The #1 Sign That Relationship WON'T LAST... | Esther Perel
Summary
TLDRThis script discusses the critical factors that can lead to the deterioration of relationships, such as indifference, contempt, neglect, and violence. It emphasizes the importance of desire and how it's crucial for maintaining a long-term relationship. The speaker highlights the rapid societal changes affecting sexual dynamics and the challenges of sustaining desire. They suggest that fostering appreciation, gratitude, individual space, and admiration can help nurture and maintain a healthy relationship.
Takeaways
- 💔 **Indifference**: A lack of care or interest in one's partner can lead to the deterioration of a relationship.
- 😖 **Contempt**: Treating one's partner with disrespect or degradation is one of the most damaging behaviors in a relationship.
- 🚫 **Neglect**: Taking one's partner for granted and not prioritizing the relationship can lead to complacency and laziness.
- 🤕 **Violence**: Any form of disrespect, including microaggressions, can harm a relationship by fostering a sense of fear or resentment.
- 👥 **Importance of Feeling Valued**: In relationships, individuals need to feel that they matter and are cared for by their partners.
- 👶 **Learning from Family**: Early life experiences with parents or caregivers shape our understanding of relationships and how we behave in them.
- 👩❤️👨 **Desire and Relationships**: Desire is a critical component of long-term relationships and is linked to the overall quality of the relationship.
- 🌸 **Role of Erotic Desire**: Erotic desire is essential for maintaining sexual interest and connection in long-term partnerships.
- 💡 **Creativity in Relationships**: To keep a relationship vibrant, it's important to be creative and bring novelty and playfulness into the dynamic.
- 🙏 **Gratitude and Appreciation**: Expressing gratitude and appreciation for one's partner can significantly enhance the relationship.
- 🏠 **Individual Space**: Allowing for individual space and interests can contribute to a healthier and more satisfying relationship.
Q & A
What are the four cornerstones of relationship demise mentioned in the transcript?
-The four cornerstones of relationship demise mentioned are indifference, contempt, neglect, and violence.
How does indifference manifest in a relationship?
-Indifference is when one person starts to fundamentally not care about the other, leading to a loss of interest and a sense of estrangement.
What is meant by 'neglect' in the context of a relationship?
-Neglect refers to taking one's partner for granted, where people may prioritize other aspects of their life over their partner, leading to complacency and laziness.
How does violence differ from microaggressions in relationships?
-Violence can range from physical harm to verbal abuse and microaggressions, which are subtle, often unintentional, discriminatory actions or comments that communicate hostile messages to certain individuals.
What is the significance of contempt in relationships?
-Contempt is considered the most damaging as it involves the degradation of the partner, making them feel worthless and unimportant, which can be very harmful to the relationship.
How does the concept of desire relate to the challenges in long-term relationships?
-Desire is a key factor in maintaining long-term relationships. A decrease in desire can lead to feelings of indifference or neglect, which are challenges to the relationship.
What role does sexual desire play in the longevity of relationships?
-Sexual desire is crucial for the erotic connection and intimacy in relationships. Maintaining desire over the long term is a challenge that many couples face.
Why is it important to sustain desire in long-term relationships?
-Sustaining desire is important because it contributes to the erotic connection, intimacy, and overall satisfaction in a relationship, which are essential for its longevity.
How does the concept of 'pacing' relate to seduction and desire?
-Pacing in seduction refers to the playful dance of approaching and retreating, creating a sense of anticipation and excitement, which can increase desire.
What does the speaker suggest as a way to maintain desire in a relationship?
-The speaker suggests maintaining desire by creating a sense of playfulness, mystery, and risk-taking, as well as ensuring that both partners feel appreciated and valued.
Why is it important to show appreciation and gratitude in a relationship?
-Showing appreciation and gratitude helps to make a partner feel valued and acknowledged, which can strengthen the bond and enhance the quality of the relationship.
Outlines
💔 Destructive Dynamics in Relationships
The paragraph delves into the core issues that can lead to the deterioration of a relationship. The speaker identifies four main factors: indifference, contempt, neglect, and violence. Indifference is characterized by a lack of care and interest in one's partner, leading to estrangement. Contempt involves degrading the partner and seeing them as insignificant. Neglect is when one takes their partner for granted, similar to how one might care more for their car or dog than their partner. Violence encompasses not only physical harm but also verbal abuse and disrespect. The speaker also touches on how these behaviors can stem from childhood experiences and how they can be passed down through generations, affecting how individuals interact in their romantic relationships.
👶 Childhood Influences on Adult Relationships
This section of the script discusses how early childhood experiences shape adult relationships. The speaker points out that people often unknowingly replicate the behaviors they observed in their parents, such as closeness, trust, loyalty, and even jealousy and possessiveness. They may promise themselves not to act like their parents, but often find themselves doing so, leading to feelings of shame and blame towards their partners. The paragraph also highlights the rapid changes in sexual attitudes and behaviors over the past 60 years, influenced by the women's movement and the recognition of sexuality as an aspect of identity and lifestyle. The speaker emphasizes the importance of desire in maintaining long-term relationships and how it has become a challenge to keep desire alive with one partner over an extended period.
🌹 Reviving Desire in Long-Term Relationships
The speaker explores the concept of desire in long-term relationships, emphasizing that it is rooted in wanting rather than needing a partner. They discuss how small acts of thoughtfulness and the creation of an erotic space can enhance intimacy. The paragraph also addresses the differences in how men and women experience desire and the importance of confidence as a turn-on. The speaker suggests that maintaining desire involves creating a balance between caretaking and playfulness, and being alive and vibrant. They recommend engaging in activities that make one feel good about themselves and being in their element, which can naturally increase attraction to their partner.
🍽 The Importance of Everyday Gestures in Relationships
In this paragraph, the speaker stresses the significance of daily actions in nurturing a relationship. They advocate for premeditated commitment to spending quality time with a partner, suggesting that this can lead to more spontaneous and meaningful connections. The speaker also talks about the importance of emotional risks, such as presenting a different side of oneself to a partner to keep the relationship fresh. They mention the need for curiosity and gratitude in a relationship, and how small gestures like writing a note or expressing thanks can foster appreciation and prevent feelings of boredom.
🤝 Fostering Quality Relationships Through Appreciation and Individuality
The final paragraph focuses on the importance of appreciation, gratitude, and individual space in maintaining healthy relationships. The speaker argues that people should not take their partners for granted and should express their gratitude regularly. They also emphasize the need for individuals to have their own interests and friendships outside of their romantic relationships to avoid placing too much pressure on one person to fulfill all emotional needs. The speaker concludes by suggesting that the quality of life is heavily influenced by the quality of relationships and that investing effort into these relationships is as important as investing in one's career or business.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Indifference
💡Contempt
💡Neglect
💡Microaggressions
💡Desire
💡Erotic Desire
💡Monogamy
💡Seduction
💡Confidence
💡Playfulness
💡Curiosity
Highlights
The four cornerstones of relationship demise are indifference, contempt, neglect, and violence.
Indifference can lead to estrangement and a complete disconnect in a relationship.
Neglect is taking each other for granted, often manifesting as caring more for material possessions than for one's partner.
Violence in a relationship can range from microaggressions to full-blown aggression and resentment.
Contempt is the most damaging as it involves the degradation of the other person's worth.
People often repeat relationship patterns they learned from their parents or caregivers.
Desire in relationships is rooted in wanting to feel alive and vibrant.
Confidence is the biggest turn-on and is key to maintaining desire in a relationship.
Women's desire often plummets in long-term relationships due to a lack of interesting sexual experiences.
Men's desire in long-term relationships tends to remain stable and is more about the experience itself.
Desire is about wanting, whereas love is about needing.
Creating a sense of mystery and risk can help sustain desire in a relationship.
Couples should aim to create their own incentive systems to improve the quality of their relationships.
Appreciation and gratitude are essential for maintaining a strong connection with one's partner.
Giving each other individual space allows for personal growth and can strengthen a relationship.
Admiration for one's partner's otherness can enhance the depth of a relationship.
Finding multiple sources of connection and friendship can reduce the burden on one partner to fulfill all needs.
Transcripts
what are the core
uh reasons or the core things you see
over and over that
uh either end or make a relationship
challenging to be in
the longer end what are the what are the
ones that what are the challenges that
come up over and over that you see
so there's always three questions right
what's a driving relationship
a thriving one yeah what can go wrong
and how do you fix it okay so you
started with the middle question
what goes wrong
i think there's a number of things in a
relationship that that uh
that become just the kind of uh
cornerstones of the demise okay and i'm
not gonna lease them in order but they
all
are part of each other um
indifference and contempt
and neglect and violence are probably
the four
most important okay i'm not talking
about big violence microaggressions are
plenty
indifference when you start to feel like
the other person fundamentally is not
really caring about you anymore
or you don't care about them what they
feel what they think who they are what
they're about
don't care you've lost interest but it's
more than losing of
interest it's also when you are doing
different you degrade the other person
they're less important to you they don't
matter and ultimately what we feel in
relationships is that we matter
that is the essential reason for
connecting to people is that we are
creatures of meaning
right i matter to you i'm someone you
care about me
you want my mail you want my well-being
you're proud of me
you you want good for me you're
benevolent
all of that when you are indifferent the
whole thing goes
and then you start to this that coldness
that creeps in that sense of
estrangement that complete disconnect
that the second one is neglect neglect
when people just basically take each
other for granted
you know i they take more care of their
car than of their partner
their dog or their dog anybody anything
their yard anything
anything gets attendants their business
for sure
their business for sure you know
everything gets priority everything gets
reviewed evaluated attended to
360s you name it you know new input
my god it's like people have this idea
that they put it all in
when they were dating and then once they
seal the knot
it's like as if they tied the knot it's
like now they don't have to do squat
anymore and they go into this kind of
complete sense of complacency and
laziness
it's an amazing thing they think this
thing is just going to live on its own
right like a cactus right violence
violence the abuse the level of of
disrespect i mean
most people talk nicer to anybody else
than their partner when a relationship
because you can't get away with it
because you can't get away with it
because if you talk like this at work
you're gone
because if you talk like this with the
police you're gone because if you talk
like this on the street you're being
punched
but with your partner you have that
sense that they're gonna be there anyway
they're just gonna take
it because it's family and family is
this kind of
this thing that doesn't dissolve so
easily so you can just
lash out at them and talk to them with a
tone
and a dismissal that is phenomenal so
that kind of violence i'm not talking
physical violence and all the other big
big things you're talking about
aggression or resentment or
all of that yeah all of that you know
passive aggressiveness all those things
yeah
all of that and then and then um
contempt i think is the top one
the contempt is the killer of them all
because
in in the contempt there is a real
there's the degradation of the race
is that that complete this you're
nothing you're nothing
i can kill you with that one guess that
one eyebrow that goes up
you know stuff do you who do you think
you are what are
and that's it you you're done you're
done so how do we even get to this place
of these
these places after having been so in
love and so romantic right
is desire uh reflect that or if we're
not desiring the person anymore then we
start to feel one of those
categories or does that not play into
look the truth is this there's only two
relationships
that resemble each other the one you
have with your parents
or the people who raise you and the one
you have with the people
you fall in love with people can sit in
my office
all the time and say i have this with no
one else i don't have this with anybody
at work
nobody among my friends ever thinks like
that you're the only one who speaks like
this or thinks this about me or with
whom i do this
no you're the only one and now we go
back in history
and i'm sorry to be the psychologist but
that's really
it is the place where we often learned
about closeness
trust loyalty commitment sharing
taking receiving asking all these
essential verbs of relationships we
learned that at home
we also learned jealousy and
possessiveness vengeance
you name them the beauty and the not
beauty yeah we saw it all as children
right we saw the fights we saw the love
we saw the
you know we saw the coldness the lack of
intimacy the intimacy yes
yes and we bring that with us and we
often promise ourselves i'll never be
this one
i'll never be this way i'll never talk
like this i'll
you know and we find ourselves often
much
closer to the apple and then presenting
ourselves to the tree
we resent ourselves we're like how do we
do that well why don't we get to this
place and then we feel ashamed about it
and since we don't like to feel ashamed
about it we hide it
and one of the way we hide it is we
blame the partner
that's just one of the ways there's a
lot we are very resourceful in not
owning our
right exactly exactly wow okay
um and where does sex play in all this
and desire
so i mean the one of the fascinating
things for me
in looking at sexuality is that it's
probably
one of the dimensions of relationship
that has changed the most
in a very very short amount of time for
most of history
and it's still the majority of the world
sex is for procreation
sex is a marital duty on the part of the
woman nobody cares particularly if she
likes it and how she feels and if she
wants it
and um and men have the privilege to go
and find sex elsewhere in a very short
amount of time we're talking 60 years
we have contraception which is the
liberation
of women for the first time to free sex
from reproduction from mortality
from death in pregnancy and in
childbirth sorry
all of that and for the first time
sexuality moves from just biology and a
condition
to a part of our identity and a
lifestyle in 60 years
in 60 years the women's movement which
goes
after the abuses of power the gay
movement
which introduces the concept of identity
to sexuality
the fact that sex is for connection and
pleasure the fact that for the first
time we have sex
before marriage and many times a lot we
used to marry and have sex for the first
time
now we marry and we stop having sex with
others
okay monogamy used to be one person for
life
now monogamy is one person at a time and
people go around telling you i'm
monogamous in all my relationships
and it makes perfect sense to me okay
for sure
all of that in a very short amount of
time the fact that i choose you to marry
or to live together doesn't matter
commitment
because i'm attracted to you because you
give me butterflies in my stomach
and the fact that i think that if i
don't have these butterflies anymore
maybe i don't love you anymore
and the fact that sexuality in long-term
relationships
is rooted in one thing only desire i
feel like it
i want to not i have to not we want many
kids
after two kids the only reason to
continue doing it with you is because we
feel like it's right it's fine
it's pleasurable we connect it feels
good it runs
our relationship the whole thing that's
it and hopefully it's at the same time
and for each other
because plenty of desire continues but
it's not always at home
right exactly so this is an amazing
revolution
sex that's confusing all of us and how
do we sustain it so that's why i became
fascinated in
the nature of erotic desire and how do
we sustain desire because it is the
first time
ever that we have a grand experiment of
the human kind where we
want sex with one person in the long
haul
that is fun and connected and intimate
and playful
and we live twice as long go figure
right exactly
for 60 years you're going to be with it
or whatever it is yeah it's an amazing
idea so how do we navigate this if we're
going to choose one partner
and be with them until you know we're
both gone how do we navigate the
challenge of
keeping the desire continuously
i think both men and women because the
woman probably sees other men who are
attracted to her
and you know vice versa so it's like how
do both parties do this look
we know that women get bored with
monogamy much sooner than men
wow it's a factor that's research
okay that's not just fact that's uh that
is men's desire
in long-term relationship goes down
gradually
he actually is much more able to remain
interested
and maybe just because he's interested
in the experience itself and he has a
partner there
women's desire post-marriage wow
and it's always been translated as well
that's because women care less about sex
rather than it's because women care less
about the sex that they can have
in their committed relationships which
is often not interesting enough for them
and it often has to do with the fact
that the story the character the plot
is not in it's not seductive the romance
which is an
essential ingredient of turn on for the
woman
often disappears in the long-term
relationship it's like
people look at each other at the end of
the day and you want to fool around you
want to do it
you're up for it tonight now this is
really not this is
not very much of a turn on for most
women
and the idea that foreplay often starts
at the end of the previous orgasm
you know and not five minutes before the
real thing right which for her is not
the real thing the whole the real thing
is
everything else so it's essentially the
game yes
it's creating a game seduction it's a
plot it's a coming close it's a team
mystery
it's what animals call pacing it's that
i come to you but i don't overwhelm you
i come just a little bit so that you can
come a little bit toward me and then i
don't immediately after i actually go
back a little bit too
have you ever seen animals they do this
kind of pacing
and it is an essential playful
ingredient
of seduction and and excitement
so women's desire plummets but
we interpret it as women are less
interested in sex rather than women are
interested in probably
just about the same kind of things that
many men are but women have always known
what to choose
above what turns them on which was what
gives them stability and security
security
family right someone to protect be there
right so
what people do look this is we want one
partner today to give us everything that
involves stability and security and
everything that involves playfulness and
mystery
okay that's the grand ideal okay i want
to be cozy with you and i want to have
an edge and i want you to surprise me
and i want you to be familiar and i want
you to give me continuity and i want you
to give me novelty
that's it as if it's uh right and no
victoria's secret is going to solve that
yeah right so then it becomes what is
desire desire is
to own the wanting if you ask people a
question that goes like this
i turn myself off when i turn myself
off by not you turn me off
when and what turns me off is
you're gonna hear i turn myself off when
i do emails
when i spend too many time on the phone
when i overeat when i don't
exercise when i have bad bad days at
work
when i don't feel confident when i numb
myself when i feel
dead when i don't feel contriving when
i'm not alive
you will really hear that it has very
little to do with sex
and when you ask people i turn myself on
when
or by i awaken my desires
not you turn me on when and what turns
me on is which is i
you're responsible for my wanting right
what people will talk to you about is
when i'm in nature when i'm connected
with my friends
when i get to do my sports when i play
music when i listen to music
it's through stuff that gives me
pleasure that is
alive that is vibrant that is vital that
is
erotic in the full sense of the word as
life force
and from that place people remain
interested in having sex with somebody
else for the long haul
it's not because they've scratched their
arms for two seconds right
it's i feel good about myself
the biggest turn on is confidence right
confidence you ask people when do you
find yourself most drawn to your partner
every description has to do with when
they're in their element
when they're on stage when they're with
when when when
they're doing their sport when they when
they are radiant
when they are in their studio on the
piano on the horse you name it it's when
they are in their element i.e
they don't need me to take care of them
they're not depressed
and down and lonely and sad they're not
needy they don't
need me because desire is about wanting
you
love is also about needing you
caretaking is a very powerful experience
in love
and it is a very powerful
anti-aphrodisiac so how do you
experience love and desire at the same
time you
calibrate it so sometimes you're it's
the same as when you walk
you have to move from one foot to the
other a balance
is not about staying on one side a
balance is the ability to see
right now we don't need caretaking we
can be mischievous we can be naughty we
can be playful we can break our own
rules we can stay home and not go to
work at eight o'clock
and now we are in a playful zone now we
are
feeling that we are bringing our own
little transgressions home
we are alive we're not just being
dutiful responsible
good citizens right it's that it's very
small
yeah you know i mean i always think when
i go and i see people at lunch and you
see them talking and they're well
dressed and they're awake and all
i think who is here with their partner
because you can see them they're engaged
they're giving the best of themselves
that's erotic
no the majority are not there with their
partner they're there with their friends
with their colleagues their partner is
going to get the leftover when they come
home at night
sorry you know what forget the night
date meet at lunch when you actually
have energy
you know when you and and in the middle
of the day like that when you're awake
when you have something to offer
it's a very small thing but they don't
do it they don't do it and you say why
not
why not why don't you stay an hour extra
at home in the morning and not just
because when you have a headache
and just say this matters to me all in
all
you know committed sex is premeditated
sex
it's not just gonna happen because
whatever is gonna just happen already
has
so you're going to make it happen
because you say
we matter we're important let's do this
let's spend it doesn't mean if you're
going to make love or have so it just
means
we're going to take this hour and
there's nothing else that matters in
this moment but just you
and i to be together to check in and
then we'll see what unfolds
that's the erotic space in which sex may
happen
probably will doesn't have to but it is
the place from which it is much more
likely to emerge
but people don't do that they do the
responsibility
that's the love right the citizen the
commitment the caretaking the burdens
the safe
and then they say i'm bored
i would be too exactly there's no
mystery there's no risk taking right
exactly
there's no risk-taking that's the word
if you want
desire it's risk and the risk is an
emotional risk
it's not about sexy risks it's really a
risk on the emotional front is that
i bring something else to you today
differently
from um differently from from the way i
typically present myself
sure you know how can i do this
something
what can i do today that would be
different from the ways that i've done
it until now
how can i do something that i think
would actually improve our relationship
me right not something that i want or
that you want but that i think would be
actually good for us that third entity
the us
right and you check every time you know
how often do you just go on the tried
and trodden
as in you know it works sex that just
works
for most people is really not
interesting enough right so
because what does it mean it works
generally right
what about the people listening or
saying man that sounds like a lot of
work that every day you have to change
do something different and unique can be
not every day not every day
not every day but what you can do every
day
is just a quick check with yourself you
know is there something
that i should notice is there something
that i can be thankful for is there
a little note that i could write is
there
you know just a way that i can show up
at time
it's small it's really small um
here's the thing there is work and then
there is the creative work
you know i'm talking about a level that
is creative
and that elevates you and that actually
gives you
you feel you feel taller you just feel
like you're engaged you feel awake
rather than this this is the other
seated position it's comfortable it's
great but nothing happens here
sure this this is alert
here's the essential word is curiosity
when you're curious you lean forward and
you watch
you're open to the mysteries of life
this is please don't bother me with
anything because i don't want any
stimulation i've had
my share i've been you know and this is
the position that most people have at
home
so when people say it's too much work
um i basically say look
you you if i was to say this in your
business
would you say this is too much work oh
you would say
that's very good advice this is high
rate consulting fees
it's like excuse me but you don't think
for a minute that your business would
thrive
if you let it languish like that
never you have a reward system you have
incentives
bonuses bonuses but there is no
incentivized system as
in in the private domain so people just
think why bother
right and that's the difference is that
the ones who have good relationships
are the ones who created their own
internal incentive incentivized system
what are some of those incentive systems
that you've seen over time that really
work or effective for
long-term relationships i would say the
first thing is almost one of the first
things that our parents
teach you please and thank you to know
how many people stop thanking their
partners
thank you thank you for doing this for
me to thank you for picking up the
shirts thank you for
you know you feel appreciated yes
appreciation
appreciation is huge uh gratitude
acknowledgement of the presence of the
other in your life
not did you do this did you call
did you pick up do this you know half
the time
expectations expectations of course you
know expectations is often a resentment
in the make
it's like with the expectation comes the
fear of it's not good
thank person first of all and because it
also makes it feel like
this is not a given nobody owes you
squat
you're not owed anything you're not that
important you're actually quite
replaceable
right and with the divorce rate that we
have
um what's the rate at right now about 50
on first and 65 on second
65 and second wow it's not good right
it's really you know it costs a lot of
money
it's not good for the health i mean it's
just like you know it's not good for the
jobs it's it's just
it's like okay now you could say maybe
people should marry but
it doesn't matter if it's marriage
legally or the idea is that
we can do better we can do better in
general i really think that the quality
of our lives depends on the quality of
our relationships i mean nobody's gonna
write
you know uh you
worked some 60 70 80 90 hours a week and
you know no they're going to say he was
there for people when they needed to
he was there at every game he was there
at the party he's the guy who
when you were in his presence he had
charisma
not because he could stand in front of a
huge crowd but he had charisma because
when i was in his
presence he made me feel special it's a
different charisma
so appreciation gratitude thank you
um little things to go out of your way
rather than just to do the minimum
a lot of people start to do the bare
minimum just so that they can't be
scolded
right go an extra thing um on occasion
just do something for the other person
just because it matters to them even if
you couldn't care less
right rather than i don't it's not
important to me
i don't i don't need this or i don't
care about this
uh give each other a lot of individual
space
not everything needs to be shared people
have different passions different
interests different friends
and they need those separate spaces to
exist
admiration i think is huge
because admiration is also that you kind
of really see the otherness of the other
person
don't try to make your partner into one
person for everything
there is no such a person find multiple
sources
of connection of intimacy of friendship
so that you can
have a group of people support you and
don't have one person who has to be
there for you for everything especially
when you're in the dumpster
we used to have a village of people to
do that and now we just expect one
person to be the village
yes yes yes one person for the whole
village that that is that is a unique
it is and and then we're upset when they
don't fulfill the mandate
and that's the more import like i can't
talk to you you're not supportive of me
you're not excited for me you know
excuse me find other people
right you know i can't be everything for
you no exactly no
and if you want to learn more about
mastering relationships
then make sure to check out this video
right here
till that to us apart when de facto
for the majority of couples today it's
still love dies
not till they do us a party that's when
we divorce we break out because we love
dyes
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