Adopting a child of a different race? Let's talk | Susan Devan Harness | TEDxMileHigh

Summary

In this powerful talk, the speaker shares her journey as a transracial adoptee, exploring the complexities of identity and belonging. She recounts her experiences of feeling disconnected from her Native American roots and the challenges she faced growing up in a predominantly white community. The speaker advocates for open adoption practices that allow children to maintain connections with their birth families and cultures, emphasizing the importance of understanding one's heritage for mental and emotional well-being.

Takeaways

• 🍀 The speaker fondly recalls childhood memories with her adoptive mother, including searching for four-leaf clovers and the moment she complimented her mother's skin.
• 👶 The speaker has known she was adopted since early childhood and shared this with her friends in a humorous anecdote.
• 🏡 The concept of being removed from her birth family and the lifelong severing of ties is questioned by the speaker, who experienced this as a transracial adoptee.
• 👧 The speaker felt a lack of identity and belonging growing up, not looking like her parents or anyone in her community.
• 💔 A painful childhood memory involved being called a derogatory term by a friend, highlighting the speaker's struggle with racial identity.
• 🎨 A poignant moment where the speaker's adoptive father painted a statue to look like the 'ideal' daughter, revealing his subconscious preferences.
• 🧍‍♀️ The speaker's realization that her achievements and activities couldn't shield her from the reality of being American Indian.
• 👵 The process of reconnecting with her birth family began with a social worker and led to an emotional family reunion.
• 🌐 The speaker discusses the complexities of transracial adoption, acknowledging its benefits but also the high costs to the adoptee's self-esteem and sense of belonging.
• 🌈 The importance of prospective parents asking themselves why they want to adopt, with a critique of superficial or racist motivations.
• 🔓 The speaker advocates for open adoption over closed adoption, emphasizing the importance of identity and belonging for the child.
• 🌟 Examples are given from New Zealand and customary adoption practices that show how both adoptive and birth families can enrich a child's life.

Q & A

What was the speaker's earliest memory of realizing she was adopted?

The speaker's earliest memory of realizing she was adopted was when she was in first grade and her friends asked her where she was born. She replied with her standard response that she was adopted.

Why did the speaker's mother want to find four-leaf clovers?

The speaker's mother wanted to find four-leaf clovers because she believed that finding one would bring luck, as it is commonly associated with good fortune.

How did the speaker describe her experience growing up in a transracial adoptive family?

The speaker described her experience as complicated. She felt a lack of belonging and identity, did not look like her parents or anyone in her community, and faced harsh words and bigotry as she grew older.

What was the significance of the term 'squaw' used by Victor?

The term 'squaw' used by Victor was derogatory and offensive, indicating a negative and disrespectful way of referring to a Native American woman. The speaker knew it wasn't a compliment.

Why did the speaker's father paint the statue of a toddler with blond hair and blue eyes?

The speaker's father painted the statue of a toddler with blond hair and blue eyes because he had always wanted a daughter with those features, reflecting a desire for a stereotypically 'white' appearance.

What did the speaker mean when she said she wanted to find her birth family?

The speaker wanted to find her birth family to understand her heritage, to have someone who looked like her, and to learn what it meant to be American Indian from a personal and cultural perspective.

How did the speaker's adoptive father react when she asked about her real parents?

The speaker's adoptive father reacted with anger, asserting that he and his wife were her real parents and emphasizing their role in providing for her, rather than her biological parents.

What was the impact of the social worker showing the speaker her adoption files?

The impact was significant as it was the first time the speaker saw the names of her birth parents and siblings, which ignited her desire to connect with her birth family.

Why did the speaker feel she couldn't find belonging among the Native American kids in college?

The speaker felt she couldn't find belonging because of her white accent and the way others questioned her identity, labeling her as an 'apple', indicating she was not fully accepted as either white or Native American.

What was the turning point for the speaker in reconnecting with her birth family?

The turning point was when the speaker published an angry response to a letter in the tribal newspaper, signed with her birth name, which led to her birth sisters contacting her.

What does the speaker suggest as a better approach to transracial adoption?

The speaker suggests open adoption as a better approach, where relationships with the birth family are supported and encouraged, allowing the adoptee to have a sense of identity and belonging.

Why is it important for adoptive parents to consider the future needs of the child according to the speaker?

It is important for adoptive parents to consider the future needs of the child because the child will have questions about their origin and identity. The parents are gatekeepers to that information and can choose to provide a closed or open adoption, which significantly impacts the child's mental and emotional well-being.