must have worked really hard".

After this praise, the children were then offered a choice.

They could do an easy task or a challenging one.

This is where things got interesting.

A whopping 67% of those praised for being smart actually picked the easier test, not

wanting to risk their smart label.

In contrast, 92% of those praised for effort opted for the harder task, eager to try.

After completing this second test, all the children were given a super tough one, which

was designed to stump them.

When completing this test, those that were praised for their effort persisted longer

and seemed to enjoy the challenge more.

Whereas, the children praised for being smart actually became frustrated with the test and

had a tendency to give up early.

After this tricky test, another test was given which was similar to the first test they completed

in regards to level of difficulty.

And the results from this test were really surprising.

The average scores of the children who were praised for their intelligence actually dropped

by 20%. But the "effort praise" group, their average scores surged by nearly 30%.

These findings suggest that when we praise our children for their intelligence, we're

telling them that is the name of the game.

Look smart and don't risk making mistakes.

To them, a single mistake could make them feel inadequate, thinking "If I mess up,

does that mean I'm not smart?"

And as a result they become more cautious.

They avoid challenges and they crumble

when they hit difficulties.

They're also more likely to hide their mistakes.

All to protect their 'smart' or 'perfect' image.

But by avoiding tougher tasks,

your toddler misses out on the opportunity

to grow and develop.

They won't get the chance to stretch their abilities

or learn new skills,

simply because they choose to stick to what's familiar.

Now this is not to say

that you shouldn't praise your little one.

You should.

But when you do, focus on specifics

and things that they can clearly change.

So instead of telling your child

that they're smart or talented,

you can compliment their approach.

For example, you might say,

"I noticed you struggled to reach your toys,

but you got creative with that stool!"

Or you could celebrate their specific achievements.

"Look at you, you put your shirt on all by yourself!"

Or "Your drawing has so many bright colors!"

Or you could acknowledge their persistence or effort.

"I can see you've been practicing your jumping. Every day you're jumping a little

higher. Keep going!" or "You've worked really hard to build that block tower."

Now when you are praising your little one make sure you use language that

they're likely to understand. As parents we often slip into using adult language

without even realizing it and we think we're being clear but to a little one

it's like listening to a foreign language. So to help you know what words

are best to use with your child it's helpful to understand what you can

expect in regards to their language skills. And that's exactly what I've

created in the communication milestone chart. It's a free guide that shows you

what language skills you can expect at each age from one all the way up to four

years of age. And to get your free copy just click the link in the description

below this video. When you praise your little one on the effort they applied,

the techniques they used, or the specific achievements, they start to recognize

what they did well and what to aim for next time. And this kind of encouragement

also makes them feel brave enough to try new things knowing that it's okay if

they don't get it right away. They'll start to see that slip ups are just a

part of learning. It doesn't mean that they're not clever or capable, it's just

something new they haven't yet mastered. And instead of thinking "What if I can't

do it, my mum or dad won't think I'm smart" they'll start to believe "I should

just keep trying and I'll get it eventually". By teaching them that it's

okay to try and try again you're helping to build their confidence and resilience.

So even when things get a little bit tricky,

they won't give up.

They'll keep going, learning and growing,

ready to face the next fun challenge.

As well as encouraging our little ones

to take risks and make mistakes,

as parents we also have a vital role

of helping our kids manage big emotions,

particularly the overwhelming feelings

that often lead to tantrums and meltdowns.

While there's no shortage of advice

on how to manage these high emotion moments,

it's crucial to rely on information

grounded in real evidence.

And that's where this video comes in.

In it, I'll debunk a popular but ineffective piece of advice

that parents often hear regarding toddler tantrums.

You'll learn the brain science behind

why this advice doesn't really work,

and moreover, you'll come to understand

why tantrums and meltdowns happen in the first place,

and why it's often not your toddler's fault.

So make sure you check it out.