Increase your self-awareness with one simple fix | Tasha Eurich | TEDxMileHigh

Summary

In this insightful talk, the speaker explores the concept of self-awareness, revealing the power it holds for personal fulfillment and success. Through extensive research and interviews with individuals who've significantly improved their self-awareness, the speaker debunks common misconceptions about introspection and proposes a paradigm shift from asking 'Why?' to 'What?'. This change in approach is shown to foster a clearer understanding of oneself, leading to enhanced relationships, creativity, and leadership. The talk encourages embracing self-awareness as a continuous journey of learning and growth, with the potential to transform one's life.

Takeaways

• 🪞 Self-awareness is the ability to see ourselves clearly, understand our identity, and how we fit into the world.
• 💪 It provides power and comfort, even if we don't always like what we see about ourselves.
• 🤔 Research shows self-aware individuals are more fulfilled, have stronger relationships, and are more creative and confident.
• 📉 Most people overestimate their self-awareness; only 10-15% are truly self-aware, despite 95% believing they are.
• 🦄 The term 'self-awareness unicorns' was used for those who made significant improvements in self-awareness.
• 🔍 Introspection, or self-analysis, is often done incorrectly and can lead to negative outcomes like stress and depression.
• 🤷‍♂️ Asking 'Why?' in introspection can lead to invented answers and a distorted self-perception.
• 🚫 The 'Why?' questions can trap us in the past and prevent us from moving forward.
• 🛣️ Instead of 'Why?', asking 'What?' can help us focus on actions and outcomes, fostering a more productive self-awareness.
• 📈 The word 'what' was used significantly more by self-awareness unicorns, indicating a more effective approach to introspection.
• 🌟 Changing the focus from 'why' to 'what' can help individuals move forward and find genuine self-awareness.

Q & A

What is the main topic of the speech?

The main topic of the speech is self-awareness, its importance, and how to achieve it.

What does the speaker suggest is a common misconception about self-awareness?

The speaker suggests that a common misconception is that introspection, or thinking deeply about oneself, is the best way to achieve self-awareness.

What percentage of people believe they are self-aware according to the speaker's research?

According to the speaker's research, 95% of people believe they are self-aware.

What is the actual percentage of people who are truly self-aware as discovered by the speaker's research?

The actual percentage of people who are truly self-aware is closer to 10 to 15%.

What is the speaker's ground-breaking revelation about achieving self-awareness?

The ground-breaking revelation is that asking 'What?' instead of 'Why?' can lead to genuine self-awareness.

What does the speaker say about the relationship between introspection and mental well-being?

The speaker says that introspection can lead to increased stress, depression, and a decrease in life and job satisfaction.

What is the 'recency effect' mentioned by the speaker?

The 'recency effect' refers to the tendency for recent events to have an unfair amount of weight in our thoughts and judgments.

What is the main difference between 'Why?' and 'What?' questions according to the speaker?

The main difference is that 'Why?' questions can lead to self-deception and a focus on the past, while 'What?' questions help individuals to move forward and understand their present situation and future actions.

What examples does the speaker provide to illustrate the effectiveness of 'What?' questions?

The speaker provides examples of Nathan, Sarah, and Jose, who all used 'What?' questions to overcome challenges and gain self-awareness.

How does the speaker suggest we can all become 'self-awareness unicorns'?

The speaker suggests that by changing the way we ask questions, specifically by asking 'What?' instead of 'Why?', we can all become 'self-awareness unicorns'.

What quote does the speaker use to conclude the speech, and what does it signify?

The speaker uses a quote from Rumi: 'Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I'm wise, so I am changing myself.' It signifies the importance of personal growth and self-awareness over trying to change the world.

Outlines

00:00

🔍 The Quest for Genuine Self-Awareness

The speaker introduces the concept of self-awareness, explaining it as the ability to see oneself clearly and understand one's place in the world. They share the results of extensive research, including surveys, scientific studies, and interviews, which aimed to understand self-awareness's nature, origins, necessity, and ways to enhance it. The speaker humorously refers to individuals with high self-awareness as 'self-awareness unicorns' and reveals a significant discrepancy between perceived and actual self-awareness, indicating that only 10-15% of people are genuinely self-aware. The paragraph sets the stage for a discussion on the misconceptions and realities of achieving self-awareness.

05:02

🚫 The Pitfalls of Introspection

The speaker recounts a surprising discovery about introspection's negative effects on happiness, stress, job satisfaction, and life control, contrary to common assumptions. They delve into a study about widowers that highlights the potential for over-analyzing past events to hinder progress. The speaker challenges the audience's belief in introspection's value by pointing out that self-analysis can lead to invented answers and a distorted self-perception, thus obstructing genuine self-awareness. The paragraph serves as a turning point, suggesting that the common approach to self-reflection may be fundamentally flawed.

10:08

🤔 Rethinking Our Approach to Self-Reflection

Building on the critique of introspection, the speaker introduces an alternative approach to self-reflection by focusing on 'what' rather than 'why.' They share examples from individuals who reframed their introspective questions to be more solution-oriented, leading to positive outcomes in their personal and professional lives. The speaker emphasizes that asking 'what' instead of 'why' can help individuals move forward and gain a clearer understanding of themselves. The paragraph illustrates the power of reframing introspective questions and suggests that this method can lead to increased self-awareness and improved life decisions.

15:10

🌟 Embracing Self-Awareness for a Better Future

In the concluding paragraph, the speaker reflects on the transformative power of self-awareness and the importance of continuously developing it. They advocate for a shift from asking 'why' to 'what,' suggesting that this change can help individuals move beyond past experiences and focus on shaping their future. The speaker shares a personal experience with negative book reviews and how reframing their introspective question led to a healthier perspective. The paragraph ends with a quote from Rumi, emphasizing the wisdom of self-improvement over changing the world, and a call to action for the audience to embrace the journey of self-awareness.

Keywords

💡Self-awareness

Self-awareness refers to the ability to perceive and understand one's own emotions, thoughts, and behaviors. In the video, it is presented as a critical component for personal growth and success, with the speaker discussing its importance and how to cultivate it. It is related to the video's theme as the central concept that the speaker is exploring and advocating for throughout the presentation.

💡Introspection

Introspection is the process of self-examination, where one looks inward to understand their own thoughts and feelings. The video challenges the traditional belief that introspection is the key to self-awareness, revealing through research that it can sometimes lead to negative outcomes such as increased stress and depression. The speaker uses the concept of introspection to illustrate the common misconceptions about achieving self-awareness.

💡Assessment

In the context of the video, an assessment is a tool or method used to measure or evaluate self-awareness. The speaker mentions that their team developed and validated an assessment to identify individuals who are truly self-aware, which is crucial for the research and the message of the video that aims to understand and increase self-awareness.

💡Unicorns

The term 'unicorns' is used metaphorically in the script to refer to the rare individuals who have achieved a high level of self-awareness. This term is used humorously to emphasize the initial skepticism of the researchers about finding such individuals, and it serves as a narrative device to highlight the extraordinary nature of genuine self-awareness.

💡Hurdles

Hurdles, in this context, represent the criteria or challenges that the individuals in the study had to overcome to be considered as having genuine self-awareness. The video uses the metaphor of 'clearing hurdles' to illustrate the rigorous process of identifying truly self-aware individuals, which is central to the research findings.

💡Why

The word 'why' is discussed in the video as a common introspective question that people ask when trying to understand their emotions or actions. However, the speaker argues that asking 'why' can often lead to incorrect conclusions and increased negative emotions, such as depression. The video uses the questioning of 'why' to pivot towards a more effective approach to introspection.

💡What

In contrast to 'why', the speaker promotes the use of 'what' as a more constructive question for introspection. 'What' questions are presented as a way to focus on actions and outcomes rather than dwelling on reasons, which can lead to a more positive and forward-looking mindset. The video provides several examples of individuals who successfully used 'what' questions to improve their self-awareness and life situations.

💡Stress

Stress is mentioned in the video as one of the negative consequences of excessive introspection. The speaker's research found that people who spend more time introspecting tend to be more stressed, which challenges the assumption that introspection is universally beneficial. The concept of stress is used to highlight the potential pitfalls of the introspective process.

💡Depression

Depression is another negative outcome associated with excessive introspection, as discussed in the video. The speaker cites research showing that people who introspect more are also more likely to be depressed, using this to argue for a reevaluation of the typical approach to self-reflection and self-awareness.

💡Recency Effect

The recency effect is a psychological phenomenon where the most recent events or experiences have a disproportionate influence on one's judgment. In the video, the speaker uses the recency effect to explain how asking 'why' can lead to skewed self-perceptions and incorrect conclusions about one's life and relationships.

💡Rumi

Rumi is a well-known 13th-century Persian poet, and his quote is used in the video to encapsulate the message of self-awareness and personal growth. The speaker cites Rumi to emphasize the importance of focusing on self-improvement rather than trying to change the world, which aligns with the video's theme of introspection and self-awareness.

Highlights

The importance of self-awareness in personal and professional life, including fulfillment, stronger relationships, creativity, confidence, better communication, and effective leadership.

The common misconception that 95% of people believe they are self-aware, while the actual percentage is closer to 10-15%.

The rigorous research methodology involving surveys, analysis of scientific studies, and in-depth interviews with individuals who made significant improvements in self-awareness.

The introduction of the term 'self-awareness unicorns' to describe the rare individuals who exhibit genuine self-awareness.

The criteria for identifying truly self-aware individuals, including self-assessment, agreement from someone who knows them well, and a demonstrated increase in self-awareness over time.

The finding that introspection, commonly believed to enhance self-awareness, may actually lead to increased stress, depression, and dissatisfaction.

The revelation that asking 'Why?' in introspection can often lead to invented answers and a distorted self-perception.

The psychological experiment involving pantyhose preferences that demonstrates people's tendency to invent reasons for their choices.

The concept of 'the recency effect' and how it can skew self-perception and introspection, leading to an inaccurate understanding of oneself.

The shift in focus from asking 'Why?' to 'What?' as a more effective approach to introspection and enhancing self-awareness.

Examples of individuals who successfully applied the 'What?' approach to overcome challenges and improve their self-awareness.

The personal experience of the speaker who, after negative feedback on her book, shifted her introspective question from 'Why?' to 'What?' and found a more positive perspective.

The idea that self-awareness is not a fixed trait but a skill that can be developed daily through conscious effort.

The encouragement for everyone to become 'self-awareness unicorns' by recognizing and committing to the importance of self-awareness in their lives.

The powerful quote from Rumi that emphasizes the wisdom of self-improvement over changing the world.

The overarching message that self-awareness is crucial for navigating the complexities of life and achieving personal growth and success.

Transcripts

Translator: Silvija Mazurenko Reviewer: Cihan Ekmekçi

Tennessee Williams once told us,

"There comes a time when you look into the mirror

and you realize that what you see is all you'll ever be,

and then you accept it or you kill yourself,

(Laughter)

or you stop looking in mirrors."

(Laughter)

And speaking of mirrors, someone else once said,

"If we spend too much time scrutinizing what's in our rearview mirror,

we're certain to crash into a light post.''

I've spent the last four years of my life studying people who look in mirrors,

rearview and otherwise in their search for self-awareness.

I wanted to know what self-awareness really is,

where it comes from,

why we need it,

and how to get more of it.

My research team surveyed quantitatively thousands of people.

We analyzed nearly 800 scientific studies.

And we conducted dozens of in-depth interviews

with people who made dramatic improvements in their self-awareness.

Now, initially,

we were actually so worried that we wouldn't find any of these people

that we called them self-awareness unicorns.

(Laughter)

True.

But thank goodness, we did find them.

Because what these unicorns taught me

would create a ground-breaking revelation

for how all of us can find genuine self-awareness.

And that's what I want to share with you.

Today, I want you to reflect on how you're reflecting.

I know that's a mouthful.

And to get there, we're going to need to shatter

one of the most widely held beliefs about finding self-awareness.

But first things first.

What is this thing we call self-awareness anyway?

It's the ability to see ourselves clearly,

to understand who we are, how others see us

and how we fit into the world.

Self-awareness gives us power.

We might not always like what we see,

but there's a comfort in knowing ourselves.

And there's actually a ton of research

showing that people who are self-aware are more fulfilled.

They have stronger relationships.

They're more creative.

They're more confident and better communicators.

They are less likely to lie, cheat, and steal.

They perform better at work and are more promotable.

And they're more effective leaders with more profitable companies.

In the world of self-awareness, there are two types of people:

those who think they're self-aware,

(Laughter)

and those who actually are.

It's true.

My team has found that 95% of people think they're self-aware,

(Laughter)

but the real number is closer to 10 to 15%.

You know what this means, don't you?

(Laughter)

It means that on a good day - on a good day -

80% of us are lying to ourselves

(Laughter)

about whether we're lying to ourselves.

(Laughter)

Pretty scary, right?

So you can imagine the challenge we had in figuring out who was truly self-aware.

What do you think would've happened if I had said,

"Hey! How self-aware are you?"

Exactly.

So to be part of our research, our unicorns had to clear four hurdles.

They had to believe they were self-aware

as measured by an assessment my team developed and validated.

Using that same assessment, someone who knew them well had to agree.

They had to believe

that they'd increased their self-awareness in their life,

and the person rating them had to agree.

We found 50 people

out of hundreds and hundreds and hundreds who met our criteria.

They were professionals, entrepreneurs, artists, students, stay-at-home parents.

And we didn't find any patterns by industry, age, gender

or any other demographic characteristic.

These unicorns helped my team discover a most surprising truth.

That approach you're using to examine

your thoughts, your feelings, and your motives,

you know, introspection.

Well, you're probably doing it -

there's no easy way to say this -

you're probably doing it totally wrong.

Yes, there is a reason so few of us are self-aware.

So let me tell you about the evening

that I first discovered the ugly truth about introspection.

It was about 10 p.m. on a beautiful Colorado spring evening.

And I was in my office,

hopped up on Diet Coke and Smartfood popcorn.

(Laughter)

And I just analyzed a set of data,

and to say that I was surprised would be an understatement.

My team and I had just run a simple study

looking at the relationship between introspection

and things like happiness, stress and job satisfaction.

Naturally, the people who introspected would be better off.

Wouldn't you think so?

Our data told the exact opposite story.

People who introspected were more stressed and depressed,

less satisfied with their jobs and their relationships,

less in control of their lives.

I had no idea what was going on.

And it got worse.

These negative consequences increased the more they introspected.

(Laughter)

So I was quite confused.

Later that week, I ended up coming across a 20-year-old study

that looked at how widowers adjusted to life without their partners.

The researchers found

that those who try to understand the meaning of their loss

were happier, less depressed one month later,

but one year later, were more depressed.

They were fixated on what happened instead of moving forward.

Have you been there?

I have.

Self-analysis can trap us in a mental hell of our own making.

So things were starting to make sense.

Now, you Die Hard self-awareness fans

and particularly introspection fans in the audience might be thinking,

"Sure, introspection may be depressing,

but it's worth it

because of the insight it produces."

And you're right.

I'm not here today to tell you

that the pursuit of self-awareness is a waste of time.

Not at all.

I am here to tell you that the way you're pursuing it doesn't work.

Here is the surprising reality:

Thinking about ourselves isn't related to knowing ourselves.

So to understand this,

let's look at the most common introspective question:

"Why?"

We might be searching for the cause of a bad mood.

Why am I so upset after that fight with my friend?

Or we might be questioning our beliefs.

Why don't I believe in the death penalty?

Or we might be trying to understand a negative outcome.

"Why did I choke in that meeting?"

Unfortunately, when we ask "Why?"

it doesn't lead us towards the truth about ourselves.

It leads us away from it.

There are so many reasons this is the case.

Today I'll give you two.

Here is the first reason we shouldn't ask why:

Researchers have found

that no matter how hard we try,

we can't excavate our unconscious thoughts, feelings and motives.

And because so much is hidden from our conscious awareness,

we end up inventing answers that feel true but are often very wrong.

Let me give you an example.

Psychologists Timothy Wilson and Richard Nisbett set up a card table

outside their local Meijers thrifty store in Ann Arbor, Michigan.

And on that card table, they laid out four identical pairs of pantyhose.

And they asked the people walking by to pick their favorite.

(Laughter)

Now, consumer research shows that people tend to prefer products on the right.

And that's exactly what happened.

Even though every pair was identical,

people chose pair D at a rate of four to one.

And when asked why they have chosen the pair they had,

they confidently declared that pair D was just better.

(Laughter)

And even - get this -

even when the researchers told them about the effect of positioning,

they refused to believe it.

The second reason asking "Why?" is a bad idea

is that it leads us away from our true nature.

We like to think of our brains as supercomputers

rationally analyzing information and arriving at accurate conclusions.

Unfortunately, that's not what happens.

Let's do a quick exercise that's based on another classic psychology study.

So if I were to ask you to make a list

of all the reasons your romantic relationship was going the way it was,

what would you say?

Let's say that in general your relationship is pretty awesome.

But let's just pretend that yesterday

you happened to get in a huge fight

about the proper way to load the dishwasher.

(Laughter)

Really bad.

Now, because of something called "the recency effect,"

this is going to carry an unfair amount of weight.

You might start thinking of things like, "I am so sick of his mansplaining!"

(Laughter)

Or you might think,

"Why the hell does it matter so much how I load the dishwasher?"

And before you know it,

you're thinking your relationship isn't going so well.

(Laughter)

Asking "Why?" created "alternative facts."

(Laughter)

And over time, this leads us away from who we really are.

It clouds our self-perceptions.

So you might be wondering

if asking "Why?" makes us depressed, over-confident and wrong;

it's probably not going to increase our self-awareness.

But don't worry.

I'm not here today to tell you to stop thinking about yourselves.

I am here to tell you to start doing it just a little bit differently.

So if we shouldn't ask "Why?" then, what should we ask?

Do you remember our self-awareness unicorns?

When we looked at how they approached introspection, we found the answer.

We analyzed literally hundreds of pages of transcripts,

and we saw a very clear pattern.

Although the word "why" appeared less than 150 times,

the word "what" appeared more than 1000 times.

Let me give you a few examples.

Nathan, a brand manager,

got a terrible performance review from his new boss.

Instead of asking, "Why are we like oil and water?"

he asked,

"What can I do to show her I'm the best person for this job?"

It changed everything.

People now point to Nathan and his boss

as proof that polar opposites can work together.

Sarah, an education leader, was diagnosed with breast cancer in her late 40s.

And when she asked, "Why me?"

she said it felt like a death sentence.

So then she asked,

"What's most important to me?"

This helped her define

what she wanted her life to look like in whatever time she had left.

She's now cancer free

and more focused on the relationships that mean the most to her.

Jose, an entertainment industry veteran, hated his job.

And instead of getting stuck, what most of us would do,

and ask, "Why do I feel so terrible?"

he asked, "What are the situations that make me feel terrible,

and what do they have in common?"

He quickly realized that he would never be happy in this job,

and it gave him the courage

to pursue a new and far more fulfilling career path as a wealth manager.

So these are just three examples

of dozens of unicorns that asked "What?" instead of "Why?"

Do I have any Nathans or Sarahs, or Joses in the room?

I'll add one more: Tasha.

So earlier this year, I published a book about all of this,

which I am so proud of.

But one day, for some unknown reason,

I did what every author is never supposed to do.

I read my Amazon reviews.

(Laughter)

And, you guys, it was devastating.

I asked, "Why are people being so mean to me

about a book that I spent thousands of hours researching

and wrote to make their lives better?"

Right?

I fell into a spiral of self-loathing.

It was honestly one of the low points of my life.

A couple of weeks went by,

and it dawned on me

that maybe I should take my own advice.

(Laughter)

So I tried a different question.

I asked, "What about all those people

who were telling me that my book has helped them change their lives."

What a different outcome.

So no, I wasn't doing it right either.

This is not an easy world, is it?

Not at all.

(Laughter)

She knows, we all know.

But I have seen so much evidence

that self-awareness gives us a much better shot

at finding happiness and success in this crazy world.

To start, we just need to change one simple word.

Change "why" to "what."

Why-questions trap us in that rearview mirror.

What-questions move us forward to our future.

As human beings, we are blessed with the ability to understand who we are,

what we want to contribute, and the kind of life we want to lead.

Remember, our self-awareness unicorns had nothing in common

except a belief in the importance of self-awareness

and a daily commitment to developing it.

That means we can all be unicorns.

The search for self-awareness never ever stops.

Life goes on.

It's up to us to choose to learn and grow

from our mistakes and our tragedies, and our successes.

One of the best quotes I've ever heard on this subject is from Rumi.

He said, "Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world.

Today I'm wise, so I am changing myself."

Thank you very much.

(Applause)