The anatomy of the narcissistic BOSS

Summary

Dr. Ramen's video explores the dynamics of working with a narcissistic boss, a common yet under-discussed issue. Narcissistic individuals are drawn to leadership positions for the power and control, often proving to be poor leaders due to their lack of responsibility. The video outlines behaviors such as lying, gaslighting, fostering backstabbing cultures, and creating an environment of fear and mistrust. Dr. Ramen emphasizes the importance of documentation in such toxic workplaces and highlights the negative impacts on employee morale, innovation, and career progression. The video serves as a cautionary guide for those dealing with or aiming to avoid such leadership styles.

Takeaways

• 👤 **Narcissistic Leaders' Traits**: Narcissistic bosses often lack integrity, lie frequently, and may promise things they do not intend to fulfill, leading to a toxic work environment.
• 🎯 **Power and Control**: Narcissistic individuals are attracted to leadership positions for the power and control, not necessarily for the responsibility or the betterment of the organization.
• 💔 **Impact on Workplace Culture**: Such bosses can create a culture of fear, mistrust, and backstabbing, where employees feel constantly on edge and demoralized.
• 📜 **Documentation is Key**: Due to the manipulative nature of narcissistic leaders, it's crucial to document interactions and agreements to catch inconsistencies and lies.
• 🎖️ **Grandiose Goals**: Narcissistic bosses set ambitious goals that are more about self-aggrandizement than the success of the organization or team.
• 🤝 **Lack of Team Advancement**: These leaders often do not promote or prepare others for bigger roles, preferring to keep a tight grip on power and control.
• 🚫 **Inhibition of Innovation**: The fear and intimidation in such workplaces can stifle innovation and growth, as employees focus on self-preservation rather than creativity.
• 💔 **Personal Criticism**: Narcissistic leaders often give personal and cruel feedback, which can be demoralizing and counterproductive for personal and professional development.
• 🔄 **Moving Goal Posts**: Promises of opportunities, raises, or resources are frequently made but rarely materialize, with the leader moving the goal posts to keep employees in a state of uncertainty and dependence.
• 🎭 **Charm and Deception**: Initially, narcissistic leaders may charm and deceive new recruits with charisma and false promises, creating a false sense of security and opportunity.
• 🚫 **Career Derailment**: Over time, working under a narcissistic leader can derail careers, leading to long-term disability, burnout, or even departure from the industry.

Q & A

What is the primary focus of the video script?

The video script focuses on discussing the impact and characteristics of having a narcissistic boss in a workplace setting.

Why do narcissistic people often become bosses?

Narcissistic people often become bosses because they are attracted to positions of power and control, not necessarily the responsibilities that come with leadership.

What is the first characteristic of a narcissistic boss mentioned in the script?

The first characteristic mentioned is a lack of integrity, where narcissistic bosses may make promises they don't intend to keep and betray trust.

How does a narcissistic leader's lack of integrity manifest in the workplace?

A lack of integrity in a narcissistic leader can manifest as broken promises, manipulation, and a disregard for the well-being of others in the organization.

What is the significance of documenting interactions with a narcissistic boss?

Documenting interactions with a narcissistic boss is important because it provides evidence of their behavior, which can be crucial in case of disputes or when seeking recourse.

Why do narcissistic leaders often lie and gaslight their employees?

Narcissistic leaders lie and gaslight to maintain control and power, often to cover up their lack of transparency and to manipulate the narrative in their favor.

What is the impact of a narcissistic boss on workplace culture?

A narcissistic boss can create a toxic and backstabbing work culture, where trust is eroded, and employees live in fear and uncertainty.

How do narcissistic bosses handle feedback to their employees?

Narcissistic bosses often give personal and cruel feedback instead of constructive criticism, which can demoralize employees and hinder their growth.

What is the long-term effect of working under a narcissistic leader on an employee's career?

Working under a narcissistic leader can derail and destroy careers, leading to long-term disability, burnout, and even causing some employees to leave their industries entirely.

Why do narcissistic leaders create a culture of mediocrity?

Narcissistic leaders create a culture of mediocrity because they fear being outshined or having their authority challenged, so they promote yes-people who align with their interests rather than fostering innovation.

What advice does the speaker give to those who are dealing with a narcissistic boss?

The speaker advises individuals to consider whether they want to continue serving under a narcissistic boss at the cost of their well-being or if they should seek to leave the situation.

Outlines

00:00

👨‍⚕️ Dealing with Narcissistic Bosses

Dr. Ramen introduces the topic of narcissistic bosses, highlighting the commonality and impact of such relationships in the workplace. He emphasizes that narcissistic individuals are often attracted to leadership roles due to the power and control they offer. The video aims to dissect the dynamics of these relationships, particularly focusing on bosses who can cause significant harm due to their position and power. Dr. Ramen acknowledges that not all leaders are narcissistic but points out that narcissists are disproportionately represented in leadership. He also references Jean Litman, Blumen's work on toxic leadership and suggests that her insights will be expanded upon in the video.

05:01

🔍 Identifying Narcissistic Leadership Traits

This paragraph delves into the characteristics of narcissistic bosses, starting with a lack of integrity. Dr. Ramen explains that narcissists often make promises they don't intend to keep and may use gaslighting to manipulate situations to their advantage. He also discusses the tendency of narcissistic leaders to lie and create an unsafe work environment. The paragraph further explores how these leaders often have grandiose ambitions that are self-serving rather than beneficial to the organization. Dr. Ramen describes how these leaders foster a culture of backstabbing and favoritism, using underhanded tactics to maintain control and power over their subordinates.

10:03

🗣️ The Impact of Narcissistic Leadership on Workplace Culture

The third paragraph examines the negative effects of narcissistic leadership on workplace culture. Dr. Ramen describes how these leaders can create an atmosphere of fear and mistrust, where employees are pitted against each other and innovation is stifled. He talks about the lack of opportunities for growth and advancement under such leaders, as they tend to favor those who enable their behavior rather than those who are truly qualified. The paragraph also touches on the manipulative tactics used by narcissistic leaders, such as 'love bombing' and moving goalposts, which can lead to a culture of mediocrity and a lack of accountability.

15:06

⚠️ Consequences of Toxic Leadership and the Need for Change

In the final paragraph, Dr. Ramen discusses the long-term consequences of working under a narcissistic leader, including the potential for career derailment and mental health impacts. He emphasizes that the toll on an individual's well-being may eventually outweigh the benefits of staying in such a position. Dr. Ramen encourages viewers to consider whether enduring the toxic environment is worth the cost to their soul and suggests that it may be time to leave if the situation becomes untenable. He also mentions his upcoming book, which is set to release in February, and invites viewers to pre-order it.

Keywords

💡Narcissistic Boss

A narcissistic boss is a leader who exhibits traits of narcissism, such as self-importance, lack of empathy, and a constant need for admiration. In the video, Dr. Ramen discusses how these individuals often rise to leadership positions due to their desire for power and control, but they can be detrimental to the workplace due to their lack of integrity and tendency to foster toxic environments.

💡Toxic Work Relationship

A toxic work relationship refers to a professional connection that is harmful and damaging to one's well-being. The video emphasizes that even individuals with healthy personal lives can experience deeply toxic relationships at work, particularly with a narcissistic boss who may indirectly or directly make their life miserable through policies and decisions.

💡Integrity

Integrity, in the context of the video, refers to the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles. Dr. Ramen points out that a lack of integrity is a hallmark of a narcissistic leader, who may make promises they do not intend to keep and engage in manipulative behaviors like gaslighting to avoid accountability.

💡Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation where a person makes someone question their own reality or perceptions. The script describes how narcissistic leaders use gaslighting to undermine their employees' confidence and to maintain control, often by denying or twisting the truth about agreements or workplace conditions.

💡Grandiose Goals

Grandiose goals are exaggerated, ambitious aims that are often self-serving rather than focused on the collective success of the organization. The video script mentions that narcissistic leaders set such goals to inflate their own ego and reputation, rather than genuinely contributing to the organization's growth or well-being of its members.

💡Backstabbing

Backstabbing refers to the act of betraying or undermining someone, often a colleague or team member, to one's own advantage. Dr. Ramen explains that toxic bosses foster cultures where backstabbing is common, as they reward those who share secrets and gossip, creating an environment of mistrust and insecurity.

💡Toxic Leader

A toxic leader is someone who negatively impacts their team or organization through harmful behaviors and attitudes. The video describes toxic leaders as individuals who may present themselves as saviors or heroes but are actually causing low morale and a lack of employee satisfaction, often going unnoticed or unchecked by higher authorities.

💡Cult Leader Tools

Cult leader tools refer to manipulative practices used by individuals to control and influence others, often seen in cults but also applicable to toxic bosses. The script mentions that narcissistic bosses may use such tactics, like collecting 'collateral' or holding secrets over employees, to maintain power and control over them.

💡Fear and Intimidation

Fear and intimidation are emotions used by toxic leaders to maintain control over their subordinates. The video likens the atmosphere created by a narcissistic boss to the 'Dark Eye of Sauron' from Lord of the Rings, where employees live in constant fear of the boss's wrath and try to avoid their attention.

💡Mediocrity

Mediocrity, in the context of the video, refers to the average or second-rate quality of work that becomes prevalent in a workplace under a narcissistic leader. Dr. Ramen argues that such leaders foster a culture where innovation and excellence are stifled, and mediocrity is rewarded, leading to a decline in the overall quality and pride of the organization.

💡Career Derailment

Career derailment describes a situation where an individual's professional progress is halted or severely hindered. The script discusses how narcissistic bosses can have a long-lasting negative impact on employees' careers, causing some to leave their industries entirely or suffer from stress and mental health issues that lead to burnout or long-term disability.

Highlights

Narcissistic individuals often seek leadership positions due to their desire for power and control.

Narcissistic bosses may lack integrity, making and breaking promises without following through.

These leaders can be deceptive, employing gaslighting tactics to manipulate and control their subordinates.

Toxic bosses often have grandiose ambitions that are self-serving rather than beneficial to the organization.

Narcissistic leaders may foster a culture of backstabbing and triangulation, undermining trust within the workplace.

They may use underhanded tactics such as collecting 'collateral' on employees to maintain control over them.

A toxic work environment created by narcissistic leaders can stifle innovation and growth due to fear and intimidation.

Narcissistic leaders may allow or even foster cultures of harassment, violating the rights of employees.

Feedback from narcissistic leaders tends to be personal and cruel, rather than constructive and professional.

These leaders often do not promote others within the organization, maintaining control by keeping others uninformed.

Narcissistic bosses may make false promises of opportunities, raises, or resources that never materialize.

They may use 'love bombing' to recruit or hire individuals, creating a false sense of belonging and family.

Narcissistic leaders can create a culture of mediocrity, discouraging innovation and rewarding only those who align with them.

The stress and mental health impacts of working under a narcissistic leader can lead to long-term disability and burnout.

Narcissistic bosses can derail and destroy careers, with some individuals leaving entire industries due to their experiences.

Despite the negative impacts, narcissistic leaders often receive continued support and second chances from higher authorities.

The decision to stay or leave a toxic work environment under a narcissistic leader should be carefully considered due to the personal toll.

Transcripts

hey everyone it's Dr Ramen here welcome

back to this YouTube channel have any of

you ever had a narcissistic boss raise

your hand mhm that's a lot of hands

let's talk about it we don't talk enough

about what happens when you have a

narcissistic boss I think we all have a

good sense of what happens and for many

of you that narcissistic boss is and has

been at one point in time even if it's

not anymore it was a primary

narcissistic relationship it's not

strange to be a person who had a

perfectly fine

childhood and who was in a perfectly

fine relationship but is in a deeply

toxic work relationship right so that

happens sometimes now we're going to

break this down in different workplace

relationships but in this video we're

going to focus on the bosses because

because they have more power they can

probably do the most harm and this boss

may be someone to whom you directly

report they may be someone several

levels above you they may also be a boss

with whom you rarely interact but who is

indirectly making your life miserable

with the policies and the decisions that

they make now remember narcissistic

people naturally gravitate to leadership

positions they like being the boss they

like being the one with the power and

the control now listen I want to be

clear that's not to say that all people

in leadership are narcissistic that's

not at all true nor does it mean that

people who are drawn to leadership are

narcissistic either some people just

really they believe in something they

won't have that role but narcissistic

people may disproportionately lead into

leadership they want to be the boss

they're often terrible leaders because

being the boss means more responsibility

they don't want the responsibility they

just want the power now there are

different things that make a

narcissistic boss now some of this was

captured by someone named Jean Litman

blumen who wrote about some of these

themes in her book and we will have

links to her book in the video notes for

those of you want to explore it more and

some of what she writes about captures

some of the top notes of what makes a

toxic leader or narcissistic boss right

and I think we can add some things to

her list too so the first thing that she

points out is a lack of Integrity now we

know that Integrity ain't a narcissistic

person strong suit they have none

they claim to have a lot though which in

a way is even worse because they

actually believe that they are honorable

leaders they will make a promise to your

face and then reneg and let's say you

get a little suspicious or have good

instincts and say to that leader hey

great I'm so glad we're in agreement can

we put that in writing that leader will

double down and Gaslight you and say

really you know me better than that do

we need all that nonsense s and the

lawyers and the paper you know I'm good

for it well no they're not they lack all

integrity and by you not getting it in

writing you they will screw you over

they will think nothing of fattening

their bonuses and screwing over people

lower on the hierarchy in the workplace

they will make institutional level

promises and then claim some budget BS

on why they didn't follow through the

lack of Integrity sort of repres

presents a mashup of the narcissistic

leaders natural lack of empathy their

entitlement their callousness they would

sell the family dog if that will get

them what they want now if you think

close your eyes for a minute think about

a toxic boss that you've had you got to

tell me right without exception that

lack of Integrity really stood out to

you and it'll be even more ging because

many a narcissistic leader often leads

on a platform

about what an honorable and ethical

person that they are secondly they

lie and narcissistic leaders lie a lot

so that obviously relates to the lack of

Integrity but it goes deeper they lie

and they gas light a great example of a

toxic leader Gaslight is we all need to

pull together and do more with less to

support the larger vision of our

important work but they're never

transparent about the books and they may

even lie about the numbers they may lie

about policies lie about what they did

lie about what's going on and as a

result people may feel like they're

getting duped out of nowhere and the

workplace just does not feel

safe once again we're back with

documenting right it's for this reason

that documenting the hell out of what

happens in a toxic workplace is so

important especially in real time it's

hard to go go back and remember the

details at a minimum you can document

what they said and then catch them in a

lie but if they're toxic enough it won't

do much toxic leaders will seem to have

big Ambitions and goals that are

grandiose but they aren't about the

larger success of the business or

organization but rather to aize

themselves they'll say the kinds of

things like I'm going to be the CEO who

oversaw more first quarter sales than

any other CEO in this industry it's not

as much about how everyone came together

to make those sales happen it's about

them I'm going to be the one who was the

CEO and it's not just in

business videos that might be up on a

website about the institution whether

it's a university or a hospital or even

a nonprofit will show them as some sort

of Savior in the video short of

everything but a Halo it's here that the

communal narcissistic folks are in their

ground game actually presenting

themselves as the person who will

forever change the world or some such

nonsense all while employee satisfaction

and morale may be really low but that

toxic leader would never noticed that or

would blame those people for their own

misery toxic bosses Foster backstabbing

and triangulated work cultures they play

favorites they reward people for sharing

secrets for Gathering ing gossip and

rewarding the folks who come back with

the dirty Intel toxic and narcissistic

bosses will figure out who they can

silence and will often use what I

typically think of as a cult leader

tools they do things like collect

collateral they figure out an employee

Secrets or they bail that employee out

of a scandal or a tricky position and

hold that over them and forever expect

that person to do their bidding they

basically C cash in on that and really

do have that employee in their thrall

forever narcissistic bosses will turn

people against each other and create a

workplace where ultimately nobody knows

whom they can trust in these workplaces

you may witness employees who do not

make complaints for fear of being in the

boss's crosshairs and that colleagues

who break

rules never face consequences so it gets

very murky very unjust and again very

triangulated narcissistic and toxic

leaders set up a workplace that is kind

of always on edge where the fear of

intimidation is around the next corner

and where most people are

demoralized I'm a Lord of the Rings fan

so I can only liken this to the dark eye

of Sauron remember that on Lord of the

Rings people attempt to avoid the cursed

eye of the toxic boss and will hide and

live in fear of this kind of Boss coming

for them and this kind of workplace can

silence any kind of innovation or growth

because people just want to keep their

heads down and the status Co stable and

keep the leader happy everyone knows in

these kinds of situations it's a matter

of time before they will have to face

the Wrath of the toxic boss or the

people in their Inner Circle and lots of

people people are just sort of trying to

keep it going year over year to make

sure they get their bonus for that year

or don't get

hacked narcissistic leaders allow ow

cultures of harassment and basically

cultures of violating the fundamental

human rights of people who work there

consistently this can mean that people

especially those with less power in a

workplace know that no matter what harm

comes to them that there's no recourse

and any whistleblower in those

situations would be taking a massive

chance I was recently reading a news

story about a woman who had been

harassed for years by a person who was

more senior than her and her

organization she put in numerous

complaints and various people in the

organization just simply doubted her

despite there being a documented history

on the perpetrator past history of

perpetration both in his personal life

and in the workplace the leadership was

so focused on giving this perpetrator a

second chance and it makes you wonder

what the guy at the top of that place

was trying to hide

that this woman had to she that woman

and others in that workplace had to

endure this guy's abuse for years he

kept getting away with it and getting

more and more

emboldened narcissistic leaders don't

know how to give feedback instead of

feedback focused on what you need to

improve or how you were doing the

criticism from a toxic narcissistic

leader tends to be personal and cruel

this can feel awful because not only do

you have no idea what what will lead you

to succeed or improve but you are just

left feeling horrible about yourself and

because of their inappropriate

boundaries it would not be unusual for

them to even share their negative

feedback about you with other

people toxic and narcissistic leaders

also don't sort

of bring up or Advance other people in

the

organization they may have their minions

and their enablers but what they don't

have are people who could step into

important roles narcissistic and toxic

leaders often want a lot of space

between them and the next level down

they are not open with information in a

way that someone else could fully

understand how the organization runs

it's almost like everyone just has a

piece of the story about how the

business or organization runs so it

allows that narcissistic leader leer to

remain squarely in control it may seem

like there are people that that

narcissistic leader favors but make no

mistake even when they do those people

that they favor are simply the people

who do their bidding and they are not

the people who are being prepared for

bigger roles no one is getting prepared

for a bigger role and if there is a

narcissistic leader anyone who is not a

source of Supply who is not the leader's

cheerleader or enabler or flying monkey

will not have access to any

opportunities for growth or advancement

no matter how excellent they

are narcissistic leaders future fake and

move the goal posts back to what we

already said it's because they lack

integrity and they lie and they're

grandiose they don't follow through and

they may keep you on the Chain by a

promise of New Opportunities or other

things that you're hoping for if you're

just patient and gut it out for one more

quarter one more year and they do this

to everyone one work more and then there

might be more raises or bonuses you just

got to work harder with less for a

little while and then there are those

promises of those resources coming or

more staff if you just tough it out but

the promises never materialize and

nothing was ever in writing and you

can't get that year

back narcissistic and toxic leaders also

do things like love bomb basically

especially if they're trying to hire or

recruit you for a position and they'll

tell you nonsense about how it's all of

family and blah blah blah and you may

actually really believe it especially if

it's a company with a good

reputation or in an industry um that's

really hard to break into a high

Prestige industry and the charm and the

Charisma of that narcissistic leader

early on or their accomplishments to

date on paper or Awards they've gotten

at least can leave you thinking for a

time that you're lucky so when you start

seeing those toxic patterns you may

start falling into the maybe it's me

like I mean maybe I'm just not trying

hard enough here or I'm going to prove

this person wrong I'm going to work

harder or you may fall into the shame in

one of these workplaces of feeling

complicit because if you did get into

that toxic Leader's Inner

Circle yeah it might it was heart

survival but there can also be

tremendous self-blame when you realize

the harm this leader is doing and

narcissistic leaders Foster cultures of

mediocrity no matter how hard they ride

everyone nobody wants to take risks

nobody will get credit you learn that

your work will get stolen and if you're

too Innovative well that's going to

threaten the narcissistic Leader's

fragile ego over time the mediocres who

align with the narcissistic leader and

become their yes people are the ones who

are sort of advanced or get more air

time and empty titles or better office

space but because more and more

mediocrities being supported and

advanced what was perhaps once a place

you were proud to work in become sort of

basic and

Hollow narcissistic leaders can derail

and frankly destroy

careers some people may entirely leave

Industries because of it Others May find

that the stress and mental health

impacts meant long-term disability and

burnout others may feel like it is a

replay of Early Childhood Dynamics or a

parallel to what is happening in their

narcissistic relationships at home but

make no mistake these toxic narcissistic

bosses often run rough shod for years

while Boards of directors and trustees

and other leaders who the narcissistic

leader may have managed to charm and

trick or just other stakeholders keep

giving them a free pass a second chance

and embold them emboldening them more

and more and more you're kidding

yourself if you think you can Outlast

the narcissistic leadership at some

point the toll on you will be so great

that the time served is no longer worth

it so you got to ask yourself do I want

to stay in this and keep serving over

pieces of my soul every single year or

do I want to get out if you're lucky you

might be in one of those cases where the

narcissistic boss leaves on your watch

most people aren't that lucky and just

as a reminder my new book comes out in

February you can check it out online and

if you feel so inclined please give it a

pre-order thanks so much