What it means when a narcissist MISSES THE OLD YOU

Summary

In this episode of 'A Narcissist Explains,' Lee Hammock, a diagnosed narcissist, discusses how narcissists miss the 'old you'—the person they initially met during the love bombing phase. He explains that narcissists often miss the authentic version of their partners, which they drove away through mistreatment. Hammock emphasizes the importance of recognizing the changes in oneself due to a toxic relationship and the need for healing and rediscovering one's identity after escaping such dynamics.

Takeaways

• 😌 Narcissists often miss the 'old you' - the person they initially met during the love bombing phase.
• 🤔 The narcissist's longing for the 'old you' is typically due to the way they treated you, causing you to change.
• 👥 Changes in the victim are often a result of being mistreated and conditioned to behave differently within the relationship.
• 😕 Narcissists rarely take responsibility for the changes they induce in their partners.
• 🧐 The 'old you' that narcissists miss is often the naive, easily manipulated version of you from the beginning of the relationship.
• 😣 People in relationships with narcissists may lose their identity and sense of self due to the toxic dynamics.
• 🤷‍♂️ It's not narcissistic for victims to miss the 'old you'; they were authentically themselves at the start.
• 😟 Narcissists present a false self initially to win affection, whereas their partners are typically genuine from the outset.
• 😢 Victims of narcissistic abuse may feel like they've lost their sense of fun, spontaneity, and self-love.
• 📚 Lee Hammock suggests using self-love journals and courses to rebuild self-esteem and rediscover oneself after leaving a toxic relationship.
• 👋 The speaker encourages viewers to subscribe for more content and offers resources for healing from narcissistic relationships.

Q & A

What is the main topic discussed in the video script?

The main topic discussed in the video script is how narcissists miss the 'old you,' referring to the original version of a person they met before the relationship dynamics changed due to the narcissist's behavior.

What phase of a relationship does Lee Hammock mention that narcissists might miss?

Lee Hammock mentions that narcissists might miss the 'love bombing' phase, which is typically the beginning of a relationship when the narcissist is at their most charming and affectionate.

According to the script, why do narcissists miss the original version of their partners?

Narcissists miss the original version of their partners because that was the person they met when they were being their most manipulative and charming to win them over, and the partner was more easily manipulated and compliant.

What does Lee Hammock suggest is a common mistake narcissists make regarding the change in their partners?

Lee Hammock suggests that narcissists commonly mistake the change in their partners as a personal failure of the partner, rather than recognizing it as a result of the narcissist's own toxic behavior.

What is the 'masking' phenomenon Lee Hammock refers to in the script?

The 'masking' phenomenon refers to the act of both the narcissist and their partner putting on a facade or 'mask' to survive the relationship, which leads to a loss of their true selves.

Why does Lee Hammock believe people change in relationships with narcissists?

People change in relationships with narcissists because they are conditioned to not speak up, go out, have fun, or be themselves in order to fit the expectations and desires of the narcissistic partner.

What does Lee Hammock imply about the initial behavior of a narcissist in a relationship?

Lee Hammock implies that the initial behavior of a narcissist in a relationship is often a facade, where they present an idealized version of themselves to attract and win over their partners.

What does Lee Hammock recommend for people recovering from a relationship with a narcissist?

Lee Hammock recommends starting a healing journey, which includes rebuilding self-love and rediscovering oneself, possibly with the help of a self-love journal.

What is the title of Lee Hammock's children's book mentioned in the script?

The title of Lee Hammock's children's book is 'Remember It's Not Your Fault.'

What does Lee Hammock mean when he says 'you mask too'?

When Lee Hammock says 'you mask too,' he is suggesting that people in relationships with narcissists also adopt a false persona to cope with the relationship, similar to how the narcissist does.

What is the term Lee Hammock uses to describe the initial phase of attraction in a relationship with a narcissist?

The term Lee Hammock uses to describe the initial phase of attraction in a relationship with a narcissist is 'love bombing.'

Outlines

00:00

😔 Narcissists Miss the 'Old You'

In this segment, Lee Hammock, a diagnosed narcissist, discusses how narcissists often miss the original version of their partners. He explains that narcissists may pine for the person they initially met, who was likely more carefree and accommodating due to the love bombing phase. However, he points out that this change in the partner's behavior is often a result of the narcissist's poor treatment and conditioning. Lee shares his own experience, acknowledging that he failed to recognize how his actions led to his wife's transformation. He emphasizes that narcissists typically do not take responsibility for these changes and instead claim to miss the 'old you,' which refers to the person they initially attracted through manipulation and deceit.

05:01

🤔 The Dynamic of Missing the 'Old You'

Lee Hammock continues the discussion by clarifying that missing the 'old you' does not make someone a narcissist. He differentiates between the authentic self presented by the victim at the beginning of the relationship and the false persona the narcissist initially projects. As the relationship progresses, the narcissist's true self emerges, often leading the victim to adopt a 'mask' to cope. This dynamic shift results in the victim losing their sense of self and identity. Lee suggests that it's natural to miss the initial stages of a relationship with a narcissist, but it's crucial to understand that the narcissist was never their true self from the start. He encourages viewers to reflect on what they miss about themselves and to embark on a journey of self-discovery and healing, possibly using tools like his self-love journal, to regain their lost identity and self-love.

Keywords

💡Narcissist

A narcissist is someone with an inflated sense of self-importance, often requiring excessive admiration and lacking empathy for others. In the video, the speaker identifies as a diagnosed narcissist and uses this term to describe the behavior of individuals who may miss the 'old you', referring to how they initially perceived their partners before the relationship dynamics changed.

💡Love Bombing

Love bombing is an intense period of flattery and affection used by a narcissist at the beginning of a relationship to quickly win someone's affection. The script mentions this phase as the time when the narcissist met the 'original version' of their partner, implying that this was before the narcissist's true nature was revealed.

💡Conditioning

Conditioning in the context of the video refers to the process by which a person changes their behavior due to the influence of their partner, particularly in a toxic relationship. The speaker discusses how the narcissist's behavior can condition their partner to not speak up or be themselves, leading to a loss of identity.

💡Identity

Identity in this video script refers to a person's sense of self, including their values, personality, and beliefs. The speaker mentions that one of the first things lost in a relationship with a narcissist is one's identity, as the partner may feel compelled to change who they are to fit the narcissist's expectations.

💡Toxic Relationship

A toxic relationship is one where the dynamics are harmful to one or both parties involved, often characterized by manipulation, control, and a lack of respect. The video discusses how narcissists can create toxic relationships where their partners lose their sense of self and change due to the negative treatment they receive.

💡Manipulation

Manipulation is the act of influencing someone by controlling or deceiving them. In the video, the speaker talks about how narcissists miss the ability to manipulate their partners easily, which was possible when the partners were more naive and trusting at the beginning of the relationship.

💡Authenticity

Authenticity refers to the state of being genuine and true to one's own personality, feelings, and beliefs. The script contrasts the authenticity of the partner who was 'really being you' at the start of the relationship with the narcissist who was not being their true self but rather putting on a facade.

💡Naivety

Naivety is a lack of experience, wisdom, or judgment, often leading to a trusting nature that can be exploited. The video mentions that narcissists may miss the naivety of their partners at the beginning of the relationship, when they were more easily manipulated.

💡Masking

Masking in the context of the video refers to the act of hiding one's true self or feelings. The speaker discusses how both the narcissist and their partner may end up masking in the relationship, with the partner doing so to survive the toxic dynamic by changing their behavior to fit the narcissist's expectations.

💡Self-Love

Self-love is the practice of appreciating and taking care of oneself. The video suggests that people in relationships with narcissists often lose self-love due to the negative treatment they receive. The speaker promotes the idea of rebuilding self-love after escaping such relationships, even mentioning a self-love journal as a tool for healing.

💡Healing Journey

The healing journey refers to the process of recovery and self-improvement after a traumatic or damaging experience. The script encourages viewers to embark on a healing journey to rediscover themselves and rebuild their self-love after leaving a toxic relationship with a narcissist.

Highlights

Narcissists miss the original version of you, the one they met during the love bombing phase.

The narcissist misses a version of you that was fun, outgoing, and did everything they wanted.

Narcissists treat you badly, causing you to lose your original identity.

The change in you is a result of being mistreated and conditioned by the narcissist.

The speaker admits his own fault in changing his wife's behavior.

Narcissists do not take accountability for the changes they cause in you.

People often miss the original version of the narcissist they met.

The speaker clarifies that missing the original version of a narcissist does not make you a narcissist.

Narcissists present a false self initially to win your affection.

You were authentic at the beginning of the relationship, unlike the narcissist.

Narcissists miss the naivety and manipulability of the early stages of the relationship.

In a relationship with a narcissist, you may lose your identity and behave differently.

The speaker discusses the dynamic changes in a relationship with a narcissist.

Narcissists may say they miss the old you but do not acknowledge their role in the change.

Survivors of narcissistic relationships often miss their old selves.

The speaker suggests that you may forget who you are and what you like to do in a toxic relationship.

Narcissistic relationships can lead to a significant loss of self-love.

The speaker promotes a self-love journal to help rebuild self-love after leaving a toxic relationship.

The speaker invites viewers to subscribe for more content on the topic.

Transcripts

what is going on beautiful people I am

Lee hammock the diagnosed self-aware

narcissist known as mental illness and

welcome to another episode of a

narcissist explains in today's episode

we're talking about how narcissists miss

the old you they miss the original

version of yourself stay tuned like And

subscribe so narcissist miss the old you

and of course if you're new here I'm

actually a diagnosed narcissist so just

like you you miss the original version

of the narcissistic person that you

probably met during the love bombing

phase the narcissistic person misses the

original version as well if you used to

be fun and bubbly funny outgoing and do

thing do everything that that

narcissistic person wanted you to do

they missed that but the thing about it

is they treat you so badly that you lose

who you are you change in the

relationship just like the narcissistic

person changes but typically your

changes are a result of being treated

badly and being conditioned to not speak

up being conditioned to not go out and

have fun being conditioned to change who

you are in order to fit that person so

that's one of the things that used to

bug me in my own personal life that like

my wife changed and she wasn't fun and

outgoing anymore I was like what is

wrong with you why can't you go back to

being the old you not realizing it was

my fault that she wasn't the old

original version of herself not

realizing it was my fault that she got

conditioned to not speak up not speak

her peace or not be who she was not not

be comfortable in her own skin so a

narcissist will say that they miss the

old you but not take accountability for

why you change who you are if you made

it this far go ahead and like And

subscribe so welcome back folks welcome

back welcome back so I know it sounds

kind of counterintuitive kind of counter

like what You' learned about narcissist

and toxic people but it's true it's a

there's a truth there how narcissistic

people miss the old original version of

you like they miss the person that they

originally met when they get when they

got with you when they started messing

with you when y'all started dating or

whatever they miss you they do I know

what people say they're like well Lee we

missed the old version of The Narcissist

too does that make me a narcissist no no

no no

no you were your real self in the

beginning of a relationship with a

narcissist right you were authentically

you you bought you

bought you to the table right whereas

that narcissistic person bought someone

else to the table they bought their they

sent their representative to meet you

they became who they needed to be to get

you to fall in love with them right

whereas you bought yourself you were

really being you so they miss the

original version of who you were in the

beginning like you might have missed the

red flags you might have ignored the red

flags you might have put up with a lot

of different things but once you started

to to discover who they were who they

are they missed kind of the the naivity

navity how you said naivity they miss

how naive you might have been in the

beginning they miss being able to

manipulate you and get away with it they

miss being able to get you to question

your reality they miss those things

about you right there so when people

asking me they're like do narcissists

ever miss you do they miss you but what

ask yourself what did they miss what did

they miss about you so that's why I to

tell people like in the in the in the

grand scheme of things with who you're

dealing with with how you're dealing

with things with this narcissistic

person ask yourself what is it that they

meet Miss about you because in the

beginning you might have been fun

outgoing you you you were a different

person you CH yo one of the first things

that you lose in a relationship with the

narcissist uh and I have a video on that

is your identity you lose your identity

like you lose the Ence of who you are

who you are and they can come from a few

different things uh con constantly being

in fight or flight not knowing what's

going on not knowing what's coming next

there's a few different things of how

you get to where you're going how you

get to where you are in these spaces

right there's a few different reasons

but you lose who you you lose you you

lose you so you start to behave

differently you start to act differently

right but why why is that because you're

in this toxic relationship no the

narcissistic person won't take won't

take accountability for you being

different they'll just say you you've

been you you've changed you're not who I

you I missed the old you some of them

might actually say I missed the old you

I miss who you were I wish things I wish

things could go back to the beginning

you see what I'm saying and you as a

possible Survivor of a narcissistic

toxic relationship you know exactly what

I'm saying because you might have said

the same thing you might have thought

the same thing but thinking that and

saying that don't make you a narcissist

I'll say that right there thinking those

thinking that and saying that doesn't

mean that you are a narcissist I think a

lot of people get that confused a lot of

people miss out on that space and don't

understand that that Dynamic right there

like who you were in the beginning where

you were you the narcissist was not

themselves they sent their

representative to meet you they sent

their representative to interact with

you they were not being who they really

are so you were they weren they were not

you know they weren't we're not uh who

they are who they actually are so it

doesn't make you a narcissist to want to

go back to the beginning if you were

really you in the beginning you see like

when the narcissist takes their mask off

off they become who they really are and

typically that's later on in the

relationship you go into the

relationship mask off right you go into

the relationship mask off like who you

being who you are typically you are you

know but in the relationship you end up

putting putting a mask on to survive you

see you end up putting a mask on to

survive oh I just came over with there

oh oh that's a more fire the narciss

oh y'all know hey uh you mask too that's

G to be a video y'all that's G be a

video right there you mask too like the

the dynamic changes y'all the dynamic

changes in the beginning of the

relationship with a narcissist you might

have been chasing after them right but

now like like they might have been

chasing after you but now the dynamic

has switched and you're chasing after

them they were masking in the beginning

and then now the dynamic has switched

and you're masking in the relationship

to survive you lose who you are because

you walk you walk around with this mask

on all the time and you take your mask

off in your comfortable areas which is

typically around your friends and family

which is why you might behave

differently which is why you might

behave differently in front of your

friends and family or around your

friends and family then you do for this

narcissistic person I'm going to go oh

that's going to be a fire video when I

make it and it's coming soon too like

you mask too what what y these ideas I'm

so y I'm so grateful for y'all you mask

as well so if you if you end up dealing

with if you are dealing with a

narcissistic person toxic person

whatever right and you just think to

yourself you y you might miss the old

youu as well I'll say that right there

you are probably going to miss the old

youu as well you're probably going to

for forget the things that you like to

do the things that you want to do you're

going to miss out on you're going to

feel like you're missing out on a lot L

of different things right like I don't

know what I like to do anymore I don't

know who I am anymore you lose a lot of

self-love in these relationship Dynamics

with narcissists and toxic people you

you you really really do y'all you lose

a lot of self-love you lose a you lose a

lot in these spaces so you have to start

the healing Journey like I have a

self-love Journal that's available on

Amazon and I have a self-love Court

called Lee hammock I love me a self- Lov

Journal just um search Amazon leam self

love and it pops up to help you rebuild

that self love and ReDiscover yourself

um after you get out of it but anyways

y'all thank you for tuning in to another

episode like And subscribe for more and

as always as always y'all mil Hood this

is out peace thank you so much for

making it to the end of my video you are

a mental heal this rockstore and I

appreciate you for being here if you

haven't already make sure to click on

the screen to subscribe to the channel

and watch another one of my videos in my

playlist there's also a link available

up here for you to purchase my kids book

remember it's not your fault on Amazon

so check that out thank you I will see

you on the next video peace