How Consent is More Than Just a Question and an Answer | Cheryl Bradshaw | TEDxQueensU

Summary

The speaker reflects on past experiences of non-consensual encounters, highlighting personal struggles with guilt and confusion. She explains how survival responses like freezing, appeasing, or dissociating occur in unsafe situations, even when consent is verbally given. The talk emphasizes the importance of understanding consent beyond just a verbal agreement, stressing that it requires an environment of safety—legal, social, emotional, and physical. She introduces the concept of survival responses and urges society to teach true consent, aiming to create a future where the #MeToo movement is no longer necessary.

Takeaways

• 🔑 Consent is more than just a verbal 'yes' or 'no'—it requires safety, trust, and clear communication between both parties.
• 🧠 Trauma responses such as freeze, appease, or dissociation occur when someone feels unsafe, which often leads to them not being able to give true consent.
• ❌ Many survivors of non-consensual encounters carry shame and blame themselves for not reacting as they were taught, like yelling or fighting back.
• 💡 The MeToo movement brought to light countless stories where people didn't feel safe or empowered to say 'no,' even when consent was technically asked for.
• 🛡️ Consent must be freely given and enthusiastic, without any pressure, power imbalance, or unsafe dynamics involved.
• ⚖️ The acronym 'HOT SPICE' (Honest, Ongoing, Talked about, Specific, Present moment, Informed, Changeable, Enthusiastic) outlines key elements for true consent.
• 👥 Legal, social, emotional, and physical safety are crucial in any consent situation to ensure a person feels safe enough to give a genuine answer.
• 🚨 Triggers like abandonment, rejection, feeling trapped, helplessness, and loss of control can lead to survival responses instead of true consent.
• 🛠️ Building safety with partners, even in short-term or casual encounters, involves respect, kindness, and healthy communication to avoid coercion.
• 💪 Understanding how the brain and body respond to fear and pressure is essential to fostering an environment where true and complete consent can happen.

Q & A

What is the speaker's initial experience that led to confusion and shame regarding consent?

The speaker shared an experience where a male friend kissed her despite her saying 'no,' although she giggled to keep the mood light. She didn't fight back or say no forcefully, which left her confused and ashamed the next day for not reacting as she had been taught.

How did the speaker’s second experience with a male supervisor affect her understanding of consent?

During her master's degree, her male supervisor took her to an abandoned parking lot and asked to kiss her. Though she said 'yes,' she didn't want to. This experience led to further confusion and shame, as she felt that her inability to say no made her 'defective.'

What pattern did the speaker notice in her work as a psychotherapist when discussing consent with others?

The speaker noticed that many students shared similar stories of consent confusion, where they felt they hadn't been firm enough or had somehow given consent under pressure. The speaker realized that this issue was widespread and not unique to her.

What is the most up-to-date definition of consent according to the speaker?

The most up-to-date definition of consent is 'freely given, enthusiastically affirmative consent,' meaning both parties have the capacity to consent, are not intoxicated, and the consent is enthusiastic and clearly communicated.

What does the acronym 'HOT SPICE' stand for in terms of understanding consent?

'HOT SPICE' stands for: Honest, Ongoing, Talked about, Specific, Present moment, Informed, Changeable, and Enthusiastically affirmative. These elements should all be present for true consent to occur.

How does the speaker challenge the traditional notion that consent is just a question and an answer?

The speaker argues that consent is more than a simple question and answer. It involves a sense of safety, and in the absence of safety, responses may come from a survival mode rather than true consent.

What is the 'survival house' metaphor the speaker uses to explain how the brain reacts to non-consensual situations?

The 'survival house' metaphor divides the brain's reactions into three floors. The top floor is where true consent happens, the second floor is where survival responses like freeze or appease occur, and the bottom floor represents total dissociation and helplessness.

Why might someone give a 'yes' in a situation where they don't actually want to give consent?

A person might give a 'yes' due to survival responses like appeasing or freezing, where they feel unsafe and are simply trying to get through the situation. This can happen when they are trapped, helpless, or trying to avoid escalating the situation.

What are the five main triggers that can cause someone to feel unsafe and unable to give true consent?

The five main triggers are feeling abandoned, rejected, trapped, helpless, or out of control. These triggers can push a person out of the 'top floor' of consent and into survival mode.

What steps does the speaker suggest to create an environment of safety for true consent?

The speaker emphasizes the need to build safety in four dimensions: legal, social, emotional, and physical. This includes fostering trust, respect, and healthy communication, ensuring the other person can express their true desires without fear or pressure.