What happens when the Narcissist Loses control over you?

Summary

In this video, Darren Magee explores common behaviors of narcissistic individuals when they lose control or are exposed. He discusses how narcissists may react with manipulative apologies, false accusations, and attempts to regain control by influencing a victim's social circle or projecting guilt. They may also become vindictive or try to create trauma bonds to keep the victim emotionally tethered. Magee emphasizes the persistence of these tactics and the difficulty victims may face when trying to break free from such relationships, while encouraging reflection on past experiences.

Takeaways

• 😠 Narcissists may react negatively when their tactics are no longer effective and they lose control over someone.
• 🤥 Narcissistic behaviors are persistent and pervasive, including manipulation, exploitation, and lack of empathy.
• 😢 When exposed, narcissists might apologize, but often it is insincere or comes with excuses, as they are typically more sorry for the consequences than their actions.
• 🙅 Narcissists often refuse to admit their mistakes and instead resort to false accusations and gaslighting to distort the victim's perception.
• 👥 They may try to infiltrate the victim's social circle, using friends and family as agents to stalk, intimidate, and regain control.
• 😡 Narcissists project their pain and shame onto their victims, manipulating them to take responsibility for the narcissist's actions.
• 💥 They can become vindictive and act out aggressively when they lose control, including spreading rumors, damaging property, and withholding support.
• 🔁 Narcissists may create or strengthen a trauma bond with their victims to maintain control, using dependency and coercion.
• 😔 When manipulative tactics fail, narcissists might attempt to emotionally manipulate the victim into feeling guilty or responsible.
• 📢 Narcissists value themselves based on external admiration, often manipulating others to feed their need for validation and attention.

Q & A

What are some common traits of a narcissistic person?

Narcissistic people often display entitlement, self-absorption, and a resistance to criticism. They can be exploitative, manipulative, and lack empathy. Their behaviors are consistent, persistent, and pervasive.

How might a narcissistic person react when their tactics no longer work?

When a narcissistic person loses control, they might apologize, but often not for their actions—more for the consequences. They may also deny the truth, twist the facts, project blame, or become vindictive.

Why do narcissists seek control over others?

Narcissists rely on admiration and validation from others to maintain their fragile sense of self. When people don’t meet their demands, they manipulate or bully them to regain control.

What is a 'trauma bond' and how does a narcissist use it?

A trauma bond occurs when a victim becomes emotionally dependent on their abuser. Narcissists may create or strengthen this bond to keep the victim feeling trapped and unable to assert autonomy.

How do narcissists apologize when caught?

A narcissist’s apology may be insincere and focused on the consequences they face, rather than the harm they've caused. They may include excuses or shift the blame to external factors.

What are some tactics narcissists use when they've been exposed?

Narcissists might engage in behaviors like projecting blame onto the victim, spreading false accusations, gaslighting, or even contacting the victim's social circle to manipulate perceptions.

How do narcissists manipulate after losing control over someone?

They may try to evoke pity or sympathy by playing the victim, blaming others, or using emotional manipulation to regain influence. In some cases, they turn to vindictive actions to 'punish' the person.

What is the significance of 'false accusations' in a narcissist's behavior?

False accusations are used by narcissists to twist the truth, manipulate perceptions, and make the victim question their own reality. It’s a form of gaslighting designed to protect the narcissist's image.

Why do narcissists often struggle with admitting mistakes?

Narcissists have a poor sense of self and little insight into their own behavior. Admitting mistakes would undermine their fragile ego, so they prefer to shift blame or deny wrongdoing.

What is the role of a narcissist’s social circle in their manipulation?

Narcissists may enlist others, sometimes called 'flying monkeys,' to gather information or reinforce their narrative. This helps them control how others perceive both themselves and their victim.

Outlines

00:00

🤔 Understanding Narcissistic Reactions When Exposed

The speaker, Darren Magee, introduces the topic based on questions about how narcissists react when their tactics fail or when they are exposed. Narcissistic traits, including entitlement, manipulation, and lack of empathy, are outlined as pervasive behaviors. When a narcissist loses control, they often respond negatively. Magee emphasizes that narcissists rely on admiration and validation from others and will resort to coercion, shame, or guilt when they don't receive it voluntarily. He also cautions that this video is not a substitute for professional mental health advice.

05:02

😔 Narcissists Apologize, But for Selfish Reasons

One of the common reactions of narcissists when they lose control is offering an apology. However, Magee explains that their apologies are often self-serving. They may be sorry not for their actions, but for the consequences they face, such as being exposed or abandoned. Their apologies often come with excuses or justifications, and while they may sound sincere, they are generally short-lived. Magee encourages viewers to reflect on past experiences with the narcissist to recognize whether true change followed any previous apologies.

10:07

😠 Narcissists Deny and Accuse When Caught

When confronted with their behavior, narcissists rarely admit the truth. Instead, they engage in tactics like false accusations, twisting words, and deliberate misinterpretations. Magee highlights the danger of gaslighting, where victims may start doubting themselves, especially if the narcissist is skilled at appearing humble or contrite. This manipulative behavior is often honed over long-term relationships.

😕 Narcissists Infiltrate Victims' Social Circles

After a breakup or loss of control, narcissists may start contacting the victim's friends, family, or colleagues, often under the guise of concern. They may also become involved in the victim's social activities or groups. This behavior serves multiple purposes: gaining information, intimidating the victim, and controlling how others perceive both the narcissist and the victim. Narcissists often seek to turn others into 'flying monkeys'—people who act on their behalf.

💔 Narcissists Project Guilt and Shame onto Victims

Narcissists often project their own guilt and shame onto their victims, manipulating them into feeling responsible for the narcissist's bad behavior. This can lead to the victim apologizing for things they didn't do. Magee explains that narcissists are skilled at emotional manipulation, persistently pleading or even getting angry until the victim feels guilty for not tolerating the narcissist's mistreatment.

😡 Narcissists Can Be Vindictive and Nasty

When a narcissist feels exposed or rejected, they can become vindictive. Magee explains that narcissists, feeling entitled, may seek to 'teach their victims a lesson' through damaging property, spreading rumors, withholding support, or other vindictive actions. They will go to great lengths to regain a sense of power and control over their victim.

🌀 Narcissists May Try to Create Trauma Bonds

Magee discusses how narcissists try to maintain or strengthen trauma bonds with their victims, especially when they can no longer exert control. Trauma bonds are created through cycles of abuse and dependency. The victim may feel financially, emotionally, or physically dependent on the narcissist, making it difficult to leave the toxic relationship. Narcissists will use every means at their disposal to maintain this connection and prevent the victim from asserting independence.

💬 Inviting Further Discussion on Narcissistic Behaviors

Magee closes the video by inviting viewers to share their thoughts in the comments and engage in discussions about narcissistic behaviors. He reiterates that there are more aspects of narcissistic behavior that were not covered in the video, and he encourages ongoing conversation. He also thanks the audience for watching and suggests subscribing to the channel for future videos.

Keywords

💡Narcissism

Narcissism is characterized by excessive self-focus, a need for admiration, and a lack of empathy for others. In the video, narcissism is described as a pervasive and constant behavior, involving manipulation, entitlement, and self-absorption. The speaker highlights how these traits become problematic in relationships when the narcissist loses control.

💡Control

Control refers to the narcissist's desire to dominate or manipulate those around them to maintain power. The video discusses how narcissistic individuals react when they lose this control over someone, such as through manipulation, false accusations, or emotional manipulation.

💡Apology

An apology from a narcissist may not be genuine but rather a tactic to regain control. They often apologize only for the consequences they face, rather than for their actions. The video highlights how narcissists may quickly revert to harmful behaviors despite offering apologies.

💡Manipulation

Manipulation is a key behavior of narcissistic individuals, who use it to control others and get their way. In the video, manipulation is described as one of the methods used to coerce, guilt-trip, or shame people into giving them the attention or validation they seek.

💡Gaslighting

Gaslighting is the deliberate act of making someone question their own reality or memories. The video refers to this tactic as a common behavior of narcissists, especially when they twist the words or actions of others to avoid taking responsibility for their own toxic behavior.

💡Projection

Projection is when a narcissist attributes their own negative qualities or behaviors onto their victims. The video discusses how narcissists blame their victims for their own actions and attempt to manipulate them into feeling responsible for the narcissist's bad behavior.

💡Vindictiveness

Vindictiveness refers to the hostile and vengeful behavior narcissists exhibit when they feel slighted or lose control. The speaker explains that narcissists may become consumed by the desire to punish those who no longer submit to their control, even resorting to spreading rumors or becoming violent.

💡Trauma Bond

A trauma bond is a psychological connection between an abuser and their victim, created through cycles of abuse and manipulation. The video discusses how narcissists may attempt to strengthen this bond to maintain control, using emotional dependency or other tactics to make it difficult for the victim to leave.

💡Flying Monkeys

Flying monkeys refer to people that a narcissist recruits to help them maintain control or harass their victims. The video describes how narcissists may manipulate friends, family, or acquaintances into acting on their behalf, often under the guise of concern, to spy on or intimidate the victim.

💡False Accusations

False accusations are a tactic used by narcissists to shift blame or discredit others. The video emphasizes how narcissists may claim that their victims said or did things they never actually did, distorting reality to maintain their power and avoid accountability.

Highlights

Narcissists can apologize, but it's often for the consequences they face rather than the pain they caused.

Narcissists manipulate others to gain attention and validation if it's not given voluntarily.

When narcissists lose control, they might attempt to apologize or reason, but their sincerity is questionable.

Narcissists rarely admit the truth, instead using false accusations and deliberate misinterpretations.

They may use 'flying monkeys'—people from the victim's social circle—to gather information or continue manipulation.

Narcissists project their guilt and shame onto their victims, often making the victim feel responsible.

They may emotionally manipulate victims into feeling sympathy and pity, often using persistent tactics.

Narcissists can become nasty and vindictive when they feel exposed, often spreading rumors or withholding resources.

Some narcissists may escalate to violence or property damage when they lose control.

They often try to create or strengthen trauma bonds to keep the victim dependent or unable to leave.

Narcissists can exploit friendships, family, or group affiliations to maintain influence and appear decent to others.

When a narcissist feels out of control, they might use passive-aggressive tactics like pretending concern for the victim.

Many narcissists have poor self-awareness, so they avoid confronting their own mistakes or toxic behaviors.

After a breakup, narcissists often contact the victim’s social circle to manipulate how others see the situation.

Narcissism is destructive by nature, often destroying relationships from within, and then attempting external damage.

Transcripts

Hello I m Darren Magee and today s topic  comes from many different questions in  

and around the same subject.  What are the common reactions,  

what are the common behaviours of a narcissistic  person whenever their tactics no longer work?  

Whenever you're on to them, whenever  they've been exposed. One way or another,  

what happens when a narcissistic person feels  they no longer have the control over someone that  

they once had. So if you like this video, if you  find it interesting or helpful, please consider  

subscribing to my channel. But just as a reminder,  this video is not a substitute for support from a  

mental health professional nor is it a tool  to be used to diagnose someone. So first of  

all narcissism can be characterised by a sense  of entitlement, there s being self absorbed,  

being disagreeable and either being highly  sensitive or highly resistant to criticism. They,  

they can be exploitative, manipulative, and they  lack of empathy. And yes, let's be honest, we can  

all be a little bit like that from time to time.  But with narcissism, with pathological narcissism,  

what we see is these behaviours are consistent,  they are persistent, they are pervasive. They are  

constant. So what happens when someone  is onto them, someone figures them out  

is a reasonable question to ask, given that they  can be quite vindictive. Sometimes we ve no idea  

how they might react. But if you have been in a  relationship with someone who's narcissistic now,  

when I was a partnership of friendship, or perhaps  you were raised in a narcissistic family, you have  

a fair idea they are not going to react well  once they feel they can no longer control you.  

So to understand that remember that narcissistic  people tend to value themselves based on how  

others admire them and pander to them. They  have a very poor sense of self and very poor  

insight. They need attention and validation and  if others will not give it to them voluntarily,  

or to sometimes the unreasonable standards that  they demand, they will manipulate, coerce, bully,  

guilt trip and shame in order to get it. They  live in an internal world full of envy and shame,  

and the strange thing is they tend to act in  very shameful ways in order to escape that  

feeling of shame. And those behaviours, things  like devaluing, rejecting, punishing, cheating,  

scorning, and so on, these are often the very  things that drive people away. So some of the  

common ways in which they behave whenever they  do lose control over someone is first of all,  

believe it or not, they might actually apologise.  They might actually say they're sorry. And the  

thing is, they probably are, but not necessarily  sorry for the things they ve done or for the pain  

they caused. More often than not, they are sorry  for the consequences that they know face. They are  

sorry that they're being abandoned. They are sorry  that others can now see them as they really are.  

Or there may be an apology, but it comes with  some kind of excuse, such as, It's not me it's  

my anxiety. I can't help it it's my illness. It's  not my fault it's my addiction Or there may be a  

caveat of some kind like, I am sorry, but after  all you did say something ten years ago that I  

found quite offensive . So even if you do get an  apology, and even if it does sound very sincere,  

they tend to last but a moment, a minute, a day,  a week even. They generally go back to doing the  

same things again. The very highly skilled ones  just find a different way of doing the same thing.  

Or it might not necessarily be an apology it might  sound like they're trying to reason with you. So  

imagine someone's going Grey Rock, they re just  giving one word answers, or maybe someone's just  

gone no contact or not responding. They may get  a text or an email and it usually go along the  

lines of, I've no idea what I've done to hurt  you but I'll always love you . Following that,  

you'll get a lot of word salad, and within that  word salad there will be a veiled threat which  

could be summed up as, And I'm going to let  other people know what you're like. By the way,  

I'll always love you . But if you do get a message  like that, or if you do get an apology, you know,  

pleading, tears, maybe you're considering giving  them another chance, well, I'm not going to talk  

you out of it, but what I will ask you to  think about is to draw on your experience.  

How many apologies were there in the past?  Now, there might not have been that many,  

but how many were there? And following  the apology the bad behaviour changed?  

If it didn't change, why do you think it  will this time? Second common behaviour  

is if a narcissist gets caught out they re  generally never going to admit the truth.  

Now if you think about it, if they don't  admit their own errors, misjudgments,  

mistakes, their limits, even to themselves,  they're certainly not going to admit their  

toxic behaviour to you or to anyone else. Instead  there's normally a lot of false accusations. Twist  

things you've said or done. Claim that you  did or said things you never did or said.  

Deliberately, and the keyword being deliberately,  misinterpret you and your intentions. Some are  

very good at this, and if you have been in a  long term relationship with someone like this,  

they have had a long time to fine tune their  manipulation and their gaslighting tactics.  

You might even find yourself doubting yourself.  Especially if it seems like others are believing  

them. Covert narcissists are particularly good at  being very passive aggressive while acting humbly  

and contrite. Thirdly, following a breakup, now  if they hadn't isolated you from your friends  

from your family, from your colleagues, then  maybe they're going to start contacting them and  

it ll usually be something along the lines of, I'm  really concerned about them. I'm really concerned  

about this person. Haven't heard from him in a  long time. I'm worried about them , Or if you were  

part of a club or a group or whatever, they may  suddenly find that they have an interest in it.  

They'll start turning up, showing up. They'll  start getting involved in that sport or that  

group or whatever it is and start mixing with your  friends there. They may even contact your friends,  

your family, invite them over to their place or  go and visit them. Show that they re really decent  

people that are not like how you may have been  painting them to be. And this serves quite a few  

purposes. It's to turn their victims social circle  into their flying monkeys, their agents. To snoop,  

to stalk for them, to feed them information.  It's also a way of intimidating the victim.  

Letting the victim, though they're not quite  safe yet, they are still there. It also serves  

to try and control how other people see them, as  well as how other people are seeing the victim.  

By its nature narcissism is very destructive,  it tends to destroy things from the inside,  

and when it can no longer do that, it tries to  destroy it from the outside. Number four, they  

will project onto their victims. They generally  try to emotionally manipulate their victims into  

taking responsibility for their actions, for their  bad behaviour. Following a breakup of some kind,  

now whether again, whether that's a friendship  or a romantic relationship or whatever,  

all that pain, guilt and shame is now being  dumped onto the victims and they will do  

whatever they have to do to try and manipulate  the victims emotional side so that they will feel  

pity and sympathy for them. My goodness, can  they be persistent. They keep on an on pleading,  

crying, begging, being, being angry until the  victim apologises for how they feel at how they  

were treated, even apologise for not being able to  put up with the crap that they had to go through.  

The expression I often use is they wet the bed and  blamed the blanket . Common behaviour number five,  

they are nasty and they are vindictive. How  dare you see through them. How dare you no  

longer want to put up with their nonsense. Don't  forget, narcissistic people feel very entitled,  

which usually means their victim deserves it and  they can become consumed. Some can become violent  

or may damage property. They may spread vicious  rumours. They may deliberately withhold support,  

resources, information. Anything at all that they  believe will allow them to re-establish some sense  

of power and control over their victims. One way  or another, it's, it's almost like they think they  

have to teach their victims a lesson. And lastly  number six, if they know they can't trick,  

manipulate or threaten anymore, they'll try to  create a trauma bond. Now this can look like a  

pattern of toxic behaviour that is, first  of all, it's normal for the narcissists,  

but for the victim, it becomes normalised. And  it could look like maybe the victim believes  

that they are depend in some high on that  narcissistic person who is abusing them. Maybe  

they are financially dependent. Maybe they have  kids together, there has to be a level of contact.  

Perhaps that person can't leave because their  abuser is dependent on them. Perhaps there is an  

illness or physical condition. If the bond wasn't  there before, that trauma born wasn't there before  

they may try to create one. If it was  there, they'll try to strengthen it somehow,  

use everything within their means to make it  really difficult for the victim to assert any  

kind of autonomy, or to leave. So they are just a  few of the common characteristics and the common  

behaviours of narcissistic people whenever they  feel they are losing control over someone. Now  

as always, there's a lot more I haven't added.  If you want to add that, by all means please  

feel free to use the comment box below, there  are some interesting conversations starting  

around these videos. Now if you like this  video, if you find it interesting or helpful,  

please consider subscribing to my channel  and until next time, thanks for watching.