3 ways to build a happy marriage and avoid divorce | George Blair-West

Summary

In this talk, the speaker discusses the importance of preventing divorce and proposes three life hacks: marrying later in life, sharing power in relationships, and ensuring reliability in partners. The speaker emphasizes that marrying later correlates with lower divorce rates due to factors like tertiary education, higher income, and personality stability. They also highlight the significance of shared decision-making and the ability to rely on one's partner in maintaining a successful marriage.

Takeaways

• 📊 The top three most distressing life events are the death of a spouse, divorce, and marital separation.
• 💍 Marriage, which is listed seventh, is often a precursor to the top three distressing events.
• 🌐 Modern relationships include de facto relationships, common-law marriages, and same-sex relationships.
• 🚑 The current divorce rate affects 45 percent of the population, yet there is no prevention campaign.
• 👥 Policymakers often view attraction and relationship dynamics as uncontrollable, unlike the millennial generation that seeks to understand and improve them.
• 📱 Millennials' screen time and hookup culture have changed the landscape of dating and relationships.
• 🎓 Delaying marriage until later in life is beneficial as it correlates with lower divorce rates and allows for personal growth and stability.
• 🧠 Neuroplasticity research shows the human brain continues to develop until at least the age of 25, affecting decision-making.
• 🤝 Shared power and influenceability in relationships are key to long-term stability and happiness.
• 👨‍👩‍👧‍👦 Men who are influenceable in relationships tend to be better fathers, indicating the importance of equality in decision-making.
• 👵👴 Long-term couples often face separation due to unreliability in old age, highlighting the importance of support and trust.

Q & A

What is the significance of the life stress inventory mentioned in the script?

The life stress inventory is a list developed by psychiatrists Richard Rahe and Thomas Holmes that ranks the most distressing human experiences. It highlights the impact of life events like death of a spouse, divorce, and marital separation, which are significant stressors.

Why is marriage listed as number seven on the life stress inventory list?

Marriage is listed as number seven because it is often a precursor to the more distressing events of divorce, separation, and possibly imprisonment, which are higher on the list.

How has the concept of a long-term relationship evolved since the life stress inventory was created?

The concept of a long-term relationship has evolved to include not just marriages but also de facto relationships, common-law marriages, and same-sex relationships, reflecting a more inclusive view of partnerships.

What is the current divorce rate mentioned in the script, and why is there no prevention campaign?

The current divorce rate mentioned is 45 percent. There is no prevention campaign because policymakers may not believe that aspects like attraction and relationship building are changeable or educable.

How does the speaker suggest millennials approach relationships differently from previous generations?

Millennials are described as being more information-connected, analytical, and skeptical, making more informed decisions about relationships, including a willingness to learn about how to maintain lasting relationships.

What are the three life hacks the speaker suggests for preventing divorce?

The three life hacks suggested are: 1) getting older before getting married to allow for personal growth and stability, 2) ensuring shared power and influenceability in decision-making, and 3) evaluating the reliability and supportiveness of a partner.

Why does the speaker argue that it's beneficial to have sex outside of marriage?

The speaker argues that having sex outside of marriage is beneficial because it allows individuals to experience relationships later in life, which correlates with lower divorce rates.

What is the average age of marriage in Australia according to the script?

The average age of marriage in Australia is now 30 for women and 32 for men.

Why does the speaker say that getting married later in life is helpful?

Getting married later in life is helpful because it allows for tertiary education and higher income, which are associated with lower divorce rates. Additionally, the brain is still developing until at least age 25, and personalities are more stable after age 30.

What does John Gottman's research indicate about shared power in relationships?

John Gottman's research indicates that 81 percent of marriages fail if there is an imbalance of power, suggesting that shared power and influenceability are key to a stable and happy long-term relationship.

How does the speaker define reliability in the context of long-term relationships?

Reliability in long-term relationships is defined by the speaker as a partner's ability to follow through on commitments and provide support and protection when it matters most.

Outlines

00:00

📊 The Stress of Relationships

The speaker begins by discussing the life stress inventory created by psychiatrists Rahe and Holmes, which ranks the most distressing life experiences. Death of a spouse, divorce, and marital separation top the list, with marriage being a common prerequisite for these events. The speaker notes that societal views on relationships have evolved, and now includes de facto relationships, common-law marriages, and same-sex relationships. The speaker emphasizes the importance of preventing divorce, which affects 45% of people, and criticizes the lack of prevention campaigns for divorce. They argue that policymakers don't see relationships as changeable or educable, but millennials are more open to understanding how to build lasting relationships. The speaker introduces three life hacks to prevent divorce, focusing on early intervention before commitment or having children.

05:03

📈 The Benefits of Later Marriage

The speaker discusses the benefits of getting married later in life, citing statistics that show a lower divorce rate for those who marry after the age of 30. They provide three reasons for this trend: tertiary education and higher income, which often come with later marriage; neuroplasticity research indicating that the human brain continues to develop until at least age 25; and personality development, with personalities at age 30 being more predictive of personalities at age 50 than those at age 20. The speaker suggests that waiting to marry can lead to more stable and happy marriages.

10:06

🤝 Shared Power and Reliability in Marriage

The speaker highlights the importance of shared power in a relationship, referencing John Gottman's research that shows 81% of marriages fail if power is not shared. They note that women tend to be more influenceable, while men are often the ones who struggle with this dynamic. The speaker also emphasizes the importance of reliability in a partner, especially as couples age and face illness or other challenges. They suggest that a partner's ability to follow through on commitments and provide support in times of need is crucial for a lasting marriage.

💖 Choosing a Life Partner Wisely

In the final paragraph, the speaker stresses the significance of choosing a life partner wisely, considering both romantic feelings and informed decision-making. They encourage individuals to look for qualities such as shared power and reliability when selecting a partner. The speaker also reassures that these qualities can be developed and improved upon in existing relationships, emphasizing that the decision of choosing a life partner is one of the most important decisions one can make.

Keywords

💡Distressing human experiences

This term refers to events or situations that cause significant emotional or psychological stress. In the context of the video, it's used to introduce the concept of a life stress inventory, which lists the most distressing experiences one might encounter. The video mentions 'death of a spouse' as the most distressing, followed by 'divorce' and 'marital separation', highlighting the impact of these experiences on individuals' lives.

💡Life stress inventory

The life stress inventory is a list created by psychiatrists Richard Rahe and Thomas Holmes that ranks life events by the amount of stress they cause. The video uses this inventory to discuss the prevalence of distressing experiences and how they relate to the institution of marriage, which is ranked seventh on the list but is a prerequisite for the top three stressors.

💡Millennials

Millennials are the generation born between the early 1980s and the mid-1990s to early 2000s. The video discusses how millennials are more analytical and skeptical than previous generations, and they are interested in learning about how to build lasting relationships. This is contrasted with Generation X, which is described as less open to the idea that relationships can be educated or changed.

💡Prevention campaign

A prevention campaign refers to public health initiatives aimed at preventing a particular issue before it occurs. The video questions why there isn't a prevention campaign for divorce, given that it affects a significant portion of the population, and suggests that policymakers may not view relationships as something that can be educated or improved.

💡Hookup culture

The hookup culture is a social phenomenon where individuals meet for casual, often sexual encounters with little or no commitment. The video mentions this culture as a potential factor affecting millennials' face-to-face relationships and contrasts it with the institution of marriage, suggesting that having sex outside of marriage is becoming more common and accepted.

💡Neuroplasticity

Neuroplasticity, also known as brain plasticity, is the brain's ability to change and adapt as a result of experience. The video uses the concept of neuroplasticity to explain why marrying later in life can be beneficial, as the human brain continues to develop until at least the age of 25, meaning one's thoughts and personality are still evolving.

💡Tertiary education

Tertiary education refers to post-secondary education, such as college or university degrees. The video suggests that marrying later allows for the completion of tertiary education, which can lead to higher income and is associated with lower divorce rates.

💡Shared power

Shared power in a relationship means that both partners have an equal say in decision-making. The video cites research by John Gottman, indicating that relationships where couples share power are more stable and happy. This concept is used to argue for the importance of influenceability and respect in a relationship.

💡Influenceable

To be influenceable means to be open to being persuaded or affected by others. The video emphasizes the importance of men being influenceable in relationships, as it correlates with lower divorce rates and better fatherhood. It also suggests that this trait can be evaluated during the dating phase.

💡Reliability

Reliability in the context of the video refers to a partner's dependability and trustworthiness. The video discusses how reliability, or the lack thereof, can be a significant factor in long-term relationships, especially in old age when couples are more focused on caring for each other.

💡Romance

Romance is a feeling of excitement and mystery associated with mutual attraction and love. The video acknowledges the importance of romance in relationships but also stresses the need to combine it with an informed and thoughtful approach to choosing a life partner.

Highlights

The life stress inventory lists the most distressing human experiences, with death of a spouse at number one.

Marriage is a prerequisite for the top three distressing experiences, which include divorce and marital separation.

The speaker includes de facto relationships, common-law marriages, and same-sex relationships in the modern context of marriage.

Prevention is better than cure, yet there's no prevention campaign for divorce affecting 45 percent of people.

Policymakers don't believe that attraction and relationship building can be educated or changed.

Millennials are more analytical and open to learning about long-lasting relationships.

Millennials spend over seven hours a day on devices, which may affect their face-to-face relationships.

The hookup culture and apps like Tinder have made casual sex easier than meaningful conversations for some.

Having sex outside of marriage is seen as a positive development in the context of delayed marriage.

People are getting married later, which correlates with lower divorce rates.

There are three reasons why getting married later is helpful: tertiary education, higher income, and personality stability.

The human brain is still developing until at least the age of 25, affecting decision-making.

Personality at the age of 30 correlates with personality at the age of 50, unlike at the age of 20.

Shared power in relationships is a significant factor in long-term happiness and stability.

Influenceability in men is linked to being outstanding fathers.

Reliability is crucial in long-term relationships, especially in old age.

Couples in long-term relationships may split due to lack of reliability when it matters most.

The most important decision one can make is choosing a life partner and the other parent of their children.

Romance should be complemented with an informed and thoughtful mind when choosing a life partner.

Transcripts

Almost 50 years ago,

psychiatrists Richard Rahe and Thomas Holmes developed an inventory

of the most distressing human experiences that we could have.

Number one on the list? Death of a spouse.

Number two, divorce. Three, marital separation.

Now, generally, but not always,

for those three to occur, we need what comes in number seven on the list,

which is marriage.

(Laughter)

Fourth on the list is imprisonment in an institution.

Now, some say number seven has been counted twice.

(Laughter)

I don't believe that.

When the life stress inventory was built,

back then, a long-term relationship pretty much equated to a marriage.

Not so now.

So for the purposes of this talk, I'm going to be including

de facto relationships, common-law marriages

and same-sex marriages,

or same-sex relationships soon hopefully to become marriages.

And I can say from my work with same-sex couples,

the principles I'm about to talk about are no different.

They're the same across all relationships.

So in a modern society,

we know that prevention is better than cure.

We vaccinate against polio, diphtheria, tetanus, whooping cough, measles.

We have awareness campaigns for melanoma, stroke, diabetes --

all important campaigns.

But none of those conditions come close

to affecting 45 percent of us.

Forty-five percent: that's our current divorce rate.

Why no prevention campaign for divorce?

Well, I think it's because our policymakers don't believe

that things like attraction and the way relationships are built

is changeable or educable.

Why?

Well, our policymakers currently are Generation X.

They're in their 30s to 50s.

And when I'm talking to these guys about these issues,

I see their eyes glaze over,

and I can see them thinking,

"Doesn't this crazy psychiatrist get it?

You can't control the way in which people attract other people

and build relationships."

Not so, our dear millennials.

This is the most information-connected, analytical and skeptical generation,

making the most informed decisions of any generation before them.

And when I talk to millennials, I get a very different reaction.

They actually want to hear about this.

They want to know about how do we have relationships that last?

So for those of you who want to embrace the post- "romantic destiny" era with me,

let me talk about my three life hacks for preventing divorce.

Now, we can intervene to prevent divorce at two points:

later, once the cracks begin to appear in an established relationship;

or earlier, before we commit, before we have children.

And that's where I'm going to take us now.

So my first life hack:

millennials spend seven-plus hours on their devices a day.

That's American data.

And some say, probably not unreasonably,

this has probably affected their face-to-face relationships.

Indeed, and add to that the hookup culture,

ergo apps like Tinder,

and it's no great surprise that the 20-somethings that I work with

will often talk to me about how it is often easier for them

to have sex with somebody that they've met

than have a meaningful conversation.

Now, some say this is a bad thing.

I say this is a really good thing.

It's a particularly good thing

to be having sex outside of the institution of marriage.

Now, before you go out and get all moral on me,

remember that Generation X, in the American Public Report,

they found that 91 percent of women

had had premarital sex by the age of 30.

Ninety-one percent.

It's a particularly good thing that these relationships are happening later.

See, boomers in the '60s --

they were getting married at an average age for women of 20

and 23 for men.

2015 in Australia?

That is now 30 for women and 32 for men.

That's a good thing, because the older you are when you get married,

the lower your divorce rate.

Why?

Why is it helpful to get married later?

Three reasons.

Firstly, getting married later allows the other two preventers of divorce

to come into play.

They are tertiary education

and a higher income, which tends to go with tertiary education.

So these three factors all kind of get mixed up together.

Number two,

neuroplasticity research tell us

that the human brain is still growing until at least the age of 25.

So that means how you're thinking and what you're thinking

is still changing up until 25.

And thirdly, and most importantly to my mind, is personality.

Your personality at the age of 20

does not correlate with your personality at the age of 50.

But your personality at the age of 30

does correlate with your personality at the age of 50.

So when I ask somebody who got married young why they broke up,

and they say, "We grew apart,"

they're being surprisingly accurate,

because the 20s is a decade of rapid change and maturation.

So the first thing you want to get before you get married is older.

(Laughter)

Number two,

John Gottman, psychologist and relationship researcher,

can tell us many factors that correlate with a happy, successful marriage.

But the one that I want to talk about

is a big one:

81 percent of marriages implode, self-destruct, if this problem is present.

And the second reason why I want to talk about it here

is because it's something you can evaluate while you're dating.

Gottman found that the relationships that were the most stable and happy

over the longer term

were relationships in which the couple shared power.

They were influenceable:

big decisions, like buying a house, overseas trips, buying a car,

having children.

But when Gottman drilled down on this data,

what he found was that women were generally pretty influenceable.

Guess where the problem lay?

(Laughter)

Yeah, there's only two options here, isn't there?

Yeah, we men were to blame.

The other thing that Gottman found

is that men who are influenceable

also tended to be "outstanding fathers."

So women: How influenceable is your man?

Men:

you're with her because you respect her.

Make sure that respect plays out in the decision-making process.

Number three.

I'm often intrigued by why couples come in to see me

after they've been married for 30 or 40 years.

This is a time when they're approaching the infirmities and illness of old age.

It's a time when they're particularly focused on caring for each other.

They'll forgive things that have bugged them for years.

They'll forgive all betrayals, even infidelities,

because they're focused on caring for each other.

So what pulls them apart?

The best word I have for this is reliability,

or the lack thereof.

Does your partner have your back?

It takes two forms.

Firstly, can you rely on your partner to do what they say they're going to do?

Do they follow through?

Secondly,

if, for example,

you're out and you're being verbally attacked by somebody,

or you're suffering from a really disabling illness,

does your partner step up and do what needs to be done

to leave you feeling cared for and protected?

And here's the rub:

if you're facing old age,

and your partner isn't doing that for you --

in fact, you're having to do that for them --

then in an already-fragile relationship,

it can look a bit like you might be better off out of it rather than in it.

So is your partner there for you when it really matters?

Not all the time, 80 percent of the time,

but particularly if it's important to you.

On your side, think carefully before you commit to do something for your partner.

It is much better to commit to as much as you can follow through

than to commit to more sound-good-in-the-moment

and then let them down.

And if it's really important to your partner, and you commit to it,

make sure you move hell and high water to follow through.

Now, these are things that I'm saying you can look for.

Don't worry, these are also things that can be built

in existing relationships.

I believe that the most important decision

that you can make

is who you choose as a life partner,

who you choose as the other parent of your children.

And of course, romance has to be there.

Romance is a grand and beautiful and quirky thing.

But we need to add to a romantic, loving heart

an informed, thoughtful mind,

as we make the most important decision of our life.

Thank you.

(Applause)